Archive of Our Own ^beta

"Don't you have any regrets?"

"...Not really."

Karamatsu worries.

Ichimatsu often leaves the house for random periods of time whenever he feels like being alone, sometimes even in the middle of the night when he still hasn't fallen asleep. All the brothers probably know or suspect his mental state, but Karamatsu knows for a fact he's been doing worse as of late. He sleeps next to the guy, for god's sake, and it doesn't help that he's a light sleeper. He can't even count how many times Ichimatsu's woken him up with his panic attacks (or nightmares, Karamatsu isn't all that great at telling the difference) anymore.

Concern doesn't really suit him, but Karamatsu finds himself worrying nonetheless, sitting with crossed legs and arms in the living room with the others. Ichimatsu sits in the corner, his cat sprawled over his knees and batting at the sleeve Jyuushimatsu keeps dangling in front of it. Todomatsu scrolls through his phone as Choromatsu flips through a book, with Osomatsu lounging on the floor beside him, a cigarette hanging from his mouth. His brows furrow in irritation as he sighs dramatically; no one bothers to even look over at him, much less ask what's up. He does it again, a bit louder, and this time the cat cocks its head at him. He stands abruptly, whipping out his sunglasses and sliding them on his face as he declares "I'm going out." He walks to the front door, feeling a bit annoyed that no one does anything except Ichimatsu, who glances up at him for a moment.

The afternoon sun is barely dangling over into the west side of the sky, illuminating the sidewalk as Karamatsu ambles towards nowhere in particular past trash cans and young families, unlit streetlights and cute single girls. He jams his hands in the pockets of his leather jacket, plopping himself down on the next bench he comes across. He tries winking at two baristas that most likely just got off their shift, but instead of blushing they walk faster. He sighs, normally this time, and drapes his arms across the back of the bench.

He watches people pass by from behind his sunglasses as he thinks about nothing in particular. He wonders if his brothers are wondering about where he is (probably not), and what they're doing right now (probably nothing). He wonders if Ichimatsu has wandered off again, and if anyone has tagged along this time. An old woman scatters bread crumbs for a flock of pidgeons. His face starts to burn.

The sun has shimmied down towards the horizon when Karamatsu gets the idea that he might want to start heading home in time for dinner. Checking his phone reveals the hours he's been out; he has a tendency to get caught up in his own thoughts. He stands, cracking his back and heading home, not bothering to text any of his brothers his whereabouts.

"You really weren't pretending?"

"Shut up."

Evening finds him sliding into the bench at Chibita's oden cart, the owner grinning at him and saying "Yo."

Karamatsu only raises a hand in greeting back as he shuffles to get comfortable, responding with "One beer, please."

The other turns his head to the side and spits on the ground, pouring alcohol into a plastic cup. "Where're yer brothers, ya idjit?" He asks, handing Karamatsu the cup over the sections of steaming oden. Karamatsu shrugs, his shoulders slumping slightly, and sips the cold liquid, the foamy bubbles tickling his nose. Chibita sighs and props his elbow on the counter, perching his chin in his hand. "So? What's up?"

Karamatsu swallows and looks up at him quizzically. Chibita rolls his eyes, looking at the other like it's obvious. "Ya haven't struck a damn pose at all, idjit."

He reaches over and grabs a stick, skewering a slice of konjac and a fishcake to munch on while Karamatsu bites his lip, cradling his beer like a baby. "I," he starts, "think I'm worrying too much."

Chibita's expression turns to one of vague interest. "So?" He prompts.

Karamatsu wipes his eyes furiously with his sleeve, sniffling snot back into his nose. "I care too much about those idiots and they don't care about me at all!" He bursts out, tears dripping into his cup. "Even our mom likes them better than me!"

"Hey, hey." Chibita mumbles, hopping off his seat and circling around to the bench where Karamatsu sits then sliding in next to him. "What're ya even concerned about?"

"I don't know." He cries. "Osomatsu nii-san smokes too much, Ichimatsu disappears too often, Jyuushimatsu doesn't have any friends--" He stops to sniff and breathe. "Choromatsu takes care of everyone else instead of himself, and Todomatsu hates us!" He buries his face in his hands and wails. "What do I do, Chibita?!"

"Oi!" Said person yells, effectively shutting Karamatsu up. He exhales before speaking again. "'Re any of yer brothers unhappy?"

"Eh?" is Karamatsu's answer.

Chibita sighs before repeating himself. "'Re any of yer damn brothers unhappy with how they are now?"

Karamatsu sniffs and rubs his eyes, thinking before answering. "Maybe," He begins, then deflates. "not."

"Then whaddya got to worry about, idjit!" Chibita says, crossing his arms. "If they ain't got a problem then don't waste yer time on them, dammit!"

Karamatsu shrinks into his seat and sips his beer inconspicuously. "But--"

"But nothing, ya damn idjit." Chibita finishes, hopping off the bench and standing as tall as he can with his lack of height. "Now get the hell out, dammit."

"I wish you'd just hate me already."

"...I think I'd like to, too."

It's already past 9 when he gets home, the stars winking at him through clouds as he quietly slides the door open, taking his shoes off and walking into the living room. The only face to greet him there is ESP kitty, stretching its legs and meowing at Karamatsu. He rubs behind its ears affectionately before heading over towards the stairs and going up them, his socks padding quietly against the wood.

The sight that awaits him within his and his brothers' bedroom is the futon thrown over not five, but four snoring bodies. The two spaces right of Todomatsu's sleeping form are unusually empty, and Karamatsu feels the anxiety creep in. He staggers out towards the bathroom, hoping for a splash of cold water against his face, haphazardly flipping the light switch and twisting on the faucet. The frigid shock of wet on his face snaps him back to reality, albeit doing nothing for his uneven breathing. He grips the counter with white knuckles, squeezing his eyes shut as he tries to forcibly slow his lungs.

He's taken off guard by the sudden warmth against his back, feeling suspiciously similar to a rather pudgy brother. A pair of arms winds around his torso from behind, hands coming to rest at his sides in fists. Karamatsu's breath catches in his throat as he stumbles closer to the counter accidentally, his grasp on it loosening. "Ichi..matsu?" He croaks out.

It's as if a switch is flipped. Ichimatsu pulls away from him roughly, simultaneously grabbing the front of Karamatsu's shirt and tugging him closer until they're nearly nose to nose. Tears prick at the other's eyes and threaten to spill; because of Ichimatsu or because of the previous situation, he doesn't know. Ichimatsu's half-lidded gaze bores into him like knives, and Karamatsu swears he sees his brother's lip wobble. He doesn't have much time to wonder if it really did or not, as Ichimatsu pulls his arm back and swings forward.

His grip is lost with Karamatsu tumbling to the ground, blood already leaking from his nose. He grabs it and winces, furiously trying to blink away tears before they slip down his face. "What the hell?!" He shouts, too caught up in his own emotions to worry about waking the others. Ichimatsu doesn't respond, instead kneeling and straddling the other, Karamatsu's collar balled in their clenched fists. He bites his lip, looking up in irritation at his younger brother as he opens his mouth to speak.

"That's kinda lonely though, don't you think?"

"It's not as if I'd know the difference."

Karamatsu just stares.

"What?" He says, dumbfounded. Ichimatsu grits his teeth and digs his nails into his palms through Karamatsu's shirt. "I said I fucking worry too, Shittymatsu, so don't fucking dare coming home that late again."

Karamatsu continues to stare, putting two and two together at the speed of a snail. He'd never taken Ichimatsu's anxiety into account-- only his own.

Despite the tension in the air, Karamatsu's lips stretch into a small smile, soon widening into a full blown grin. Ichimatsu looks taken off guard as wobbly tears finally tip over the edge and roll down his cheeks, making his face redden as he sniffles. "I'm sorry," he says, smiling ear to ear, "I didn't know."

Ichimatsu's eyebrows raise in surprise as he bites his lip, burying his face in the crook of Karamatsu's neck. The latter feels his brother's own tears soak into his shirt, and he lifts his arms to wrap them around the other. "I'm sorry." He repeats. "I'm sorry."

They stay locked together like that for a while, all red faces and snotty noses and wet eyes as they grip the backs of each other's shirts. Neither of them seem to take note of the two pairs of eyes peering inside at them, grinning to themselves. Choromatsu and Todomatsu look back to each other, bumping their fists together silently.