Chapter Text
Levi replayed the first time he ever laid eyes on Erwin, a while ago now, but it still haunted his head like it was yesterday. A deep, baritone laugh had made Levi turn towards it before he could even register the sound. When he did, he spotted him instantly; striking blue eyes, an entrancing grin, leaning close to his group of probable friends. Levi had seen them plenty before, but he had never paid much mind to them. Not until now, as they sat beside who Levi could only assume was a goddamn Greek deity in the flesh.
He thought back to the first time their eyes had met; broad shoulders stiffened, he didn't look away. Erwin had been staring. Levi wasn't too sure why, at the time. Levi assumed that blond-himbo-hottie had been staring because he wasn't into his look, and was probably freaked out. Like when you see an ugly bug that you can't look away from. He downed the rest of his drink.
Suddenly, Petra put down a new drink in front of him, then said, 'this is from the hot blond in the fancy shirt'. When Petra pointed to the perpetrator, Levi's eyes wandered along. He was dumbfound to see that hot blond, flashing him a ravishing smile. Frankly, it took Levi's breath away, made his heart pound embarrassingly. What was he, sixteen again? He took the drink, willing steadiness into his hand, then tipped it towards him, a silent thanks.
That was all it was. Their first encounter, and Levi wasn't sure if he would just take that. One part of him wanted this handsome blond to grow balls and speak to him (Levi sure wouldn’t manage that, himself), to place one of those strong hands on the back of Levi's seat and keep him there. The other part, a voice that fought for dominance, screaming for Levi to have some sense, telling him he was only going to wind up hurt. It spoke to him, he didn't deserve that glowing smile, not the drink either. It dictated that he wasn't worth it, wasn't good enough. He never fucking would be.
Things changed dramatically for Levi the following week. He bought formal-but-sexy a drink. Man alive, even his liquor screeched fancy.
He wouldn't deny how badly he wanted to, that he couldn't take his mind off the idea, the invitation. He convinced himself that it was only fair, he had bought him a drink last week. Who's gonna blame him for caving? Blame I-want-to-wash-his-clothes guy.
Just as Petra finished her delivery of a glass filled just a little extra with white wine, he met those bright blue eyes. His gut dropped, there was that voice again. That hell forsaken voice.
Worthless, weak, filthy, it told him, right into his ear.
With that, he escaped before that man had the chance to laugh in his face, yap that he'd bought Levi a drink to screw with him, or whatever worse heartache that charmer could have in store.
As much as he wanted to listen to the insulting voice, the one that messed him up, remind himself what of a fucking person he was, it was harder now. It was obviously the most difficult when Erwin was all over his neck with that charmer mouth, snaking strong arms around him and blanketing him in something Levi didn't feel often; affection and desire- directed at Erwin. Those devoted eyes, the uttering of ridiculous nonsense like; "you're so beautiful", or gasping Levi's name. Those concerned expressions that Levi wanted to kiss, and damn whenever Erwin was pressed inside him and patiently waiting for Levi to adjust to him- as opposed to fucking him through the pain without a care.
Meaningless sex became meaningful, something he was addicted to like nothing else before. It was scary. He told himself he'd never let someone come this close to him, not romantically at least.
Then they clashed. Levi had tried so hard to push Erwin away, to convince himself as well as Erwin, that there were no feelings between them. He stormed out, ignored the tiny voice squirming its wish that he would stay and admit defeat.
Suddenly he found himself at the bar the next chance he got. Erwin wasn't there. He searched, he knows.
So he tried again, on Saturday for a change. "You're spending a lot of time here lately, Levi. A certain someone got anything to do with that?" Petra had asked, smirking like the shithead she was. "Don't be fucking stupid," he had muttered disapprovingly, avoiding her eyes.
Their second time clashing was shortly after Erwin clamped a hand on that dirty-hairy-ape's shoulder, eyes darting to the uninvited hand groping Levi's clothed thigh. The fucker finally showed up, it seems. "You should keep your hands to yourself," Erwin had told shit-faced baboon. In that moment, a feeling Levi missed touched him; despite his long separation from the feeling, it didn't take long for him to place it. The feeling of being protected and cared for by someone. Someone he liked more than he'd ever admit, not even at gunpoint.
Levi was convinced that he'd finally cracked, then. He found himself standing in front of Erwin's door, knocking persistently. He was fucking tired, fucking fatigued . Drained because of his inability to rest, drained from picking fights with himself, scrambling to stay away from annoyingly-warm and not just sexy-hothot Erwin. Literally warm, like a bloody radiator. He was angry. Angry at the ass primate, angry at himself, even angry at Erwin for being so damn gentle with him. Handling him like he was delicate glassware. He couldn't take it. He can't remember the last time he was treated like this.
Erwin knew exactly what to say to ease Levi's rage, and his natural ability for it was only improving the more time Levi hung around him.
"You're scared." Erwin had told him calmly; stated as though it was a blatant fact. Levi hated that it was, but hearing it from Erwin made it feel just a little better.
He dared to realise he was afraid. Afraid of being judged and getting too close; Erwin would get to know Levi properly. He would be put off by what he would learn. Levi would let him in, let himself trust Erwin, and Erwin would repay him by leaving. It was a scary, inevitable fact.
Levi was wary, always searching for the first sign of disinterest or apprehension in those eyes. But he was yet to find it. The skies in his irises never clouded.
Levi was stood at the bottom of the youth centre's garden, his shoulder resting against a tall tree. His eyes were staring straight in front of him, right at nothing. It was a Wednesday morning and pissy freezing, as usual. December was Levi's least favourite month of the year. He was so cold, he was sure his nuts were about to freeze and fall off. The air was crisp and cold, the plants covered in glistening frost as breath condensed in the air. Everything around him felt ashen and ghostly, ice fucking cold. Levi hated that, almost as much as he hated the rain. He didn't see the appeal in ice and snow the way other idiots did- he'd bet that Erwin was one of those idiots who fucking loved the snow. That big chump was always happy.
He tilted his head up to the sky, narrowing his eyes, but his problems with the weather were being fixed. Golden hues were beginning to peek out from behind thick clouds that reminded him of a certain pair of eyebrows, and Levi could see the tiny flecks of blue that fought to overthrow the sky's sinister reign.
That sexy bastard's face was back in his mind, again. Blue, gold, warm like the Sun, almost as hot.
He let his eyes slip shut, picturing that face as golden rays landed on his skin, and made him feel less cold. He let his thoughts seize his mind and swallow him whole whilst he had the moment to himself. He was working, but few of the resident children were awake, so it was quiet enough for him to escape and find isolation in the garden. He needed the silence, just for a minute or two, maybe three. He was running on two hours of sleep- again, but it still made his mind feral, completely shitting wild. He was stressed, exhausted, and those things made his brain feel like it was going to fucking combust. He was on edge, all twitchy. And there was a reason for it, a reason that went further than the fact he was worn out.
Even though he hated to admit it, Levi was missing that oversized asshole. When Erwin was near, Levi felt weird. He felt lighter. It was easier to be in his own mind. That obnoxious voice in his head, the one that hurled insults at him was quieter; he could breathe easier.
Just thinking about Erwin right now made his stomach flip, made him feel sick. Tonight, they were going to have their first real date. Sure, they had met for coffee and walks, slept with each other countless times, but that was different. It was nothing like a damn dinner date- something exclusive couples did. Dinner with Erwin was a big step; a step he wasn’t sure he was made to take. His hands felt clammy just thinking about it. Disgusting.
He thought back to Erwin, hearing his deep, calming voice, "Are we boyfriends?"
Blondie always asked so many questions, and what a question that had been. At that moment, he panicked. He was shocked by the question, and he felt so damn stupid. He felt like a stupid teen again, all smitten and lovesick for that bushy-browed, beefy man. It was gross. Did he want to be boyfriends? Yes . But that was a tough fucking thing to say out loud.
"Mr. Levi!" A cheery little voice cried, tearing him out of his trance and giving him metaphorical whiplash.
Levi looked up towards the stairs that led towards the building; following the sound of his name.
Scurrying, rushed footsteps and a flash of mousy-brown hair later, and Falco was colliding straight into him at full speed. Levi stumbled backwards upon impact but quickly stomped a firm foot to the ground, arms flying out to catch the boy. This time, whiplash was physical.
Falco was one of the residents of the youth centre; he was ten years old and lived there with his older brother, Colt, who was almost fifteen. They shared the same hazel eyes and mousy hair, only the younger of the two had more of a baby face, and was a lot shorter. Levi often referred to Colt as ' Beanpole '- that boy was fucking lanky. They moved to the home four months ago, after the death of their mother. Their father- who Levi thought was no more than an alcoholic piece of shit, had given them up to the centre about a month after her death. Their crappy dad didn't visit often, something that made Levi's chest feel tight with anger.
Levi huffed out a laugh as Falco's arms flew around his middle and squeezed the air out of his lungs. When he spoke, his voice was gentle, "Didn't we talk about that? You'll knock me onto my ass one of these days, you little shit."
There was a giggle, and then a little voice that became muffled by Levi's jacket, "Mr. Levi! Guess what?!"
"Just Levi," Levi corrected, for the hundredth time. Still, he grinned, reaching a hand up to ruffle his hair, "what is it?"
"I made a new friend at school yesterday!" Falco was either buzzing with excitement, or shaking from the cold, Levi wasn't sure. But his lack of a coat made him lean more towards the latter.
Levi smiled, giving the boy a squeeze before prying him away so that he would be able to hear him better. "That's great, kid. You wanna tell me about it inside? You'll get sick without a coat.”
Falco nodded, blowing a huff out of his nose. His tiny hand clamped onto Levi’s and pulled, urging him in quicker. Levi gladly let the boy tug him along, smirking at his energy.
With one hand clutching little Falco's, the other tugged at Erwin's scarf, tightening it around his neck, trying to wring all the warmth he could out of the shitty thing. He couldn't bear to leave it at home when he left for work this morning, so he let himself cave and bundled himself up. Like some mushy asshole.
As Falco practically yanked Levi like a ragdoll through the entrance and into the youth centre, he began to prattle on, clearly overexcited. Who gave this brat coffee? Levi wondered, scanning Falco's expression for tell-tale signs of a sugar rush. Looked as if he was seconds away from imploding? Check. Wild eyes? Check. Won't shut up for the life of him? Fucking hell, check.
"Her name's Gabi, she's ten like me! She just moved here, so she's new in my class, but guess what, she's coming to visit on Friday- you have to meet her!" Falco was beaming up at him, hazel eyes wide with joy.
"Sounds good-"
"She's got brown hair, brown eyes, she's pretty funny, too! And she lives with her older cousin, who knows Colt- how crazy is that? Small world, right? Anyway, she's kinda crazy, I think she tried to fight me yesterday, but I'm not really sure."
Jesus Fucking Christ.
Levi looked himself over in the mirror; his view distorted by shattered pieces of glass. He’d been meaning to buy a new mirror for months now, ever since he stuck his fist through it during a damn bitch fit of rage. He could barely make out his features, but he was more worried about his outfit. He knew that Erwin would look good tonight; it would be hard for him not to. But Levi? Wearing an old pair of black jeans and a damn borrowed shirt from Furlan, he felt ridiculous. The dark grey shirt was baggy, but it wasn't too big. Did he look like anything special? No. Next to Erwin, would he look like a damn sewer rat? Yep. Right now, he was glad for his unclear reflection. If he were able to get a better look at himself, it would send him spiralling. Not good enough, fucking waste of space, that voice would taunt.
He looked away, put his back to the mirror instead. He was nervous enough for the date, without having those thoughts whipping his brain.
With a sigh, he picked up his jacket from his coat rack, pushed his arms through, and zipped it up. It wasn’t the nicest jacket; a realisation that made him roll his eyes, but it was his only option. Erwin would probably turn up in some blazer, or something as equally posh and stupid. Fancy prick.
Where his jacket had been hung, Erwin’s scarf lay beside it; looking as though it was pretty lonely and cold up there, all alone. So Levi picked that up too, wrapped it around himself. Fancy Bastard would probably want it back, anyway.
Before leaving, he took a final glance at his apartment. A small studio that felt cramped as shit; worn and torn wallpaper that Levi couldn’t afford to fix. It was clean as hell- nothing could be cleaner than Levi’s home- but it didn’t always feel that way. Being in a place like this only stirred up memories of mold and damp covered walls, carpet stained with fuck knows what. Alcohol, blood, cigarettes. The lingering smell of filth. His mother, face hollow, body still.
He snapped his eyes shut. He’d not long showered, but he suddenly felt unclean again. Remembering only did him no good, he knew that. But if he was able to fix this place up, even just a bit, maybe he’d feel better. Maybe he could live here peacefully.
He thought about Erwin’s home instead. Bright, full of colour and life. More plants than Blondie could care for alone, more books than what could be humanly possible. How many of them had he actually read? Blue and white walls, coated evenly with paint. Erwin’s place would be perfect- if the prick actually cleaned it right. Levi’s trained eyes always spotted layers of dust, drawers overstuffed with items that poked out, shoes strewn across the living room. Shoes inside? Come on, really?
Levi opened his eyes again, but he didn’t let them linger on the walls of his ‘home’. It didn’t really feel like a home.
He padded over to the door, picking up his phone as he passed the kitchen table. He picked his boots up from the shoe rack, toed them on, then tied them. Without another look at his place, he yanked open the door and left, locking it securely behind him. He checked the handle twice to be sure it was locked.
He opened his texts with Erwin, re-read their conversation from the evening prior. Six-thirty, Rico’s . A Thai restaurant that Erwin liked.
It was ten minutes past six.
The restaurant was only ten minutes away from Levi’s apartment, so as he began to walk down the cobbled street, he took his time.
He didn’t eat out very often, and there were a few reasons behind that. First, how could he trust that places were clean? Did the chefs wash their hands between everything they touched? Were the refrigerators and stoves clean by Levi’s standards? He doubted that. Secondly, that shit was expensive. How the fuck would he justify spending money on eating out, when he could save that money by cooking at home? Fucking crazy. But if he could guess, he would think that Erwin ate out a lot. Fancy Bastard didn't have to worry about money.
Levi was halfway there, when snow began to fall. That was just fucking great.
If there was anything that Levi hated nearly as much as the rain, it was snow. Smug, cold, pissy snow, which was going to be filled with piss in a few hours. Maybe he was just being dramatic, but he was sure that nothing could go worse tonight. Unless Eyebrows decides he doesn’t want anything to do with Levi anymore? Then maybe it could get worse, but he sure hoped not.
He tugged his hood over his face, stuffed his hands beneath the warm scarf. Still not good enough- he was damn cold, and he knew the snow would make it difficult as hell to warm up.
When he reached the restaurant, he found the warmth he was searching for. He shuffled inside, pulled his hood down and glanced around.
The lights were dim, candles set on each table creating a warm glow. Damn, what was with Erwin and that warm glow that followed him everywhere, like a lost fucking puppy?
The wood clad walls met dark green halfway up, decorated with paintings of landscapes and mountains. It wasn't a big restaurant, but it looked nice enough. Quiet enough, for Levi's liking.
A blonde girl, who looked to be in her late teens and really didn’t want to be there, approached Levi. She stopped in front of him, stated in a bored voice, “Hi. Welcome to Rico’s.”
Levi blinked away awkwardly, shuffled on the spot. “Hi. Got a table under Ackerman.”
“Uh-huh. Right this way, sir,” she murmured, and stepped past him.
Levi trailed behind her, eyeing up the place as they passed through. A shelf full of decorative teapots and teacups catch his eye, so he squints to get a closer look.
When the girl stopped walking, she turned to look at Levi, staring blankly. It was a small table for two in the corner of the restaurant, lit nicely by a small candle in the middle of the table. There was a flower- fucking fake as hell, but it was blue, and he supposed Erwin would like it.
“This is your table, sir,” the waitress stated, looking up at Levi. Levi made the mental note that she's slightly smaller than him, something that perks his mood up.
“Thanks,” Levi responds, taking the seat that faced the restaurant, so he could keep an eye out for Erwin.
The waitress hums quietly in response as Levi takes his seat, before walking away. He wasn't very bothered by the fact that she was a little grumpy- at least she wasn’t chatty. He hated that shit.
He unzips the jacket and slips it off, hangs it on the back of his chair. He's more hesitant to remove Erwin's scarf, but he still does, then drapes it safely on top of the jacket. Then he pulls out his phone, and his stomach flips when he realises he has a text from that shithead.
Blondie:
See you soon x
Levi swallowed, feeling sick now. He was fidgeting in his chair, foot tapping impatiently on the ground. He thought to respond, ‘ Hurry the fuck up ’, because the anticipation was suddenly killing him, as he realised he would have to wait here like an idiot all because he got there too early. Instead, he sends the middle finger emoji. He doesn’t send an ‘ x ’ back, because that’s just fucking gay, even for him.
It’s twenty minutes past six now, Levi realises, and he gives an impatient sigh. Five minutes until Erwin gets his ass here, Levi thinks. That was a long ass time.
He knows that shithead enough by now, to remember that he's punctual. Punctual, as in, he will be there five minutes before their agreed time. It wasn’t a bad thing, because at least it meant that he would only be waiting five minutes, as opposed to ten.
The minutes pass slow, so fucking slow that Levi considers ripping out his hair for something fun to do. The blonde waitress brings a jug of water to the table, and Levi pours himself a glass with shaky hands. His eyes are flickering towards the door every thirty seconds, and he really does think he’s losing it, but he doesn't have it in him to care.
Twenty-two minutes past.
Levi looks up again; nothing. With each minute that changes, his chest feels tighter. He leans forward, tries to see if he can spot Erwin down the street, but he can’t.
His bouncing knee begins to ache, and so he lets it drop with a sigh. It's only a second of stillness until the other knee is bouncing wildly instead.
He begins to tap a finger against his knee, because the movement of his leg isn't enough to keep him calm. Fucking asshole , he thinks as he checks the time once more. His heart is racing so fast, he thinks he could take off. His throat feels so tight, he's almost choking. He picks up his glass of water, and he’s trembling, almost spills it.
“Motherf-” he starts, silences himself by bringing the water to his lips and taking a sip. It's cold, refreshing against his tongue, and soothes the growing lump that's forming at the back of his throat. He chugs the whole thing like it's a glass of whiskey.
Twenty-four minutes past. Now, Levi wants to punch something. Preferably something that would give a satisfying smash, like the large jug of water and ice. It looked as though it would crack into several pleasing pieces, if he struck it hard enough.
But maybe if he gets up and leaves now, he doesn’t have to deal with this. If he leaves now, he might not bump into Erwin on the way. Maybe he could slip out fast enough that no one notices at all.
He sets the glass down, his body stilling. He could run. Erwin's never been to his apartment, he couldn't find him and ask why the fuck he left.
Running would sure help the adrenaline that’s rushing through him. He would feel much better. If he left now, maybe it would put a stop to that stupid warm feeling he gets when he thinks about Erwin. He thought about those hands that were huge compared to his, the soft blond hair that falls out of its place when Levi runs a hand through it.
Ah fuck. Levi realises he's going nowhere. Because if he was, he wouldn't get to feel those hands smoothing over his jaw, feel the crunch of hair gel beneath his own fingers. Those blue eyes looking at him as if he's the only thing they want to look at.
Then the door opened, and a small breeze carried through the restaurant. It wandered over to Levi, makes him shiver. It's cold, but Levi doesn't hate it, because the restaurant is still warm enough.
He’s not facing the door, can’t even see it out of the corner of his eyes, but he knows it's Erwin who has just entered. So he looks up sharply, turns his head towards the front of the restaurant, and his mind stops dead in its tracks, his anxiety eases.
Erwin’s already looking at him, and when they make eye contact, blue eyes light up, like the sky breaking through rain clouds. He looks like a damn kid on Christmas, but Levi's stomach still tightens. He’s wearing a deep blue shirt with dark grey trousers, and everything fits perfectly, fits his frame nicely. He’s not wearing a stupid blazer like Levi thought, but he’s wearing a dark overcoat that looks thick and soft. Levi wants to open it up and slide beneath it, too.
When Erwin starts to walk towards Levi, his chest feels even tighter. He’s still nervous, still feeling kinda sick, but with Erwin’s eyes on him, he feels better. It's not unbearable.
Erwin is smiling so widely that Levi can't help but smile back, even if it's only small.
"Hey," Erwin greeted, long fingers moving to unbutton his coat. He peels it off, then throws it over the chair opposite Levi.
Levi's eyes follow the action, and he wants to scold him for being careless about his coat. When he looks back up at blue eyes, he forgets all about the scolding he was going to give.
"Have you been here long?" Erwin asked, patting down his hair before he took his seat.
"No," Levi snaps defensively, planting his hands down on his knees to hold them still. "Why would I? I've got a fucking life, you know."
Erwin raises a brow, but he doesn't ask any questions. He looks amused, something that makes Levi want to throw his glass at his stupid head.
"It's snowing outside," Erwin hums, face splitting into a grin.
Levi glanced away, his previous suspicions of Erwin liking snow confirmed. "Yeah, I saw it. I didn't teleport here, you know. Had to fucking walk through it."
Erwin hums thoughtfully as he picks up the jug and pours himself a glass of water. Levi feels surprised when Erwin tops up his glass too. He looks at him, and Erwin's eyes must sense it, because he meets his eye and offers him a soft smile.
"You don't like the snow, then?" Erwin asked, setting the jug back down.
"Fuck no," Levi huffed, his grip on his knees tightening when Erwin sets his hands down on the table, and they're close enough that Levi wants to grab them. "It's too cold."
Erwin chuckled softly, making it even more difficult for Levi to tear his eyes away. Fuck you, he thinks.
"Sorry for bringing it up," Erwin says softly, as if he really is sorry about it. Levi feels as though he's melting, thanks to that voice.
Levi didn't respond, because he really didn't know what to say to that. Was it awkward now? He narrowed his eyes at Erwin, trying to read his thoughts. Yeah, that's not fucking possible.
With a sigh, Levi realised that this was going to be painful.