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After the breakdown of her seven year long relationship, Lucy realised she lacked the ability to be on her own. She had slowly slipped back into old habits as she hadn’t been single since she was twenty four and back then she had been a bit of a player.
It meant that at thirty one, she found herself sleeping around as if it was going to fill the Keira shaped void in her heart. It wasn’t that she still had feelings there, she just wasn’t sure her heart could ever handle another break up, so she swore she would never put herself in the position to have to experience one ever again.
As sleazy as it sounds, she was sat at her best friends wedding, scanning the room for her next fuck.
“How many hearts have you broken recently?” Jordan asked her, interrupting her search.
Lucy shrugged, “dunno, couple probably.”
“You can’t keep selling girls a dream and sleeping with them only to never speak to them again.”
“No one has ever been good enough for me to want to speak to them again.”
"But they're good enough for you to use for sex?"
"Since when were you so morally sound?" Lucy questioned as her eyes flicked to a girl a few tables away, sat sandwiched between two of her England teammates.
Jordan followed her gaze, “not her.”
“Why not, she’s pretty.”
“She’s not the type of girl that would survive one night with Lucy Bronze, she’s too kind, too gentle, you’d ruin her.”
Lucy almost took the disapproval as a challenge. Over the course of the night she kept catching her eye, but looking away immediately before Lucy even had the chance to smile at her. She was getting impatient so decided to make a move herself.
“Be nice and keep it in your bloody pants for christ sake,” Jordan warned as she tucked her chair under.
“I’m going for a conversation, calm down.”
“I know what you’re like. It’s one girl that’s off limits, I’m sure you can easily find another.”
Lucy could, but she didn’t want to. And who was Jordan to dictate who she can and can’t sleep with.
“Lucy,” she said not actually needing to introduce herself as Ona had practically modelled her style of play off watching her.
“Ona,” she replied with an accent that Lucy couldn’t quite pinpoint to a country.
“Like your outfit, it's sick.”
"Gracias.”
Ah Spain, sexy, Lucy thought. Living in Barcelona for five months meant most of the girls she had been with had been Spanish and apparently the next one was going to be too.
"Eres muy guapa," she replied using her finest Spanish.
Pink blush settled across her freckled cheeks as she said, "no eres tan malo tú mismo."
The whole thing looked innocent to outsiders, but not to Lucy's friends, the England team had caught wind of her recent reputation. It wasn’t something she was particularly proud of, but she just couldn’t bring herself to commit for a few reasons. Partly for the fact that she wasn’t in the headspace for a relationship but also all of the girls she picked up in bars and clubs had ridiculous expectations. None of them were ever willing to accept the fact that for Lucy, football had to be top priority above all else and it was primarily why she dated within the football circles as they just got it.
As they chatted, Lucy’s arm was looped round the back of her chair, fingers just slightly grazing the side of arm every now and then. Both getting so close as they spoke their lips were millimetres apart and at one point, Ona could just about feel them brush together.
She wasn't stupid, she knew she was being romanced into bed but she had been single for so long it didn't matter who it was, she would have cracked for whoever had gotten to her first.
Lucy was smooth, Lucy was flirty and Ona was giving it back just as much as she was getting it. It came naturally though, easier than easy and not one part of it felt forced. Something was drawing them to each other and even though Lucy had been warned not to go there she still did - whilst Jordan was getting a drink at the bar and Alessia and Ella had left Ona’s side for two seconds.
“Didn’t think I’d ever bypass your bodyguards,” she joked as they stood in the lift.
Ona giggled, “I know, they’ve warned me about you.”
“And yet you’re doing it anyway, scandalous Batlle.”
She sure as hell felt scandalous. She wasn’t really sure what had come over her, but she was now in Lucy Bronze’s hotel room, pinned up against the door with her lips on hers, and her hands all over her body.
“Anyone seen Ona?” Tooney asked.
Jordan said through gritted teeth, “I’m gonna actually kill her.”
“Who, Ona?” she said, confused.
“No, Lucy,” which made all the girls on the table groan in unison in realisation.
There wasn’t a lot any of them could do to stop it now, they were all far too late as Lucy’s lips were already planting kisses in all the right spots as her fingers hit all the right places.
She knew exactly what she was doing and she was bloody good at it, evidenced by Ona moaning her name every two seconds. Although surprisingly, hearing it coming from her was different to all the other girls, it usually spurred her on but this time it almost stopped her dead in her tracks.
Making girls orgasm as a result of her touch was usually Lucy's idea of fun, but for some unknown reason the noises Ona was making caused her to have a full body reaction. Watching her with her head thrown back, teeth biting down on her bottom lip and eyes closed was thrilling, hypnotising even, to the point where she wanted to make her cum over and over again just to see that sight. And that was what she did, watching her squirm about each time never once got old.
Lucy woke up to her senses overloaded by the smell of Ona's perfume and the feeling of her soft skin against her own the next morning.
The first thing she noticed was the warmth of Ona who was half on top of her, but that wasn’t the most shocking part. It was the fact that Lucy’s arms were wrapped around her. Never had she ever woken up actually cuddled up to any of her one night stands and even in a relationship she was never the overly affectionate type. Her stomach actually turned at the realisation, but she forced the thoughts out of her brain, replacing them with how to broach the situation as it was new to her.
Usually she didn’t have to kick them out as she was sensible enough to go back to theirs, slipping out of bed and going home as the sun rose for whichever girl she had been with to never see or hear from her again. It was stupid really and she knew it, all it took was for one of them to recognise who she was and go to the media and her career would be a little fucked. But it provided her with an adrenaline rush that football just couldn’t these days. It wasn’t that she didn’t enjoy it, but playing on the same team as your ex for club and country hardly made for a fun time, she semi dreaded training sessions as they were always paired up being the only two English girls. It was always a little awkward knowing you’d been in a screaming match the night before but had to keep a poker face for the sake of the team. They hadn’t ended on bad terms necessarily, just sorting everything out had gotten a little messy. They were financially tied, they shared a dog and a house, and the whole thing felt closer to a divorce than a standard split.
Although Lucy didn’t even have to chuck her out as Ona had already been warned about Lucy’s antics last night before she had even stepped foot in her hotel room. In retrospect she probably should have listened when Ella had whispered a warning to her the second she saw Lucy giving her eyes across the room.
“I can handle myself Tooney,” she had replied.
Turns out she couldn’t as she found herself crying in the lift as she did the walk of shame, holding her heels in one hand, phone in the other. She didn’t have her own hotel room, she had no idea where she was going, and her head was pounding so hard trying to translate through her hangover.
Lucy had run into her own problems as she led in bed staring at the ceiling trying to silence the thousands of thoughts spinning around her head. Ninety nine percent of them were consumed by Ona's makeup smudged eyes and croaky morning voice.
Watching her leave she very nearly asked her to stay, but her brain just wouldn’t allow the words to leave her lips, no matter how badly her heart wanted them to. And the second she heard the door click in the lock she felt her chest ache and her breathing went a bit funny which she blamed on her hangover and ‘seasonal asthma’.
Although she only had two minutes to herself before Staniforth barged in, doing the rounds before she left for her honeymoon.
“Which of my wedding guests had the pleasure of being fucked by you last night then, Bronze?”
Lucy hadn’t planned a response for that, although she didn’t have to as she watched her hand fly over her mouth as she clocked the bright blue blazer on the floor that had been ripped off Ona last night the second the door had shut behind them.
“You did not,” she gasped.
Lucy pulled the duvet over her head as she mentally cursed Ona for forgetting it and for wearing such a recognisable colour.
“Lucia not her.”
“Why does everyone keep saying that?” she asked.
“She’s too good for you.”
“I am supposed to be your mate Stani.”
“I love you, I do, but she deserves gold, not Bronze.”
Lucy rolled her eyes at the terrible play on words, “she’s a big girl.”
“Yeah with a big heart.”
Both Lucy’s sighed at the same time for very different reasons.
Ona was aware that she was just another one of Lucy Bronze’s girls. But for the one night she had spent with her, she’d made her feel more special than all three of her ex girlfriends combined and as much has she knew it was probably an act, she felt there were little things that tipped it beyond being just meaningless sex.
The way Lucy had kissed her the next morning felt too relationshippy, it was like there were feelings channelled into it.
The way she looked at her when she was leaving, she never said it but Ona felt like her eyes were begging her not to go.
The way she had fallen asleep to her drawing patterns across her back and had woken up to her arms wrapped so tightly around her waist.
Lucy should win an Oscar for best actress if all of that was just a performance, and Ona would be the very first on her feet giving her a standing ovation because she had fallen for it, her stupid brain consumed by the woman for days afterwards. All she could think about was how her hands had been on her waist, in her hair, on her face. She had flashbacks constantly, her heart never aching for Lucy any less each time.
What felt the most unfair was it had been the best sex of her entire life. She thought it should be made illegal to have sex that good in one night stands, Lucy was setting herself up for failure as girls were bound to want more, Ona included. Although she could hardly complain as she knew upfront it was something she was only ever going to experience once, but she was now left with the fact that no one would ever compare, or be able to replicate the four earth shattering orgasms she had given her that night, each one just as intense as the last.
Lucy's own brain was filled with thoughts of Ona too. She had taken Ona’s blazer home with her and she wasn’t quite sure why she hadn’t just left it in her hotel room. When she unzipped her suitcase to unpack it, she was smacked in the face with the smell of perfume which transported her back a couple of nights. She took a hoodie out and pulled it over her head which now left her smelling overwhelmingly like Ona, it made her heart flutter but she blamed it on the red bull she had necked ten minutes ago.
She swore blind that there were no feelings there, but that narrative was getting a little hard to upkeep when Lucy had lost count of how many times she had opened the instagram app with her fingers hovering over the follow back button. Every time she reached the same conclusion, closing the app and clicking her phone off only to repeat the cycle an hour later.
Except this time the big blue button turned grey as the knock at the door made her dog dive off her lap causing her to hit follow back.
“Fuck.”
She could hardly unfollow now as she knew the notification would have already landed. And she wasn’t gonna message her either because that would give off the wrong impression, and saying it was an accident was hardly an option. Lucy convinced herself the whole thing was just a temporary blip, she’d be back to her normal schedule of bed-hopping soon, she was sure of it.
Ona’s phone pinged, ‘Lucy Bronze has followed you back’.
She dropped it and made no attempt to save it, watching as it clattered to the ground. Alessia picked it up shaking her head at the notification as she passed it back.
“What is she playing at following you on a Monday morning at 10am, do Barcelona just not train?"
Ona couldn't even respond as it had sent her spiraling, it was confirmation to her that she wasn't delusional in thinking that night meant more than just sex to Lucy too.
A few weeks on and Lucy was still a little hung up on Ona, so when a post of hers popped up on her timeline she double tapped it before even considering the implications. Justifying it with the fact that they were both footballers and she was happy for her winning her first game back after Christmas. A day later when she uploaded photos from the wedding Ona liked them, butterflies appearing in her stomach for the first time in years. In return she found herself liking every one of Ona’s instagram posts usually within ten minutes of them being posted. She hoped Ona would get the hint, but she never did and beyond that point, she never liked one of Lucy’s posts again.
But Lucy was relentless and every time her name flashed up on her phone, Ona felt another piece of her composure fall apart. Deep down she knew that she didn't want to get herself tangled up with someone so emotionally unavailable, and even though she so badly wanted to, she knew it wasn’t wise. The whole thing had disaster written all over it and she knew if she went there, the little crack Lucy had left in her heart was sure to turn into a full blown break.
It was now February and Lucy hadn’t slept with anyone in eight weeks, probably the longest she had ever gone without sex in most of her adult life, aside from her stint in Lyon where she had no choice due to the distance.
She had tried, but after being with Ona all of the girls she usually would have found attractive suddenly became very average. She wasn’t sure what it was about her as they had only spent one tipsy night together, but thoughts of her constantly swirled around her mind. Her shiny eyes, how soft her lips were, her dimples, how sweet she tasted, the feeling of her in her arms.
Right after the wedding Lucy had gotten drunk and kissed a few people but none of them gave her that feeling Ona had. She had well and truly broken her, because the entire time her lips were on someone elses, all she could think about was how they just weren’t Ona, and no amount of alcohol consumed could change that.
Lucy was in Manchester and so was Ona, yet neither of them knew it, both of their friendship groups respectively dragging them out to try and help them get over the other.
“You’ll never get over her Lucia if you never let yourself move on.”
Lucy downed the shots that Alex had pushed towards her for liquid courage, and finally decided to just kiss someone to shut her friends up. But as always, as she closed her eyes and leaned in, Ona’s honey brown eyes burned into her mind.
After she had pulled away from what had been a mediocre kiss, those same honey brown eyes were burning straight back into her own from across the bar.
It was first person she had kissed in weeks and Ona was there to witness it, you just couldn’t write Lucy’s life sometimes, she felt like there was always hassle where she was concerned, nothing could ever just be simple. The common denominator being her obviously, but it didn’t stop her feeling like everything was always stacked against her.
“Fuckssake,” she muttered.
Ona felt like someone had actually punched her in the stomach or shot her straight in the chest. She had no right to feel the way she did as they were nothing, they hadn’t ever been anything. It was one night at a wedding, no contact before, no contact after, it was as simple as that, except it wasn’t.
Ona was tangled in a web of feelings that were all based on an idea of Lucy that she had built up in her head which she had come to realise when Russo asked her, “have you not just fallen for a version of her that you’ve created that doesn’t actually exist?” which had been a smack to the face.
Lucy owed her nothing and she knew that, but it still didn’t stop her from feeling physically sick watching her kiss someone else. She wasn’t stupid, she wasn’t naive, Ona knew Lucy had probably slept with more girls than she had fingers since they had been together, but it didn’t make seeing it right under her nose hurt any less.
She ripped her eyes away from them, staring straight down into her now less than appealing margarita and no more than five minutes later was Lucy’s hand on her shoulder, her skin involuntarily covered in goosebumps as a result of her touch. Ona cursed her body for reacting that way, shrugging her hand off her arm.
“Not now,” she said refusing to look up.
“Let me explain.”
“You have nothing to explain to me Lucy, we had sex once two months ago we owe each other nothing. Who am I to police whose lips you want to kiss.”
“I do, just please-”
Ona cut her off, “I might have been stupid that night, but I’m not tonight. I don’t make the same mistakes twice.”
And with that she got up and walked away. She never looked back once but she could feel Lucy's eyes on her until she was out of sight.
Ona was never one to cause a scene, she despised confrontation especially in front of a group of both of their friends, but she was done being a pushover. She had allowed previous exes to walk all over her a little, but this didn’t make her feel remotely good, it only made her feel worse.
“Lucia Roberta," Katie said as she shook her head at her.
She looked at everyones horrified faces, “that looked worse than what it was.”
“Looked pretty bad to me,” Ella said which earned a series of hums of agreement from around the table.
Alex rolled her eyes, “why are you all being so dramatic they don’t owe each other anything. You’re acting like what she did was illegal, it was a sodding one night stand it isn’t Lucy’s fault the girl caught feelings.”
“I feel like I owe her something,” Lucy mumbled.
Alex smacked her arm, “I was trying to back you up.”
Lucy just groaned. This was exactly why she didn’t allow herself feelings anymore, her life was getting messy and she didn’t like messy.
That night Ona had gone home and cried into her pillow until she fell asleep, head pounding as she had. Both times she had seen Lucy Bronze in the last two months, she had left in floods of tears and if that wasn’t a sign she didn’t know what was.
Lucy walked into physio a week later and it was the last place she wanted to be knowing she would be interrogated.
“‘ello,” she grumbled as she threw her stuff down.
“Why are you so moody lately?” Mapi asked as Lucy sat down next to her.
“I think I’m having a midlife crisis.”
“What at thirty one? Are you planning on dying at sixty?”
She rolled her eyes, “third of a life crisis then, pedantic.”
“What’s caused this revelation?”
“I haven’t had sex in three months Mapi.”
“How dramatic, go and find someone then it’s not like you’re gonna struggle.”
Lucy shrugged, “can’t.”
“Why?”
“Can’t stop thinking about wedding girl.”
“Lucy Bronze…hung up on someone?”
“I know.”
“You never told me who she was,” Mapi hinting for her to spill.
“Yeah cos you’d slap me if you knew.”
“It’s that bad?”
“You dare say anything,” she warned.
“Just spit it out Lucia.”
“Ona.”
“Batlle?” Mapi asked, eyes wide.
Lucy just nodded, she couldn’t even bring herself to watch her reaction.
“Shit.”
“Shit indeed,” Lucy said before explaining what had happened last weekend.
“The bottom line is, you want her?”
“I think I do,” she admitted.
“Then you need to do something before it’s too late.”
As advised by Mapi, Lucy had sent flowers before her next game waiting for her at LSV.
Ona picked up the tiny card expecting a sob story but laughed as she read it, ‘I know you hate me but your blazer has been in my house for two months, come and get it or I can bring it to you. Chat and drink optional, but preferred. L x’.
She’d actually been gutted she had forgotten it, it was Massimo Dutti blue satin one, only £150 but still. She smiled knowing Lucy had taken it back to Barcelona with her rather than just leaving it in her hotel room. Ona couldn’t bring herself to bin the card, shoving it in her coat pocket instead.
She took the flowers home with her that night but every time she looked at the them on her coffee table she felt her breathing wobble. Ona had typed what left like a thousand different variations of the same message, never once hitting send, deleting what she had written every time. She couldn’t even bring herself to just send a simple thank you as she knew that would just open doors to other things. Her head knew she needed to get over Lucy, not under her.
Though she slightly regretted her stubbornness a week later when she received her blazer back from the wrong Lucy - Staniforth not Bronze like it was supposed to be. In that moment every bit of remaining hope she had left in her heart was stamped out. It was all her own fault really for never reaching out as Lucy had made the last move, leaving the ball in her court and Ona had left it there.
She thought that was the end of Lucy and Ona, not that there was really ever a beginning, but then she bumped into her in Spain on sunny day in the middle of March. Lucy walking her dog, Ona on a run.
They'd had a brief conversation but rather than just leaving it at that Lucy found herself asking, "d’ya want to get coffee?”
“If you don't mind the state of me then yeah that'd be nice.”
Cheeks slightly flushed, ponytail a little messy with baby hairs sticking up all over the place, but Lucy thought she looked pretty.
She should never have invited her for coffee really, it was stupid which she had quickly realised. She knew she was giving Ona false hope which was never her intention. Lucy thought it would be a good form of closure but it just made everything worse as it highlighted how out of control her feelings had gotten. Lucy hadn’t fallen in love in seven years and she wasn’t in love with Ona, but she was falling. She didn’t even really know anything about her which made it that bit scarier.
She knew exactly what sounded like when she moaned her name, but not where she lived.
She now knew her coffee order, but not her birthday.
She knew exactly what she looked like naked, but not what her phone number was.
It all felt incredibly wrong and Lucy for once in her life found herself wishing she had just listened to Jordan at the wedding and hadn’t gone there. She had done everything arse backwards and even if Ona ever decided to entertain a relationship with her, the whole thing would feel a little tarnished by the fact they had slept together four months ago and had been caught up in a trail of mess since.
Which is why Lucy sabotaged the relationship before it even had the chance to become anything, as they said their goodbyes, she promised herself never to contact Ona again. After half hour chatting over coffee it was abundantly clear she was too good for her and like Staniforth had joked, she really did deserve gold, not Bronze.
Ona never heard from her again after that day. She had messaged her three times since and Lucy had never even bothered to open them, nevermind reply. It somehow hurt her more than if she had just been left on read. Again, she was left picking up the pieces of something that she had never asked for. Lucy had invited her for coffee, not the other way around and yet Ona was somehow the one suffering.
Another two months had passed and it was now May. Despite being best friends, her and Jordan were never the type to FaceTime. They chucked each other a WhatsApp now and again but that was the extent of communication in their friendship, so when Lucy’s name flashed up on her phone she knew it was either by accident or an emergency.
“You were wrong.”
“What the hell are you on about?” Jordan asked, confused.
“It’s not Ona who can’t survive one night with Lucy Bronze. It’s me, I’m not the type of girl who can survive one night with Ona Batlle.”
Jordan shook her head, "you could have had her for more than one night if you had bucked your ideas up.”
“What when everyone has told me over and over that she’s too good for me?”
“She’s too good for fuck boy Lucy, not Lucy Lucy.”
“I don’t know how to be her anymore.”
“Yes you do.”
“Five months Jordan, five whole months I am practically celibate I may as well become nun or something."
“You need to talk to her.”
Lucy shook her head, “I’ve fucked her about too many times now.”
“If you’re still thinking about her after this long what does that tell you.”
Lucy didn’t even have the girls number and she wasn’t about to ask for it and get other people involved in her web of incompetency. But she also wasn’t going to dm her on instagram, that could be easily ignored. She knew that too well as she had unopened messages from Ona sat in her own inbox.
She had no idea where she lived and wasn’t about to stalk down all the apartments in Manchester to try and find her, so Lucy did what she thought was the most logical thing, she turned up at one of her games. She strategically selected a Manchester derby so people would just assume she was there in support of her old team - she wasn’t.
During half time Ona heard someone say, “Lucy Bronze is apparently watching, what the hell is she doing here?”
Ella and Alessia’s eyes instantly on her.
“Shit,” she spluttered out.
“Shit," they both repeated. They knew Ona was a little hung up on her even though she had never said it, it was obvious. Since the wedding she hadn’t been the same happy ray of sunshine that she used to be and after that night out in Manchester a few months back, they also knew Lucy was equally as stuck on her. But they weren’t meddlers so never said anything to her.
Ona felt ridiculous because she knew going into it Lucy Bronze only spent one night with girls, maybe two if you were one of the lucky ones. It wasn't like she was blindsided or coerced, she knew what she was getting herself into when she went back to her hotel room and it was hardly going to be for a drink and a chat was it. But the way Lucy had so painfully dragged everything out afterwards felt unnecessary, it was like someone was pulling a plaster off so slowly and Ona wanted her to just rip it off to get the inevitable hurt over and done with. She knew Lucy had no intention of ever being with her so why did she feel the need to pop up all over the place. Just as Ona was getting over her, she’d turn up again and the whole process would have to restart. It was easy when it was out of sight out of mind but when those olive green eyes were looking straight into her own Ona just crumbled.
Lucy crumbled too. Ona looked tiny and her eyes looked incredibly sad, not sparkly like they did five months ago and knowing she was the cause of that killed her. Seeing her stood in front of her in shorts and sliders with soaking wet hair dripping onto her hoodie, Lucy just wanted to hug her so badly but it would hardly be appropriate.
“Please can we do dinner or something I really want to talk to you if you’ll let me?”
If this was anyone else Ona would have told them to get fucked. She wasn’t a doormat, although she knew she equally as bad really, she hated herself for not just reaching out all those weeks ago when she had sent her flowers. The way Lucy was stood playing with her hands as she asked and the fact she had flown from Spain to come and see her made Ona's whole body ache.
“Wining and dining me isn’t going to change any of this. Just come back to mine.”
“Is that sensible?” Lucy asked.
“Do you not trust yourself to keep it in your pants for an hour? Because if that’s the case, the conversation is over before it’s even begun.”
Immediate knife through the heart for Lucy, Ona was still salty and rightfully so.
The entire drive was nothing short of painful, Lucy opened her mouth to speak several times but ended up closing it. She didn't want to make general chit chat before they'd had a proper conversation, but she also didn't want to have that conversation in the car either.
Lucy didn’t think her first time ever being in Ona’s house would be like this. She couldn't even bring herself to look around as it felt intrusive, her eyes were glued to the floor the whole time.
They sat on opposite sides of the sofa, Ona with her knees tucked up under her chin, arms wrapped around her shins. “I’m in negotiations with Barcelona,” being the first thing she blurted out.
“Oh,” was all Lucy would manage in response.
“If it all goes through I'll suggest they give you an award for the person who has slept with the most teammates.”
Lucy's heart panged with guilt. “Are we gonna make digs all night or are we going to talk properly?”
“I’ve tried to talk but you’ve shot me down every time.”
“I know and I was stupid.”
Ona sighed, “I’m not blame free either but I feel I am the lesser of two evils.”
“I know and it's no excuse but splitting up with the person you thought you were gonna marry fucks you up. But what fucked me up even further was finding myself with feelings for someone I barely know.”
Ona felt there was more to come so stayed silent.
“It’s scary for me, being someone who has survived solely on sleeping around to be thrown straight back into the deep end. After the night at the wedding I knew it would never be a one night thing and I never wanted it to be, I just couldn’t bring myself to do anything about it. I was petrified Ona.”
"Lucy," she practically whispered.
“It isn’t a sob story for sympathy it’s the truth. I’ve spent the last five months chasing the feeling that you gave me that night and I’m yet to find it. I haven’t even slept with anyone since you."
Ona nearly choked on her own spit at that, “what about that girl at the bar?”
“The whole thirty seconds I spent kissing her all I could think about was you.”
Ona sighed, “why didn’t you do anything about this sooner, we had coffee in March and you completely blanked me after that.”
“Because I know I’m not good enough for you. You deserve someone who has their shit together not someone who’s messed you about for months.”
“You could have stopped messing me about a lot sooner than you did.”
“I wasn’t ready, was lying to myself that this was a one off and it would fizzle out but it hasn’t,” Lucy admitted, messing about with the ring on her finger. “I barely know anything about you but I think about you all the time Ona.”
She wasn’t lying, even stupid things like when she made a protein shake her mind wandered to think about what Ona’s flavour of choice would be. She’d always had her down as a strawberry girl.
“Exactly and that’s the problem, you have already hurt my heart over and over and I don’t even really know you. Imagine how much worse it would be if I loved you, I just can’t allow myself to get deeper feelings than the ones I already have and risk that level of heartbreak Lucy.”
"I take that to mean you don't trust me?"
Ona shook her head, "how can I?"
She didn’t even make eye contact as she stood up, “if that’s how you feel there's no point wasting time going round and round in circles."
"Did you really think I'd just throw all my trust into you straight away Lucy."
"Obviously not but I thought you'd be willing to move past everything that happened. You forget you're no saint either Ona."
"I thought I was willing to but maybe I'm not."
"Text me if you ever change your mind,” was the last thing Lucy said before the door clicked shut.
"Oh fuck off," Ona muttered just loud enough for her to hear. It wound her up that Lucy left thinking she had the moral highground when all along she had acted with no regard for her feelings.
The hot tears streaming down her cheeks marked the third time Lucy had made her cry, even though this time it was just as much Ona's fault. She knew she could have handled the conversation better, but she was over the situation.
Lucy herself hadn’t expected to be leaving all loved up, but she certainly hadn’t planned to be left with just as much ambiguity as she did when she had arrived. They had gotten everything off their chests, but nothing was concluded, it was still up in the air. The whole thing felt like closure, but Lucy didn’t want closure she just wanted Ona, and the door that was half open now felt half shut after their conversation.
Her flight was tomorrow but the second she got in her uber she had him drive her to the airport, she couldn’t go back to her hotel knowing she was ten minutes down the road from Ona but miles apart in reality. She had taken Lucy’s olive branch, ripped it out of her hands and dashed it away and what could have been a fresh start was just yet another wedge between them. It felt like the universe couldn’t decide if it wanted them together or apart, as every time they made a little bit of progress it was snatched straight back.
“How was it?” Ella asked her the next day.
“Not good.”
“Did you want it to go that way?”
Ona could feel her eyes filling up with tears, “no.”
“What did Lucy say?”
“She wanted to make a go of it.”
"And you don't?"
"I did. But I don't even know.”
“If your feelings are that strong already what does that tell you Ona?”
She sniffed, “that I feel like I’ve cut my nose off to spite my face.”
“You haven’t, you were protecting yourself," Alessia said as she squeezed her hand.
“I’ll always look at it as what could have been and that feels worse than if I had just let her break my heart. At least I wouldn’t be left wondering.”
“You shouldn’t let what ifs stop you from trying if that’s what you really want. Lucy would hardly go to the lengths she has for you if she didn’t think it would go anywhere.”
Ona looked up at her as Ella said, “text her.”
Ona didn’t text Lucy, she text Aitana instead.
It felt rouge to just turn up rather than messaging, but honestly, Ona just couldn’t bring herself waste anymore time than they already had. The entire flight she spent rehearsing what she was going to say, although it all went out of the window the second Lucy answered the door.
“Ona,” she said softly.
There was nothing for her to reply really as turning up said everything in itself. Neither of them had allowed themselves to be the first one to break the cycle of stubborness until now, and the second they did they regretted not doing so sooner.
For the first time in six months Lucy stepped forwards and kissed her. Ona tasted exactly like she had remembered, sweet like strawberry lip balm and she sighed at the familiarity.
The second their lips had connected they had melted into each other. It wasn't comparable to the hungry, I have to have you now kisses that had preceded sex all those weeks ago. It was gentle and breathtaking and everything they had both built it up to be. Lucy's hands were cupping her face and her waist and Ona's were wrapped around her neck and all both of them could think about was how badly they had wanted this for so long.
"We could have been doing this for six months,” Ona said when they broke apart.
Lucy sighed, “we were stupid.”
"So stupid.”
They still didn't really know each other at all, but the kiss marked the beginning of their journey to get to that. This whole time, all of their emotions had been a bit of a blur, but one thing was now crystal clear and that was this was going to be special. The amount of feelings they had been harbouring for the other without actually knowing each other beyond surface level chat was ridiculous.
Ona had planned to stay with Aitana for the weekend, but Lucy had refused, she wanted to find out every tiny detail about her. So that was what they did. And as much as they wanted to, they didn’t allow themselves to have sex. Both of them agreed that it would be stupid and put them right back where they had started, instead they stayed up all hours chatting so much shit, cramming six months worth of getting to know each other into two days.
By the end of it Ona knew everything there was to know about Lucy, from the fact that she kept her ketchup in the fridge to what shampoo she used. Ona knew that her toothbrush was purple and the scar on her cheek was from when her brother had pushed her down the stairs as tiny children.
Lucy knew Ona to the point where she felt like she knew her better than herself. She knew that she wore the same pair of knickers for every game day and that she had a list of English words in her notes that she added to each time she heard a new one. In two days with Lucy there had been lots of additions with all her northern slang.
By the time she had to fly back to Manchester they felt like they had known each other their whole lives, it was scary how well they just clicked. They both left that weekend with the mutual feeling that it would be a lethal breakup if things didn't work out between them.
"Don't ghost me this time," Ona had joked when she left, and Lucy hadn't been able to wipe the smile off her face for the entire week that followed.
It felt like they were supposed to be together, even if it had taken them six months to realise.