Archive of Our Own

Chifuyu didn’t hate Kazutora - he couldn’t, no matter how hard he tried, because Kazutora was still Baji’s best friend, despite everything.

Forgiveness was tricky - Baji had welcomed Kazutora with open arms after the latter had been released from prison for the second time in his short time living, and really, this was his apology to accept, because he had been the one at the offending end of Kazutora’s knife, and so Chifuyu felt guilty whenever he felt a semblance of any independent opinion regarding the Kazutora situation forming in the back of his mind.

Except Chifuyu had been the one at Baji’s side from the ambulance to the emergency room, and he hadn’t been allowed inside the operating room but he’d sat on the ground outside the door biting his nails and praying to gods he didn’t believe in. Chifuyu had been the one spending sleepless nights on the chair that felt like concrete in Baji’s hospital room as the latter recovered, and he’d been the one to bring back Baji snacks from the convenience store across the street despite the nurses scolding the both of them for it, and he’d been the one that Baji had confided in late at night when the rest of the world was asleep except for the two of them - Chifuyu had been the one on the receiving end of Baji’s warm amber gaze, the one he reserved only for cats and those closest to him, and Chifuyu had been the one to walk Baji home after he finally got discharged. Chifuyu had been the one to clean up the mess left in the aftermath of Bloody Halloween, and he was the one who still woke up screaming sometimes because he had only been thirteen years old, and he’d been holding his entire world in his arms as everything crumbled around him - several extensive years of therapy helped mitigate the damage, but October thirty-first would never be the same again.

And Kazutora had been in a holding cell somewhere, waiting to be tried for his attempt on Baji’s life; he’d been sitting on his ass atoning for his sins while Chifuyu tirelessly worked to restore things back to the way they’d been before, or at least as close to that as possible. Kazutora was still the one that Baji flocked to like a moth to a flame, and they were glued to one another at the hip, always speaking in tongues that Chifuyu tried in vain to decipher but never found himself able to - they had been at each other’s sides since before Chifuyu had entered the picture, anyways, because it was Baji and Kazutora and Kazutora and Baji, and Chifuyu really was just playing a supporting role.

It was for that reason precisely why Chifuyu didn’t hate Kazutora - Baji was Chifuyu’s whole world, and it seemed apparent that Kazutora was Baji’s, and so it wasn’t Chifuyu’s place to step in. Maybe it was jealousy, but Chifuyu simply didn’t understand why Baji forgave in the manner that he did, or how he even had the capacity to do so.

Chifuyu didn’t hate Kazutora; he couldn’t even say he disliked the latter. There was just a barrier between the two of them that appeared to be unbreakable, and maybe that was okay.

Chifuyu buried his face into the pillow he’d been squeezing the life out of throughout the duration of his internal struggle. His mom would tell him to bring this up at his next therapy session, but Chifuyu thought that he would rather die than admit that he was so in love with Baji that it was eating him alive, and that this was the direct root of all of his current problems. Not even his upcoming exams at school held a candle to the turmoil that Chifuyu felt when he thought about Kazutora.

His phone buzzed where it lay on his mattress beside his head, and reflexively, Chifuyu reached for it, despite knowing exactly who was texting him at this hour in the morning. And yet, Chifuyu could never say no to Baji - not because he felt like he couldn’t, but rather because of the way that his heart twisted in his chest whenever they locked eyes. It was then that Chifuyu finally understood why it was called a crush, because it was certainly crushing him alive.

02:07 • 4 new messages from bajisan <33
come upstairs?
tora wants 2 talk 2 u
hurry b4 he changes his mind
i kno ur awake dickface

Chifuyu’s fingers moved faster than his thoughts did. on my way ^_^

Baji lived alone in the apartment upstairs - his mom had moved out the previous year in order to live with her parents - and so naturally, that was where Kazutora had come to stay following his most recent release from prison. Chifuyu didn’t hate that the two of them lived together, because he was still in the same building, after all; he couldn’t really complain when his mom paid for the roof over his head. Chifuyu was reluctant to call it jealousy, because that would mean accepting that he felt the way he did.

Slipping on a hoodie (one of Baji’s, no doubt) and his shoes as quietly as possible so as not to wake up his mom, Chifuyu slid out the front door and began what felt like his march to the gallows. Kazutora wanted to talk to him - Kazutora wanted to talk to him - and in Chifuyu’s mind, that couldn’t mean anything good. Kazutora never wanted to talk to him.

But the reason behind Kazutora’s seemingly sudden change of heart became apparent as Chifuyu approached Baji’s apartment door, and even more so when it swung open, a hazy cloud of smoke immediately punching Chifuyu square in the nose the moment it did so.

“Christ,” Chifuyu said before Baji could get a word in, and he was sure that he would have to deep clean his clothes afterwards in order to get the smell out. “But to be honest, I’m not too sure what else I expected.”

Baji furrowed his eyebrows as he let Chifuyu in, closing the door behind him and effectively hotboxing the entire apartment. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“It means you’ve got serious issues,” Chifuyu replied easily, grinning up at Baji teasingly, but the moment was quenched when Kazutora reminded him that there was, in fact, a third party in the room.

“Don’t we all?” Kazutora chimed in from where he sat on the couch, smiling around the lit joint in his mouth in a way that very clearly indicated his levels of sobriety in that moment (as if the fucking joint wasn’t telltale enough). “Want a hit?”

Ashamedly, Chifuyu actually spent a moment of thought on the matter, because he was beginning to doubt whether he could exist in that apartment right then without being inebriated. “I’m good.”

“It’s ‘cause he’s never smoked before,” Baji chirped playfully, resting an elbow on Chifuyu’s shoulder just a little bit too roughly, and when Chifuyu smiled it tasted bitter. That’s because you said you didn’t smoke until he showed up.

It had always been unspoken, from when Chifuyu had first met Baji back in middle school to the day that Kazutora was released from prison, that in a world full of choices, Baji would always, always choose Kazutora. That was just the way it was, and the way it always had been, and Chifuyu knew as much, but he had still foolishly allowed himself to fall deeper and deeper into purgatory, insatiably drunk on the thought that what he had with Baji was real, that it was mutual, that sneaky kisses shared in the dark on motorcycles and mornings after when Baji shone twice as bright as the sun filtering through the curtains in his bedroom actually meant something. Chifuyu knew it from the way the air changed when Baji smiled at Kazutora and from the way they always seemed to speak without saying anything, and Chifuyu had worked so hard to establish himself in Baji’s life, but how could he ever compare to the quiet yet feral mutuality that existed between Baji and Kazutora? It was something that Chifuyu knew he would never understand, and the thought alone destroyed him.

Chifuyu didn’t hate Kazutora, but he sure as hell didn’t exactly like him, either.

“Chifuyu,” drawled Kazutora, and reluctantly, Chifuyu finally brought his eyes up to meet the other’s piercing golden gaze; he really was like a tiger out in the jungle, silently stalking and scrutinizing his prey, and Chifuyu reckoned that he had never felt so tiny before in his life. He wanted to run away, wanted to hide behind Baji, because he didn’t want to die, at least not yet, at least not at the hands of Kazutora. “Wanna go out on the balcony?”

Meekly, Chifuyu glanced over at Baji, searching for any sort of reassurance; there wasn’t a single drop of doubt clouding Baji’s amber irises, and he offered the blond a gentle smile before urging him forward with a gentle push to the small of Chifuyu’s back. Baji’s level of trust in Kazutora was absolutely absurd, but it mirrored Chifuyu’s own trust in Baji, after all, because Chifuyu found himself cautiously trailing after Kazutora out onto the balcony after he had sought Baji’s blessing. Baji trusted Kazutora, and Chifuyu respected that, but no way in hell did he trust Kazutora himself. That would be going way too far.

“What do you want?” Chifuyu asked plainly once they were outside, the cold night air a refreshing replacement for the apartment’s stuffy atmosphere. “I don’t have anything to say to you.”

Kazutora frowned around the joint in his mouth, tilting his head as he exhaled a cloud of smoke out towards the city skyline beyond the balcony railing. He was taller than Chifuyu by a decent amount, and the way that his messy hair concealed his face really enhanced Chifuyu’s feeling of being preyed upon.

“Someone’s upset,” Kazutora replied, only mostly condescendingly, and although the look in his eyes was far from comprehensible, the way he narrowed them at Chifuyu was enough to send a shiver down the latter’s spine. “Do I need to remind you again that I was here first? You should really know your place by now.”

“You might’ve been here first, but I’ve been here longer,” Chifuyu hissed, and yeah, he was scared of Kazutora, but he was also incredibly stubborn when it came to his pride. “Maybe you should learn your place, yeah? I hate to break it to you, but the world did in fact continue turning while you were moping behind bars, and just because you fucked around for a bit as a kid doesn’t mean that you get to act like I’m the odd one out here.”

Kazutora didn’t respond at first, and the silence was deafening. Chifuyu wondered if he’d just royally fucked himself over, if Kazutora was going to shove him over the balcony railing and act like it had been an accident, or maybe beat him so bloody that he’d need stitches…

And then Kazutora burst out into dry laughter, leaning against the railing as if he needed it to stand. “Oh, Baji was so right, you’re adorable when you get upset,” he sighed once he was done with his borderline unsettling laughing fit, and he took a hit from his joint as if it were the air he needed to breathe.

To say that Chifuyu was confused would’ve been an understatement, but at the same time, Kazutora had always been this level of unreadable and unpredictable, and it seemed as if the only person that ever understood what was going on inside of that fucked up mind of his was - you guessed it - Baji. But Chifuyu was no Baji, and this was the first real conversation that he’d ever had with Kazutora at that.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Chifuyu said at last, having carefully considered his options for responding for what had probably been far too long.

Kazutora gestured towards the other boy with the joint, looking him square in the eyes; Chifuyu drew back just a little at that. “It’s always Chifuyu did this, Chifuyu did that, look at Chifuyu, isn’t he so cute,” Kazutora said, and this time there was a bit of edge rising in his voice, “and I’m sick of you, and I’m sick of your fucking puppy love. He only likes you because you run after him all the damn time, you know? You would do anything he asked of you, and that’s why he keeps you around. You’re not special. You’re just useful to him.”

If he were talking to anyone else, Chifuyu would’ve punched Kazutora’s lights out, but he held himself back because he knew that wasn’t what Baji wanted. Chifuyu shut his eyes for a moment to collect himself, to think back to everything his therapist had told him in order to help with anger management, to think about Baji, who was just behind the glass balcony door and would no doubt hear everything if a fight broke out. Then what would happen? Chifuyu knew how precious Kazutora was to him, even if he himself would never understand; hurting Kazutora would be like hurting Baji himself, and Chifuyu knew that he would never, ever do that.

“You,” Chifuyu spat, when he had calmed down just enough to keep his fists at his sides, “don’t know shit about what we have.”

Chifuyu felt his breath involuntarily hitch when Kazutora leaned in, and the latter clearly took notice of that, because he smirked, forcefully tipping Chifuyu’s chin upwards, his golden eyes boring holes through the other’s skull. “I’d say you’ve got it backwards,” Kazutora hummed, and when he breathed, Chifuyu felt it on his skin. “There is no one in this world that knows him better than I do, Chifuyu. You know that damn well, and I know you do. Learn. Your. Place.”

“I could say the same for you, asshole. If you’re so special, where were you when he was in the hospital because of what you did? You were in jail, that’s where, and I was with him.”

Kazutora smiled with an unsettling amount of enthusiasm, and when he pulled away to take another hit from his joint, he did so incredibly slowly, maintaining eye contact the entire time. “This has been enlightening,” he said, continuing to stare at Chifuyu as if the latter were an exhibit at the zoo. “Now I understand why he picked you as his pretty little boyfriend while I was away.”

There were multiple things that Chifuyu should’ve said about that statement and the way it had been delivered, but curse his mind, he completely short-circuited at the insinuation that he was dating Baji, and he zeroed in on the fact. “He’s not my boyfriend,” he replied at last, as much as the thought hurt his heart. “I’m not… Baji isn’t… we’re not serious.”

When Kazutora tilted his head, his earring jingled along like the bell on the collar of a cat. “I guess that’s good for me, then, but still. He talks about you like you are.” A loud sigh, and he finally turned away, freeing Chifuyu from the icy hold of his stare and instead directing it towards the view from the balcony. “I don’t like having to share, you know? I tell him to shut the hell up about you all the time, and he never does. He tells me he loves me, that he’s never gonna leave me, but he did. For you. I don’t like you, Chifuyu.”

“Yeah, well, the feeling’s mutual,” Chifuyu said, crossing his arms tight against his chest as if that’d keep his emotions in check. “You’re the one that gets to live with him, anyways, and I know you mess around like… like we do sometimes, and he’s so devoted to you it’s absolutely insane, so why the hell are you the one complaining?”

Kazutora dropped his head, sighing again before turning back towards Chifuyu with an arm outstretched. “Take it. I don’t wanna finish it.”

And Chifuyu accepted tentatively before realizing that Kazutora had given him his half-smoked joint, still just barely lit. “What the hell am I supposed to do with this?”

“Smoke it? Eat it? Toss it? I don’t give a shit. It’s not my weed, and it isn’t even that good.” Kazutora had turned away again, a lazy breeze swaying his earring like a windchime. “I didn’t even call you here because I wanted to argue, but you were pissed off before I even did anything…”

If Chifuyu had any balls, he would’ve said something about Kazutora inherently pissing him off with his existence alone, but instead he raised the joint to his mouth and inhaled - he hadn’t been too sure what he was expecting, and he was even less sure of what he had just put into his mouth, but Kazutora’s lips quirked upwards when Chifuyu coughed violently after the fact.

“You really haven’t smoked before, huh?” Kazutora said without looking over, and Chifuyu spitefully took another hit (much to the dismay of his lungs). “Take it easy. Don’t wanna have to break the news to Baji that you choked while I was supposed to watch you.”

“I don’t need to be babysat,” Chifuyu mumbled, and he mirrored Kazutora, resting his elbows on the balcony railing, albeit maintaining the much-needed distance between them. “If you didn’t wanna argue, why did you wanna talk to me?”

Kazutora was still smiling when he once again brought his owlish eyes up to meet Chifuyu’s own. “I just wanted to know why he likes you so much. The way he talks about you, you don’t sound at all like his type, and I thought that I’d be able to scare you away… but I get it now, I think.”

Another few hits in and Chifuyu was starting to understand the appeal of doing drugs, and perhaps why Baji had only started smoking again once Kazutora had been released, because dealing with him sober was impossible. At least, that’s how it felt to Chifuyu.

“What is there to get?” Chifuyu asked as he haphazardly ashed the joint against the railing, just as he had watched Kazutora do. “He likes me, and I like him. You don’t have to understand it.”

And Chifuyu could’ve sworn that Kazutora was inching closer, but it might’ve just been the high setting in. “We love each other, you know, and we already decided years ago that we’re gonna be going to hell together. He’s mine, and I’m his, and it’s been that way for longer than you’ve been in the picture, and yet you’re still here. I don’t care that he fucked around while he was waiting for me. What bothers me is that he kept you around, even when I came back.” Kazutora looked back out at the skyline, propping his head up with an arm as if he were deep in thought. “I understand it, because you’re a lot more like me than I’d like to admit.”

“You’ve been saying the same shit over and over. I knew that Baji was emotionally occupied before getting into this - hell, I literally met him while he was writing you a letter. If you can’t handle the fact that he has enough room in his heart for the both of us, maybe you should be the one fucking off, because I might not like you, but I can respect that Baji does.”

Kazutora’s eyes glowed in the soft night like the feral wildcat he was, and Chifuyu was his poor, clueless prey, about to be pounced on. “Big talk coming from Baji’s little bitch,” he purred, and Chifuyu only realized his sudden lack of impulse control when his fist was already flying towards Kazutora’s smug, teasing grin.

But he was able to dodge easily, and when Chifuyu stumbled forward, Kazutora grabbed the collar of his hoodie with a tight fist and pulled him closer.

“Don’t ever try that again,” Kazutora warned, quietly yet incredibly threateningly, and Chifuyu winced at the sensation of hot breath against his cheek. Chifuyu thought that Kazutora was almost pretty, in the way that the distant city light did him a favor in the gentle illumination of his features; his lips looked soft and Chifuyu wondered for an insane moment if he kissed like Baji did. Fuck, he was high, and it was messing with his brain. “Do you hear me?”

Kazutora’s voice abruptly and quite thankfully yanked Chifuyu back into the present moment. “Yeah, whatever.”

When Kazutora let go of Chifuyu, the lack of touch and the cold air that rushed in between them left the latter feeling a strange sort of lonely, for lack of a better word, and for a second, it seemed as if Kazutora felt it too. The moment died quickly, however, as Chifuyu’s joint burnt down to its bitter end, smoke scorching his throat as he inhaled for the last time, and fuck, he really wasn’t expecting it to get even more unpleasant than it had been, but just like always, he was wrong. Kazutora noticeably bit back a grin as Chifuyu coughed violently, seemingly enjoying the other’s incompetence when it came to smoking just a bit too much.

“Let’s go inside and get you some water,” said Kazutora with an air of finality, placing a bookend on their conversation, and before Chifuyu could bite back with something about not needing to be babysat again, the balcony door slid open, signaling Kazutora’s leave.

Kazutora was so fucking weird, Chifuyu thought, and even weirder than previously assumed, but he supposed that Kazutora’s unpredictable nature was what kept Baji on his toes. Chifuyu wondered idly as he trailed back inside why Baji liked him so much even when he was nothing like Kazutora.

Unfortunately, Chifuyu’s next meeting with Kazutora was the complete and utter result of chance.

He had been making his way back home after a painful day of classes when the all too familiar sound of a motorcycle approached him; it really could’ve been anyone, but of course the culprit just so happened to be the one person that Chifuyu didn’t exactly want to see.

“Hey, handsome,” said Kazutora in a tone that bordered on mocking, “want a ride?”

Chifuyu continued on walking, refusing to stop and give Kazutora what he wanted, but of course, the latter was obnoxiously stubborn, and it very quickly became hard to ignore the constant revving of his engine.

“No,” replied Chifuyu in a vain attempt to make the noise stop, for god’s sake, “fuck off.”

“That’s not very nice, you know.” Kazutora was beside him again, slowly rolling along in order to keep pace with Chifuyu. “Come on, we’re going to the same place anyways. Plus, I’m sure Baji would love to see you right now.”

Chifuyu didn’t care enough to ask what that last sentence meant, and he just barely cared enough to respond. “I’m good.”

Fate and the universe were cruel institutions, however, and it happened that right as he spoke, the heavy clouds hanging above them in the sky rumbled discontentedly; Kazutora looked smug, and Chifuyu almost considered punching him, but that would’ve left him without a ride, and as much as he really didn’t want to get on the back of that bike, it was hardly any better than walking the rest of the way home in the sudden downpour.

Kazutora’s lips quirked upwards into a menacing smile; it was taking everything Chifuyu had to keep his fists at his sides. “Are you sure you’re good?”

Chifuyu sighed, because he had to choose right then between wet socks and a ten minute bike ride with the most irritating person on the planet, and neither option seemed favorable; however, he really did want to be home right then, and only one of his two choices got him there quickly, and so he found himself swinging his leg over the seat behind Kazutora on the latter’s bike. “You take me straight home, got it? No detours or anything.”

And Chifuyu was really glad that he couldn’t see Kazutora’s face right then, because he wasn’t sure if he could hold himself back anymore. “Yeah, yeah,” said Kazutora in a way that made it sound like he hadn’t even heard what the other had said. “By the way, I recommend holding on.”

Chifuyu opened his mouth to retort, because he absolutely would never be caught dead with his arms around Kazutora, but the kickstand was up before Chifuyu even registered it and Kazutora pumped the accelerator entirely too enthusiastically; Chifuyu braced himself against the sting of the incoming rain, and he thought that Kazutora had to be driving like a maniac right then on purpose just to torment him.

“I haven’t been able to ride in years,” Kazutora commented idly as they sat at a stop light, “so if my driving’s bad, that’s why.”

“If your shitty driving makes me puke, it’s going all over you,” Chifuyu warned, and quite infuriatingly, he heard Kazutora laugh before the light turned green and they were shrouded in violent sheets of wind and rain once again. He was such an asshole, and he was totally doing it on purpose to force Chifuyu into submission, but quite unluckily for Kazutora, Chifuyu was known to be stubborn when it counted, and fueled mostly by spite then out of anything else, he was going to brute force his way through Kazutora’s bullshit.

“I thought I said no detours,” said Chifuyu when he noticed Kazutora pulling into the parking lot of a convenience store; Kazutora only snorted and turned off the bike’s engine, twirling the key around his finger tauntingly as he dismounted.

“I’ll only be a second, relax,” was Kazutora’s response. “Watch my bike, will you? If I come back and anything’s happened to it, you’re gonna make good friends with my fists.”

“Fuck you,” Chifuyu spat, but Kazutora had already disappeared into the store.

Kazutora had parked underneath the shop’s awning, but Chifuyu assumed that he had done so in order to preserve his precious motorcycle’s seats rather than to provide Chifuyu any semblance of comfort. It was a nice bike, to be completely fair, save for the revolting yellow finish, but Chifuyu supposed that it was in character; Kazutora already had those ugly yellow highlights in his hair, so maybe he’d had his bike painted to match.

Chifuyu really hated how much he was thinking about Kazutora, even if only to make fun of him. He hadn’t even given a shit about the other before that first conversation on Baji’s balcony, but now, it seemed as if he gave a little too much of a shit, and it was getting to his head. But that was what Kazutora wanted, for Chifuyu to go blind with rage and hatred, and Chifuyu hadn’t gone to therapy all those years while Kazutora had been locked up for nothing. He had learned not to hate Kazutora, but Kazutora made it so hard to hold onto that principle.

And despite all of that, though, Chifuyu didn’t hate Kazutora. He only strongly disliked him.

“I’m back!” Kazutora sang, and thankfully, that was enough for Chifuyu to prepare before a plastic grocery bag was tossed at his head. “Hold onto that for me, please?”

“Do I really have a choice?” Chifuyu sighed, and he dropped the bag into his lap as Kazutora got back onto the bike in front of him. It was heavy, he noted, and if it had really hit him in the head, he absolutely would’ve ended up on the ground with a pretty bad concussion, but of course Kazutora knew that and had thrown it at him on purpose. Taking a peek at the bag’s contents made the cause of its weight clear; Kazutora had bought a six-pack of beer, a tub of yakisoba, and… Jesus fucking Christ. “You’re being serious right now,” Chifuyu deadpanned, and Kazutora turned around confusedly before he caught sight of the pack of condoms that Chifuyu was holding up, and he grinned menacingly in response.

“You got something against safe sex?” Kazutora purred innocently, and surely now he was taking his time with turning on the bike as a torture mechanism. “We ran out, so I bought some more.”

Kazutora’s use of we sent Chifuyu diving headfirst into a violent wave of nausea - he didn’t need, and he certainly didn’t want, any context to go with it, because as much as the thought made him ill, he knew exactly what Kazutora was hinting at right then.

“That’s fucking gross,” Chifuyu mumbled, and he was sure that he was failing miserably at his attempt to seem unbothered. “You didn’t need to tell me that.”

“Well, you asked me why I bought condoms,” said Kazutora, and he finally, finally twisted the key in the ignition, “and I answered you. No one told you to look in the bag, you know.”

Except that Chifuyu knew that this was exactly the outcome that Kazutora had planned; he already knew what Baji and Kazutora did in their free time, really, but having confirmation of the thought served to him upfront was incredibly unsettling and sat uneasily in his stomach. He had been joking about puking before, but Chifuyu really reckoned right then that if Kazutora did so much as round a corner too sharply, Chifuyu’s lunch would end up all over his back.

It felt like an eternity had passed by the time that Kazutora finally geared into park outside of Chifuyu’s - outside of their - apartment block, and Chifuyu wasted no time whatsoever in getting the hell away from Kazutora.

“Not even gonna thank me for the ride?” Kazutora cooed, and Chifuyu only rolled his eyes. “You can join us, you know, I’m sure Baji would love that. I’m doing you so many favors right now, it’s crazy.”

Chifuyu didn’t turn around as he spoke what he hoped was his final sentence to Kazutora. “It’s too bad I don’t give a shit, huh?”

“Ouch,” said Kazutora, but Chifuyu ignored him as he scaled the stairs as quickly as he could before the former could catch up; it was weird, because even as Chifuyu unlocked his apartment door, he had been bubbling over with nothing but a sour mixture of anger and annoyance, but the moment he had half a mind to focus on himself he realized that he had been crying, his tears thankfully blending in with the rainwater that clung to his face and matted his hair onto his forehead.

“I’m home,” Chifuyu muttered, kicking off his damp shoes and shedding his even damper jacket; he had intended to go straight to the bathroom and nearly drown himself in a warm bath, but of course his mom had to interrupt his focused beeline the moment she noticed him back.

“Oh, Chifuyu, thank god you made it home okay,” she said, looking up from where she sat on the sofa with her nose in a book. “You're back before usual, aren’t you? I hope you didn’t leave class early trying to dodge the rain - you should’ve listened to me when I told you to bring an umbrella this morning…”

Chifuyu was trying his best to subtly inch towards the bathroom in an attempt to dodge conversation, but his mom was staring pointedly at him head-on, and he knew then that he’d only make it worse for himself if he didn’t tell the truth. “I got a ride home,” he replied, “from Baji’s friend.”

“Which one of his friends?” his mom asked, and Chifuyu sort of didn’t blame her for her accusatory tone - she liked Baji as much as a mom could like her son’s best-friend-almost-boyfriend, but he did still hang around with some weird people (case in point: Kazutora).

But thankfully, she didn’t know Kazutora, or at least not well enough that she would lecture Chifuyu again about getting on motorcycles with delinquents despite his semi-shameful past. “His roommate. We ran into each other and we were going the same way, so.”

“I didn’t know Keisuke had a roommate,” replied Chifuyu’s mom idly, and Chifuyu really wished that she would hurry up and get her interrogation over with, because he was kind of dripping all over the floor. “He hasn’t been around in a while. You should invite him over, and his roommate, too.”

Chifuyu gagged internally at the thought of his mom having to meet Kazutora. “Maybe. They’re both pretty busy.”

“If there’s something going on between you guys, you can tell me, you know,” was his mom’s response, and thankfully, she turned her attention back to her book without waiting for an answer from Chifuyu, and so he shuffled off to the bathroom in peace.

As Chifuyu ran his bath, he found that he didn’t actually know if there was something going on between him and Baji; it had been a while since they’d seen each other last, too, about since that first meeting with Kazutora, and sure, they texted every day, but it wasn’t the same. Bitterly, Chifuyu thought about how Kazutora was definitely upstairs with Baji right then doing whatever the hell it was they did.

He tested the water temperature, staring at his distorted reflection as his hand drew ripples across the surface of the tub; Chifuyu had already known that he was nothing special, but the realization that Kazutora was struck him square in his Achilles’ heel.

He hated himself, because he was so irrevocably and madly in love with Baji that the pain of staying would never surpass that of leaving, and he knew that Baji loved him too, perhaps just not as crazily. Chifuyu understood what Kazutora meant to Baji, and he understood the sort of love they shared, too, but vainly he wished that Baji would himself understand everything that Chifuyu had done for him and make up his mind for once.

The bath was a bit too hot, but Chifuyu couldn’t stand waiting anymore; the searing feeling on his skin stung, but he was so desperate for any outward sensation at all that he didn’t have half the mind to complain about it. No one had told him that jealousy felt so lonely, but really, he should’ve known.

Chifuyu certainly found it easy to forget about his woes when Baji was wrapped around him and kissing his neck.

“I’m sorry,” muttered Baji into Chifuyu’s skin, “that I haven’t seen you lately. I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too,” replied Chifuyu, and when Baji’s lips met his in an intoxicatingly gentle kiss he couldn’t help the smile that lit up his face. Chifuyu thought - he knew - that he would never be able to get over sharing moments like this with someone like Baji, because it really was just like something straight out of the shoujo manga stash he kept as a guilty pleasure. Chifuyu carded his fingers through Baji’s hair and kept him close by doing so, and the former kept his eyes closed but he knew that Baji shared his utterly infatuated grin. “And my mom did too, you know? I think she likes you more than she likes me.”

Their noses bumped one another and Chifuyu let himself indulgently giggle as Baji peppered the other’s flushed cheeks with kisses, a firm hand cupping Chifuyu’s jaw as reassurance that neither of them was going anywhere anytime soon. “It’s because I’m a good kid who has never once gotten into trouble in my whole life,” Baji said matter-of-factly against the corner of Chifuyu’s mouth, and before Chifuyu could scoff at the comment whatever space had remained between the two of them was promptly vanquished, his lips urged apart as Baji reeled him in for yet another kiss. Surely there was nothing in this world as genuine and whole as their mutual love; Chifuyu would gladly give anything and everything if it meant that moments like the one he lived in right then could happen for the remainder of time.

“Baji,” Chifuyu blurted out in between kisses, Baji humming quietly in acknowledgement, “I want to be your boyfriend.”

And Baji pulled back just enough to examine Chifuyu’s determined gaze while still sharing breaths; for a moment, Chifuyu was ready to brace himself against certain heartbreak, just like the last few times he had asked, but the crushing impact he had begun expecting never came.

“Alright,” said Baji, and he kissed the tip of Chifuyu’s nose with all the passion of a lover, “but don’t get it into your head that this’ll change anything with Kazutora. Okay?”

When Chifuyu reached to tuck a stray lock of hair behind Baji’s ear, he noticed a hickey hidden away just below the latter’s jaw; Chifuyu knew for a fact that it wasn’t his doing, and he knew for a fact whose it had been, but regardless of who Baji fucked around with, Chifuyu consoled himself with the thought that he was Baji’s only boyfriend.

Perhaps out of spite, Chifuyu pressed his mouth against Baji’s jaw opposite the offending mark, and although the latter was clearly somewhat taken by surprise he tilted his head to allow for more access. “I don’t care,” mumbled Chifuyu, though his present actions betrayed his attempted display of indifference. “I just wanna be with you.”

But Chifuyu couldn’t help but wonder, as Baji tightened his grip on the former’s arm, if Kazutora was privy to moments like these, too, and Chifuyu wondered if Baji looked at Kazutora with the same loving gaze he always displayed for Chifuyu. With a pang in his chest, Chifuyu felt a sense of loneliness creeping up behind him, and although he didn’t pull away from Baji, his sudden tenseness was noticeable, and so Baji pulled away instead.

“Are you okay?” asked Baji, gentle fingers brushing the other’s overgrown bangs out of his eyes, and Chifuyu couldn’t help but wonder if he did this with Kazutora, too. Chifuyu didn’t reply outright, but it was clear what his answer was from the start.

Baji leaned forward again, but instead of going for a kiss, he wrapped Chifuyu in a firm hug, cradling the back of the latter’s head with another arm snaked around his waist. “It doesn’t change anything,” Baji murmured, his lips brushing against the shell of Chifuyu’s ear. “I love you, Chifuyu.”

“But you love him too,” Chifuyu replied quietly, frozen in time where the two of them sat on his bed. He knew it would be selfish of him to ask otherwise, but he found it hard to blame himself for it regardless; the situation that had cropped up within Chifuyu’s relationships was nothing that he had ever thought he’d have to deal with before.

“The last time I asked you to be my boyfriend, you said you weren’t sure,” continued Chifuyu, “because of him. And I respected it and everything - I still do, I just…”

If forced to choose, Baji would always pick Kazutora, and Chifuyu knew that this was something that would never change. Over the years that Kazutora had been away, Chifuyu had tried his best to learn how to cope with the fact, but god damn it, it was so hard when Kazutora was such a dick to him. It was so hard knowing that he would always lose to Kazutora.

Chifuyu didn’t want to think about Kazutora anymore, let alone talk about him.

“But that doesn’t mean I love you any less,” Baji responded, his sharp eyes softening when Chifuyu pulled back to look into them. “I don’t think you’ll ever understand what I feel, Chifuyu, but just know I’ve never once lied to you when I told you that I love you. I really do want you - if you’ll have me, that is.”

“Of course I’ll fucking have you,” Chifuyu mumbled, because his heart ached in too many ways for him to make sense of, and the only thing keeping him grounded in the present moment was Baji. It was always Baji. Chifuyu loathed himself, because despite the other’s total inability to lend his heart to one person alone, Baji was always the light at the end of Chifuyu’s tunnel. “You’re stupid. I know what I got myself into.”

Baji’s smile was lopsided and when he leaned in again once more Chifuyu accepted his kiss with an embarrassing sort of desperation. “I think I am stupid, because I’m trusting you on that.”

The flush on Chifuyu’s cheeks returned to its dusty shade of admiration, and when Baji pushed him up against his headboard it was almost as if the conversation they’d just had had been a figment of his imagination, but of course, there was no such thing as running from problems that ran as deeply as Kazutora did.

“Oh, and by the way,” Baji said, interrupting the ebb and flow that was himself and Chifuyu, “I know you’re not gonna like this, but he wants to talk to you again.”

Chifuyu meant to internalize his distaste, but when he reflexively groaned out loud it gave him away. “You’re ruining the mood.”

Baji’s laugh was clear and true, and it was almost easy for Chifuyu to believe that he really was something special in that moment. “Sorry, sorry, I’m done with the serious talk. I’ve been waiting so long to be alone with you again, and all I can do is spew dumb shit…”

“It’s not dumb shit,” replied Chifuyu, “but it can wait until later. I just wanna be selfish with you for a little bit.”

As Baji slid his hands underneath Chifuyu’s shirt and undid the button on his pants, the latter couldn’t help but wonder what Kazutora was like in these situations, and stupidly, he almost asked. Why was it that even when Baji was shirtless in front of him, Chifuyu was still preoccupied with thoughts of Kazutora? It was gross, was what it was, and when Chifuyu’s hand met the patch of raised skin that ran across Baji’s bare lower back he couldn’t help but hopelessly wish for the sort of love that Baji and Kazutora had for one another. Even when Chifuyu had the world in his hands, he couldn’t rid himself of the curse that had been cast upon him.

Maybe actually talking to Kazutora would give Chifuyu some solace, as much as the idea of doing so made him grimace internally. Maybe Kazutora would stop being such an asshole, and maybe Chifuyu would finally find peace and confidence in his own relationship with Baji. Maybe Kazutora would become a friend, Chifuyu almost thought, but that seemed incredibly farfetched.

“Baji,” said Chifuyu so quietly he bordered on a whisper, but Baji was so close to him that Chifuyu could simply think and his words would be clearly received by the other.

Baji looked down at Chifuyu with careful eyes, and he trailed his hand upwards to cup the latter’s jaw, caressing his cheek so gently that Chifuyu could very nearly melt into the touch. “Chifuyu,” replied Baji, and when he spoke, his voice was low and husky and it sent a shiver straight down Chifuyu’s back.

“Promise you won’t leave me,” Chifuyu breathed, hot and flustered and all too caught up in the present moment. Surely, this was nirvana; surely, as Chifuyu gasped against Baji’s parted lips, he was quickly approaching revelation, and surely, this had to be something meant only for Chifuyu.

Baji’s unending devotion was something impossible to match, and it felt like wishful thinking, asking for him to hand a piece of his heart over to Chifuyu for safekeeping. But somehow, unlike the years of loving that had led up to that moment, Baji seemed sure of himself, cleared of his usual hesitation when it came to the idea of a commitment, and though Chifuyu could only guess what had changed in that time he couldn’t bring himself to care about the unusual nature of the situation. Maybe it was Chifuyu’s turn, now; maybe it was his turn to be the object of someone’s burning desire.

“I promise,” replied Baji, and maybe it was just the usual tension in the air when it came to foreplay, but Chifuyu felt in that moment that maybe he really did have a fighting chance in Baji’s heart. He truly didn’t give a shit about anything other than loving Baji, no matter how badly it hurt sometimes, because Chifuyu knew then that whatever pain was inflicted on him would always be worth it.

It was a meaningless promise, really, and they both knew as much, because when Kazutora was in the picture anything was anybody’s best guess, but Baji sounded genuine and Chifuyu knew that the other wouldn’t lie, especially not to him, and so upon Baji’s spoken vow, Chifuyu thought that there had never been a moment in his life where he had been happier.

Despite all of this, though, Kazutora still lingered at the back of Chifuyu’s mind like a vengeful spirit, and even when Baji was making love to him, Chifuyu wondered what exactly it was that Kazutora wanted to talk to him about, and surely, that couldn’t mean anything good.

Kazutora had to have been fucking insane, because Chifuyu hadn’t even told him which apartment he lived in, and yet there he was in all of his insanity, knocking on Chifuyu’s window.

“Can I come in?” Kazutora called, his voice muffled through the glass, and Chifuyu found himself completely incapable of doing anything but gape at the gall of the other to show up outside of his room completely unprompted.

“Hell no,” Chifuyu replied, incapable of totally comprehending just what was going on in the present moment, but Kazutora must’ve either not heard him or was pretending not to have, because he began banging on the window.

Perhaps it had all been a ploy to get Chifuyu to open the window, because it had certainly worked; his mom was asleep in the other room, and the walls weren’t exactly soundproof. “What the fuck are you doing?” Chifuyu hissed, but Kazutora seemed to have taken it as an invitation to come in, the latter smoothly slipping past Chifuyu and landing on his feet like a housecat would.

“I’m bored,” said Kazutora, and he was wearing shoes, for fuck’s sake, but he didn’t seem to care; the blatant lack of respect for Chifuyu and his home was infuriating to say the absolute least, and the only thing stopping Chifuyu from knocking Kazutora’s teeth out was his own respect for his mom and her sleep schedule. “Wanna smoke?”

“You are not smoking in my room,” Chifuyu deadpanned, and Kazutora rolled his eyes dramatically. “How did you even get to my window? How did you know where I live?”

Kazutora smiled cockily, clearly finding some sort of joy in Chifuyu’s distress. “My information doesn’t come for free,” he purred, leaning against the wall and pulling a joint out of his pocket, rolling it teasingly between his fingers. “Do you want some or not?”

“You’re not smoking in my room,” repeated Chifuyu, and when he crossed his arms he thought that his mom would be proud of his outstanding level of discipline right then. “And I have a door, you know? You didn’t have to climb up to my window like a fucking freak.”

Sighing dramatically, Kazutora shoved the window open the rest of the way and rested his elbows on its ledge, his head in his hands. “We can smoke out the window, then, if you’re that bothered about it,” he said, and against his own better judgement, Chifuyu hesitantly occupied the spot next to the other. Although Chifuyu refused to look at Kazutora, the latter’s smirk as he lit the joint was unmissable.

Chifuyu had to take a few hits before he could start willingly talking, and maybe that was why he had taken up Kazutora’s offer to do drugs at ass o’clock in the morning - just to make everything a little more tolerable. This was a dangerous line of thinking he was following, but Chifuyu realized that he didn’t care, so long as he had to deal with Kazutora.

“Why are you here?” said Chifuyu at last, and in the faint glow of the distant city lights, Kazutora’s eyes lit up fiendishly.

“Is it a crime to visit a friend?” was Kazutora’s response, and when he exhaled smoke he did so audibly. “I told you, I’m bored.”

“We are not friends.” The high setting in was, thankfully or not, enough to suppress Chifuyu’s violent urges.

Kazutora pursed his lips. “Do you want to be?”

“Not really.”

“Good. Me neither.”

Chifuyu wanted to ask something along the lines of then why the hell are you in my room, especially at this hour, but he supposed that the same went for him in terms of his easy agreement to stand at the window and smoke with Kazutora. Somehow, this felt different from the time they had spent together on Baji’s balcony; somehow, something had changed, but Chifuyu would be damned before he knew what it was.

The hits that Kazutora took were long and slow and thoughtful, and Chifuyu felt as if he were seeing a different side of the other right then; Kazutora seemed mellower, despite his method of gaining entry into Chifuyu’s room, and somehow, he seemed different.

“Congrats on finally making it official,” Kazutora offered after the silence grew too heavy. “Baji told me. He seemed really happy, but he always does after he spends time with you.”

It was Chifuyu’s turn, and the joint was nearing its end; the smoke he drew into his mouth burned his throat, but he swallowed the discomfort and went for a second before passing it back to Kazutora. “Yeah,” said Chifuyu, “we had sex.”

Kazutora shrugged, and his fingers clumsily brushed against Chifuyu’s as he took the joint. “So did we. Isn’t that kinda fucked up? He gets both of us, and we only get half of him.”

“I don’t really care about that anymore,” Chifuyu replied, though it was mostly a lie. “As long as he’s still my boyfriend. He can do what he wants, and I knew that he would when I started seeing him.”

“I realized,” started Kazutora, ashing the joint against the windowsill, “that I don’t hate you. I just get lonely.”

“Congratulations on your discovery,” Chifuyu said, and even when he made sure to sound as sarcastic and apathetic as he could, Kazutora still smiled at him, albeit… a little sadly. “I don’t hate you, either, if that means anything to you. You just piss me off.”

The joint was finished, and Kazutora stuffed its remains back in his pocket. Was that really okay? Probably not, but once again, Chifuyu found himself unable to care. Kazutora had thankfully slid out of his shoes at some point, and when he sat down on Chifuyu’s bed, he looked expectantly at the other, waiting for him to follow, and Chifuyu was so fucking high by then that he willingly did.

“Well, if we don’t hate each other,” said Kazutora, and he really was weirdly close to Chifuyu, but in all honesty, the body heat was comforting. “Why the hell can’t we like each other?”

That was comical to Chifuyu, and Kazutora’s bewilderment when the other stifled a laugh only made it worse. “Because you’re a fucking asshole?” Chifuyu suggested.

“Only because I don’t really know how to deal with… things,” Kazutora muttered, suddenly shy, and Chifuyu furrowed his eyebrows. “I used to want you out of my life, but I’m not sure anymore.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

Kazutora blinked owlishly. “I don’t know.”

“See? You piss me off,” Chifuyu replied, and when he looked over at Kazutora the latter seemed to get smaller. That was new, but Chifuyu enjoyed his own sudden dominance over the conversation too much to pay it any heed. “You make me run in circles and shit, and it’s frustrating. Everything you do is fucking annoying.”

And Kazutora fell silent for a moment, his knees pulled to his chest, before he spoke up again. “I think I’m just lonely.”

“Yeah? Me too. Big deal.” But a part of Chifuyu, though reluctant in his admission, thought that maybe Kazutora wasn’t as outlandishly different as he had always seemed. Maybe it was because they were both high - it was definitely because they were both high.

“I got into an argument with Baji,” said Kazutora. “About our relationship. And it fucking sucks, you know, because I’m so in love with him that it drives me crazy, but he’s so obsessed with you it hurts. This shit doesn’t usually bother me, either, but I… I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m doing here anymore. Do you ever feel like that?”

And Kazutora was always so closed off - even then, his mind seemed impossible to breach - but even Chifuyu, in his inebriated state, knew that this wasn’t something that would usually be said freely. Weren’t they supposed to be rivals or something? Why would Kazutora so willingly talk about himself like that?

“Yeah,” replied Chifuyu, because he felt like he had to give something in return. “All the time.”

“Chifuyu,” said Kazutora, “I’m sorry that I’ve been such a dick.”

Chifuyu couldn’t quite suppress his laughter that time around, and beside him he felt Kazutora shrink a little bit more. “You’re kidding, right? You’re just saying that because you’re high.”

The light cast from the open window danced in soft rays on the bedroom floor, and although Chifuyu found himself entranced, it wasn’t enough to take his focus off of how Kazutora shifted next to him; the latter was uncharacteristically uncertain, that much was clear, and Chifuyu idly wondered whether it was the night or the drugs or simply his presence that had brought this on.

“Yeah, maybe,” muttered Kazutora. “You don’t have to believe me. I just wanted to say sorry.”

Was this what Baji had said Kazutora wanted to talk about? Chifuyu found it hard to believe that it was the case, but he likewise found it hard to reason what the hell else it might’ve been. “So Baji’s upset with you or whatever,” Chifuyu recounted, the ghost of his laugh still haunting his demeanor, “and you don’t have anywhere else to stay tonight, so you came to me. I’m surprised your pride didn’t get in the way.”

“Why else do you think I brought weed?” Kazutora retorted, and when Chifuyu finally remembered to glance over at him, the former was staring at the shadows on the floor. “And you’re welcome, by the way, for letting you have some.”

Chifuyu scoffed. “I didn’t ask you to share.”

“Whatever. Next time, I’m bringing vodka.”

“And what makes you think there’ll be a next time?” Chifuyu furrowed his eyebrows more out of confusion than anything else, and Kazutora only shrugged before he slid down the headboard and lay down.

Kazutora shushed him, though, and his smile was faint but Chifuyu caught it anyways. “Shut up. I’m gonna sleep.”

“On my bed?” Chifuyu sputtered, and Kazutora looked up at him with a gaze full of feigned innocence. “Where am I supposed to go?”

“Don’t act like you don’t wanna cuddle,” replied Kazutora, and in response Chifuyu scowled, eliciting a quiet laugh from the other. “Baji tells me you’re a great little spoon, you know.”

The thought of cuddling with Kazutora made Chifuyu red in the face, and he hoped that it was too dark in the room to be visible. “Why do you even know that?”

“I asked him,” Kazutora said all too nonchalantly, like it was a normal thing. “He tells me everything, you know. I’m like, so how big is Chifuyu’s dick? And he’s like-“

“Shut the hell up,” Chifuyu mumbled, and he lay down, not quite remembering that he wasn’t the only one on the bed but being far too high to do anything about it once he felt Kazutora’s shoulder brush against his. “He did not tell you that.”

“Okay, fine, he didn’t,” sighed Kazutora. “Doesn’t mean I don’t want to know, though.”

It seemed that Kazutora was back to normal and that he had gotten all of his weird shyness out of his system, so Chifuyu, perhaps foolishly, decided to shrug off everything that had just happened and save himself the time he would’ve spent overthinking it all. “No. Not a chance,” Chifuyu replied, and Kazutora rolled over, a little bit too close for comfort when he faced Chifuyu.

“Aw, come on,” Kazutora teased; Chifuyu fixed his gaze on the ceiling and refused to spare the other a moment of his attention. “I wanna know what Baji’s so excited about.”

“I’m not your rebound,” said Chifuyu, relatively abruptly, and he knew Kazutora had paused beside him. “You’re just trying to get back at Baji, right? I don’t wanna be part of that.”

“I didn’t say that,” Kazutora replied slowly, but what else could it have been? “If anything, you know, you’re Baji’s rebound, ‘cause he-“

It had been so easy for Chifuyu to believe that he was Baji’s everything when they were alone together, because that was how he felt in those moments. It had been so easy to love Baji with all of his heart and to receive the same in return, but he supposed that Kazutora served as a reminder of reality: Chifuyu would never have Baji’s full heart, and to be fair, neither would Kazutora, but having to share with someone so undesirable was a little like a punch in the gut. Chifuyu loved Baji, and he thought that he would even after his dying breath, and Baji loved him too; he had promised - they had promised - one another, and Baji would be damned before breaking a promise.

“Shut up,” interjected Chifuyu, before Kazutora’s bullshit could take hold on his mind. “At least I’ve accepted that he can love the both of us, even if it hurts sometimes knowing how much he loves you, but he loves me, and that’s the only thing that matters.”

Kazutora was quiet for a moment, perhaps not expecting Chifuyu to fight back so willingly, and he rolled back over so that he was facing the ceiling once more. “I’ve accepted it,” was Kazutora’s eventual response, “I’m just trying to make sense of it.”

“You make no fucking sense,” Chifuyu retorted, though somehow, he felt unable to be annoyed. Somehow, he understood; somehow, Kazutora wasn’t such a stranger, after all. Their energy weirdly matched one another’s, and it should’ve been off-putting, but to Chifuyu, it was almost comforting. How many times would he have that thought about Kazutora? He needed to leave Chifuyu’s head, and he needed to do it now. “Go to sleep. I can’t do this right now.”

Kazutora stretched and folded his arms behind his head as if he were lounging on the beach. “So I am allowed to sleep on your bed. Goodnight, then.”

“I didn’t,” started Chifuyu, but Kazutora had closed his eyes, and the former begrudgingly accepted it as a lost cause. Fine. It was weird, but things always could’ve been weirder. Chifuyu rolled over onto his side with his back to Kazutora, feigning some distance between the two of them, and indignantly, he closed his eyes as well. “Never mind. Goodnight.”

Chifuyu could’ve sworn that, in his sleep, he had felt an almost unfamiliar presence held warm against his back and around his chest, but when he dreamt, it was vivid, so there was really no way to tell. When he woke up in the morning, though, he was alone in the bed, and were it not for the window remaining just a tiny bit open Chifuyu might’ve convinced himself that the previous night had all been in his head. Was it weird that he felt lonely, when he sat up in bed and the other half of his mattress was cold? A pang of jealousy sounded through his chest when he remembered that Kazutora seldom woke up alone in the mornings like Chifuyu usually did, and certainly not for the first time, Chifuyu couldn’t quite tell apart the sorts of things he was feeling right then.

If there was one thing that he did know, it was that he was so fucked.

Chifuyu’s mom was a bit too excited when her son let her know that he would be staying the night at Baji’s and that if she needed anything, she could just call. Even though Baji had been over just a couple of days prior, Chifuyu’s mom hadn’t been home, and even then, Baji had hurried out with profuse apologies right after they had sex, claiming that he had to be at work soon. Even in Chifuyu’s own eyes, he had grown lonely and reclusive, and so he didn’t exactly blame his mother for her enthusiasm when he finally made the stride to go spend time with Baji.

Being lonely was a loaded game, though, and when Baji had texted him to come over and have some fun, there had been no added promise that Chifuyu’s isolationism would be put to an end. Kazutora would be there, anyway. Baji had reassured him over and over that it would be fine and that he would make sure they got along, but Chifuyu couldn’t quite shake the feeling that this was all Kazutora’s idea, and that it was all a ploy to drive Chifuyu into a corner and force him into resignation.

Why was he dragging his feet up the stairs to Baji’s apartment, then? Chifuyu couldn’t answer that question himself. He knew that Baji and Kazutora had been fighting over something - he had testimonials from the both of them to back that up - so it was strange that they were both seemingly back to normal and willing to spend time with Chifuyu. But Chifuyu had no clue just how the dynamic in between the other two functioned; maybe he was getting dragged square into the eye of the storm. Even as Chifuyu rang Baji’s doorbell, he had no idea why he hadn’t just said no.

“You’re here,” said Baji with a warm smile as he opened the door, and before Chifuyu could even step into the apartment he was swept into a kiss; this was the first red flag, but Chifuyu was too obsessed with the attention to turn away. Baji was clearly already a couple of drinks in - his breath smelled only faintly like alcohol - and when he pulled away, Chifuyu felt dizzy. “Sorry, we started without you. Tora got impatient.”

“Am I late?” Chifuyu asked, and when he scanned the living room, Kazutora was nowhere to be seen; he wasn’t sure if that was reassuring or unsettling. “You said nine, right?”

Baji shrugged, and as Chifuyu followed him further into the apartment, the former replied quietly, “he’s afraid to talk to you while sober.”

Before Chifuyu could ask for an explanation, Baji led him into the kitchen, and there loitered Kazutora, leaning against the countertop with a beer can in hand and a cigarette balancing between his lips. “There you are,” said Kazutora upon noticing the pair’s entry, and he took a final deep drag from his cigarette before whisking it out of his mouth and stubbing it out in the kitchen sink. “I brought some vodka, just like I promised. Remember?”

“What the hell do you mean? You gotta relax with the beer, Tora, we still have to catch up,” Baji replied teasingly, and Chifuyu didn’t miss the glow of affection in the former’s eyes as he looked over at Kazutora. It was clear that Baji was unaware of the events that had occurred that one night Kazutora had climbed in through Chifuyu’s window, and for what reason Chifuyu couldn’t quite place; he couldn’t think of any reason why that encounter should be kept secret, but he kept his mouth shut nonetheless.

Kazutora’s lips drew downward into a playful pout, and he pushed himself off of the counter dramatically, pressing his beer can into Baji’s chest. “If you insist,” he sighed, and Chifuyu could sense the tension in the air, drawn taut like a string, resulting immediately after. This felt like something too intimate for Chifuyu to be privy to, but he reasoned that this was perhaps Kazutora’s goal, and so he didn’t waver.

“I do,” replied Baji, but his tone was flat, and he took the can from Kazutora, pouring its contents over the dead cigarette in the sink. This wasn’t the response that Chifuyu had expected Baji to have to such an obviously flirtatious mood on Kazutora’s part; he had been brimming with affection just moments prior, and Chifuyu couldn’t grasp just what it was that had changed. Even with the change in atmosphere, he didn’t belong; he didn’t want to see what Kazutora and Baji did in their alone time, and erotic or not it felt as if that was what was going on in the present moment. But it was like a switch had flipped, as Baji turned back to Chifuyu with the same warmth he always had when they were together, but it left Chifuyu feeling oddly cold. “Wanna take some shots? We gotta catch up with that dumbass somehow.”

Chifuyu couldn’t read the situation, but he reasoned that it would be easier to deal with while violently drunk, so he agreed to Baji’s proposal and stood by as the mentioned pulled a pair of shot glasses from a cabinet and set them down next to the promised bottle of vodka resting on the counter opposite Kazutora. This was kind of sad, taking shots in an atmosphere so dense, but Chifuyu found it hard to care when the alcohol gathered in a warm pool in his gut. That seemed to be a recurring theme lately: inability to care.

The room seemed brighter after his second one down, and maybe it was due to the rosy glow starting to dust Baji’s cheeks; Chifuyu helped himself to a beer, and though he tried his best to ignore it, he couldn’t shake Kazutora’s sharp gaze watching him, watching Baji, watching them laugh together as if there was no one else in the room with them.

What was this, then? Was Baji trying to spite Kazutora? Maybe their argument wasn’t quite over yet, and Baji inviting Chifuyu over was a form of revenge. If that was the case, though, then why did Baji still look at Kazutora so lovingly, and why did his fingers remain so determinedly on Kazutora’s own as a shot glass exchanged hands? None of this made sense to Chifuyu, and he doubted that it would even by the end of the night.

Once the world started spinning, Chifuyu laid his head in Baji’s lap as they sat down together on the couch. He could do a couple more shots, he reckoned, but his drunken giggle when Baji carded his hand through the other’s hair promptly betrayed him.

“I love you,” said Chifuyu, idly playing with the hem of Baji’s t-shirt as he searched the other’s deep copper eyes for something in response. “I love you so much.”

Baji had a beer in hand, far more capable of handling alcohol than Chifuyu evidently was, and he smiled softly back at the other. “You’re so drunk. I love you, too, but you gotta let me up. I have to piss.”

“Fine,” huffed Chifuyu, but he stumbled back down again upon his attempt to hoist himself up; Baji helped him gently and kissed him on the forehead as a promise of his return. The living room tilted on some invisible axis with the change in orientation, and Chifuyu gripped his head in an attempt to steady himself.

The condensation on the outside of a glass of water nudged Chifuyu’s hand, and he looked down confusedly. Chifuyu hadn’t been paying attention to Kazutora’s whereabouts, having been so caught up with Baji that he had grown blind to the rest of the world around him, so it came as a bit of a surprise when Chifuyu found Kazutora just at his side, sitting on the floor with his arms crossed atop the couch and with the aforementioned glass of water in his hand.

“Thank you,” Chifuyu mumbled, and he took a long sip of the water; when he was done, he handed it back, but his hands were shaky and it wasn’t like Kazutora was any less out of it, and so the remainder of the water ended up soaking into the couch between the two of them. “Fuck.”

Kazutora’s eyes glowed when he grinned in a way that Chifuyu had never seen before, and when he laughed at the latter’s misfortune, his voice rang out and strung a noose around Chifuyu’s heart. “It’s okay,” said Kazutora once he was done laughing, and he crawled up onto the couch where Baji had sat just moments before. “That’s Baji’s problem now, right?”

Chifuyu blinked slowly. “You’re not blaming me?”

“It’s just water. Who gives a shit?” Kazutora’s smile was infectious, and Chifuyu found himself laughing along; it was almost like they were friends, and for a moment, Chifuyu wished they could be. “Wanna take another shot with me? Or are you too much of a pussy?”

“Hit me,” Chifuyu demanded, and when Kazutora nudged his shoulder it was playful and void of any hostility. “I can take more. I’m so good at being drunk, you know?”

Kazutora handed Chifuyu a full shot glass. “Okay, then show me.”

One, two, three, and then another round was down. Kazutora seemed energized; he slammed his glass back down where it had been on the table beside the couch, and when he exchanged gazes with Chifuyu, he seemed determined.

But Chifuyu couldn’t really tell in his own right, and he bent over giggling as if he had been told the joke of the century. “See? I told you. I’m not a pussy.”

“Are you sure?” said Kazutora, and he slid an assertive finger under Chifuyu’s chin and tilted his head upwards. Chifuyu continued giggling, though, far too lost in his own intoxication; he leaned into Kazutora’s touch, smile not faltering even when Kazutora was manhandling his jaw and holding him close. “I’m not convinced.”

“How can I convince you, then?” asked Chifuyu, leaning forward only half out of disorientation, unsure if Kazutora was really that close or if he was just too drunk to see things straight. Kazutora’s thumb was on Chifuyu’s bottom lip, holding his mouth open, and through half-lidded eyes Chifuyu only caught a glimpse of hesitation echoing throughout Kazutora.

But there was no delay, or at least, there hadn’t seemed to be, between Kazutora replying with something Chifuyu couldn’t quite hear over the blood roaring in his ears and their lips evenly slotting together. It wasn’t like kissing Baji, but Chifuyu would’ve been lying if he said he didn’t enjoy it. Kazutora’s tongue moved expertly against his, and Chifuyu found himself chasing the sensation, leaning in further until Kazutora was back against the couch’s armrest; there were hands on his back and on his thighs as Chifuyu somehow slid into Kazutora’s lap, and when a pair of lips trailed down his chin and then his neck, Chifuyu closed his eyes and smiled as he let it happen. This wasn’t like Baji at all - it was so different that Chifuyu couldn’t even pretend that it was, but in that moment it didn’t seem to matter. He didn’t care that it was Kazutora he was making out with, and he didn’t care that it was Kazutora’s hand snaking up his shirt and tracing his shoulder blades; the only thing that mattered was that Kazutora knew just how to handle him, and that it felt good.

A new hand clamped onto Chifuyu’s shoulder, and he dazedly pulled out of Kazutora’s embrace to examine where it had come from. Baji had made his return, and he was standing behind the couch, gazing down at Chifuyu.

“Fuck off, Baji,” Kazutora groaned, and he pulled at Chifuyu’s shirt in an attempted to bring him back, but to no avail. “Before you ask, I didn’t do shit to him, okay?”

“Kazutora,” replied Baji slowly, or maybe time was just being warped. “We talked about this.”

Kazutora furrowed his eyebrows, but it was clear that his confusion was feigned. “Talked about what?”

“Baji, I’m sorry,” Chifuyu cut in, mindlessly hoping to ease the tension that had returned between the three of them. “But he didn’t force me, okay?”

Chifuyu didn’t feel quite as drunk as he had just moments before, which sucked, because he would rather not deal with Baji and Kazutora arguing while sober. He pushed himself off of Kazutora’s lap, and though he ended up on the water spill he elected not to say anything about it. Baji had let go of his shoulder, and Chifuyu was left feeling painstakingly alone, though that wasn’t anything new to him.

“I don’t want you fucking around and hurting him,” Baji hissed from between his teeth, and Kazutora looked up at him with a gaze brimming with pure annoyance.

“Who said I’m gonna hurt him?” Kazutora snapped, fixing his hair, and he shakily managed to stand. “Why are you making that assumption?”

Baji crossed his arms, and truly, Chifuyu felt tiny. “What the hell? You don’t even respect him, and you’ve made that abundantly clear with me. Why wouldn’t I make that assumption?”

Kazutora opened his mouth, then closed it, and then repeated that cycle for what felt like eternity before he turned around and wordlessly made his way to the entryway, where he slid on a pair of shoes and slammed the door behind him as he left. The room grew quiet and the air cold, and Chifuyu remembered the damp spot he was sitting on.

“I spilled water,” he said quietly. “I’m sorry.”

Baji remained transfixed on the door for a few moments before finally snapping back into reality and relaxing his arms, returning to Chifuyu’s side. “It’s okay,” said Baji, quiet and gentle, and the change in tone nearly gave Chifuyu whiplash. “I’m sorry. For what just happened. I thought we were okay again.”

Chifuyu wished that he could reign triumphant over Kazutora, but the slam of the door still echoed through his mind, and the noose around his heart tightened. “Aren’t you gonna follow him?”

“He can find his way back home,” Baji sighed, and he ran his hands through his hair. He hadn’t been very drunk before, but he certainly wasn’t at all right then; Chifuyu was starting to feel the same effects of sobriety. “I’m sorry. I love you - I love him. I don’t want either of you getting hurt. He just needs to clear his head and sober up. I don’t like being mad at him.”

Baji sat down in Kazutora’s former spot and Chifuyu moved closer, leaning into the other’s shoulder. It was too quiet, and Kazutora’s shot glass lay sideways on the side table. Kazutora had always been aggressive around Chifuyu, and they had established a general dislike for one another, but even still, Chifuyu hadn’t felt coerced into kissing him, and weirdly enough, he didn’t even regret it. He could still feel the ghost of Kazutora’s lips against his; Baji had said Kazutora was afraid to talk while sober, but maybe he hadn’t quite known what the latter’s definition of “talking” really was. Kazutora’s desperation had felt genuine, and Chifuyu wanted to know why.

“What did you talk about?” Chifuyu asked after a while, breaking the uneasy silence, and Baji exhaled heavily beside him. “You told him you ‘talked about it.’ What does that mean?”

“It’s kinda complicated,” said Baji, “since we’re both complicated people and all, but basically, he promised me that he wouldn’t use you or hurt you or anything like that. He’s never been too bothered about exclusivity before, either, but he’s been weird about it ever since he got released, like he didn’t tell me outright that it would be okay for me to see other people as long as I always came back to him. Which I did! And I do. He even told me that he wouldn’t care if I started dating you officially, under the same circumstances.”

“He said that,” replied Chifuyu quietly, “but I think that he’s just having trouble sorting out his emotions. I don’t think he was trying to hurt me, Baji.”

When Baji spoke again, he sounded genuinely troubled. “Then what was he doing?”

Chifuyu shrugged, nestling further into Baji’s chest and wrapping an arm around the other’s waist, perhaps afraid that if he didn’t do so, Baji would be out the door just as quickly as Kazutora had been. “I don’t know. He was really drunk, you know, and so was I… I still am, kinda.”

“Why did you let him?”

“I’m drunk, Baji,” repeated Chifuyu slowly, though he himself wasn’t even entirely sure that this was the reason why. He didn’t even know if he knew why. “I’m sorry. I’d be better at this conversation if I was sober. Everything’s still a little wobbly.”

And Baji finally enclosed Chifuyu into the embrace he had been longing for; Baji was hesitant, but he still held Chifuyu firmly as if asserting that nothing would change between them. “Do you still want to stay over?” Baji asked after a while, the vibrations of his voice sounding where his chin rested on Chifuyu’s head. “It’s okay if you don’t. I can walk you back downstairs.”

“My mom will be pissed if I come home early,” Chifuyu mumbled, and Baji caressed the nape of his neck carefully. “She was so excited to hear that I’m finally hanging out with you again.”

Baji chuckled quietly and pulled his arms tighter around Chifuyu; he was strong, but he always knew his limits with Chifuyu. “So that’s a yes - what the hell? Why is the cushion behind you wet?”

Chifuyu let his eyes close as he laughed, the gentle rise and fall of Baji’s chest where he had rested his head bringing him a moment of solace. “I told you, I spilled water,” he replied, dizzy even behind his eyelids, but he knew he wouldn’t fall when he was tucked so neatly between Baji’s arms. “Sorry.”

Sighing, Baji mumbled something about it being okay in the morning, but Chifuyu couldn’t quite remember what had been said. Would it really be okay in the morning? Would Kazutora be okay? Chifuyu wasn’t sure why he cared - perhaps it was for Baji’s sake - but from the back of his mind he really hoped that Kazutora would come home and that he and Baji would talk it out. The concept of Baji without Kazutora was weird, even to Chifuyu, who had been around when the latter of the two had been locked up; Chifuyu found himself worried, and somehow, he found it harder to justify his vehement dislike of Baji’s other lover.

Chifuyu had woken up alone in Baji’s bed the following morning with a text message from the mentioned apologizing for leaving so quickly; he had to work, Chifuyu understood, but he wished that Baji had woken him up beforehand to bid his farewells.

The apartment was dead quiet, and when Chifuyu mustered the courage to sneak out into the living room, he found it empty, left in the state it had been in the night before. Neither Baji nor Kazutora had half the mind to properly clean, and so Chifuyu decided to help them out a little bit and take care of last night’s clutter.

The kitchen was similarly empty, and so was the bathroom, when Chifuyu quickly freshened up once he was done tidying. Kazutora hadn’t come home, it seemed, and Chifuyu felt bad poking around Baji’s apartment but a look into the spare room and a glance onto the balcony further confirmed Kazutora’s absence. Where had he stayed the night, then? Where was he now? Chifuyu almost texted Baji to ask before deciding to save the latter the emotional stress, just in case he also wasn’t sure. It wasn’t Chifuyu’s place to be worried, anyways. Like Baji had said, Kazutora would find his way home.

Chifuyu locked the door with the spare key Baji had entrusted him with when he made his way back downstairs. He wasn’t as hungover as he had thought he would be, though he wasn’t surprised, given how quickly he had sobered up. As appeared to be a common theme the longer that Chifuyu hung around Kazutora, the previous night hadn’t felt real in the slightest. He barely even remembered anything that had occurred before Kazutora had walked out without saying a word.

Except… it was vague, but it loomed at the back of Chifuyu’s mind, almost like it had come from a dream of his. He might’ve been convinced of it, too, if none of the fallout had occurred. No matter how desperately Chifuyu tried to shake the memory, he could still feel what it was like to have Kazutora’s mouth pressed up against his own and against his neck and agile hands, with a different touch than Baji, held firmly against his back and underneath his shirt. Once he remembered, Chifuyu couldn’t bring himself to forget; as he lay in bed the following night, back under his own covers with his cat curled up at his side, he wondered what would’ve happened had Baji not walked in, or had Baji not taken an issue with it. Fuck, Chifuyu didn’t even like Kazutora like that, but he was good at kissing, and he was undeniably really pretty… he didn’t like Kazutora like that, let alone like him at all in the first place. Was he really so deprived of attention that he missed making out with the one person he thought he detested? Surely not - Baji had always treated him well, but Kazutora was different, and not even in a bad way.

Chifuyu stared up at the ceiling, where shadows and light danced with one another just as they had the night Kazutora came in through his window. Fuck, what the fuck, for once, he actually did want to talk to Kazutora, just to set the record straight. He wanted to tell Kazutora to grow the fuck up and sort out his issues with Baji, and then maybe Chifuyu would knock some sense into him, and then they could work out just what was wrong. Kazutora was dysfunctional, and Chifuyu knew that Baji was, too; surely, that must’ve been what had first brought them together into their deadly whirlwind of a relationship.

Whatever. Kazutora’s business was none of Chifuyu’s, and so all the latter could do about it was provide comfort to Baji whenever he needed it. It should’ve been a blessing, really, Kazutora storming out, but instead of basking in the knowledge that he had slept with Baji alone in the latter’s bed for the first time since Kazutora’s release with a smile on his face, it left a bitter taste in Chifuyu’s mouth. Maybe it was because he knew how much Kazutora meant to Baji; Chifuyu didn’t want to think about the possibility that he was actually worried about Kazutora himself. All of this left a pit in Chifuyu’s stomach, and he found himself caught in between emotions, unable to decipher how he really felt. He wished that things with Kazutora could go back to being black and white, but Chifuyu was left mixed in with shades of gray, and he wasn’t quite sure what to make of it.

—

“You can’t keep staying here without paying rent, man, you gotta go home.”

Kazutora opened one eye and took a drag from his cigarette, blowing the smoke out from his nose. “You’re such a prick. It’s only been two days.”

“Yeah? I’m strapped for cash as it is, and you’re using up my shit. You need to leave.”

The mattress Kazutora was lying on shook with the force of a kick, and choking on ashes, he sat up, raising his hands in resignation. “I’ll pay for the food and shit, okay? I’m kinda broke, too.”

Standing above Kazutora, Hanma crossed his arms and let out a long, reluctant sigh. He had a soft spot for Kazutora, and the mentioned would be damned if he didn’t know how to exploit it; Hanma owed him, after all, because Kazutora had cleared his name following the Bloody Halloween incident. “Doesn’t your boyfriend make a nice living? Why are you even staying in my shitty place when you can go back home to him?”

Kazutora required a deep drag from his cigarette in order to even think about Baji right then. “One, he’s not my boyfriend,” he clarified, ashing his cigarette quite deliberately onto the mattress, “and two, I’m not talking to him.”

“You’re an asshole,” Hanma said, and he kicked the mattress again, though with less gusto than the first time.

Kazutora smiled, smoke filtering through his teeth. “So are you.”

It wasn’t hard to imagine the past the two of them had shared; Kazutora was quite the hypocrite, being jealous of Chifuyu, when he himself had gone and fucked around with Hanma behind Baji’s back all of those years ago, but in Kazutora’s defense, it wasn’t exactly jealousy he was feeling anymore. It was something else, something that made him wonder how Chifuyu kissed and, by extension, how he loved, and perhaps it was just morbid curiosity, but Kazutora found himself unable to get Chifuyu off of his mind ever since he had climbed through the latter’s bedroom window so many nights ago.

He understood what Baji saw in Chifuyu, and it had piqued his interest; maybe it was a little wrong, treating Chifuyu like he were a lab experiment, but it wasn’t like Kazutora had real feelings, and perhaps it would’ve been crueler to act like he did.

Quite unfortunately, Kazutora was an adult, and as an adult he made his own decisions, and he had knocked on Hanma’s door half-drunk that night out of his own accord. He had decided to turn off his phone when Baji wouldn’t stop texting and calling, and he had decided to sleep with Hanma after he had decided to do a few lines of coke and a few shots of the shittiest whiskey he had ever put in his mouth. Baji had always told Kazutora that running would never solve any of his problems, but Kazutora begged to differ; sure, he missed Baji, but he didn’t feel bad about worrying him. It was like a trial, to see if Baji truly cared, to see if he would seek out Kazutora to the ends of the earth or if he would simply give up after a while.

Because Baji hadn’t seemed to care when Kazutora left, or even before then, because he had been too preoccupied with his pretty blonde boyfriend to notice how troubled Kazutora had been. He hid it well, but still, wasn’t Baji supposed to know him better than anyone?

He hadn’t done what he had with Chifuyu simply to spite Baji - he had just been curious, was all - but when he let Hanma tie his hands above his head and press him firmly into the mattress, Kazutora wished that Baji could see, just to make him jealous, just to see if he cared.

Kazutora was fucking miserable, and he didn’t even like Hanma like that anymore, but he was crossfaded to hell and needed something more to fill the void. He was all sorts of fucked. He missed Baji, even though he didn’t want to. He missed Chifuyu. He wished that he just knew how to articulate everything he felt, because then maybe he wouldn’t have fucked it all up.

“I think that should cover everything you owe,” Hanma said once he was done, wiping beads of sweat off of his forehead as he pulled away from Kazutora. “Your boyfriend’s lucky. You’re a pretty good fuck.”

“Thanks,” mumbled Kazutora, still a little bit lost in his high from earlier, and he reached for the pack of cigarettes left on the floor next to the mattress. Baji would be on his ass if he knew how much Kazutora had been smoking, let alone how much he’d relapsed into other old habits, but Baji wasn’t there, and he hadn’t been for nearly a week by then. Kazutora wondered if Baji had truly given up, and if he even tried looking in the first place. Maybe he was glad that Kazutora was gone; maybe he was adjusting well to his new exclusive fairytale romance with Chifuyu.

For the first time since he had left home, Kazutora turned on his phone. He had passed the time since then either sleeping or getting so high he could barely move, and he was barely ever lucid enough to remember that he even had the thing on him. The glow of his screen was blinding, and he had to squint his eyes to read the notifications that had built up on his idle screen.

Baji had never stopped calling, but even as much as he wanted it to, it didn’t come as a relief to Kazutora. Sure, he hadn’t been forgotten. It was nice to see that someone still cared, but the emptiness inside him remained as it was.

As Kazutora sifted through the notifications without the intent of replying to any of them, he was abruptly interrupted by an incoming call from an unknown number. He let it ring out, a bit paralyzed from the sudden shock, but before he knew it, the caller had hung up.

He didn’t have time to breathe a sigh of relief, though, before the phone rang again. And then again. And then again. And fucking again.

“Hello?” Kazutora mumbled indignantly into the phone when he couldn’t take the incessant calling anymore, and the response was instant.

“Holy shit, Kazutora,” said Chifuyu from the other end of the line, “it’s been five days.”

Kazutora blinked a few times, unable to process the reality of the situation. There weren’t many people he had been expecting to call him, and this certainly wasn’t one of them. Shouldn’t he be celebrating Kazutora’s disappearance? “Chifuyu?”

“It’s been five fucking days, are you okay? Are you safe? Has anything happened to you? Where are you? I can come get you, if you don’t wanna talk to Baji, or Baji said he can call one of your other friends to do it if you don’t wanna talk to me, either-“

Chifuyu talked with such urgency that Kazutora couldn’t believe that it was really him calling. Nothing made sense, and it was laughable; why was Chifuyu so worried? What the hell had Kazutora done to earn that level of respect from the other? Was Kazutora so good of a kisser that their brief makeout session had Chifuyu wrapped around his finger? Chifuyu wasn’t pliable like that, as cutely naive as he seemed to be at times, and Kazutora couldn’t make sense of what was happening.

“Kazutora,” repeated Chifuyu, a bit more desperately. “Look, I promise I’m alone right now. Baji isn’t here, he’s out trying to look for you, okay? So you can talk to me, and he won’t hear. And I promise I won’t tell him. On my dad’s grave and shit, so you know I’m serious about it.”

What had sparked this change of heart? Kazutora was far too stunned to tell. Maybe Baji had persuaded him - yeah, that was probably it. Or maybe Baji had been so torn up about Kazutora leaving that Chifuyu just had to step in; the thought was sadistic, but so was Kazutora and his subsequent love for Baji. Maybe Baji had been right; maybe all Kazutora was good for was hurting everyone else around him.

Kazutora didn’t have time to decide whether or not he wanted to humor Chifuyu before Hanma stepped out of the bathroom, a towel tied around his waist as a memento of the shower he had so graciously left to take. “Who the hell is calling you?” said Hanma, hands on his hips and head cocked inquisitively. “Your boyfriend finally begging you to come back home?”

“It’s a spam call,” replied Kazutora monotonously, and he didn’t let Chifuyu finish whatever he was about to say before hanging up. Chifuyu called again immediately after, but this time, Kazutora did what he should’ve done initially and powered his phone back off. “And I told you, he’s not my boyfriend.”

“Yeah, and you’re not compensating for your stay with your body,” Hanma scoffed, picking a shirt up off of the floor and tugging it on. “Even back then, I could tell how hopelessly in love you were with him. I knew I never had a fighting chance, but I’m okay with being a rebound. Hey, is this about his blonde bitch? Are you pissed that he’s going around fucking someone else, so you came crawling back to me?”

Kazutora finally sat up, sweaty and sticky and smelling like smoke. He was still naked, and the mattress was disgusting, but if he knew Hanma, he knew the mentioned couldn’t have cared less. “It’s not that,” Kazutora mumbled, reaching for another cigarette, even though it kind of was. “And don’t call Chifuyu a bitch.”

Hanma knelt down on the floor beside Kazutora, taking the lighter when he noticed how badly the latter’s hands were shaking, and after sparking a flame he offered it out to Kazutora, who sluggishly leaned forward for a light. Hanma’s fingers were long and slender, the tattoos on the backs of his hands stark against his pale skin, and Kazutora might’ve called the other pretty had he been asked five years ago. He was just so tired, and he took a long drag from the cigarette before offering it half-heartedly to Hanma, who looked over at him from beneath long lashes and half-lidded eyes as he accepted.

“Chifuyu,” said Hanma slowly, as if savoring the taste of the name on his tongue. “So he means something to you, too. Is it that they’re fucking without you, then? Have you tried asking if you can join?”

“Christ, not everything is about sex, you fucking pervert,” said Kazutora as he took back the cigarette. He wished it were a joint instead. He wished he’d brought his weed before he had stormed out on that fateful night, because Hanma’s was always shit, and he was coming down from his high. “He’s just a nice guy. That’s it.”

Hanma sighed, leaning in a little bit too close when it was his turn to take a drag. “Yeah, I’ll bet,” he replied, flicking ashes onto Kazutora’s exposed thigh, but the mentioned couldn’t quite bring himself to care. “Go shower. You look like shit.”

“Do I really,” retorted Kazutora dryly, but Hanma was handing him an excuse to be alone, and who was he to decline? Kazutora managed to push himself upright and stumble his way to the bathroom, and when he faced himself in the mirror he understood what Hanma had meant by that remark. Fuck, Kazutora hated to admit it, but he was a total wreck without Baji to hold him steady. He would do anything for Baji back; were it not for his steady flow of spite and anger, he might’ve gone back home.

Had he really fucked everything up when he’d kissed Chifuyu, or would it have been fixable had he not stormed out the door? Baji had been angry, but maybe if Kazutora had stayed, they would’ve been able to talk it out. Or maybe they would’ve burnt down the apartment.

Kazutora didn’t understand what he was feeling, but for once in his life, he wished that he did. The shower was far too hot when he stepped under the water flow, but maybe this way it would burn away everything on his mind.

When he stepped out of the shower and absentmindedly dried himself off with an already suspiciously damp towel hanging on a hook nearby, Kazutora couldn’t tell if his silent prayers had been answered or ignored.

He opened the bathroom door, steam flowing out from behind him, and immediately, he was met with a slap to the face.

“You fucking idiot!” exclaimed an all-too familiar voice, and Kazutora was being wrapped into a tight hug before he could even process the way his cheek stung from the impact. “You fucking bastard! Do you have any idea how fucking worried out of my mind I’ve been? I almost called the fucking cops on you, Tora, I was so fucking scared. Are you okay? Are you feeling okay? I’m sorry I slapped you, but you fucking deserved it for making me so anxious.”

Kazutora stood still in Baji’s sudden embrace, not quite registering the events unfolding in front of him quite yet. “Why are you here?” he replied slowly, quietly, and Baji pulled back, though his hands stayed firm on the other’s shoulders as if afraid he would run away again. “How did you know?”

“Chifuyu told me he called,” replied Baji, still frantic, “and that you actually picked up, and he told me he heard some guy in the background. I had a hunch, and I was right, and here you are, holy shit, I’ve been so fucking worried.”

“Some guy?” called Hanma from the opposite end of the room, furrowing his eyebrows in clear offense, but Baji ignored him and kept his eyes trained on Kazutora.

“Please come home,” continued Baji, and he took Kazutora’s hands in his own, gentle and warm. “We can talk about it, and I won’t get mad. I promise.”

“Did Chifuyu come?” asked Kazutora, still grappling with his emotions and the sudden nature of the situation, and Baji was clearly taken aback by the question, but he bounced back quickly, the glow in his eyes never fading.

“No, but he’s waiting at home. He’s been worried too, it hasn’t just been me… I know you guys aren’t on the best of terms, but he really wants to give you a chance this time, if you’ll take it. I don’t know why he changed his mind, but maybe he’ll tell you. We can talk about all of this when we get home, okay?” A bit of desperation had seeped into Baji’s tone, and it was rare that Kazutora ever caught him in a state so vulnerable. He was hurt, and he was genuine, and Kazutora had wanted to make him mad earlier, but when brought face to face, he didn’t think he had it in him to do so anymore.

Kazutora swallowed back the bile rising in his throat. “Okay,” he replied, and Baji’s subsequent smile was flooded with blinding relief. “Just… let me get dressed first.”

—

Chifuyu’s leg bounced anxiously as he waited on Baji’s couch, his hoodie pulled tight around his face and his hands stuffed in his pockets so that he wouldn’t pick at his skin. He was nervous, if that much wasn’t clear; he hadn’t seen Kazutora since they’d both been drunk that night, and he didn’t exactly have the same emotional basis that Baji did with him - he wasn’t sure if Kazutora would want to see him or not, but for once in his life, Chifuyu did.

Baji had been so immediate with his reaction to Chifuyu letting him know that Kazutora had answered his call that Chifuyu hadn’t even had time to ask if it was okay for him to stay in his apartment, or if it was okay for him to be there when Kazutora finally came home. Maybe leaving would’ve been the wiser thing to do, but Chifuyu was already working against his better judgement, so despite his hesitancy and his fear, he stayed.

He and Baji had been relatively transparent with one another in the time since Kazutora left, both about their feelings for one another and for Kazutora. Jealousy was an integral part of human nature, and so was loneliness, Chifuyu found; it hadn’t been entirely about Chifuyu getting hurt but also a possessive sort of pain. So maybe all of them were hypocrites, but maybe that similarity had made everything okay.

Chifuyu had been feeling a rolling sort of curiosity when it came to Kazutora, slowly erasing and evading the anger he once felt in the other’s presence, and he’d only really realized it once he’d woken up after Kazutora had come to see him that one night. Did Chifuyu want to learn? The answer was both yes and no, but after Kazutora had kissed him it seemed as if the curiosity was something mutual.

The lock on the front door clicked, and Chifuyu very nearly jumped out of his skin when it swung open. Baji was smiling as he came in, but Kazutora’s expression was nothing short of emptily neutral; he made eye contact with Chifuyu, but he didn’t react, as if the other wasn’t really there.

“Kazutora,” started Chifuyu, and Kazutora brushed strands of wet hair out of his eyes, pausing in the entryway. There were a million things that Chifuyu wanted to talk about right then, but none of them manifested into speech. “I’m glad you’re alright,” he finally continued, accompanying his words with a weak smile, and Kazutora only nodded in response.

“We’ll only be a second,” promised Baji as he led Kazutora into his room, presumably to be alone; Chifuyu hadn’t been told to leave, and it was clear from the look in Baji’s eyes that he was welcome to stay, but from the moment that the other two had walked through the door, Chifuyu realized that this was something far too intimate for him to intrude on.

He would text Baji later, he reasoned as he quietly slid his shoes on, and they could talk some other time. The hall outside was cold in contrast to the inside of the apartment, and even when Chifuyu pushed open his own front door as silently as he possibly could, the chill never left his bones.

Was this okay? Was anything okay? Chifuyu had lost the ability to tell a long, long time ago.

Can u call me whenever ur able to? Chifuyu typed the message out to the phone number he now knew was Kazutora’s, but he hesitated indefinitely over the send button. He wasn’t sure if it’d be more embarrassing if Kazutora ignored him or if he never even read the message at all, let alone the slim possibility that Chifuyu would actually get a response. He wanted to talk, though, and no matter what history they had with one another, Chifuyu found it difficult to stay annoyed, not after everything said and done within the past week or so.

So he sent the message, and then he sent one out apologizing to Baji for leaving unannounced, and then he shut his phone off and rested it face-down on his nightstand. He was alone in his room again, but somehow, he felt even lonelier than usual. Was it Kazutora’s return, or was it Chifuyu’s own series of revelations that had occurred in his absence?

Chifuyu wanted to know why Kazutora had kissed him, and he wanted to know why it had been a big enough deal for him to leave. Baji wasn’t telling him everything, but Chifuyu reckoned it was justified; Kazutora’s side of things was his alone to tell, after all.

The night stretched on into infinity, and when Chifuyu finally managed to drift off into sleep, he found himself dreaming about Kazutora.

Baji had typed out a response only moments after Chifuyu had fallen asleep, but Kazutora wasn’t as eager. The record had shown that he had opened Chifuyu’s message almost immediately, but their chat remained void on Kazutora’s part.

A day went by, and then a couple more, and then it had been a week, and Chifuyu still couldn’t get Kazutora out of his head. He checked his phone anxiously, and the intervals in between those periods grew progressively shorter as the week persisted; it was definitely noticeable how antsy he was, but laughably, it took far longer than it should have for anyone to speak up about Chifuyu’s newest nervous habit.

If the Chifuyu from weeks prior had known that he would end up on the edge of his seat, waiting for a text or a call from Kazutora, he probably would’ve laughed and called bullshit. But to the present Chifuyu, none of this was funny; Kazutora was fine, countless texts of reassurance from Baji were proof enough in themselves, but Chifuyu only spiraled further the longer that Kazutora continued to leave him on read. Kazutora didn’t want to talk, and it was obvious, but Chifuyu couldn’t put himself at ease until he did. Just like everything went when Kazutora was around, Chifuyu found himself running in circles, chasing after the other in search of solace he was starting to think would never manifest.

Baji managed a pet shop, which was why he was so goddamn busy all of the time, and Chifuyu seldom had time to visit in between balancing university and his all-consuming anxiety over Kazutora, but one of his professors had cancelled class for the day, and so Chifuyu took a much needed rendezvous.

Business wasn’t exactly slow, but it wasn’t booming enough for Baji not to have a second of time to spare towards Chifuyu. Baji was taking care of something administrative in the back of the store, and Chifuyu was perched on a stool at his side, watching the other go through spreadsheets and emails with a diligent sort of focus that he hadn’t possessed since high school.

Chifuyu tucked a few strands of hair that had escaped from Baji’s messy ponytail behind the latter’s ear, more invested in him than in whatever work he was doing. “You look so hot when you’re focused like that,” remarked Chifuyu; an untrained eye wouldn’t have caught the way that Baji tightened his fist around the computer mouse in response to the comment, but Chifuyu brimmed with expertise. “Hey, are you busy after work?”

There was a pause, and it sat heavy in the air between them. “I don’t wanna leave him alone more than I have to,” replied Baji, not delivering his answer outright, but he had said all that Chifuyu needed to hear. “It already sucks enough that I can’t get out of working when I need to. I’m sorry, Chifuyu, really.”

Chifuyu inhaled sharply through his teeth. “He’s not a baby, you know, he can be on his own for a little while longer. It’s not even like you’ll be far away if you stay over at my place.”

But when Baji finally tore his stare off of the computer and caught Chifuyu’s gaze, his eyes were glazed with worry. “I’m sorry. I miss you so much, I don’t even think you know, but he really does need me right now, and I have to be there for him.”

It should’ve hurt, but for once, Chifuyu understood. Kazutora wasn’t okay, and as much as Chifuyu wished he could understand why, he accepted his place in the dark with reluctance. “Can you at least tell him to text me back or something?”

“If the opportunity presents itself, I will,” replied Baji, and the quick kiss he stole before returning to his work sealed his words as a promise. “Once everything is okay again, I’ll spend so much time with you that you’ll get sick of me.”

“Impossible,” interjected Chifuyu, and fortunately, Baji seemed to take his words at face value, paying no heed to the waves of overwhelming and contrasting emotions lapping at the forefront of Chifuyu’s mind.

He knew that he wouldn’t find what he was looking for, but Chifuyu checked his phone regardless. Kazutora had apologized to him on that night that they were high, and as much as Chifuyu had tried to dismiss the very possible implications behind that entire encounter, he found himself unable to. Kazutora had changed, and by extension, so had Chifuyu, but the latter didn’t think he’d be able to make sense of anything by himself. He had tried, and he had failed, and then he checked his phone again, lying in wait just to try and push things back onto their usual axis. Kazutora had grown to be so integral to Chifuyu’s life; was it selfish for Chifuyu to hope that the same thing was true in reverse?

Chifuyu was barely sleeping by then, so it was by a stroke of dumb irony that he had finally gotten the notification he had been waiting for when, a few long days following his last meeting with Baji, he had passed out on his couch moments after he had gotten home.

id rather talk in person if thats ok

Hastily, Chifuyu replied affirmatively, despite his own uneasiness at the idea of having to see Kazutora face-to-face after so many days of anxious agony; the former already felt as if he had been asking for too much when he had sent that initial message, though, and he was far from being in any position to turn down the offer when it was quite possibly the only one he’d get.

Just like he had on the night that Kazutora had come home, Chifuyu found himself unable to sit still. He was still checking his phone every so often just in case Kazutora would send him anything else regarding when they would be meeting; if anything, Chifuyu’s nervousness had increased largely in intensity. Kazutora had clearly been avoiding him, and Chifuyu had no way of knowing what would ensue when they saw each other next. Would Kazutora be pissed off at him? Would he even talk, or was he just begrudgingly giving Chifuyu the opportunity to air his grievances?

Regardless of whatever the outcome happened to be, there was no turning back; Chifuyu had tried so hard to get that response, anyways, so flaking out was far from being included as an option.

“Chifuyu,” said his mom when he stopped washing the dishes mid-rinse just to check his phone later that same evening, “is everything okay?”

No new notifications; Chifuyu returned his attention to the bowl he was supposed to be cleaning. “Yeah, why?” It was a stupid answer. His mom had just bore witness to the way that he desperately checked his phone every other minute.

Chifuyu couldn’t map his mom’s expression from the angle he was hunched over the sink at, but he suspected that she had her worried parent face on. “Is everything okay with Keisuke?”

“Yeah, why?” Chifuyu repeated; a glass went onto the drying rack, and he didn’t even bother drying his hands off before turning to check his phone again. Still nothing. “Things are great with Baji. He’s just busy.”

“You’ve been acting strange ever since the last time you went over to his place,” his mom continued. “Are you sure that nothing happened?”

The last dish went in the drying rack, and Chifuyu wiped his hands on his jeans. “Yes, mom, I promise, this has nothing to do with him.”

Chifuyu’s mom sighed; it looked like she wanted to continue talking, but no matter what she said or did, she had never been able to be assertive with her son. “If you want to talk about anything, you know you can come to me, right?”

“Yes, mom, thank you,” replied Chifuyu hastily, and he offered her the most genuine smile he could muster before beelining to his room. His mom knew a lot about him in her defense, or at least she knew a lot about his relationship with Baji, but Chifuyu wasn’t sure that she wanted to know about Kazutora. At least not until they sorted everything out.

And Kazutora was still a goddamn madman, because he had somehow crawled his way up to Chifuyu’s window with a heavy looking plastic bag hooked around his arm; Chifuyu suspected that he already knew what it held.

He hadn’t been able to sleep, anyways, but it had been a little bit of a scare when Kazutora’s frame blocked out the single steady stream of moonlight that had been illuminating Chifuyu’s room. Hastily climbing out of his bed - but still careful not to disturb his cat in the process - Chifuyu unlocked the window; he hadn’t even needed to be persuaded this time.

“You need to work on giving me a heads up,” mumbled Chifuyu as Kazutora slipped in through the window for an absurd second time. “Almost gave me a heart attack.”

“Damn, not even a hello?” Kazutora quipped, but without his usual liveliness infecting his tone, his remark fell flat. Chifuyu could barely see him - he was still blocking the moon - but he knew that this still wasn’t the same Kazutora who had found immense joy in picking on him and deliberately pissing him off. He wanted to ask what had changed, but he reckoned his fear that Kazutora might run off was rational enough to hold him back, at least for now. “So…”

Chifuyu felt frozen, and he swallowed the knot that was tightening in the back of his throat. “I just wanted to talk to you,” he mustered, though his voice came out as timid, “about everything.”

After what felt like eons of standing in place, like depressing statues decorating Chifuyu’s room, Kazutora finally made the first move: he set his plastic bag down on the other’s bed and carefully sat next to it, his eyes owlishly wide and reflecting the dim light from the window as he expectantly glanced over at Chifuyu, who could only assume that he was being beckoned. At least Kazutora had taken off his shoes this time.

“Peke J,” said Kazutora once Chifuyu had joined him on the bed, his gaze redirected at the blissfully sleeping black cat curled up on one of the pillows. “Is this where he comes to spend the night?”

Chifuyu was unsurprised that Kazutora was already familiar with Peke J, given that he coparented with Baji, and that the latter’s apartment was the cat’s preferred daytime hangout spot when he wasn’t busy roaming the streets. “Most of the time, yeah. I give him dinner and bathe him every so often, and you know Baji does the rest.”

The silence that fell between them was soupy, so thick it was nearly tangible, and Chifuyu nearly gnawed all of the skin off of his lips in his anxious search for something, anything to say. How did he even start this conversation? There were so many things he wanted to ask, and so many things he wanted to answer. Kazutora didn’t seem impatient, though he didn’t seem like much of anything, really; all he did was stare down at Chifuyu’s duvet and drum his fingers on his knees.

Once it got unbearable, or nearly so in Chifuyu’s case, Kazutora reached for the plastic bag, loudly rummaging through it before pulling out a tall glass bottle, still moderately full of vodka. “Wanna finish this off? I don’t really like talking about heavy shit when I’m sober, anyways, and you look like you could use some loosening up.”

Chifuyu almost inquired about the last time they were drunk and alone together, but the words never quite made it to his mouth; did Baji even know what they were doing right then? Would Baji even care this time around?

But Kazutora was already tipping back a few generous sips straight from the bottle, promptly ripping Chifuyu from his impending downward spiral when he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and passed the vodka over. “Want it or not?”

Drinking hard liquor straight from the bottle was a new addendum to Chifuyu’s mental list of things that he never would have done before Kazutora started enabling him like this. The thrill was a little fun, he had to admit, and had he not already figured out just what it was that made Kazutora so charming, Chifuyu might’ve chalked it up to that. The alcohol burned like a summer wildfire all the way down to his stomach, and were it not for his pride, Chifuyu might’ve let himself puke it all back up. That was definitely way more than a shot, but it was far too late for him now.

“Bold,” said Kazutora before he took his second swig. “But don’t go passing out on me before you even get a chance to talk, okay?”

“I know my limits,” Chifuyu muttered indignantly, and he hoped he sounded confident enough to be convincing. Considering how much Kazutora was drinking, though, and how much was left in the bottle, Chifuyu reckoned that he’d be alright. “Same goes for you, you know.”

Chifuyu gagged on his next turn, and Kazutora made no attempt to hide his barely-stifled laugh, but where the former would’ve normally found himself pissed off, he instead leaned into it and let out a giggle of his own. He was starting to feel the alcohol, which was slightly embarrassing considering he hadn’t even downed that much, but in all honesty Chifuyu didn’t mind getting wasted as quickly as possible, so that he could get the talking portion of the night done and over with.

Neither of them ended up puking by the end of the bottle, which to Chifuyu felt like a prayer answered, but he was so plastered by then that he probably wouldn’t have even cared. Kazutora was rummaging through his plastic bag again for something; more alcohol? There was no way that he wasn’t already drunk enough.

“If I drink any more, I’m fuckin’ out,” Chifuyu warned, and he was trying to watch his volume but he wasn’t sure he was doing too good a job of doing so. “No fucking way you’re still not drunk enough to talk to me.”

But instead, Kazutora procured a joint. “Are you kidding? I’m drunk as fuck right now. You ever been crossfaded, Chifuyu?”

“How the hell will that make talking any easier?” Chifuyu stared blankly at Kazutora’s dimly lit composure, and the latter shrugged in response, smiling as he balanced the joint between his lips. “Aren’t you just gonna go braindead?”

“I’m a stoner first, alcoholic second,” said Kazutora, and Chifuyu was so caught up in perplexity at the act of being crossfaded at a critical moment like this to remember that they shouldn’t be smoking in his room. “Like, every time I’ve ever talked to you, I’ve been high out of my mind. And you know me when I talk to you. Aren’t I so articulate?”

“Not particularly,” mumbled Chifuyu. “Hey. Is this okay for Peke J?”

“Probably not,” Kazutora mused, impatiently fiddling with his lighter and clearly waiting for an okay to light it up. “So get him out of here for now.”

And it was borderline cruel, how Kazutora watched Chifuyu drunkenly struggle to wake up his cat and subsequently usher him out of his room, all while the former sat cross-legged and careful atop Chifuyu’s bed. He made Chifuyu feel tiny, and maybe it was the alcohol, but for once Chifuyu thought that he really didn’t mind. What the hell did that say about him? This was his room, and they sat on his bed, and this meeting had been his idea in the first place, but Chifuyu found he had no qualms with Kazutora taking hold of authority.

But Kazutora’s hands were shaking when he tried to light the joint, and the flame from his lighter wavered; maybe neither of them were comfortable leading, and maybe Kazutora had been hoping that getting fucked up would help. It was something founded in at least some objective truth, after all.

“Gimme that,” said Chifuyu after a few failed attempts from Kazutora at successfully lighting it up, and he reached blindly for the lighter, his vision too messy to see where his hands were; by complete accident, Chifuyu ended up grabbing Kazutora’s hand, and although it was the one with the lighter in its grip there were surely far more graceful ways to successfully obtain it. The lighter clumsily changed hands and then Chifuyu was squinting his eyes in the face of the flame, and his own hands were shaking but he prided himself in having more control than Kazutora did. Smoke clouded the space in between them as Kazutora breathed in, and then breathed out, and Chifuyu closed his eyes against the fog. “And you’re welcome.”

“Maybe I’m not thankful,” Kazutora quipped around a second hit, and he blew it directly into Chifuyu’s face rather than down towards his lap like he had the first time. The smoke was warm, and Chifuyu took a deep breath, giggling to himself as the cloud dissipated at the absurdity of the idea of getting high on Kazutora’s secondhand smoke. He was glad he had agreed to drink; god, he felt good, and any semblance of anxiety he had previously harbored in regard to whatever the hell they were supposed to be doing right then had entirely dissipated.

“Oh, wait, you like that?”

Chifuyu had curled into himself as he had laughed, and so for the second time in recent history he found his head being jerked upwards by a firm hand on his jaw. He supposed, though unreasonably so, that he could get used to being pushed around like that; why was Baji so gentle with him when playing rough was so much fun?

No, no, no, Chifuyu was drunk, and he had to remind himself of the fact before he got carried away. These were just new experiences and he was reveling in their novelty, and surely, surely it didn’t go deeper than that.

And yet he couldn’t help the excited leap of his heartbeat when Kazutora told him to open his mouth and inhale deeply when he himself exhaled, and maybe Chifuyu closed his eyes when Kazutora leaned in, though stopping just short of what might’ve been their second kiss; Kazutora’s breath was hot and so was the smoke he expelled into Chifuyu’s mouth, and the rush of cold air that filled the minimal space in between them as Chifuyu did what he had been told to was simultaneously a shock and a thrill.

Chifuyu felt dizzy for more reasons than one, and when he opened his eyes Kazutora had pulled back, taking another hit for himself. He was smiling coyly, teasingly, temptingly, and the wind had already long since been knocked out of Chifuyu. “Can you do that again?” he breathed, and it was a humiliating thing to ask for but he was pumped full of enough substances to vanish his ability to care. “Kazutora, can you do it again?”

“Baji was already so pissed at me for letting you smoke so much,” Kazutora mused, but he leaned in closer nonetheless. “Because you had never done it before and shit, but hey. He only ever wants to get high with me like once a fucking month, but you always take whatever I give you, so he can’t really blame me, can he?”

“No,” said Chifuyu when Kazutora bridged the distance between them once again, exchanging breaths and lungs and smoke; the latter straddled the lap of the former, causing Chifuyu to fall backwards against his headboard in surprise, and wasn’t it funny how he’d been in that same position with Baji just a few weeks ago? It was completely different, and yet it was the exact same; did shotgunning count as a love language?

And it was then, as he took another hit from Kazutora’s mouth, that Chifuyu remembered just what it was that he had wanted to talk about. He had worked so hard to drag Kazutora out of seclusion, and maybe this had been Kazutora’s plan all along, to make Chifuyu forget so that the both of them could avoid responsibility and have some fun while doing so.

“What am I to you?” started Chifuyu, almost as if he were testing the waters between then; Kazutora blinked slowly, seemingly having also forgotten the real reason why he had climbed through Chifuyu’s window that night, pausing his slow lean forward to look carefully into the other’s eyes. “You hate me, but you kissed me, and now you’re here, and… what is this, anyway?”

Kazutora cupped the back of Chifuyu’s head and raised him gently until their foreheads touched; Chifuyu thought that this was probably the first time that Kazutora had ever dealt with him in any matter less than aggressively. “Did I ever say that I hate you?”

“No, but I think it’s always kinda been implied,” continued Chifuyu cautiously, and he really did want to talk but he was deathly afraid of sobering up as a consequence. “You treat me like you do sometimes.”

“Even now?” said Kazutora, his voice barely a whisper where it brushed against Chifuyu’s cheek, and before the latter could even begin to formulate a response, Kazutora was kissing him again with a newfound sort of fervency to his actions. The gesture was brief, much briefer than Chifuyu would’ve liked, and this time it was the latter clinging on in a silent request for more, but Kazutora held his ground; he had to finish smoking, after all.

“Yes,” replied Chifuyu, dazedly watching Kazutora as the rest of the world spun about him. “Why did you do that?”

“Why did you try to pull me back for more?”

Chifuyu blinked. Kazutora was still on his lap, and his hand was still firmly supporting the back of Chifuyu’s head, and in the dimly lit room with heavily lidded eyes and his too-long hair falling into his face Kazutora almost looked beautiful. And almost was an understatement, but Chifuyu thought that he had to hold onto at least a semblance of his rationality.

“I’m drunk,” said Chifuyu at last, twisting his fingers where they were still tangled in the fabric of Kazutora’s shirt. “And I don’t know what I want, because you keep sending me mixed signals, and it’s driving me mad.” The answer was obvious, but it clearly wasn’t the one Kazutora had been looking for.

Did Baji know that they were together right now? How would he react if - when - he found out? The thought stayed stuck in the back of Chifuyu’s mind, but when Kazutora loomed before him it was hard to remember entirely. Kazutora tilted his head, and before he took another hit from the dying joint, he inquired, “well, what am I to you?”

Chifuyu didn’t get to answer, because Kazutora was blowing smoke into his mouth once more; the former used the opportunity to pull the latter down, craving contact, and when their lips met the impact was almost violent. Chifuyu didn’t know what he wanted, but at that moment he was certain that Kazutora was something that he absolutely needed. Was this enough of an answer? Chifuyu had never hated Kazutora, and he had never wanted to dislike him, either, and when it was clear that their relationship could be more complex than simply borderline enemies, Chifuyu finally thought that he understood.

“I don’t know,” said Chifuyu at last, “but Kazutora, I think I really do like you.”

Kazutora pursed his lips, his breath hot against Chifuyu’s neck. “You shouldn’t. You said it yourself - don’t you think I hate you?”

Chifuyu laughed to himself, because he wasn’t quite sure why he felt the way he did, either. Kazutora was an asshole, and he had made that abundantly clear. Chifuyu didn’t even really believe in second chances, or at least, he hadn’t until he had gotten to know Kazutora. “What makes you think I understand how I feel?”

“I thought at least one person here had to understand what was going on,” mumbled Kazutora, and Chifuyu pulled him closer again, if only to quiet the other, but the former didn’t kiss him again, keeping if only a marginal distance between the two of them, and Chifuyu thought that it was driving him mad. “I guess I really fucked up, then.”

Tilting his head, Chifuyu gazed curiously at the other, still sitting motionless on his lap. “What do you mean, you fucked up?”

“Oh my god, you talk so fucking much,” was Kazutora’s sole response, and when he finally moved again he had effectively caged Chifuyu up against the headboard with his arms. “You are so annoying.”

And yet Chifuyu couldn’t help the smile that slowly spread across his face. “I did ask you to come over to talk, you know.”

“And I’m fucking tired of it. Are we gonna hook up behind Baji’s back or are you still gonna pretend like you have no clue what’s going on?”

Taking Kazutora’s earlier statement to heart, when Chifuyu opened his mouth he answered the other’s rhetorical question not with words but instead with the lingering taste of alcohol on his lips. If none of his own inquiries had been answered, at least Chifuyu had been able to find clarity in one thing - the rush he felt when he was skin to skin with Kazutora was far more than just a temporary sensation. This wasn’t Baji, and this was nowhere near similar, but Chifuyu thought that it was okay, because even with the newfound addition of Kazutora to the former’s list of things to care about, Baji’s position at the top never once wavered. It wasn’t that Chifuyu had ever doubted Baji’s ability to split his love equally in two places, but when Kazutora was there on top of him in all his beautiful glory, Chifuyu supposed that the passion he felt in that moment was at least a little bit comparable.

“I’ve always been jealous of you,” mumbled Chifuyu even though it was obvious that Kazutora wasn’t listening, and when Chifuyu combed his fingers through the other’s hair he wondered if he would ever get to feel like this again, if Kazutora would ever want to see him again like this, because Chifuyu knew that if the opportunity ever arose again, he himself wouldn’t turn it down. He felt insane - it was insane, really, to be thinking about Kazutora with this newfound lens of… something on, but Chifuyu had also thought himself insane when he had fallen head over heels for the guy with the slicked back ponytail and thick glasses that wrote letters in illegible kanji to his partner behind bars.

So they didn’t really talk, but that was okay, because Chifuyu found himself faced head-on with the truth he had been trying so vainly to evade.

Drunk and stoned and totally dissociated from the present, Chifuyu basked in Kazutora’s warmth, laughing at nothing when he fell back against his mattress and let Kazutora bite at his neck and his shoulders, Chifuyu’s fingers tangled in blocky yellow highlights and his heart lost somewhere in the empty bottle of vodka they’d shared.

Chifuyu remembered it all vividly, from Kazutora’s unabridged ferocity to the delectable taste of Kazutora’s name falling from the former’s own lips in between moments of heavy passion, and were it not for the lingering sensation of… Kazutora, Chifuyu might’ve been able to convince himself that what had happened had simply been a super fucked up dream. Chifuyu wasn’t sure when he’d fallen asleep, but when he awoke the sun was shining offensively brightly through his open window and the space next to him on his bed had once again gone cold.

Was the sick feeling wracking his figure a product of his hangover or of what he had done? It wasn’t worth the second thought; when Chifuyu looked in the mirror all he saw was the desire that had burned between the both of them just hours before, the feeling akin to the way he felt the first time he and Baji had skipped class and made out behind the school. Maybe this was why Chifuyu felt so lonely all the time; maybe he simply hadn’t collected all of the pieces of his heart yet.

It was bizarre, but Chifuyu now found himself incapable of thinking about Kazutora without a tinge of fondness added on, and he didn’t even hate it. He felt almost like a middle schooler with his first crush again.

Chifuyu had spent so much time distracted in his own mind that he just barely registered his phone vibrating where he had so haphazardly abandoned it on his nightstand hours before.

10:24 • 3 new messages from bajisan <33
have u heard from tora? hes not picking up my calls
and he wasnt here when i woke up
im prob overreacting but u kno what happened last time

Blinking sleep out of his eyes, Chifuyu responded; no but i can try calling

—

Kazutora hadn’t shut his phone off this time, instead letting it buzz itself to death where it sat on the pavement next to where he stood, hands in the pockets of a hoodie stolen from Baji as he let its original owner go to voicemail for the nth time that morning.

He was tired, and he wished that he hadn’t let Chifuyu have the last of his weed the night before, because god knew that was what he needed right then. Kazutora hadn’t even fallen asleep the night before, just let Chifuyu doze off snuggled neatly into the former’s chest while he stared at the ceiling, too drunk to process what he had done yet somehow not drunk enough to ignore that it had happened. What had happened? He wasn’t even too sure of that himself.

His phone wouldn’t stop buzzing. Bitterly, Kazutora thought that at least it was a sign that Baji cared enough about him to chase after him, but if Baji had cared enough about his feelings, he wouldn’t have run in the first place. Sure, it wasn’t fair to Baji, but nothing was fucking fair, not since Kazutora had been released, not since he had been introduced to Chifuyu. Chifuyu, Chifuyu, Kazutora couldn’t get the blond out of his head, and he wondered if maybe he had been bewitched or something; that would surely explain Baji’s obsession, and it would explain why Kazutora hadn’t been able to stop thinking about him ever since they met. Fuck, he needed a cigarette. He needed to be drunk, to be high, to be knocked unconscious where he stood, because he didn’t understand a single one of his thoughts, and it terrified the shit out of him.

Kazutora didn’t even have anywhere to go anymore. All he knew was that he sure as hell couldn’t go back to Baji and Chifuyu and whatever the fuck those two had going on that made Kazutora feel so lonely, yet so loved.

He decided to get a beer.

Was it a good look for him to be drinking before noon? Not particularly, but Kazutora decided that he couldn’t give less of a shit when he slid the can across the convenience store counter and fished for coins in his wallet. He was broke. He thought, fleetingly, that maybe he should stop leeching off of Baji and get a job for himself; he was so dependent on Baji for quite literally everything, and as Kazutora cracked open his beer and took a sip he wondered if maybe he should forget Baji, and forget Chifuyu, and start over by himself. He reckoned it would save him quite a bit of pain.

The beer tasted like shit, but Kazutora kept downing it anyway, standing outside the convenience store desperate for a buzz that would take his mind off of everything. Maybe he needed more than one. Maybe he needed to get drunk and stumble around the streets like an alcoholic; maybe he’d get arrested again for public intoxication, and then maybe he’d have a place to stay for the night away from Baji.

“Kazutora?”

Time slowed just like it had that night before, and Kazutora was left staring over his can of beer at the blond he had been so desperately trying to forget.

“Are you fucking stupid?” said Chifuyu, and all of a sudden he was much closer than Kazutora had just registered; Chifuyu’s eyes brimmed with some emotion that Kazutora couldn’t quite understand, and his expression was unreadable. “Me and Baji have been calling you all morning. Pick up your goddamn phone, will you?”

When Chifuyu shoved Kazutora back, the latter did nothing but stumble. He should’ve been angry with Chifuyu for doing that, should’ve shoved him right back, but Kazutora was frozen in place, unable to do anything but gape.

“Hey,” said Chifuyu, and he grabbed the can of beer right out of Kazutora’s hand and threw it quite enthusiastically into a nearby trash can. “I’m talking to you, you know? You’re such a fucking prick! Why don’t you use your words for once, instead of running away whenever you don’t feel like dealing with me anymore? Are you fucking stupid? Are you a fucking pussy, Kazutora? Answer me.”

There were so many things that Kazutora wanted to say, that he wanted to do, but he was stuck. His mind was blank in the way he had so desperately hoped for just half an hour prior. Chifuyu was right in front of him, but he still felt so out of reach.

“Forget it then,” Chifuyu continued after what felt like eons of nothing but him staring deep into Kazutora’s soul. “Don’t come home. Don’t see me anymore if you don’t want to talk it out, because I’m fucking sick of thinking that we’re getting somewhere only for you to end up running away like a coward. I’m a person with feelings just like you are, and I’m tired of letting you stomp all over them. Fuck you, Kazutora. I should’ve known better.”

Chifuyu, wait, Kazutora wanted to say, but the words lodged in his throat and he felt as if he were choking on them. I’m sorry. Come back. Don’t leave me here. It was too much, it was far too much, and Kazutora couldn’t even move to tug at Chifuyu’s sleeve when the latter walked past him and into the convenience store.

There was just something about Chifuyu that made Kazutora want to beg him to stay, to bring him home, to kiss him one more time and forgive him for his sins. Kazutora felt insane, he felt shattered, he felt lost and he felt dumb. He wanted Chifuyu, maybe even in the same way that Baji did, maybe even in the same way that he wanted Baji. And that revelation in itself was enough to make Kazutora sink to the floor.

He had never hated Chifuyu, not even when the latter was shoving him and insulting him, and maybe he was jealous at times, but hatred had never truly been present. Kazutora wasn’t quite sure of what it was, but he knew that he wanted Chifuyu. Whatever that meant. Whatever it entailed.

Kazutora forced himself to move his body and re-enter the convenience store, but to both his dismay and his relief, Chifuyu was nowhere to be seen. Had he managed to sneak out while Kazutora had been too busy thinking? Had Kazutora really been stuck in place for that long?

Except now, Kazutora couldn’t just forget it. He needed to talk to Chifuyu, for real, to actually share how he felt, and then maybe he would be able to forget everything. Maybe he’d be able to move on after he got it all off his chest.

Kazutora hadn’t planned on going back home that night, or anytime soon for that matter, but he decided that he would pay Chifuyu’s window a visit for what would hopefully be the last time.

—

Chifuyu couldn’t say that he hadn’t exactly been expecting to be awoken in the middle of the night by an urgent knock on his window, but he also couldn’t say that it was something that he necessarily wanted to deal with. It took about a minute of trying to ignore it before Chifuyu decided that he’d better just sock Kazutora and tell him to fuck off rather than make it worse.

“What the fuck do you want from me,” said Chifuyu when he’d managed to pull himself up out of bed, rubbing sleep from his eyes. He knew he looked exhausted, because he was, and he was pissed off that Kazutora had the gall to show up like that, at an hour like that, after the exchange they’d had earlier that day. “I don’t want to do drugs with you. Go away.”

When Chifuyu tried closing the window, Kazutora held it open. It was just like the first time this had happened. “I just want to talk,” Kazutora replied, meeker than Chifuyu had been expecting, and the latter felt a twisted sense of pride in that maybe he was responsible for beating some sense into Kazutora after their previous encounter. Kazutora was impossible to read, but Chifuyu didn’t exactly care if the other was being genuine or not. He was tired.

“Yeah, and we both know what happened last time we tried that.” Chifuyu tried closing the window again, but Kazutora’s resistance grew stronger, and almost surprisingly so. “I’m not letting you in. Get fucking lost.”

“I don’t know why I couldn’t say it earlier,” Kazutora interrupted, looking straight at Chifuyu with those tiger-like amber eyes, but this time, Chifuyu didn’t feel like the former would pounce. It was almost curious; an abrupt change from Kazutora’s usual mannerisms, even if the definition of “usual” had been rapidly eroding ever since they had first met. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I hurt you.”

“I don’t care,” replied Chifuyu, but when he spoke his voice wavered unconvincingly. What did he even want, anyway? He wanted Kazutora to get lost, but at the same time, he yearned for the apology, for a fix to the situation, because as much as he didn’t want to admit it, maybe he missed Kazutora. But it was Kazutora, and every resolution to an issue was always just the start of a new one with him, wasn’t it? Was he ever honest when he spoke? Had he ever meant anything at all? “You’re fucking high or something. I don’t care what you have to say to me.”

“No, I’m not,” Kazutora interjected, and this time, his words had a bite to them that he seemingly didn’t intend, though, because he cleared his throat afterwards and exhaled loudly. “I’m not high, and I’m not drunk. I’m not on anything. I wanted to talk to you sober this time, Chifuyu, so that you know that I mean it. And so that I know that I mean it, too.”

Was this the first time that they had ever spoken to one another completely sober? Chifuyu almost laughed out loud at the thought. That was probably right. How could he have latched so quickly onto someone who had never been genuine, not once in the time since they’d known each other?

It was amusing enough for Chifuyu to change his mind. “Alright, fine. I’ll humor you. But you’re still not coming in.”

“Thank you,” Kazutora breathed. “When Baji wrote to me, he always talked about how understanding you are, and god knows I’ve exploited that by asking you for so much lately. You’re such a good person, Chifuyu, and I’m such a piece of shit, and I’m sorry that I’ve put you through hell.”

Chifuyu narrowed his eyes. “Don’t try to butter me up,” he warned. “And you should be apologizing to Baji about that, not me. Do you know how stressed he’s been? How stressed he gets whenever you run away, or whenever you guys fight? Have you ever once understood that you actually have an impact on other peoples’ lives, whether you like it or not?”

“I know,” assured Kazutora, “and I will apologize to him, I will, I just. I just needed to talk to you first. I need to get my thoughts straight. And I need to not pussy out of something for once in my fucking life.”

“Get on with it, then, I’m getting cold, and I have to be up early for school tomorrow.”

“I can’t stop thinking about you,” Kazutora blurted, though his voice was soft and nearly indiscernible from the wind. “It’s like I’m obsessed with you, and I don’t know why. I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is about you, but I can never stop myself from crawling back. I used to think it was because I was jealous of you, but then I realized that maybe I’m jealous of Baji. For getting to be with you in ways that I can’t. And I know that’s not fair to you, because I’m so fucking confused, and I’m just making it worse for both of us, but I needed to say it. I feel like I’m being fucking swallowed alive all the time.”

For a moment, Chifuyu stared blankly back at the man halfway through his window. What did he say to that? How was he even supposed to begin processing that? It felt like his capability to comprehend language had short-circuited for a moment, but finally, after an embarrassing length of time spent opening and closing its mouth like a goldfish, he managed to respond. “Is this a confession?”

Kazutora blinked. “What?”

Chifuyu’s own words caught up to him, and he retroactively realized how embarrassing what he’d just said was. “Nothing. Never mind.”

“No, I,” started Kazutora, furrowing his eyebrows in what seemed to be frustration. “I don’t know. Maybe? But that’s not the point.”

“Then what is the point?” asked Chifuyu stupidly; why had he so desperately clung onto the thought that Kazutora couldn’t stop thinking about him? Because it validated his own thoughts? Because he, too, couldn’t stop thinking about the other, despite how much he hated it? The night before, it would’ve been so easy for Chifuyu to believe that there was a sort of mutual affection between the two of them, regardless of how many layers it was buried beneath. Who the hell even was Kazutora? There was so little Chifuyu knew, and even less that he understood, but he thought that for Kazutora, he might be willing to try – Kazutora was special to Baji, after all, but somehow, for some reason, Chifuyu found himself caring, too.

“It’s an apology,” Kazutora replied simply. “You don’t have to accept it if you don’t want to. I just really, really needed to say it.”

Now Chifuyu was frustrated, trying to place all of his thoughts in a neat row for him to be able to reason with and understand; he was upset at Kazutora, and he was really fucking hurt, but at the same time he wished he could forget it all happened and let Kazutora in.

“I don’t get how I feel either,” Chifuyu finally managed to say, “but what I do get is that, for some reason, I care about you. For some reason, I want to give you another chance. Whatever Baji told you about me was right. I’m too fucking nice for my own good sometimes.”

“So…”

“So you should apologize to Baji,” Chifuyu asserted, “and then the three of us can talk things over together. You’re not off the hook, okay, I’m still gonna make you pay for what you did to me and Baji, but. There’s something about you too, Kazutora, that makes it so that I can never get you off of my mind. It’s so fucking frustrating, it has me ripping my hair out, but I can’t bring myself to let you go.”

Kazutora’s chin dropped to his chest, and if he had ever been known to exhibit manners Chifuyu might’ve thought he was bowing apologetically. “Fuck,” said Kazutora. “Fuck this. I don’t deserve it. I really, really, don’t.”

“Then don’t rest until you can say that you do.” Chifuyu hesitated, swallowed, and then let out a heavy sigh, because Kazutora looked so pathetic that it was starting to hurt. “Come in.”

Chifuyu had already forgiven Kazutora, but he wouldn’t admit it, at least not for a long while. Kazutora had become something almost like a friend – a confidant, a companion – and it was easy to pretend that they had known each other for ages. He had never hated Kazutora, and maybe he’d never been jealous of him, either, but Chifuyu reckoned that this could be a topic for his next therapy session.

When Kazutora climbed onto the other’s bed and curled up much like Peke J always did, instead of objecting or complaining Chifuyu climbed back under his covers, relishing the warmth next to him.

“I’m so tired,” mumbled Kazutora, muffled greatly, and Chifuyu turned over so that they were facing one another.

“Then sleep,” Chifuyu replied, watching Kazutora close his eyes, and then watching the latter’s chest rise and fall as he drifted quickly into sleep.

Chifuyu wasn’t sure when it was that he’d fallen asleep himself, but when he woke up, he was met with the quiet thump of Kazutora’s heartbeat against his temple and an arm draped over him. Smiling to himself, he supposed that he still had some time before his alarm went off, and so he pressed himself closer to Kazutora, letting his eyes close once more.