Work Text:
first kiss
Gunwook was lazing around in the living room of his shared apartment after a long day of attending lectures. Well, “long day” is a relative term considering Gunwook only had two 1-hour classes at 8 am. He feels like he’s already gone through a long day at 10:30 am because of the lack of sleep he’s been getting for the past few weeks. He’s been working night shifts non-stop since the start of December and is buried in coursework that he can barely catch up on. This combined with his insistence on pushing all his classes to morning classes for the new semester hasn’t been good for his sleeping schedule.
So now Gunwook is here, lazing around in their shared apartment, the latest season of Haikyuu playing in the background but none of his attention was on the show. He used to be so obsessed with the show that he’d watch all the episodes just as it was being released but after entering university, his interests have been pushed to the side to make space for his adult life. So even if the latest season of the anime has been released a few months ago, he still hasn’t seen one second of it.
Despite his desperation to finally watch his beloved show though, his focus is nowhere near the screen, his mind already going in and out of dreamland. His eyes begin to slowly flutter as the sleepiness slowly catches up to him. His muscle tension slowly relaxes and his body melds into the couch.
Gunwook suddenly remembers that he promised his roommate that they’ll watch the latest season of Haikyuu together, knowing that he’s also as much of a fan of the anime as he is. He imagines his roommate’s reaction if he ever found out that he’s watched the show on his own. “Gunwook-ie! You said you’d watch it with me!” Gunwook can already hear his roommate’s pouty voice in his head.
A small smile creeps into his face as he imagines his hyung, who is 10 centimetres shorter than him, trying his best to look mad and glaring at him when he knows he’ll forgive Gunwook just by letting the older poke and pinch his cheeks as “punishment”. Gunwook knows his cheeks, so plump and pink, are one of his hyung’s favourite features of him.
A few moments later, he could hear someone entering their apartment’s passcode and opening their door, inviting themselves into the room. If this was any other scenario, Gunwook would’ve panicked by now due to the intruder entering his home but he knows this person all too well. The way the person gently closes the door, the squeaking of the shoes, the jingling of the keychains attached to his bag — his roommate, Matthew, is home.
Gunwook would love to get up and welcome his roommate home after a long day of work but his body has already become one with the sofa. Anyway, Matthew would be more concerned if he realised that he’d accidentally woken up Gunwook knowing how messed up the younger’s sleeping schedule has been for the last few weeks.
So Gunwook stays there feigning being asleep as he hears Matthew get closer to him. He hears his roommate huff and says, “He said he’d watch it with me,” his voice with a slight poutiness to it. Just like clockwork, Gunwook thinks. He hears the television being turned off and Matthew’s footsteps getting farther away from him. After a few minutes, he feels a blanket covering his body and a pillow below his head. He feels his roommate’s hand caress his head, and his ears, then his cheeks. Gunwook thought Matthew would just walk away after that but he suddenly felt his body move towards him even closer and his face moving closer to him. Suddenly he feels a pair of lips meeting his forehead and staying there for a few seconds.
“Sleep tight, Wookie,” he hears his hyung ’s soft voice whisper in the small space between them before getting up and retreating back to his room.
Gunwook felt like the cogs in his brain stopped for a few seconds before they started booting back up, processing what just happened.
Wait, realisation slowly dawning upon Gunwook, did Matthew just kiss my forehead?
second kiss
Gunwook was not sure whether the kiss actually happened. In his defence, his mind was so fogged up by sleep and fatigue that he was convinced that he just imagined that whole scenario. However, here comes his second dilemma: Why would he dream about Matthew kissing him on the forehead? He’s never had thoughts like that for his roommate for the past six months that they’ve lived together so why would he have such dreams about his roommate?
It was currently 1 pm and Matthew still hasn’t gone back from the campus. Matthew is part of their school’s student support service and is probably having a meeting as the winter break is approaching. His roommate also messaged him an hour ago saying he might not be able to go home tonight as their team is planning to go on dinner together.
Normally, on days like this when Gunwook has the apartment alone, he would either call one of his other friends to watch a movie together or play video games with them until the sun rises. However, Gunwook is way too anxious to do anything. He’s currently pacing around the room trying to solve the “Forehead Kiss Incident”. Three questions swirl in Gunwook’s mind as he thinks back to last night:
- Was the kiss real?
- Why did Matthew kiss him?
- Why is he feeling bothered by the kiss?
The third question is what confuses Gunwook the most. You see, Matthew and Gunwook are two people who are not strangers to physical affection. In fact, they do it so often that it has become an inside joke in their friend group to call him and Matthew “boyfriends”. One of their friends Taerae points out that the two roommates do more skinship than he and his boyfriend Jiwoong do. Their other friend Zhang Hao dared to tell them he feels awkward whenever he sees Gunwook and Matthew hugging in public while staring into each other’s eyes. Gunwook would like to ask Zhang Hao where he got the audacity to tell him that knowing the things that he and his boyfriend Hanbin have done in public. The point here is, that Matthew has done similar acts to Gunwook before so why is Gunwook now reacting this way?
Gunwook feared that he might be homophobic. Not that he actually is, it’s just the only reason in his mind as to why he would be reacting the way he is right now. He highly doubts it though, he has a lot of gay friends. To be more specific, he’s the only straight person in their friend group. He’d like to think he’s an ally of the LGBTQ community. He’s watched both seasons of Heartstopper at least three times, he has watched almost all franchises of RuPaul’s Drag Race, and he’s also watched gay porn. He also couldn’t be roommates with Matthew if he had been homophobic.
He first met Matthew through Hanbin. Hanbin recommended his best friend’s place when he was first looking into apartments near the campus. The two best friends used to live together but Hanbin moved in with Zhang Hao after dating for several months, leaving Matthew with a spare bedroom and an expensive rent. Gunwook was initially sceptical about Matthew. Although Hanbin vouched for his character, he was suspicious as to why the room had been vacant after months of Hanbin moving out, especially when the semester just started. Why would someone who lives in one of the best apartment buildings, conveniently placed near their campus, and is surrounded by a few shopping centres and restaurants, have a hard time finding a roommate? Sure, the high rent is a big hurdle but there is an abundance of rich students in their universities so Gunwook doubts that that was the reason.
Matthew is very picky with who he wants to room with. When Gunwook finally met him, he was very cheerful but he could feel that Matthew was also assessing him very thoroughly. Matthew toured him around the house and told him the general gist of the apartment building rules, and his preferences and expectations as a roommate. After an hour of talking and getting to know each other, Gunwook felt good about their meeting and he was sure that this was it . That he could build a home here.
“Before we finalise this whole roommate situation, I would just like to ask you one very important question. I know I’ve been very thorough this whole time, but it’s important to me that I’d be compatible with my roommate 'cause I don’t want the both of us to have a miserable time living together.” Matthew suddenly said, a sense of seriousness replacing his previous cheerful and playful tone.
Gunwook, realising the severity of the tone of Matthew’s voice, calms himself down and looks intently at the older boy. He gives him a firm nod, communicating to the other that he is listening and ready to answer his question.
“Okay, well, this is a very important question to me and I would like you to answer it with the utmost honesty. Here it goes.” Matthew took a deep breath before continuing to speak.
“Are you homophobic?”
The question perplexed Gunwook, not because it was an absurd question but because he never had someone ask him that directly.
“I- You do know we were introduced to each other by Hanbin hyung, right? The Sung Hanbin?” Gunwook thinks bringing up his proximity to the gayest person he knows was enough to convince the other that he was, in fact, not homophobic.
“Yes, I am aware. But that doesn’t mean shit. Do you know how many people who are best friends with gay people are homophobic?”
“Okay, that’s fair. Simply saying that everyone in my friend group is gay except for me is not enough. I can tell you though that I respect and support all of my queer friends. Never has it occurred to me that liking the same gender is wrong, or identifying as a gender that you were not assigned at birth is weird. I can assure you that I am not homophobic.”
The scepticism is still evident on Matthew’s face.
“Let’s do this then. Give me a trial period, a month from when I move in. I will prove to you that there is not one homophobic bone in my body and you’d let me stay in this apartment as your roommate. If I ever do something that you deem disrespectful or flat-out bigoted, then you can kick me out and I’ll let you keep my money for rent. How does that sound?” Gunwook reaches out a hand for Matthew to shake after stating his proposition.
Matthew looks like he’s pondering hard about the younger man’s words, looking at his eyes to see if there is any stain of deceit in there. After a few seconds, he takes Gunwook’s hand and gives it a shake with some hesitancy. A smile blooms on Gunwook’s face as he tightens his grip on Matthew’s hand and shakes it more vigorously.
“Thank you for accepting me, roomie,” Gunwook says, completely overjoyed. His smile is so wide that he’s quite sure Matthew can count all of his teeth from where he is standing.
“Remember, you have one month to prove yourself.” Despite the warning and the remaining scepticism, Matthew couldn’t help but give the younger man who looked like he just won the world.
(Gunwook once asked him why he asked him that specific question. Although it seems like a stupid question, it’s something that he’s been curious about ever since he got to know Matthew. He has always come off as someone self-assured like he never cared for anyone else’s opinions. Maybe it was Gunwook’s own prejudice, knowing that Matthew grew up in a Western country where people are less conservative about LGBTQ+ topics.
Matthew answered, “Well, the answer’s pretty obvious, isn’t it? I’ve been hurt before, and I vowed to never get hurt again. I made the mistake of letting one in once, and I will never forgive myself for being that trusting. I act nonchalant about it not because I’m stronger now but because I’m still the same weak child. So I have to keep pretending that I’m strong, cause even up until now, I still don’t know how to fight back. ”
Gunwook thinks Matthew is one of the strongest people he knows.)
Gunwook is very pleased to say that he passed the test. He wouldn’t still be living with Matthew for six months if he hadn’t proven to his roommate that he’s not homophobic.
His mind reels as these thoughts fill his mind. He feels like he’s getting to a specific point but his mind is not getting to a satisfactory conclusion to his problems. He goes back to the three questions he had during the start of this spiral. The second question was hard to answer as this would involve asking Matthew about the incident and he would rather be swallowed by the ground than do that. The first question, however, seems like something that could be easily answered by just doing a little experimentation.
If there’s one thing that Gunwook learned from studying Psychology for the past year is to be a thorough researcher. To answer the question “ Was the kiss real? ” he decides to recreate the scene from last night. Lay on the couch, open the television, and pretend to sleep until his roommate returns home. Since all of the variables remained the same from last night, the kiss would be proven to be valid if Matthew kissed him again tonight. Not that Gunwook wants Matthew to kiss him tenderly on the forehead again as he softly caresses his h-
Seriously, am I homophobic? Gunwook incredulously asks himself.
He lays there, this time with Horimiya playing in the background as he waits for the familiar beeping at the door. The episode was just about to finish when he heard footsteps from the other side of the door. He hurriedly gets into his usual sleeping position and slows down his breathing to feign being asleep.
Just like last night, Matthew goes straight to the living room after seeing Gunwook’s sleeping figure. Gunwook would’ve thought the other had already gone away if he couldn’t feel the other’s searing gaze on him. At some point, he thought it was just his imagination but he heard his slow footsteps getting closer to him. Matthew pats his hair and caresses his thick eyebrows. He thought he was already done but he felt Matthew’s arm bump into him. Gunwook figured that he must have leaned his arms on the couch beside him so he could lean his head. Matthew’s hand is suddenly on Gunwook’s face again, this time tracing the slope of his nose, then stroking his cheeks. Finally, his hand goes down to his lips. Well, he didn’t really touch it but he could feel his thumb hovering above his lower lip, like a phantom touch.
He hears Matthew sigh before standing up. He covered Gunwook with his blanket, the familiar scent of Matthew’s lavender oil hitting his nose just as his head rested on top of his pillow. Silence enveloped the room once again, which made Gunwook curious so he took a small peek, slightly opening one of his eyes. Matthew was standing there facing the television screen, watching the anime that Gunwook randomly chose before faking sleep. On the screen, Gunwook can see the scene where Hori and Miya finally kiss.
“How envious…” Matthew says, in a seemingly offhanded tone. He takes the remote control to turn off the television. All of a sudden, he turns around to face Gunwook’s lying body again, which makes Gunwook close his eyes abruptly. He feels Matthew’s face coming close to his again, his warm breath hitting his face before his soft lips kiss Gunwook’s forehead. His lips stayed there for a few moments before he stood up and went to his room. Gunwook doesn’t know whether the beating of his chest was due to the panic of almost getting caught or because of the lips that once again touched his forehead.
third kiss
“You’ll be here in 30 minutes? Okay, just text me when you’re already in the building. Alright, see you.”
Matthew and Gunwook have an unspoken rule when it comes to inviting people into their apartment: when one of them invites someone over, the other would either go out of the apartment or stay in their room with headphones on. It doesn’t really happen often as their friendship group has naturally merged over time and the most frequent visitors in their apartment are their common friends but Matthew has invited people into the house from time to time. Gunwook, on the other hand, has never had this specific problem. Not because he hasn’t fooled around or slept with anyone, but because he’s never felt comfortable doing that in their apartment where Matthew could be home or even just being found out by the older man. Even if Matthew might be okay with it, the thought of being intimate with anyone in his and Matthew’s home doesn’t sit well with him.
“You have a visitor?” Gunwook asks Matthew, acting nonchalant as he watches his sped-up course lecture. His focus hasn't been on the lecture recording ever since Matthew's phone started ringing.
“Yeah, it’s just someone from my course. They’ll be quick. He would just be in and out of here, I promise.” Matthew answers. Gunwook would not like to think what ‘in and out’ means in this context.
“Oh, okay.”
The sped-up voice of his lecturer became a white noise to Gunwook. All that was in his mind was the weird aching of his heart. It’s not like the first time that Matthew slept with another man in the house. Gunwook has always been cool with it. Except for the fact that he always did everything that he could to avoid the fact that Matthew was getting railed in the room next to him. He always thought it could just be the internalised homophobia that’s been planted in his mind from a very young age (Curse you, society and your very homophobic and heteronormative values!), but now it feels like there’s something else bothering Gunwook about this situation.
Gunwook looks at the clock. It’s been 20 minutes since Matthew ended his call which means his visitor would come here anytime soon. Matthew has already gone down to the lobby to get his friend. Gunwook does what he does best - pretend to sleep on the couch. He doesn’t know what possessed him to have the urge to intercept this meeting but some ugly thing in his mind is telling him that if he doesn’t act upon this very weird feeling happening to him right now, he’ll regret it.
He hears the door swing open and two sets of footsteps in the entry hallway. As the noise gets closer and closer, the throbbing in his chest becomes more erratic. Please go away and don’t look at me, Gunwook says in his head repeatedly.
“Your roommate’s here,” the stranger’s voice says.
“Oh yeah, he was studying earlier. He must’ve been really tired,” Matthew replied.
“Would it be better to wake him up so he could go to his room?”
“Why? Are you uncomfortable with him here?”
“Not uncomfortable, I just don’t want to inconvenience him especially since he’s sleeping and we might get loud.”
He could hear light footsteps getting closer to him and someone getting closer to his face.
“Gunwook-ie,” Matthew calls his name as he shakes him awake.
Gunwook pretends to groan in response and refuses to get up, which is unusual for him because he has always been easy to wake up no matter the situation. Matthew must have realised this too because he started feeling for his forehead, checking if his temperature was raised. Gunwook hears him mumble “ Are you sick? ” as he then starts checking the temperature on his neck too.
“Hey Wonbin, I might not be able to study with you today. I think my roommate might be sick.”
"Oh, that's alright. Want to reschedule our study session?"
"Yeah, I'll just book a room at the library tomorrow. Is that alright?"
"Yep. Can I borrow your notes, though?"
Gunwook can hear their voices moving farther away from him as they retrieve Matthew's lecture notes from his room. He's only now realising that Wonbin did not come here for a booty call but for a study session. A wave of guilt suddenly washes Gunwook because he knows how stressed Matthew has been over his exams. Now he can't even study because he has to take care of his "sick" roommate all because he's jealous-
Jealous? Why would I be jealous? Gunwook thought, which truly bewildered him. Why would he be jealous of his roommate's not-dick-appointment?
"Hey, Wookie. Are you okay? Do you need anything?" Matthew's voice suddenly cuts his musings, concern dripping from his words.
Gunwook has never been more thankful that his mom put him in acting classes when he was younger cause he has never been more ready to put on the Oscar-worthy performance of his life.
"I-I'm fine, I just need to rest for a bit."
"Are you sure? Do you need me to get you some Tylenol?"
"No, I'm alright, really. But hyung…" Here he goes.
"What is it?"
"Can you massage my head, please?" Gunwook closes his eyes and furrows his brows a bit for added effect.
“Of course!”
Gunwook feels his head being lifted and placed on something sturdy. He opens his eyes and is met with Matthew staring back at him with an unfamiliar look. He never knew those same brown eyes he’d been looking at for the past 6 months. A week ago, he wouldn’t even imagine that his roommate could look at him like that. Has he always looked at him like that? Gunwook feels lightheaded.
Matthew smiles at him while he massages his head and says, “Just close your eyes. Sleep.”
Sleepiness washes over Gunwook and the familiar feeling of Matthew’s lips on his forehead visits him before completely drifting off to dreamland.
fourth kiss
Things haven't been going well since the new year started. Gunwook went home from their family house for New Year's Day. It was their family's turn to host the party so now all of their relatives are cramped in their humble abode. Their residence which normally felt big for Gunwook suddenly felt like a tin can too small to fit all of their sardines. Being surrounded makes it hard to breathe for him.
Gunwook has always had a complex relationship with his extended family. On the maternal side of his family, he had a grandmother, a grandfather, two pairs of uncles and aunts, and four cousins. There was a running joke (read: mutual understanding) within their family that Gunwook was his grandmother's favourite grandchild. Always being the first one to get chocolates and toys whenever his grandparents visited different countries, always the one with the most Facebook posts, and always the one to brag about with her friends from the church. It was no secret that Gunwook’s grandmother loved him the most.
On the flip side, his uncles have always been critical of him. Maybe it was due to his grandmother's favouritism towards him that they've developed a weird vendetta with him ever since he was a child, deeming this favouritism as a robbery of the love that could have been given to their children. As for his relationship with his cousins, there's an awkward age gap between them. Two of his cousins, including his older brother, are already in their early to mid-twenties, while his two other cousins are still in middle school. He was always too young to hang with his older cousins but too old to play with his younger cousins. Despite their efforts to bond together, Gunwook has never really connected with them. With all this being said, sitting through family reunions was always an excruciating activity for Gunwook.
Gunwook was in the living room with his younger cousins, indulging them as they played Mario Kart together. Everything was going well until his uncles entered the room and decided to interrogate him.
“You’re still playing video games at your age?” His first uncle says, slightly snickering as he stares at Gunwook uncomfortably.
“I mean, it’s a common hobby. And-”
“Well, if I was you, I would get my shit together fast. How old are you now?” His second uncle rudely interrupts.
“I’m turning 19 in January.”
“See? You’re already, and you’re still doing what? Studying? Your cousin right here is now a trainee at Jellyfish.”
He remembered when he was approached by Jellyfish at 14 and the same uncle told him not to accept it because being an idol is not a honourable job. His second uncle told him repeatedly that if he took the offer, he’d be stuck as one of those idols who never get recognition and would have to spend his life working as a convenience store worker to pay for his trainee debt. In the end, he ended up not taking the offer because Jellyfish Entertainment doesn’t have the best reputation in the industry. Now his cousin is walking the path Gunwook did not take, the same path his second uncle vehemently told him was a meaningless road to walk on. Did he hate his child so much that he would lead him through the road that he deemed to be worthless or did he hate Gunwook so much he’d lead his son to a road of misery just to taunt Gunwook on the dreams that he abandoned?
This is how they normally start. They will degrade Gunwook until he doubts every single choice that he made in his life, invalidating every achievement that he has ever achieved, and making him feel stupid with every word that comes out of his mouth.
“Well, I’m currently in my second year of university. I’m focusing on my studies for now.” Gunwook said, hoping that that could end the conversation.
“That excuse won’t work! When Seonho was in his second year of university, he was already doing his internship in the hospital. And you’re doing what? Playing video games? Watching cartoons?”
“Well, Seonho hyung did Nursing. Part of their course is to do internships in their second year. I’m doing Psychology which is more course-based.”
And just like every adult who doesn’t know how to respond to a younger person who speaks the truth, his first uncle yells, “Are you talking back to me right now?!”
Everyone in the household was shocked by the sudden outburst. His younger cousins have now abandoned their game to seek refuge with their mothers and all the other elderly who were working hard in the kitchen came out to the living room to see what the commotion was about.
“Did your mother not teach you how to respect your elders?! You need to be disciplined!”
“Oppa, please forgive Gunwook. He’s also just stressed about his studies.” His mother finally chimes in to calm his brother down and to spare her son from further screaming.
Gunwook’s mother looks at him with a pleading look as she pulls his arm and says, “Gunwook, go to the kitchen now. We need help with the desserts.”
Gunwook used to hate his mom whenever his uncles acted like this and she just let them be. Whenever their cruelty starts, he looks for his mom, his eyes signalling for help but his mom just returns a helpless look. As Gunwook grew older, he realised that his mom, as the youngest daughter in a patriarchal household, couldn’t have done anything either.
Gunwook spent the whole afternoon with his mouth shut and his self-esteem trampled.
‘₊‧꒰ა 🧸 ໒꒱‧₊’
It was a gloomy day. The rain has been pouring non-stop since Gunwook got back home from their New Year’s Day celebration a week ago.
Gunwook hasn’t had the motivation to do anything since then. His room is a mess, he hasn’t taken a shower, and his unfinished assessments are approaching their due date. He’s felt low before, but this is a new all-time low.
“Gunwook! Can you please come out here?” Matthew’s voice penetrates through his locked door.
He peels himself from his bed, as fast as he can although probably not fast enough. Matthew was standing in the middle of their living room holding a very full laundry basket.
“It was your week to do the laundry, and you haven’t done it.”
“I’m sorry.” That was all Gunwook could say.
“Now, I have nothing to wear for next week. All that’s left in my closet are my summer clothes. It’s fucking -2°C outside, for crying out loud!” Matthew continues.
Gunwook couldn’t even continue listening to what was being said. He can’t handle having another person important to him tell him how disappointing he is.
“Well, you never told me to do the laundry.”
“Because I never had to tell you! You’ve always taken the initiative to do the chores.”
“Well, maybe I want you to tell me what to do!”
The sudden outburst shocked Matthew. Even through their longest bickerings, they have never raised their voice to each other because, despite their differences, they have always fundamentally understood and respected each other. Right now, Matthew is looking at him as if he doesn’t understand him. Right now, Gunwook doesn’t understand himself either.
Suddenly all the feelings that he tried so hard to suppress burst, and now he feels overwhelmed. He needed to get out of here, so he did.
‘₊‧꒰ა 🧸 ໒꒱‧₊’
Why did I do that? Why did I do that? Why did I do that? Hyung must hate me now. Fuck, please don’t hate me. I’ll be better. Please don’t hate me. I won’t do it again. Please don’t hate me. I lov-
“Gunwook-ie?” Matthew’s melodic voice breaks his train of thought.
He hears the creaking of this door and a streak of light brightens his dim room. Somehow the sound of Matthew’s footsteps getting closer to him matches the increasing thumping of his heart.
Gunwook suddenly feels a pair of arms envelop him from behind. Matthew’s face was so close to his head, his breath tickling the back of his neck. He took Gunwook’s hand in his, his thumb tracing circles at the back of the younger’s hand.
Matthew held Gunwook’s waist, turning him around so they would be facing each other. He smiled at Gunwook and wiped the tears that he didn’t even realise had escaped his eyes.
Matthew broke the silence by saying, “What is it?”
Gunwook doesn’t want to tell him, yet. He doesn’t want to see him act childish. He’s not a child anymore.
“You know you can tell hyung anything, right? I’m always on your side.” Matthew said, prodding for answers once more.
Gunwook knows deep inside that Matthew would never judge him for acting like a child. If anything, only Matthew has the power to make Gunwook, who has been known by people to be the “intimidating and mature” guy, feel like a baby. Gunwook, who has always been guarded and felt like he needed to act like an adult early in his life, willingly broke down all his walls and felt comfortable enough to act his age when he was with Matthew, his hyung. He knows he’s safe here in his arms.
“You know, growing up, I’ve always acted like an adult. I was placed a year above people my age because I was born early in the year, so I’ve always been the youngest person in our batch growing up. But because our teachers always thought I was very responsible and mature, they gave me the position of the President of our school year.”
Matthew hums, letting the younger know that he’s listening as he plays with his hair.
“I always thought it was a good thing. My classmates look up to me, my teachers trust me, and my parents and grandparents love flaunting me around to their friends because I’m someone worth being proud of.” Gunwook can feel his throat tightening and his eyes stinging.
“But now that I’m finally here, actually an adult, I realised that I actually don’t know shit. That this whole time, I was just actually playing pretend.”
His tears finally spill, the muffled sound of his sobs echoing in the dimly lit room as Matthew hugs him even tighter. He could feel his roommate rubbing circles on his back, whispering “Just cry it out” to him.
“Gunwook, none of us really know what we’re doing either most of the time. You’re doing just fi-”
“No! I feel stupid most of the time! I feel like everyone lied to me, making me think that I know it all but I don’t!”
“Breathe, Gunwook. Take a deep breath.”
He didn’t even realise that he was hyperventilating because he was too busy dealing with all the emotions. The two of them lay in silence, letting Gunwook’s breathing calm down for a bit and for him to feel all the emotions that he’s tried to numb for so long.
“No one really teaches us how to be adults, or at least to be good ones. You know what the most useful thing they teach us in school? Not Maths, or Science, or any subject they’ve ever taught us. It’s the ability to lie, to pretend that everything is okay, to endure. Most of us don’t really know what we’re doing most of the time.” Matthew says. He pauses for a moment to let the words sink in.
Gunwook always feels jealous of his friends who seem like they’ve got it all figured out already. There’s Hanbin who has finished his course ahead of his peers and has already established his own successful dance studio from such a young age. There’s Zhang Hao, who uprooted from China when he was just Gunwook’s age and accomplished all his goals with flying colours. There’s also Gyuvin and Ricky, who have already found their life partner even before they become adults. Gunwook was so used to being the one in the lead that it hurts to feel like he’s the one who’s falling behind.
“We make so many important, life-determining decisions during our teenage years, and we suffer the consequences of those choices as we step into adulthood without warning. Some get lucky and get it right the first time, but most of us fail at it.”
“But I don’t want to fail,” Gunwook whispers into Matthew’s collarbone.
“Why? What’s wrong with failing?”
“Everything! If I fail, I’ll disappoint everyone. I’ll embarrass my mother in front of her family. I’ll embarrass myself from you guys because you’re all so good at what you do and I’m not. You… you won’t love me anymore.” Finally, the deepest darkest thorn that was buried deep in his heart has been plucked.
“Gunwook, we love you because you’re you. Because you’re our… friend. We love you cause you always take care of us. We love you because of how passionate you are with every interest you’re into. We love you because you have this endless pool of love in your heart that you never hesitate to bask us with. You’re worthy of love because you’re you.”
Tears run down Gunwook’s face as he repeats Matthew’s words in his head. You’re worthy of love, you’re worthy of love, you’re worthy of love.
“Trust me when I say that we’re not always good at what we do, we just happen to be good at hiding it. You’re doing so well, Gunwook, and I will always be proud of you.”
Gunwook tightened his hold on Matthew, burying himself deeper into the older’s embrace. If someone saw them right now, they probably wouldn’t know where Matthew ends and where Gunwook starts. He wishes he could mould his body with Matthew’s. He doesn’t want them to be two parts of a whole, he wants to be one with him.
“Also, there’s nothing wrong with feeling like a child! I love seeing you act your age. You’re my baby, my teddy bear. There’s nothing more I want to do but take care of you and make you happy.”
“Really?
“Really. If there’s one thing that you should undoubtedly believe in this world, it’s that I love you unconditionally. I always will.”
And suddenly, all is well again.
He’s here, and he’s love, and Matthew will always remind him that. Just as how sure he is that the sun will rise again in the morning, he knows he is home in Matthew’s embrace and with Matthew’s lips on his forehead. He just wishes that there would come a day when Matthew would comfortably kiss him when he’s awake too.
fifth kiss
the ally(ship)
Tuesday, 9 January 2024
pookie wookie
I’m in a crisis
I need immediate help. Call me when you two are available.
gyubi bubi
well both be home at around 4pm
u wanna meet at our apartment?
pookie wookie
Yep! Your apartment will do.
As long as it’s just the three of us.
twinky ricky
you can just let yourself in before we get home if you want
are you alright, though?
is it anything serious? are you hurt or something?
pookie wookie
No, no. I’m alright.
This is less of a serious issue and more of a…
Gay Crisis
twinky ricky
oh 😭
gyubi bubi named the group pride parade
gyubi bubi
welcome to the club my guy 🤠
When Gyuvin and Ricky got home, Gunwook was already lying flat on the couch, blankly staring at the ceiling while clutching a throw pillow. Gunwook could hear the two of them snickering at him as they set their grocery bags down on the kitchen counter.
“Catch!” Gyuvin says after hitting Gunwook with hardtack biscuits. Ricky, on the other hand, just slowly walked up to him and handed him three bottles of his favourite chocolate milk.
“Choose your therapist for today,” Gyuvin says as he and Ricky settle down on the loveseat on the right of the couch.
Gunwook sat up from his previous lying position and faced the pair. His eyes focus on Ricky. He knows that between the two, Ricky has known about his sexuality for longer. Ever since they were in high school, Ricky has never kept his sexuality a secret from anyone, which came to his detriment at times. Despite all the negativity thrown at him, Ricky has always vowed to stay true to himself and express his identity as loudly as he can. This is one of the many things Gunwook admires about Ricky. Gyuvin, on the other hand, had a very interesting (read: chaotic and dramatic) journey to finding out his identity.
“Can I have a joint session?”
Without pause, Gyuvin immediately responds, “We don’t have weed in here right now.”
“I meant the both of you, you bastard.”
After the two of them had settled down, Gunwook proceeded to spill his current dilemma.
“Do you feel like your feelings for men-”
“One man,” Gunwook interjects. Ricky raised his eyebrows at him.
“Do you think that these feelings for the opposite sex are new to you? Or do you think there are instances in your life when you’ve wanted other men to kiss your forehead too?” Ricky continues saying.
Gunwook thinks about that question hard. He thinks back to all the men that he has ever admired in his life. There was his childhood friend Junhyeon who taught him how to dream and always pushed Gunwook to aim higher. He remembers being in awe seeing his eyes twinkling as they lay under the stars, talking about their futures. There was also Hwanhee, his tutor in high school who helped him adjust to his academic and social life when he was suddenly placed a year level above him and had to deal with kids older than him. Gunwook recalls butterflies flying in his stomach when Hwanhee introduced him to his friends and told them to take care of his ‘precious junior’. Then, there was Zhang Hao Hanbin’s boyfriend, who helped change people’s perspective of him when everyone thought he was intimidating. He looked at Hao with so much admiration, knowing how much he had helped his self-esteem, especially as he was just entering his university life. Doubt creeps into Gunwook’s mind. How could someone so secure in himself not know who he’s attracted to?
“How come I never knew though?”
“Well, you see, no one goes out there and say ‘Hey, kid, you ever heard of the gays?’. I mean, I wouldn’t have ever known I’m bisexual if I hadn’t met Ricky and all of our queer friends.” Gyuvin assures him.
The couple lets Gunwook sit in silence to think about everything they’ve talked about so far. He feels like his worldview is shifting too fast and he’s worried that he can’t keep up.
“Am I gay?”
“No one would know but you,” Gyuvin says.
“And the very fortunate thing is you have all your life to figure that out. Everyone’s journey is different. Hell, look at me and Gyuvin, look at everyone in our friend group and see how similar and different we all are. Remember that there’s not one ‘correct’ way to discover yourself.” Ricky adds.
“You’ll figure it out, Gunwook. You always do.”
“So I’m not homophobic?”
Both Ricky and Gyuvin groaned. Ricky, completely exhausted from the conversation, stands up and taps Gyuvin on the back.
“You go talk some sense to your friend, I’m going to make some tea,” Ricky says before walking to the kitchen. Gyuvin reaches for the glasses that were sitting on the centre table and crosses his legs, completely immersing himself in the role of a therapist.
“When Ricky asked you earlier about your feelings for men, you thought of specific people, correct?”
“Yes.”
“And do you think the feeling that you felt for these men in the past is similar to how you feel for Matthew now?”
Matthew’s brown eyes suddenly flood Gunwook’s mind. How they always seem like they’re seeing something deep in Gunwook, someplace that Gunwook might not have even discovered yet. How he seems to understand Gunwook when even he cannot make sense of what’s happening to himself. How just one look from Matthew can calm Gunwook down, that even when everything is going wrong, he knows everything will be alright with him by his side.
If Gunwook could see his brain right now, he thinks it would look like a lit light bulb, with all of his neurons firing at the same time.
“Do you get it now?”
Gunwook abruptly gets up from the couch and runs to the door. He barely puts his shoes on and just jams his feet in them. He screams a "Thank you!" to the couple before scurrying out the door. Before he gets too far, he hears the two say "Congratulations!" and "Good luck~". Guess he'll need both.
He enters their apartment, and just like the first two kisses, lays there with his eyes closed. He's waiting not for a prince charming but his Matthew, the man whom Gunwook dedicates all his adoration for. After a few minutes, the man in his heart finally walks in the door. Just like the other times, Matthew kisses his forehead. Just like the other times, Gunwook's heart beats for Matthew.
+1 kiss
Matthew and Gunwook knew that holding a birthday party would be stressful but they didn't expect the extent of how chaotic it would be to invite six men and one child (who happens to be Gyuvin's cousin) into their apartment. A table full of leftover food, confetti covering every inch of their floor, a rubbish bin filled to the brim with paper plates and cups. The roommates who normally hate seeing their apartment messy leave the mess to be cleaned tomorrow because of how tired they were after this very hectic day.
Matthew was already on his way to retreat to his room when Gunwook tugged his arm and told him “ Hyung, sleep with me tonight ”. So now the two of them are lying down on Gunwook’s twin-sized bed, Gunwook’s face tucked in Matthew’s shoulder, arms and legs tangled, the beating of their hearts slowly syncing into one.
Gunwook closed his eyes, revelling in the feeling of Matthew’s arms around him. He tries to fall asleep but the mere presence of the older man gives him so much adrenaline. Despite his closed eyes, he can feel Matthew’s eyes on him, and his breath hitting his forehead. Just like all the other times, Matthew caresses his hair, his ears, and his cheek. Gunwook stays there unmoving, waiting for his roommate’s next move. What happens next is something that he already expected.
“Happy birthday, Gunwook,” Matthew says before kissing Gunwook’s forehead.
“Hyung, why do you never kiss me when I’m awake?”
The hand that was caressing Gunwook’s cheeks stuttered. A pregnant pause filled the void between nothing and everything.
Finally, Gunwook opens his eyes.
It’s strange, isn’t it? How you think you already know someone inside out, know them well enough to recognise them from a single breath, or a squeak of their shoes, and in one moment, you realise that you have so much more to discover? Because when Gunwook’s eyes met Matthew’s it felt like a “ Hello ” from a stranger, not due to unfamiliarity but from the unexplored. His mum used to always tell him that as we become more familiar with someone, we will always meet a new person within that person, like a Matryoshka doll. Gunwook is waiting to see what the doll underneath this layer of friendship would look like if Matthew would let him.
From the way the two held their breaths, the anxiousness enveloping them, they knew that this moment was now or never. Gunwook takes a good look at Matthew’s eyes. Maybe it was the newfound clarity for his feelings but he realises how tender Matthew looks at him. One part of Gunwook feels overwhelmed to be seen like that as if Matthew was seeing an oasis after being thirsty for so long, but the other part of him feels relieved to be finally seen like that, like he’s someone worthy of love. He recalls back to all the times they’ve spent together, to the past six months they’ve been roommates and friends, and wonders when he’s started looking at him like that. Gunwook cannot see himself but he hopes that he’s reflecting the same tenderness that Matthew holds in his eyes.
“Would you like me to kiss you?” Matthew breaks the suffocating tension.
“If I could keep your lips on mine, on every inch of me, I’d do it in a heartbeat.”
And that was all Matthew needed to kiss Gunwook’s forehead, and both his cat-like eyes and his plump, apple cheeks, then the tip of his button nose. When Matthew arrives at Gunwook’s lips, he stops for a second, as if there is still something holding him back. Gunwook opens his eyes again and gives Matthew a sly smile.
“Hyung, it’s my birthday. Kiss me.”
And with that, Matthew finally connects his lips with Gunwook’s. When Gunwook was younger, he always thought that kissing someone would be like the movies, where it would be this magical experience where fireworks would explode, and all the birds would sing for him and his lover. But kissing Matthew wasn’t like that, his kiss felt like serenity, like coming home.
As Gunwook takes another step forward into adulthood, he ponders upon the anxieties that he had as an 18-year-old boy. The thought of jumping headfirst into adulthood with only his parents’ words to guide him and his slightly more experienced friends to support him through his journey. He used to think that he already knows it all but he never really imagined how many unknowns he has yet to uncover. But 19-year-old Gunwook knows better now. A little less anxious and a lot more excited as to what comes next, especially when he has his beloved right by his side and a newfound resolve to uncover all of him. He doesn’t know what life will bring him but Gunwook is already looking forward to spending every day of his life getting to know Matthew over and over again.