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Dan laid on the bed staring at the ceiling, the world seemed to be missing its color and he didn’t know how to get it back. Phil was gone, and it was Dan’s fault. He had finally had enough of Dan holding them back from coming out and he had given Dan an ultimatum. To come out or break up. Dan had choked, he felt the tears streaming down his face and he felt the words wanting to escape, to say “of course” to say “anything for you” to say “I never want to lose you” but instead nothing came out. No sound escaped for several minutes, until a silent whimper slipped out. When he looked up, Phil was gone.
Things were simpler in 2009 when they were internet nobodies, when Dan was just another uni student. Those were the days that made Dan fall completely in love with Phil; it was all of the small things that made him love Phil. When Phil still had his old one-bedroom flat, they slept in his tiny full-sized bed. It must’ve looked ridiculous, the two boyfriends were both over 6 feet and yet they laid completely entwined on Phil’s bed. Phil was the sweetest person Dan had ever met; Phil went out of his way to do nice things. He remembers the way Phil used to jump on Dan to wake him up, as Phil was always awake before Dan. Dan would push him off and groan at him to go away but then the older boy would just cover his face in little kisses and say teasingly “but Daaannnn, I made pancakes for you” They would race to the kitchen because they both knew that Dan would eat all of the pancakes.
He doesn’t know when they decided to keep their relationship a secret. They hadn’t planned on it, it had just happened. All of those stolen kisses and exchanged words in their videos had been edited out simply because they hadn’t thought it was relevant. Then the accusations had started, fans saying they had been lying about being together, that they didn’t care enough about their fans to be honest, it was so untrue. Then it had been Dan’s decision, he had a panic attack the night they decided to keep it hidden. All he could think is “They’ll think I’m a liar, they’ll stop watching me, I’ll lose my job, I’ll lose everything.” He couldn’t fight his demons. So he’d asked Phil if they could wait, and Phil had obliged because Dan’s happiness and mental health was what mattered, not the fans.
Dan had suffered from panic attacks since he’d started making YouTube videos, as much as his mind said to ignore comments that were hurtful; it was hard to actually do that. He saw so many comments every day; comments like “why haven’t you killed yourself yet you stupid faggot” and “these videos are so stupid a 5 year old could put them together” and Dan simply couldn’t take it. He’d never been one to take criticism well, whilst Phil was the opposite; Phil could brush off hateful comments like they didn’t even affect him. Phil had been there the first time that Dan had a panic attack. Dan had been staying at Phil’s flat (because really, when wasn’t at Phil’s flat lately) and suddenly hate was all that Dan could see. All of his comments on his videos, tweets about him, Tumblr posts; all of it was negative. Dan had curled up in his duvet and simply stared, nothing else. He’d never felt quite this awful, he was shaking and his heart rate felt like he was running a marathon. He vaguely felt tears streaking down his face but he wasn’t aware of anything. He’d heard a knock on the door before Phil walked in about to say something; then he saw Dan. Phil laid with Dan for hours after that, he’d told stories, he sung to Dan and rubbed circles on his back. Phil was still the only one who could get Dan to calm down after a panic attack.
Then the Valentine’s Day video had leaked and things got ten times worse. Dan hadn’t wanted to come out before, but he hadn’t been adamant about not coming out. The fans started leaking the video everywhere, he couldn’t even go on Tumblr anymore without seeing opinions and proof proving ‘Phan’. He’d distanced himself from Phil after that, on camera they needed distance between them otherwise it would encourage the fans, but soon that started to seep into their everyday lives as well. Dan started pushing Phil away in the tiniest of things. Their 3 hour breakfasts became fewer and farther apart, the late night Buffy marathons became memories instead of traditions. Dan would stay in his room all day, only coming out when he really needed something. They were just drifting…
Things started getting better before they got worse, they started becoming closer again. The gaming channel helped a lot; it felt like 2009 again, just playing video games in Phil’s one bedroom apartment. Dan slowly started to sit closer to Phil in videos again, and they acted like a couple again. Neither of them acknowledged the period of time in which they were a couple but they hadn’t really been a couple. Slowly they started acting like themselves again, Phil could make Dan laugh and smile when he was depressed about hateful comments, and Dan always made Phil laugh. For a while, things seemed to be getting better.
Phil is not on fire 6 was what finally broke them. It was Dan’s favorite to film since the first one because they weren’t worried about the viewers or about the feedback. They just wanted to draw cat whiskers on their face and remember what it had been like when they first met. It seemed to be a hit with the fans, everyone loved it and all the classic Dan and Phil innuendos and jokes and questions. A few days after pinof 6 Dan went on Tumblr because, well that’s pretty much what he does with his life. When he opened Tumblr all he could see was the phan shippers everywhere. Posts like “they don’t even have to come out anymore” and “It’s not if they’re gay anymore, it’s when are they going to come out” and Dan was freaking out. What would the fans think if they did come out? They would probably hate them for lying to them for 5 years, would they understand?
The flat was silent without Phil, all of the little sounds that came with living with him were missing. In the morning Dan didn’t wake up to the sounds of Phil making coffee or watching TV. He didn’t hear all of Phil’s funny and pointless videos like the furry dance conventions. Other things were different too, everything was lonelier. Dan especially missed Phil’s laugh, whenever he heard it he could see Phil covering his face with his tongue sticking out just barely; Phil’s laugh was one of Dan’s favorite things about him. The cupboards stayed closed without Phil there to leave them open, there wasn’t sugar on the counter. Phil’s door across the hall stayed shut because Dan didn’t want to be reminded. Phil’s classic “Hey guys!” was missing, and somehow the world seemed so much lonelier.
Dan didn’t bother locking the door, he just didn’t bother. After all, no one was going to come running to stop him, no one cared enough. Dan laid curled up on the cold tile, with two handfuls of pills. He was simply thinking; in the order of the universe he was going to die eventually. He just didn’t see why he couldn’t make that happen sooner than later, what was the point of holding on when life was this horrible? He hadn’t made a video since Phil left; it had been two months. He’d stopped eating two days ago, he didn’t have the energy. Dan opened his hand to look at the variety of pills; in a way, they were beautiful. All these multi-colored capsules could just take the pain away; he could float, he wouldn’t have to care. Dan glanced toward the door, maybe he expected Phil to be there, maybe he expected someone to be there; but they weren’t. That thought was the catalyst; that thought set him free. He took every last pill.