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The stars twinkle through the gnarled canopy. White. Bright. Bathing the forest floor with iridescent light. You close your eyes and inhale deeply, savoring the scents of the forest around you. Caras Galadhon dwells behind you, sleeping and silent in the peaceful dark.
You are attuned to every sound in the deep wood, and as you filter through it all, you find nothing out of place or suspicious. But the disturbance of the wood is not of your immediate concern. There are greater trials and closer bodies that seek your attention other than the animals that softly move through the underbrush.
Haldir of Lórien is a beacon in the dark. You sense him before you see him, standing just shy of your right shoulder.
“The night is quiet,” he whispers.
You open your eyes, turn to face him. “It is indeed.”
Haldir’s gaze casually drops to your lips and then back to your eyes. A gentle heat radiates up your body to encompass you in its embrace. You have little control over your body’s reaction to him.
The answering of your flesh when he is in your presence is unfair. It is a cruel joke. You are promised to another, but not one of your choosing. If you had a choice, you would pick Haldir.
Always.
But that is not to be. That is not the path set out before you.
Him standing here next to you, alone in the gentle dark, is agony. The heat of him is so near, so alive that it sends your senses tingling with anticipation. The clashing beat within you is a deafening drum.
Can Haldir hear the racing of your heart? Can he sense your need and your aching tremble?
You hope he can’t, but you also silently hope that he does. What would he do then?
Haldir’s gaze finally leaves you to glance out into the wood. “We should begin the patrol.”
“Of course,” you murmur, inclining your head, allowing Haldir to take the lead.
He returns his gaze to you briefly before taking a step forward to walk between two trees. You follow him at a short distance, watching the distance, keeping a constant pivot. The two of you walk in relative silence, moving like phantoms amongst the towering trees.
At a small clearing, Haldir pauses. You cozy up beside him, a question starting to form on your lips.
“Do you remember this place?” he asks softly, gaze fixated at the center of the clearing. A sharp beam of moonlight illuminates the ground. The flowers glow under its lunar light.
You do know this place. On one of your many patrols with Haldir, he confessed his love in this very clearing. He held your hands in his, kissed your knuckles and each of your fingers. He whispered in a longing of gentle song that soothed your nerves and calmed your soul. In that moment, you didn’t want anyone else, you only wished for him.
But how things change.
“It is etched upon my heart,” you answer truthfully.
Haldir’s silver hair shines like starlight. “I’d like to stay here. My memories of this place are happy ones.”
The two of you have come to this clearing on multiple occasions. It is no coincidence that Haldir’s patrol includes you. He selects you on purpose, and you go with him willingly because you desire the closeness. It will not last forever, not when you’re promised to another.
“We can only linger here for so long,” you remind him.
Haldir sighs heavily, and turns to face you. He has always been stoic. Calm. Even in your presence, even when he whispered gentle words of love to you, Haldir never appeared…desperate.
The look on his face now is anything but calm. It is intense—a billowing storm tightly contained.
“Stop looking at me like that,” you murmur, startled by the sudden change.
Haldir’s gaze goes to your lips, lingers, and then flicks up to your eyes. “Why do you deny yourself what you want?” he asks.
You swallow and tuck your clenched fist behind your back. Haldir’s directness is too much. He knows that this is not of your own choosing.
“You cannot ask this of me,” you answer, hating yourself for sounding so weak.
Haldir entirely shifts his body in your direction. Taking a step forward, he moves into your space. Your back bumps up against the tree next to you. Haldir places his hand against the trunk next to your head.
You are trapped, but by all the stars in the night sky, you do not care.
His scent is woodsy and clean. You lean in a bit, inhaling, attempting to remember his smell since this might be your last opportunity to do so.
“You stay loyal to him.” Haldir bends at the elbow, pressing in. “And yet you know that he lusts after another.” The center of his brow furrows slightly. “Why not be with someone who will always worship you?”
Him. Him, meaning, your betrothed. The one you’re supposed to be with in the end. The selection made for you. This is an expectation placed upon you.
And Haldir is right. He does not love you. While you intend to be loyal in your upcoming marriage, you also know his heart will yearn for another. But you also yearn for someone else, and Haldir is standing right here, questioning all of this, wanting to know why you won’t pick him.
“Sometimes duty comes before happiness,” you reply softly, gaze cast downward.
“Does it?” he counters quickly.
You keep your face turned toward the ground. Stare at your feet.
The two of you have lain in this clearing, limbs draped over and around each other. There has always been closeness between the two of you. There has always been touching, skin pressed to skin, lips brushing but never fully meeting. Yet, the two of you have never completed the act itself.
That is binding. That is forever.
But you see it in Haldir’s eyes now as you sneak a peek of him. That desperate hunger. The desire to be with one person for the end of your days. It is an arrow through the heart, piercing and sharp and stinging.
You wish to satiated it, to admit to what you want most in this world. Because it is him. It is Haldir that you crave more than anyone else.
“I would be breaking my oath,” you reply softly, finally having the courage to look at him directly.
“Would you?” he asks. “You have made no vow. You have created no bond. The choice is yours. Utterly.” He gestures at himself with his free hand. “And I am right here.”
With a shaking hand, you reach up to cradle his cheek. Haldir turns into your touch, sighing gently, and that snaps your resolve, dissolves it like the winter snows melting in the sun. Haldir must sense the change, because the two of you meet, lips finally joining in what they’ve been longing for.
He tastes perfect. Wonderful. A match made for the ages.
Haldir’s hand upon the tree departs, leaving the bark to encircle your waist, to draw your body against his. You do not resist. You surrender to him, opening like a flower, wanting nothing more than to forget all your fears and sorrows in this little clearing.
The night is long, but it is not forever. For now, the two of you can have this.
Haldir drags you even closer, pressing you firmly against him as he learns the contours of your lips. His hands discover the planes of your body, and yet it’s not enough for him. Haldir is charged like lightening across the sky.
The two of you have been denying these mutual feelings for far too long.
This is a tremor. Earth-shaking. A star bursting into dust.
Haldir guides you to the center of the clearing, easily removing his cloak with one hand. He breaks away a moment to lay it down on the dewy grass, reaching for you the moment it fans out to hold the two of you.
You sink down with him, buckles and straps, and armor disappearing as you go.
It is everything.
It is nothing.
It is all you need in the gentle dark.