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Shouto stares at the ceiling. He's been tossing and turning for at least the better half of an hour now. There's no particular reason, he just can't sleep.
He's about to give up and do something productive when there's a knock at the door — light, and hesitant. So quiet he wouldn't have heard it were he not listening.
No matter, it's not like Shouto was sleeping anyway.
He lifts himself from the futon and makes his way to the door. A quick glance at his phone, plugged in on the desk, shows it's 2:16 AM. He opens the door and finds Izuku on the other side, hair plastered flat to the sides of his head and sticking nearly straight up otherwise.
He stares blankly through Shouto's chest. It doesn't seem like he's processing that the door even opened.
"Hey," Shouto whispers, gently resting his hand on the door frame. He doesn't want to startle him, and he knows Izuku has a complicated relationship with touch. They both do. "I'm here, Izuku."
Izuku blinks slowly. His eyes refocus, then as they meet Shouto's, they tear up. He inhales sharply. "Shouto-kun. I'm s-sorry. I shouldn't have bothered you, I'll g-"
Shouto lightly blows over his face, gently brushing the hair away from his forehead, to stop that train of thought. It's one of the things he remembers his mother doing for him when he was young. The cool air always calmed him down when he was overwhelmed.
Izuku's eyes flutter shut, though none of the tears escape his eyes.
"My door is always open to you, Izuku," he reassures, and he decides to not mention how he was already awake. Izuku is too selfless sometimes; he'll probably fret over Shouto instead. He steps back, making it a point to let Izuku see into the room. "You can come in, if you want."
He observes Izuku's face as he nods, numbly. His skin is abnormally pale, causing his freckles to stand out harshly. Oil clings to his nose and skin below his eyes. He loosely grips Shouto's wrist as he steps inside with him, but he's gotten the far-away look in his eyes again.
Shouto has seen Izuku in terrible conditions before. The things he's seen Izuku experience are worse than he's seen anyone else in their class. But even under all the blood, sweat, and broken bones, nothing breaks the smile he holds for others. But this... this is a different type of broken. It's something easily hidden from others, something that beats you up inside. It's internal.
He would say he'd never like to see Izuku like this, which is true, but as it's inevitable sometimes, he can't help but be grateful that Izuku trusts Shouto to be one of the people who can see him like this. He'd rather have the chance to help him than be left unaware it was happening at all.
Shouto gently closes the door, and Izuku doesn't look up. Keeping his eyes on Izuku's face, gently lit by the moonlight shining through Shouto's open blinds, he grasps the hand hanging at his side. Slowly, gradually enough that he could pull away if needed. He brings it up to his own chest, pressed flat above his heart, beating steadily.
Shouto doesn't really know what he's doing. It seemed like the right thing to do, and judging by how Izuku turns his attention from a spot on the floor to his chest, it worked well enough. What's the term for something like this? Grounding?
The thumb on Shouto's wrist starts tapping in a pattern. It takes a moment for him to realize that it's echoing each beat.
"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to," Shouto mutters when he finally catches Izuku's gaze again, "but I'll always listen."
That pulls a small smile out of him, the corners of his mouth pulling up. His eyes get a little more light to them and Shouto counts that as a victory.
When Izuku talks, it's very quiet. "Thank you, Shouto-kun." He closes his eyes, breathing deeply. "I guess I don't really know what's wrong. It's not like I'm sad or anything, it's more like... the absence of? Any- all emotion. Usually, I feel so much, but now it feels like... I'm empty." He pauses, and the thumb on Shouto's wrist stills. He sighs. "I don't know. I just can't sleep. My head hurts too, but I know that's not the cause."
Without thought, Shouto pulls his arm away, and the look on Izuku's face makes him regret it. "I'm sorry," he tries to amend, "I just thought... would it help your head if I use my quirk?"
Shouto watches the recognition appear on Izuku's face before he nods as an answer. He brings his right hand up to the side of Izuku's head, softly running his fingers through his hair. His curls come loose from where they'd been pressed flat. He doesn't activate his quirk on his left hand, but he uses it to rub Izuku's temples on either side. Izuku lets out a long breath, eyes slipping closed. His hand remains pressed over Shouto's heart.
"Is that okay?" he whispers. Izuku nods again, breathing slowly. "I can get some ibuprofen from downstairs if you want."
He shakes his head. "I'd rather stay here with you... if that's okay." He blinks his eyes open and finds Shouto's, who is already staring.
"Of course it's okay. I'm just worried for your head."
Izuku smiles, a bit more than the last one. "I'll be okay. I've dealt with worse, remember?"
Shouto shakes his head but smiles all the same. "It's still painful for you either way. I just want you to be comfortable."
"I'm always comfortable with you."
He can tell Izuku means it, and Shouto feels the same way.
At one point Izuku's forehead gently taps against Shouto's chest, next to the hand that hasn't moved, accompanied with a small, "Is this okay?" Shouto hums in affirmation, running his fingers through his hair once more. He gets the urge to bury his face in it and finds he doesn't have the strength to resist it. It's soft, and smells like coconuts. He goes back to massaging his temples.
Shouto isn't counting the minutes, but they stand there long enough that Izuku starts wobbling on his feet. He stops his self-assigned task and cups his face with both hands instead, tracing the constellation of freckles with his thumbs. Izuku sleepily blinks up at him.
The silence is peaceful, but Izuku looks a few seconds away from falling right over. "We should lay down, or at least sit. Unless you want to go back to your room."
Immediately the hand over his heart clenches around his shirt. There's a frantic look in his eye despite the exhaustion taking hold of the rest of his body. "No, I want to stay with you. Please," he whispers. His now free hand lifts to grasp Shouto's wrist again.
Secretly, that was the answer Shouto wanted to hear, but he didn't want to influence Izuku's decision. He's happy, nonetheless.
"Alright," Shouto whispers in return. It brings a relaxed smile to Izuku's lips and he feels the corners of his own mouth pull up of their own accord. He can't help himself—he pushes Izuku's hair away and presses a firm kiss to his forehead, lingering for a few seconds.
When he pulls back, there are tears in Izuku's eyes again. Alarmed, he wipes them with his thumbs, searching his face. "What's wrong?" he asks. There's a bit more panic that makes its way into his tone than he meant to. His concern is met with a watery laugh.
"No, no," Izuku says through small chuckles, pulling his hands away to wipe his eyes. "Nothing's wrong, really," he reassures, "These are happy tears." He sniffs. And when his eyes blink up at him, they hold so much emotion that Shouto can't help but believe him. It takes less than two seconds of looking at that expression for a warm fondness of his own to bubble up in his chest, and he finds himself smiling once again.
It's a surreal moment, smiling at each other at a time nobody should be awake, and Shouto is filled with so much love that he's not sure what to do with it.
Well, actually...
"Izuku?"
"Mm?" The silence has broken, but the happiness on his face hasn't diminished in the slightest.
Shouto takes his time, tracing Izuku's face with his eyes; the freckles that seem to be found anywhere that exposed skin shows, the contrast between the greens of his eyes and hair when in shadow and in the moonlight, the dimples created when his mouth curls just so, the faint lines tears from moments ago left behind. He wipes them absentmindedly.
"Can I hug you?" He asks, and for some reason, he's not nervous.
Izuku's eyes soften. "Of course, Shouto-kun."
That's all he needed to hear. He pulls Izuku to his chest, arms around his shoulders, and squeezes. Before he even thinks about it, his face is back in the soft mess of curls. He feels Izuku's arms wrap around his back, tight, and he's at home.
He breathes deeply, in pure bliss. "You know, you're amazing, Izuku. I don't deserve you."
"No, Shouto-kun," comes the immediate reply, along with an unsuccessful attempt to shake his head, "I'm just grateful to have you." He squeezes tighter still, and Shouto relishes in it.
But it doesn't last much longer. As much as he would like to stay there the rest of the night, they should at least try to get some sleep. He gently taps Izuku's back to let him know he's pulling away, and he makes a small sound of disappointment but allows him to regardless.
"I know, I'm sorry," Shouto tries to console, "but we should probably get some sleep."
There's a moment after where Izuku says nothing, only watches Shouto with a small pout. He turns his gaze to the floor, shoulders sagging, and whispers, "I don't want to leave."
"Then don't," he says just as quietly.
He stays. They settle in Shouto's futon together, and it's familiar. Izuku takes the side closest to the door, and Shouto lies down beside him.
They never stay apart for very long when they do this. It's only a moment for Shouto to get settled under the covers before their legs are tangled together, arms wrapped around each other and seemingly blending into one being.
Shouto breathes a deep sigh, letting himself find home in the warmth radiating off of Izuku. As well as his quirk regulates his body temperature, nothing will ever compare to this, Shouto thinks.
He didn't realize his eyes had slipped closed until he opens them to look at Izuku. He finds his eyes staring right back at him, nearly glittering in the filtered moonlight, and just as beautiful as ever. It fills him with a different type of warmth, one that touches his soul. No, Shouto corrects himself, this is better.
He continues to study Izuku's face as the time passes. He seems to have woken up a bit since they moved to lie down. There is a slight curve to his lips that would suggest a smile, if not for it not quite meeting his eyes, and the small downturn of his eyebrows.
Shouto removes his right hand from where it had been placed on Izuku's back, and pushes the hair away from his forehead. He runs his fingers through to the side, letting his hand settle on his cheek. "What's wrong, Izuku?" Shouto asks softly. "I can see the thoughts swimming behind your eyes."
Izuku closes his eyes, laughing humorlessly. "Of course you would notice." He returns his eyes to Shouto and a fondness brings some warmth to his face. "You know me very well, Shouto-kun."
"Of course I do." Shouto smiles back at him. He rubs his pointer finger on Izuku's jawline, where it rests. He knows Izuku will tell him what's on his mind, once he gives thought to it, so he waits patiently.
Izuku's smile dims just a bit, and he averts his eyes to the window on Shouto's right. "I'm not ready for tomorrow."
Izuku continues to ponder, and Shouto runs his hand through his hair yet again. He activates his quirk this time, and he hopes the cold is soothing.
The far-away look is returning the longer he looks out the window, and Shouto tries not to worry himself. He does, however, find Izuku's left hand with his own and holds it gently in the space between them, intertwining their fingers. After a moment, Izuku meets his eyes again and rubs his thumb along Shouto's.
"Do you ever feel like time is passing too quickly?" Izuku asks, eyes full of sorrow. "Like you live life letting the time pass, thinking things will never change, but they always do. I'm so happy right now, Shouto. I'm so happy with you and all of our friends and classmates and I just can't help but think... one day it won't be like this anymore." Tears build up in his eyes, but he continues. Shouto continues to run his hands through his hair. "One day, we'll all graduate, and we won't have weekly movie nights again or study groups or even just getting to see each other every day in class." He sniffs, and brings his right hand up to wipe the tears that were starting to fall. He takes a deep breath, unsteady at first, but gets smoother once he lets it out. "Sometimes I wish I could just freeze time, or slow it down. I feel like it's all passing by me way too quickly and I can't seem to ever live enough. I look at my past and instead of feeling happy for the things I've experienced, I'm sad that I'm not experiencing them in the moment anymore. I don't know what to do, Shouto-kun."
Shouto gets the feeling that he's finished, and quietly contemplates his answer. He completely understands the feeling Izuku is experiencing, and he wants to give Izuku a response as good as his explanation.
"Yes," Shouto starts, catching Izuku's eyes. "I do get that feeling. That time is passing too quickly, and you don't want things to change." He pauses, looking at the stripes the filtered moonlight paints across the wall. "I feel that a lot when I'm with you. And when I'm with our friends." He meets Izuku's eyes again, holding his hand a bit tighter. He can tell Izuku is absorbing every word he is saying, and he thinks over what he'll say next. "But I think that wishing for time to stop, or for things to never change, doesn't give consideration to what the future may bring, and the new beauty and happiness that may come.
"I mean, when you look at the clouds, and see a pretty shape, do you wish to take it in your hands and keep it together? You can't hold a cloud. The shapes are always changing, and one day, they'll return to the earth in a spring rain. That is beautiful too. We won't be together in the dorms like this one day, that is true, but think about what could come in our future. Our class will be Pro-Heroes together, and even though we won't see each other every day, we will save people. Alone, and collaborating together, and that's just as beautiful. You may not be in my arms in the dorm rooms again, but maybe you will be somewhere else.
"Things change every day, but not everything. I will always care for you, Izuku, and so will all of our friends. You don't need to feel sad for not experiencing your past anymore, because we have so much time to make more, just as beautiful, memories and experiences. We can't spend time worrying about change when it's inevitable. No matter how much we may wish for time to stop, night will always fall at the end of the day."
Shouto finishes, coming out of his accidental stupor, and is shocked to find Izuku with tears streaming down his face, sniffling every two seconds.
He instinctively holds him closer, a little panicked. "Izuku? Are you alright? I'm sorry, I must have said something wrong." He franticly tries to wipe the tears as they come, but it's a fruitless endeavor.
One moment he is staring into Izuku's face, and the next it is nowhere to be seen, as Izuku nearly tackles Shouto in a hug. Well, as well as he can while laying down. It takes him a second, but Shouto returns the hug — happily, but with a little confusion.
"Izuku?" He prompts.
He shakes his head, and doesn't say anything.
Shouto gives him a second, relaxing into the hug and rubbing his back.
Izuku inhales shakily, and Shouto feels it from how closely Izuku is holding him. "Thank you, Shouto-kun."
Shouto tries to pull back and look at him, but it's of no use. "Thank me?" he answers aloud instead.
"Yeah," Izuku sighs, giving one last squeeze before pulling away just enough to meet Shouto's eyes. "I think I really needed to hear that." He smiles gently, and it's one that reaches his eyes. No matter his confusion with his tears, Shouto can't help but be happy at that.
He reaches to wipe the tracks left by tears that had finally stopped, and returns his hand to its resting place on his back. Their faces are so close their noses are nearly touching. Shouto doesn't want to disturb the bubble created around them by speaking too loudly. "Then I'm glad I said it," Shouto whispers with a crooked smile.
"Me too," Izuku whispers back, with no acknowledgment of the joking manner in which Shouto responded.
"We should really sleep now," Shouto whispers. He has no desire to close his eyes, with Izuku so close.
Izuku rests his forehead against Shouto's for a long moment, then returns to their almost-touching-noses state. "We really should." His smile softens, and it pulls at Shouto's heartstrings. He keeps his eyes locked on Shouto's.
Shouto grins. "Izuku?"
"Yes?"
"You do know you need to close your eyes to go to sleep, right?" Shouto whispers, despite having no intention of listening to his own advice.
Izuku yawns. "Yeah, I know," he whispers. He takes his left hand and caresses Shouto's face. Shouto leans into the contact. "I just needed to make sure you know how important you are, first."
Shouto blinks. "Important?"
One of his fingers starts tracing patterns near his cheekbone. "Yeah. Important," Izuku whispers, looking between his two eyes, before yawning again. "Now that you know, though, I think I'm gonna close my eyes." Izuku giggles a bit as he says it, and it's unbelievably cute.
His eyes slip closed, and Shouto rubs his back absentmindedly. "Okay. Goodnight, Important Izuku."
"Goodnight, Shouto-kun."
Gradually, Shouto can feel Izuku's tension leaving his body, and his breathing becomes heavy with sleep.
There are still dark circles under his eyes, and his freckles still seem darker than usual next to his paled skin, but there is a light rekindled beneath his soft expression, eyes closed peacefully with a hint of a smile, emitting from his whole being. And Shouto thinks, maybe this is enough. Maybe it's okay to not be okay, as long as we have each other.
He finds comfort in that thought. As he traces Izuku's freckles yet again with his eyes, hand softly caressing the small of his back, he finds himself looking forward to what tomorrow brings. And when the pull of sleep ultimately takes Shouto, the peaceful look he admired on Izuku, unbeknownst to himself, is echoed on his own.