Chapter Text
Belly stepped out of the car, grabbing her bag and quietly thanking the driver. She was exhausted, mentally, physically, emotionally. Months of 2 AM tear-filled conversations, arguments, and couples counseling had just been delaying the inevitable.
She and Conrad were done.
It made her think back to her teenage years, after he crashed her first date, and picked at her insecurities, when she had wondered if ‘this was how all crushes die, with a whimper’.... The thing is, the ending of their marriage hadn’t been with a whimper. It had been hard fought. Dutifully searching for a resolution that wouldn’t manifest.
After Conrad began his residency, the subtle shifts in their relationship began to show the cracks. Conrad loved Belly, and she knew this, but he was busy all the time. And she had mostly known to expect this, the frenetic pace of him keeping up with rotations and studying for board exams. But in a flash, it seemed to take over their whole world. She moved out to California after his first year of residency to be closer, but it hadn’t seemed to really pan out that way. Or at least the proximity hadn’t seemed to increase their ability to spend quality time together.
And it didn’t really change after their wedding the following summer either. Or at least not for the better. Gone were the occasional day trips over the weekend and even simple romantic gestures. He was either away at work, or at home, but distracted and thinking about work. They had settled into a fairly basic routine, random dinners together here and there, errands, puttering around their apartment, and going for walks when he had the energy or interest. It wasn’t bad per se, it just wasn’t what Belly had envisioned for their married life. She had expected that day-to-day life would have some level of sameness and mundane routine, but she had also hoped for more excitement, more adventure. Especially since they were both still fairly young.
None of that bothered her too much, or at least she tried not to dwell on it, as she chalked it up to another new season of life. She told herself it was temporary and that one day, it wouldn’t be this way. It only really made her sad during the times she couldn’t help but feel they had become passing ships or roommates. She didn’t really have strong, long-term relationship examples to compare it to, and for some reason, she couldn’t bring herself to ask her mom about it. Was unsure how to ask if this was how all newlyweds felt.
She had made her choice, after all.
Ultimately, those things paled in comparison to what became the bigger issue– Conrad seemed to be constantly talking about babies. At first, Belly thought it was just him being sweet and supportive. He was always an inquisitive person, it was part of what drew him to medicine in the first place. So she thought he was just interested in what was going on with other people, how they spent their time, lived their lives. He would share stories from his colleagues, about taking their kids to amusement parks, or going out for beach days. Sometimes he would ask if they should watch a co-worker’s baby so that the couple could have a night out, which had annoyed her since they could rarely squeeze in date nights of their own. Before she realized it, these types of conversations were happening more and more frequently. One day, the question finally came–
“So, when do you think we should start trying for kids?”
Her stomach churned at the memory. The same way it had in the actual moment. As dread-flooded her body, she searched for the words. She really couldn’t believe they’d never discussed that. Was that even possible? They hadn’t dated long, before she moved, not really. Knowing someone your whole life cuts out on the need for long engagements. So how had this major life decision been pre-determined by both of them as forgone conclusions facing in opposite directions?
She had danced around the answer for months. Asking him questions instead, subtly changing the topic, desperately hoping to put this conversation on a distant shelf, like a book you always say you’ve been meaning to read and just never get around to….
One night, they were out having dinner with Agnes and her husband Darren. She had avoided befriending Agnes in the very beginning, but eventually, stepped aside from herself enough to admit that Agnes was sweet and smart and really nice. Her husband Darren was a playful guy, the type to compliment a waiter and end up making friends with someone while standing in line at the bar. They always had a good time hanging out together as a group, when they could find time for double dates.
She was glad that she had matured past the insecurity and pettiness of her youth, when her envy and competitiveness had made her mock girls and roll her eyes at anyone who received Conrad’s attention. And truthfully, she was grateful to have some built-in friends when she first moved to California, since Conrad and Agnes had both been matched at Cedars-Sinai.
Once they’d finished with dinner, they all walked to get gelato and there was a family getting their orders in front of them in line. Belly smiled at one of the kids, a little girl, who appeared about 8 or maybe 9-- she had glasses and long, brown hair. Belly was reminded of herself at that age, and she couldn’t help smiling warmly at the child. Since the line was moving so slowly, she decided to use the restroom and Anges joined her as well.
“Cute family in front of us, huh?” Anges asked.
“Sure….” Belly responded absent-mindedly.
“Conrad says you all might start trying for a baby soon.”
The world tilted.
Belly barely made it into a stall before she heaved the contents of her stomach.
Agnes had chuckled slightly while bringing her a tissue, “You aren’t already pregnant, are you?!”
Belly felt weak. This wasn’t going away. As she had a tendency to do most of her life, she ignored something until it was right in front of her face, leaving her no choice but to deal with it at the messiest possible point.
That night had been one of the biggest fights of their married lives. They’d had worse fights and harder moments in their younger days, but for some reason, as painful as those memories were, this felt so much bigger. Belly and Conrad, who got along well and rarely had major disagreements, found themselves at a complete and total impasse. The two had been seemingly made for each other and yet….
When they got home, she exploded. “Did you tell Agnes we were trying for a baby?” He looked shocked, like he was trying to figure out exactly which part of this might be surprising or upsetting to Belly. He had worked on his communication skills over the years. It was part of why he and Belly had been able to come back together in the first place. But he genuinely didn’t know why she was angry. Tearfully, Belly tried to summon a way to steer the conversation into a less tense exchange. As she sniffled, Conrad asked, “Belly, are you pissed because I was talking to Agnes about this, or like, that I shared our private business with her, or…”
“Conrad, I don’t. Oh my god..” the words exhaled, barely above a whisper. “I don’t think I want to have kids…”
Her words hovered for a moment.
“Are you…are you serious Belly? What are you talking about? Since when?”
“I don’t know. I guess…. It always seemed more like a maybe thing. Obviously, I enjoy kids, but it’s just not something I really thought about as a definite part of my future.”
And that conversation had been replayed, rehashed, reworded and dissected for the next 8 months. It never went anywhere because it turns out, some conversations have no resolution and can’t end in compromise. She talked with her mom about it a few times and Laurel was sympathetic, but also confused. Mainly, she had asked how it was possible they’d never have any conversations about this part of their future, this particular topic. Belly herself wasn’t even clear on it.
He had cried so hard the day he told her that he couldn’t stay with her if kids were off the table. Since she couldn’t assure him otherwise, that was the final fray.
And just like that, they unraveled. Invisible string disintegrated.
Shortly after he filed for divorce, she decided to go pick up the pieces in the one place she always felt the most herself. She’d flown to Boston, taken a bus, and then finally an Uber to get back to the Cousin's beach house. It was late, she was drained, and just wanted to go straight to bed. She assumed the house would be vacant, but now looking more closely, she was less sure. A light was on, near the living room. And another that seemed to be coming from the upstairs hallway. They had an alarm system, so she knew there was no way someone was in the house who didn’t belong there.
As she opened the door, she thought she heard noises, it almost sounded like someone moving a table or something. She couldn’t quite place it. Maybe someone had been hired to do work on the house. In reality, she didn’t always keep up on those details, as Conrad inherited Susannah’s Type A, control freak tendencies about home organization, contractors, etc. Maybe he’d booked a cleaning service and they had forgotten to turn out the lights or they were running late, or something.
Wearily, she kicked off her shoes and entered the kitchen, hoping that she wasn’t about to get surprised by someone, but also not in the mood to visit with a housekeeper or anyone else for that matter. Her head was throbbing, so she poured herself a glass of water, then took two pain relievers out of her purse, and started to swallow the pills when she began to make the sounds out more clearly. A gasp, and then a woman’s voice–
“Don’t stop…mmmhhh…mmmmhhhh..”
She dropped the glass.
As it shattered, she heard his voice, “Is someone there?”