Chapter Text
Chimney feels like there’s a rock resting on his chest, a burden preventing him from moving or speaking or even breathing as he stares at the set of papers in front of him, his fiancées concerned eyes staring into him from where she is sitting beside him, her hand clasped over his. He always knew that this day would come when he finally decided to move on with his life, but he never truly prepared himself for what it would feel like to sit in front of a lawyer, gazing down at legal documents that would declare a woman that he’d been in love with all those years ago dead. It’s not like it’s hitting him just now that she’s never coming back and she’s gone forever; it’s something that he had to accept a long time ago, with the help of his friends and family, mostly because he never got closure about what happened to Melissa, why she disappeared, or even the ability to have a funeral for her and bury her body. That first year had been the toughest because he tried to hold onto hope that one day she’d be found and she would come back to him, and they would find a way to keep going, but as one year turned into two and then into three, it was fair to say that the odds of her being found dead or alive decreased substantially. In his heart, he accepted that something horrific happened to her, stealing her away from her husband and the rest of her family, but signing these papers is going to make it all too real, like he’s reopening those wounds he’d thought he had closed.
“Howie, you don’t have to do this,” his fiancée insists, and out of the corner of his eye he sees the lawyer stand up and walk out of the room, giving the couple some privacy. Chimney wishes that he was stronger than this, that he could stare his past in the face and put it behind him, before moving on with this beautiful, loving woman who accepted a man with so much baggage without trying to change him or without shaming him for the trauma he carried after his wife disappeared into thin air without explanation. Sometimes he doesn’t know what good deeds he had done in a past life to not have one but two amazing women fall in love with him, wanting to spend the rest of their lives with Chimney, and in Melissa’s case that had ended up being true but death had separated the couple far sooner than it should and Chimney had ended up wielding a title that was far too unsuitable for a thirty year old man - widower . He thought he could do this; this entire week he had been mentally preparing himself for coming here and signing these papers and officially closing this chapter of his life so he could open a new one with Maddie. It was a needed step that had to be done if he wanted to become her husband; as long as Melissa wasn’t legally declared dead, Chimney was still technically married.
“How long, Maddie? How long can you wait before you decide that you deserve better?” He pushes himself off his chair, his restless energy demanding that he pace back and forth, while Maddie remains seated, crossing one leg over the other, and she’s always been good at that, sensing when he needs to vent without wanting her to provide any solutions and when he needs that comfort without him having to actually say it out loud. The last thing he wants is for Maddie to think that he’s not committed to this life that they have built together, something he never thought he would have in the aftermath of Melissa’s disappearance, and he doesn’t know how to express his gratitude that she accepted him for all of his broken and flawed parts, and sometimes he goes to sleep at night thinking that he would wake up the next morning and discover that it was all a dream. That maybe he would wake up alone in his bed, still the grieving lonely man he’d been in the aftermath of his wife vanishing into thin hair and not the fiancé and father that he gets to be after Maddie walked into his life and he got to experience a second chance at love. But it’s not a dream, although he still wrestles with doubts and insecurities with whether he can give Maddie what she truly deserves and it’s in moments like these he realizes that he may not be able to do so, and yet he’s not selfless enough to let her go and be with someone else who’s not as burdened by his past and his trauma as Chimney is.
When he proposed to Maddie, it had been with the idea that they would eventually get married, otherwise he wouldn’t have popped the question at all, but he figures that things would have gotten tense and complicated if he had continued dragging his feet and he’d never want the person he loves to think that he’s not a hundred percent committed to their relationship ship, their family and to this beautiful life that they have built together. Maddie has brought him the kind of happiness he didn’t think he was worthy of, certainly not when he was in early twenties drifting from job to job, trying to find purpose, and not when he was grieving the loss of his wife, and all he wants is to continue taking care of his favorite people in the world - his fiancée and their daughter. More than once he’s wondered whether things would have been different if he and Melissa had had a kid, but he shoves that thought away whenever it arises, just devastating him with the reminder that she never got to achieve her dreams of becoming a mother while Chimney got to become a parent with another woman. The guilt he’d felt when he had first started having feelings for Maddie, like he was doing something wrong in moving forward and leaving his marriage behind when Melissa would never get the chance to do the same, and it had taken a lot of time to stop letting that guilt from allowing him to live his life. “It’s been six years, I should be able to do this,” he says, hating the fact that he can hear the crack of his own voice.
“And you should know by now that trauma recovery and grief doesn’t have a timeline,” Maddie responds softly, pushing herself up from her chair and walking towards him, and he thinks about how her voice is one of her biggest assets when it comes to doing her job as an emergency room nurse and how relaxed her patients must feel when she’s standing there beside them, holding their hand and helping them get through the most terrifying moments of their lives. And when Chimney has had a hard day at work, getting home to his girls, hearing Maddie’s voice and Jee’s babbles takes away all the stress and anxiety he’s been carrying from a shift where he may have lost a patient or two or seen both the best and the worst of humanity. “Who knows better than us that old trauma has its way of coming back and biting us in the ass?” Maddie continues, her eyes softening, and he shudders when he remembers how close he had come to losing his partner once again, this time to postpartum depression, only adding to his insecurities about not being a good partner and his doubts about whether the universe had a problem with allowing Howard Han to be happy. “It’s been more than two decades since Daniel died, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t days where it’s hard to reconcile with what happened, especially given how long I’d spend suppressing those emotions inside of me. And you wouldn’t be the man that I love if doing this today, closing this chapter of your life for good and declaring her dead, was easy for you.”
Chimney puts his arm around her waist and pulls her into a tight embrace, wondering how he could have gotten so lucky to have this amazing woman understand him as well as she does. “It’s just bringing it all back, I guess,” he whispers, eyes closed, his chin resting on the top of her head, his hand placed on the small of her back, and he takes comfort in the sound of her breathing and in the fact that when they get home they’ll go back to being toddler parents whose lives revolve around their two and a half year old chaotic child, an angel who certainly kept her parents on their toes. “Those first few days were filled with so much uncertainty, you know, so many questions that I didn’t have answers to and neither did the police, and I didn’t need evidence of foul play to know that someone had done something very evil to her, because there’s no way in hell that she wouldn’t have come home to me. Somewhere along the way she ran into the kind of evil that you and I know exists in this world, and sometimes I wonder how in the fuck are we supposed to protect Jee-Yun from it. There is so much that we can’t control; there are so many times where I’ve thought that my life is coming to an end and then a miracle occurs and I end up back where I want to be, but why? Why did her life come to an end and mine didn’t? Why did she get taken from me in the first place?”
“I don’t have the answer to that,” Maddie says, lifting her head up from his chest and staring up at him, her hand squeezing his. “But I do know this. Melissa knew just how much you loved her, and she died knowing that you would have done anything for her, and do you know how I know that? Because any time I get scared or worried or tense, you’re the only one I want by my side, and I’m sure she felt the same way about you. I’m sure that you were an amazing husband to her the way you are going to be for me someday, but if you need more time to come to terms with getting married again, Chimney, I’m good with that.” He puts his hands on his face before he kisses her, a moan leaving Maddie’s lips as her arms come around his neck, and he’ll never get over this for as long as he lives. Life’s too short for that, as he had found out the hard way with the way his marriage had come to an end and he doesn’t want Maddie to think that he’s taking her for granted, when it’s the exact opposite. It can all come to an end in the blink of an eye and Chimney doesn’t want to lose sight of that, and if he could get married to Maddie without signing these papers that officially declare Melissa dead, then he’d do it without hesitation, but right now it feels like he’s turning his back on his wife once again. He had searched high and low for her after she’d disappeared, he had spread his story as far wide as he could, begging reporters to talk about her in their crime coverage, he had pressured the police to continue treating her case like it could be sold, and he’d even eventually doled out a lot of money for a private investigator but it had all amounted to nothing. And despite all of his efforts, he still feels like he didn’t do enough.
“I want to marry you, Maddie. I meant what I said when I got down on one knee and asked you to become my wife.” There are tears in his eyes now, thinking about how he’s always tried so hard to honor his past without letting it affect his future, even when it hasn’t always been so easy, like when history seemed to be repeating itself and Maddie’s depression had reared its ugly head and she had left him and their six month old daughter with nothing more than a video note explaining that she was sorry and they’d be better off without her. Of course he had read between the lines though and figured out that she was in actual danger, not because of some external threat that could harm her but because her own mind had been whispering lies making her believe that she was worthless and a burden on her family when that couldn’t be the farthest thing from the truth. Maddie and Chimney have fought so damn hard for their relationship, and he knows that it’s her love for him and their daughter that had pulled her out of that ocean and he’d always be grateful for that, because he’s sure that he wouldn’t have been able to survive losing another partner, and this time he wouldn’t be able to blame anyone but himself. “You know, someone else in your shoes would have questions about whether I have truly moved on from Melissa.”
Chimney doesn’t and can’t explain why those words have suddenly left his mouth now, but it does make Maddie take a step back, her brows furrowing, arms covering her chest now in a move he recognizes as a defense mechanism. There’s so much that his wife and fiancée have in common with each other - both brunettes with warm brown eyes and hearts that were too big for their own good. One of the theories the police had given him was that someone had managed to lure Melissa into a trap by either faking a car accident or by pretending to be injured, and Chimney wouldn’t have been surprised by that because she wouldn’t have been able to turn her back on someone who needed assistance, something she shares with his current partner who had gotten herself shot, way before she and Chimney ever met, trying to get her best friend out of a bad situation and protecting her almost at the cost of her own life. Most women wouldn’t be so understanding that Chimney’s not able to easily close one chapter of his life, because not signing these papers is what will prevent them from getting married, and he knows Maddie deserves better than someone who’s still being held back by his past. He just wants to make sure that there are no lingering doubts in her mind about how much he loves her and how she’s the one he’s with now and she’s not just a consolation prize he’s held onto after losing his wife.
“I love you, Howard,” she says, interlacing their fingers together and bringing their hands up so they rest on his chest, while she uses her other hand to tilt his chin downwards so he’s staring her right in the eye. “I love you for your strengths and your flaws, for your trauma and the joy that you bring. And what kind of person would it make me if I expected you to forget the first woman that you married? What you went through shaped the man that you became; you would have been someone different if Melissa never died and we obviously would not be together right now. She’s gone now but we’re still here, and as long as you’re committed to making this relationship work, to wanting to get married to me, then I could never have any doubts that you have moved past your first wife, and I know that wherever she is, she’s happy that you have found love again, because you deserve everything good in this world and more, Howard Han, and I couldn’t have asked for a better, more supportive fiancé and for our daughter to have a better father. We’re a family, we’re going to get through this no matter what. You’re not getting rid of me that easy,” she adds, a sharp, sly smile on her face now as she traces her hand down his chest and he’s overwhelmed by the love that he feels for her.
“I would never want to,” Chimney states, pressing his lips to her forehead, thinking about those few brutal months that they’d spent alone while Maddie had been recovering from her depression, and he’s not sure that he’s been able to forgive himself for how massively he had screwed up with regards to her mental illness and how out of sync they had been with each other even after she’d returned. But it was like his mother used to say - those who are meant to be usually find their way back to each other and that’s exactly what Maddie and Chimney had done, and he can’t imagine coming home now and not being greeted by his two girls. “And I can’t wait to become your husband.” Her grin widens and she leans up to rub her nose against his, returning back to her feet and walking back over to the table. “I want to sign those papers, Maddie. But maybe I just … I need to reminisce a little bit about Melissa before I say goodbye to her once and for all.” Her eyes soften, and he knows without her having to say a word that Maddie gets it, that she’s always understood his grief in a way that no one else has, partly because she had lost her brother at such a young age and had been forced to swallow it which has led her to doing the exact opposite when it comes to Chimney mourning Melissa.
He doesn’t know who he would have become if he hadn’t met Maddie Buckley and fallen in love with her, because she has given him so much love and support that he might not have had otherwise. When they met, they were two traumatized individuals who were stuck in place, him because of his grief over Melissa and her because of a shooting that had almost led to her death, unable to face the mental scars that had left her with after almost bleeding out on the floor of her own emergency room. And where would he be if that incident had actually ended up killing her, because he wouldn’t have found love in her and they wouldn’t have their beautiful baby girl? As grateful as he is for the support system that he had in the aftermath of Melissa’s disappearance, people who stuck by him when all he wanted to do was wilt away and maybe drown himself in alcohol as a method of numbing the pain, he’s not sure he would have been able to be as settled and solid as he has been for the last few years if he didn’t have a family of his own, people that he can come home to, people who adore him and who depend on him for their happiness like Maddie and Jee do, and none of that means he’s ever forgotten Melissa or that he’s given her place in his heart to Maddie, because love doesn’t work that way. He’ll always love Melissa, and he’d had to work his way through the guilt that came with moving forward and loving someone else, but that’s not the thing that’s holding him back now.
“Come on,” Maddie holds her hand out for him and he takes it, rubbing his thumbs over each of her knuckles in turn, thinking about how they’d resisted their attraction to each other for months, neither of them thinking that they were healed enough to jump into a relationship, and Chimney wasn’t even exactly in a place where he could do a no strings attached, friends with benefits kind of deal. They tried to pretend like they both thought that they would be better off as friends, but ultimately the chemistry was too intense to ignore and Maddie and Chimney caved and his life has never been the same since then. Of course getting together with Maddie brought a whole wave of grief and guilt onto his shoulders because in the early days it felt like he was cheating on his wife and Melissa deserved better than that. He had countless conversations with his friends and family where they tried to convince him that it didn’t make him the worst person in the world to want to be with Maddie about two years after Melissa’s disappearance, after it was all but confirmed that something terrible had happened to Chimney’s wife that meant that she’d never come back to them. And he’s grateful that Maddie has never pressured him to put his past in the rearview mirror and has always been gentle and understanding about it, giving him space on the hard anniversaries and Melissa’s birthday. “We’ll take these home and you can take your time and sign them when you’re ready.”
One thing Chimney vows is that he’ll never let anything come in between him and Maddie, that he will do whatever it takes, including going back to therapy, if that’s what it takes to get this final closure on Melissa. His wife’s dead but he’s still here and he has this beautiful woman standing in front of him who is ready to become Mrs Han, and the wedding may just be a formality because they’re already a family and they’ve been living together for so long and they’re raising a child, but Chimney wants to do this. He wants to have Maddie walk down the aisle in a white wedding dress that fits her perfectly, glowing with happiness, and he wants to become her husband, because when she looks at him with her eyes shining and that mesmerizing smile on her face, he can forget everything that worries him and just focus on the fact that he’s loved by her. The universe hasn’t been kind to either of them and tragedy has seemed to define the lives that they have lived up until this moment, with Chimney’s life having changed three times with the loss of people that he loved and Maddie experiencing the loss of her brother herself and that trauma shaping the course of the rest of her life, culminating in her becoming a nurse and ending up at the hospital where she almost died. And yet despite it all they have managed to create something amazing, something wonderful, vowing to give Jee the childhood that they never had. “Yeah,” he whispers, his hand dropping to her waist to give it a squeeze. “Let’s go home.”