Chapter Text
“Are you trying to fuck with me?”
Remus stared at the man in front of the bar. He was shorter than him, well into his thirties, had unnaturally blue eyes and was clearly and absolutely drunk. The glass in his hands was twitching since he was clutching it so tightly, and his face was red with anger; his last words had not only been yelled, but also been accompanied by a large chunk of spit.
“Is there something I can help you with?” Remus remained calm, but he couldn’t completely suppress the edge in his voice. It was four in the morning, he had been working since six, and the last thing he needed right now was an angry customer that riled him up even more. The next full moon wasn’t due for almost a week, but he already felt the nervous sensations on his back, already felt like he could snap any second and that always meant that something big was about to happen, something out of his control. The wolf was better at detecting stuff like that, that’s just how it was.
“TOO MUCH FUCKING ICE!” The man, now full on screaming through the pub, put his glass down on the bar with force. The other bartender tonight, a young girl of barely 18 years, flinched and threw Remus a look between fear and stress while she prepared more beer for the group of young men in front of her. She had been working here for longer than Remus, but she was clearly overwhelmed and hoping that she didn’t have to help him with this one.
And she didn’t. But really, Remus already looked forward to quitting at the end of the week.
“This is just how we prepare that drink, Sir. There is always ice in the -”
Glass shattered. The man's head had dropped against the bar and he groaned. Remus quickly moved around the counter, but when he got close to the man, he was greeted with more screaming. “'m fine! Make me another one -” He slurred. Remus sighed and wished he could just use a small spell to sober him up and then kick him out but - but he couldn’t, of course. Everyone would see. He was trying to stay under the radar. He was just trying to earn some money to make it to the next month. He just had to deal with this.
“You won’t get any more drinks tonight.” He reached for a new glass and quickly filled it with water from the tap while the man continued to groan, his eyes twitching while trying to focus on Remus. He hadn’t understood him, most likely, and when Remus handed him the glass, he eagerly drank it, expecting another beverage.
“This is water. You will either drink more of it or leave now -”
The man screamed like a bull. Multiple people turned to them in horror. Emilia, the young bartender, rushed to Remus’ side, shaking but talking with a firm voice. “I'll get Jon, okay? Jon will throw him out.”
“Not necessary.” Remus grinded his teeth but threw her something like a smile. “I'll do it myself. Can you manage alone for a minute?”
She nodded, because of course she did. Remus told himself to not leave her alone for too long and then quickly grabbed the drunk man by the collar and pushed him towards the door. Remus was scrawny like always, but he still possessed a certain strength that had surprised multiple people in the past when he had needed to. One time in his sixth school year, he had lifted James bridal style after Sirius had -
He almost hit the door frame due to his lack of concentration and forced himself back to the present. The man in front of him struggled, but Remus managed to push him out the door and make him walk a few more metres around the corner. “You won’t come back tonight, you understand?”
He didn’t get an answer, just a scowl.
“Do you understand?”
The man huffed and tried to turn around with dignity, but he couldn’t walk straight anymore. After screaming a few insults at Remus, he finally made his way down the street, barely managing to stay on the pavement.
Remus looked up at the sky and sighed. The sun would be setting soon, and he would have to walk home to his ugly, empty flat, lie on the bed and stare at the wall till he fell asleep. He fucking hated it, but even more, he hated to admit that he hated this; he wasn’t supposed to wish for more than this, and really, there had been times that were a lot worse. At least he was able to afford food and rent right now, and he even had a small amount of wizard currency left that he could use. As long as he had that, he still felt like he belonged back to that world, back to his world, a world that had caused him so much suffering but that he still loved. If he was lucky, he might get a job at a magic place again sometime in the future. With the way things were standing (Remus had eagerly read the Daily Prophet for the last days, but he suspected there was a big chunk of information missing), they were looking into a grim future, but one couldn’t lose hope despite that.
Remus craved a smoke in fresh air, but he forced himself to go inside the pub again. There, Emilia was already arguing with more customers, and sometime in the last minute, someone had managed to puke all over the entrance to the toilets. It took all of Remus’ strength not to just go outside and never come back again.
“Remus, you can’t do that.”
Smoke filled Remus’ lungs (he hadn’t felt bad for nicking the package that someone had accidentally left behind on a table at all) as he gave Emilia a sympathetic smile. “I mean it, really. There isn’t much left to do, and I can clean that up on my own.”
“But -” Emilia suppressed a yawn. “But I can’t just leave you with this chaos. It will take forever to clean everything, you know that.”
“It really won’t.” He threw her an almost pleading look. It was well past seven now and the sun was painting the pub in a warm light, but it still smelled of alcohol, puke and sweat. “Just do me the favour, alright? I can manage on my own. You’ve already done enough tonight, you should go and sleep.”
She didn’t seem convinced. With her dark hair and that doubtful expression in her eyes, she reminded Remus of someone, but he quickly swallowed that thought. “But you - I don’t know how I would repay you for that.”
“You don’t need to. Again, you’re doing me a favour.” He just prayed to god that she would take him up on this. He only needed three flicks of his wand to finish this up. “And don’t forget to take your share of the tips before you go.” He grabbed one pile of pounds and coins and put them into her hand with care. “It’s more than I expected for a night this shitty, really.”
Emilia was still tilting her head in consideration. Outside, a bird was chirping, and Remus almost lost his cool.
“I can’t tell if you’re just too nice for your own good or if you know something I don’t.”
At that, Remus had to laugh. “I’m a lot older than you. Of course I know something that you don’t.”
Her lips turned into a smile and finally, she walked towards the door. “Don’t make fun of me. I’m an adult too, just so you know!” When Remus had been her age, he had already joined the Order and had fought death eaters, had lived in constant fear and doubt. Sometimes he wondered what his life would have been like if he had just been born a Muggle like her. “Really, thank you though, Remus. I won’t forget it.”
“I rather hope you do”, he murmured under his breath when she had already left and waved goodbye. He turned around to the dirty pub, sighed quickly, then stomped out the cigarette. It took less than a minute till everything was clean, and when he was finished, he sat down on the floor, got out another cigarette and stared through one of the windows that showed him a small street in a Muggle neighbourhood.
He hadn’t really decided on this as his new home, it had just kind of happened. He had visited his father on Christmas, and had then just tried to find a job that was far away enough so that his father didn’t feel the need to try and help him. The city wasn’t all too small, but it was boring, calm and most of all, not very magical. Remus didn’t like it here, but he had worked Muggle jobs before and at this point didn’t really care anymore as long as he had food on his table.
Besides that, he was waiting. Waiting for something to happen, waiting for the thing to happen that he feared most but that he knew was inevitably to come. When he had heard that Harry was forced to participate in the Triwizard Tournament, he had known instinctively that it would be happening soon, and with the way his hands were tingling, he could tell that it had started without him even knowing.
He hadn’t got word from Dumbledore yet, but he expected it every day. It had been a while since the man had written him anything, but Remus knew he was busy. The only other person that gave him any information was someone who’s writing made his heart beat faster every time he read it, but who he also wished wouldn’t write to him too often for his own safety.
Remus stepped outside the pub and closed it, then made his way along the slowly awakening street. A postman eyed him suspiciously when they passed each other; Remus was aware that he was wearing clothes beyond a state that was deemed acceptable by most members of society, but he had stopped caring about stuff like that years ago. He tried to take his mind away to something else, but every time, it went back to Sirius.
He knew Sirius had hidden close to Hogwarts. It had been reckless and stupid, and Remus had told him as much, but he knew that wouldn’t change his mind. Sirius had been on the run, had survived by eating rats and had been in Azkaban for twelve years; there wasn’t much that could shock him anymore. And as much as Remus worried about him, as much as he checked the news every day to make sure Sirius was still out there, he hadn’t allowed himself to write to the man all too often. It brought a lot of complications with it, namely that Remus had to hold himself back from pouring everything he wanted into these letters, and the fact that it only made it harder to not think about Sirius the entire day.
Remus didn’t have money for the bus, so he had to walk for a while to get back home. He could have apparated, but he enjoyed the fresh air on his skin, and he knew he wouldn't be able to sleep soon anyway. When he had reached the street where his flat was in, he only focused on the pavement, dreading meeting the eyes of a neighbour, and so he was utterly and completely surprised when he raised his head and realised what was sitting in front of his door.
It couldn’t be. Why would it be?
The big, black dog stared at him with watchful eyes and didn’t move. For a second, neither of them reacted. Then, Remus quickly hurried towards the door.
“Sirius, what are you doing -”
A bark.
“Merlin, if the neighbours saw you -” Remus hurried up the stairs and urged the dog to follow him. When they had reached his flat, he didn’t bother getting out his key and just opened it with a flick of his wand. Sirius jumped inside, Remus slammed the door shut, and then they stared at each other again, big, brown eyes against small green ones.
It sounded a bit like a whisper when Sirius transformed back. The black fur disappeared, the stature became taller, and most importantly, smelled a little less like dirt. It was, undoubtedly, Sirius, who stood in his small hallway and threw him a look that missed the typical grin Remus remembered him by. He looked tired, malnourished and worry was starting to show itself on his face in the form of a wrinkle on his forehead. But despite that - despite that, a rush of warmth, of excitement, of happiness went through Remus, a feeling that shouldn’t be there, but that felt so kind on his skin. He had missed him. He had missed Sirius so much.
“Sorry.” Sirius’ voice was raspy and low. “Didn’t want to scare you, so I waited outside.”
Remus blinked slowly as he eyed Sirius’ dirty clothes, his unkempt hair and the shadows under his eyes. “You didn’t succeed.”
“Ah.” Sirius didn’t look away from Remus’ face, then opened his mouth and a flood of words that indicated he hadn’t talked for a few days was thrown at Remus. “Voldemort is back, he has a body again and assembled the death eaters. He tried to kill Harry, but Harry escaped. The ministry knows, but they aren’t going to do anything. Dumbledore told me to reassemble the Order, and he wants me to lie low at your place for a while.” He hesitated. “If you allow me to, obviously.”
Remus huffed. It was a lot of information to take in after being awake for so long, but at least he had kind of suspected that things might go this way. “Don’t say that. You can stay as long as you want, whenever you want.” He meant it, from the bottom of his heart. He meant even more with these words, but that he had to keep silent. Sirius, clearly relieved by that, relaxed a little, his shoulders lowering, and he promptly staggered and had to hold himself up by leaning against the door.
“Sit down, you need to rest.”
Sirius opened his mouth in protest.
“You can tell me everything in detail later, Pads. It’s no help if you collapse on the ground.” He gave his friend a smile and gestured for him to move into the living room. Sirius relaxed a bit further, and something like a smile appeared on his face as well.
“Thank you, Moony. Don’t know where I would go if it wasn’t for you.”
The nickname sounded like music to Remus’ ears. He hadn’t heard Sirius say it for so long that it almost seemed like a dream he had ever heard it after the war - but it wasn’t, and Sirius was here, and he was alive and innocent and with Remus again. When he realised that, he couldn't help himself but step closer to Sirius, his Sirius, and pull him into a quick hug.
Sirius hesitated for a second, then a raspy laugh escaped his throat and rolled against Remus’ chest. “Missed me much, Moony?” His fingers were cold when they dug into Remus’ back.
“Don't flatter yourself.”
“Well, I certainly missed you.”
“Ah.”
“That’s the part where you finally admit you did as well, you arse.”
Sirius sat down on the old sofa that the previous tenant had left in the flat. It was brown, but Remus suspected it hadn’t always been. He had tried to clean it before, but his housekeeping charms had never really been that good and the dirt was very stubborn, so he had just left it this way. He guessed that Sirius wouldn’t care though, and evidently, he was right.
“Do you want to sleep? Or are you hungry?”
Sirius eyed him as he moved to the small kitchen counter right next to the sofa where empty tea cups were piling up.
“You look tired.”
“I was working”, Remus explained and filled two clean cups with boiling water. “Tea?” He didn't wait for an answer and just prepared it anyway.
“Working at night?”
“Yes.”
“Are you -” Sirius stopped when Remus threw him a look. “Sorry. Just wanted to make a joke.”
Remus squinted. “I can tell.” With how thin Sirius looked, he almost seemed small there on the sofa. His hair was long again, long and wild and it truly made him look like the escaped mass murderer everyone thought he was. He had also grown his beard again, even though Remus remembered him mentioning in a letter that he had cut it. The last weeks must not have been that nice on his friend.
Remus reached for one of the cupboards, then threw a package in Sirius’ lap. “Take some chocolate, will you? You probably haven’t eaten anything sweet in months.”
When he turned around to place the cup of tea on the floor (he didn’t have a table), Sirius was already munching on the chocolate.
“You're a lifesaver, Moony.” He swallowed. “You aren’t settled here, right?”
Remus sat down next to him and took a sip of his tea. “Are you asking me if I’m planning to stay in this wonderful place permanently?”
A wolfish grin was the answer.
“Funny. No, I am in fact not settled here. If the Order reassembles, I’ll be there right from the start.”
Sirius took another bite of the chocolate. He had always been a chocolate biter and Remus had always found that blasphemous, but he knew it was too late now to make him change. “I wasn’t trying to make fun of you. I just would have understood it if you needed to sort some things out before coming back to London.”
Remus snorted.
“Don’t play cool now, Moony, I’m trying to be nice here.”
It was very comforting that Sirius hadn’t even asked whether Remus would rejoin the Order. He just knew - had always known what Remus was like, and in the back of his mind, Remus knew that despite all of these years, Sirius was still the one person in the world who knew him the best. It was comforting and scary at the same time.
“You haven’t answered my question from before yet.”
Sirius, now finished with the chocolate and already halfway through his tea, just shrugged. “Is both an answer? I think I am both tired and hungry, but I didn’t come here expecting that you'd change that.”
Remus frowned. “What, you thought I just lived on the streets and won't be able to give you a place to sleep?”
Sirius stared at him, then made a dismissive noise. “Forget it. You're just misunderstanding me on purpose.”
Remus sighed and clung closer to the cup of tea. “You're right.” It had been a while since someone had called him out; he realised it often did him good. “I just - I'm tired, I think.” But not sleepy, somehow. “I just need - It's a lot.”
Sirius stared at him, then nodded as if he understood.
But he didn’t understand. He didn’t understand what it felt like to see the love of your life walk into your shitty flat like that, to have the person you care about so much that it hurt sitting on your sofa but being forced to keep apart. It felt so painful, but at the same time, he was so happy to have Sirius here, and his stomach was turning and twisting and his brain was fuzzy.
He still loved him. He had always loved him.
He had loved Sirius when they had been 15. He had loved Sirius during the war. It had been even easier to love him once he had realised that his love was requited.
He had loved Sirius after they had split up, when Sirius had left. He had loved Sirius after he had realised that they all suspected him to be the traitor.
He had loved Sirius when they had taken him to Azkaban for betraying Lily and James. He had loved a man who did something so inexplicably and ultimately evil. He had hated him.
He had loved a mass murderer in prison for twelve whole years despite that. He had loved Sirius when he had escaped. He had loved him so much that he had never told anyone about him being an Animagi.
He had loved Sirius when it had turned out he was innocent. When they met again. When they had parted again.
And he loved him still, after barely hearing from him for a year, after only inquiring once in a while despite thinking about him every single day. He had hated himself for this unwavering love, because while it was loyal, he hadn’t been supposed to love a man so cruel, a murderer and traitor. And when it had turned out that he had never loved a man like that, he hated himself for not having trusted him enough.
It might have been admirable to love so truly, to only ever love one person, but Remus knew he had to keep it for himself. After everything that had happened, how could he offer a love so selfish to Sirius? It was shameful that he still felt it and shameful that sitting next to him, hearing his breath, he wished that they could go back to how it had been so many years ago.
They could never go back. Never. And after so many years, Sirius deserved to have a future. He had suffered so much, after all.
“You do look like shit, mate.”
Remus snorted with laughter. “Thanks. I think I'll try and sleep for a bit.” He grabbed the blanket beside him and threw it at Sirius. “You should sleep too. Do you want the bed?”
“Stop kidding, I'm not taking your bed.”
“Alright then. There are some leftovers in the fridge -”
“What is a fridge again?”
Remus’ mouth twitched. “The cold cupboard. If you're hungry, just eat whatever.”
Sirius yawned. “Okay.”
“And you can shower if you want to.”
“Are you telling me I stink?”
“You know you stink.” Remus looked back from the door that was opposite to his small bedroom. “And if you need something, just wake me up.”
Sirius blinked tiredly but didn’t turn his head away from him. “You work tonight too?”
“Yeah.”
“Then I definitely won’t wake you up.”
Remus managed to sleep for a full four hours before he stared at his ceiling again and knew it made no sense to try and close his eyes. His whole body was itching; he was once again closer to the full moon and he could already tell that this one would be quite bad.
He looked at his watch and realised he still had a few hours left before he had to get to work. His stomach was empty, and he supposed that while he was at it, he should at least do something about that, even if he wasn’t hungry.
When Remus set foot in the living room again, he stopped. Sirius was still there on the sofa, snoring quietly, a soft expression on his face. He looked younger like that; Remus realised how much Sirius must trust him to sleep as deeply as this in his flat and a spark of happiness erupted in his stomach.
He tried to prepare a toast as quietly as possible and almost swallowed it down whole. Sirius twitched under his blanket and then mumbled something.
“Are you awake?”
He didn’t get an answer. Sirius hadn’t talked in his sleep before the war, or at least Remus couldn’t remember, but Azkaban had seemingly changed that.
Sirius mumbled something again, and this time louder. Remus furrowed his brows, unsure if he had understood correctly, but then, Sirius suddenly, very clearly and loudly, spoke again.
“Moony.”
Remus stared at his friend and remained frozen. He knew he shouldn’t hear this, but he couldn’t bring himself to run away from something that made him so happy.
“Moony.” The voice was hushed again, and Sirius followed the name up by some incoherent mumbling. “Mhm, Moony.”
He was being an arse. Sirius had always been incapable of being embarrassed, even as a teenager, but that didn’t mean it was okay to bring him into a situation like this. Remus quickly walked out of the room and closed the door, fighting against his beating heart. He ended up downstairs in front of the door, smoking and looking into the sky for any owl that might happen to come his way.
He had to give his best for Sirius. He had to make him happy. There was much he had left out on, much that he couldn’t redo, but this he wouldn't fuck up. And having him here again meant they could laugh together again, talk again, annoy each other again. It was more than he could have asked for.
Sirius had loved cinnamon buns when he had been younger. Tomorrow morning, Remus would bring some cinnamon buns with him and some orange juice and they would have a real breakfast.
He felt his own face turn affectionate when he remembered his first flat with Sirius. It had been cute and cosy and full of unnecessary stuff. They had never cleaned up and had always left their clothes lying around. One time, Remus had mindlessly taken one of Sirius’ shirts and had been attacked aggressively for the next week, mainly because he had looked better in it than Sirius.
Would it be too much to dwell in these memories together with Sirius? It most likely was, but there had never been another person that Remus could have shared them with.
The sun was already crawling closer to the ground when Remus threw one last look at the man sleeping on his sofa. Sirius hadn’t woken up so far, but he thought that was likely a good thing; if anyone deserved to get some good sleep in, it was Sirius. His face was hidden behind his long hair now, but Remus imagined that it looked peaceful.
He was so happy that Dumbledore had told Sirius to hide at his place. Remus tried to ignore it, but knowing that someone was there when he came home made the next hours of work almost seem bearable.
They had been apart for so long. Maybe they didn’t belong together anymore, but Remus would do everything to not have all of that time go to waste.