Work Text:
“So…” Astarion drawled with an air of faux casualness. “I noticed you’ve snuck off in the night a few times recently. Starting a new tryst are we?” He grinned, flashing his fangs. “But with whom ? We all know dearest Wyll seems to be saving it for marriage. Got tired of waiting? Can’t say as I blame you, but it is going to break our poor hero’s heart.”
Milena’s head snapped up. “ What ?! Astarion– where would you get that kind of idea?” She snapped.
He put a hand to his chest in mock offense. “Why, from your empty bedroll in the wee hours of the morning. Of course I have reason to be up at that hour, but you? ” He clicked his tongue in a disappointed manner, like a school teacher chiding a toddler.
“I’m not– it’s not a tryst for gods’ sake Astarion. I’ve just been having trouble sleeping,” she grumbled crossly.
“Oh I’m sure you have, darling.” His grin had only grown and his eyes were alight with mischief.
“Oh for fucks sake, you always think it’s sex. It’s not always something sordid, alright? And I wouldn’t do that to Wyll.” Milena ignored that slightly guilty pang in her stomach. There was no reason to feel bad about confiding in a friend, but she had been feeling a small amount of guilt that she had not confided her nightmares in Wyll. She knew he would listen to her with compassion but… deep down there was that icy thread of terror. Wyll was the best person she had ever met; at every turn he made the selfless choice, protecting others often to his own detriment. Her past… what she had done to her sister… would he ever see her the same way if he knew?
With a start Milena realized she had been staring at a stick for a long time, lost in thought.
“Y-esss, the long guilty silence speaks strongly to your innocence.”
Milena strongly considered throwing some of the firewood she had collected at the vampire’s head, but decided against it. He would only complain that she had ruined his perfectly coiffed hair. Grinding her teeth, she said, “Look. It’s nothing like that. I’m just… I’ve been having a lot of bad dreams since the Shadow-Cursed Lands and I felt, well, bad about putting it on Wyll since he’s got more than enough on his plate with Mizora and his father. I was just going to reset by myself as usual and I happened to run into Halsin, who basically insisted on listening. It’s bad enough to have to admit to having nightmares to Halsin, let alone explain it to you. It’s nobody’s business, really. I– I can take care of myself.”
“Ah yes, spoken like a true leader. Repress that deep down, keep everyone at arm's length, and pretend like everything is fine. I’m sure that won’t come to bite you in the ass.” Astarion snickered.
Milena scowled at him. “Said the kettle to the pot.”
His grin faltered. Good . No need for him to be throwing stones in his glass house. Astarion pouted at her. “Well that was uncalled for.”
She looked at him sideways and raised her eyebrows.
“Alright, maybe it was. This dream thing really has your panties all in a twist.”
“Your obsession with my panties aside–” Astarion mimed gagging. “-- I’m fine. It’s just… bad memories. The shadow curse reminded me a lot of being in the Underworld and dug up shit I thought I put behind me. I’m dealing with it.”
“The Underworld? And here I thought I was the only undead in camp.”
“You are. I was alive when I entered and alive when I left.”
He raised his eyebrows. “I have to say I’m impressed. That’s no small feat.”
She shrugged, collecting more firewood. “I did what I had to. Ending up there wasn’t my goal at the time, but I did have business to take care of in that land so I wasn’t as distressed as some of my compatriots.”
“You’ve traveled with others before this? I thought we were special.”
“Did you think you were my first?” Milena smirked at him.
“Don’t be fresh,” Astarion chided, smirking back nonetheless.
After a brief pause in which Milena collected wood and Astarion made it look like he was collecting wood, she decided to answer him. “I did. Have a party before you, that is. They were… well, they were reliable, for the most part. We survived together. I wasn’t close with them like I am here. I had a lot on my mind at the time.”
“More on your mind than a mindflayer invasion? Excuse me if I have some doubts.”
“Maybe the world at large didn’t give a shit about it, but it was more important to me than this, yes.”
Astarion seemed taken aback by her unusually open candor. “Truly? What could be more important than surviving this wretched experience?”
Milena paused, the truth on the tip of her tongue. She bit her lip. “I’m not sure you’d understand.”
“I see. Well pardon me then.” The rogue stalked away, prickly at the presumed insult. Well that’s done it again. Way to put your foot in it, Milena. She heaved a sigh. Talking with Astarion was a minefield, and an exhausting one at that. Despite her best efforts, it was nearly impossible to sense what the right thing to say to him was, and she was often setting off his polished defensive walls unintentionally. Reading people was so challenging. She preferred it when she needed to stab something or had to lie her way in somewhere. That was always easier than being “authentic” with people in a way that they understood. Her head throbbed. Stupid worm doesn’t even make it easier to talk to people. Fucker.
Milena found Astarion later after dinner. She had eaten and changed into fresh (well, fresher) clothes and was feeling much less irritable.
“What can I do for you, my friend?” Astarion asked from his perch, one delicate finger tracing the edge of the page.
Milena settled herself on a cushion. “My sister died and it was my fault.”
Astarion lowered his book. “Well good evening to you too.”
“Earlier you asked what was more important than the mindflayer invasion, last time I traveled with a party. My sister had died, and it was because of me. I was… trying to get her back.”
“Wow, that's actually kind of dark. I'm almost impressed.” Astarion looked thoughtful. “If you were trying to get her back I take it this wasn't cold blooded murder?”
“No. I mean she was killed, but not by me.”
“A hit man? Didn't take you as a hired killer type…”
“No I uh. I stole something I shouldn't have, from someone I definitely shouldn't have stolen from. It was something I had coveted for years, and I had finally found it. It was in my hands and nobody knew it was me, since I had used Andi's name to get information. I stupidly thought no one would believe she would steal anything or even tie the two incidents together.” Milena sighed.
“She took the fall?”
“Yes. And it turns out the God of the dead does not forgive easily. His followers cut her down before I even knew something had gone wrong. Argos wouldn't leave after we buried her. And I couldn't even read the damn book.”
“Wait wait wait, the god of the dead ? And for a book? ”
“You don't get to judge, I gave you The Necromancy of Thay.”
“Well sure, but we happened upon that one. I wasn't risking my neck confronting gods for it.”
Milena's cheeks heated.
“This wasn’t a passing fancy I had, you know. I'd worked my whole life for that information. Everything I had ever studied– knowing the information within would make me powerful, respected. I mean, it contained the secrets of the realm of the dead for fuck's sake. I would've died to get my hands on it. I was prepared to give anything to have it.” Milena paused, an unwanted tear sneaking out of the corner of her eye. “Almost anything. I couldn't let it happen to her, not for my mistakes. Her life wasn’t mine to give.”
“What sort of secrets?” The question was sharply casual and Astarion’s eyes sparked with curiosity.
Milena smirked. “I'm sure you'd like to know. But let's just repeat: I entered the Underworld alive, and I exited it alive, too.”
“I see…” The interest burned brightly in Astarion's eyes, but it seemed he was choosing to wait her out on this one. He cocked his head. “So what happened to your sister, in the end? Did you get her back?”
“Yes. But not without cost.”
Astarion simply raised his brows expectantly.
“... let's just say I… I've always understood how someone like Wyll could end up in the position he did with Mizora.”
“Wait, are you telling me you've been a warlock this whole time?!”
Milena laughed. “No, no.” She gazed thoughtfully into the fire. “For Andi I made a promise to a God, got involved in some stuff above my head I had to see through. My… deal came before that. Helped me survive, gave me the information I needed to rescue her. I had to make promises so that I could leave with my life. As for how that turned out, well, why do you think I've been able to make headway breaking Wyll's pact?”
Genuine surprise flitted across the vampire's face. “You broke your pact?”
“Found a way to end it, yep. Good thing, too. I more or less promised my life in service to an immortal being that had eluded the God of the dead and swore on the Styx never to tell a soul about it.”
“Just for one person?! I thought you were smarter than that.”
“If it had been anyone else, sure. But it was Andi .” She shrugged helplessly. “We were always a pair. A matched set, flame and shadow, sun and moon. She had a future, fame, fortune, happiness. You don't get it, you can't, you've never met her. She, she's just– Andi always burned so bright. Everyone loved her, as long as I can remember. When you stand next to her you feel important, valuable. I–”
Milena caught a quick expression on Astarion’s face before he smoothed his features. She felt a door inside herself slam shut and dropped her gaze. Then a spark of anger blazed to life in her belly. “She's important to me. I've never felt that giving what I did wasn't worth it. I survived, I saved my sister, and I’m stronger for it. And I’ll be stronger after all this is done. I have never and will never need anyone's pity.” She stood quickly, palms stinging where her nails dug into her soft flesh. “You're the last person I expected that from.”
With one last acidic glare, she stalked away.