Chapter Text
Mallory is dreading it. At the time, it had seemed like a really good plan, admittedly not the best he'd ever come up with but what else are you supposed to do with trained psychopaths and naive technophiles?
They had reserved two tables on the train for the trip up. Q and Tanner had taken the window seats, Moneypenny and himself seated next to them respectively. Bond had the entire other table to himself and is currently lounging across the double seat that is parallel to M's own.
"Right," He stares down at the itinerary on the desk in front of him. It's just like a mission, that's all. "Before we get there I just need to explain a few house rules." He clasps his hands together, leaning his elbows on the grimy blue of the table.
Moneypenny stares at him, head tilting slightly in disbelief. He returns her subordination with a stony glare.
"Firstly, no technology." Q starts up from his laptop screen, his concentration suddenly directed M's way. "I will have my phone so we won't be entirely isolated if anything happens, but no other.. distractions." He glances pointedly at Q's abandoned laptop, then at Q's puzzled face.
"But -" Q begins.
"No. None. They will be going in the safe once we arrive. As with any other equipment." M inclines his head to make the euphemism more obvious.
"That's ridiculous! What if we have visitors? " Moneypenny replays his action back to him, mocking him with his own patronising assumption.
"You're all trained, I'm sure you can manage. Besides in an emergency situation, I will obvious give you all the code for the safe so we can recover our equipment."
Moneypenny shakes her head but chooses to remain silent this time; honestly, how did he expect to be able to give them the code, if they weren't together, or he was dead already, or..?
"No destruction of the house or it's contents, we are renting. No wandering off without telling anyone where you are going. No alcohol." Both Tanner and Bond take on faces of disgust at this. M continues, ignoring them;
"No titles, no ranks, first names only. This is a holiday, it's recovery time, we are not to stick by the constrictions of order during our stay."
"Except this bit and the bit where we all follow these rules for the whole thing." Bond interjects belittling M's plans. He resents that, this is a good plan.
"Yes." He snaps, "and any emergency situations and any breaking of the rules, okay?"
"Yes sir." Bond turns his head to look back out of his window.
"Fine. Anything else anyone wants to say before we begin?" He looks at them each in turn, dismissing Q's concerns with a despondent blink. "Ok, good, then let's start, from now, first names only." Everyone else nods in recognition, but no one begins to talk. What do pyschopaths and trendy desk agents talk about? He panics, having not considered this.
Moneypenny, no, Eve, lifts her hand and stares at Q like she's about to slap him. Things couldn't go bad that quickly could they?
Slowly and solemnly Eve pronounced every. last. syllable. "Bake. Off."
Q relaxes in one motion that seems to drop all of the pressure of work that Mallory now realises had always been visibly weighing upon him.
"I. Know." They fire opinions back and forth, as if they were on an active mission. Mallory frowns, such a trivial interest.
"That woman has nothing on Tamal." Tanner states in his usual flat voice.
"Are you kidding me Tanner?!" Eve's face creased in confusion, "ummm, William ?"
"I prefer Bill, but you're crazy if you think she's gonna beat Tamal, Eve. " Bill purposely displays his knowledge in order to best Eve and further irritate her. "His designs are so innovative, only Ian comes close in that respect." Bill winks at Q as Eve rises to the remark.
"Bill Tanner. You are just completely wrong. Nadia has been inventive, Flora too! You can't think that Tamal comes anywhere close. I'll admit, he's not bad as such but.."
"Bill?" Q hadn't stopped staring at him since he'd said it, "Are you a pirate?" His uncertainty reflected in his tone.
"Yeah, I'm a pirate." Bill blinks, face as sardonic as his statement. Mallory scoffs, this was more like it.
Bond rearranges himself and leans forward towards the other table. "A pirate?"
"Popular culture reference." Q states and waves his hands in a 'please-don't-get-me-to-explain' motion.
Eve nudges him, whispers, "James."
Q confronts her with a look of I-bid-the-ground-beneath-you-to-swallow-you-up-for-this-insult-to-my-abilities. "I. Know."
"You didn't know my first name!?" James exclaimed.
"Course I did; it's double-oh." The resentment dripped from the remark. Q did not take jests on his intelligence lightly.
Bond laughs, "Nice one Q." He stops suddenly, the confusion rising in all of their faces.
Q looks to Mallory to get his approval, "Just... Q."
Bond glances at Mallory, then turns back to Q. "No, no, no, you're not getting out of the rules. We have to all each other by our first names, not title. Q is your title so-"
"Unless Q is a nickname for your real name?" Asked Tanner. The three of them smile in glee, as Q crosses him arms and leans back.
"Even if it was-"
"IT IS!" Eve shouts triumphantly " Quentin?!"
Mallory smirks, then realises he doesn't know what it is either. Q gives a little shake of his head.
"Quirrell," Bill declares, grinning. That look is his only reply.
"Quincey?" Mallory proposes.
Bond narrows his eyes towards him, "That was my guess."
"Really?" Mallory retorts; Bond refuses to dignify that remark with an answer.
"Can we please just leave it at Q?" Q says, getting bored.
"Ah- haa," Eve smiles at Tanner, "it must be Quincey then, he was right."
"No Mallory was not..." Q trails off. Eve nudges him, whispers again.
"Gareth was not right" Q squirms slightly with the awkwardness, "it's not Quincey, I just prefer Q. Can we leave it at that?"
"Sure." Eve gulps, Tanner and Bond return to window gazing.
Apparently, hearing your boss called by their first name is more traumatic for special agents than shooting people.