Chapter Text
She was mindlessly stretching; every stretch and every posture were almost a second nature to her after so many years. She exhaled, relaxing her back and leaning onto her legs, chest against tights. That day was different though, a weird day and a weird week since they learnt that he was coming.
Carmen Berzatto this, Carmen Berzatto that; it was all she heard all week. He was studying abroad in the UK's most prestigious academy. He was proficient in classical and everything he tried. No one could match his posture, expression, strength and lightness. Everyone was talking about him and she was sick and tired of hearing it, because of course she knew.
She was fully aware that the boy was a once-in-a-generation talent; a prodigy. But what no one knew was that she had met him before when they were kids; they briefly coincided in some classes in Chicago and she was impressed by him from that moment on. Syd had a raging crush for the longest time, but Carmen didn’t really look her way at all during those classes and they never saw each other again. She knew all the places he went to though, knew who his family was; she knew everything that was available on social media. It had to be a fact that no one knew as much about Carmen Berzatto as her.
She wasn’t ready for everybody foaming at the mouth to meet and see him. It was annoying, it was like sharing something that was hers. In reality it wasn’t, she knew that, but it still felt that way. She had been obsessing over his career for years, dreaming of the possibility of crossing paths and being dance partners, but once Carmen left the country she thought he’d never come back.
“Can you imagine being partnered with him?” She heard Laura giggle to her friend and Syd rolled her eyes.
She couldn’t escape it; no one stopped talking about him. Chatter before, during and after class; people talking about it in the corridors. It was irritating because no one wanted to be dance partners with him more than her, she was sure of it. She simply knew it. Not Laura, not Stacy, not Angelika; no one. She was the one that wanted it the most. She wanted to ask the other girls if they watched every video of Carmen dancing that was out there. She studied the way he grabs his partners; did the girls know the microexpressions he makes while concentrating? While straining? How his left eyebrow twitches once in a while when he is at the end of a performance?
Sometimes she felt a little envious of him; it all seemed so easy for Carmen. So flawless, his arches were perfect, his genetic predisposition giving him a boost that made him instantly stand out. She didn’t have that. She didn’t have that at all. He was a prodigy with innate abilities but she was an excellent dancer that worked harder than anyone She tried, tried, tried . She didn’t have genetically loose articulations, her splits and elasticity were the result of years of pain; of forcing and molding her body into something that it wasn’t designed to be.
In fact, she had been told from a young age that she wasn’t built for it. She was told her arches were mediocre, she was too big, had too much fat on her bones, torso too long. She spent her pre-teen and teenage years at war against her own body, molding herself, practicing and perfecting everything that needed to be better. She then reached a point in which she was winning the war; she was eighteen and she had reached the physique she had dreamt of. She was lean and bony but her lean muscles were strong; she was stronger than anybody. Her body could take as much training as she put it through. No one in that institute could do pirouettes like her, no one could really do what she was capable of.
That was supposed to be her year and Carmen coming to her place shook everything, it was throwing her off not knowing what to expect. The anticipation, how excited everyone was; she didn’t match everyone’s energy because she couldn’t afford distractions. Maybe a couple of years ago she would have been bouncing the walls out of excitement, but at that moment she had to focus. That was what she kept telling herself.
Seeing him in person after all those years knocked the air out of her lungs. He looked even better in person, the videos didn’t do him justice. His body was carved to perfection; her eyes lingered on his arms and hands, mouth dry while imagining those hands holding her while dancing. She squinted, surprised at how shy Carmen looked. Despite his facial expression remaining neutral and polite, his cheeks were red and he refused to acknowledge any praise thrown at him.
That first day their eyes locked for one moment, the longest he held gaze with anyone in the institute and her heart fluttered annoyingly. Did he also remember her? Most probably not, and it was no use in thinking about that, but she kept wondering after Carmen’s mouth corners went slightly up while looking at her.
_
She was chugging water on her own when Ms.Terry approached her. The woman had a very toothly and gummy smile; she was always either smiling or carrying the most serious facial expression, there was no in between. Most students were terrified by her presence and commands but Syd always made sure to act normally around her. Yes, she admired Terry and she constantly learnt from the woman, but she was no God in Sydney’s eyes. She made sure to treat her with respect but also Syd’s chin remained high while speaking to her. Syd didn’t slouch or make herself smaller in her presence, she wasn’t intimidated by anybody.
“Sydney, I was trying to find you, I’m going to try you out with Carmy today.”
She choked on the water. For the first time in years with Ms. Terry, Syd wasn’t composed.
“Oh, dear, be careful.” The woman hit her back twice with the palm of her hand.
“Ma’am?” She frowned in confusion.
“Carmen Berzatto. I call him Carmy, sorry for the confusion. I’m trying you out with him for the partnering class. I’d like to see how you two do together.”
The woman’s eyes shone the same way they did when she was inspired or ‘possessed’, like it was frequently referenced among students. Ms. Terry was a very passionate person and she often got into moments of inspiration that made her eyes look almost maniac with excitement.
“Of course. Yes, Ma’am.”
“Perfect, then.” Ms. Terry gave her one more smile and Syd had to grip the closest wall when the woman was out of sight.
The water she just drank seemed to be rising up and ready to hit the back of her throat. She put a hand on her stomach and took a deep breath, trying to remember that she had been much better at that. She wasn’t throwing up uncontrollably anymore and she was proud of herself for that, but she couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that they wanted to try her out with Carmen. With Carmy.
“Fuck,” She ran to the closest bathroom and her knees hit the hard floor. Only water and a protein bar came up. Someone was in the bathroom as well; she hated that everybody thought she was bulimic, she was not. She would never lose control like that, she was simply prone to stress-vomiting, food sometimes looked repulsive, needed TUMs to survive and watched what she ate like everybody else, sue her.
She cleaned her mouth with the back of her hand, taking deep breaths and trying to slow down her heartbeat.
That could be so good for her, she was the one chosen to be tried with Carmen. She didn’t want to get ahead of herself and think that they would be partnered. No, that was not going to happen. She was probably chosen just because. When she stood up and flushed the toilet she felt her mind clearer. She had to get a grip, she couldn’t allow Carmen’s presence to cause internal chaos. She had way too much on stake.
In the morning, girls and boys had separate classes, and Sydney could feel the electric air in the girls’ studio. The energy was different, every girl was buzzing and excited for the partnering class. They hadn’t danced with Carmen yet but his presence seemed to be everywhere.
When it was time for partnering, she remained composed while half the dancers embarrassed themselves. She glanced at the mirror pretending not to care when Carmen came through the door. He didn’t need to be guided into her direction; he was soon close to her and Syd could feel the collective murmur around her in her bones. It was both thrilling and a little overwhelming.
For a second she wished she had eaten something to make up for the protein bar she threw up, because Carmen’s piercing eyes were making her knees weak.
“Um–hi, I’m Sydney.” She said, adjusting her position to start.
“Uh, yes. Hi. Carmen.” He mumbled and cleared his throat.
She looked at him again, surprised to see his cheeks crimson again. How shy was he? To be fair you could see the collective excitement from almost everyone in that room, but was he not used to that much attention? He was America’s most promising male dancer; he had to be used to it.
“Up and down, and stretch long legs…fifth, fifth, sixth. And one front cross behind. Yes, and back position.”
Ms. Terry kept giving indications during the warm-up and she kept glancing at Carmen; he didn’t really look at anyone but a fixed spot in front of him. Most people were sweaty after warm-up and looked a mess, but Carmen looked as composed as ever, it was almost fascinating.
They moved to the center of the hall and they moved to Adagio exercises, she felt comfortable with the movements, moving as controlled and fluidly even when feeling Carmen’s gaze on her more than once. They moved to jumps and turns and soon they were in the meat of the class–partnering skills.
Soon Carmy’s hands were on her waist and it was all a blur after that.
Once at home she kept staring at the ceiling. She took a shower but she couldn’t erase the feeling of Carmen’s hands all over her waist; his hands holding her arms, her hands. His arm circling her waist and lifting her with ease. She had done that with countless boys before but that time it was different.
She ran her fingertips over the skin on her stomach, mapping it and taking deep breaths. She never experienced partnered dancing like that before. Carmen held her in a way that when it was time to run and leap she had no fear, he held her and placed her perfectly. While still touching the skin on her stomach and laying there on her bed, she remembered how Carmen made her experience the most controlled partnered pirouettes.
She routinely brushed her ribs poking out, they were stretching her skin with her deep breaths. She closed her eyes, head a little dizzy, partially due to barely eating that day and in part because of Carmen. He watched her so attentively, he predicted her and adjusted himself to her. He felt her, like no one else did before. He even knew the adjustments she wanted to make before she made them, it felt like magic.
The skin on her waist felt on fire from Carmen’s touch but her chest was bursting. Her heart rising once again, remembering how Ms. Terry watched them, how everybody in that room kept eyes on them. She tried her best to match his grandiosity, it was her moment to really show everyone how she was ahead of most of her peers. A smile invaded her and she buried her face on her pillow; allowing herself to rejoice. Syd allowed herself to smile at how easy it all felt while partnered with Carmen. That was how it was supposed to be between partners, she knew.
_
It seemed like Carmen didn’t really fit in with any group of boys, only with Luca but he still looked uncomfortable around Luca’s friends. She had been watching Carmen be mostly on his own and it intrigued her. Was it because he was genuinely shy or because he was on a high horse? A lot of people, mostly guys, were very jealous of Carmen and kept talking about how it seemed like Carmen thought he was too good to be with the rest. She didn’t think that was the case but she was not going to start defending someone she didn’t really know. She was smart enough to stay out of mess and gossip.
She was accumulating her fair share of envious girls too. So many of them approached her with a fake smile, pretending to be friends and asking Syd to tell them more about the mystery of Carmen. She didn’t have much to say, which was not something the other girls appreciated, but there was truly not much to mention to people that had seen him in the same room too. The boy was excellent, so he was also an excellent dancing partner; there was no denying that.
“I think they are switching them up.” She heard before class and kept her head low, pretending she didn’t hear anything.
“I heard too.”
She kept applying tape around her toes , gaze down and pretending she wasn’t listening.
“Heard he doesn’t want to be partnered with her anymore.” She could hear the delight in the girl’s voice.
She forced her face not to react, but her stomach felt tying itself into knots. It was just gossip, right? Just gossip from jealous girls. Her stomach felt ready to act up but she breathed through it, there was no time for her to take a trip to the bathroom; the class was about to start.
The class went on and it felt like torture, she kept wondering if that was it. What happened? Did she fuck up? Did she mess up so badly that Ms. Terry didn’t want her partnered with Carmen anymore? Did Carmen really not want her as a partner anymore?
When they were dancing separately, she wondered if she had been fooling herself. Was she in a narcissism fueled dream in which she convinced herself she was the best match for Carmen? Because she was sure Carmen would make anyone look good. They didn’t talk that much, so she had no clue what he might be thinking.
After that, she pushed herself to her very limit for the entire week. Proving everyone that she was worthy of it, that she was meant for it. Her muscles screaming at her while in class and back at home; she could barely move from the couch once there.
Day after day she pushed her body right up to a familiar edge. She knew her body perfectly, she knew when to stop to avoid injuries, but she got her body to the edge where it couldn't take it anymore. Carmen often smiled at her and it only made it worse, because if they were not going to be partners, she was just going to forget about him. Pretending like he didn’t exist; no matter how hard that would be.
She should remember not to listen to gossip, not to let other girls get into her head like that, because Ms. Terry said they were partners for the rest of the term after all.
Carmen smiled at her after the news but she quickly exited the room. Anxiety and dread caused by the idea of not being partnered had been eating her stomach from the inside out and her system was ready to let it out. All that contained dread needed to leave her body and she gripped the disgusting toilet while emptying herself.
She was so relieved.
Syd was surprised to find Carmen outside the bathroom, looking so out of place and awkward. He was wearing one of his signature damn white Tees and rubbing the back of his neck. For someone with perfect posture it was fascinating seeing him all curved in on himself whenever he was out of class.
“You–You okay? You looked weird before leaving.”
“Uh, yeah. Yeah, I’m good.” She bit her lip, hoping her breath didn’t reek of vomit. She was out of mints, for fucks sake.
“You looked sick, you sure you are okay?” He kept watching her, his gaze was so intense that it made her feel shy. She didn’t like feeling shy.
“I said I’m good.”
“Okay, okay. Good.” He didn’t know what to do with his hands; she found it cute.
“Are you good with us being partners?” She didn’t know why she asked that. Her heartbeat skyrocketed.
Carmen’s cheeks were already red from the heat of the class but they got worse at that moment.
“Of course. Yes-yeah I’m good.” He bit the insides of his cheek and shifted his weight between legs. “Um, uh, are you?”
“Yeah,” She said nodding, she then tilted her head slightly. “But I want you to know that when I make it, it’s not going to be because of you, it’s going to be because of me. Because I’m good. Okay?”
She folded her arms and held her gaze, for some reason she wanted to look intimidating. It apparently had the opposite effect, because Carmen gave her the biggest smile he showed since arriving.
“I know. I know you are good.” He said matching her posture and folding his arms. They were both leaning onto the wall.
She admired his eyes from up close; such beautiful ocean eyes. She noticed he had a little scar on his cheek and another one close to his hairline. She only became aware she had been watching him in silence when she realized he was doing the same thing. There was something in his gaze; it made her feel small, exposed.
“Good,” She uttered before turning around to leave. She couldn’t be like those girls that kept publicly losing their minds about Carmen. She needed to act unfazed by him despite being shaken to her core.
“Bye Syd,” The boy said softly. So they were close enough for nicknames now?
“See you, Carm.” She didn’t know where that came from but the nickname rolled out of her tongue on its own.
_
The trust she instantly felt while partnering with Carmen only kept increasing. They were quickly doing the most complicated jumps and choreo as if they had been partners for years. She had heard of that before, a connection like that simply clicks at once; it doesn’t take much time. Ms. Terry was notoriously excited about pairing them; the woman looked at them like she was envisioning a future. She didn’t allow herself to think so far ahead though, she was getting closer with Carmy, that was a fact but she still had no clue what his future looked like. Maybe in a couple of months he would be back abroad and far away from her; anything could happen.
They had been sharing lunch together; they talked more but it was also full of comfortable silences. They were both already used to the looks they got, everyone was just curious, theorizing if they knew each other before that or not. Not really understanding why Carmen chose to orbitate around her so often. She should feel insulted but she could understand that it was in fact strange that thee Carmen Berzatto attached himself to one person in particular so notoriously.
She was eating one of her signature meals, a piece of toast, scrambled eggs with only one yolk and two egg whites, low-fat yogurt with berries and an orange. She decided against the orange because her stomach was acting up again. Carmen was eating a fancy looking meat sandwich that made her eyebrows shoot up, it smelled delicious. She didn’t remember when was the last time she ate something so appetizing.
“You know it can be argued that it’s more of a breakfast than a lunch, right?” He told her while pointing at her food.
“I used to have it for breakfast and a protein bar for lunch but I switched them up, I can’t eat that much in the morning now, I don’t know why.” Her mouth was watering looking and smelling Carmen’s sandwich.
The thing was, sometimes she loved eating, sometimes she fucking loved food, but there were weeks in which she didn’t. In which she couldn’t deal with some textures or with eating certain things. There were days in which meat looked nauseating, other days she couldn’t eat something too fibery or too fatty. Also, eating a lot didn’t get anyone far in dancing so she had to develop an insane self-control to be able to close her mouth.
“A protein bar for lunch is…not good.” He said while taking another bite.
“Are you new? Why are you acting surprised? Look around you.” She scoffed, glancing at the meals people were eating around them.
“I’m not surprised, I’m just saying.” He glanced at her, eyeing his sandwich and he stopped mid-bite.
“You want some? I can share.” Carmen offered her sandwich and she recoiled, snapping out of it.
“No, thanks.” She looked down at her food and thought she had enough eggs and toast to leave and compensate for a bite, but she didn’t want to tempt herself like that. They were soon getting their contracts and her anxiety had been through the roof; she should just stick to her routine and eat what she was familiar with. She had a system, she didn’t want to fuck it up.
“Why does it smell so good though? Did you make it?”
“Yeah, it’s–um, it’s my brother’s recipe.”
“Oh, is he a chef or something?” She said, taking a bite of toast. Pretending like she didn’t know Carmen’s family ran a beef sandwich place. She hadn’t found much online about his family that year, but she knew about the shop.
“Uh…yeah, a cook.”
“That’s cool.”
“Can I ask you something?” She tried.
“Sure,” Carmen said, cleaning his mouth and sipping on his water.
She had been meaning to ask but she never got the courage to do it. She finished her yogurt and while scraping the plastic with her spoon she shot.
“Why are you here?”
“Here sitting with you? We-we’ve eating together so I–” He frowned and his eyes got bigger.
“Ugh, no, Carm. Why are you here? Why are you not in England? Why are you studying here?”
“This is the most prestigious place in the US.” He said, almost dodging the topic.
“ Yes, but you were in the Royal Ballet. ” She said feeling a little outraged. She’d never be back if she had that opportunity. “I don’t understand why you are here.”
Carmen looked down, leaving the rest of his sandwich and nibbed at his lip.
“I had to be back.”
“But why? You do know that you are bigger than this place don’t you? You belong where you were.”
“Just, had to be back home.” He said looking at her for one brief second and he started to collect his things.
There was something in his voice that made her regret asking. There was silence and it wasn’t a comfortable one that time.
Fuck, she always had to mess up somehow.
“Wait, I’m-I’m sorry for asking? I…” She grabbed his forearm before realizing what she was doing.
“It’s okay, I just–Luca wanted to show me something. See you later, Syd.”
She watched him go. She looked down at her eggs and they suddenly looked revolting. She gave up on finishing her lunch and kept repeating their interaction in her mind over and over again. She shouldn’t have asked.
Outside was exceptionally cold, so she put on a lot of layers before leaving the institute. That day had kind of sucked, they didn’t have partnering class that day, which only made her overthinking worse since she didn’t see Carmen. That was why she was weary of giving Carmy so much space in her mind; her head had been elsewhere and it showed in her performance of the day. Something she didn’t want to happen.
They usually waited for each other to go home since they both had to take the same route. She wondered if she should wait for him or not, her last class ended earlier, so she had at least ten minutes of waiting before Carmy was out.
While deciding what she should do, she felt a familiar pounding in her chest. It happened in the most random moments; it had happened a few times while in class or exercising, but she didn’t understand why it also happened so often while standing, or sitting down, or even laying down, when she wasn’t doing physical activity.
She really disliked being aware of her heartbeat, it was a sensation that felt disgusting to her. It made her cringe and wish for it to stop but her heart insisted on keeping up its fluttering and flopping. Sometimes it felt like it was flip-flopping inside her chest and like it was skipping beats. There were moments in which her heartbeat was faster than usual, her heart pounded and raced, making her chest throb and ache. At that moment it felt like everything was happening at once.
Her hand found her chest and wishing there weren't so many layers on her, she unzipped her coat. She fixed her gaze on something and wished it stopped soon, it felt uncomfortable and scary. She clenched her fists and warmth crept up her neck. Syd hit her chest with her fist and coughed; it was what usually helped her heart go back to normal when she was too unsettled to focus on her breathing or when she wasn’t in a bathroom to splash cold water on her face.
Stop, stop, stop. She took a deep breath while taking her coat off, she felt too warm.
Syd jumped when a hand found her back and she turned around; Carmen’s eyes found hers. She had forgotten that she was deciding on waiting or not waiting for him.
“Hey, you okay?”
“Yeah,” She nodded while coughing again, feeling how Carmy’s palm didn’t leave her back.
“You good? Syd, are you choking?” He asked and she moved her hand to indicate ‘kind of’. Choking was less embarrassing than whatever was happening.
“Here, drink this.” He gave her his water bottle and she’d find it disgusting if it was someone else’s. She was not a spit sharer.
Carmy kept hitting her back with moderate force. “I’m good, I’m fine.” She said removing the hand that was rubbing her chest and giving Carmy a smile.
She coughed some more while Carmen’s blue eyes bore into hers.
“I’m fine, dude.”
“You sure?” He asked and she nodded. He examined her for a little more while she tried to pretend like her chest wasn’t throbbing. He then bent down and grabbed her things for her.
They started walking towards the subway and it felt uncomfortable again, less than during lunch but still uncomfortable. NYC was not as cold as Chicago in her opinion, but that day the weather was merciless
“You should put this on, it’s freezing.” Carmen said, pointing at her coat in her arms.
“Yeah.” She said, looking up. She had been staring at her shoes while looking down, finally feeling her heartbeat slowly go back to normal.
“Sorry for, before. I’m not going to stick my nose in your private life anymore.” She grimaced. She tried to make it sound lighthearted but it came out bitter instead.
“No, no, I’m-I’m sorry for that. You didn’t do anything wrong.” She frowned, wanting to tell him that it didn’t feel like that.
“I made you uncomfortable, I suppose. It’s okay to tell me to fuck off.” She shrugged.
Carmy gave her a gentle smile. “I wouldn’t tell you that.”
“Oh, trust me, you will if you continue talking to me.”
“It’s just–” Carmen stopped walking and she turned to face him. It was snowy and little flakes were getting in his hair and eyelashes. She hid the bottom half of her face on her scarf, feeling her legs shake from the cold.
“You don’t have to tell me, it’s fine.”
“I came back for my sister–should have done it sooner. She needed me.”
“Oh,” She bit her tongue before asking ‘Why? Is she okay?’
“My family is going through something.” He said and she nodded. She noticed how he seemed to exclude himself.
There was a lot he was not saying but she knew better than to push him. Carmen looked younger, sad, and she didn’t know how to navigate that without fucking up.
“Okay. I understand.” She said hugging herself, limbs shaky. His individual attention was so overwhelming out of the institute; those eyes fixed on hers felt like getting hit but relentless ocean weaves.
“Thanks,” He let out a shaky breath. “I’m not…very good at this. At talking. I’m just–sorry for before.”
“It’s okay. I can probably talk for the both of us anytime.” She joked and slightly pursed her lips in a smile.
He smiled back.
-
In a matter of weeks they kept getting closer and closer. Despite getting used to Carmen’s presence and growing friendship, there was not one day in which she didn’t feel elated from dancing alongside him. That was constant, she still couldn’t believe it.
Syd felt like she was reaching new levels she never reached on her own; like she was unlocking even more skills while constantly perfecting everything she already knew. Dancing with a partner like Carmen was a lesson everyday and she got to do it; she felt like her body learnt from his. It was surprising how he kept predicting her every need everyday; every little adjustment she needed he provided it without her uttering a word.
Classes were very, very repetitive so she spent a lot of time with Carmy’s hands on her body. Countless times in arabesque with Carmen’s hands on her waist and lower back. A lot of their peers were still not fully connected with their assigned partners and the training was not individual so they had to bear while the rest of the class catched up with what they were already doing. Sometimes her mind wandered off, she thought how Carmy never created different lines in her supportive leg whenever she was on pointe. She didn’t have that problem with him, not once, while she experienced it a lot before.
She remembered telling other boys ‘ I’m off my leg’, ‘I’m a little forward’, ‘I’m a little back’. That never happened with Carmy. They were used to vocalizing to the assigned partner when they were off; Ms. Terry didn’t like the passive aggressive little movements of ‘FIX ME’ when the girls were off and the boys didn’t realize they should fix them. Even though their only job was to hold placements sometimes.
She was fascinated by Carmen’s partnering abilities, but he seemed kind of thrilled by her endurance and skills too. The previous day she was complaining about her performance during class and Carmy gave her a ridiculous look.
“I literally never have to really fix you. You hold your posture like no one. Don’t know how you do that.”
He said out of nowhere and she was grateful for her skin because her cheeks felt on fire. Praise gave her the best feeling in the world, but praise coming from Carmen Berzatto? Yeah, that had to be better than drugs. Better than anything.
“Shut up.” She said, bumping her shoulder against his arm. He felt so solid.
“It’s true. Stop talking about yourself like that.”
What the fuck was her life? How did she get to that moment? She had no clue, but she had to be doing things right for Carmen to speak about her like that.
That day during class, she actually was off balance but that was because of something that happened. Her best foot was the left one, the right one had the most injuries and the worst bunion. But her left feet had a bruised toenail and it decided to crack right there.
Carmy frowned, stabilizing her instantly but still surprised by it.
“Yeah, that came off.” She whispered while hissing.
“What?” He whispered back.
“My toenail, it came off.” He grimaced in sympathy before they had to continue.
After class she finally sat down, which was rare for her; they usually left the room to their lockers unless something is up or Ms. Terry wants them to stay longer.
“Sydney. Is it your knee?” Ms. Terry asked her while frowning. She felt embarrassed for sitting down right there but she needed those shoes off right at that moment. She probably should have waited a little longer to not catch attention and look like a crybaby.
“No, Ma’am it’s just a nail coming off.” She dismissed it with her facial expression and hand. Last year Sydney had a serious scare with her right knee twisting that forced her into a brief break and it was prone to injuries from that moment on. It still hurt from time to time but after physical therapy it was better.
“Oh, good. Well, see you tomorrow, dear.” The woman said, relieved that it wasn’t related to her knee and then left the room.
“You are still here.” She said removing her shoe and seeing that Carmy stayed close.
“Did it come off completely?”
“Uh, yeah, I’m sure of it.”
She didn’t really like her feet being on display around anyone that wasn’t a ballerina. She knew it was stupid but for some reason she didn’t like Carmy seeing her damaged skin, the awful condition of her nails and toes. Her bunions were ridiculous for her age and they were all in all a pretty disgusting sight. Not to her, she was proud of them, proud of her work. But that didn’t mean she was okay with other people seeing them, much less Carmen.
She didn’t want to make it weird though, so if Carmy wanted to stick around for the gross part, she was not going to give a girly whine telling him to go away.
“It’s probably gross.” She warned while removing the tape around her toe.
“Nothing that I haven’t seen before.” He crouched and winced when her nail was revealed.
“Fuck, it still a little attached.” She pretended to gag while touching her nail.
“You got this.” He said encouragingly. It was sweet. It was actually sweet someone else other than herself gave a shit about things that were common, yet painful. She was so used to not complaining about pain or things that happened to everybody, that it felt extra comforting that Carmy wanted to be there.
She tried to pull it but it was so gross she actually had to take a moment.
“You want me to do it?” He offered and she opened her squeezed eyes in shock.
“Are you kidding me? No? Why would you want to do this?”
Carmy shrugged. “It’s not gross, it’s just a toenail. Your toenail.” He added, like that was supposed to mean something.
“That’s sweet, thank you, but no.”
“I’m just gonna do it. I’m just gonna do it.” She repeated.
“One, two…” He counted for her and she pulled at three. Hissing and pursing her lips so no sound came out.
“ Fuck.” She groaned, dropping her nail to the floor.
She breathed for a few seconds. “Okay, that’s over with.”
“It’s not that bad, there’s a little tiny toenail underneath it.” Carmy said, squinting for better vision.
“Stop. This is disgusting. But yeah, it’s–it’s not that bad.”
She was glad that moment was over, she was so ready to go home.
“You need to clean that.” He said when she started to move.
“I’ll just let it get infected.” She wasn’t being funny, she was just over it. Carmen looked at her like she had grown a third arm.
“Are you being serious?”
“I don’t want to do it.” She complained, but knowing that she probably should since there were important days ahead of them with the NYCB contracts coming.
“Yeah, that’s not happening.”
“I don’t have my fucking spray here.”
“I saw one today. Wait here, I’ll be right back.”
She was left alone in that big room; just her and the growing feelings for that genius, caring, awkward boy. It felt like the place was not big enough to contain it all. She sighed, shaking her head at her own stupidity and before she could realize Carmen was back.
“Okay, are you ready?” He said shaking the spray and she felt her heart skipping a beat seeing him on his knees ready to patch her insignificant toenail.
“Yeah,” She nodded, her left leg was extended towards Carmy and the other was folded, she was resting on her elbows on the floor bracing for it.
“Jesus. Fuck.” The spray never got easier.
“Do you have liquid bandage?” He asked her while she puffed air out and she nodded signaling her bag.
It took her a while to find it but she was not ready for more pain.
“It’s going to fucking hurt again. I know it.” She said while opening the bottle and taking the brush out.
“It’s almost over.”
She applied the damn thing and almost seized for some seconds, but it quickly got better. Carmy had been actually blowing wind to her toenail so when she looked up they were pretty close. His hair was all over the place and she probably never looked worse but Carmy never looked better than caring for her. It made her chest feel funny in a warm way.
“That sucked.” She whispered, staring at his stupidly pretty face.
“It really sucked.” He said softly and then the spell was broken when they heard a door bang. She applied a cooling tape on her nail and got up.
_
They graduated from Joffrey and it felt like she couldn’t even enjoy it before she got a job contract offer. Graduating was a huge accomplishment though, and her dad kept insisting on celebrating but she simply couldn’t yet. The moment of the contracts finally came. Carmy was getting one without any doubt, but her mind kept overthinking and spiraling, thinking that maybe, for some reason, she wasn’t getting one.
His appointment was before hers and she got a text saying he got one. She answered excitedly and time seemed to go slower than ever while waiting for her turn. For a moment, her entire childhood and adolescence flashed before her eyes; it all led to that moment. All her hard work, her sweat and blood got her there; to the beginning of the career she gave everything else up for.
She intertwined her fingers and cracked her knuckles once more. Soon, it was her time to get inside and she felt floating.
She ran to the place she knew he was waiting for her. Her legs carrying her and she was soon colliding against his chest, arms around his neck. Excitement was clouding her senses and she was ready to apologize but he picked her up and she shrieked out of surprise and pure happiness.
“I got it. I got it. I got it.” She repeated now in a koala and Carmy’s face was on her shoulder, almost on the crook of her neck.
“I knew it. Of course. Of course you did,” He said and her heart was pounding so hard she wondered if he could feel it. It was the best day of her life, nothing could top getting a contract and being in Carmen’s arms like that. It was almost too much, like her body was going to implode from so much joy.
They were looking at each other, his eyes were shining with excitement and she knew she was tearing up. She shook her shoulders, a little wiggle of joy and he hugged her again; his arms wrapped around her torso, her feet still not touching the ground.