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James stared at the number on the scale. It was higher than last time, what had he been doing wrong? He had skipped meals more than ever, he had taken walks and avoided his friends. He had started this in hopes he'd look as beautiful as Sirius. James was jealous of the way their collar bones stuck out, jealous of the way her hip bones seemed to be trying to poke out of their skin. He knew it was wrong, wrong to feel this way about his best friend. James knew it was wrong to starve himself. But it was better than cutting himself. Right?
Well, clearly not. James need to skip more, he craved that hallow feeling in his stomach. Food made him want to cry and it made him feel ill. The only downside to trying to make himself perfect for his someone is that he judged all his friends when they ate. James would never say anything out loud but he wondered how they simply ate, not caring about how they looked. And he was jealous of how little Sirius tried to be perfect, how much he ate and still stayed skinny. He resented it, he was so fucking jealous. And James was jealous of Peter. James was jealous of how Peter was confident with his body.
However, the number on his scale was saying he'd be far from looking like Sirius. Fuck. He'd have to try harder. Try harder.
Try harder.
You're not doing enough, try harder.
James shook his head. While he loved the feel of a hallow stomach, he didn't like the thoughts that came with it. He was more anxious and jumpy than before, more energetic at times. Which he didn't think made sense considering how late James was willing to stay just to force the food up his throat. It was normally late at night because of Sirius and Remus. A vile feeling crept up his throat at the thought of Sirius.
He also hated this. James hated how he had begun to resent Sirius, resent him for how she looked. For being effortlessly skinny. Well, not quite effortlessly. He knew Sirius has gone through an eating disorder while in his house. James knew Sirius was struggling to get out of his habits. That's exactly why James kept telling himself he was making the right decision not telling Sirius or Remus.
Keep going, get the number down. Get. It. Down. You know what this is for, do it for yourself and for him.
That was his mantra. James always kept repeating it when he was struggling to starve. He knew what he was doing it for.
James stepped off the scale and back to his bedroom. His bed looked comfortable. He layed on it, relishing in th soft blankets, wishing he was as soft and wanted.
" James! Are you awake?" Someone yelled, and he startled awake. He hadn't meant to go to sleep, but he guessed it was okay, at least James hadn't succumbed and ate.
At least he was still pretty. He was going to loose weight. He was going to be enough for Evan. He was going to be pretty like Sirius. He was going to be confident like Peter and Lily. He was going to be perfect. James was going to be skinny.
"Yeah, yeah I'm awake," James yelled back, tried to. His voice was hoarse from sleeping and.. well, that didn't matter did it?
Sirius came into view and James had to fight a scowl. Fuck. James really needed to get ahold of this bitter and vile feeling when he sees Sirius. He knows it's jealousy, but he shouldn't be jealous of her. He really shouldn't.
"James we have track practice!"
Oh. Oh, he forgot about that. James slept all night? He didn't feel like it. He felt exhausted and like he was going to succumb to the blackness edging his vision when he walked. How long ago had he ate? He wasn't sure anymore. It's okay though, nobody was concerned yet.
And nobody asking questions.
"James? Prongs, you alright?"
And the bitterness threatened to claw out of his throat and tell Sirius how James felt. He swallowed it back. "Yeah, I'm okay, I'm coming," he announced, peeling the comforting blanket off of him. James missed the warmth and how fluffy it felt against him already. Would anyone miss him once he was gone? Sirius seemed satisfied with that answer and walked out with a nod and grin in his direction. James didn't reciprocate. Every day, every damn day, the feeling of jealousy and resentment was growing. If Sirius had starved himself like James was, why wasn't he noticing? Did Sirius even care? Did Sirius even care enough to worry about him? Who cares, James didn't. James told himself it didn't matter. James pulled himself up and begged for the blackness that surrounded his eyes to stay gone. He couldn't pass out at the one sport he truly loved. James couldn't risk that, so he sucked it up and grabbed a granola bar to eat on the way there.
He pulled some clothes out of his drawers and ran into the bathroom. James didn't need anyone seeing him, how horrible and ugly he was. With the door closed, James turned away from the mirror and glanced down at the scale. One more time wouldn't hurt. James pulled off his hoodie and then his shirt, following his routine of tapping each of his ribs while counting and then tapping his collarbones. He relished in the sound the tapping made.
Thank god that's over.
Then James moves to his pants. This was the part he struggled with the most. He hated the way his thighs, just barely, touched. He hated how they rubbed together when he walked.
James pulled his pants down and stepped out of them. He tilted his head back to stop the tears, he didn't have time for this. Then he stepped on the scale. It was still the same as last night. It was okay, he was going to do better. Track would help. He made sure it did.
With a deep breath, he pulled his clothes on and headed off to the track.
Once James got there, albeit being a later late due to nearly fainting on stairs, he joined the stretching circle. He followed every stretch but he was itching to run. He'd probably join the distance runners today.
That was a mistake. Coming to track practice was a mistake. James realised this as he was hunched over the toilet in the stall, leaning against it to stop himself from fainting. He hated this part, James hated that he couldn't do what he loved. And he loved running, so much. It was the one thing that made him happy, besides Evan. But Evan didn't even look his way. Running would have to do. People thought he was crazy for loving running as much as he did. But he loved the burning in his chest when he ran, the burning in his calfs. And he loved falling onto the grass, clutching his water bottle. A knock on the door brought him back to the present.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
James wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and stood up, bracing himself against the wall. How long had he been in there?
"Potter, you alright? The coach sent me to check on you."
And, oh, if Evan wasn't the love of his life, he was now. Evan's voice was smooth, relaxing. And he came to check on James. Oh, Evan was so sweet. James would be pretty enough for Evan to notice him.
"Yeah, I'm fine," James said through the door, stumbling slightly to the sink. He turned on the tap and washed his hands, drying them with a towel. The door opened and Evan was staring at James.
Fuck he was beautiful. Heavenly. Any word used to describe beauty.
James stumbled out of the bathroom, the blackness creeping into his vision once again, threatening to steal his conscience. James couldn't worry Evan. He couldn't. But he was.
"Potter, dude, are you okay?" Evan asked, catching James from stumbling to the ground.
That was embarrassing. Had James already ate his granola bar? Because, fuck, James really wanted it right now. "I'm okay. Do you have a small snack or something on you? If not that's okay," James muttered, he hated how his voice shook.
Evan seemed to stare at James, studying him. James looked everywhere except for at Evan because he knew he'd tell him everything if Evan asked.
"Yeah, I have something," Evan said, running off to ask the coach if they could go grab something and pointed back at James. The coach seemed to nod and Evan ran back. Evan was beautiful when he ran. Gorgeous. "Okay, let's go." Then he took James' hand and pulled him into the school building. The locker room door was slightly heavy as Evan opened the door. Evan stopped at the back of the room and opened his locker.
"Alright, here you go," the other boy said, tossing a bag of chips and a granola bar. "Can I sit in here with you?"
Did Evan know? No, no James made sure nobody knew. Or would know. "Uh, thank you. And, uhm, you can stay, it's not like I own it."
They say together talking about nothing and everything. For once, James felt okay. He felt confident and seen in Evan's presence. And, god, it was so lovely to have Evan pay attention to him. James ate the bag of chips without feeling guilty. They talked until practice ended and James was closer to Evan's, physically with his knee knocking against the other's and figuratively. And maybe, just maybe, they would be friends.
People streamed into the changing room laughing and yelling, Sirius went straight towards James. They seemed to notice how close Evan and James were and raised his eyebrows. James clenched his jaw and that's when he felt the weight of chips in his stomach. He already had a granola bar and now chips? He was never going to be good enough for Evan. Why was Evan even giving him the time of day? Was it pity? Probably.
Evan probably knew and pitied him. Or Evan knew and wanted James to confirm so he could make fun of him. God, James was so fucking stupid. He let a dumb crush get in his way of his goal. The crush he was trying to be pretty for.
"Come on prongs," Sirius said, holding out his hand. James ignored it.
Evan said goodbye, giving James a side hug. Fuck, James never wanted to leave. Even if Evan was using him in some way. It'd be okay because at least Evan thought he was pretty and worth using.
James stood up and walked past Sirius without saying anything. Sirius looked at James confused and then back at Evan. "Did- did something happen?" Sirius asked. Evan looked just as confused.
"Not that I'm aware. We just talked."
Sirius shrugged and walked out after James to see him leaning on a tree.
James leaned against a tree, catching his breath and trying not to throw the bag of chips up.
James breathed in and out, listening to the wind rustle the trees.
In, out. In, out. Breath James. James reminded himself, breathing in and out. It worked enough and he stood back up straight. He's got this. Then he saw Sirius. Perfect Sirius.
James walked over to Sirius with a false grin. He just wanted to go home and get rid of the food in his system. They had plans didn't they? After they both went back to the dorms and showered.
The walk to the dorms was heavy with silence. Sirius trying to figure out was wrong and what she did, and James trying not to faint.
James sat in the shower, the water spraying his back. The coolness of the tiles grounding him. He thought back to Evan and his parents. Sirius and the rest of the marauders. The Valkyries. Hell, even Barty and Regulus (even though James doesn't like them too much). Would they all miss them him as much as he would miss them? He wasn't sure.
Was this really worth it? Yes, making himself look better was worth it. But was putting everyone through this worth it? He wasn't sure anymore. Now wasn't the time to worry about, James stunk even from the few laps he did around the track, he needed to shower. Tears fell down his face, staining his cheeks with tear streaks and rimming his eyes with red.
James stood up, leaning against the wall. His entire body felt wrong. His arms felt wrong, too long. His stomach felt wrong. And his thighs, fuck, James hated his thighs. He hated the way the touched (even if it was barely anymore).
James tapped his collarbones and brought his hand to his chest, wrapping his fingers around it. Almost his fingers wrapped around his wrist except his pinky finger. It was comforting. James took a deep breath and finished his shower.
But James never forgot how disgusted his felt with himself. How disgusted at how fat he was. James would never forget how he felt rubbing the body wash into his skin. And James will never forget rushing out of the shower to lean over the toilet and spill out the little he had ate.
James couldn't keep doing this, he couldn't. The almost permanent tear stains on his face told him that. The red rimming his eyes every night told him that. The weighing himself constantly and vomiting told him that.
James stepped on the scale again, "Fuck, I can't do this."
He decided he would do it tonight. He would rid the world of himself. James would die. James would rid himself, too, of himself. Perhaps, maybe, he would die happy. James wouldn't indulge in any food today, or tonight. He would die the way he wanted to be, or tried to be.
James sat down at his desk and began to write multiple letters. To the rest of the marauders, the Valkyries, one to Evan himself and his friends, and lastly to his parents. He'd probably miss them the most. More so than Evan.
It was like Sirius knew. Like Remus and Peter knew. They trailed after him all day, tried to get him to eat. Which he refused, because who was he to deny a dying man's wish? Looking back at it, Remus knew. The way he looked at James and the conversations they had. Remus knew. But he didn't know it'd be tonight. He thought he had time.
"James," Remus said after pulling James into a separate room. "You know you can talk to me right?"
James would nod and give him a friendly smile, punching him slightly in the shoulder. "I know Moony." He had his letters written and charmed to go to the person they're addressed to when he said a certain word.
The day seemed to drag on until James was back in his dorm room. Everyone else was out, Remus went with major hesitancy.
James was glad nobody else was in the dorm, it'd be awkward to have someone walk in while he was pinching at his skin, tryyto tear it apart and leaving red scratch marks along his torso and thighs.
God, James was sick of himself. Any time he looked in a mirror, he wanted to throw up. James was going to make sure nobody, not even himself.
With this, James took his wand in his hand and cast a cutting spell on himself but not before whispering the letters off to their owners. Someone like him didn't deserve a quick and painless death with the killing curse.
The last things James thought before he lost conscience was, "please don't let them find me in time."
This plea didn't get answered because of the letters.. He was found by the marauders and taken to the hospital wing. James didn't make it.
Euphemia was crying into the arms of her husband, Fleamont, as her son was lowered into the ground. Fleamont was trying to be strong for his other son, Sirius, and his wife.
Sirius was trying not to cry but was failing miserably while Remus held her. He looked guilty. Remus thought- it didn't matter. He didn't do it, and now it was too late. James's death was on his hands. Peter was comforting the both of them. Peter was devastated at the loss of a childhood best friend, of a best friend he thought would be at his wedding.
Pandora was hugging her brother. Evan sobbed into Pandora's shoulder. And Evan never cried in public. "Pans, I never- never got to tell him how I felt!" Evan whispered, his voice hoarse. Pandora didn't know what to say. What were you supposed to say to comfort you brother about his love who died? She didn't know.
James' death didn't just have a negative affect, no. It had a positive too. It had let to Regulus putting himself on the path of recovery with the help from his boyfriend. Regulus felt terrible it had caused James' death to get him to do this. But it made him realize he didn't want to die. It'd be a grueling process, but maybe, maybe, it was worth it.
And Lily, oh Lily, she lost someone who felt like a brother to her, the brother she went to when she was feeling upset. How had she not noticed. How? How could she have been a terrible friend.
Marlene mourned the loss of a childhood best friend with Peter. She didn't cry until she got home. Marlene collapsed into Dorcas' arms with a choked sob and cries about how she should've noticed. Dorcas comforted her through it, always.
Mary. Mary would mourn the loss of a friend who helped her through anything. James helped her through her own minor body image issues. James helped her through her sexuality crisis and into accepting herself.
Nobody was hit harder than Evan. Evan who lost his sun, his reason for laughter and smile. The one boy who made track practice fun when he didn't want to go. Most of all, Evan would mourn the loss of his love. The sun that would never rise and warm him again, Evan would never see James' beautiful brown eyes again. He'd mourn James for the rest of his life, he'd never forget James. Not even when Evan found love in another. James would be his first