Work Text:
I've always loved Neo-sama. Ever since we met. Her voice saved my life - so I'm forever in debt to her. Weronika and Elsie always tease me for it... but I won't stop, even if it's weird, even if I get teased for it...
I'm like Neo-samas slave, I'll do whatever she tells me to! Though, she's given less orders than before, so I've taken it upon myself to prepare everything for her. I prepare her daily clothes, help brush her hair, prepare her breakfast and morning coffee, prepare her bath, do her laundry, do her class work, clean up her room... she always tells me not to, but I know it helps. After all, being the vocalist of Abyssmare must be stressful, I absolutely can't let it get to her! I need to make sure Neo-sama is always happy and carefree without burden...
That's what I was doing today. I was hanging her laundry when she came into her room.
"A-Ah, Neo-sama! Is there anything you need?!" She doesn't usually come in while I'm tidying her room. It made me worried.
"Oh? No, not really."
"A-Are you sure?! You never come in when I'm doing chores..."
"Is it so bad that I want to occupy my own room? Sophia, I trust I am independent enough to do basic tasks, you don't need to infantilize me as if I can't even lift a pin."
"A-Ah... O-Of course, my apologies, Neo-sama..." An iron weight dropped in my stomach. I felt sick. I didn't want to burden Neo-sama - I did all of this to make her happy. Am I doing the opposite of what I wanted...? I don't mean to infantilize her. I'm sure Neo-sama's capabilities are much more than I could even imagine. She looked upset, more than usual. I crossed a line. I know I have.
"Look can you please just leave? I can do this on my own. I don't need you doing everything for me." She was angry. I messed up. I set the clothes I was holding down and tried to keep calm as I closed her door and rushed to my room.
They saw my scars and took my blades. It was inevitable, but it didn't help much. I scratched at my skin wishing to bleed again.
Right, they found the blades I kept in my bag. I keep some stuck in my phone case too.
There were only two, but they were unused. I was sure they'd cut deep. I find pencil sharpeners and unscrew the small screws to pop out the blades. I hate the ones that rather have fake plastic screws that don't screw at all, I'd have to break them out with pliers.
I made sure my door was locked, and sat on my bathroom floor over a blood stained white towel. It's the one I've always used, I hid it under my sink in my bathroom. I pushed the blade far into the skin of my left arm, and flicked the blade as fast as I could. It immediately started to bleed. A small styro... I started to cry. I can't even be useful to the one person who saved my life. I can't do anything. Nothing about me has changed, I'm the same girl I used to be. Unloved and worthless. I ran over the cut with the same technique. I saw the weird lumps of fat - I hit beans. ‘Beans’ is just the term for your fatty layer of skin.
Sometimes I wish I could take a spoon and scoop all of it out. I like the thought of being thin. Thin like Elsie. Elsies cute and petite, I can see Neo-sama's eyes stare at her body. I want Neo-sama to stare at me like she stares at Elsie. Right, not only am I useless to Neo-sama, but I'm not even pretty enough for her either. I cut over the same wound again. It went deeper.
Seeing the blood flow makes me want to lick it. Sometimes I do, but it's warm. I hate that warm feeling, maybe one day I'll collect it and drink it over ice. I wonder what it would be like to drink Neo-sama's blood... it must taste better in some way - that's just how excellent Neo-sama is.
Sometimes I want to hurt Neo-sama. Sometimes I go to her room at night with a knife. I say I'm going to do it. I repeat it over and over in my head until nothing feels real. Then, I stare at her. Her porcelain face, silky hair, and I just stare... she's so elegant even in her sleep. Sometimes I kiss her while she's asleep. I don't get it. I go to kill her then kiss her in her sleep; I just don't get it. Why am I like this? Why? I'm angry. I hate how I'm like this. I started cutting faster, I turn over my arm to face my wrists, and I just push and swipe, quick enough that the blood from the last doesn't surface until after I've already made another cut. It feels panicky - like the climax of sex before you finish. Though I'm still a virgin no matter how many times I dream about doing such things with Neo-sama. It disgusts me. I'm only 17, and I'm wasting my life away day dreaming about Neo-sama and slitting my wrists. Not even, theres cuts all over my body.
I remember the look of horror on Neo-sama's face when she stripped me down to look at my scars, and found her name cut deep enough to know the scar will never fade. I remember how she cried for me. I hated myself in that moment. The fact I made Neo-sama cry over me. I don't think I'd ever wanted to kill myself more than in that moment.
Now, I'm just sitting there, letting the blood flow. My mind feels empty, I'm lightheaded. I don't even notice the knocking on my door. I don't want to get up and open it, but my door is locked. I remember Neo-sama when she said I couldn't lock my door anymore. I think she's knocking. I think I hear her voice.
I wipe down my arm and grab a box of Band-Aids, plastering them all over. I roll down my long sleeve and shove the towel under the sink back to where it always is, and go to open the door. The knocking sounds panicky. I feel disgusting.
I open the door and look up at Neo-sama, with a hunched over back and red eyes.
"Sophia, what did I say about locking your door? You worried me - I'm glad your okay." Neo-samas voice sounds soothing like always. Neo-sama gave me a hug. I wish I was strong. Strong enough not to start bawling in her chest. But I'm not, and I pulled her close too as she ran her fingers through my hair, petting my head trying to comfort me. She pushed me inside and shut the door. "Come on, sit down." She sat me on my bed. It's covered in dirty clothes and small plushies. There's a magazine about to fall off, I bought it because Neo-sama was featured in it. Its one of my favorites. I bought two copies so I could cut up one and put it up on my wall.
"I... I don't want to make Neo-sama unhappy... I don't want her to be upset..." I cried into her chest.
"Sophia, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you, and I should've kept my temper in check. It's been a hard day, I didn't mean any of it." She started cuddling me and pulling me closer. Everything felt okay for a second.
"I don't want Neo-sama t-to apologize when I-I was the one who messed up...a-always doing Neo-sama's chores even when she asks me not to..."
"Hey, Sophia, look at me." I pushed away a bit and tried to look her in the eyes without crying again, I saw her tears start to form. The eye contact felt unnerving, I wanted to rip out my eyes. She wiped my tears and I leaned my chin down, but she pushed it back up. It happened quickly, she leaned in and our lips touched. My nails clawed into her shoulders trying to fight the urge to scream. My face was red and the last thing I could imagine was being upset, the second she pulled away I hugged a pillow sat next to me and squeezed it as much as I could, I didn't even realize I was drooling and panting until I felt the saliva roll down my chin. Neo-sama gave me the look Elsie and Weronika always do. Usually she's angry, her eyes fade out, but this time... she's not. I don't know why.
I ended up laying down, and started petting me more. I could feel myself drifting off to sleep.
Right, this is why I live, for moments like this. Because I'll always be here for Neo-sama. I have to. I have to stay to be able to feel Neo-sama's warmth, and the feeling of Neo-sama's lips...right...