Work Text:
Dissonance
“Come on, Chuuya! We're almost graduating and yet you still can't—”
Chuuya quickly cupped Osamu’s mouth. Not liking how this best friend or his worst nightmare or his destined rival or whatever complexity he should describe between his relationship with Dazai Osamu is, what really truly is ever going to happen is that this man will always choose to purposefully be insufferable…to anyone, especially him. Irritating him to the point he is sure that he didn't just make his veins pop out of his head, but he blasted all them off, that's how Chuuya likes to describe it.
Nakahara Chuuya might have inexplicable anger issues that even psychiatrists wouldn't be able to handle or fully diagnose what actually the core of it but my goodness, it could be one of the root causes of it to even grow in him is because of Osamu's existence in his life. That lanky man sure was born to tease and annoy the people around him, it just gets worse that he's not sorry for it and mind you, he enjoys it.
Some people will think that Chuuya is just overreacting and he should get counseling to keep his anger in check and let it all out at necessary times.
But actually, his common sense will vanish when it comes to this particular person. Hell, even if this person was not in his sight and not near him, just the slight mention of their name can make him spiral out of control or not being able to think properly.
And Osamu is not helping him one bit. As per usual, he's just making things even worse for Chuuya (it's obvious that he was doing it on purpose). Osamu is actually the last person that Chuuya wants to associate himself with in college. Seeing his ass in highschool was already enough, he doesn't have to do anything with him at all if he were to have a choice to do so. That man was straight up making him want to commit illegal things that exist in this world because he will always pull the wrong strings on him and Osamu enjoys it, which makes Chuuya want to scream his lungs out on his face even more.
Of course, by logical thinking, there's no way Chuuya wants to even use his lunchtime and face Osamu at all. His life was better in the hours where he's not in Osamu's presence.
But Chuuya has no choice. He had to reiterate that every single damn time.
It's sickening indeed that in order to meet this very amazing person, Osamu has to be there too. Because what other excuse can Chuuya use to make this person meet him and it gets worse that unfortunately Osamu was the one that will be setting up these meetings, you know, acting like a wingman.
Out of all the courses that this person can take, why does it have to be Quantum Mechanics (the same course that Osamu is taking)?
I mean, there's endless reasons why Chuuya has grown fond of this person or directly saying that he has a crush on them, and he knows that the one particular trait that everyone else knows is how intelligent they are. They may be second to Osamu in class, but still, they got praised by everyone else for being effortlessly witty and sharp.
It's not just about their academic achievements either, it's truly they're just a smart person in general. Unlike Osamu, that man decided to not think in certain vital things like his finances or his food intake that is quite concerning but this person, on the other hand, was able to keep all of those little things in track too. Chuuya can say that he has never met someone as perfect as them before.
Chuuya removed his hand away from Osamu’s face and glared at him, “You speak about this one more time, I'll kill you for real,” As he let out a scoff, he stabbed the meatball in his plate harshly with his fork and shove it in his mouth like a hungry gremlin.
Osamu can't help but form an amused expression on his face. He's one peculiar human being indeed… because he found amusement from people's angered reaction, it's not just Chuuya’s (he'll say that it's one of his favorites).
And he then leaned his head back on both of his hands, obviously showing an I-don’t-care-what-you-say-and-what-matters-is that-I’m-enjoying-this face and he said, “I'm trying to just help… because apparently you're too much of a coward to admit your—”
Chuuya slammed his arms slightly onto the table, making sure Osamu shuts the fuck up because it's his turn to talk, “You do anything but help,”
Osamu is in disbelief that his laid back posture before has now disappeared, “I'm sorry…but who was the one that arranged this lunch? Just so that you and this girl you've been worshiping for God knows how long… Can have a conversation together?”
The redhead absolutely hates what this irritating man said is right. No, unfortunately he's always right and he was just the one that's too egotistical to tell him that he is. But he doesn't have to directly say it to Osamu, because he has always known that particular fact and he brags about it just by the tone of his voice.
So Chuuya decided to drift the topic somewhere else, “Where is she anyways?”
Osamu shrugs, “I don't know,” Abruptly a playful smirk etched on his features, “Maybe she's making out with someone right now~”
Chuuya only stayed silent, trying his best not to give in with Osamu's teasing. He knows that he did that just so he can strike his nerve but yet, Chuuya couldn't help but think that it can be true or possible.
This person is an unbelievably beautiful woman. Everyone on her left and right might want her as much as he does and that shouldn't be surprising. And who is he to stop her from doing things that she wants, it is her life anyways.
And Chuuya sure wants to smack his head on this table right now. Why on earth is he so jealous? He's not even in a relationship with this person and it just feels so embarrassing, it's like he lost his own self respect.
“If she's already with someone else, you can just tell me. I would've back off from the start,”
He said those words bitterly. Even the black pepper gravy that coated on his chicken chop sure was not tasting salty at all, it tasted bitter as his words were.
Osamu chuckled, liking how pissed off Chuuya is. Messing around sure is one of his favorite hobbies, but still, this man…somehow has basic decency in him at times, even if it's just little. But it is something rare he would do.
“I'm just kidding, Chuuya. You know what kind of person she is,”
“What does that supposed to mean?”
Osamu sighed, not believing that he has to explain it one by one to Chuuya like he's a kindergarten teacher teaching kids the alphabet for the first time, “You get what I mean!”
“No, I don't,”
Osamu scratched the back of his head, realizing that it was his turn to be annoyed, “Chuuya… you have seen her. She's not into relationships or stuff… typical college kids like. She's busy sticking her nose into her Quantum Mechanics world, she's not even bothered over anything else that she will deem a waste of time,” He chuckled in between his words, “I'm not even surprised if she chants the Schrodinger equation before she gets to sleep~”
“The fuck even is that?”
“I'm not asking you to understand Quantum Mechanics with that little brain of yours! Can you at least try to understand my point?”
Chuuya scoffed, “I get your point, you idiot. But who knows if she's actually seeing someone else. There's a possibility…” His tone of anger turned to disappointment. Just the thought of this person having their arms wrapped around someone else's neck and kissing them passionately can already make Chuuya’s heart stop beating, being completely dead and can't be resuscitated anymore. That's how heartbroken he will be.
“And that possibility will be impossible,” Osamu reassured him.
“How would you know? Just because you're her coursemate doesn't make you know everything about her,”
“Chuuya, I'm studying a course that has probabilistic nature and uncertainties is the new name of it. You think this girl has time to look out for dates and have fun? She's busy figuring out shit and connecting the dots of how matter and energy behaves at a atomic and subatomic level,”
Osamu sure was not convincing Chuuya of any sort. His explanation was just describing how even more attractive this woman is to him now because it somehow clicked in his head that this woman is studying such a difficult course but she's so good at it that nothing falters her at all.
Well, Osamu's persuasive words were kind of getting to him if he thought about it again, but that doesn't make him happier either. There's then a new possibility forming inside his head instead and he couldn't decide if it's worse or not.
“So now you're saying she's not interested in relationships at all?” Chuuya looked at him with a crestfallen expression.
Osamu thought for a moment, as he was surprised that Chuuya was making sense (for once), “It could be,” He then shrugs, “I mean, she's showing signs of someone aromantic,”
Fuck.
That's all that Chuuya can utter in his head.
He couldn't decide if this was worse or not. It doesn't matter if she rejected him because she already liked someone else or if she's not interested or wanting a relationship, because in the end, both of those reasons will hurt him.
No, just the thought of not being able to have this amazing woman will make him miserable for the rest of his life.
“Sorry for being late, guys,”
In an instant, Chuuya snapped his neck to the source of the voice that he recognized so much. Or embarrassingly to admit,that voice has been haunting his dreams for the longest time.
Finally.
You have arrived at their table. Even if it was about 7 minutes before your lunchtime to be over, you still wanted to spend time with them. You wanted to curse yourself for being so invested with today's topic which is, Quantum Entanglement and Bell's Theorem and you truly wasted your whole ass lunchtime just so you can ask your professor questions about it.
This is surely not your attempt to be some type of teacher's pet or anything or trying to put a halo effect on these professors so that they can give you high marks for your grades. Hell, you never even give two shits about your grades if you were being honest. You were always grateful with whatever grade you got (the lowest grade you ever got throughout your studies was A-).
But it's solely because of your passion in Quantum Mechanics that had led you to stray away from the time and also almost forgetting your promise to have lunch with Osamu and Chuuya.
Right, Chuuya.
Just saying his name can already send goosebumps to your body. You don't know when or how it happened, but unfortunately for you too, that you might as well have a big fat crush on him.
I mean, what kind of person will ever resist the sight of him? He's such a beautiful man, like a work of art to be exact. It's not just solely because of how fashionable he is (considering he’s a fashion student) but it was just…about him being himself. There’s so many things that you can say why Nakahara Chuuya is the most attractive and beautiful man you have ever encountered if you were being honest.
It’s just his mere presence or his simple existence that made you shaken in awe when you first met him. Calling it love at first sight sounded too cheesy, you were sure it was more than that. It started from admiration but it grows into a type of affection or whatever feeling that makes you feel uneasy. Honestly speaking, you were not liking or enjoying this feeling, you were at a phase that you chose to deny.
It’s like you just wanted to smack your head onto a wall. Why can’t you just see Chuuya just like you see Osamu? Why does he have to be so different than anyone else’s in your eyes? It’s like his presence was enhanced or became more attractive when he was in your point of view.
It’s just about his effortless confidence, that strong-willed aura he’s exuding and that cool attitude he was presenting that was pulling you more to him. Maybe he’s just the embodiment of things that you aren’t and you have mistaken for having affections for him. Overall, Chuuya is confusing you every goddamn time that you are near him.
You don’t like this. You absolutely don’t like situations where you will be out of words or you can’t think straight. You’re a Quantum Mechanics student for fucks sake, one of the difficult courses in this world and people will say that only suicidal people would want to endure it for the rest of their lives (not intending to make a joke about Dazai Osamu’s mental health condition).
So clearly…why on earth does Chuuya’s presence be more complicated and more arduous for you to face than any other theories that exist in Quantum Mechanics?
This is exactly why you choose to avoid him most of the time. Because you hate these unnecessary feelings you have for him that are growing precarious day by day.
Nakahara Chuuya was a distraction. That’s what he has always been. And that’s why sometimes you can't explain why you always turn down his invitations or whenever he asks to hangout. This is just the very definition of cognitive dissonance, you’re acting the exact opposite of what you have in mind. You feel even angrier to think that you want to be in his presence so badly than anything in this world but yet you choose to not go for it.
You hate desiring such things like this. About…being fond of someone that reaches an intensity that seems to be questionable in your opinion. You surely don’t understand romantic stuff or what it’s like to even have those feelings. It’s just your own nature, you hate it when you don’t understand something and it automatically makes you seek for its meaning and at this time you believe, you have to let that curiosity of yours to rest.
Well, for Quantum Mechanics, you were fine with handling that nature of yours, but when it comes to Chuuya, you wonder what you will turn into. You were so scared that your passion for him will exceed your love for that course of yours to the point you get distracted and lose track of your footing that you were so sure that you’re on the right path.
Probably that’s why you avoid him…most of the time. Because you are so petrified of what you will turn into.
At first, Chuuya was not realizing he had been staring at your beautiful presence for the past minutes and when he finally snapped out of it, he quickly moved his gaze back to his food that was almost finished. He hoped that he didn’t make you uncomfortable. He might possess an attitude of not giving a fuck what other says or think what he does, but he is still someone respectful and he knows what boundaries are.
There’s no way people like to be stared at.
“It’s no biggie, (Last Name),” Osamu decided to break the silence since he knew that Chuuya wouldn’t be able to string a sentence after staring at you like you're a display art in an exhibition.
You take your seat beside Chuuya, despite not liking being so near him but somehow a small part of you was happy that you get to do so. Everything when it comes to Chuuya was beyond complicated. You act like you don't want it but when in reality only God knows how desperately you want the things that are involving him.
Like you said before. All of this was foreign and strange. You don't understand one bit what's happening to you or even know why you're behaving this way. It's odd and overwhelming yet you'll be lying if you say that you don't enjoy the addiction of having those tingling butterflies forming in your stomach.
It felt good that you hate it so much. This can also be one of the reasons you avoid him. What if you're the only one that was embarrassingly feeling things between the two of you? What if it's all just one-sided?
All your life you never believe in love or even dream of chasing it. Your parents were also in an arranged marriage and they weren't a love match, you can't say that they're doing great but they weren't that bad either. It's just that you grew up with logical thinkings and rationality, so you believe two people being able to cooperate with each other and bear themselves to see the same person for their rest of their lives might just lead to an okay marriage. A bearable marriage was probably enough for you or not having it at all wouldn't be much of a problem either.
You basically grew up not knowing what love
actually is.
So you're not sure if you're in love with Chuuya, because you have no idea how love is represented…Hell, is love even real? Or was it just a superficial word someone made so that people will start seeking for a partner and just add the population of the world so that the world can increase the economic growth and cost efficiency?
All of this complicated shit can go burn in hell.
You don't even want the ‘l-word’ to even roam in your head. You don't feel like it even belongs there. No, it's more to how you're not capable of even feeling so…towards anyone.
Maybe you just adore Chuuya. Your fashion sense may just need improvement and you just compared yourself to him and that's why it led to this sudden can't-stop-thinking-about thingy you have for him. Guess you're just insecure and you probably had misunderstood it as romantic feelings.
As your eyes darted onto his bucket hat that you knew that it's some new creation he made in class and you decided to comment on it, “You're new hat is nice, Chuuya,”
Chuuya can't describe how much he wants to jump in joy at the moment. It's obvious he's wearing his new bucket hat that he just made three days ago so that you'll notice it and compliment it. His mission succeeded, there's nothing that could make him happier.
But of course he doesn't want to show how he truly feels, that'll just make him uncool. So he acts like the comment you gave was just like everyone else's but only he knows how special it was for him, “Thanks, I made it myself,” He was trying so hard to not sound cocky but he actually quite failed, because Chuuya sure has nothing else to boast around other than his talent in designing.
Thank God you don’t see it as something narcissistic for him to say as you just gave him a genuine smile, completely adoring how much of a confident man he is. “That’s not something surprising,” You only uttered.
Chuuya then decided to change the topic, “What have you been up to just now?”
“I was…asking questions to my professor,” You replied, “About the topics we just learned. It was very interesting,”
Osamu decided to interrupt, “You call every topic we learn interesting~” And that sentence had made Chuuya glared at him, absolutely not liking Osamu being sarcastic to his crush. He can say that he is fuming and that glare was a warning sign for him to shut the fuck up and let him have this genuine conversation with this beautiful woman because Osamu is not interested to be a part of it.
“Well, I…hate Angular momentum though,” You felt uneasy when you said the word ‘hate’ out of your mouth. It felt too much of a strong word. You can’t say you hate it, but you quite dislike it in a way because it’s confusing as hell and the formulas are almost similar to each other.
“(Last Name), you get full marks on the quiz. I’m pretty sure hate is not a word that you should be using,”
“But it’s because I–No, like it’s so hard to understand it so I force myself to look it up many times to the point…I…uh… finally can grasp it!”
Chuuya only stayed silent when you and Osamu was busy conversing about most important thing you both relate to: Quantum Mechanics. Fine, Chuuya gets it you two can talk about it endlessly because somehow you two have something similar in that aspect. But can Osamu at least show him mercy and not talk about fucking momentum or Newton’s Law or whatever the hell these Quantum Mechanics course teaches about because Chuuya feels sick of it.
He feels sick that he doesn’t understand what was going on. And he hates that talking about it will kind of engage you in a conversation and Chuuya would be lying if he says that he’s not jealous of Osamu. It went to the point that Chuuya had to embarrassingly asked Osamu if he had feelings for you.
Thank God he said he doesn’t. No, in fact it’s not just you that he’s disinterested in but he’s actually not interested in relationships, or he can say clearly that he doesn’t want commitment. Women are amazing. He knows that and he loves all of them, but at this ripe age of 22, it could be impossible for Osamu to only commit to one and be someone loyal. Let's say his shitty ass gets bored easily so he will end up finding someone else to flirt with.
Well, Chuuya despises him for that but at least he’s self aware. Now, it’s not Osamu that he’s worried about but it’s practically just you. What if you have feelings for Osamu instead? What if you will get brokenhearted to find out that Osamu will not reciprocate what you feel for him because he’s busy flirting with every woman out there that just breathes in front of him?
This overthinking sure was driving some type of madness to Chuuya. Because this can be possible. This is solely because before Chuuya has a crush on you, you and Osamu didn’t converse together that much but as Osamu was aware of his crush on you and setting up this meet between you two without you realizing the real purpose, you two somehow grow close along the way and end up being in the same group assignments together.
What if you agreed to all of these meetings just because you want to be close to Osamu instead of him?
My God, Chuuya never knew strong feelings like this can be so complicated. Now there’s so many possibilities of why he can’t have yo: 1) You may already have a lover and you decided to not be open about it, 2) You might have a crush on Osamu instead and 3) You’re aromantic and you don’t want to pursue anyone at all.
So after blocking off the highly intellectual conversation you are having with Osamu, his thoughts were finally snapped when he realised you were talking to him.
“Are you okay, Chuuya?” You tilted your head a little, wondering why he was just staring at his empty plate like something is devastating him so much.
Chuuya just shook his head slightly, as if his mind wasn’t full of overwhelming thoughts just now, “Yeah, I’m good,” He said, “Probably too full to talk,”
“Ah, I see,” You replied quickly to his made up excuse, “Your meal was making me hungry to be honest. But I'm not sure if I can make it in time in to class if I have lunch now,”
As you finish your sentence, Chuuya then felt like a lightbulb appeared on top of his head.
This is it.
This is a moment where he would have called it a chance and he shouldn't be wasting it at all. This is like a once in a lifetime opportunity that will rarely pop up in his life so once it does, Chuuya would not hesitate to grab it.
“Well, we can go to dinner together if you want. There's a new Sushi restaurant near our university. I was planning to try it,” Chuuya sure said with ease and confidence but only God knows how nervous he was at the moment.
Because every time he asked you to hang out places that were outside of university and purposefully didn't say Osamu's name, meaning that it will just be the two of you, the answer you will give him will always be ‘no’ and there will just be some excuse you give to avoid it from happen.
Chuuya is not dumb. He knows that you're not busy every time he proposes anywhere for you two to go and spend time together. He can see it clearly that you're avoiding him and he can't see the reason why. Is it because he is not attractive to you?
That can't be right. Nakahara Chuuya is not someone invisible in a crowd or having people taking a double take on him is something quite common that he grows bored of it. He knows how attractive he is and he sure was noticing how you stare at him at times.
So that couldn't be the case, right?
But whenever Osamu proposes anything where there would be the three of you, you wouldn't hesitate to agree at all. Oh, now it's more and more believable of you having feelings for Osamu. Maybe it was all just because you wanted to be close to him because comparing to him and Osamu, it seems like it's more possible for you to be drawn to Osamu than him, you two have lots of things you can relate to and seems like you both have something in common to converse without second thought.
Fuck, never in his life would he ever thought that he wished that he was born as Dazai Osamu. He despises that irritating man for the love of God and being born as him should be the last thing he wanted to be.
Chuuya’s sudden suggestion had made your mind go blank. You sure were stunned because it just came out of nowhere. You kept silent for a moment, trying to think if you should agree or not.
You were aware of how many times you rejected these hangouts that he proposed. And you always knew how cruel you are to turn him down everytime. Maybe it's just him genuinely wanted to form a friendship with you or whatever intentions he were thinking of that might just be platonic.
And that's why you rejected all of them. Because you were scared that you will misunderstood his actions and as you said before, you were scared that if you two spend more time together alone without Osamu something else will form inside of you. You have this type of infatuation or crush or whatever the hell people call it for him and if you spend more time with him, it might just turn into something intense that you wouldn't be able to handle.
What if it leads to a situation where you realised that your feelings were unrequited? What if there's a moment where you leaned in to him and try to kiss him but he just stay still, completely confused on what on earth you were trying to do?
God, just the thought of that is making you shiver down your spine. Not in a good way of course, because this feeling was actually just straight up miserable.
Deep down, you wanted to spend more time with him so badly. Alone to be specific if you were being honest because if you're truthful enough, you see Osamu as a nuisance. And the only good thing about him was making you and Chuuya meet without making it look like you're meeting him with purposes that you don't even want to name or describe.
But yet again, your avoidant behavior was somehow taking over you. And you hate yourself for that. You don't want Chuuya to think that you don't like his company or anything but you were sure confused with your own decisions that you make.
You have your gaze on Osamu and his eyes were signalling you to just go for it. Like he always do.
Right.
You did discuss with Osamu about this peculiar feelings you have for Chuuya and you were sure that you want to hit him in the head because he seems to be giving vague and unfinished answers to your curiosity about it. You genuinely think maybe he wasn't sure either because it seems that he's not settling for anyone and he flirts with any pretty girl he see near his radar, so maybe asking advice from him sure was not the best thing to do.
But still, whenever it comes to Chuuya, he is the type to just encourage you to just go with the flow and not overthink it. He told you many times to not worry about uncertainties or over things that aren't happening yet because it will drain you in the end.
Maybe you should agree this time?
Maybe it wouldn't be that bad. Maybe Chuuya wasn't a distraction that you thought he will be and everything will be just normal and fine.
Maybe…just maybe…
God, everything inside of you was so complicated. Because if you decided to agree spending time alone with him, there will be this hope in you and you anticipate for him to feel the same way you do for him. But that shouldn't happen…you don't want him to reciprocate your feelings because then you both will start dating and then things will grow even scarier by then between you and him.
You have saw many good platonic friendships that turn into romantic ones had end with a bad note, which means they seperated after and become strangers again. You sure don't want that between you and Chuuya. Hell, you don't want anything to end between you and him. And you thought not going further will be better as the risks to end anything with him will be less.
It's selfish of you indeed. But you kind of feel you would rather stay in this safe bubble rather than knowing that there's a possibility between you and Chuuya to have a bad ending.
So as you had your eyes back on Chuuya, you just realized that his blue ones were looking at you all this time, waiting patiently for an answer from you, not knowing if he should feel apprehensive or not at the moment.
As per usual, you gave him a small smile. And that was already enough for him to know what your answer would be.
“I'm sorry, Chuuya. I'm quite busy after class because I got a lot of work to do,”
Great. This is just so great. Both of you really making this more difficult than it already is. Chuuya being too wary to show what he truly feels and make you understand him wrongly and you avoiding any proximity as possible from him because you don't want to fallbdeeper for him.
It's not you nor Chuuya that's the most frustrated. It was obviously Osamu being the unpaid wingman that's so done with both of you and at this point, he wishes that he's not in this situation even at all.
“That's fine,” Chuuya just answered briefly. Trying his best not to sound disappointed. He couldn't recall how many attempts he had done this but it sure was many and all of it will result to you turning him down.
Should he just give up at this point? Find someone else to fall in love with? Maybe someone else will make it easier, they will definitely agree the first time Chuuya propose it.
But the problem is, Chuuya is not the type of person to fall for someone easily. There could be a possibility for him to take more years to fall in love with someone else other than you
Then there was this silence between you two. It was just so loud that Osamu feels like he wants to bang his head on the table so that the silence will not be so deafening. Both of you are so stupid and stubborn, why is so hard for you two to just tell what you truly feel? What's with all the hassle?
Osamu will be lying if he says that he's not the type to believe in love. He does, it's just that he knows that love is not for him so of course, from his point of view, he can already tell that you two are in love with each other and all it's left is for you to confess to one another.
So you broke the silence by saying, “I'm…going to buy a meal. I'll probably eat it for dinner I guess,”
“Yeah, go ahead,” Chuuya replied and you quickly stood up from your seat. You weren't that hungry if you were being honest, it's just that you wanted to run away from this situation as quickly as possible. Because the look on Chuuya's face was making you guilty than you already were.
You then head off to the counter, trying your best to at least pick a meal for your dinner and stop having the image of Chuuya's dismayed expression on your mind.
Chuuya decided to take out his phone from the pocket of his jeans, maybe he'll open any social media he has to give him some type of distraction. Even if he knows that this feeling that was creeping inside of him wouldn't be wearing off any time sooner.
Osamu looked at your figure that was ordering your food at the counter and then he looked back at Chuuya that was busy scrolling an app on his phone. All he can do was just sigh and shook his head after seeing you two being so complicated and difficult.
This is a long way to go.
Osamu isn't surprised if it turns out that he will get married first to someone before you two even confess to each other.
That's what you two will always be having anyways.
Something you two have in common.
A cognitive dissonance.
A/N: I'm a die-hard Fyodor simp but why on earth Chuuya calling him an anemic son of a bitch is making me get butterflies in my stomach LMAO.