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Uenoyama can’t shake off a crushing feeling of inadequacy.
It pervades every inch of his mind, leaving him restless and uneasy.
He has never doubted the sincerity of Mafuyu’s feelings for him. He is not that self-confident to call it love (how can somebody love him?), but what Mafuyu feels for him is surely affection.
Yet, he knows about Yuki, he knows Mafuyu was in love with him, is probably still in love with him. That’s why he can’t help but think that the nature of Mafuyu’s feelings for him and for Yuki are completely different.
He is stuck into the arms of a ghost. The ghost of a boy he has never met, but who has become a constant presence in his life.
***
Winter is not an easy season for Mafuyu.
Untrue to his name, he awaits the arrival of the end of the year with a mix of feelings. Dread, pain, anger, sense of guilt. Sometimes they are all so blended together, he can hardly tell them apart.
It starts with an uncomfortable feeling at the pit of his stomach, rising soon after to his throat, where it takes his breath away. His heart pumps loudly in his chest, and there are no grounding techniques or breathing exercises he can do to make it stop. Sometimes he puts his hand on his chest, as if to physically constraint the involuntary movement of the muscle, but it is to no avail.
He opens his mouth searching for air, but there’s never enough oxygen. Soon that sense of oppression that is slowly taking control of his body scrambles up to his eyes, where tears collect right at the corners.
Inspire. Expire. Repeat.
It should be easy.
It should calm him down. It should make him feel safe. But it’s not an infallible method and every so often he finds himself spasmodically crying. Doubled over, choking on his own breath, unable to hold back ugly sobs and tears. For so long he hasn’t been able to cry, too numb and shattered to pieces to bring himself to cry. But after the first time he allowed himself to, he couldn’t stop for a long time.
***
The first time Uenoyama heard about Yuki, he was left speechless. What could he have said anyway?
No words could have ever expressed the turmoil taking place inside his mind.
He had no idea how he would face Mafuyu from then on. He wasn’t even sure if he was supposed to know about his past. It wasn’t Mafuyu who told him about Yuki, so maybe he really wasn’t supposed to know.
If he had had the chance to choose, he would have preferred to stay oblivious.
Being a selfish coward was easier.
How could he look at Mafuyu in the eyes now that he knew the reason behind his pain?
***
Mafuyu is always a mess after his crying sessions. Red, puffy eyes, wet eyelashes, and a terrible headache that keeps him awake the whole night. Sometimes he cries to the point of feeling empty, completely drained out of energy and tears. He lays exhausted and boneless on his bed, staring at the ceiling, waiting for the day he will feel a little less broken.
Some days he misses Yuki more than others. There are days he can think and talk about him without feeling his heart shattering into millions pieces, without feeling tiny daggers piercing right through his chest.
He guesses everyone feels a little bit lonelier in winter. It’s cold outside and it gets darker earlier. It makes you want to snuggle on the couch with the person you love, drinking hot cocoa and pretending the whole world is right there, within those familiar walls.
And it’s not that he doesn’t love Uenoyama. It’s really not that. It’s more complex, deeper, and even Mafuyu himself can’t fully explain it.
He does love Uenoyama. And he does love Yuki.
These are both true.
He has noticed the way Uenoyama clenches his jaw sometimes, can see the furrow between his brows; but he can’t do anything about it. He can’t tell him he doesn’t feel anything for Yuki anymore. It wouldn’t be true. But that doesn’t make his love for Uenoyama any less valid or intense.
***
Every time Uenoyama sees Mauyu walking with his head low and his shoulders hunched, he feels a sting in his chest, sure he is grieving his ex.
All the times he witnesses him like that, with a blank stare as if his mind is somewhere else, all the times Mafuyu looks so small and vulnerable and Uenoyama just wants to hold him into his arms and protect him, he knows there is another person right there with them.
And when Mafuyu’s speech falters and his eyes go wide before going silent, is it because he realized he is standing in front of the wrong person? Would he trade sapphire blue for amber eyes?
There he is, falling in love with somebody who is in the middle of processing the loss of his first love.
And a sense of gut-wrenching loneliness takes hold of him.
***
Mafuyu is terrified.
Terrified that Uenoyama may misunderstand, may assume his feelings are not reciprocated.
But if Mafuyu is so terrified, so petrified, why can’t he say it out loud? Why does he feel a lump in his throat whenever he tries to speak? He is in front of Uenoyama and his pure blue eyes, and he has all these thoughts inside his head, all this love, all these feelings he can’t name. But he says nothing.
The grip on the neck of his guitar gets tighter. If there is one thing that terrifies him more that hurting Uenoyama, is speaking out loud. Blame his less than dreamlike childhood and his abusive father who beat him up whenever he dared to open his mouth.
And now he can’t talk.
There are voice screaming inside his head, scratching on the surface to be let out, but they can’t, they won’t.
Mafuyu just swallows them all.
***
Uenoyama hates himself when he sees Mafuyu gracefully and tenderly plucking at his guitar as if it were what was most precious to him.
I’m right here, look at me!, he wants to scream, but he can’t.
How terribly selfish and cruel would it be?
He knows he can’t replace Yuki, and he doesn’t want to. He just wishes he could be able to comfort him, to provide him a safe shelter.
***
“If I hadn’t been the one to find him... maybe I wouldn’t still be like this now.”
He often thinks about this.
In the first few months, the image of Yuki hanging from the ceiling appeared in front of him every time he closed his eyes. He could see it clearly, as if he still was in that room, that dreadful, horrible day.
He could see the empty cans of beer, scattered between the table and the floor, and his guitar, left next to his bed, outside its case. His unmade bed, a fallen stool.
But more than anything, he could see Yuki’s shoes.
They were the first thing he has noticed about him, and the only thing he could bring himself to look at before he allowed his eyes to go up.
Up.
Up to his face.
How long did he stand there, staring at Yuki’s unusually colorless face? At his permanently closed eyes? At the strange angle of his head?
He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t blink, couldn’t think.
He stood there and felt his own life slip away.
His legs went weak and he felt dizzy.
Wrong. It was all so wrong.
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
Why was Yuki up there? What has he done?
He stood there, in front of the dead body of the person he loves the most in the world. The person he grew up with. His childhood friend. His best friend. His lover.
Nothing of that made sense. It couldn’t be true.
Yuki couldn’t be gone.
***
Uenoyama doesn’t know how Mafuyu was before that day, but there is no denying the light that once was in those big wide eyes is now gone. He has seen it, Mafuyu showed him some pictures. Pictures from his middle school days.
His stomach flinched with something he could only identify as overwhelming jealousy, as unbearable uneasiness. On paper he saw the proof that Mafuyu was once happy.
And in love with somebody else.
He saw that glint in his eyes and a smile that could melt all the winter snow away. But he was curious, he wanted to know the other version of Mafuyu he was never allowed to know, so he clenched his jaw and said nothing about his fear of not being enough.
***
Mafuyu wasn’t able to cry for a long time after that day.
He kept everything inside, stored in an unreachable place, and he said nothing. Numb and disconnected. Most of the time he wasn’t even sure of his surroundings, of his own actions.
Everything was just background noise.
His grief started to play tricks on his mind. It’s like he became unable to store new pieces of information, like his brain were stuck in the past and didn’t want anything to do with the present. Because the present was something he didn’t want to deal with.
A world without Yuki is not a world he wants to live in.
There are times he just wants to scream. Scream so loud that his throat will burn and his ears hurt.
Sometimes it is just too much and he doesn’t know how to shut his mind.
When being one in a room makes him feel lonely, but two feels too crowded.
When he wishes someone could listen to him, but doesn’t have the energy to actually open his mouth and let sounds out.
When he wants to feel better, but can’t and doesn’t really want to, because it feels wrong.
He feels so lost, as if he were drifting away in the middle of the ocean with no shore in sight.
He locked himself in his room, with a guitar he didn’t even want to see, let alone own; and a fluffy white ball as a dog he wasn’t able to take care of.
But then he met a boy who tasted like summer, and maybe the sun can shine even if it’s still winter. Because after a heavy snow, sooner or later, the sun will come out from behind those clouds.
You just need to be patient and wait.
***
Mafuyu laughs in a way that makes his heart flutter, but this is just a ghost of a laugh. He can’t even imagine how lovely and full of life it must have sounded long ago. How did Mafuyu’s voice sounded like when Yuki made him laugh? What sort of expressions did he wear when Yuki told him funny jokes?
Powerless. That’s how Uenoyama feels whenever he notices Mafuyu zoning out. Be it at band practice or at the stairs in the back of the school gym, Mafuyu sometimes seems lost. Where does his mind wander to in those moments, when he’s right in front of him but his eyes are somewhere far away? Does he think of the past? Or the future he once imagined he would have and that now he can’t have anymore? Would Mafuyu trade all of his days with Uenoyama for just one more day with his first love?
***
Singing on stage always makes him feel all raw and exposed. Vulnerable. He, who couldn’t utter a single word in front of other people, now pours his heart out in front of all those unknown eyes. Eyes he can hardly see because of the blinding spotlights. He lets them be part of his tragedy, his sorrow. He sings the words he wrote about his heart, about his pain. He feels emotionally drained afterwards. Wobbly legs and heavy eyes.
He remembers the very first time he sang in public, sharing the stage with the people he now considers as his family.
It was overwhelming, it was uncontrollable.
It was exactly what he needed.
His catalyst.
For the first time after that day, he could feel again. All the things he had been trying to suppress, all the things he had pushed in a dark corner of his mind, everything came to surface. His hands were shaky and tears had collected in the corners of his eyes. He could feel again. Could feel his never-ending love for Yuki and the chest-wrenching grief he was left with. Could feel all the shared happy memories tangling with the emptiness of the present.
He felt alone while knowing he wasn’t alone.
He met new people, they became friends, he was still worthy of love and friendship. And he met a new boy who could make his heart skip a beat.
Although Yuki wasn’t physically there with him anymore, although Mafuyu would have to walk the path of his life without him, he wasn’t alone. He had to hold on to this certainty. Had to hold on it with all his might so that he wouldn’t feel like drowning again.
Mafuyu loves to sing. Loves working on lyrics with Uenoyama and is mesmerized by the process it takes to create a new song. His eyes are full of admiration and respect when the three musicians of the band work their magic and transform his messy words and confused thoughts into notes and melodies. He loves being on stage with them and show the world what the four of them can create together. It makes him feel alive. As if life is still worth living, as if good days could still exist.
And sure, the adrenaline of a live concert is great and being in the spotlight while being cheered on alongside his members really do feel great, but at the same time it leaves him exhausted. The lyrics he writes and sings have a power on him. They force him to face his inner feelings, to give a name to the mess that is inside his head. It’s helpful. Writing is therapeutic and Mafuyu finds it easier to write lyrics than to express his thoughts by voice. It’s helpful, but it's draining nonetheless.
When he sings, he can’t stop the images in his mind. Images from his past, of him and Yuki together, of them as children, them holding hands and sharing their first kiss. Memories from that day.
He feels like choking and he has to unnoticeably shake his head as if to get rid of those images, so that he can keep on singing and not make a fool of himself in front of all those people.
***
He wouldn’t call it a sad look. The one on Mafuyu’s face is an absent, empty look, as if his mind were too focused on chasing after other thoughts to look at its surroundings. Too focused on chasing after a ghost.
When Uenoyama notices him like this, so lost and small in a too wide and suffocating world, he wants to reach out and hold him in a tight, warm embrace.
It’s alright. You’re not alone, we can hurt together. Share some of your pain with me. Maybe it won’t relieve yours, but it will be more bearable. Please, allow me to get closer to you. Allow me to help you.
A silent plea he is too afraid to voice.
***
“Hey, you there?”
Mafuyu sees a hand waving a few inches from his nose.
“Mafuyu? You there?” the concerned voice asks again.
He blinks a few times. He has to remember how to speak. “Yeah, sure, can’t you see me?” he plays it off with his soft voice and a friendly smile. He’s good at pretending, or so he thinks.
“Your mind is wandering somewhere else.”
Of course it is. How could is mind be present? If it were to stay grounded, the pain would be unbearable. It would choke him to death.
He tries to hold his gaze up with those blue eyes, but he can’t really see them.
That’s how things are. That’s how things will always be. Yuki is in his heart, as he was in the past. He will always exist there.
This doesn’t mean he can’t love again or find a different happiness again, but a place in his heart is saved for him.
And nothing can change that.
I’m sorry, Uenoyama, today is a hard day.
***
It’s the way he notices Mafuyu growing even more silent than usual, or the way his hands slightly tremble around the neck of his Gibson.
Yuki’s Gibson.
That’s how Uenoyama knows Mafuyu has had a long, rough day and wishes nothing more than to run away. Run away from everything. From people, from responsibilities, from his own thoughts.
Uenoyama wishes to tell him it’s alright. Mafuyu can run, but he wants to run right next to him.
***
It was a night just like this one. When Mafuyu’s world turned upside-down forever.
Unpredictable, devastating, stifling.
An image he can’t get out of his mind.
He always sees it, every time he closes his eyes, every time he’s in bed trying in vain to fall asleep.
Sometimes it happens when he’s outside, surrounded by other people. He’s riding on the train and he suddenly sees Yuki hung right in front of him. He can see his shoes at his face level.
One day not long ago, he was at school when a chair fell off. He immediately thought about the chair laying on the floor in Yuki’s room.
He couldn’t say a word for the whole day.
***
Uenoayama doesn’t feel confident. Everything about Mafuyu is new for him.
He has never been in a relationship. He has never even had a crush on somebody before! How is he supposed to know what to do, what to say?
He is scared to make a fool of himself. He has never been this self-conscious of his words and gestures. Being near Mafuyu makes him forget how to act like a normal human being, as if he were an alien on his first day on a new planet.
How do people in a relationship act? Is it like a friendship but with intimacy? Just the thought of it makes him blush. He can hardly hold Mafuyu’s hand without having an existential meltdown, let alone be intimate with him.
Maybe he wasn’t born to be in a relationship. Maybe he was better off alone, devoting his life to music.
How was Mafuyu’ and Yuki’s relationship? How far did they go? Is Mafuyu expecting things from Uenoyama and is disappointed because he isn’t getting any?
***
Never, not even once, has Mafuyu compared Uenoyama to Yuki.
The thought has never crossed his mind.
They are two completely different people, two completely different situations.
But he knows Uenoyama has. Uenoyama has compared himself to Yuki. Mafuyu can see it in the way the features of Uenoyama’s face often stiffen when someone mentions his name, or when Uenoyama struggles to attract Mafuyu’s attention when he is too deep in thought and a sad hue covers his blue irises.
How can he tell him he doesn’t have to?
***
Uenoyama steps out of the shower, small droplets of water hanging from his hair and leaving a trace on the floor.
He stands in front of the mirror and swipes his palm on it to get rid of the steam. The reflection it gives back looks so strange to him, so unfamiliar. His face scrunches.
What am I doing with my life? Why would Mafuyu stay with somebody like me when he had someone like... him?
A wave of frustration runs through his still wet body and he angrily ruffles his fingers through his hair, disheveling it in all directions.
He goes back to his room, locks himself him and sits on the floor with just a damp towel around his waist.
He grabs his guitar and spends countless hours picking at its strings with shaking hands, till his callused fingers start hurting and the beating of his heart goes back to a normal rate.
***
Mafuyu gets flashbacks from that day when he is less expecting it.
The fallen chair on the floor, the messy table, his lifeless face.
He can hear the last words they said to each other, full of anger and resentment, playing in his head over and over again.
I can’t live without you!
Would you die for me?
He has been regretting those spiteful words. Even in the moment he said them, he knew he didn’t mean them, he didn’t want to say them. But he was hurt, he felt left behind and he spitted those words he didn’t even mean.
He wonders if Yuki hated him, if he felt betrayed by the person who claimed to be so in love with him.
Was it his fault? Was he the one who killed Yuki?
What if he had arrived earlier? Could Yuki have been saved? Was it already too late or was it his fault?
Please, let’s go back. Let’s go back to that day and let me fix this. Please, this can’t be true. This can’t have really happened.
Let’s go back, I’ll be better, I promise.
Please, please, please.
***
Mafuyu makes his heart beat faster.
With those fierce words hidden behind a soft voice, with a stubbornness that is only apparently out-of-character from someone who looks so gentle and fragile. With his dedication to improve his guitar skills, trying and trying again until his fingertips bleed because his skin is not thick enough.
It’s the way Mafuyu boldly holds his hand in the middle of the road, as if it came completely natural to him, while Uenoyama can’t stop a deep blush from spreading on his face.
It’s the treasured memory of big wide eyes staring at him in admiration the first time he played a chord in front of him and that made him feel a whole new kind of warmth in his chest.
It’s the way he sings pouring his heart out. And yes, it does hurt when he sings of somebody else, but it’s heart-pounding nonetheless.
***
From time to time, Mafuyu sees Yuki’s smile in front of his eyes. That stupid grin that lit up his whole face.
He can hear him laughing and calling his name. That “Mafuyu!” full of love and youth.
Mafuyu smiles at those memories.
Yet, the first time he smiled after that day, he felt guilty. He wasn’t allowed to feel good, he wasn’t allowed to be happy again.
Yuki was gone, how could he smile?
***
“I will never be your first. I will never be like... him.” His voice is just above a whisper. Saying his greatest fear out loud is scary and he can’t even bring himself to look at Mafuyu in the eyes.
A long silence follows and it makes him feel uneasy and out of place.
“You’re right, he was my first love. I can’t deny that and I can’t apologize for that.”
Mafuyu’s honesty sounds almost cruel, or this is just how Uenoyama perceives it. He’s not saying anything wrong or mean, he is just stating the truth. Straight to the point.
“But does it matter?” Mafuyu continues, “Does my past matter, if I’m in love with you now? Isn’t it all that counts?”
And it is, of course. It is all that counts.
Uenoyama doesn’t know why not being Mafuyu’s first hurts so much. It’s his stupid jealousy and his stupid insecurity. Mafuyu chose him, loves him. Shouldn’t it be more than enough?
***
Tears slid down his cheeks. Sometimes it happens out of the blue, when he is playing with Kedama on his bed, or when he is riding the train. Suddenly his vision gets blurry and his eyes are filled with tears.
This is later, much later.
For the first year, he felt nothing.
Completely numb.
He didn’t shed a single tear.
Thinking about it now, why was he going around with Yuki’s guitar back then? It’s not just that he couldn’t play it, but the strap choked him and the instrument in his hands was too heavy. He couldn’t breathe.
Its weight was unbearable.
Yet he insisted on carrying it around, refusing to leave home in the morning without it.
Without him.
It was a burden, but it was all that was left of Yuki.
***
Uenoyama hears Mafuyu crying in his sleep, again. They haven’t spent many nights together, yet every time he hears him quietly lamenting or softly crying, he wonders if Mafuyu is chasing after someone in his nightmares, someone he can never hold again.
He swallows a lump in his throat and draws his small frame against his chest, wrapping his arms around him.
“You’re safe, I’m here with you” he sweetly whispers against his nape. He doesn’t want to wake him up, but still wishes his words can get through him. That his words can reach him in the dreadful world Mafuyu is now lost in.
***
Mafuyu remembers the first time he cried in front of Uenoyama.
After a particularly exciting performance they had at a live house, all the members of the band had decided to celebrate together at a steak restaurant.
They were all cheerfully talking and laughing, sharing their favourite moments of the night, when an abrupt thought hit Mafuyu.
Yuki should have been there. He should have been there to watch me. He should have been on that stage with me.
Suddenly, he felt as though his lungs might burst.
He excused himself and rushed out, taking deep breaths on the sidewalk, passersby eyeing him with curiosity and circumspection.
Uenoyama chased after him and pulled him in a hug.
“I’m right here. You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to. Just know that I’m here and you’re safe.”
He listened to those reassuring words whispered in his ear, but his eyes were lost, fixed on some point as if they could see something Uenoyama couldn’t.
“You don’t have to run away, you’re not alone.”
Mafuyu cried.
He cried so hard he was painfully sobbing, he cried so hard his tiny frame was shaken by tremors. Uenoyama shielded him from the people around them, trying to protect him from their enquiring eyes.
“Do you want to go back with the others or should I take you home?” he then asked, caressing the back of his head, when the sobs came to a halt.
Mafuyu was silent, unable to think, unable to take a decision.
“I’ll take you home” Uenoyama decided for him. “I’ll go grab your bag. Can you wait for me here?”
Mafuyu was still staring at the sidewalk, but nodded.
Uenoyama was his lifeline. He didn’t want to let him go. He was grateful for his constant support, for his silent unquestioning love.
It made him feel guilty, that unconditional love Uenoyama had for him. He didn’t feel good enough, he didn’t think he deserve it. Uenoyama loved him without asking anything back.
And there he was, still holding onto his past.
***
Sitting side to side on the same staircase where they met for the first time. Classes are over for the day, club activities are about to finish soon and Uenoyama and Mafuyu decide to spend some time there.
It’s quiet, and the sun shines through the tall windows creating mesmerizing colours on Mafuyu’s hair. It’s a warm shade of orange that always makes Uenoyama’s heart beat faster whenever he spots it down the hallway.
And besides, that staircase is their spot.
Uenoyama looks at Mafuyu clinging to the straps of his bag. Holding onto them as if they were the only reason he wasn’t drifting away. The only thing holding him into place.
He knows Mafuyu usually holds his guitar like that, with both of his hands around its neck, the guitar leaning on his chest as if he were hugging a person. He knows that and it makes his stomach churn, but it’s not like he can blame him for it. He understands, he really does. It just that sometimes it’s not easy to control your jealousy.
Especially if you’re jealous of your boyfriend’s first love. A first love that doesn’t belong to this same world anymore.
Uenoyama looks into his eyes, they are kind and gentle but look so lost. They are begging for a place to call home again.
His mouth feels dry and his eyes too wet.
“I’m sorry I’m not Yuki” he whispers. He really is sorry. He is not Yuki, he will never be him, he will never be good enough for Mafuyu. There’s nothing he can do about it.
He hates the way his voice trembles. And he hates himself for who he is.
Mafuyu stays silent for a few minutes, intently studying his feet. Uenoyama isn’t sure he will say something. He probably won’t. What could he say anyway? “I’m sorry too, because I want Yuki, not you?”
His heart hurts. And fuck, are those tears blurring his vision?
Why does it have to be like this? Why can’t he be enough? He wants to be enough for Mafuyu.
“Uenoyama-kun.” Mafuyu’s voice is so soft, it almost feels like a caress on the skin. Except he is expecting the worst, and his voice hurts like painful needles picking his arms.
He can feel his eyes on his face, piercing right through his whole being, but Uenoyama cannot reciprocate his gaze. He doesn’t feel worthy enough. What if Mafuyu has realized he doesn’t want to be with him anymore? What if he has realized Uenoyama is nothing more than a temporary replacement?
He can’t breathe.
He stares at the stairs in front of him.
He doesn’t want to hear the words he is about to hear, but he has no other choice. He is frozen on the spot.
“... I’ve never wanted you to be him” Mafuyu says slowly, his soothing tone perfectly fitting the silent space. “I love you because you are you. I don’t want you to be someone else.”
Uenoyama looks up at him, surprised and confused. He opens his mouth but doesn’t really know what to say.
Mafuyu leans closer and takes both of Uenoyama’s hands in his.
“I really like you, Uenoyama-kun” he repeats again with a sweet smile on his face that reaches his eyes.
Uenoyama lets out a long sigh, his shoulders relax. He can finally breathe again. He trusts Mafuyu and his words, he knows he would never say something he doesn’t mean.
He rests his forehead on Mafuyu’s shoulder. His sugary scent is the scent of home. Mafuyu is his home.
I should be the one comforting him, he thinks. I promise I’ll become a better boyfriend for you.
“I love you too.”
***
Each movement of the pointer on a clock is one second farther from Yuki. From the time Yuki was still there with him.
Mafuyu’s vision is blurry for how long he has been staring at the clock on the classroom wall.
It’s not the same Yuki had in his room, but it’s easy to pretend.
He had the same one in his own room. He threw it away soon after that day.
***
A small smile adorns Mafuyu’s lips but Uenoyama knows better. He has learnt to read the expressions on his face. There is still a long road ahead of him, but he has learnt a lot in the past few months.
He sits next to him on the gym floor, taking a break from the basketball match. He swipes the sweat on his forehead and gladly accepts the bottle of water Mafuyu offers him.
Their shoulders are touching and he wonders if Mafuyu is grossed out by his sweaty skin, but he shows no sign of aversion; on the contrary, he pulls a bit closer and Uenayama’s cheeks flush pink.
Thankfully, he can blame the game.
He utters a thanks and studies him from the corner of his eye.
There is an ever-present trace of sadness in Mafuyu’s smile. As if he couldn’t completely experience joy, or happiness. As if a part of him were condemned to be left behind, caged in the arms of a sorrowful cold winter.
He makes sure to teach him a new chord later that afternoon.
***
When he wakes up, in those few fazed seconds when the world is nothing more than a blurry vision, he imagines Yuki is right there beside him.
The comfort of his bed, the sheets tangled over his legs, it’s easy to pretend it’s human warmth.
The moment he has to let go of his illusion, the moment he remembers he has to face the real world, exhaustion takes over his body.
He knows he is stuck into the arms of a ghost.
But it’s his ghost.
He doesn’t want to let go.
***
Uenoyama looks at him with warm eyes and a fond smile.
He doesn’t know any other way to look at him.
Mafuyu is running towards the sea, not even bothering to take his shoes off or roll up his pants.
Uenoyama blinks to adjust his eyes to the brightness of the setting sun, slowly declining towards the horizon line.
For once, Mafuyu looks so carefree, that he can feel his heart swell up with joy.
It’s just them, the soothing sound of the ocean and a shared ice-cream that is slowly starting to melt.
This reminds him of the time Mafuyu took him to the ocean, all those months ago, when he saw him smiling for the first time. Back when he still believed Mafuyu looked so sad and lonely and couldn’t feel any other way. When Mafuyu confessed him his feelings with such ease and naturalness that his mind went completely blank.
He wants to treasure these moments and remember them for the rest of his life. Mafuyu’s white hoodie, the sound of his carefree laugh, the sparking water reflecting in his eyes, the kind old lady sitting in front of them in the bus. These small, minor details that make him feel alive. That make him feel like they are just two ordinary teenagers. And happiness just within reach.
***
From time to time, he still talks to Yuki in his head.
Silly little things. The funny shape of a cloud he saw walking home from school. A new ice cream flavor he tried with Hiiragi and Shizusumi. Sometimes he hears a new song and thinks Yuki would have loved it.
He’d like to tell him about Uenoyama. He thinks they would have gotten along, with their shared love for music. A healthy competition would have probably turned them into some sort of rivals. Mafuyu thinks it would have been interesting to watch their interactions.
A smile of fondness and bitterness appears on his face.
***
Uenoyama can’t fall asleep tonight. The rain is too heavy and the thundering continuously stirs him from torpor.
His mind goes back to the first time he met Mafuyu.
Sleepy and grumpy, he had made his way to his secret napping spot only to find the sleeping figure of a student. He had seen him a couple of times before, face familiar enough to know he was from class next door. He was dozing off with a guitar tightly held in his arms. His presence surprised him. The guy was so quiet, Uenoyama was creeped out, but couldn’t stay silent when he noticed how rusted the guitar strings were. His musician nature couldn’t tolerate something like that! Guitars must be respected!
And then, on the face of the guy whose name was still unknown to him, a new, unreadable expression had appeared.
“This... can be fixed?”
Thinking back to that moment, Uenoyama believes it wasn’t just the guitar Mafuyu was talking about.
He fixed his guitar, replacing those old ruined strings, and tuned it. What was the big deal anyway? He had replaced so many strings for his own guitar, why was the guy staring at him with such sparkling, starry eyes?
Uenoyama simply wanted to take a nap, was it too much to ask for?
***
Being with Yuki was easy.
There was no need for words or explanations. Yuki was always there, a constant presence in his life. They shared every moment, whether it was insignificant or not. Mafuyu didn’t need to explain anything when he was with him, because Yuki already knew, they experienced the same things firsthand.
The sense of mutual understanding has been there all the time.
They were both latchkey kids, and probably that was the reason why the bonding between them developed so naturally.
Nobody knew him more than Yuki. It was a safe, relieving feeling. When the whole world failed him, Yuki was there.
And now, the person who knew everything about him doesn’t exist anymore and Mafuyu is not sure if he has the strength to go through all of that with a new person. Having to tell about himself, to share the story of his family, to create new memories.
It’s tiring.
And maybe a little selfish, isn’t it?
***
He can still remember how annoyed he was the first time Mafuyu followed him like a faithful, scared puppy all the way to the studio. No matter how many times he pushed him back, Mafuyu wouldn’t desist. No matter how serious he was against Mafuyu’s request to watch and learn, Uenoyama found himself giving his best. He played his guitar as if in front of thousands of screaming, dedicated fans.
And before he fully realized, his head was already filled with Mafuyu.
***
The memory of Yuki is a warm embrace.
How they looked to each other; how Yuki would call his name from afar while waving his hand before running towards him because every second they didn’t stuck together was wasted. The way Yuki surprised him with a kiss under the first snowflakes of a particularly cold winter. The way they would hold each other hands while doing homework sitting never-too-close on Yuki’s bedroom floor.
All those years spent together, and what is left now are spare memories scattered around in his heavy-grieving mind.
***
The first time Mafuyu sang in front of him, there was a shift in the air. An electric current going through his whole body.
Rather than singing, it was more of a humming. Sitting in their usual sun-lit spot at school, trying to start a conversation about music, Uenoyama couldn’t utter a single word as he listened to that gentle, husky voice full of sorrow. His heart was beating like crazy and he couldn’t understand why. Not yet.
The words were then out of his mouth like a tornado.
“Will you join our band?”.
***
Mafuyu dreads the night. The moment he lays in his bed and it’s just him and his thoughts. All of his questions, all the images he wishes not to see ever again.
And when he starts to think, he cannot sleep. He cannot shut his mind, so the only thing left to do is to engage in made-up conversations with the ghost of Yuki.
All those late night talks help him to heal the wound in his heart. Even if it’s hurtful, even if it leaves him aching. He can sort through things, make order in his thoughts, pretend nothing is wrong and Yuki is really there, laying down next to him in the darkness of his room, willing to hear him out.
I don’t know where you are now. Sometimes I imagine you’re right next to me, looking at me going through my life. I need to know you’re still here somehow, or I’ll lose my mind.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry when I hurt you and I was too stubborn to apologize. I’m sorry I sometimes behaved like a spoiled child, trying to have all of your attention. But for me, you have always been the brightest star, and I wanted you to revolve around me, so that I could reflect some of your blinding light.
I have nothing to forgive you. I was never angry at you for what you did. I was angry at me. I still am.
I should have noticed.
It doesn’t matter if I was just a kid. I should have noticed your uneasiness and reached out. I shouldn’t have left you alone that day. Things would have been different, wouldn’t they? We would have probably made up as we always did.
I’m sorry, it’s all my fault.
Will I ever see you again? he gasps in-between sobs, voice inaudible to anybody else.
At least in his nightmares he can cry, he can talk. He can reach for Yuki. But in the real world, when he is wide awake, no words come out of his mouth.
One day he will be able to tell Uenoyama about Yuki. When the words won’t get stuck in his throat. He will be able to tell him about the beautiful person he was.
Because before being a trauma, before being the reason of so much pain, before being his personal tragedy, Yuki was a person. A real person, with real feelings, living in the real world.
He wasn’t just some ghost hunting Uenoyama and his self-esteem.
Mafuyu owes him an explanation. Wants to give him one.
Yuki will always be a fundamental part of his life, and if he wants Uenoyama to be part of it for good, Mafuyu has to share everything. He can’t hold back anymore. He can’t hurt Uenoyama with his silence.
***
Long ago, one night after practice, when a boy around their age approached Mafuyu, assailing him with questions, asking about “Yoshida’s guitar”, Mafuyu ran away without looking back. Uenoyama had no idea what was going on back then, he only knew the right thing to do was to run after him.
When he reached him, he thought Mafuyu was crying, with his eyes hidden by his bangs, but Uenoyama was surprised when he discovered a blank stare. Mafuyu looked so lost, so desperate. It was like he could feel his pain right inside his chest.
It was a new feeling, something he has never felt before, something he couldn’t entirely grasp. It was similar to the one that invaded him when he heard him humming on the stairs. What was that sick feeling taking hold of his stomach? It made him want to cry and to smash something to pieces at the same time.
He felt a sudden, overwhelming need to protect him, to understand him.
***
Mafuyu feels protected when he hugs Uenoyama.
There’s a beating heart inside his chest. He can feel it against his ear.
There is nothing that makes him feel safer that the beating heart of the person he is in love with.
Yuki. The boy he has once lost, the boy who will always have a safe place in his heart.
And Uenoyama. The boy who found him when he needed him the most, the boy with whom he was able to fall in love again.
He buries his face in the security of his neck and he feels at home again.
***
“Is it getting easier?”
Mafuyu slowly turns his head to Uenoyama. They are both sitting in the redhead’s room, one Friday afternoon. They are busy with their math homework, wanting to have it all done so that they can spend the rest of their sleepover with no other worries.
He doesn’t need Uenoyama to explain what he is referring to, he knows too well. Yet, he wasn’t expecting the sudden question and he drops his pencil on his book.
“Sorry, stupid question” Uenoyama immediately adds, fumbling with his hands, his head low.
Mafuyu hums as he thinks over his words.
“It is” he replies, much to their both surprise. “And it’s not at the same time.”
It’s difficult to explain. Even more for someone like Mafuyu who is not used to express his feelings out loud, who has grown up believing he had to repress his words and thoughts. He has to remember he is safe now, he’s with Uenoyama. It’s alright. He can talk.
But he can’t, not yet.
Because when he looks into his heart, it’s scary. It’s scary because he hasn’t been feeling so lonely lately and he is wondering if he is forgetting about Yuki. Is this how it’s going to be? Going on with his life and leaving Yuki in the past, like something happened long ago, like a distant dream? Mafuyu can’t accept it, doesn’t want to.
It’s wrong and it’s scary.
Is it selfish for him to wonder when he will feel happy again? If he is even allowed to feel happy again after such a tragedy. Will people judge him for it? Will people judge him if he thinks that it’s not so bad when Uenoyama is holding him, chasing his loneliness away?
***
“How can I compete with someone you’ve known for all your life?”
No matter how he looks into the matter, he can never reach Yuki. He grew up with Mafuyu, he was his first everything; who is Uenoyama in comparison? Just some random person Mafuyu met not even that long ago.
He nervously fidgets with his hands.
That feeling of unworthiness is still there, poisoning every cell of his body.
There’s no contest.
“You don’t have to” Mafuyu reassures him quietly.
Uenoyama swallows and bites his lower lip as he orders his thoughts.
“There is a part of you that is totally unreachable for me and it’s hard for me to accept that. I'm sorry, I know it’s a shitty thing to say but...” he takes a deep breath as he bashfully looks up to Mafuyu’s face. “I can learn. I want to learn. I want to cherish every part of you, even those that are hidden.”
Uenoyama is embarrassed, there is a flush spread on his face. He is not used to expressing his feelings out loud. It's something that makes him feel defenseless and exposed. But he’s in front of Mafuyu. He is allowed to be vulnerable, he is allowed to share his fears and doubts. Mafuyu won’t judge him for that. And they are finally communicating like they never did before. Communicating like two soon-to-be adults and this can only be functional to their relationship.
For Uenoyama, Yuki was nothing more than a name at first. He knew who he was, he had created a mental image collecting hints from all around him. He was nothing more than a ghost, hunting him and his self-esteem. You can’t compete with a ghost, can you? Then he saw him in pictures, pictures Mafuyu asked him if he was ok seeing, and he dumbly replied positively. That was the guy who was in love with his boyfriend, and that was the guy his boyfriend was in love with.
It’s not that he can hate him for that. He can’t hate someone who shared his same feelings. And he can’t hate someone his boyfriend is still so fond of.
He is part of Mafuyu’s story and he should accept it.
They love the same person and they are loved by the same person.
Still, there was something not quite right. A clench in his stomach, a knot in his throat, a slight tremble in his fingers.
What does Mafuyu see when he looks at those pictures?
And now that he can give a face to the ghost of that boy, he is not sure if he feels better or not. Sure, he can stop his mind from creating unrealistic images, but at least now he knows what he’s confronting with. Still, is it any better?
How was the texture of his light blond hair? How would his eyes come to life when he was with Mafuyu? How did his voice sound when he called Mafuyu by his name?
Uenoyama bites his lips. It’s too much. It’s too much for him. He’s only a teenager, he can’t be asked to face something like this!
No, he’s unfair. Mafuyu was a teenager too when he lost Yuki. If there is somebody who is suffering a too big injustice, that person is Mafuyu.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have...”
Mafuyu’s soft voice crushes his heart. Why is he apologizing? Has Mafuyu noticed his stiff reaction? He is the one who should apologize.
He shakes his head and grabs his hands.
“I want to know about him. Because he is important to you.”
Mafuyu doesn’t say anything, but there is a tiny nod of his head and an even tinier smile appears on his face.
“Please, never feel like you can’t talk to me about him, ok? I’m here and I’ll always listen to you whenever you feel like.” The hold of his hand gets tighter and Uenoyama isn’t completely sure if he’s trying to prove his commitment to be there for him, or if he is trying to reassure himself instead.
They both know it won’t be easy. It’s not easy for anybody, let alone for two teenagers. But they are still young and hopeful enough to believe that, as long as they stick together, their love can overcome everything.