Chapter Text
Everyone was celebrating Zuko like he was some kind of hero. Like he’d saved the day. As if Aang, Toph and Appa hadn’t really been the ones to get us out of the Air Temple when Azula hunted us down. What had Zuko done aside from jumping around from war balloon to war balloon like some kind of Rabaroo? Oh, that’s right. I forgot. He’d also fallen—probably to his death, if we hadn’t saved him.
He’d done the bare minimum, and they were acting like he’d saved the day. The most he’d done had been tackling me out of the way of some falling rocks. And I’d seen them coming. I was about to waterbend them out of the way before he’d slammed into me and pinned me to the ground, taking me out of the fight. Honestly, I would’ve thought he was trying to betray us if he hadn’t fallen to what would have been his death. Apparently, it was just that he was as worthless at helping us as he’d been at trying to capture us.
But he would betray us. I was sure of it.
I’d trusted him, let my guard down. I’d almost used the precious water from the Northern Water Tribe on him. And in return, he’d attacked Aang and me, and his actions had very nearly—no, they had gotten Aang killed. If it wasn’t for the water, Aang would have been dead for good. As it was, I’d pulled him back from the doorstep of death.
And now here Zuko was, laughing and smiling like he was one of us. As he wore his Fire Nation clothes and laughed and smiled like he wasn’t one of the people that would kill everyone and everything I—or anyone—cared about the second he saw something he could gain from it. Why was I the only one that saw that? Aang was sweet, forgiving and naive, so this kind of behavior didn’t really surprise me from him. But Toph was usually good at reading people, and she was way too blunt to be acting. And Sokka. His friendliness toward Zuko hurt the worst. He knew better than most what the Fire Nation was. But ever since he and Zuko had gone to the Boiling Rock, it was like Zuko was his best friend, a shining hero who could do no wrong. How could he not see he was being manipulated? What did the Fire Nation care if they sprung three prisoners? Three prisoners to gain the Avatar’s undying trust was a fair price to pay.
They were toasting him now. Zuko grinned and then feigned bashfulness as he said he didn’t deserve this, and I’d had enough. I put my bowl down, my appetite nonexistent, agreed with him, and walked away.
I was trying to calm myself, sitting on the cliff and looking out at the water, when I heard footsteps behind me. I turned, hoping it was Aang or Sokka, that maybe I’d have the chance to talk some sense into them. But, no. It was Zuko. Anger made my stomach clench, and I jumped to my feet, hands balled into fists at my sides.
He held his hands up, as if trying to show he didn’t have a knife he’d been planning on burying into my back. Physical knife tonight or no, I knew it was coming.
“I know you still think I’m going to betray you,” he said quietly. “But I’m not. I saved you from the ceiling collapsing today, remember? Why would I do that if I was going to turn on you?”
My eyes narrowed. “I don’t know, Prince Zuko.” I spat the title out, hoping it would land like the insult it was. He was the prince of murderers. “Maybe you thought saving me would make me trust you. But I’m never going to trust you again. I did once. I was the first one to trust you. And look at what happened!” For a head-spinning moment, it was Jet’s face I saw, not Zuko’s. I had a habit of lowering my guard and letting people in way too easily. Not this time. I’d learned my lesson. “You may say you’re on our side now, but I know you. The second you see an opportunity to get what you want, you’ll betray us again. And who knows. Maybe this time, you’ll succeed in killing Aang.”
He flinched. “I don’t—I never wanted—” He pressed his thumb and index finger to the bridge of his nose. “I’m sorry, okay? I made a mistake. I thought—”
“You thought what? That killing the Avatar would make your father love you? I’ve got news for you, Zuko. No one could ever love you. Not even a monster like him.”
I expected that to break him. I thought he’d finally snap and reveal what it really was he was doing here. Or revert to his old ways. Instead, he dropped his head and sighed. “I know.”
“What?” I couldn’t stop the word from bubbling out of me. How could that be his reaction to what I’d just said? Clearly it wasn’t true. He’d supposedly had a girlfriend—Sokka had told me about how he and that dreary girl Mai had supposedly dated. And his uncle, Iroh, loved him more than anything. Not that I was about to say that. I didn’t much feel like building him back up.
“I had people that loved me. My mom. Uncle. Mai. But I messed it all up. They tried to help me, and I got them hurt. No. I hurt them. But I’m trying to change.” He looked up, his golden eyes glowing with determination. “And I hope that one day, I’ll deserve the love they showed me. And maybe eventually, I can earn it back.”
He was a good actor. I’d give him that much. I shook my head, unsure how to respond to words that seemed so vulnerable. It was just like how Jet had responded to my anger. With desperation to show me he’d changed. And he had. He’d died for Aang. But, no. This was Zuko. And Zuko had already gotten his chance to change, and he hadn’t. He wouldn’t fool me again.
“Well, maybe you’ll have more luck with that than you will earning my trust.”
“I—”
“No!” I slashed my hand down, and the water behind me crashed into the cliff angrily. “Stop trying to make me trust you. It isn’t going to happen. You won Aang over by teaching him firebending, and you won Sokka over by going with him to get Suki and our dad back. But there’s nothing you can give me, unless somehow you can bring back my mom.”
He flinched, and I grinned, though there was no humor in it. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.” I stormed past him, shoving into his shoulder as I did. Maybe this time he wouldn’t follow me.
That night, I dreamt of my mom. She brushed my hair behind my ears, smiling at me with eyes full of tears as she told me not to let her death color my views of the world. “There is good in everyone, Katara. But sometimes they need help nurturing it.” Her voice sounded distorted, my memory straining against the years without having heard it.
I folded my arms. “Why do I have to be the one to nurture it?”
“Because that’s the kind of person you are.” This new voice sounded clear as ice crunching underfoot, and it made the cracks running through my heart spread a little farther. Jet walked up beside my mom, smiling around that stupid piece of straw he always seemed to have. “You make people better just by being yourself.”
My mom nodded. “He’s right. But you don’t owe this exiled prince anything. I understand your pain. The Fire Nation has hurt you, badly. And they’ve taken much from you.” She cupped my face, her icy hands reminding me of home. “Perhaps the biggest being your childhood. You were forced to grow up far too fast. I’m sorry.”
I leaned into her hand, tears flooding my eyes and making her blur. I tried to blink them away hurriedly, unwilling to lose a second of seeing her. Who knew how long it would be until she visited me again? “I just want you back, Mom.” My voice sounded thick and strange around the lump in my throat.
“That’s not all you want,” Jet said, and I looked to him in confusion. His smile had turned sad. “I saw something in you, Katara, from the first moment I met you. Something I recognized. Hate and anger. You want revenge.”
It was my closest kept secret, but it was true. I’d had many dreams about finding the man that had killed my mom. And ending him. And when I’d threatened Zuko the other day, part of me had hoped desperately he’d betray us, so I could get a taste of the revenge I’d been longing for.
“Don’t give into it,” Jet said, drawing my attention back to him. “It destroyed me. Don’t let it destroy you, too.”
He disappeared, and I turned back to my mom, terrified she was about to leave as well. She clasped my hands in hers. “This boy—Zuko. You have a choice. You can hate him and push him away, choosing to cling to your hurt. Or you can show him kindness, and perhaps in so doing, show yourself a little kindness, too.”
“What do you mean by that? How would showing him kindness be showing me kindness? He’ll only betray us again.”
She smiled, her eyes growing distant. “I love you, Katara.”
“No, Mom, don’t—" I woke up, my cheek and hands still cold from where she’d touched them, but my hot tears quickly stole away the chill on my face.
After I’d calmed down and made sure there was no evidence of my tears, I walked out of my tent, startling slightly when I found Zuko waiting for me. Great. This was exactly how I’d wanted to start my morning.
He straightened, his face paler than normal and a shadow starting to form under his good eye. He looked like he hadn’t slept well. Good.
“You look terrible,” I commented, and then walked past him.
“I don’t doubt it. I waited out here all night.”
“Well, that’s not creepy at all.”
He sighed, but I got the feeling he wasn’t frustrated with me. “I waited because I wasn’t sure if you’d like what I have to say.”
I snorted, rifling through my bag as I searched for my brush. “I don’t like anything you have to say.”
“That’s true.”
When he didn’t say anything else but also didn’t leave, I groaned. “Just say it so you can leave me alone.”
“Okay.” He paused, probably waiting for me to turn around. But I wasn’t about to give him that satisfaction. He could say whatever was on his mind to my back while I tried to tame my hair. “Yesterday, you said there wasn’t anything I could give you. And you were right that I can’t bring your mom back. But I can give you the man that killed her.”
The brush slipped out of my hand, and I whirled around. He’d been looking off to the side, but his eyes darted toward me, and he took a step back. I wasn’t sure what I looked like, but from his expression, the intensity I was feeling inside must have shown on my face.
“What? How?”
He swallowed. “Sokka told me what happened. He told me what the flags looked like. I know how to find him.”
Blood rushed in my ears, sounding an awful lot like the waves slamming against the cliffs. Was this all some kind of elaborate plan? Take me off on one of his field trips and kill me, saying that it was the man that had killed my mother? Then he’d have me out of the way, and no one would be left to distrust him. There’d be no one to stop him from killing Aang.
But… but maybe he really did plan to take me to that monster. To let me kill him. After all, if Zuko came back without me, the others might get suspicious. One insignificant man’s death was a small price to pay for possibly winning my trust at last. Only it wouldn’t win my trust. Nothing Zuko could do would ever make me make that mistake again. But I had to take this chance.
I remembered my mother’s tear-filled eyes from my dream the night before. Her pain not over having been killed but over making me grow up without her. I’d do whatever it took to get revenge for her.
“Then let’s find him,” I said.
Aang and Sokka hadn’t been thrilled with the plan. Aang, predictably, told me that I should forgive the monster. Sokka had agreed with him. It hadn’t surprised me. They hadn’t been in the igloo that day. They hadn’t seen Mom’s fear and desperation. They hadn’t seen that monster’s glee as he held my mother’s life in his hands.
Then Aang had compared me to Jet, and I’d remembered the dream—Jet urging me not to let revenge destroy me. But this was different. Jet had wanted to take the whole Fire Nation down for what they’d done. I would stop at this one man. Though perhaps the entire Fire Nation did need to be washed away. Zuko had proven to me that none of them could be trusted.
And yet… he was different on the journey. He was the Zuko he’d been underneath Ba Sing Se. He listened to me talk about my mom silently, and he recognized her bravery. It was confusing, and I could understand better how Aang and Sokka had come to trust him. Zuko alone was… different. He was quieter. He listened better. And he was channeling all of his intensity into helping me accomplish my goal.
“Katara, you really should get some sleep,” he urged. “It’ll do you no good to face this man when you’re so tired you can’t see straight.”
I snorted. “You just want me to sleep so you can toss me off of Appa and into the ocean. Then you won’t have to deal with me anymore.”
“Is that what you think of me?” He asked, and I was surprised at the hurt in his voice. He already knew I expected him to betray us. This wasn’t news to him. “You’re the strongest waterbender I’ve ever met. Even I’m not stupid enough to try killing you by throwing you into the ocean.”
My own laughter surprised me. Maybe I really did need some sleep. Laughing at something Zuko had said that was meant to be funny? I really was sleep-deprived. “You’ve done dumber things. Like trying to face me on a full moon.”
He laughed too. “That’s true. But I was desperate. If I didn’t face you, I was worried Zhao would capture Aang.”
“Before you could and claim all the glory, you mean?”
He sighed. “Yeah. I… look, it’s not an excuse, but I just wanted to go home. I thought that capturing Aang and taking him home would restore my honor. I thought it would make my father look at me the way he looked at Azula. Like I was worth something.”
“Did he look at you like you were worth something when he thought you helped kill Aang?”
“Yes. But he wasn’t seeing me.”
I looked over my shoulder at him, the pain in his voice drawing my attention. His eyes were clouded by that same pain. He couldn’t be acting right now. This was real. When I spoke, my voice was quiet. “What was he seeing?”
“A clone of Azula. Someone powerful and willing to do whatever it takes to fulfill his vision to take over the world and have everyone bow down to us. Even if that means killing innocent people and betraying and hurting your own family.”
I looked back out at the sea stretched before me, thinking that over. All of it sounded like Zuko to me. “Isn’t that exactly who you are?”
“No—well, yes. It’s who I’d become. And realizing that also made me realize it wasn’t who I wanted to be. I thought that we were taking over to help people. But we weren’t helping people. We were hurting them. And family and honor—doing the right thing—those have always been the things that mattered most to me. And maybe that’s part of what drove me. I thought that in order to keep my family, I had to be more like Azula. But now I realize that they aren’t my family. Uncle is. And I want to be the person he saw when he looked at me.”
“And who was that?”
He was silent for so long I didn’t think he was going to answer. But when I looked over my shoulder, I saw him watching me, and the intensity in his gaze seemed to make his golden eyes glow, as if they were on fire. “I think the same person you saw under Ba Sing Se. Someone worth saving. Someone worth trusting. Someone good, that would sacrifice himself to save anyone. Someone that could help to unite all four nations—or what’s left of them, after what we’ve done—and start to undo the pain and destruction the Fire Nation has caused.”
I looked away. I supposed I’d seen some of that under Ba Sing Se. But mostly what I’d seen was someone lost in pain and grief, who’d had to grow up far too fast and that was in way over his head. I’d seen myself.
“I’m sorry I betrayed the trust you put in me,” he said, and then added, in a voice so quiet I couldn’t be sure I heard him correctly, “I’m sorry I hurt you.”
I swallowed the lump rising in my throat. “Take over. I’m going to get some sleep after all.”