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Dazai rubbed his eyes, he looked back and forth trying to find what noise woke him up. He sits up on his elbows, spotting his buzzing phone. It was two in the morning, why in the world is chuuya calling him? He groans and swipes to accept the call.
“Chuuya? Why are you awake, it’s two in the morning?” His voice was still audibly groggy.
“Could you stay on the phone please?” Her voice is smaller than normal, it sounded almost shaky.
Dazais’ brows furrowed in concern “Chuu, is everything okay?” He said softly. As rude as he could’ve been, and wanted to be, now wasn’t the time for that. “Did something happen?” This was the first thing he had heard from her in the last week and a half, she had been skipping missions and avoiding phone calls. He was worried, even if he wouldn’t admit that to a soul. “Do you need me to come over there?”
“Uhm…”
“Are you safe, chuuya?” She doesn’t answer him. A small sob is audible over the phone. “Okay, im coming over there, whether you like it or not. Just stay still, okay?”
Dazai unlocks her apartment with a hair pin, he’s always been eerily good at picking locks like that, a skill he learned from growing up in the mafia. He kicks his shoes off by the door, his usual dressy clothes have been swapped out for pajamas and a sweatshirt. Not all off his bandages are on, only the ones that cover his freshest cuts. All his scars on his display. That doesn’t matter at the current moment. “Chuuya?” He yells, “Are you in your room?” After he doesn’t get an answer, he knocks on her bedroom door, opening it after three knocks.
She’s laying sideways on her bed, a blanket half pulled over her. She’s lost at least 10 pounds, her arms were covered in bandaids. She had eye bags, her hair was all mated, there were bruises up and down her body.
“Oh jeez,” Dazai said quietly. He sat down next to her. “Is this where you’ve been?” She gives a small nod. Dazai sighs. “When’s the last time you’ve eaten?”
“8 days ago.”
“Drank water?”
“Yesterday night.”
“When’s the last time you’ve gotten up? Have you even taken a piss?”
“2 days ago, i think i gave myself a UTI or something.”
“That’s what happens when you don’t move for days, trust me, i would know.”
There’s a pause. Dazai sighs. She looks so sad.
“Why did you call me chuuya?”
“I was going to shoot myself, sorry for waking you up.”
“No, shut up, im glad you woke me up.” He tugs at her shoulder. “Come on, get up. Go take a piss and drink some water.”
“I’m cold.” She says while sitting up. Knots of hair fall into her face.
“You’re starving.” He sighs and takes his hoodie off, wrapping it around her and zipping it up halfway. It falls halfway off her shoulders, it makes him sad seeing just how dead she looked.
Dazai helped her stand up, after using the bathroom and washing her face, dazai held her while they walked into the kicthen. She could barely walk, it was heartbreaking to look at. He made her a sandwich, and poured a glass of water, which he held up to her mouth.
“I probably seem pathetic.”
“You seem depressed. Why are you suddenly like this?”
“It just happens sometimes, I’ll feel horrible for weeks, and then fine after, over and over. This is just a really bad week.”
“Episodes.”
“What?”
“You are having an episode.”
“No. Im not like… psychotic or something.”
“Chuuya, that doesn’t mean you’re psychotic. It means you’re sick.” She’s quiet. She leans her head on him. “Hey,” He pats her shoulder. “Im really proud of you for reaching out.”
“Are you? Because you’re the type of person who exploits everyone, you’re the type who doesn’t get attached to anyone or anything, you’re the type-“
“Shut up, doofus. If you thought that then you wouldn’t have been there every time i almost jumped off a roof, or took too many pills, or cut too deep. You wouldn’t have came out to me. You wouldn’t have called me tonight.”
She stays silent. He keeps an arm around her shoulders as she finishes eating the sandwich. He grabs a spray bottle and a brush, and starts to de-mat her hair. It took upwards of 3 hours. She apologized the entire time.
As the hours ticked by, they started watching a movie. Once dazai had finished her hair, he hugged her from behind. They sat together watching the movie, chuuya leaned into his arms.
“Thank you for this.”
“Yeah, of course.”
“It really helped.”
“I’m glad. You’re very important to me.”
“Can i keep your sweatshirt?”
Dazai laughs lightly. “Yes, you can. It looks better on you, anyways.”
“It is falling off of me.”
“Once you get your strength back it’ll look perfect.” Chuuya flushes lightly. Dazai pinches her face, “Hey, don’t fall in love with me,”
“Ew! I would never! Plus, you’d never like a trans girl,”
“Who told you that,” dazai asks gently.
“Common sense. No one would.”
He hugs her tight. “Shut up. You are a very lovely girl, chuuya.”
“No, im not.”
“Yes, you are.”
.
.
.
Three weeks later, the two teenagers are sitting on a park bench in the dark, the night sky was a beautiful hue of blue and purple and black. Chuuya had her motorcycle leaned against the bench, her head was resting on dazai’s shoulder, and she was in his sweatshirt. Dazai’s arm was around her waist.
“Did you mean it?”
“What?”
“That you would date a trans girl? I know you say you’re bisexual, but i just-“
“First of al, whether im attracted to guys would have no effect on it, because you are a girl, chuuya. But also, i don’t just ‘say’ that I’m bisexual, i am bisexual.”
“Okay,” She takes a breath.
“Are you alright?”
“Yes, im fine.”
“Okay. Take care of yourself, chuuya.”
“I know.” She wraps her arms around him. He nuzzles his face into her hair.
“You’re a beautiful girl,” Dazai mumbles into her shoulder. She smiles, dazai rubs her cheek with his thumb.
They drive around more, dazais arms are around chuuya waist while she drives, they end up at an abandoned convenience store, they climb onto the roof and stay there for a while.
“So… you’ve been doing okay, after the other week?”
Chuuya nods. “It’s been getting easier, I got that bad feeling in the morning again, the urge to never wake up again. Lay there and let myself die.”
“But you ignore it?”
‘Yeah.”
“Good, im proud of you,”
“You’re depressed too.” Chuuya sighs.
“Don’t worry about me.”
“But i always worry about you.”
“I’m too far gone, chuu.”
“Stop saying that,” She frowns.
Dazai just sighs and looks away.
.
.
.
“I told you to call me.” Dazai sighs, and wipes chuuya arm with a wet cloth.
“I called you after the fact.”
“But now you’re hurt.” He pours some rubbing alcohol onto a paper towel and wipes her arm. “Sorry if that stings,” She just shrugs. The bright red lines cut up her arm stood out on her pale skin. It was deep and bright and bloody. “They’re deep, chuuya.”
“I know. My hand slipped,”
“That’s a lie, and we both know that.” He wrapped gauze around her arm, before hugging her tight and kissing her forehead. “Why’d you cut yourself, chuuya?”
“I just felt sad. It makes all the bad feelings go away for a minute.” Her eyes sparkled with unshed. “Sometimes I wonder what the point is anymore, y’know?” “She wipes her eyes. “Sometimes i wish our biggest issues were worrying about Highschool gossip, or our parents yelling at us, and not being in the fucking mafia. Just for a brief second. I wanna be a normal kid, but then I’m realize even if i had a normal life I’ll still never be a normal girl. And I’m so depressed all the god damn time, i wanna disappear sometimes, and i have intrusive thoughts about hurting myself, and other people, and this environment we live in just feeds it.”
Dazai has to take a minute to compose himself before he answered her. “I know, chuuya. I feel that too, sometimes.” He rubs her head. “But, I don’t think I would do well if we had a normal life.” He pauses “Also, for the last time, you are a normal girl.”
“You think so?”
“I know so, silly. Look at you. Let me take you out for food, Chuu. I wanna take you somewhere nice, you need it. Plus, it would be like normal kids.”
She smiles as dazai pats her face with a tissue.
.
.
.
They sat in a booth, the tables were a dark wood with a slightly orange tint to them, the entire diner had a home-y look. Chuuya leaned on dazais shoulder.
They ordered fries as something to snack on. They were sharing a pair of headphones, and having a playful argument about what the right way to put ketchup on fries was. Chuuyas’ face was gently hit by the sunlight in the window, it highlighted every freckle on her face, and it made the lighter people on her orange hair look almost golden. She looked like something out of a dream, it made dazai smile. She looked drop dead gorgeous and she didn’t even know, just sitting there, laughing like that.
“Oh, you went quiet. Does that mean i win?”
“Yes, whatever you want.” His brain feels like it stopped working. “I, uh- need to go to the bathroom?” Dazai stands up and walks away.
Dazai brushes his hair out of his face and screams internally. “It’s fine, yep! Aye-Okay! You just happen to be in love with chuuya… oh god.” Now he audibly screams into his hands. After calming down, he walks back out and goes back to chuuya.
“Hey,”
“Hi,” She smiles. Dazai sits back down and intertwines two of their fingers. “Do they have gender neutral bathrooms?” Chuuya tilts her head.
“Yeah, they’re all single person family-bathrooms.”
“Oh, thank goodness.”
“But you can use a girls bathroom, you are a girl.”
“Yeah, but it makes me anxious. Ill be right back,”
“Okay,”
.
.
.
“Why are we at this bad party, again?”
“They have coke,”
“I don’t like dealing with you high, osamu.” Chuuya frowned. She sounded upset. “Why did you even bring me if you’re just going to get high in a corner.”
“Because you always yell at me for going to parties alone,”
“I yell at you for going to parties, the fact you go alone just makes it worse.”
“I wanted to have fun with you,”
“Well this isn’t my concept of fun, you should know that by now.” She scoffs and pulls her hand away from his. Dazai sighs, he might’ve messed up a little bit.
“Listen, im sorry okay-“
“Yeah, until you’re on twenty substances, then making me come here will be worth it, right?”
“Okay, im sorry, we can leave if you want, chuuya…”
“I know you’ll just come back two hours later without telling me, i don’t care. It’s whatever.”
Chuuya stares at Dazai while he stands with a group of people, doing what is probably cocaine. She stands awkwardly in a corner, sipping cheap alcohol from a plastic cup. Dazai had the money and the position to get whatever drugs he wanted way easier than coming here, it was probably some manic impulse, and now she’s stuck babysitting him. She groans and walks away from him, pouring more alcohol before locking herself in a random bathroom. She downs half the cup and bangs her head against her knee a few times, part of her wanted to set a timer to see how long it would take him to notice that she walked away. What was so good about all this? Putting himself in a bad place with bad people and taking drugs, what weird urge did this fulfil. What was anyone getting from this, why did people even throw parties, they were just loud and crowded and bad and too bright with all the stupid strobe lights people put on. She wanted to go home. There’s a faint knock on the bathroom door.
“Go away-“
“Chuuya? Listen, can you please let me in? Im sorry,”
She unlocks the door, and dazai comes in and sits down next to her, he notices that she was crying, she wipes her cheek, but his hand is quite shaky, seeing as he was on, a not that small amount of, cocaine.
“Don’t touch me.” She slaps his hand away. “Why do you keep doing this! You have all the money you need to buy your own, much less sketchy, drugs! But you need to come to these shitty places and get high off your ass and make it my problem!”
“Chuuya, please- I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to make you this sad.” She turns away from him. “Chuu, honey, please.”
“I don’t know why i thought you cared about me.” She takes another sip from the plastic cup. “I had this whole stupid confession planned for you and everything, next time you took me out. But it was really stupid to assume you you loved me,”
“I do love you!” He grabs her shoulders.
“Then why are you making me go to parties you know that i hate!?”
“I… i don’t know. I think i have impulse problems,”
“No shit,”
“Chuuya, please. I really love you. I didn’t know that this would hurt you this much.”
She sighs and leans on his shoulder. “I had this whole thing planned, i was gonna ask you to take me to this nice place and order couples meals fort us and make a bunch of jokes and then tell you i loved you,”
“Oh.”
“Yeah…”
“I’m sorry i ruined it.”
“It doesn’t matter anyways,”
“Hey, it does matter,”
“We should talk about this when we can both think properly.”
“Yeah,” Dazai sighs. He kisses her forehead. “I’ll call an Uber.”
She nods.
“Hey, Dazai, you’re rides here- are you seriously in the bathroom making out with the Sheboy?” Some teenage boy leans on the door frame and asks him.
Chuuya looks at him, and Dazai looks at the boy. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“What? Are you gay or something-“
“Yeah, i am. And even if i wasn’t that wouldn’t matter.” He drags chuuya to the door by the arm. “And your drugs are shit!”
.
.
.
“You know I’d beat the hell out of that guy if i was sober, right? Are you okay?”
“I promise you that didn’t hurt me any more than you ditching me after dragging me there did.” She spats.
“Chuuya, i already said I’m sorry, and then you kissed me.”
“Doesn’t mean my feelings weren’t hurt.”
Chuuya yawns and curls into a little ball on Dazais bed, she looks like a cat. Dazai giggles at her. “You’re sleeping here?”
“I don’t feel like paying for a second Uber,”
“I could pay-“
“I wanna stay, okay?”
“Okay,” Dazai lays down next to her. “Are you still mad?”
“Yes.”
“Will you get over it?”
“Yes,”
“Can i hug you?”
‘Yeah,” She smiles.
.
.
.
Dazai and Chuuya are at a nice at a nice diner, Chuuyas’ hair is all styled, her nails are painted, she’s in a dress. Dazai’s in a buttoned shirt and dress paants.
“Is this the part where you ask if I’ll date you?” He smiles
Chuuya laughs a little bit and nods. “Yes, will you date me?”
Dazai nods and kisses her on the forehead.
“But, don’t get high around me, it makes me uncomfortable. Drunk is fine, but high is a no.”
“Yeah, im sorry about before. I know it makes you upset, i won’t do that again.”
“Thank you for apologizing,” She nods.
“Did you know i had a crush on you for a week when we first met?” Dazai laughs
“Aww, thats adorable. Little fifteen year old you getting all flustered over some boy you just met, though i technically wasn’t a boy, but i was still closeted.”
“Yeah, haha. You’re just that attractive i guess,” Dazai laced his fingers through hers. “Im glad this happened,”
“Yes, me too. But it would’ve been nice if our first kiss was now, and not high at a party in a bathroom.”
“Technically it was when you were sixteen and made me help you practice kissing for your date,”
“Shut up! That did not count!”
“I think it did,” Dazai smirked.
“That guy ended up standing me up, too.”
“Yeah, I remember.”
They walked back to Chuuyas’ apartment together, and ended up falling asleep on the couch, snuggled together. Chuuyas’ hair fell over her face all nicely, and Dazais’ arms were wrapped around her torso. Their breathing was in sync as they slept peacefully.