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“What are you doing here?”
Tim stood in the doorway of his small bedroom at the rooming house in Washington DC, not quite believing what his eyes were seeing.
Hawkins Fuller.
It has been almost 3 weeks to the day that he had stormed out of Hawk’s apartment after finding out that he planned to marry Lucy Smith. That day had started out so perfectly that Tim could have never envisioned how that night would end. He and Hawk had spent the evening laughing, snuggling and exchanging Christmas gifts. They fantasized about a trip to New York city and spent hours in each other's arms, making love.
Tim always dreaded the time of night when he’d have to leave Hawk’s apartment so he wasn’t seen, but it was a necessary evil, until they could figure out a better way to have their relationship. Tim should have known better though, all the talk of trips to New York and spending more time together went up in smoke, as Tim saw Hawk transform from the loving, caring, giving person into Hawkins Fuller, smooth talking government bureaucrat with the cold steely gaze.
A shiver went up Tim’s spine as he tried to inquire lightly about when they would see each other again.
Hawk’s icy response was–- “We need to talk”.
Tim should have known what was coming. He should have prepared himself for the massive heartbreak that was about to be unleashed on him. But he wasn’t. He could never do what he needed to do to protect his heart when it came to Hawk. When the words came it was like a knife piercing through his belly.
“Skippy… we can’t see each other anymore…” Hawk’s voice that was strong a second ago seemed to trail off. He coughed as if needed to clear his throat to get the words out.
“The government is investigating me. I didn’t want to tell you but someone reported me. I think it was that little bitch in my office that can’t stand that I don’t want her… but regardless, it just isn’t safe for me, or you, to keep seeing each other. I’m sorry that…”
“Yeah, I bet you’re sorry” Tim cut him off. Anger growing in his body. The body that just moments ago went through all the emotions of being in love. Of knowing that it has found it’s soulmate. The pain was too much to bear, so anger is what was left.
“We just spent the last 5 hours together…so happy…and now you… you… tell me this? I don’t understand Hawk, how….” Tim’s voice cracked with despair. His body began to shake– it happened whenever he felt angry, afraid or deeply upset. He had no control over it. It was his body’s natural reaction to stress.
“Skippy, I told you before that we didn’t have a future together…. I never said anything different.”
Tim shook his head in disbelief.
“That was months ago and I thought… I thought your mind was changing. I thought the time we’ve spent together the past few months was helping you see that our relationship is worth trying to keep. I thought I meant something to you…”
Tim couldn’t hold back the tears. He wanted to but that just wasn’t who he was. He was going to show his emotions, he couldn’t hide from them like Hawk could.
“Skippy, you do mean something to me…” Hawk sounded exasperated, as if he couldn’t believe Tim was having this reaction.
“But I can’t risk my life, my career, everything I’ve worked so hard to accomplish for…” Hawk looked away as if not wanting to say the next word.
“For me.” Tim whispered.
“You are a cold-hearted bastard, you know that? So what are you going to do now? Run to Lucy Smith to prove to the government you’re not a fairy?” Tim barked out a hollow laugh after his last word.
Hawk just stood there staring at him with those crystal clear blue eyes. The eyes that he’d gotten lost in so many times, he’d lost count. The eyes that he loved.
“I’m going to ask Lucy to marry me, it’s the only way to stop the speculation and investigation into my life.”
Tim saw pain flash in Hawk’s eyes for just a moment, but he recovered quickly walking over the bar to pour himself a healthy sized glass of whiskey.
“Tim, I’m sorry, I never should have let this go on for as long as I have…”
“But you did. You lead me on for months…”
Hawk stood with his back to him staring down at his drink, not able to meet Tim’s eyes.
“Well I guess that’s it then. You’ve made up your mind to be in a loveless marriage, lying to yourself and everyone around you for the rest of your life. That’s what you want?”
“Fuck… Skippy, you know that’s not what I want…but it’s the way it has to be” Hawk breathed out and took another sip of the brown liquid.
“No, there’s another way. But that’s the hard road. That’s the one that’s inconvenient and messy and scary…” Tim moves closer to Hawk and stops right next to him, their shoulders almost touching, so close, but so far, and then he continues.
“And beautiful and loving and warm…” Tim stops and looks over at Hawk, begging him to look at him.
Hawk flinches. Tim can see his right hand holding the drink is shaking ever so slightly.
Maybe. Maybe there’s hope. ‘If he will just look at me, things will be ok. We will work this out’ Tim’s mind is grasping for any shred of hope. But that hope never comes.
Hawk forces out a breath, closes his eyes and takes a step away from Tim.
He has made his choice. There were no more words to be said. With tears running down his face Tim turns for the door. He reaches for the knob and stops briefly.
“We could have had it all.” He says quietly as he opens the door and walks out of Hawk’s life.
Several scenes flash in front of Tim’s eyes, remembering what happened in the days after that heart wrenching fight at Hawk’s place.
His hat pulled as far down as he could get it to hide his tear streaked face as he walked aimlessly through the darkened DC streets, heartbroken but also angry at himself for allowing Hawk to treat him like trash yet again.
Arriving home hours later hoping that Hawk would be waiting for him in the shadows across the street like he did the other time they fought. The night that Hawk opened up to him for the first time, telling him about his first love, Kenny and they just held each other all night. Tim foolishly thought that meant something to him, but it couldn’t have.
Two weeks after their fight, Tim quit his job in McCarthy’s office. He finally saw Joseph McCarthy for what he was– a liar and hypocrite and no one that Tim could associate himself with anymore. He handed in his letter of resignation and cleared out his desk.
The past week he spent trying to sort out what he was going to do with his life. He felt like he was drifting away in the ocean with no anchor to pull him back. He had seen an Army recruitment sign on his way home from noon mass the other day. He had just been praying to God to tell him what to do next and that sign felt like an answer to prayer.
He would join the army.
That way he would get away from Washington… away from Hawk. It was the only way he was going to get over him. The forced distance would mend his broken heart and allow him to figure out what to do with the rest of his life. He would go to the army recruitment office the next day and enlist.
So seeing Hawk standing at his door was so jarring that Tim thought he was hallucinating.
“What are you doing here?” Tim repeated a little louder this time.
Hawk brushes by him into the room without a word.
Tim spins around ready to tell him to get the fuck out– feeling the anger creeping up his spine like a disease that was just unleashed.
Hawk holds his finger up to his lips and points outside the door.
Tim then hears the footsteps on the stairs and quickly shuts the door.
They both wait to speak until the steps go down the hallway and into a different room.
“Why…”
“I needed to…”
They both start talking at the same time and both go quiet.
“Go ahead” Tim breathes as he lets out the breath he didn’t realize he was holding.
Hawk moves towards the chair at the desk and sits down, removing his hat– setting it on top of it.
“I needed to see you…to talk to you…”
“Save it” Tim bit back. “I’m all talked out. And if you came here for one last roll in the hay before you get married, you can forget it because that IS NOT going to happen. So you should really just leave.”
Tim turns back to the door and reaches for the doorknob.
“Wait… wait… I’m not getting married”
The words came rushing out of Hawk’s mouth like a gush of water after a dam breaks.
The words stop Tim cold. He doesn’t move. He’s not sure he’s breathing at this moment and not quite sure what to do. He feels paralyzed.
Hawk stands and takes a step toward him. Tim is still facing the door but his hand is now resting on the door itself – that solid piece of wood in front of him is the only thing keeping him upright.
Tim feels dizzy, his head is hazy and his heart feels like it’s about to beat out of his chest.
“Did you hear me?” Hawk asks quietly
The tears were already gathering in Tim’s eyes as he shook his head softly indicating he had heard him.
Tim knew he needed to compose himself or he might actually faint– he takes a deep breath, turns and walks to the bed and sits down at the very edge. His eyes fall to the floor, not ready to meet Hawk’s piercing blue gaze.
“I can’t marry her. I spent the last three weeks, thinking I was going to.”
“I tried to put you out of my mind…”
“I did everything I could to…”
Hawk takes a deep breath and moves closer to Tim sitting at the edge of the bed.
“I…” he breathes quietly, like he’s not quite sure what to say next. “I decided that I can’t do that to Lucy, it’s not fair to her. To be trapped in a marriage with a man that will never desire her, want her, truly love her… like she deserves.”
“You deserve that too Hawk” Tim interjects and looks up at Hawk’s towering frame standing over him.
It’s not lost on him that this is the way they were positioned on their first night together. The first night he felt Hawk’s touch and came apart in his hands on this very bed.
“You deserve to be fully loved for who you are. You deserve a partner in life that knows everything about you, and loves you unconditionally. Not living a lie. You deserve to be happy.”
Hawk let out a short little gasp and sat down roughly on the bed, as if the wind had been knocked out of him. Tim looked into his perfect eyes– and saw the carefully constructed wall that Hawk created to protect himself, falling apart. Tim felt his anger melt away as he saw his Hawk emerge. The sweet, loving, sensitive man he’d fallen in love in this room their first night together.
“Why are you here? Why are you telling me this? What do you want from me?”
“Skippy… I… I…” he started but then went quiet, the look in his eyes showed more pure emotion than Tim had ever seen before. Hawk brought his hand up to cup Tim’s face. He leaned in burying his face in Tim’s neck and deeply inhaled. He kissed his neck softly.
“Skippy…” he rasped as his lips moved from his neck to his jaw.
Tim wanted to just give in. Let Hawk kiss him, let him lay him down on this bed and get lost in his body. That would have been the easy thing to do. But Tim couldn’t do easy anymore. Things between them were beyond the ease of physicality. Tim needed, no deserved, more. So for the first time, he somehow found the strength to put his hands on Hawk’s chest and gently push him back.
“No, Hawk, I can’t do this– I need you to answer my questions. Why are you here? What do you want from me? So you aren’t getting married, but what does that change for us?”
Hawk looked a bit stunned but backed off immediately. Hawk started to look down at the floor, but Tim stopped him by putting his hand on his cheek and bringing his face back up so they were looking at each other. Hawk looked more vulnerable in this moment than Tim had ever seen him.
“Skippy, I want to… I want…” Hawk closed his eyes and rubbed his cheek back and forth in Tim’s hand. Tim knew verbalizing what he was feeling was going to be difficult for him.
“You told me just a couple of weeks ago that we have no future together, you hurt me deeper than anyone has ever hurt me in my life. I know that what is happening between us is hard for you. I also know that choosing me, choosing us, is probably the most terrifying thing you could ever do…”
“Well, I did rescue men in battle in the war, so maybe this isn’t the most terrifying thing…” Hawk looked up giving a half smile
“You know what I mean” Tim chuckled, breaking the tension a bit.
“Since I left your apartment, I’ve been making other plans, I’m not sure if you heard, but I quit my job and...” He stops briefly before continuing “...and decided to join the army…”
Hawk’s eyes fill with fear at the mention of Tim joining the military.
“I haven’t enlisted yet”
“Thank God” Hawk whispered as he closed his eyes briefly and let out an audible breath.
“I actually was planning to enlist tomorrow, I need to get out of DC, I need to get away from you. I need to try to get over you.”
“But now you're here, and I need you to tell me what you want before I make a final decision.”
Hawk moves his hands up to his face to take Tim’s hands in his. He brings them back down and holds them in his lap.
“Don’t get over me” Hawk whispers. “I’ll never be over you.”
Tim felt the tears well up in his eyes.
“Two weeks ago, one of the diplomats that represents the United States’ interests in Italy had a stroke. There is an unexpected opening and I applied for it and I've been told that I’m going to get the position. I just need to finish some paperwork before I get a formal offer.”
“So you are moving to Italy… you’re leaving DC?” Tim leans back, closes his eyes and starts to shake his head. He tries to pull his hands away but Hawk grips his hands harder so he can’t move them.
“It’s not what you think…” Hawk starts to explain
“What am I thinking Hawk?” Tim's eyes snap open and stare hard at him.
“Am I thinking about what you told me in bed… about how you want to move overseas and eat what you want and fuck who you want… total independent freedom? I think that is exactly what you said.”
“Well it looks like you are going to get your dream… congratulations” Tim spit out as he pulled his hands harder finally freeing them from Hawk’s steel grasp.
“Wait, no, it’s not what you think… I mean, yes I’m going to Italy…”
“Hawk, I can’t… I can’t take being hurt like this anymore. Why are you even telling me this? You want to twist the knife a little further into my heart?”
Tim pulls away from him completely and stands up, quickly moving to the door.
“You should go…”
“Tim, no. You don’t understand…”
“No, I think I understand perfectly. You’re not getting married and you’re leaving D.C., right? And now I want you to leave this room and leave my life for good.” He said his hand curled around the doorknob.
“I want you to come with me.” Hawk nearly yells.
For the second time since Hawk got there, Tim’s body goes completely still.
“Skippy, I want you to move to Italy with me.”
Tim is facing the door and feels himself going into shock. His body starts to lightly shake and he feels light-headed. A long moment passes and nothing is said. Tim has a lump in his throat the size of a boulder and the tears start to run down his face.
“Did you hear me?” Hawk asks quietly
Hawk is standing directly behind Tim at this point, close enough to touch him.
Tim, still facing the door, nods his head in the affirmative.
“Will you look at me?”
Tim’s shoulders start to shake and he lets out a sob and puts both of his hands on the door to support himself.
Hawk pulls Tim’s body back into him. And just holds him like that for a few seconds. Slowly he turns Tim around in his arms so they are face to face. Their eyes meet and Hawk leans in and puts his lips close to his ear.
“I can’t live without you. I don’t want to.” Hawk admits quietly.
Tim lets out an ever bigger sob and buries his face in Hawk’s neck.
Hawk begins rubbing his back, trying to soothe him.
“I know this isn’t going to be easy, but I’ve tried to live without you and I can’t. In such a short time you have become the most important person in my life, Timothy David Laughlin and I can’t…”
Hawk’s words abruptly stop and Tim hears Hawk let out a quiet sob and suddenly feels liquid warmth on the side of his face.
Hawk’s tears.
Tim pulls back to look at Hawk’s face, still keeping their bodies connected.
“I can’t live without you either. I love you Hawk. You are everything to me.”
They are both now softly crying but smiling at each other.
“So will you go to Italy with me, Skippy?”
“Yes… my love, I’ll go anywhere with you.”
Hawk finds Tim’s lips and kisses him softly. Tim responds in kind and they are kissing, crying and laughing.
And in the room where they had their first date, their first kiss… the room they fell in love in… they start making plans to move to Italy together.
-END-