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The first thing that changes is a picture of Pam shows up front and center behind the resolute desk.
Eventually Pam learns that she has her own secret service code name and she’s not sure how she feels about that. She does know how she feels about Ellen, though.
She watched Ellen, fucking president of the United States and the love of her fucking life, come out on national tv, and she’s not sure she’s had a steady heartbeat since then.
Ellen visits as much as she can, but it turns out ruling the free world is quite a busy gig. So now Pam is here, at the White House.
Ellen arranged for marines to escort her from her very humble abode to the airport where she boarded a chartered flight to Washington DC. She was then escorted to Ellen’s not-as-humble abode, and has arrived in the residence of the White House.
She’d been there for approximately three minutes when the door burst open.
“I’m so sorry I kept you waiting,” Ellen said as she pulled Pam into a tight hug.
“Hi.”
“Hi.”
They share a quick soft smile before Ellen is speaking again, “I’m sorry, I can’t stay long. Please make yourself at home, the staff will get you anything you need. I will be back later tonight. Okay?”
There’s time for a short hand squeeze and a whispered “okay” by Pam before Ellen is being whisked off to see someone else.
—————-
It’s close to 11pm when Ellen finally comes back and winds down for the night. They silently get ready for bed, going about their separate bedtime routines. They’re finally able to lie down in the same bed without the pressure of it being the only time they can acknowledge their love for each other.
After sharing a couple of quick kisses, Pam thinks back to another evening they shared. “So, kissing girls wasn’t just a phase after all, huh?”
She didn’t expect the small smile on Ellen’s face to disappear as quickly as it did.
“I am so sorry.”
“Hey, Ellen, no..” Pam sits up and Ellen follows.
“No, I’m serious.” Ellen, suddenly feeling very exposed, grips the blanket a little bit tighter. She stares at Pam, desperate for her to understand. “I was just so scared and I hurt you. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone and I hurt you. We lost decades with each other because I wasn’t brave enough to just let you hold my hand.”
“I hurt you too..”
“No, it’s not the same. You hurt me because you loved me.”
“But we both hurt each other, and it led us here. To right now. We’re alive and together. We have to let go of the guilt so that we don’t lose another second with each other.”
Pam is finally able to pry Ellen’s hand away from the blanket to hold in hers. She dips her head down to make eye contact with the watery eyes across from her.
“You are the love of my life too, you know?”
Ellen can’t stop the small smile. “You know, when I was up there, floating with Deke, I told him that I was in love with you.”
“Wait, what?”
“Yeah.. we didn’t know if we would survive, and we were all alone floating through space. I told him that I was in love with someone and that it was you and not Larry. He didn’t take it well. He got angry and told me to never tell anyone else.”
“Shit.”
“Ha, yeah. That’s what I thought too.”
“I am so sorry.”
“You’re all I thought about up there. You’re all I think about all the time.”
Pam sighs. “It’s been such a long day. Let’s get some sleep.”
They lay down and immediately grab onto each other.
“I’m never letting you go again.” Ellen sighs. Pam grips her a little tighter.
———
It doesn’t take long for Pam to feel like she has for the past two decades. Ellen calls when she can, but that isn’t often. Obviously initiating communication with the President is difficult no matter who you are, and even more difficult when you just want to say “hi, I love you.”
She flew home after a few days in DC because her life doesn’t stop when she’s away. Now she’s just in Texas, watching Ellen on television, yearning to hear her voice and feel her touch.
It’s a cool night, so she sits on the porch grading papers for hours before finally resigning to bed at 2:00am. The phone rings approximately 45 minutes later and she very seriously considers ignoring it. Besides, she knows who it is and she is struggling to see the point. Logically she knows Ellen is trying her best, but her heart doesn’t understand. Emotions are complicated.
She eventually reaches over and grabs the phone.
“This is the White House operator. Please hold for the President..”
“Pam?”
“Mm.. yeah?”
“Sorry to call so late. This is my first chance to breathe.”
There’s no response. What is she supposed to say when all she really wants is to have Ellen here, now, with her?
“Pam, are you there?”
“Mhm.”
“Are you okay?” She can hear the concern laced through Ellen’s words.
“I’m okay.”
“Pam, sweetheart..” Ellen sighed.
“I miss you.”
“I know. I miss you.”
“It’s been days, Ellen. And I know it’s not your fault. You’re doing the best you can with what you’ve been given. You literally have the weight of the world on your shoulders, and I’m sad because not talking to you for 2 days makes me feel like we’re back in the Outpost sharing glances across the bar while you plan a wedding to Larry. But I miss you and tonight I’m sad about it.”
“I’m sorry.” Ellen sighs.
“No, no. It’s not your fault. We're doing everything we can. It’s just a lot.”
“I know.”
The silence drags out for a minute before Ellen sighs.
“I have to go and you should sleep.”
“I know.”
I love you, Pam.”
“I love you, Ellen. Please be safe.”
—------
Sometimes someone will knock three knocks on Pam’s office door or the front door to the house and her heart stops for a couple of seconds. It’s never who she hopes.
Except this time it is. Ellen is standing there on the front porch.
“Hi.”
“Hey.. what are you doing here?”
“I am not planning a happy-ever-after with Larry.”
“Ellen..” Pam sighs.
Ellen looks to the side for a second before turning back to Pam.
“The Secret Service would like us to move inside.”
Pam opens the door a little wider and steps to the side. Ellen walks into the house and is pressing a soft kiss to Pam’s lips as soon as the door is shut.
“I’m not planning a happy-ever-after with Larry. I want a life with you. The porch and the rocking chairs and the white fence. I want it all and I don’t want you to doubt that. Ever.”
“I don’t.” Pam sighed. “I was tired, and sad, and missing you. It was a moment of weakness. We will have the porch and the fence and the secret service agents.”
Ellen laughed. “They’re pretty good at hiding.”
They can’t stay away any longer and simultaneously pull each other into a hug. They both sigh and melt into each other.
“Please come back to DC with me.”
“I don’t know if I can. I’m still finishing the semester and grading finals.”
“You can grade in DC. You’re done teaching for the semester. Come back with me.” Ellen is practically pleading.
————-
She does go back to DC. She spends most of the next two weeks in the residence, grading papers, and watching Ellen in her element.
She decides one day that she was going to go out and explore DC. It’s been forever since she’s been on a visit and, if you ask her, she’s still just another tourist. She’s an anonymous visitor who happens to be sleeping at the White House.
Except she realizes that’s not true when she’s not allowed to simply leave the premises by herself. She mentions going out and if informed that she can’t do that without making a plan with the secret service. They have to assign agents to go with her and will need to know in advance where she was going.
The press hasn’t caught on to her relationship with Ellen. She still feels like a poet and professor with a girlfriend who is a bit of a workaholic, but she now realizes that’s not true.
Pam is still in the middle of this revelation when Ellen walks in the door.
“Hi.” Ellen whispers. “It’s been such a long day.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Mm, no. Let’s just have something to eat and relax please.”
Ellen takes off her shoes and blazer. She unbuttons a couple of buttons on her shirt and rolls up her sleeves. Pam can’t help but stare quietly.
Ellen continues the conversation without noticing Pam is not engaged. “What would you like to eat? I was thinking maybe pizza but the chefs can make pretty much anything..”
Still not getting a response, she asks “Pam, are you there?”
Pam shakes out of it and smiles. “Yes, yes. Sorry. Pizza sounds great.”
Ellen calls down the order. They talk about Ellen’s stressful day and Pam’s day spent writing.
Approximately 30 minutes later they’re both two slices in when Ellen finally asks, “are you okay? You seem quiet. I’m sorry I wasn’t around much today.”
“I’m fine!”
“Pam..”
“I promise I’m okay.” She reaches out to take Ellen’s hand. The physical connection between them has always been so important. “I was going to go out today because I haven’t been to the city for years, but I realized it’s a lot more complicated now with the agents and security. I still feel like Pam from the Outpost who is in love with Ellen Waverly. I forget that the world is different now and I can’t just go out to visit the Washington Monument.”
Ellen is quiet. Before finally gathering the courage to ask, “do you want to go back home?”
“No! I love being with you. I’m just still getting used to being with the president.”
“I know, it’s a lot. If you ever want to go back to Texas, please let me know. I don’t want you to feel obligated to stay here.”
“Ellen.” Pam shifts a little closer. “I love you. I want this more than I’ve ever wanted anything. It’s a lot to get used to, but I want to. For you. For us. It’ll be okay. I can see the Washington Monument another day.”
“Okay. I love you too. So much. Thank you for being here.”
“There is quite literally nowhere else I’d rather be.”