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Little Junior’s, the best spot to grab a drink in the area. That’s where you would be going, but they’re closed. It is only 8:55 AM, after all. The dew is still falling down the windows as the heating gets flipped on inside. Slowly, the city around you comes to life. Cars begin to fill the streets and people begin to rush to work, crowding the sidewalks as they rush to-and-fro. It’s a cool day with few clouds, letting the rising sun warm you up as you wait outside the coffee shop next door, ‘The Bean Scene’.
This quaint little shop stuck out from the buildings it was nestled between; painted with washed-out yellow that highlighted the white trellises and borders that surrounded the frosted windows. It was hard to see inside, but the silhouette of workers bustling showed their vague shapes and colors. A rustic wooden sign hung above the door with chains and hooks that rocked slightly back and forth in the wind.
You’re not here for no reason. The shop is open–it has been for a few hours–but you’re not ready to go inside yet. You’ve been waiting for someone.
See, you’ve been taking classes at the local community college. It’s been hard to pin down your major; the constant changes in life make it so hard to stick with one. But, in the craziness of switching classes, someone caught your eye. You happened to sit next to each other in ‘Deprogramming 201’, and though you didn’t talk much at first, when he shared his notes with you for the first time, you sparked up some small talk and seemed to get along very well. It’s been about two months since you first met, and you decided to have a talk over some coffee today to see how things went.
His name? Boris the Wolf.
You had scheduled to meet at nine and see how the day went from there–either going your separate ways or finding more things to do–but you’re starting to worry. You’ve taken all this precaution to arrive early and he’s nowhere to be found! You hate being late. As the clock continues to tick, you can’t shake that nervous feeling. Is he going to be late? Did he forget? Did he stand you up? What does that mean for class tomorrow?
Just as your thoughts get to the worst assumptions, you spot something out of the corner of your eye. You turn to get a better look, and, lo and behold, he’s making his way up the sidewalk, dashing through the crowds of people, dodging in and out and between the groups, just to get to you. He seems to notice you looking at him and you lock eyes for a moment. In that instant, all of your fears and anxieties wash away. They come right back when he trips on a particularly nasty part of the sidewalk that juts out above the rest.
Your eyebrows shoot up as you slide your phone into your pocket and rush over. He’s fallen face-first into the pavement in front of him. That looks like it’s gonna sting. He lays there for a few moments. Thankfully, he doesn’t seem hurt. His bottom jaw rested on the ground as his eyes followed your approach.
“Are you okay?” you call out to Boris once you’re close enough, kneeling down to try and better assess the situation. You’d forgotten how big he is; the concrete beneath him has small cracks at his center of mass. He’s easily twice as long as you are tall and then some, and towers over you. Not at the moment, of course. He’s still on the ground.
“Yeah,” Boris replies, “I’ll be fine.” He slowly began to peel himself from the ground, hunching his shoulders first before lifting the rest of himself up. “Sorry, I get a little clumsy sometimes. I just didn’t want to be late.”
Now that he was up, you could get a better look at him. His eyes were two different colors, one yellow and one pink, to match his half-white, half-black fur. Normally his tail is frizzy and goes all over, but today it looks well-groomed, brushed softly into a soft, straight pattern. He seemed to have just recently bathed and dried off; his entire body looked soft to the touch.
“So,” Boris interrupted your internal monologue and accompanying blank-faced stare, “should we go inside?”
“Oh, right. Sorry.” You look at the door. It’s big, but he might have some trouble fitting through if he’s not careful. “Here, let me hold the door for you.”
You scoot over to the entrance and pull both handles at the same time, letting the doors swing outward toward you and Boris. It’s hard to get both at once, but thankfully Boris takes one of them for himself.
“Thank you!” Now he had to squeeze through the door.
He started with his nose, then led with the rest of his face as he wiggled and squirmed his way through. It seemed pretty easy for him to bring his arms and legs in from his sides, which let him just barely get through. His tail, all the while, was wagging and moving back and forth as if calibrating which direction he should go and shifting his weight. Watching it made you smile.
Finally, he was in. He made sure to stick out a paw and hold the door for you to follow after him.
Stepping inside the shop, the smell of fresh coffee hit your nose with an extra kick that made its way to your tongue and made itself comfortable. There were a few people in the shop, most minding their business, typing away on phones or laptops, others were holding hushed conversations. The line was short, only a few people long. Behind the counter, two workers held the orders together, one taking orders and another making them. Both had black hats and aprons on with orange shirts. The air inside was a bit stuffy, warm with the vapor wicking off the surface of the coffee and the brewers. A few pastries and breakfast items sat in the counter revealed by a glass facade.
Having taken a good look around, you instead turned your attention to Boris. “Have you been here before?” you asked.
“No,” he said, shaking his head. “This is my first time.”
“You at least know what kind of coffee you like, right?”
He shook his head again. “Not really. I’ve only had coffee once before. It was very bitter.”
You offer a small laugh. “Did you add any sugar?”
“You can do that?” Boris wondered, head cocked to the side.
As you stifled a giggle, the look on Boris’ face made it clear that he was very serious about his question. Maybe a coffee date might not have been the best idea after all.
“Of course, that’s how most people have it,” you said. “You’re not the only one that thinks it’s bitter.””
Looking back down and out to the rest of the coffee shop, it occurred to you that the two of you have been standing just in front of the door for a minute chatting back and forth. The line has moved up and you hadn’t even joined it yet. Realizing your mistake, you stepped forward in between the two black poles with fabric reaching across them, marking where the line began and ended. You were in line for a moment before you looked back to Boris. He hasn’t moved. He seemed nervous; his eyes darted back and forth and his head sunk below his shoulders.
You turned fully to face him and stepped forward, closing the gap. With one hand, you reach for his paw. Well, it’s not exactly easy, since it’s on the floor, so you held it out for a moment and looked him in the eyes.
“Hey,” you began, “what’s wrong?”
His gaze shifted away and onto the floor below him. “I don’t know. I’m a little scared. I feel like I’m going to get it wrong.”
“That’s okay!” you tried to reassure him. “You can follow my lead. It’s easy. C’mon, let’s go.”
You lingered for a moment and continued to look up at Boris. He seemed ashamed to look back at you, but he eventually did. He lightly brought his paw up and put it in your hand, handing you his trust. Better not waste this chance.
You carefully led him over to the line. He’s very mindful of the barriers around him, trying his absolute best not to knock anything over or tag someone with his tail. Thankfully, the people in front of you in line don’t seem to mind.
With each new order, you could tell that Boris was getting more tense. He hardly moved from behind you, sticking closely as you slowly made your way up the line. From the look of it, he had one eye on the menu and the other on you, constantly switching back and forth. It’s hard to know what will comfort him; you’ve only just met.
Just then, an idea strikes you. You turn to face him. “So, where are you from?”
Boris seems to wake up from his anxious trance to look at you after a few blinks. “Me?” he muttered.
“Yes, you,” you say with a smile, “who else would I be talking to?”
Looking a little flustered, Boris turns his attention to the floor for a moment. “Oh, uh, yeah. Sorry.” He takes a moment to straighten his posture. “I’m actually from Alberta, a couple kilometers outside of Calgary.”
“Oh really? What’s it like there?”
“It’s pretty snowy, actually. There are only a few months out of the year that we don’t get snow, usually in the summer. Though, we stopped getting as much recently as we used to.” The sides of his mouth turn down the more he shares. “Where I stayed was a pretty mountainous area. It was hard to get anywhere, so I mostly stayed put. It was a stay-away lodge, actually. I helped keep it operating for a few years. I met a lot of faces but they never really stayed.” He hadn’t caught himself looking off in the distance through the ceiling above him until he realized that you hadn’t said anything.
“Oh,” he whispered, “sorry.”
“Hey,” you say in a reassuring tone, “it’s okay.” Gently, you make sure to place a hand on his fur as you speak. “You don’t have to be embarrassed about this kind of stuff. I like hearing you talk about it.”
Boris was stunned into silence for a moment. “Really?”
“Of course! I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t, silly.”
It was hard not to notice Boris’ failed attempt at hiding his smile. He could hardly manage to look at you, instead bringing a paw up to his snout and looking to the ground, embarrassed. “Th-thank you,” he stuttered. He took a moment to steel himself and look back up at you, butterflies flying in his mechanical chest. “Nobody’s ever listened to me like this.”
As if moving on its own, your lips flatten and curve into a frown, comboed with a tilted head. “That’s sad,” you state matter-of-factly.
“Yeah… It’s kind of hard sometimes, you know? I feel like most people-”
“Next in line!”
Dammit. Just as he was starting to open up, the barista called for you both to come up to the counter. Realizing you were up next, you waved for Boris to follow as you stepped forward. You’d been here before; you vaguely recognized the barista and the barista vaguely recognized you right back. He was short, wore a hat that covered up his black hair, and had a name tag that read ‘Money’.
“Hey, welcome to The Bean Scene!” Money began. “Is this your first time here?”
“Not for me,” you reply, pointing to yourself, “but it is his first time.” You both turn your attention over to Boris who had been trying his very best not to knock anything over.
Money, with his attention fully given to Boris, picked up a smile and a cheerful tone. “Hey there! Thanks for coming! Do you want me to explain the menu?”
Immediately, Boris looked like he had been put out of his element. He stopped in his tracks and picked up a wide-eyed stare. Thankfully nobody was behind him.
He let out an “uhhhh,” before pausing to look back at the menu hanging above the counter, brow furrowed. It took him a few seconds of vocalization to eventually get to “... yes. Please.”
“This is his first time ordering a coffee at all,” you jump in, “it might be easier to start from the beginning.”
“Sure! Always glad to introduce new faces to the process.”
Money went on for a few minutes explaining the different ways coffee could be prepared and consumed to Boris, who seemed to understand about half of it. He went over all the different flavor profiles of the beans they use and the milk options and the sizes and the sweeteners and creamers: it was enough to make your head spin, and now you were starting to worry about Boris. He seemed to be deep in contemplation.
“What sounds good to you?” Money concluded his speech with.
Boris thought for another few moments, bringing a paw to the underside of his chin as he pondered. A deep hum came from out of him as he considered the options in front of him.
“I think…” he began, then trailed off. “I think I’ll have a small black coffee.”
You and Money gave Boris the same questioning look at the same time. He responded before you could. “Are you sure? It might be bitter.”
“I can always add sugar later if I don’t like it.” Boris shrugged.
The two of you shrugged in kind. Eh, fair enough.
“And will you be paying together or separately?” Money asked.
Before Boris even had the chance to move for a wallet, you put a hand out. “I got it.” With the speed of a hungry cheetah approaching its next meal, you whip your card out and get it in the reader before anyone even has time to react. Boris, from the look of it, appreciates your generosity, but deep down wishes that he could have been the generous one instead.
“Awesome!” Looks like the payment went through. “I’ll call your name whenever the drinks are ready.”
“Thank you!” Boris said with a light wave as he smiled and moved with you out of the line.
With your drinks successfully ordered, it was time to find a place to sit. It was far too windy outside to even consider sitting out there, so inside would have to do. You scanned the place for any empty tables that weren’t too close to the other people that were already there. In your search, you looked over to Boris, and saw him sitting uncomfortably again. You moved your gaze to look up at him.
“What’s wrong?” you ask.
Boris paused for a moment before responding, “I don’t think there’s anywhere for me to sit.”
Your face shrunk. “Surely there’s space for you in here! We just need to look. See, over there?” you said as you pointed toward a nook with the frosty windows you could hardly see through outside. “We can go sit over there!”
Boris still looked apprehensive. It was written all over his face: he wanted to trust you but was deeply afraid of messing something up. In this short little escapade, it became very apparent that he was highly afraid of screwing it up.
Just then, straight to your rescue, one of the employees that had been sweeping up spilled coffee grounds noticed your plight and made their way over.
“Do you need any help?” they asked.
You were a bit startled at first, but, seeing an opportunity, you turned to the employee and responded, “yeah, actually. My friend here is worried that he’s going to bump into stuff if we try to sit down. Can you help us move some of the tables?”
“Absolutely!” they cheer, immediately getting to work. With both of your efforts combined, you’re able to clear the path for Boris to sit down in the nook you’d pointed out to him. You thank the worker for their help and the both of you return your attention to what you’d been doing previously.
“See?” you begin with a look up into Boris’ eyes, “I told you.”
Boris still held that apprehensive look on his face, but the small sigh of relief he let out told you everything; he’s glad to have your company.
With that, the two of you make your way over to the nook and have a seat, nestled up against the wall as you begin to wait for your drinks. You’d forgotten how nice this spot was. In the hustle and bustle of a busy college life, you’d neglected to take a moment to breathe. You take it all in at once, and realize that when Boris is sitting next to you, you can still feel the warmth coming off of him. Suddenly, you’re feeling a little flustered. The thought crosses your mind that it would be a great way to combat the chilly air outside if your nestling was with each other and not with the wall. But no, no, this is your first time meeting outside of school, and it’s
hardly a date
, right? That’d be a little assumptive.
“So,” Boris began, interrupting your train of thought, “what do you do outside of school?”
It takes you a moment to snap back to reality, blinking a good handful of times before registering the question. “Outside of school?” You hum. There’s so much to consider, so many hobbies… “A lot of the time, I’m studying, honestly. But aside from that, I like nature and scenery and stuff like that. There’s this place not that far from here that’s like an amusement park on the water. It has all kinds of fun rides and stuff to do, but I like to go out and sit on this little raised spot and look out over the water. Sometimes it helps me get my work done, being in that calming environment. Y’know?” As you described it, the sounds of the waves rolling against the rocks beneath the dock began to fill your mind, the salty air and the birds and the sounds of people on the rides, it made you miss going there.
“That sounds like fun,” Boris replied. “Where is it?”
“It’s not that far from here, honestly.” You began to mime the directions with your hands. “It’d be a good twenty minutes walk, down that way.”
Boris paused as he waited for you to finish giving directions. Once your hands rested back at your side, he looked away for a moment, then turned his head back looking flustered. “Do you, uh, y'know,” Boris began to stutter, “do you wanna show me after this?”
Immediately your eyes light up. Nobody’s wanted to share that spot with you before. “Absolutely! That sounds great, honestly.”
The two of you begin to smile, the energy from the other one’s fueling your own, creating a loop where now both you and Boris have a grin stretching from ear to ear.
“Boris! Y/N! Your drinks are ready!” That’s the sound of Money calling out to you. He even made sure to look in your direction as he slid the drinks forward on the counter.
“I got it,” you push out, making sure to get up first before Boris has the chance to. From the corner of your eye, you can spot him trying to get up to beat you to it, but you’re already too far by the time it would have mattered. You make sure to thank Money before you return to Boris, one drink in each hand.
“Thanks,” Boris says.
“Of course,” you reply. “Do you want me to get some sugar or creamer while I’m up?”
“No, it’s okay,” he says with a shake of his head.
The two of you stop for a moment to take a sip of the piping hot coffee. It’s a little too hot for you to drink at the moment, so you let it rest in your two cupped hands, the warmth radiating from the drink into your fingers, bringing them back to life. Boris seems to be doing the same. The trails of steam come out from the small slots in the lid and float into the air, joining together between you, Boris, and the ceiling. You take in a nice deep breath and let it out as a relaxed sigh of relief.
“This is a nice feeling.” Boris wasn’t looking at anything in particuar when he spoke, instead commenting on a lot of things at once.
“Oh yeah? You like the coffee?” you reply, sharing the sentiment but not vocalizing it.
“Not just that.” he hummed as he thought, his eyes darting around the room. “The atmosphere here is very cozy. It makes me think I’m back home.”
“Oh yeah, you didn’t get to finish that thought earlier. What was that like?” you ask, head cocked to the side.
“A lot colder than here. I was up in the mountains kinda far away from everything else, so I had to learn to take care of stuff on my own. This feels a lot like those slow days where we’d be snowed in and the fireplace would be going to keep us warm. Sometimes we would read stories to each other, sometimes we’d play board games, talk about our hobbies. Sometimes we didn’t even need to talk about anything at all. Just sitting there was all we really needed.”
Boris paused for a moment, drawing a deep breath.
“They demolished it about two years ago. It’s weird. Now that it’s gone, it’s hard not to miss it. I mean, I understand why they did it, but that doesn’t make it feel right. Even after all those…” Boris trailed off, his eyes looking off into the distance beyond the wall. Images of people flashed in front of his eyes, silhouetted against his retinas in different colors. The grey outlines of the people’s shadows became formless as they became red, melting down into puddles that looked like they were about to spill out onto his face.
Boris blinked a few times then turned his attention back to you.
“What are you going to school for? I mean, not everyone takes a Deprogramming class.”
Not quite understanding the context of what he was telling you, but getting that he needed to change the subject, you decided that he was right and that it was your turn to talk about yourself.
“I haven’t decided my major yet. I’ve mostly been taking general classes and some more niche stuff I’m interested in while I figure it out. It’s so hard to know what I want to be doing for the rest of my life when I feel like I've barely lived it, y’know?”
Boris nodded. “That makes sense,” he said in a semi-hushed tone. “I can’t say that’s very different from what I’m doing.” Whatever he had just been talking about must still be weighing on his mind; he’s barely even looking at you.
This can’t stand. The guilt of potentially digging up difficult emotions began to push on you a bit. You furrowed your brow for a moment and glanced up at him. “Is everything okay?” you ask.
He’s silent for a moment before he offers a low hum. “Yeah. I’ll be alright.”
“You don’t look alright,” you rebut, trying your best to add a dash of compassion. “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”
“No, no, it’s ok,” Boris said, looking away, not okay, “really. You didn’t know.”
Damn this wolf. He was so adamant about not being an inconvenience that he’s put his own emotions to the side! Not on your watch. Defiantly, you scoot yourself closer to him and hold your coffee in one hand as you wrap your arm around him with the other. You’re not able to get far–you can just barely reach the other side of his back torso where his hind leg begins–but that doesn’t stop you. You offer a few pats and try to fill them with as much apology and care as you can.
Boris perks up for a moment. He suddenly goes from staring blankly into space to looking flustered. Not that you can see, of course. He’s too busy looking away from you to hide his embarrassment.
He stays silent for another moment, trying his best to wrestle with the butterflies in his electric stomach.
“T-Thanks,” he whispers.
“Listen, Boris,” you begin, still hugging him tightly, “it’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it, but don’t be afraid to say something. If you need anyone to listen, I’m right here.” You offered a few more pats to really seal the deal.
“I know, I know,” he goes on, quietly. “It’s just hard, you know?” He still wouldn’t look at you, too embarrassed to do so.
Boris stayed silent for a moment.
“Do you think we can take these to go?” he said.
Immediately you lean forward, a look of concern hanging on your face. “Are you leaving?”
“No, I want to talk, but not here. Somewhere more private.”
It started to make sense in your mind. Boris wasn’t afraid to talk to you, he was afraid of attracting attention. The patterns were connecting.
“Of course! Here,” you reply, scooting your chair back and clearing the way for Boris to get to the door.
You made sure to wave to Money as you both made your way out.
Once you are back outside, the amount of time you’d spent there hits you. The streets and sidewalks have de-congested, leaving mostly the cool air blowing as your reminder of what it was like earlier. The sky was still empty of clouds and the roads were easier to walk on.
“Where did you say that boardwalk thing was?” Boris asked, only offering a glance at you from the side of his eye.
“It’s down the road that way,” you reply with a finger pointed. “I can pull up the GPS really quick.” You reach into your pocket for your phone while your warm coffee still occupies the other. You absent-mindedly took a sip while focused on the task at hand: getting directions.
“You said we have to walk, right?”
“Yeah,” you say, looking up at him only for a moment before trying to get the map pulled up again. “It won’t be that long, I promise.”
Boris’ brow furrowed for a moment as he contemplated something. After a moment, he crouched down. “Here,” he said, “climb on my back.”
A bit flabbergasted, you step back and look at him. “Are you going to carry me?”
“It’ll be faster that way. C’mon.”
A mixture of surprise and excitement went through you as you stood there for a moment, looking silly. After enough hesitation, you tried your best to get up onto him. Once you’d safely secured yourself, he stood, lifting you nearly ten feet off the ground. Instinctually you let out a yelp.
“Everything okay back there?” Boris called to you.
“Yeah! Just a little startled…” It’s strange seeing Boris from this angle; normally you’re looking up at him, but now you’re looking down. Seeing the clear split between black and white made the difference all more striking than normal.
“Alright, let’s go.” Boris didn’t wait for any more confirmation before he began walking.
He was definitely right, this is much faster than if you were walking alongside him. The breeze brushed past your face as you lightly bounced up and down. It was pretty comfy up here, all things considered. You expected him to be bony, but, now that you’re up here, it makes sense why he isn’t. It’s a smooth ride.
You spend the first few minutes of the journey sipping your coffee and finagling with your phone. Finally, you get the location pulled up.
“Here’s the map!” you holler as you lay yourself forward to show him what’s on your phone’s screen.
He looks over to the side without interrupting his walk, taking a mental picture of the map and nodding along.
Once he’s looked at it for long enough, you pull your phone back up and put it back in your pocket. You don’t sit back up, though. Lying down like this is nice. “Is it okay if I stay like this?” you ask him.
“Whatever you want to do, do that,” he replies. He doesn’t seem to mind the extra warmth on his back and certainly won’t complain.
Now that you’re given the go-ahead, you properly spread yourself out, leaving your arms and legs to drape over his sides as you look out to the world over his ears. It’s like you’re his big backpack giving him a hug. You stay like that for a good ten minutes, blissfully laying on Boris’ back. It’s very nice.
After a while, you spot a landmark that you use to navigate your own way here. You point it out to Boris. “We’re getting close, it should be just up ahead.” You carefully lead him through a few twists and turns and dips and dives in order to end up at just the right spot.
It’s a hollow alcove underneath the pier. The rocky ledge keeps the water and the lake spray from splashing onto you as you sit down on the cold stone floor. The sounds of the rides and people above are washed out by the sounds of the waves rolling into the coast, bouncing off the water’s surface and around the curved area you’re sitting in the middle of and right back out to sea.
Thankfully, the area is pretty secluded; it’s just you and Boris.
“What do you think?” you ask him as he’s taking in the scenery.
“It’s great,” he replies. “I love the view.”
“Right? I told you it was going to be a good spot.” You snicker know that you were right. “I come here a lot.”
“I can tell,” he says, pointing at one of the smooth rocks’ surfaces that’s covered in drawings and writing.
“Oh,” you awkwardly laugh, “I forgot about that.”
“Don’t be embarrassed,” Boris replied, turning to you. “It’s endearing. It gives this place character and history.”
History you would rather forget. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” You take a moment to find your perfect spot right in the middle where you like to sit, then plant yourself there. “Come sit down.”
Boris takes a moment to position himself around you. He must have taken a liking to you; he sat on your one side while wrapping his massive tail behind you and onto your other side. It’s a warm feeling.
You look up at the wolf. “So,” you begin, “are you ready to talk about it now?”
Boris gives a low hum. “Give me a moment.” He takes his time to prepare what he says, looking out onto the water as the thoughts form behind his eyes.
“When I was first made,” he started. “I was supposed to be a cute mascot for the stay away lodge I found myself in. The man who made me was named Damien. He took care to make sure that I had certain ideas within my head at all times. Things like wanting to help others, being friendly, altruism, and so on.”
As Boris continued to speak, his gaze didn’t move from his spot over the horizon. He took to closing his eyes for a moment.
“My first memories were of him and the man he worked for, Lucas. They were so passionate about the things their Lodge could do. They wanted fair and equitable opportunities for everyone, especially people that might not have been able to do it in the past.”
Boris shuddered as he took in a deep breath. “Then I met her.”
You brought your brow down. “Her?”
“Akina.”
Your eyes went wide. “Like, the Akina Tanaka?”
“There is no other.” His words were tense, like they could barely leave his mouth. “She seemed so nice at first. A smiling face, strong, willing to help,” he paused. The waves crashed against the rocks again. “But there was something behind her eyes. I wish I had said something earlier.”
His breathing was shaky now. “She took advantage of my programming to get what she wanted out of me. She had my remote control. And she used me to be a part of her sick games.”
He paused, his eyes twitching. “All those people…”
You lean back a bit as you look up at him. “But Akina wasn’t all bad, right?”
Boris turned his head to you and shot daggers straight out of his eyes and through your chest. “What?”
“I mean,” you stutter out, “she’s such a troubled soul, right? Like, all that time that she was spending trying to get some of the consequences for her actions, she never got them. Isn’t that such a tragedy? Being overlooked so much that you can get away with all these horrible things?”
Boris continued to stare. “She killed over one hundred people, I barely think that’s someone being a ‘troubled soul’, that’s a crazed killer.”
“You wouldn’t do the same thing? You don’t want to sometimes just go crazy and let loose all that stuff? All those people that have overlooked you int he past, the people that barely give a shit, the ones that don’t recognize your real worth and how much potential and ability and skills and everything and you never just want to let it all loose? Let it go crazy?” I can’t help saying any of this.
Boris couldn’t even look no I don’t care what Boris has to say. He’s not even real. He got crushed and destroyed and there was never anything for him anyway. He’s a robot. He’s not real. He’s not sitting next to you. There was no coffee date. All there is is me sitting in this shitty wet little hollowed-out spot under the boardwalk and listening to all the people up above me have fun while I sit here and mope and nothing else. And every couple seconds I have to look back up at the heart that I drew with my name in it and wonder why I scratched hers out. Boris can’t be your friend. Boris can’t be my friend. He’s dead. He may have met Akina but that’s never going to get me closer to her. I fuckign worked at the Starbucks under the GTPA and was talking with the guy that literally FOUND HER and I still can’t get any closer. And fuck me I guess because nothing I ever want seems to come to fruition anyway. It’s always shot down because I’m too weird or too in my own head or too depressed to fucking do anythign with my life. I’m 20 fucking 5 and ive been obseesed with this shit since i was literally in high school and i cant fucking escape it. Its all i can think about and i all i do on the forums and all i see other people as is just characters in a fucking killing game that happened to REAL PEOPLE. Do you know how fucking horrified i would be if someone was RP’ing as my dead daughter? Or if Akina ever found out htat I was pretending to be her and that i thought she was so cool for like a fucking decade? She would be disfgusted with me! The trial is happening literally right now and I can’t help but have my phone facing up next to me while I write and its distracting but i fell like i cant miss a single momven t otherwise im not a real akina fan. Im not real enough to be the one in charge of the rgf rp boards. Im not real enough to get to talk to her one day and see all the things that shes done and why the fuck i keep wanting to be her and wnating to share that life when shes literally about to go to jail. But i cant look away. Its impossible. What the fuck am i doing with my life? Why amd i here sitting by myself a tht bottom of thos elittle thing again when i told myself i would never come baclk? It has too many memories attached. This is where me and Jennifer first kissed.
Oh, Jenn… what the fuck have I done? I got so caught up in this akina shit that i fogot that your a real person with real feelings and literally my girlfriend and i couldnt get past all the killing game bullshit to remember that there was a real person that was sitting next to me that loved me and wanted me to get better and i just shoved her away because akina was too important. i LITERALLY SHE WAS LIVING WITH ME AND WE SHARED AN APARTMENT AND WE BARELY MADE IT BTU SHE TOLD ME EVERY DAYT THAT IT DIDNT MATTER AND THAT YOU WANTED NOTHING MORE THAN TO SEE ME HAPPY AND BETTER AND ALL THIS SHIT AND I FUCKING IGNORED YOU!!!!!! I FUCKING IGNROED YOU BECAUSE I THOUGHT THAT I WAS GOING TO LOSE MY CHANCE TO MEET AKINA IF I DIDNT CONSTANTLY WATCSH WAHST SHE WAS DOING NADN BE A FUCKING EXPERT ON EVERYTING A DNH NEVER MISS A BEAT BEUASE I DONT KNOW WHAT THE FUCK ELSE TO DO WITH MY LIFE I DONT HAVE ANY TALENTS OR ANYTHING OR ANY WHATEVER AND I WAS LITERALLY JUST WAS WORKING AT STRARBUCKS BECAUSE I CANT DO ANYTHING ELSE ANY MY ONLY PASSION WAS TO FUCKING PRETEND TO BE SOMEONE ELSE ALL DAY AND BAN PEOIPLE FROM THE FORUM BECUASE I JATE MYSELF THAT MUCH. AND IT FUCKED UP THE ONE PERSONT HAT EVER REALLY LOVED ME OFR WHO I AM .
Jenn, ify ou’re reading this. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you.I got a psychiatrist like you said. She’s making me take that deprogramming class so i cna learn psychology like I always wanted and still keep it related to killing games. I didn’t want you to leave. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’m sorry I didn’t see that until now. I’m sorry I left wyou without a safe person to talk to or place to stay. I’m sorry I kept pushing the identity of Ginny on to you when you just wanted us to be ourselves. I’m sorry I scratched your name out of the heart we made. It should have been mine.
Fuck this stupid forum and fuck everybody that uses it.