Work Text:
You were only so strong, could only take so much.
You had been doing so good, managed to stay clean for a few months now.
But this was too much. It was so easy to let your self-worth dwindle because of what you view as your faults. It’s tiring assigning numbers and material achievements to your idea of self. Whether it was a test score back in high school, a number on the scale, a social interaction gone wrong, or an empty social battery; it was never enough. All of these things could create a tornado in your head, completely obliterating and destroying everything in its path, everything logical in your thinking. Today, the smallest issue acted as the draft of air, pushing your doubts about yourself into a spiraling storm.
You’re about to break the promise. Sat on the edge of your bed, warm blankets beneath you doing nothing to stop the shaking in your hands, you gripped the small blade. Sliding your pants down just enough to expose your flawed skin. A forgotten YouTube video plays in the background on your phone, filling the room’s silence. It was just a failed attempt at distracting yourself.
Now, you brought the blade to your thigh and bit your lip. Painting lines of red was all you knew how to do when things became too hard. Things were always hard, so you thought maybe it was your fault.
So I must punish myself.
So that’s what you did.
The sharp pain brought tears to your eyes and you hated that you were so weak.
Just a few lines across your skin. If you squinted, you could see the faint healed lines from before, parallel to the new ones. You learned to hate the fact that they weren’t dark. Even now, you could place value on your shortcomings.
Not dark enough. Not enough lines. Not enough blood. Not enough, not enough, not enough.
Then, a knock on your door, and your hands stilled. It opened and your boyfriend walked in, headphones over his ears and phone in hand. You must’ve not heard him come home in your distracted, dissociated state.
“Hey, I finished up at the studio early. Changbin was a real help tod…” He started, then made eye contact with your disheveled self. You felt his eyes move down towards your leg. The slightest rise in his brows and parting of his plush lips depicted his concern.
“Oh… Baby,” He whispered, then immediately rushed over to you, ridding of his headphones. You stayed silent and moved your gaze to the floor.
“Hey, it’s okay, I’m here now.” He took the blade from you and placed it to the side and turned off your phone. Kneeling in front of you, he brought his hand to your cheek, giving it a quick graze. It was as if he were afraid you would fall apart.
You met his eyes, looked at him in shame. His face was full of worry, and you hated being the cause of it. He already had so much to worry about.
“It’s okay now. Let me help you get cleaned up.” He said. He quickly went to the bathroom and grabbed a wet cloth to dab the blood away from your cuts. He properly took care of you, making sure you were okay. The fabric rubbing against the fresh lines caused you to grit your teeth. But his free hand held yours throughout it whenever he could. Finally, he placed a large bandage to cover the area.
“Chan, I’m sorry.” You finally said, your voice weak. “I broke our promise.”
He took a seat next to you, his weight causing the bed to dip and you to lean against him. His strong arm muscles exposed by the black tank top he wore pressed against you. His hand once again found yours and squeezed.
“You don’t have to be sorry. I just want you to see that you deserve better, you know. You don’t have to do this.” He responded. Your lips pressed together, unconvinced.
“I was clean for so long.” You whispered, feeling a sense of anger. You couldn’t quite place what you were angry at though. It could be anger at yourself for not being strong enough. Anger at Chan for coming home early and finding you in this state. Anger at your brain for always twisting things into overwhelming chaos. Anger at the world for being so difficult.
“I know, and I’m so proud of you! You’re so strong, but everyone needs help sometimes. That’s why we made the promise.” He told you, “You promised that you would come to me if you ever had these bad thoughts. That way I could be here for you. You don’t have to handle everything alone.”
You couldn’t stop the tears. Without warning, your lip quivered and salty tears flowed down your cheeks. His words always touched you in the deepest ways. With him, you felt so safe, but also so vulnerable. You were so secure with him, but also so afraid. Because when you have Bang Christopher Chan, when you have everything that you love, it makes every day unbelievably precious. It makes every day an uncharted journey of excitement and the unknown treasures of life, but it also means fear. Fear that you can lose it all. So the tears fell.
“I… I know. It’s just hard to think that sometimes. I just don’t want to ruin anything. You already have so much on your plate, and I don’t want to add to that.” You explained as you wiped your tears away.
His hand moved to press flatly on your back and rub soothing circles. His touch helped to ground you and you felt your insecurities move back into the background of your thoughts. Right now, he was beside you and he was real. You were enough to him.
“I meant it when I said I’ll be here for you whenever. It doesn’t matter if any deadlines for songs are coming up, or if I have interviews to prepare for. You’re my world and I’ll make time for you so you can keep going.” He spoke passionately.
You turned to him with wide eyes. In this moment, it was so obvious that his love for you overpowered any negative thoughts you had about yourself. All you could do is stare at him and see his beauty, inside and out. Not only did he have the brightest, most caring eyes, the cutest dimples, and a heart-melting smile, but he was also selfless. How did you end up so lucky?
“That was a bit cheesy, wasn’t it.” He sighed, breaking the silence. You managed a weak laugh.
“No, no! Thank you, Chan, for being here for me.” You leaned towards him and he got the message.
His arms brought you into a hug. Your face pressed against his chest and he held you close. A hand soothingly rubbed the back of your head, causing you to sigh in relief. His gentle fingers grazing your scalp helped to relax you and your breathing slowed. In his arms, you had nothing to worry about other than his chest expanding against you as he breathed and his touch warming you.
“I’ll always be here for you, my love.”