Archive of Our Own

1

Lewis Hamilton’s first kiss wasn’t with a girl. 

He was 12 years old, karting all over Europe with his best friend Nico Rosberg, enjoying the thrill of racing and the care-free life, until Nico kissed him when they were at the backseats of Keke’s car. 

Keke was not there. He went outside to buy some stuff; exactly what Lewis couldn’t remember. 

He only remembered the shock, the softness of Nico’s lips, and the rapid beating of his heart.

“What are you doing?” Lewis asked nervously. He saw people kissing before, on TV or in real life, but he never thought about kissing somebody himself. And for some reason, he couldn’t help but feel they did something wrong. 

“It’s just a kiss, relax, man.” Nico laughed, “People kiss who they like and care about, like their friends and family. It’s normal. What, you don’t consider me a friend?” 

“It’s not that…” Lewis only felt more confused. He kissed his family, but never on the lips. He didn’t know why; it was just how things are. “I never kissed people on the lips before.”

“Yeah, me neither.” Nico’s eyes glinted, “because it’s reserved for someone special. You are my best friend; you are special to me.”

Warmth washed over Lewis’s cheeks, he only nodded. He guessed it made sense—Nico was special to him, too. There’s nothing wrong with kissing someone special. 

So, Lewis gave Nico a gentle peck on the lips as well, didn’t want to back down, didn’t want Nico to think he was nervous. 

But the next thing he knew, he was pushed down on the backseat, while Nico was towering over him. His lips smashed onto Lewis’s, and there was tongue, so warm and wet, tangled with his own, licked him in a way that made him buzz all over. He didn’t understand what this paralyzing feeling was, and he couldn’t stop his body from trembling, as if countless pieces of electricity went through him.

Then Nico started to touch him, brushed his fingers against Lewis’s hair and face, so gentle as if Lewis could break easily. Somehow, Lewis felt weak, as if he couldn’t control his body, couldn’t move away, couldn’t even kiss back. He found a little strength in his arms, but all he could do was weakly pulling Nico’s shirt. 

And amidst it all, it had felt good. It’s terrifying because he had never done something like this before, but it’s also exciting and Lewis wanted Nico to stop and continue at the same time yet couldn’t really decide.

He was consumed by everything that was Nico. He felt his uneven breathing, his similarly trembling body, and realized that Nico was just as nervous. It calmed him down and Lewis finally kissed Nico back, tried his best to awkwardly imitate Nico’s tongue movements. 

They separated briefly, then kissed again, and again, until Lewis couldn’t feel his lips anymore. 

“Nico…Your dad is gonna come back…” Lewis reminded him, tried to push him away, but Nico held him so tightly that there’s no room to escape. It almost felt like Nico intended to trap Lewis under him forever. 

Nico eventually sighed, bit Lewis’ lower lip one more time before letting him go. Lewis could feel his lips burning painfully, but that’s nothing compared to the burning of his face. 

Then Keke came back, looking at them through the back mirror, “You guys didn’t cause any trouble while I’m away, did you?”

“No, sir.” Nico answered nonchalantly. He looked towards Lewis, licking his lips, eyes growing dark. 

Lewis lowered his head, didn’t say anything. 

Everything changed from then on. 

Whenever they were alone, whenever there was a chance, Nico kissed him. He pushed Lewis onto whatever surface, or he held Lewis’s body tightly to his own, and kissed Lewis like Lewis was a full course meal and he was a starved man. And Lewis never said no, couldn’t say no, when those kisses left him weak and breathless, his body warm and needy. 

They started to get better at this kissing thing. Their tongue moved with confidence and force, their lips brushed together with rhythm, their bodies fit together like puzzle pieces. 

Naturally, everything became a competition. They started to tease each other, tried to dominate each other, and began to show more teeth. Who’s the more breathless, more disorientated one after a kiss? Who’s a more skillful kisser? 

But there’s one competition Lewis always won. They tried not to kiss each other for a while and see who broke first. Nico always was the one who couldn’t hold back any longer, grabbed Lewis and kissed him like no tomorrow, while Lewis giggled victoriously. 

“You lose again.” Lewis said between kisses, grinning smugly, “This time is what, 10 minutes?”

“Don’t care.” Nico murmured, paying his full attention to ravishing Lewis’s already swollen lips. 

This was probably the only competition Nico didn’t care. 

2

Lewis was in Nico’s house in Monaco. 

He was 14, already learned enough in biology class to know what was happening.

“Come on, Lewis.” Nico pleaded, arms surrounding Lewis’s waist while they lay on Nico’s bed. 

Lewis, with his back turned to Nico, could feel so clearly the hardness against his hip. His face burned with embarrassment, didn’t know what to do. 

“You can stroke it yourself! Why do I have to do it for you?” Lewis protested. 

“Because.” Nico’s lips were so close to Lewis’s ear, the hot breath made Lewis shiver, “It’s useless when I do it.”

“Why would I be any different?” Lewis questioned. 

“I just know, okay?” Nico puffed, “Aren’t you my friend? Shouldn’t friend help each other when one is in pain?”

“I doubt you are in pain.” Lewis mumbled, “Fine, let me turn around.”

Nico released his waist, and Lewis became face to face with him. Even in the dark, he could pick out Nico’s distinct features, especially his big stupid smile.

“Stop laughing, idiot.” Lewis rolled his eyes.

Nico’s hands were on his waist again, pulling him close, and Lewis began to blush like a schoolgirl. He didn’t know why—it’s just to help a friend with his dick, it’s not a big deal for him and Nico since they knew each other too well and seen each other naked countless times already. So why did he feel so bashful? Why couldn’t he meet Nico’s eyes when his hands found Nico’s hardening cock?

“Fuck.” Nico seethed when Lewis’s hands touched him.

“Feeling good?” Lewis started to slowly stroke him, observing Nico’s face with interest.

“Obviously. Faster.”

“Beg.” Lewis whispered. He just realized that he actually held so much power over Nico now. How could he resist the urge to tease him a little? 

“You can’t be serious.” Nico widened his eyes. 

“Try me.” Lewis’s hand left while he scooched farther away.

“Fine.” Nico pulled Lewis back frustratingly, “Please, Lewis.”

“And tomorrow you let me sail the boat.”

“That’s my dad’s yacht! He’ll kill me if it’s damaged!”

“I won’t damage it! I’m way better at sailing than you!”

“That’s not true!” Nico said indignantly.

“Fine, then masturbate yourself!” Lewis stuck out his tongue and turned around. 

Nico audibly groaned, “Only during the morning, when there’s less people out there.” 

“Deal.” Lewis happily turned back. Honestly, he thought he just found the best weapon to get whatever he wanted from Nico. 

His hand slowly stroked the shaft, up and down, sometimes gave the head a good rub. It was fine and normal in the beginning, but it started to get more uncomfortable as Nico started to moan. 

“Be quiet, Nico.” Lewis raised his head, face hot because of Nico’s strained voice and hot breath. 

“Can’t.” Nico grinded his teeth, “But maybe I can if you kiss me.”

“You are so spoiled.” Lewis rolled his eyes but leaned in to kiss him anyway. 

Nico cradled his head, kissed him back almost violently. He bit and nib and lick into Lewis possessively, almost made Lewis completely forget about the dick in his hand. 

Lewis moved his hand faster, while his heart sang because of the kiss, until Nico reached his climax. 

They separated, both trying to catch their breath. 

“That was…amazing.” Nico gulped, visibly shaking. He looked dumbfounded, as if he couldn’t believe that just happened.

“Amazing for you.” Lewis suppressed the need to lick his lips, amused by the pure excitement on Nico’s face, “I need paper towels, or wipes.”

“On it.” Nico grabbed it from the bedside, “Thanks, by the way.”

“Yeah, what are friends for.” Lewis said, quickly wiped away the semen on his hand, then he snugged closer to Nico and found a comfortable spot. 

The next morning, Lewis happily navigated the yacht, enjoying the beautiful sunlit sea and the gentle cold wind. 

“Happy now?” Nico pulled Lewis on his lap when Lewis walked closer towards him.

“Very. And look, I didn’t smash the yacht.” Lewis lay on Nico’s chest in searching for some warmth. 

“Only because I corrected your mistake. Is it so hard to admit that I know more about sailing than you do?” Nico smiled a little.

Lewis grinned, raised his head and saw Nico’s annoyed face, “Only if you admit I’m a better driver than you.”

“Now you are just being intentionally absurd.” Nico snorted.

“How am I absurd? I won most of the races last year—” Lewis protested but was quickly interrupted.

“Shut up.” Nico said dangerously, then kissed him with more force than necessary. 

Lewis slowly forgot whatever they were talking about as he was rendered a trembling mess in Nico’s arm. 

After the fierce kissing session, Lewis found the corner of his lips was bleeding a little. 

“Why did you bite so hard?” Lewis complained.

Nico didn’t answer. There’s something unspoken in his eyes as he looked at Lewis, mesmerized. He laced their fingers together and kissed Lewis’s lips lightly while licking the blood away, as if to apologize. 

3

Lewis was upset when he quickly climbed the stairs of Nico’s country house. 

They were 16 and having a party, celebrating Nico’s recent win. Lewis was behind a hundredth of a second, but that’s not why he was upset.

He was happy for Nico, of course. Even if they were competitors, Lewis would always be proud of Nico’s accomplishment. They drank, they sang, they danced, they talked about their future plans—it was a great party.

But when Lewis went for a bathroom break and came back, he saw Nico was kissing a girl. 

He didn’t know what he was feeling at that split second. He only knew that he wanted to run away. 

So, he did. Climbed up the stairs towards the second floor where no guest was allowed to go (he’s not a guest, he practically lived here with Nico). 

“Lewis, wait!” But Nico caught up to him before Lewis could close one of their bedroom doors, “Why are you leaving?” He entered the room and closed the door behind him. The noise of the party abruptly faded.

“I’m tired.” Lewis struggled to get his hand out of Nico’s grasp, “You should go back to the party.”

“You are tired?” Nico raised his eyebrows, “Ok, then let’s go rest together.”

“What—you can’t! This is your party.” Lewis panicked. He really needed to be alone for a while, away from Nico, and figure out why he wanted to be away from Nico.

“Most people are my dad’s friends anyway.” Nico shrugged, “Don’t really know them.”

“Not that girl.” Lewis mumbled, pushed Nico back, “You should stay with her, you seem to like her.”

“Vivian?” Nico blinked, “Yeah, she’s nice. But I’d rather spend time with you.”

“But you kissed her. You told me yourself that kissing is for special people.” Lewis was confused. 

“I didn’t kiss her, she kissed me. And it’s not polite to push her away…wait, are you jealous?” Nico asked, with a huge grin on his face.

“Why would I be jealous?” Lewis flashed, turned his back on Nico. What a dumb question. What is there to be jealous of? But that strange constrict of his heart when he saw Nico kiss someone else… 

Nico hugged Lewis from behind, “Don’t worry, you are still the only person I want to kiss, swear to God.”

“I am NOT jealous!” Lewis protested but let out a whimper when Nico began to kiss his neck, “Stop that, jerk.”

“And if one day I do kiss a girl, she has to be at least as pretty as you are.” Nico continued, ignoring Lewis’s outburst.

“What—I’m not pretty.” Lewis’s face burned. What was he talking about? He’s man, a man is not pretty. Handsome maybe, but he never really thought about his appearance too much. 

“Wrong. You are the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen.” Nico turned Lewis back around. Lewis cannot resist, following Nico’s gentle hands seemed to be something he never questioned a long time ago. There’s something fierce and intense in Nico’s eyes that Lewis couldn’t look away, couldn’t deny how they made Lewis’s heart beat faster than racing cars. 

Nico had always been the only person who made him feel this way. But that’s normal, he’s special because he’s Lewis’s best friend, right?

“What, you are not gonna compliment me back?” Nico teased when Lewis was silent for too long.

“Stop talking.” Lewis raised his head and kissed him. He seldom was the one who initiated kisses, but tonight he couldn’t help himself, couldn’t deny the urges to make Nico forget all about that girl. 

The kiss was gentle and sweet, unlike most of their kisses. Lewis almost melted in Nico’s arms, with his skin tingled and heart warmed. He wondered why they couldn’t always kiss like this.

Until Nico began to push Lewis back. Lewis was confused for a second before he suddenly hit something with his back leg and fell onto the bed, with Nico on top of him.

“What are you doing?” Lewis asked weakly. 

Nico didn’t answer, instead he kissed Lewis all over, on his eyes, his cheeks, his neck, and then…

“Nico!” Lewis almost screamed when Nico opened up his shirt and began to kiss his clavicle and nipple. 

“Trust me.” Nico whispered, while trying to pull down Lewis’s jeans and boxers. 

“Nico, I don’t think…” Lewis stopped Nico’s hand. They shouldn’t have sex. They were the closest of friends, but sex is something Lewis thought they drew the line. But at the same time, he never was able to say “No” to Nico, never could really contain the ecstasy of having Nico’s hands and mouth on him, never resisted the guilty pleasure of seeing Nico losing his mind because of him. 

“Come on, Lewis, I’ve been wanting this for ages. Do you know how hard it is to lie to everyone that I’m not a virgin anymore? Because it’s not normal to be 16 and a virgin.” Nico whined, licking Lewis’s lips with sharp teeth ready to bite.

“Fine. But you better be gentle.” Lewis gave in, as he always did.

And it was gentle, and amazing, even if it’s not perfect. They were inexperienced but so eager to try everything to please each other. They made a mess with the lube, and in the beginning, it was weird and uncomfortable for Lewis, and they giggled so much sometimes that the mood was entirely ruined.

But when Nico entered and thrusting, it was like a click with how their bodies fit together, how good it felt, how right it felt. Lewis had to bite Nico’s neck hard to suppress his loud moans, and he was pretty sure Nico left heavy bruises on his thighs. And when they kissed it was wet and full of desires that were so new and intense that Lewis couldn’t really think anymore. 

When they finally finished and settled down around each other, Lewis was both happy and worried that this would be their new norm. It always had; nothing was just for once with Nico. 

In the end, Lewis decided that as long as it didn’t destroy their friendship, it probably would be just fine. 

4

The first time Lewis learned what homosexuality is, he was 18.

Someone lost the race to him called him a “fag”. Lewis decided to just ignore them, when another boy punched them in the face. 

It was chaos for a second, as Lewis pulling that boy away to prevent further assault. 

“Why aren’t you angry?” asked the boy (his name is Adrian Sutil, Lewis remembered) later when the matter was settled.

“I’m used to it.” Lewis replied, “Also I don’t know what fag is.”

“It’s basically a homophobic way of saying you are a homosexual.” Sutil explained, “you know, as an insult.”

Lewis blinked, “Homosexual? Isn’t that impossible?”

“What do you mean, impossible?” Sutil raised his eyebrows.

“Like it’s just a saying. They don’t really exist.” Lewis said. He never heard of this word, never seen people that were homosexual, nobody around him ever mentioned something like that. If they exist, surely Lewis would hear about them in the news or books or something?

“Wow. You really need to do read more.” Sutil widened his mouth, “No, they exist, they are real.” Seeing Lewis’s confused face, he further added, “Like instead of a girl, a man would want to kiss a man, you know, have sex—why am I explaining this to you? Just go search on the internet.” Sutil’s face heated up a little, walked away angrily.

But those words left a heavy dent on Lewis’s heart. Wanting to kiss a man? Have sex? Wasn’t those what he did with Nico all the time? But they couldn’t be homosexual, right? They are normal, regular people, and they one day would get married to girls and have kids. You couldn’t have kids with two men, right? So, it’s completely unnatural and—

He was panicking, he didn’t know what to think, or what he was—was he a homosexual for doing those things with Nico? No, he only did those things because they were friends, as Nico explained. And those things had felt good, but that’s it, nothing more. 

But he was still restless. He went to a library to search for answers, but most of them basically gave the same explanation as Sutil did, no one mentioned that doing those with friends is not considered homosexual. But it had to be normal, because he and Nico were normal, right?

He had to ask Nico. He had more access to books and the internet, surely, he would find a good explanation for everything when Lewis couldn’t. He calmed himself down and waited until the next time he saw Nico.

Once they were alone, Nico hugged Lewis’s waist and tried to kiss him as usual. Lewis covered Nico’s mouth with his hand. He did not need a kissing session right now. 

“What’s wrong?” Nico was confused. Lewis almost never rejected him before.

Lewis didn’t beat around the bush, raised the question directly and immediately, “Nico, we are not homosexual, right? What we did—it’s normal?”

Nico was speechless for a while, which did not help Lewis’s anxiety level, “Nico! Say something!”

“R—Right. I was just—not expecting that.” Nico stuttered, “Why would you ask that? Did someone say something?”

“Someone called me a fag and—” Lewis’s story was rudely interrupted by Nico.

“He called you a what? Who? What’s his fucking name?” Nico looked like he wanted to murder. 

“I don’t know.” Lewis shook his head, “It’s not important—” 

“Of course, it’s important! Do you remember their clothes? Recognize any commercial ads on them? I’ll ask my dad to ask around—”

“Nico, let’s talk about this later.” Lewis sighed and ruffled Nico’s hair to calm him down, but heart softened with Nico’s concern. Ok, maybe he kind of loved it whenever Nico was protective of him, but now is not the time. “Sutil told me—”

“Sutil? What did he have to do with all this?” Nico was fuming. 

“Nico, focus!” Lewis had to slap him a little. He finally finished his story, anxiously waiting for Nico’s answer. “So, what do you think?”

“What I think…? Lewis, of course we are normal. Just because it’s not written about in books doesn’t mean it’s not. I mean, 20 years ago nobody was talking about homosexuals anyway.” Nico shrugged, “Besides, we know who we are better than anybody else. Do you really want to listen to what other people define us?”

It made sense. Nico’s words were exactly what he needed to hear, wanted to hear, and he felt so much better. Lewis released the deep breath he had been holding since that day, “Yeah, you are right.”

Nico’s hand crept up to his neck, gently rubbing it, “Good. Now just relax, let me make you feel better.”

Lewis let him. He relinquished his control and let Nico had his way with him, let Nico murmur different languages while fucking him without asking what he meant (Nico typically never told him anyway).

Lewis didn’t want to think about how he didn’t want anybody else to touch him like this, how he didn’t want Nico to touch anybody else like this. He suppressed those thoughts deep inside his mind, together with his fear and doubt, and let himself just enjoy what he had, for now.

5

Lewis opened his eyes, and saw Nico sleeping soundly beside him.

He’s 23, and he and Nico both were in Formula 1 just like they dreamed. Yesterday they shared a podium for the first time, and it had been everything Lewis imagined. 

It’s one of the happiest moments of his life. 

He got out of bed, ignoring the slight discomfort on his ass. Nico was a little too enthusiastic last night, Lewis thought as he examined his body that is almost completely covered in red marks. 

“Don’t go.” An arm surrounded his waist from behind.

“I’m hungry,” said Lewis, stood up and found some clothes anyway.

Nico whined, “So no morning sex?”

“Nico, don’t you think you are a little obsessed with sex? It may be a condition.” Lewis teased. 

Nico gave a big yawn, “I’m not obsessed with sex. I’m obsessed with you.”

“I’m flattered, but the answer is still no, at least not until I have some food in my stomach.” Lewis quickly ordered room service, then stepped into the shower. 

Nico soon joined him, and Lewis had to slap Nico’s hands away multiple times to prevent him from getting any ideas. 

Other than that, it had been a peaceful and uneventful morning. After breakfast Lewis was planning what they could do before the next race, while Nico was being an annoying ass that kept distracting him, until finally Lewis gave in. 

“You should feel lucky that you have great hair, otherwise I’ll definitely kick you out.” Lewis grumbled, hands deep in Nico’s golden locks. 

“Jealous of my hair?” Nico smirked, “Don’t worry, you have the exclusive rights to touch them.” He picked up Lewis and put him on the table. 

Lewis moaned as Nico entered him. With his back turned towards the window, he couldn’t help but feel a little worried (and secretly excited) that somebody would see him, even though their room is high up in the sky. 

“We should close the curtains.” Lewis remarked breathlessly.

“Nobody can see us, Lewis.” Nico kissed his neck, moving slowly.

“I know, but…” Lewis was unsure. They shouldn’t be this bold in the beginning. If any of Nico’s team members came knocking, they are fucked. 

“Or maybe somebody can.” Nico suddenly whispered, “Just in the other building across the street.”

“Nico, this is not funny.” Lewis tensed. 

“Really, then why you are tighter?” Nico thrusted harder, made Lewis almost see stars, “You are gonna kill somebody, you know? The poor soul across the street just wants a peak of the morning view, instead they saw you, yesterday’s grand prix winner, with your beautiful back arced and perfect ass filled with the cock of your best friend…what would people think, Lewis?”

“Shut up…” Lewis trembled with ecstasy, couldn’t deny how turned on he was of being seen, of being known .

“His dick would instantly be rock hard, maybe even falling in love with you. Because who wouldn’t, when they see how beautiful and slutty you are?” Nico licked and bit his earlobes, “Who wouldn’t want to fuck you until you are too weak to walk? Too weak to drive ?”

“Nico, I’m close…” Lewis whimpered. God, Nico was not even touching his dick, yet he was feeling a tsunami of pleasure, edging towards him.

“But nobody can, except me. Nobody else can see or touch you like I do, because you are mine.” Nico whispered, “Ich bin wahnsinnig in dich verliebt. Du bist die Liebe meines Lebens, ohne dich kann ich nicht leben, aber ich möchte dich ruinieren.”

Lewis came, so hard that he thought Nico literally fucked his brain out. His mind was completely blank for a second, until his euphoria slowly settled. 

He was still shivering a little when Nico pulled out. The German gently kissed Lewis, both were disorientated about how good that felt.

“Nobody saw us, right?” Lewis finally was able to form a sentence.

Nico laughed. He dropped a few kisses on his shoulders, “Maybe we should do it in more risky places. You clearly like it.”

Lewis blushed in shame. He had no idea this would turn him on this much, “Shut up, as if you didn’t get harder about it too.”

They cleaned up everything. As they did, Lewis looked out the window. The hotel they were in was the only tall building in the vicinity, Lewis knew that beforehand. He thought about Nico’s words, “What does those German mean?”

“What?” Nico blinked.

“The words you said during sex. Can you tell me at least for once? It’s unfair.”

“Maybe you need to learn German then.” Nico grinned, “They are just some swear words, don’t worry about it.”

They don’t sound like swearing, Lewis thought. But what else could they be? Like every single time, he put it in the back of his mind. 

Of course, he wouldn’t know that if he insisted or tried to understand those words, many things could be different.

6

Lewis was 26 years old when he was pulled out of a night club by Nico in a hurry. 

He wanted to look back, to search for his friend, but Nico told him it was too dangerous. 

Everything happened so fast. They were supposed to be celebrating Lewis’s victory, him and many of his friends including Nico and Adrian. 

Adrian Sutil, the boy who used to punch someone because they insulted Lewis, did it again for the same reason, except this time towards a person with higher profile and using a wine glass. 

“Is Adrian gonna be okay?” Lewis was worried. This could be serious, could even jeopardize Adrian’s career. If there’s something he could do, he had to prevent it. 

“He will.” Nico comforted him, “That guy deserved to be hit after what he said to you. If Adrian didn’t do it, I would.”

Lewis nodded. He didn’t want to remember what that guy said to him. The moment of panic, fear and humiliation made him frozen at the spot. He heard Nico’s murderous roar, ready to charge; then Adrian struck first with the sound of glass shattering and a cry of pain followed.

Months later, Lewis heard that Adrian would stand trial. He expected Adrian would call him as a witness. 

“So, you would do it?” Adrian asked with relief.

“Of course, Adrian. But you really shouldn’t defend my honor all the time.” 

“If I didn’t do it, Nico would. That would have been messier.”

Lewis paused, “What do you mean?”

“You know, because you and Nico are a thing? If he’s the one on trial, you could be forced to come out.” 

There was a deafening silence before Lewis could find his voice again, “What are you talking about? Me and Nico—we are just friends.”

“Seriously, Lewis?” Adrian sounded exasperated, “You don’t have to hide it from me. I won’t judge you.”

“It’s not about that. It’s just not true, we are not gay.” Lewis said, voice low but clear. His heart was beating so fast in panic, but he had to stay calm. He had to make Adrian understand.

“Lewis, friends don’t look at each other the way you two does.” Adrian sounds annoyed, “Why do you have to lie to me? I thought we are friends.”

“If you are my friend, then you would believe me when I say me and Nico—”

“I literally saw him kiss you in the restroom of that club.”

Lewis was silent. God, he knew it was mistake. He shouldn’t let Nico convince him that nobody would see. “Did anybody else see?”

“No, I saw it from the door gap, then I just stood in front of it to prevent anyone come near it.”

“Oh…thank you.” Lewis took a deep breath, “But…but Adrian, me and Nico really aren’t gay. We kiss just as friends. I know it’s weird…”

“You kiss as friends?” Adrian was confused, “What do you mean? You can’t kiss as friends. If you kiss like that, it automatically makes you not friends. The definition of the word ‘friend’ is that you don’t French each other, you don’t fuck each other.”

Lewis didn’t know what to say, didn’t know if there’s anything to say at all. He had always had doubt, confusion, but now Adrian’s words simply made him more puzzled and afraid. Exactly who and what was right? Who should he listen and believe? Because he didn’t know any better himself, never did. 

“Did Nico say those nonsense?” Adrian continued asking, “Did he tell you that you can be friends and kiss and shit? If he did, he just wants to get in your pants. He lied to you, Lewis, you have to believe me.”

“I think…” Lewis said, slowly and carefully, “I need to hang up.”

And he did. He dropped the phone on the ground, rushed to the bathroom and threw up. He can’t handle this anymore, about what is truth and what is lie, about if Nico had been lying to him for fucking years since they were 12, about if he’s actually gay and maybe—maybe was in love with an asshole and a liar.

In the end, he didn’t go to Adrian’s trial. He couldn’t face the consequence, couldn’t face him. The fear that Adrian would one day tell his secret to everyone ate him alive every day. 

He began to distance himself from Nico. It wasn’t that difficult since they were in different teams, and when they had to meet, he always found some excuses to avoid any kissing or sex. If Nico noticed Lewis’s purposeful avoidance, he didn’t say anything. 

Soon, Nico told him he was dating Vivan.

They spent less time together, and they never kissed or had sex or even touched intimately anymore. Lewis didn’t know if he should be relieved about this, but he was also afraid of admitting that he was hurt by it. Because if your best friend is falling in love, you should only be happy, right?

But all Lewis could feel was this hollowness that ate him alive every single second. 

He saw Nico tell her he loved her, whispered sweet nothing to her ears, and couldn’t help but feel a sharp pain in his chest. 

In the end, as he masked his jealousy with a perfect smile and told them they were a great couple, he realized that whatever he had with Nico had ended, disappeared as if it never even existed. 

Later Adrian called him a coward, said he lost any respect for him. And for once in Lewis’s life, he thought, maybe he really is a coward.

7

“What the hell is that?” Nico asked, teeth gritting. 

“What do you mean?” Lewis blinked.

Lewis was 28, and he and Nico were teammates. 

Of course, he didn’t do it because he wanted to become Nico’s teammate. In fact, he almost didn’t do it because he would be Nico’s teammate. But in the end, he had to leave McLaren and there’s no team to go besides Mercedes. 

They just finished an interview, and Nico popped the question as they went back.

“What you said back there, that you don’t remember how we first met, and acting weird?” Nico narrowed his eyes.

“I’m telling the truth.” Lewis pursed his lips. 

“Really.” Nico sneered, “When did you have sex with a girl again?”

Lewis tensed, “It’s none of your business.”

Ok, that may be a lie. He hadn’t gotten the time to recover from Nico and find a girl. But he would, soon, so it’s just a matter of time.

Nico looked at him, eyes darkened, “Well then, congratulations. I just thought that we are friends, and you would tell me if you were in love with a girl.” He almost spit out the word “love”, like he was disgusted by it. 

“It was just a casual thing.” Lewis lowered his eyes, kept spilling lies. 

That day he went back to his hotel, feeling extra tired and wary. He lay on his bed, crawled into a ball, shattering. 

It had been some time since he and Nico no longer shared a hotel room, yet he still couldn’t get used to it. He always felt cold during the night, searching for that familiar warmth which would always embrace him tightly, and those gentle German words which poured into his ears like liquid honey. He never understood what Nico was saying, and now he didn’t think he ever would. 

He couldn’t fall asleep, but he didn’t want to get out of bed either. Maybe he should start considering finding a girlfriend.

His thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door. Lewis looked at the clock. It’s 2 o’clock, who could it be? 

He reluctantly got out of bed, sneaked to the door and looked outside through the cat eye. 

It was Nico. Lewis was so shocked that he opened the door without a second thought. 

“Lewis.” Nico seemed just as shocked that he opened the door, “Why aren’t you sleeping?”

“Why aren’t you?” Lewis retorted.

Nico didn’t say anything. Lewis was getting nervous, so he cleared his throat, “Seriously, why are you here? Where’s Vivian?”

“Vivian is in my room sleeping. I don’t want to wake her up.” Nico murmured, “Can I come in?”

“I guess.” Lewis didn’t know what else to do. Why was Nico here? What did he want—

His thoughts stopped when Nico kissed him as the door behind them closed. Lewis was so confused and disorientated that he didn’t move a muscle in the beginning. But Nico was kissing him, so desperately like he would die without kissing him, and Lewis had missed it so much that he kissed him back without a second thought. 

“Miss this,” Nico whispered between the kisses, arms tightened on Lewis’s waist, as if he was afraid of losing him, “Miss you. God, you taste so good—”

Lewis hugged Nico’s neck just as tight. His heart pounding, hands deeply in Nico’s hair, just like before. How did he live without this for so long?

Nico’s hand moved to his ass and brought Lewis up a little so they could kiss more comfortably. Lewis’s feet were dangling in the air, and he truly felt like he was flying, in the clouds, full of happiness. 

And when the kiss ended, Nico put him down, and Lewis slowly descended to the ground. 

They looked at each other, really looked at each other for almost a year. Lewis noticed the dark circles under Nico’s eyes, noticed how tired he looked. What did Nico see in him? Did he notice how lonely Lewis was? How lost and afraid he was?

Nico caressed his cheeks, handled him like he was some precious jewels, “Did you…did you really let somebody else touch you?”

Lewis tensed. He stepped back a little, even if Nico still held his waist strongly, “You let somebody else touch you.”

“Because you started to avoid me, so I thought…” Nico stopped himself, “Fuck, Lewis, you know no one is going to be more important to me than you.”

“Do I?” Lewis bit his lips, knowing he’s being irrational, “I’m sorry I avoided you, it’s because…” Are we gay? Am I in love with you? Are you in love with me? “I’m afraid that people would suspect our relationship.” He couldn’t ask those questions, he’s not brave enough yet.

“Nobody would find out, we are careful, aren’t we?” Nico kissed Lewis on the cheek.

Is this the right thing to do? To just forget about Sutil’s words and pretend everything was the same? Lewis didn’t know, but he knew that he didn’t want to push Nico away anymore. So, he moved closer to Nico, “Prove it.”

“Prove…what?” Nico was confused.

“Prove that I’m more important to you, more than anyone, more than Vivian.” He knew he was being unreasonable, but he needed Nico to reassure him, needed to feel safe again.

Nico smiled and kissed him deeply. He picked Lewis up and went to bed.

They made love passionately many times that night, until both were too tired to move a muscle. When they woke up, they were still curling around each other. 

“You should probably get back to Vivian.” Lewis mumbled.

“I’ll break up with her as soon as possible.” Nico promised, and kissed Lewis tenderly.

8

Lewis was 31 years old when Nico broke his heart. 

They both knew that there’s nothing left between them. Not friendship, not teammates, not anything. 

For the whole year they fought each other. Nico became more and more agitated, angry and jealous. He somehow suspected that Lewis was sleeping with Sebastian Vettel, even claimed that Seb was in love with him. No matter how much Lewis denied it, Nico simply would not believe him. Lewis could feel the slowly growing hatred in Nico for him, but there’s nothing he could do. He couldn’t convince Nico that he and Seb were just casual friends, and he couldn’t just lose the race and let Nico win. And Nico always hated to lose. 

It's inevitable, Lewis guessed. They stopped interacting each other all together in 2016, and even before that their sex had become violent. There’s no tender touches, no small kisses, just rough handling and pushing and fighting. 

And Lewis was tired. Nico had become someone he couldn’t recognize. So, in the end, after a whole year of cold shoulders and heated gazes and snide arguments, it was over.

Nico left the team, left Lewis. Whatever that it was between them, whether it was love, whether they were gay, didn’t matter anymore. 

In a way, Lewis felt relieved. 

He saw Nico at the FIA prize giving gala. He was with Vivian again, and he also heard about their engagement. For some reason, Lewis didn’t feel jealous. He simply didn’t feel anything now. 

When the event ended, Lewis went ahead and congratulated Nico, “Congrats on getting everything you wanted.” He intended to walk away, but Nico stopped him. 

“You still have stuff left at my house.” Nico said, coldly. 

Lewis’s lips trembled, “Ok, you can send them to me…”

“Pick them out by yourself, or I throw them away.” 

“…I’ll come by tomorrow.”

Lewis was too drained to fight. He didn’t want to admit how hurt he was. He walked away, resisted the tears in his eyes.

The next day, Lewis went to Nico’s apartment, knocked on the door.

When the door opened, Lewis saw there’s a cardboard box near the door. “Is that my box?” Lewis asked, decided to pick up the box and leave immediately if Nico said yes. 

But Nico didn’t say anything. He dragged Lewis inside and pushed Lewis against the closed door. Next thing he knew, Nico was on him and was kissing him. 

Shock, anger and confusion swirling in Lewis’s mind, he pushed Nico away, “Are you crazy? What’s wrong with you?”

“What, no breakup sex?” For some weird reason, Nico did not seem fazed. He looked cruel, casual, as if sex meant nothing for him, never meant anything for him. 

Lewis could feel tears in his eyes again. Why did Nico have to do this? Broke his heart is not enough, now he wanted to stomp them to pieces?

“I hate you.” Lewis finally said it. He never said those words to Nico, not even in their most heated argument, most difficult night, because he couldn’t hate Nico—he loved him. 

How ironic, that in their most terrible three years, Lewis finally had the courage to admit that he was gay, and he was in love with Nico. But the moment he realized it, he knew it was doomed, knew this love would be crushed and threw away, knew it was pointless. So, he never said anything. And now, he never needed to say anything. 

Nico widened his eyes, body trembling. He didn’t say anything back. 

Lewis felt tears, slowly sliding down his cheek. He quickly brushed them away, embarrassed, “Goodbye, Nico.” He opened the door, picked up the box.

“Lewis.” Nico finally said something, “I didn’t get everything I want.”

Lewis paused only for a second, before he walked away. He didn’t know what that meant, and he didn’t care anymore. 

9

Lewis thought he would never love another person ever again. He didn’t know he would be proven wrong exactly in one year.

He was 32, celebrating his fourth championship. He was in shambles after Nico left, but he powered through, healed and thrived like he meant to be. By the end of 2017, he was finally happy again. His life was back on track, and he made some new and better friends. 

Of course, his title celebration was featured on those friends. They sent him praises and wines and flowers, he even got a sincere congratulation from his title rival Seb. 

“Thank you.” By then Lewis was already too drunk to think straight, had no filters, and said directly what was on his mind, “You are a much better rival than Nico.”

The moment he said those things out loud, he regretted it. He froze, and he could see Seb froze, too. 

“I didn’t mean—sorry.” Lewis murmured, didn’t know what else to say.

“It’s ok,” said Seb. He walked away quickly, disappeared into the crowd. 

Lewis didn’t have much spirit to celebrate after that. Eventually, he stumbled across the club, trying to find the exit. 

“Where are you going?” Somebody asked him.

“Home.” Lewis said, looking around, “How do I get out of here?”

“Let me help you.” That person said. They pulled Lewis up to his feet and helped him leave the club. He could smell the fresh air and hear the roaring of passing cars. 

Soon, he reached his hotel room. Lewis opened the door, sighed in relief, “Thank you for helping me. Have a good night.”

But that person didn’t leave. Instead, they pushed Lewis on the wall, and kissed him.

He was a man; Lewis could feel the stubble on their face. His first instinct was to struggle, but he was too drunk and weak, he couldn’t even move a finger. And the kiss—God, he hadn’t been properly kissed for ages, and it had felt so good. The stranger kissed him with such desperation and desire, as if Lewis was all he ever wanted, all he ever needed, with tongue touching him and hands roaming around his body in all the right places. Lewis whined in satisfaction, hugged the taller man’s neck and kissed him back. He didn’t care anymore, he just wanted to feel wanted and loved again. 

“Lewis.” The man whispered, “Do you know who I am?”

Do I need to? Lewis thought. But he still raised his eyes and looked. Slowly, his eyes were able to identify the man in front of him—and it was Seb. 

Lewis retracted his arms in horror. He couldn’t sleep with another racer, not after what happened with Nico. And what is it with him and blonde hair, blue eyed German? Did he have a type?

Lewis tried to push Seb away, but Seb held his wrist.

“Go away.” Lewis said weakly, body trembling. 

“Why, I’m not who you want?” Seb asked, voice cold and eyes dark. 

And Lewis felt afraid. He never heard Seb sound and look like that. What was happening? 

“We can’t.” is all Lewis was able to say.

“Why not? You and Nico did it for years.”

Lewis widened his eyes, “How…how do you know?”

“It was clear as day, for people who are looking.” Seb mumbled, sounding strained, “The way he looked at you, the way you leaned into him, it was too obvious.”

“If…if you knew, you could have used it against me.” Lewis was lost. Why didn’t he? Seb could have destroyed him and won the championship, if he had told that to the press.

“I wouldn’t do something that low. If I win, I want to win fair and square,” answered Seb, “I never understand why you choose him. He made you so unhappy last year.”

“Stop.” Lewis couldn’t handle it anymore. Why couldn’t he just catch a break? He made a mistake of trusting Nico when he was so young, but he didn’t deserve to still be punished for it now. And Seb—who was always nice and gentle with him—suddenly became cruel and unyielding, just like Nico was. 

Before he realized it, tears were streaming down his face. He shivered and sniffled, embarrassed that he was such a cry baby in front of Seb but couldn’t help himself. 

And Seb panicked. He frantically got some tissues for him, tried to wipe his tears, “God, Lewis, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you upset. I’m just drunk and—fuck, I am an idiot, I’m so sorry, Lewis.”

“You are an idiot.” Lewis grabbed the tissues himself, “Why…why would you say things like that? Do you secretly hate me just like everyone else?”

“No, Lewis, I don’t hate you, I would never hate you.” Seb helplessly watched Lewis clean himself up, didn’t know what to do with his hands, “I’m—I’m jealous and angry, I guess, which I am not entitled to, at all. I didn’t know what happened to me, maybe it’s the alcohol, or you comparing me with Nico earlier…but I have no excuse, I swear I would never hurt you again.” 

Lewis finally calmed down a bit, and the feeling of fear and pain slowly faded as he saw the baby blue come back to Seb’s eyes, just as he remembered. He had always felt safe under Seb’s gaze, ever since they met, and those moments of darkness a few minutes earlier terrified him to no end. Because Seb was not supposed to be dark, he’s the perpetual sunshine that was always warm, always good.

But… “What do you mean, jealous and angry?”

To Lewis’s surprise, Seb blushed, “Uhm…I really never planned to tell you in these circumstances, but…” He breathed deeply, “I am in love with you, Lewis.”

Lewis was not prepared to hear that. He couldn’t believe it—Nico was right? 

“When?” Lewis had to ask.

“Oh, it’s not that long…like, 2013?”

“2013?!” Lewis almost screamed, “For that long?” And he never noticed it?

“Well, technically, it may be even longer. You know in 2013 you and Nico became teammates, so I started to notice things, and got jealous and upset…so 2013 is when I realized it. It could begin since 2008 though, you were so brilliant that year…” Seb darted his eyes around, “But you don’t need to respond to me at all, of course. We can still be friends, if you still want to…I know I really fucked up…”

Seb was rambling again, and it was so adorable and endearing but it made Lewis’s head hurt. So, he grabbed Seb’s head and kissed him, to shut him up. Seb squeaked and went quiet immediately. 

But soon the innocent kiss became heated as Seb surrounded Lewis’s waist tightly, their tongues desperately searching for each other, and they kissed and kissed with both feeling insatiable with each other.

And Lewis had never kissed like that, never been kissed like that. All the kisses he and Nico had were laced with doubt and fear, not to mention Nico never told Lewis if he loved him. But the kiss with Sebastian, he felt so loved and cherished, and he knew he could trust Seb completely. There’s no doubt about Seb’s feelings, no fear of being rejected, only happiness and sense of security and satisfaction. He never thought a simple kiss could make him so ecstatic, so hopeful and so horny.

But an alarming bell in his head rang, and he had to stop. He pushed Seb away, with Seb reluctantly backed off.

“I’m sorry.” Seb sounded so dejected and with his hair damp and blue eyes wide, he looked exactly like a lost puppy, “You clearly don’t want that. I should leave.”

“No, Seb, that’s not…” Lewis held Seb back. 

Because for the whole year Seb had been a warm presence, a comforting friend, and it was so easy to fall in love with his cheeky smiles and embarrassing jokes. Seb is the reason that he could got over Nico so fast and be stronger than he ever was before. And Seb was so cute, Lewis had always been wanting to give his cheeks some smooches even before he and Nico broke up. Lewis wasn’t surprised at all when at the end of the year, he was the happiest when Seb came to his celebration party. 

He wasn’t sure if Seb was gay, so he originally decided to never say anything. But now Seb confessed, Lewis still couldn’t just accept it, even though he was dying to do so.

“I do have feelings for you, Seb.” Lewis admitted shyly, “But I can’t…we are rivals on track, what if we became like me and Nico? I…I don’t want things between us to be ugly like that.”

The next second, Seb was close to him again, held his waist, eyes so bright like they are burning, “Lewis, I promise you we won’t be like that, ever. I want the championship, but never more than I want you. I’ll prove it to you, next year, if we are still title contenders, and still be friends with each other, will you give me a chance?”

Lewis was at a loss for words. Would it be possible? To race against each other and still love each other? Lewis wanted to believe it, but what if they couldn’t? Lewis didn’t know if he could handle another heartbreak. 

But somehow, he had faith in Seb like no other before, so he nodded.

10

Lewis was 35 when he was engaged to Sebastian Vettel. 

It was immediately after he won his 7 th championship, he was crying in his car and when Seb came and told him he made history, all bright and genuine, he thought he couldn’t be happier. 

Then on the podium, God, Lewis almost fainted when Seb kneeled before him and proposed. 

The whole world, or at least, the world that involves F1, was shocked. Seb slid the ring on Lewis’s finger, and they kissed, then they ran away from the media like an eloping couple.

Lewis had never felt so happy and so in love before. He used to think that he would never be happy or find love after Nico, what a crazy thought, when love and happiness were smiling at him a few garages away, shaking him and clumsily trying to make him laugh every chance they got. 

Sometimes Lewis wondered why he couldn’t see it, when even Nico could. Now reflecting on it, he supposed that he was too focused on Nico, too worried that he would get jealous. Ever since they were young, he was led to believe that only he and Nico should be that close, but he couldn’t remember the reason why anymore. Did he ever truly loved Nico, or was all his emotions were born out of familiarity and fear of not being accepted by anyone else? 

He wished that he could go back in time to tell himself not to be afraid of opening up to new people. Maybe a lot of conflicts and misfortunes wouldn’t have happened.

On the day of his wedding, he carefully wore the wedding dress he picked after hundreds of try-ons. Seb may have a heart attack, along with the rest of the world, but that’s exactly the effect Lewis wanted. He grinned as the white lace fabric perfectly hugged his body. 

“Angela, could you zip me up?” He asked.

“Sure. You look so beautiful, Lewis, more than Princess Diana!”

Lewis laughed, “Don’t let any British people hear you say it. They may kill both of us.”

Suddenly, someone rushed into the room. It was one of the girls who helped him with makeup, but she looked very panicked.

“Somebody insisted that he wanted to see the bride.” The girl said, “I don’t think we can stop him! What should we do?”

“Who is it?” Lewis was confused, “Call my bodyguards, they shouldn’t be letting anyone through.”

“The bodyguards actually let him in.” The girl said helplessly, “I don’t know why!”

“What?” Angela was furious, “Are they crazy? Why would they—”

The next person who entered the room answered Angela’s question. Angela was immediately quiet, looking at Lewis with worried eyes. 

Lewis was so shocked that he didn’t react when Nico walked towards him. Only until Nico was so close and raised a hand to touch him, did Lewis finally snapped out of it. 

He slapped Nico’s hand away, “What are you doing here?” Because he sure as hell did not invite him to his wedding.

Nico looked at him, with such intensity that almost burned a hole in Lewis. He seemed to be dazed, couldn’t believe what he was seeing. And when he finally opened his mouth, his voice was coarse and unsteady, “You never wore a dress for me.”

Lewis’s heart dropped. This was so not a good time. “Angela, please tell everyone there is a delay, but only for a few minutes.”

“Okay.” Angela gave Nico an angry stare, pulled the girl away, and closed the door.

Lewis breathed deeply, “What do you want, Nico?” He didn’t look at any of the news, but he heard Nico got married, even had daughters now. He should be happy and content with his life, right? So why was he here, at Lewis’s wedding, making a commotion? 

“When did you and Seb get together?"

Great, an interrogation. Lewis wanted to punch him. He couldn’t believe that he used to thought he was in love with this man, who probably never really cared for him and just wanted somebody to have sex with. 

“If you are wondering if I cheated on you, the answer is no, and thanks for having so much faith in me.” Lewis said sarcastically, “Are you happy now? Please leave.”

“Do you love him?”

“Why else would I marry him?” Lewis was becoming exasperated. 

But Nico was still standing there, looking deep into Lewis’s eyes, as if he was trying to find something in them.

“Did you ever love me?” 

The question made Lewis completely froze. Why the hell would he ask that? Did it matter anymore?

Lewis looked at Nico and saw there’s heavy bags under his eyes. His skin looked dull, his hair no longer the beautiful blonde and sticking out messily. He looked, frankly, terrible. 

“I…” Lewis didn’t want to lie anymore, “I thought I did.”

“So never, then.” 

“Are you accusing me of something?” Lewis snapped, “You are the one who’s been lying to me since we were 12! You always knew, even back then, that friends don’t kiss each other, but you lied to me for years!”

“So, you figured it out, huh?” Nico sneered, looking nonchalant. 

“Why would you do this to me?” Lewis could never figure it out, “When we were children or younger, I thought we were friends!”

“How else can I have you? How else can I claim you as mine, even if just for a moment?” This time Nico finally exploded, with blue fire in his eyes, threatened to burn everything to the ground, burn Lewis to ashes.

“What…what are you talking about?” Lewis could feel his mind swirling, trying to understand everything, but he couldn’t. What did all of this mean?

But Nico didn’t answer that. He looked just as shocked about his own outburst, hands into fists, teeth grinding, “Lewis, you are…” His voice was calmer, but his face crumbled, “Ich bin wahnsinnig in dich verliebt. Du bist die Liebe meines Lebens, ohne dich kann ich nicht leben, aber ich möchte dich ruinieren. I’m sorry.” He turned around and left.

Lewis sat in that room, confused and angry. This was supposed to be the happiest day of his life, he would not let Nico ruin it. Determined, he called Angela back, forgot all about this little sidetrack. 

When he walked down the aisle, he could see literal tears in Seb’s eyes. Possibly also a boner, but he hid it pretty well. Lewis snickered.

The ceremony was beautiful and perfect. When it was over, they headed towards their honeymoon. 

“You don’t have to carry me bride style into our hotel room.” Lewis laughed when Seb picked him up in front of their door.

“Just carrying out my husband duty.” Seb grinned and walked through the door. 

“Well, then I guess I have to carry out the wifely duty as well.” Lewis smiled and gave his cheek a kiss.

Seb dropped him directly onto their bed, hovering on top of Lewis with eyes deep with desires, “Yes please. I was hard since I saw you in this dress—are you trying to kill me?”

Lewis laughed, pulled him down to properly kiss him. They stopped briefly, with Lewis grinding into Seb’s crouch, caressing Seb’s cheeks, “I need you, husband… to fuck me in this dress.”

“Yes, wife.” Seb’s breath hitched, as he eagerly opened up his flyer while kissing him vehemently.

The best day of their life, indeed.

11

It was a normal, peaceful, and happy day, almost a year after their wedding.

Lewis woke up near his husband (he cannot stop saying that word!) Seb, gave his cute messy face a kiss, then got out of their bed. 

His waist was pulled back when he tried to stand up. Lewis giggled and turned around his head, “You are pretending to be asleep again?”

“How else am I gonna get a good morning kiss?” Seb grinned slyly, rose from the bed to kiss him.

“I think you can get a good morning kiss just fine, smartass.” Lewis melted into the kiss; his back pressed into Seb’s chest perfectly. He also pressed into something else… “Seriously, are you a teenager? You still have morning hardness?”

“I am younger than you, you know.” Seb protested, “And how could I not when my wife is so hot?”

Lewis rolled his eyes. His ass was still sore from last night—Seb really was too enthusiastic in bed, almost like a teenager. “I can use mouth, my ass still hurt from your abuse last night.”

“I wasn’t abusing it; I’m giving it the attention it deserves…” Seb’s mumbling turned into moans when Lewis dropped his head on his member. 

After they finally got out of bed, took a shower separately, and ate breakfast, they began their usual daily routine. When night fell, they opted out of having dinner outside (too many paparazzi, they were still the center of attention even a year after they were married) and had a nice meal at home. 

After dinner, they settled on the sofa, while Lewis was using his iPad and Seb was watching some German soap opera. Suddenly, Lewis heard something and immediately raised his head, as if he was shot by lightning.

“Wait, back up a bit.” He told Seb.

“What’s wrong?” Seb was confused but did what he was told.

“Stop there, play that sentence.” Lewis paused, for some reason was a little nervous, “What…what does that sentence mean?”

“That? Oh, it’s a love confession. It means ‘I am madly in love with you. You are the love of my life. I can’t live without you, but I want to ruin you.’ It’s quite dramatic, we don’t usually say those things…What’s wrong?” Seb noticed Lewis’s pale face.

“No…nothing, it’s just…” Lewis lowered his eyes, couldn’t decide if he should tell Seb. 

Because he was too shocked himself. He had always believed that Nico never loved him, not really, but…Nico said those exact things when they used to be intimate, and again at his wedding. There’s simply no other explanation. 

Why Nico never told him in English? And he said he was sorry before he left the wedding…

Lewis felt like he could finally understand Nico, for the first time since they were children. But sadly, none of it mattered now.

“Nico said those things to you before.” Seb, however, already figured it out.

“Yeah.” Lewis sighed, “But it doesn’t matter now. I’m just…curious, I guess, when I heard the exact same thing.” He was worried that Seb would misunderstand him or get angry about him still remembering what Nico said a year ago.

“It’s okay, Lewis, I understand I will never have your past. It’s the present and future of you that I want.” Seb said gently, holding Lewis close, “And who wouldn’t love you and say those astronomically embarrassing and cheesy lines? I know I would.”

Lewis couldn’t help but laugh, “You are such an asshole.”

“I’m your asshole.” Seb grinned, pulled Lewis on his lap and kissed him.

“Then, say something more embarrassing and cheesier to me in German.” Lewis murmured. ‘So, I will completely forget about Nico’, is implied.

Seb understood, and did as he wished, low whispering into his ears and made him blush furiously, “ Ich will mein Leben mit dir verbringen. Mein Herz schlägt nur für dich. Mit dir ist die Welt schöner, Sonnenschein .” 

“You are going to tell me what they mean, right?” Lewis asked when Seb carried him to their bedroom. 

“Only after I get some rewards.” Seb winked, as he pressed Lewis onto their bed.

“Oh, don’t worry.” Lewis pulled Seb closer to him, “You will be thoroughly rewarded.”

Later, when both were exhausted and Lewis was snuggling with Seb, Seb told him what those words meant: “I want to spend my life with you. My heart beats only for you. The world is more beautiful with you, sunshine.”

And Lewis knew that when he was 80 years old, Seb would still want to say those things to him and explain again and again what they mean. 

END