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A boy sat on the floor of his living room, tinkering with his radio. turning the knob left and right, hitting it as he watched its small dial turn left and right. He’d somehow, in the past, managed to play American music on it doing this, John had taught him if only he could recreate it.
Around him on the floor were litters of papers.. homework specifically. “School is so bothersome” he thought, “it’d be better if the whole institution was never built.”
Eventually after working his beaten-up radio for 20 minutes or so, he heard Elvis on the line. He smiled greatly and placed the radio on his wooden shelf.
He then lay on the living room's homely rug, kicking his legs up and down to the beat.
Paul tried his best to keep his mind on his work. But boy was it hard. With the music going especially. He wanted to be anywhere but here… doing math homework on his dirty rug…
“I wonder what John is doing…” he began to think… “probably doing something fun as hell. Maybe he’s out with a girl or jamming to music or anything! I bet John doesn’t sit in his room for hours on end doing homework— he probably doesn’t do it just to spite the system…”
“that John really is something” he muttered to himself. He picked up his pen and started to draw him on the side of his math paper. He’d been studying his face for a while- he had a unique one. His eyes especially-..there was so much hidden in them…so cold yet- so warm…
Suddenly the radio shifted and started to crack, Paul didn’t hear it though. He was too focused on John, both his drawing and the real one. Then suddenly a loud booming voice came in from the radio speakers making Paul jump slightly.
It was a very refined-sounding man, obviously an American. He had the type of voice you’d hear in those high-budget American movies…There was no music to go along with it. It was odd and the man was drowning on for a bit about “obscene literature” and so on—- it was incredibly drab but then he said something that made Paul’s ears twitch.
“Through this material, today's youth can be stimulated to sexual activity for which he has no legitimate outlet. He is even enticed into the world of Homosexuals ! Lesbians! Sadists! Masochists! And other Sex deviants”
Paul looked up at the radio with a raised eyebrow. Had he somehow stumbled upon some American PSA about sexual deviancy or something? Odd… who’d want to listen to this junk…it’s just school but for old people…he shrugged and went back to drawing his muse. But, the whole thing started to bother him…it wouldn’t leave his head.
He started to mumble to himself “Gee whiz” he sighed. “Is it all really that bad…I mean..” he delicately stroked his pencil across his paper creating John’s greased hair. “I know it’s gross n’all I mean…who’d want to kiss all on a guy…I know I wouldn’t…but-“ he went to John’s bow-shaped mouth, making them as dark and pretty as possible.
“Yknow…is it as bad as sadism…sadism’s pretty bad is it not…” he sighed and coloured in John's rosy cheeks. “ I mean…it is a crime over here anyhow..so maybe thinking a guy's hot stuff is as bad as murder or something…I mean he said it right there…it’s deviant n’it…deviant…”
He continued to think about John and his smile, on different corners, he’d practice drawing his lips and smile…his nose and rough eyebrows…oh his lovely auburn eyes …then suddenly his face turned pale and he raised his head clenching his jaw… “wait…am I a homosexual..?”
He shook his head rapidly! “Oh get that out of your head, are you crazy?…you like girls…you know you do” he tried to get his mind straight and went back to sketching John, trying desperately to keep his cool. He continued to mutter to himself
“And homosexuals like boys! Not girls! And gee.” He thought of many other things he’d heard from his father about homosexuals “…they all seem so creepy and slimy…like the boogeyman almost… no good intentions ever, just sleazy barbarians- deviants…”
Paul scoffed “I ain’t that- I ain’t nowhere close… I mean…” he bit his cheek and continued, laughing awkwardly to himself “I’m not creepy…I don’t prey on boys I mean…I dig girls…and there’s nothing else to it…”
He thought he had finally solved the conflict in his head when another voice spoke from the far corners of his mind “Well Paul- it is mighty queer of you to be drawing the lips of your best mate with such detail .”
Paul looked down at his paper and saw he’d drawn John’s lips multiple times in various forms. He was shocked at himself but still desperately tried to dismiss it. “Oh but I draw damn everyone!” he cried, biting his lip and shaking his head before returning to drawing John. “I mean- it’s not gay to draw a random man in the street is it-“
But then, that sinking feeling came again…“Yeah, but you don’t think and stare at that man for more than a few minutes…” Paul furrowed his eyebrows and drew John furiously trying to get the thoughts out.
“You don’t crave that man’s attention…you don’t want him around you at all times…you don’t think about how he smiles…you don’t think about how his kisses feel…you don’t think about how his hands feel when clenched…you don’t think about what his eyes would look like in an intimate moment…now do you?”
Paul began to grow frantic, moving his pencil faster and faster across the page trying to drown it out! “No! I’m not a homosexual! Having friends doesn’t make you gay! I just have a good relationship with him! I just care for him! I’m not! It’s not!”—but then a thought slid into his head…
“Would I cuddle with John…” he thought about this…he then laid his head on the rug and closed his eyes trying to imagine it… Him placing his head onto John’s leather pants…his head laying on John’s soft meaty thighs as they sat on the couch…John with his pale fingers stroking the hair out of Paul’s eyes…it’s nice…oh dear it’s nice..oh it’s wonderful~
Paul quickly opened his eyes and gasped covering his mouth, his face flushing. He sat up in shock…oh no!! “What are you thinking! Couples do that! Couples lay on each other and stroke each other! You’re not a couple! Boys can’t be coupled! UGH!” He quickly stuffed his face in between his knees muffling his groans.
Disgust rose through his body like veins. How could he think of such things? How could he…he’d never felt so lousy in his life…you’re thinking like a deviant he thought…oh a disgusting deviant…
He gripped at his trousers trying to get the thoughts out of his head. Oh, he wanted nothing more than to be away from all of this…to be with John…
What if he were to comfort me?
He began to think
What if he tapped my knee— with his calloused fingers…and when I refuse to respond he grabs my chin delicately and forces me to look into those eyes of his…what if he smiled at me…oh his smile... What if he titled his head and whispered to me sweet nothings…what if he put his hand on my shoulder…and leaned in closer…what if he gripped my shoulder softly and looked me dead in the eye ...Oh those eyes! Oh, that mouth! That lovely wet mouth and those dangerous piercing eyes!-
“John~” Paul whimpered into his knees before his eyes shot open and he lifted his head from his knees…oh my god. I didn’t just-. “Ugh!! Paul, what's the matter with you!” He yelled, his throat rumbling. He threw himself onto the floor again almost as punishment and kicked his legs multiple times covering his ears and eyes.
“You’re not a homosexual! Stop stop stop! You’re not you’re not!” He repeated multiple times. Trying to make his brain absorb the information “You don’t think John Lennons cute! He’s your best mate damnit! You understand that!? Don’t be gross!” He gripped at his face and laid his head back on the ground.
His face was hot and his stomach, queasy. He felt like he was gonna puke and cry all at once…that only made him feel worse…cry…only fags and girls cry…he thought “Oh what would Pa think…” he said rolling onto his stomach solemnly.
“He’d be so disappointed that’s what…” he put his head in his arms “Oh and mummy-“ he sniffed. “She’d hate me…oh she probably sees me now don’t she..oh mummy please…I’m sorry…I don’t…I’m not”
He lifted his head, his jaw trembling as he fought back tears. He then returned to lying on his back. Sprawled out like a dead forgotten soldier. He closed his eyes and let a trembling sigh escape his lips…
“Oh Johnny-“ he trembled in a whisper, shaking his head and putting his arm over his eyes. He breathed in sharply and gave up in defeat…
“Oh God…”