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The undrunk glass of absinthe sits between them, growing a pair of eyes in the long silence between them and boring holes into him, adding onto the already present pair. He curls into himself subtly, shoulders dropping and lower lip becoming the victim of a rather harsh chew to distract himself.
Another uncomfortable dinner.
“It's good.” Sungchan starts, his tone gentle despite his actions suggesting a temper otherwise.
“Hm?” He absentmindedly answers. It's rare that they ever have a civil conversation.. of how they've been. Or have Sungchan ask him if he's okay. Or him ever offering a massage to his partner who rubs his forehead red in pain. Or ever saying anything nice in general. No.
For a long time their conversations have been limited such that they can tolerate each other. Even a little more talk than a few seconds irks something in one of the two and the silence is pierced with shrill accusations.
“The food.”
Oh. Well, it's been a long time since he's heard that. He doesn't even know if it feels good to. If he wants to hear that, or if he wants Sungchan to bite down on burnt toast that is hard to even swallow.
“Mm.”
Another night of sitting across his boyfriend, who does nothing but give glares so empty that it brings shivers down his spine.
He tries to shove the last bits off his plate and leave but as he's even slightly rising, the glass rolls off the table – it is rolled off the table and drops down on the carpet with a thud. He looks up to see Sungchan now standing, so close, his face is barely a breath away.
There is no surprise here, there is no escape either.
When he hears the first intake of breath, he readies himself and then their gloomy apartment is echoing with screams, so loud that they're just deafening and he can't hear anything Sunghcan says. He can't hear a thing coming out of his own mouth, it's just moving and moving, until it's not. Until he is backed into the wall behind him, his head banging into it as they kiss. There is a sting but it's so hard to think of it, he pays it no mind.
Softly, fingers make their way past the hem of his shirt and underneath, pressing against the warm body. Sungchan has chilly fingers. He likes to wrap them around Eunseok's warm waist. That is alone keeping half of their relationship alive.
It's still embarrassing, after years, when he's lifted off from the ground but not embarrassing enough to make him stop Sungchan. His hands hold onto the man's hair for life as his boyfriend rolls slow but deep thrusts in and out, completely in rhythm.
He's also not embarrassed when he cries out in a pitch that he never uses when he talks. It's all too much, the pleasure, the pain of his thighs and back, the wall uncomfortably digging into his spine.
But at the same time, it makes him forget the bumpiness of their time together as he loses himself into the thought of how hot it is that Sungchan is strong enough to lift him up and keep him there, strength kink or whatever you call it, Eunseok definitely has it.
—
“And then Wonbin just smiled at me! Just smiled! After doing that.. but he was so cute I couldn't just stay mad you know but I still think that – wait. Is that a.. hickey?!”
Shotaro all but screams, and even though they're at the Japanese's apartment, he still finds himself feeling a little self conscious and pulls his shirt up.
Last night had been good. Really good. Mind fucking blowing actually. But he thinks he's already getting too old for wall sex, and he definitely thinks Sungchan purposefully bit him on his neck knowing how much the tanned skin boy hates turtlenecks. He remembers the man shoving his face in his neck, after Eunseok had already come and was now almost weeping from the overstimulation, begging Sungchan don't you dare stop.
“No it's a mosquito bite.. jesus taro what do you think it is? How old are we that I have to announce it?”
Shotaro pouts a bit, maybe that was meant to be his angry face but god can this guy ever look anything but adorable? Impossible. “But I thought you and sungchan are you know.. like um..”
“Have a really destroyed relationship that is now beyond repair and are just stretching it out till we can? Yep. That's us.” He bluntly states but he'd be lying if he says he didn't feel his heart twist in pain. Still, he's Eunseok. He has to keep a neutral face.
Shotaro pulls his lips straight awkwardly and stirs his drink with the paper straw now halfway melting into it. “Whew! You said it, not me. But yeah, precisely that.. wait are you.. is there someone else..?”
Before he can stop himself, Eunseok finds his eyebrows furrowing and his lips tugging upwards as his throat tightens. “Right, this is all I needed. Another person to see the mysterious man that's blowing my back out who only ever shows his face to Sungchan; who, oh did I forget to mention, I have never met? Crazy, someone has been fucking me all this while and I haven't noticed it once.”
Shotaro winces and it brings him to a pause. To the fact that he's being an asshole to his friend, who has been the only person in four months to sit down and listen to what he has to say. He's pretty sure he could also make Inseok from marketing listen to him but he's also pretty sure Inseok just wants to makeout with him under the guise of you can always talk to me .
“Look, it's.. I'm sorry, I just really fucking hate being called a cheater or unfaithful. I've never even glanced at anyone in that way, not even the smallest thought, even though what I have isn't really what I had imagined myself to have. For me, it's never been anyone but him.”
“I'm sorry, I know you'd never do something like that.. fuck I don't know why I said that. It's just that, you guys have been tumbling so much for so long I jumped to the worst conclusion because.. everytime something’s getting worse between you.. I mean not that it-”
“I get it.”
Eunseok feels small as he says that. He feels infinitely times smaller than he is, similar to how he feels when Sungchan accuses him of not being able to put all of his efforts into whatever is left of them because he has someone else in mind.
The accusations feel like confessions, like there is someone Sungchan wants to run to. He knows his boyfriend, he's way too fucking nice to ever stoop low enough to cheat but he's so so attractive, he's so so good with people, its about time he realises that what they call a relationship now is nothing but a restraint holding him back from achieving something that truly makes him happy.
Because between the two of them, it's always been Sungchan who was surrounded by his co workers blushing profusely, helping people on the street that would make it look like the perfect ‘tall and attractive guy saves my day’ shot from a cliche drama or pay attention to measly things no one bothers to remember – making those people feel special. Like they have something that has made Sungchan make a beeline to them and bathe in his attention.
It's hardly a lie that he probably has a bunch of confessions under his sleeve that he has turned down just for the sake of him being already in a relationship.
When you look at a guy like this, when he says he can't date you because he already has someone in his life, the immediate image of this said partner is drawn as someone beautiful beyond words, gentle in every possible way with energy so high through the roof. Naturally, the image of Sungchan rushing home to cuddle with whoever he loves and exchange affectionate words comes to mind.
But they've barely ever been like that. It's always been hard for Eunseok to speak his mind. No matter how high of an opinion he has about Sungchan, he's never been able to say it. How do you say something like that?
He's not someone who goes out very often, he would rather wait for someone else to be the hero of the day, he'd rather skip a dinner with colleagues. He isn't the type to stop and pat a crying child's head, nor does he care much about a fictional character's death. In every way, in every shape, in every form he is so so different from his boyfriend.
Sungchan who almost cries when a media is too “scary”, Sungchan who once almost adopted a kid in Disney land and made Eunseok walk around asking people about the child's parent instead of just dropping him off at the lost kids department, Sungchan who is more than willing to be late to office because he spotted an old lady who wanted to cross the road.
Basically you get the idea, he is the kind ball of sunshine straight out of a kdrama and
Eunseok is the bitter second lead who most people don't like because he's not a good enough person. He's never as good as him.
Shotaro slowly drags his hand closer to place it on his back but leaves a good amount of space between them. “So um.. considering your rodeo last night, are things better?”
“Better?” Eunseok scoffs. “We've never stopped having sex. But that's the thing. That's the only time we can bear to be around each other, to speak without pissing the other off. It just happens. He's angry, and I'm never good enough and then he's too fucking nice to even say it for most of the week. Just bottles it in until he physically can't. When he raises his voice I already push my trousers down. We fuck and that's it. Then we barely talk again for the rest of the week.”
If this monologue was being shared six months earlier, there would've definitely been waterworks by now. There has been. The first time he ever said it to himself, in the empty room and had felt even more pathetic after crying. Yeah, releasing emotions wasn't for him.
The second time he had cried again, but it was while Sungchan was pulling his cock in and out of him, on the bed, fucking him till he was soft and boneless. He had cried when he didn't want to. He felt so so fucking stupid.
His boyfriend tried to pry his arms off his eyes but he started shoving him instead and they had a somewhat fight. He ended up throwing Sungchan out of his room. Not that he could've really done that, if the other had not acted along. They both knew if the taller wanted, he could easily put Eunseok in his place but he was too fucking considerate to do that. Sungchan was just too fucking good of a person. And Eunseok deserved none of his sad and sympathetic round eyes.
“That's not..”
“And I wait for his limit to fill up until the next fucking time to get him to place a hand on me. He never comes home before midnight, I never bother staying up.”
There is silence, and he knows it's hard for Shotaro to even listen because Heck, the man was complaining about his ‘fight’ with wonbin like ten minutes ago and that said fight was about the long hair man eating Shotaro's stupid peach yogurt making him mad until he obviously melted and they made out like the disgustingly lovesick couple that they are.
How could someone in a relationship so secure and healthy ever be comfortable with something as fucked up as Eunseok?
“Dude, I'm sorry.. I totally just dumped it all on you.” He sighs and pushes himself up.
Shotaro snaps out of a trance. “No, it's fine! Um.. I'm unsure what advice to give you but.. I'm glad you can tell me. Really.”
As Eunseok pushes the front door open, his friend doesn't stop him from doing so.
“Eunseok.”
He pauses, hand around the door handle.
“Try to.. talk to him yeah? Like, real talk. You two need it.”
Eunseok shuts the door behind him.
Like he didn't know that.
—
To be fair, they had never quite clicked well enough.
Sungchan had wanted a full pda relationship, a twenty four seven agreement to just pounce on his boyfriend and to keep him close, to hold him whenever and everywhere. He wanted cringe worthy nicknames from some stupid romance books. He wanted Eunseok to greet him with a kiss at the door, to greet Eunseok with a kiss at the door.
A fully domestic life, something so scarily close to marriage.
Eunseok wanted space, he wanted mutual agreement on being secure about their relationship without being showy. He didn't want to have to hold hands in public, he wanted kisses when the mood was right, not out of a routine. He didn't want to perform activities like a monotonous task and keep it surprising but still craved stability and steadiness.
Oil and water, no matter how much you stir a spoon in, they will separate again. Eunseok believes they're not as drastic as oil and water but they're definitely very close to that.
They had been stirring it for a long long time and now they've let go. Slowly their souls are clambering back to the different ends, where they belong.
It feels comfortable but it also hurts.
He had hated himself at the start of their fall. Because he had not tried to change just enough, he had never tried to become as lively as he should've been to match his boyfriend's energy, to be more normal – to be happy that Sungchan didn't want to hide them but instead was proud to have him. He hated that he would turn Sungchan down so many times, and refused to hold his hand in front of their friends – that when he did hold his hand he'd untangle it a bit later.
Just embarrassing.
For long nights he spent on his bed with his eyes stinging and his heart hurting, in the silent apartment yet to be graced with his partner's presence.
But it all spiralled into a new thought.
Sungchan had never changed.
Sungchan was never expected to change.
Everything had always been pushed on Eunseok, never had his boyfriend been the one to take the blame. That the tall man broke his boundaries and touched him way more than he wanted to, that he would hold his hand in public even when Eunseok found it so so so discomforting, anxiety going through the roof, that he would press him to do things without any consideration of the fact that Eunseok ran out of energy fast. That he had to be kissed in places where he'd really really rather not.
And yet he was the one who was all there was wrong about the Jung-Song household.
He stopped caring about the outside opinions, he didn't mind Sungchan's co workers giving him a nasty glare at a company dinner where he'd slip his hand away from his boyfriend's hold, he stopped caring about their friends complaining that he doesn't put in as much efforts as Sungchan does, he stopped caring when he wouldn't go to the double dates he was forced to go with and have Sungchan's friends bitch about him to the man who would later tell him how they all say Eunseok doesn't deserve him.
If Sungchan really feels so, he's free to leave.
Even if it will tear him apart.
What he's not free to do is crumple all over Eunseok's life and wishes and then blame him for crying out.
Still, he loves Sungchan. He really does. No one has ever had Eunseok so weak, so weak on his knees.
His mouth is full of his boyfriend's length and he hums around it, receiving a groan and a tighter grip on his hair.
“Fuck baby, take it all in..” That's stupid to say because he has.. mostly. The rest is impossible by the way, maybe Sungchan should've asked God for a smaller cock if he wanted Eunseok to shove it all in.
That megatron is destroying his throat as it is, halfway down.
He closes his eyes and pulls it out a little to run his tongue underneath and Sungchan jerks forward, fucking his throat and choking him.
Right now, from his boyfriend's pov, he looks like a walking wet dream. Or well, a wet dream on knees – eyes so impossibly huge and round and full cheeks that are getting pink with brown hair that are all messed up with his pink mouth stretched to the limit.
Sungchan groans and pulls Eunseok up, by his hair, to slot his mouth against him and the taller man gets to taste his own precum in that warm mouth.
He can barely stay patient as he grabs the lube and pushes the smaller body under him on the bed.
In so many ways Sungchan and Eunseok are alike physically. They both stand out in crowds, it's hard to miss them. They're big boys, even in their friends they're one of the tallest – it's easy to tower over anyone.
And in so many ways they're just so different. Sungchan has big arms, muscles that make him look like a formidable guy to ever challenge whereas Eunseok is thin, lithe. Everything about him is about half of Sungchan, his arms are even one third the thickness of Sungchan's, his palms are so small the taller can dwarf them easily with his own, his thighs are so soft and yet next to Sungchan they look tiny. He has small feet – too small for his size.
He's barely shorter than Sungchan yet his feet are hilariously small, in fact it's a little cute..
And his face is obviously so unproportionately small that it's a bit hard to register how he fits his big round eyes on such a small area. It's also not exactly a surprise that in group photos he's pushed forward so he doesn't make the others’ heads look huge in comparison.
Especially when he has Eunseok like this, close to him, stripped away from his baggy clothes and shoes two sizes too big, does it really dawn on him though. When his hand spreads over his stomach, he can almost cover the entire width of his waist with one hand.
Three fingers in, Eunseok is arching his back, his honey tan skin glowing so beautifully, like he's carved out of gold – a statue that isn't meant for humans, meant for something much more divine and has just happened to fall into his lucky hands.
He replaces his fingers with his dick, which has been standing straight impatiently. The sight of his boyfriend giving those twitching expressions and moaning softly has been enough to make him drool like a dog.
Eunseok's hands fly up to his arms, holding on, digging nails into his skin, but the stretch is so delicious he can barely think of the small pain. He pushes all in and it almost makes him cum pathetically like a virgin – precum leaking, and so he knows he needs to hurry up a little. He pushes Eunseok's leg up and throws it on his left shoulder, leaning his right hand forward to rest it near the wriggling man's head before he starts moving.
“...”
“What?” He stops, looking at the man below him, not being able to catch what was said to him.
Eunseok whines and his pout is back on his face, one that Sungchan can't help kissing silly. “Faster.. faster..” He mumbles like he can't make any other words come out.
Like Sungchan has fucked him silly.
“Of course sweetheart.”
He increases his pace each time Eunseok's little noises grow an octave higher than before. His hips pistoning with precision to know they're both receiving an equal amount of pleasure.
He cums, still inside Eunseok and then rolls to his side. He has to catch his breath before sliding his hand down and jerking off the smaller man still waiting for his orgasm while kissing him with all he can.
“There you go love.. just like that.”
When they've both calmed down, Eunseok's mind is flooded with Shotaro, telling him to just talk . He lets Sungchan wipe him down, to kiss his head and to pull him in his arms, cuddling even though he tries to shift away.
Then he figures that they will talk tomorrow.
—
But there is nothing to talk about, when Sungchan just leaves in the morning for work ten minutes before Eunseok does so himself. There is nothing to talk about when they both forget to tell each other that they plan on getting home late.
There is nothing to talk about when they have yet another fight when Sungchan invites his parents over without a previous warning and Eunseok has to hurriedly run around to prepare a dinner he embarrassingly serves – not as good as he wanted it to be but the best he could – because he had no fucking clue that mom and dad would be home. There is nothing to talk about the way he recoils when Sungchan tries to put on a show for his parents, kissing Eunseok's temple and his mother notices the tension.
There is nothing to talk about when Eunseok's colleague comes over for a project and he doesn't tell Sungchan about it, leaving him to stumble home and be surprised as he sees an unfamiliar man sipping wine in his kitchen, way too close to his boyfriend.
There is nothing to talk about when Sungchan gets on his knees after the said man leaves and first gives him a mind scrambling blow job, only to later absolutely pound the life out of him five minutes later on the table.