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The day he met Her was the worst day of my life.
Now, I am not exaggerating or talking in hyberboles, it was truly, factually and undoubtedly the worst day of my life.
Xavier and I had been working together for a while now. We've kind of become a team over the years. We synergized, we filled each other's weak spots, we could practically read each other's minds on the battlefield.
If Xavier and I worked on a mission, it was a 97.85% success. Or at least, that's what the analysts say. I'd like to believe them. Their success rates are quite high as well.
In private, we shared a few hobbies. We liked checking out new and niche cafés that popped up here and there. We spend a lot of time on the flower fields outside of the city; watching, relaxing, caring. Xavier liked to use his evol to help the flowers grow, and I liked to help Xavier do exactly that.
My evol was enhancement. I could power up my allies, make technology work beyond it's own limitations. I was a battery and upgrade all in one. And together with Xavier's light evol, we were basically unstoppable.
Needless to say, Xavier and I? We clicked. On and off work.
And it came to no surprise - at least to me - that over the time that we worked together, I developed feelings for him.
I'd liked to think, I was inconspicuous with said feelings, burying them well and deep as to not harm our comradery or friendship. But every once in a while a coworker, or an old lady would point out something not so inconspicuous. Like a longing gaze lingering too long, or a heartfelt sigh a little too deep.
But as long as Xavier didn't realize, I was fine. I could live like this. I was happy to just be by his side.
Or so I thought.
After Xavier returned from a solo mission, clothes a little too askew, hair disheveled, eyes a little too distracted and a small, happy smile on his lips, I knew.
Something, or rather someone, must have happened.
And two seconds after Xavier walked into the room, She stepped in.
She was stunning. Beautiful. Gorgeous. So, so pretty. Her smile easy and warm, Her eyes glinting with a little mischief. She stepped into the room and the proverbial stage lights panned over to Her immediately. Her presence naturally pulled all eyes towards Her. She was effortlessly everything I had always tried to be. And more.
I saw how Xavier twisted his body just a tiny bit towards Her. His body language, his attention, his eyes - everything tuned into Her like an old radio to a station.
I could see the softness in his eyes and face.
Oh god, I was going to be sick.
It felt like a bucket - no, an entire public pool - of ice cold water was dumped over my head. I couldn't help but freeze and I also couldn't help the shocked twitch of my eye as I noticed all these things in seconds.
Her. Her. Her!
I couldn't even be mad at Her. Or him. Or anyone, but myself. I felt the little hopes I had tried to suppress wither away like a small flower that didn't get enough sun. I could feel the roots decay that had grown in and around my heart and I could feel it slowly crumble like dry earth.
I was seriously going to be sick.
Her laughter chimed through the room, as Xavier said some dry joke - I barely heard what it was, something something den of lions something something - before he gently pinched the fabric of Her sleeve to pull Her towards me.
I could feel my stomach churning.
"Let me introduce you to my good friend here.", I heard Xavier say, before She followed him.
God, why did She have to be so pretty?
I took a deep breath, trying to calm down the decay in my chest and forced a friendly, not-so-easy smile on my lips.
"Sup Xavier.", I could feel my eye twitch again as Xavier smiled, but not at me. At her.
"I'd like you to introduce you to someone." He gestured towards Her and began introducing us. Even Her name was pretty. It suited Her.
We shook hands and I welcomed Her into out little circle of friendship like I wasn't seeing the man I was deeply, irrecoverably in love with, fall in love for someone else.
And I did it with a brilliant smile.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Two months. Two months since the worst day of my life. Two months and the new Worst Day Of My Life was happening. Right in front of my eyes.
I felt like throwing up.
Xavier and Her have been getting cozy. Very, very cozy. They looked good together. She was so so so beautiful and he was so so so handsome, and together they were so so so radiant. Well, together as in No One Knew, But It's So Obvious.
Together as in It's So Painful To Look At Them Because It Felt Like My Insides Grew Thorns.
Maybe I should see a doctor about that.
I was doing some grocery shopping, enjoying the sun on my first day off in three months when I saw them.
Radiant and beautiful and gorgeous, right as Xavier handed Her one of our flowers. One that we probably grew together.
Her blush was so adorable, his ears also tinted bright red as he tried to hide the shake of his hand.
It was like a scene from a movie. A romantic, happy, Everything Goes Well kind of movie. Everyone Is Happy In The End kind of movie. Everyone But The Second Male Lead.
I could feel the urge to hurl.
I hid it with a cough, turned on my heel and walked the same direction I came from. My throat constricted, well, it felt like it and each step further away made my lungs struggle to breathe. Panic. Like a panic attack. Heh.
My steps felt a little robotic as I made my way back, through the park, along the riverside, and up the walkway towards the apartment building I took residency in.
My steps grew heavy as I stepped into the elevator, pushed the button to my floor and let out a heavy sigh, feeling my lungs once again constrict.
I coughed.
I should really see a doctor.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-
One week later I spat out petals. Pink, like the blush on her face when Xavier gave Her flowers. Pink like his lips as they smiled at the sight of Her.
They're delicate and almost see through, but they look a little crumpled as they tumbled out of my throat and from my lips. I pick them up as they fall to my desk, swiftly, so no one would see them, and stuff the into the pocket of my uniform.
Hours later, it clicked. I had coughed out petals. Somehow, these crumpled, translucent little petals had made their way out of my throat and into my pockets. I stared at them as I emptied my pants to wash them. They seem pearlescent in the artificial light of my bathroom.
I twirl one between my fingers.
Petals. From my throat.
I gulped and felt the heavy weight in my chest. It's been there for weeks now, but right now, it felt even more crushing. Soul crushing and heart devouring.
Petals.
Pretty pink petals.
I bite my lips and wipe them into the trash bin.
How absurd. Petals. Heh.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-
"We haven't hung out in a while." said Xavier to me the next morning. There is a permanent little smile on his face now because of Her, I'm sure of it).
"Hm-mh." I hum as I log into my work space and stick some post-its to different parts of my wall.
"Would you like to? Hang out, I mean." Xavier pokes my cheek, like he's done so many times before. He used to do it, when I was too distracted by boring desk work.
"Depends, what do you have in mind?" I said back and the smile I plastered on my face almost cracks my skin.
"We haven't visited the flowers in a while." he continued and cocks his hip a little. It left me almost breathless. It was painful, and my heartbeat pounded it my ears.
"Well, you were busy." I forced out with a joking snort and I could see his ears turn pink. Like the petals.
"Ah... yeah.."
His small smile makes me want to throw up.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-
They're always there now. The petals. Every breath lead to a cough led to petals spilling from my lips.
It was hard to breathe nowadays. Like my lungs lost capacity, or like something was squeezing the air out as I was about to breathe.
Seeing them both hurt. Every fiber of my being felt like it was on fire when I saw them. Happy, beautiful and radiant. They barely made an effort of hiding it. I didn't think they ever tried at all.
She had accompanied Xavier and I the day we returned to out flowers. They had shared precious, romantic and loving moments in the shade of the trees and lying in the sea of colors. And I had sat at the sidelines like some E-Grade understudy to an A-Grade rendition of a romantic movie.
I had made sure to enhance his evol, his light shining warm and powerful with my help, more so than usual, and She was in awe. Her eyes sparkled like the stars, Her smile had captured him and as he leaned down to press a kiss to her lips, I had to suppress the mouthful of petals that I almost threw up.
They were sweet. Beautiful. And I? I was miserable. I suffered and wilted and withered away. As if their happiness sucked me dry of mine.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-
My lungs stuttered now with every breath I took. My performance during hunts had declined massively and I had been taken off the mission roster when I had almost killed myself not being able to evade and recover quick enough.
I should feel bad about it, but I couldn't. It meant I wasn't seeing Xavier and Her excel in their teamwork, like I had once with him.
Instead, I was downgraded to pure paperwork. Filing, sending, organising. And no strenuous work.
Jenna's orders.
I could see in her eyes that she knew something was up, but she didn't care enough to ask private questions.
I should be more like her. Uncaring about my colleagues past work relation.
I wouldn't cough up flowers or feel thorns pierce my insides.
I had done some research. The library had an extensive catalogue on medical conditions.
It had taken me hours, but when I found it, I couldn't help but hysterically laugh. So hard that tears sprung from my eyes and petals spilled from my lips. So hard that the librarian hushed me several times.
Hanahaki.
Thought to be fictional as there were no recorded cases.
I had contracted a fictional disease. A fictional disease that would kill me for being in love with someone who loved another.
Thinking about it now, made me chuckle again. And chuckling made petals fall. Sometimes even a full flower.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-
"I'm not entirely sure I will be any help to you, but seeing as we are understaffed..."
Zayne sat down at the desk of the office. He glanced at me, to greet me I presumed, before turning towards my file on the data pad.
"So you are here because you have been... coughing up ... flowers." He said and I could tell he didn't believe me. Why would he? Hanahaki was fictional. Coughing up flowers was pure insanity.
I nod. "Yes. My own research said it was Hanahaki."
Zayne hummed before scribbling something down. It was so quiet, you could only hear the pen on the display of the data pad.
"Have you... seen a mental health professional?"
I shook my head no. Zayne heaved a sigh, before he got up and pulled the stethoscope from his coat pocket.
"Let me see for just a second."
-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Xavier must've heard from Jenna that I had been taken off the rota and - temporarily - off the team too.
And Jenna must've told him even more. Three days after my official diagnosis that was - yes, indeed - Hanahaki, Xavier knocked at the door to my apartment. I had opened it, assuming him to be my food delivery and almost chocked down a fistful of flowers when I saw him.
Instead, they just tumbled down my chin to the floor between our feet.
Xavier's eyes were surprised but serious as he pushed me into my apartment, rather forcefully and slammed the door shut.
"You..!" He growled. He was angry uncharacteristically. His usual chill demeanor made way to him. Fury simmered under his skin and his fists were balled, ready to explode at any second.
"Xavier..?" I managed to gasp out before another deep cough spilled more flowers between us. They joined the ones on the floor already. It didn't make sense to clean them up, with how much I was coughing nowadays.
My floors were littered with petals, like a romantic scene between lovers w as about to take place.
"How could you..!" He pushed me again, this time against the wall.
"You know that I love her, yet you... yet you.." Barely contained rage.
I stared at him. The heat and light from his evol burned in his eyes, smothering and burning me. I felt like I was suffocating from his gaze alone.
I push off the wall and turn my back to him as I walk towards my couch. I could feel a branch closing around my lung and squeezing. Another cough, another attempt to properly breathe.
More flowers.
I heavily fell into my couch, every bit of energy I had left seeping out of me and into the cool leather beneath me.
"Why her?"
Xavier walked towards me like a panther towards its prey. Lithe muscles flexing under the fabric of his clothes. His fists opening and closing and that heated glare-
"I don't love her." I whispered, my voice too hoarse to manage anything else.
"If that's what you think."
Why would he think I liked Her. She's not him. The thought never crossed my mind. I don't know if he thought that. But seeing how perfect She was, how beautiful, how kind, how funny and adorable, I wouldn't be surprised if he thought that.
"Never did. Never will." I looked up at him. The burning flame in his eyes slowly simmered down to barely a spark. His hands started to relax and his jaw - his magnificent, sculptured jaw - loosend.
"Oh."
I nod.
"Oh."
"Who?" He asked me. "Who is it then, if we hurry maybe we can help you. Maybe it won't be too late."
He sat next to me, fingers to his chin, thinking. His brow was furrowed, his lips pursed. He look so gorgeous like that. So cute.
Aches and coughs.
"No, that won't happen. It's a lost cause. I am a lost cause." I managed out, strangled breathing and some petals on my sweater.
"You won't know if you don't try!" Xavier pushed, his entire body turned towards me. His eyes were fiery again, but this time with the passion I loved him for.
I was a so so so lost.
I ignored him. What was I supposed to say? 'No, dummy, I love you and you love Her. See, lost cause!' Absurd.
I could feel Xavier's eyes on me, waiting.
"I'm getting the surgery tomorrow. I'll be fine." I lied and hoped, prayed, demanded he believed me. That this lie was convincing enough.
I'd rather die than miss feeling this way for him. I'd rather be in pain and die, than look at him and ... nothing.
Xavier seemed to have believed me since he sat back down and turned to face away from me.
"Oh." He intoned.
"Oh." I nodded. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the backrest of my couch. I could feel another cough and another branch in my chest.
"You should go. She's probably waiting for you." I mused and before I could even open my eyes and say goodbye, Xavier was gone. Only the disturbed air wafting over my skin and the sound of the front door closing was evidence that he was even here.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-
The breeze was nice. It carried the fragrance, although a very weak fragrance, from our flowers. It felt like a soft, fleeting touch. It caressed my cheeks and nose, ruffled through my hair.
The sun warmed my cold skin and made the flowers grow. I could feel them in my throat. Slowly creeping up, slithering over my tongue and poking out between my lips.
My breathing had already been irregular and arduous for a while. The past few hours have been strenuous. I had barely been able to haul myself to the flower fields.
It hadn't even been 24 hours since I last saw Xavier when the growth in my lungs accelerated. I could feel my end grow closer and closer with each tick of the clock and it had made me restless.
So, I had texted Jenna, thanked her for her leadership and asked her to collect my body after my passing. To tell everyone that the surgery failed, or something along those lines.
I thought about texting Xavier. About my feelings for him, about our friendship... but I knew I couldn't put the blame on him. And he shouldn't blame himself either.
He should have his happy end with Her.
Slowly, I felt my asophagus fill up with soft, pink petals. Flowers sprouting from the branches in my throat. My heart sputtered at a desperate attempt to spur my lungs on to breathe. Oh, how fruitless.
I lied down, the flowers around me almost felt like a hug. The sun warmed my cooling skin. And suddenly, peacefullness washed through me. My limbs relaxed, and my breathing stopped. I could feel my consciousness slip away. The edges of my vision were darkening.
Maybe I was even smiling.
And then I wasn't anymore.