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Natasha cornered him after training one day, examined him head to toe, and said, “take a weekend. I have a cabin in Vermont, I’ll give you the keys.” Steve could almost hear the or else tacked on to the end of the sentence. He blinked, a little taken aback.
“Is something wrong?” He asked
“Other than the fact that you’re stressed and I can handle the newbies for a few days?” Natasha asked.
“I’m always stressed,” Steve said honestly, “and I don’t doubt your ability, just…why now?”
“Because I said so,” Natasha said, “and between you being stressed and Loki being…whatever you want to call the mood he’s been since Ultron, I think you could both use some time away.” Steve hesitated, but he couldn’t pretend he hadn’t noticed what Natasha was talking about. Loki was almost never the picture of relaxation, but lately he’d been swinging between frenetic bursts of energy and a closed off quiet that, frankly, terrified Steve, and left him short tempered and stretched thin. Maybe Natasha had the right idea: a weekend off, away from all of this, the two of them in a quiet cabin, might do them both some good.
“Just the weekend,” Steve said, relenting. “If Loki goes for it.”
“Oh, he’ll go for it,” Natasha said, her lips twitching at the corner. “A weekend out in the wilderness with you all to himself?” Her raised eyebrow made Steve’s face heat, and he made a face at her instead of trying to reply. “I’ll text you the address and get you a copy of the keys. If you’re still here Friday afternoon I’m going to throw you in my trunk and drive you there myself.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Steve said. “Though I’ve gotta ask – what do you do with Loki in that plan?”
“Still figuring that bit out.” Natasha gave him a quick smile. “Seriously, Steve. Go have fun. Relax. And if anyone tries to destroy the world – it’s only Vermont, all right?”
“It’s only Vermont,” Steve allowed.
Loki was suspicious at first.
“You are being sent away,”he said, eyes narrowed. “What for?”
“Just for a break,”Steve said. “Natasha thinks I’m too stressed.” Half truth, but he didn’t want to put Loki’s back up. It seemed like a good call, considering the fact that Loki relaxed and nodded as though that were perfectly reasonable, which made Steve want to protest that he was fine, but he kept his mouth shut.
“And I am to accompany you to keep you busy,”Loki said, and the slight quirk of his eyebrows reminded Steve of Natasha’s, making him blush. He wondered briefly how Loki would react to Steve’s saying that Natasha was also worried about him – even if that wasn’t exactly the right words – and decided against saying it.
“If you don’t want to go,” Steve started.
“I do want to,” Loki interrupted, smoothly. “I merely wanted to be certain this was not an attempt to trick you.”
Steve frowned. “Natasha wouldn’t do that.” He was pretty sure. Loki’s shrug suggested he did not take that for granted, but Steve shook himself. “I don’t think that’s it. I think I’m honestly just…getting sent on a vacation.”
“Good,” Loki said. “You deserve one,” and that was that. The rest – Natasha gave him the keys and the address, Steve got halfway to renting a car before remembering that he didn’t need to, and before noon on Friday they were standing in the woods in front of a lovely looking cabin.
Based on Natasha and cabin in the woods Steve had been picturing one room and an outhouse, but it was actually pretty good sized, with a bedroom, kitchen, and living room. The toilets even flushed. Working electric lights and a gas range, too – but a wood stove. Watching Loki survey their surroundings, Steve realized abruptly that this must seem like pretty mean quarters to him. “Is this all right?” He asked, suddenly anxious. Loki gave him a startled look.
“Why would it not be?”
“Well, it’s not exactly…princely.” Nice, and cozy, but there were definitely holes in the upholstery of the couch. Loki blinked at Steve, and then laughed.
“I have weeks traveling in tents during Alfheim’s rainy season,” he said. “This is quite a bit better. And the company alone makes it more than adequate.” His smile was quick, but genuine, and Steve relaxed. Already, he thought, Loki did seem better than he had lately. More at ease, less like he was moving around waiting for the axe to fall. At least now Steve knew what axe, but that didn’t leave him much more able to help, especially when every time Steve tried to bring the conversation around to Loki talking about his experiences he shut down faster than Steve could say you’re not weak.
Leave it alone, Steve reminded himself. He’ll come to you when he’s ready. Steve hoped.
“As long as you’re comfortable,” he said. Loki left off his inspection and paced over, kissing Steve gently on the mouth.
“Steve,” he murmured. “Stop fretting.”
Steve slid his arms around Loki’s waist and found a smile. “’Fraid I can’t do that.”
“Hmm.” Loki kissed him again, a little longer. “Perhaps I can at least distract you for a time?”
“We haven’t even unpacked,” Steve said, half a protest. Loki’s lips pressed against Steve’s pulse, teeth scraping very lightly against skin, and a pleasant shiver went down his spine.
“Exactly,” Loki said. “We should make ourselves at home first, hmm?” He was steering Steve methodically towards the couch. Steve didn’t push back against it.
“This is Natasha’s furniture,” he reminded Loki. Loki’s lips moved up to his earlobe and bit down, lightly. Steve sucked in a breath.
“We’ll just have to make sure to clean it, then,” he said. “All these lovely surfaces. We have to start somewhere.” Steve let out a helpless little laugh and gave up on trying to come up with reasons to resist, letting Loki take over.
They lazed around, after. Loki lay sprawled on the couch like a satiated cat, limbs loose and – at least apparently – totally at ease. Steve brought in an armful of wood from the shed outside, already cut, and poked around exploring the kitchen.
Around midday, it started to snow. Steve stopped organizing the silverware drawer when he noticed, looking out the window and frowning. He heard Loki move. “What’s the matter?”
“It’s snowing,” Steve said.
“Perhaps we should summon Thor,” Loki said lightly. Steve glanced at him, and Loki half smiled and shook his head. “No, this isn’t his kind of storm.” He stood up, blanket draped around his shoulders doing little to cover his state of undress, and paced over to look outside with Steve. “It is very light. Are you concerned that the roads will close and we will not be able to get back?” He teased. Steve shook his head.
“No, it’s just – seems early,” he said. “And what if it doesn’t stay light? We could get snowed in.” He knew he sounded silly. It was just a few flakes, after all. But even if it was perfectly warm inside he still felt a chill down his spine, nervousness a weight in his gut. He could feel Loki watching him and tried to take a deep breath. “You’re right. It’s nothing.”
“Hmm,” Loki said noncommittally, and bent his head to kiss Steve’s shoulder. “Well, you shan’t make it stop by staring at it.”
Could you? Steve almost asked, but didn’t. He was being silly, letting just the idea of being snowed in get to him, when it was hardly even sticking on the ground. He dealt just fine with snow in New York every winter; he might not like it but he dealt with it. Natasha was right: he needed to relax.
He turned around. “Are you hungry? I could make some late lunch. Or early dinner.” He found a little, teasing smile. “You could even put some clothes back on.”
“You aren’t enjoying the view?” Loki said, just a little arch. Steve shook his head, fondness welling up so intense it made his chest ache.
“You’re impossible,” he said.
“The word people usually use is incorrigible,” Loki said, but he made a quick gesture and summoned a pair of loose black pants. “So you don’t get too distracted,” he said, pulling them on. “Easy to remove, too.” He leered at Steve, who gave him a little shove.
“How about some hot chocolate,” he proposed. “I brought marshmallows.”
“I do not think I can object to that,” Loki said, one of his thumbs running across Steve’s collarbone. He kissed Steve’s lips again, this time softly, like he was trying to soothe Steve with his mouth. It worked, sort of. “I shall get to work putting away our things. And then we can have a relaxing afternoon.”
By the time the sun was starting to set, the snowfall had thickened and accumulated on the ground. Steve opened the door and looked out at the woods, stomach feeling tight. Already, everything had that muffled feeling, and the air was cold enough that Steve started shivering almost immediately, though it was possible that wasn’t just because of the temperature. He wrapped his arms around himself and took a deep breath. Loki’s fingers wrapped around his arm and tugged him gently back in, shutting the door firmly.
“Captain,” he said, and Steve tried to shake himself.
“I’m fine,” he said. The look Loki gave him was painfully skeptical, and Steve winced. “I am,” he insisted. “Cold just makes me a little…tense, that’s all.”
“It frightens you,” Loki said, and if the words were blunt the tone wasn’t. Steve still wanted to flinch.
“It’s all right,” he said. “Nothing I can’t handle.”
“Did I suggest that I doubted you could?” Loki released his arm and Steve resisted the urge to open the door again, to see if the snow had gotten any deeper.
“I just don’t like it,” Steve said, scratching at his arm to keep his hands busy. He turned around to look at Loki, who was watching him with his head cocked to the side, concern written faintly in the line between his eyebrows. “It’s not a big deal. Just a little snow.”
“It reminds you of being trapped,” Loki said. Not really a question. Steve chewed on the inside of his cheek. It’s not a big deal, he wanted to insist again, but…he told Loki that he didn’t have to be ashamed of the things that haunted him. That fear didn’t make anyone weak. Loki was smart enough to notice if Steve’s actions didn’t match up with his words. He took a deep breath and let it out.
“Sometimes,” he said. “Yeah.”
Loki examined him, expression difficult to read, and then gestured at the couch. “Sit with me?”
Steve crossed over and sat. Loki sat next to him, hip to hip, and Steve leaned into him without thinking. Loki’s cool fingers brushed the back of his neck and Steve closed his eyes. “I don’t know if it’s just dreams or a memory,” he heard himself saying suddenly. “But sometimes I…I feel cold. All around. And I can’t move, can’t do anything. All I can feel is the cold and the fact that I’m afraid.” He made himself chuckle. “I should move to the tropics.”
Loki’s thumb pressed into his spine. “You died,” he said. Steve sucked in a breath to contradict him, but Loki cut him off. “Or nearly enough. It is not so surprising that that would linger with you.” He paused. “Would you like to go back? I can take us away from here, if you wish.”
For a moment Steve thought yes, let’s just go. We can go to the apartment and spend the weekend there instead; it’s probably not snowing in New York yet. But…he didn’t really want to go. He wanted to stay here, really, truly away from everything, with Loki. And by the way Loki had been acting since they got here…it was doing him good, and he wanted that too.
He wasn’t going to be stuck, Steve reminded himself. He wasn’t going to freeze. They were in a cabin, there was a wood stove and they had plenty of wood, there were blankets all over the place and Loki had his magic. Loki had his magic and could take them away from here at any time. “No,” Steve said finally. “No…it’s all right. I’ll be all right.”
“You are certain,” Loki pressed. Steve leaned his head on Loki’s shoulder.
“I’m certain. I want to be here. With you.”
Loki chuckled, very quietly. “Even though I will put my cold feet on your shins to warm them?”
“You’re doing me a favor,” Steve said. “I sleep too warm. It feels nice, after I get over the shock.”
“Perhaps I shall stop, now that I know you do not mind it,” Loki said lightly. Steve smiled a little.
“Nah. I don’t think you will.”
Loki’s hand moved to Steve’s shoulder, rubbing the muscle there. “Ah, Captain,” he said, breathed, something strange in his voice.
“What?” Steve asked, opening his eyes and turning his head to look at Loki. His expression was still hard to read, except that it looked like a mixture between fondness and a little bit of melancholy that made a pang of worry sound in Steve’s heart. Loki shook his head, though, and smiled, the melancholy fading.
“You,” he said. “That is all.”
Steve glanced toward the window. The sun had set and it was dark, but he could still see white flakes falling thick and fast. He made himself think about how beautiful it would look, the peaceful quiet of snowy woods, rather than the cold. “There’s a song like this,” he said. “The snow is snowing and the wind is blowing, but I can weather the storm…”
“This is hardly a storm yet,” Loki pointed out. “Would you like a fire? I can light one, if you like.”
“It can wait.” Steve turned his head and kissed Loki’s neck, first just lightly and then sucking until he heard Loki make a faint sound. Loki’s hand moved back up, fingers combing through his hair.
“Oh,” Loki said, voice low enough it was almost a vibration. “Well.”
Steve licked his lips. “Have you checked out the bed yet?”
“Only briefly,” Loki murmured, tipping his head back, offering his throat. Steve took the invitation, licking and nibbling his way down. “It looked quite – hmmm. Comfortable. Are you proposing we ought to investigate further?”
“Might be,” Steve said.
“I don’t feel myself inclined to refuse that invitation.” Loki’s other hand slid under Steve’s shirt, cool fingers playing over Steve’s stomach muscles that tensed under his touch. “In fact it sounds positively delightful.”
“Oh, good,” Steve murmured. “I was worried,” and felt a flush of warm relief at Loki’s soft laugh. It’d be all right.
What do I care how much it may storm: I’ve got my love to keep me warm.
Steve woke up with Loki’s legs tangled with his and his breathing soft on Steve’s ear, Steve’s body draped half over him, blankets wrapped around them both. Steve yawned, trying to shift a little; Loki murmured something and turned his face more fully into Steve’s neck. Loki never made it easy to get out of bed.
Still, he managed to disentangle himself carefully enough that Loki didn’t wake and slipped out to the kitchen, pulling on a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt on the way, only to stop, nearly gaping, when he looked out the window. Overnight, what looked like a couple feet had piled up, and if the snowfall itself had stopped the sky was still dark and cloudy, suggesting that it might not be done yet.
Steve took a deep breath and reminded himself that they weren’t trapped, they could leave any time, and if the floor felt cold under Steve’s bare feet the cabin itself wasn’t uncomfortable. He tore his eyes away and focused on his original plan of making pancakes.
Loki stumbled out of bed while Steve was mixing the batter, yawning widely and wrapped in a deep green robe. He glanced out the windows as well.
“It must’ve really started coming down after we went to bed,” Steve said, deftly cracking an egg into one of the mixing bowls. Loki’s gaze moved from the windows to Steve.
“You know you could have woken me,” he said.
“I know. I wanted to let you sleep.” Steve paused and turned to look at Loki, his hair mussed and curling slightly, eyes still slightly bleary. Steve liked looking at him like this: softer, more open. It was a quiet, unspoken kind of trust that shouldn’t, maybe, have been as significant as it was. “You looked comfortable.”
“I was,” Loki said, a faint smile turning up one corner of his mouth. “But then I lost my bedwarmer. You see the trouble.” Steve made a bit of a face at him and Loki’s smile broadened. “What are you making?”
“Pancakes,” Steve said. “I didn’t bring any blueberries, so you’ll have to settle for plain.”
“As long as there is syrup I think I shall manage.” Loki padded over to the kitchen, footsteps nearly silent, and tipped Steve’s chin up for a kiss, smile fading a little as he scanned Steve’s face. “Are you well?”
“You mean, am I freaking out because there’s a couple feet of snow on the ground?” Steve asked, trying to smile. Loki just waited, and Steve let the attempt go. “I’m fine,” he said. “It really…isn’t that bad. Honestly.”
“Mm. If you say so.” Loki did not sound convinced. Steve stirred the last of the batter together and began pouring it into the skillet on the stove.
“I was actually thinking…” Steve hesitated, but- “We could go for a walk after breakfast, maybe. It might be…nice.”
He could feel the skeptical look Loki was giving him. “Is this an attempt at conditioning yourself?” He asked, after a moment. Steve managed not to wince.
“Not exactly. Well – maybe a little. But it’s not about that so much as it’s about…” Steve felt his face color. “Maybe we could both use some good memories of snow.” It sounded silly, when he said it out loud. And risky, too, especially when Loki pulled his hand away and stepped back. After all, Loki hadn’t said…maybe he should have left it at being about himself. He looked down, flipping the pancake in progress.
“You may be right,” Loki said, just as Steve was about to apologize. “Though – did you bring warm clothing?”
“Oh,” Steve said, deflating a little, but Loki waved a hand, looking amused.
“No, no matter. That is what magic is for, I suppose.” He looked thoughtful, if a little bemused. “After breakfast, then. As long or short a walk as you like.”
Steve sagged a little in relief. “Thanks,” he said earnestly.
“For what?” Loki said lightly, and before Steve could answer added, “are those pancakes ready yet? It seems a night of ravishing Captain America leaves one positively ravenous,” and Steve felt his face go hot.
“How about you get the bacon out of the fridge and set the table,” he mumbled, ducking his head. “And maybe there’ll be a few ready by then.” He paused. “And I feel like I should add that I don’t remember you doing all the – uh, ravishing.”
Loki’s laugh was a reward in itself that left him feeling warm down to the core.
The pancakes were delicious. Loki even found some chocolate chips in a cupboard, so if they couldn’t have blueberry at least they could have chocolate chip. The enthusiasm with which Loki devoured several in short order was deeply satisfying – and reassuring, too, as it hadn’t escaped Steve that when Loki was upset frequently eating was the first thing to go.
Pancakes or not, though, he could still feel stupid nervousness prickling down his spine every time he thought about going outside, vague thoughts of being stranded, or trapped.
“I am curious,” Loki said, setting down his fork after licking it meticulously clean of syrup. “Winters in the city have not seemed to trouble you.”
“They did, the first couple years,” Steve said, after a moment. It was hard not to look down. Loki already knew this about him: knew Steve had his scars. They both did. “It got better. Out here…it’s different. Wilder. I’m a city boy; this feels like wilderness to me. And there’s no snow-plows here.”
Loki nodded slowly, gaze distant. “It snows on Asgard, though not often,” he said. “When I was very young, apparently I hated it. I would squall, even just being outside in cold weather. I would have been too young to remember being…left, I suppose.”
Steve blinked. “Left?”
Loki gave him a quick glance. “You did not know?” A series of expression passed across his face before he looked away: fear, disgust, shame. “I assumed Thor had told you. The All-Father found me abandoned on the ice. It seems I began life unwanted.”
Steve felt a pang and reached out, covering Loki’s hand resting on the table with his own. “You’re not unwanted now,” he said. Loki looked at him sidelong and then his lips quirked in a small smile.
“It would seem not,” he murmured. “But here I have become…maudlin.” He stood up, taking his dish and Steve’s. “You get dressed while I wash up,” he said. “We shall see if we can’t make an enjoyable time of it.”
Steve hadn’t brought much in the way of winterwear – he had a scarf, hat and gloves but his coat didn’t seem warm enough and he hadn’t brought waterproof shoes – which in hindsight had been very stupid. It might be unseasonably warm in New York but that didn’t mean it was everywhere.
Still, he put on what he had and went back to the kitchen to find Loki draping a heavy cloak lined with fur over the back of the couch – though when he saw Steve he picked it up again and held it out. “Not terribly fashionable on Midgard, it is true, but it will serve,” he said critically, but Steve shook his head as he took it, touching the rich fur – thick and soft, noting the deep green color.
“It’s beautiful,” he said honestly. “It’s yours?” Loki inclined his head, and Steve shrugged it on, running his fingers through the fur again. “What kind of animal is it from?”
“Ríkrbjørn,” Loki said. Steve looked at him blankly, and Loki added, “mountain bears from Vanaheim.”
“I wish I could see one alive,” Steve said, a little wistfully. Loki’s eyebrows twitched.
“You really do not,” he said. “They are the size of your Hulk and even meaner. Several Vanir die every year during the winters when they descend from the mountains to hunt.”
It still sounded magnificent to Steve, but he left it. “What are you going to wear?” He asked, looking at Loki, whose only concession to the snow seemed to be a scarf and a pair of boots that Steve had not seen before. Which… “I also…don’t have any shoes.”
Loki pointed at the door, where another pair like his were waiting. “I hope we have similar enough sizes that they will work, at least for long enough,” he said. “As for what I am going to wear…” Loki looked faintly uncomfortable, just for a moment. “I have never been very troubled by cold.”
Steve thought about saying something, but he wasn’t sure what he would say. “As long as you’ll be warm enough,” he decided on, and at least Loki relaxed – even if Steve knew it was the coward’s way out.
He put on the boots – which fit decently, if not perfectly, but he’d definitely worn worse – and took a deep breath before opening the door and stepping outside. The narrow porch was mostly clear, but past that…Steve could see the flatter track where the road would be, but otherwise almost everything was muffled under a thick layer of white, and everything seemed eerily silent. The air, when he inhaled, almost stung his nose, but Loki’s cloak wrapped around him kept the warmth in. He pulled his hat down over his ears and slipped on his gloves as well. Loki stepped up beside him and offered his arm with a little bow.
“Walk with me, Captain?” He said lightly. Steve couldn’t help a smile at the exaggerated gallantry.
“Of course,” he said, trying to sound gracious and noble. It might not have worked too well, but at least Loki huffed one of his quiet laughs, which was good enough.
They stepped off the porch. The crunch of snow under their feet sounded very loud in the quiet – that was different from snow in the city, too, where even the muffling of snowfall couldn’t silence all the sounds of New York. Steve’s heart started pounding but he focused on the woods, and the weight of Loki’s cloak on his shoulders, and the fact that he was still plenty warm. He pushed his shoulders down. “It has a kind of stark beauty,” he said, starting to walk, slowly.
“Mm. It does.”
“And the air tastes so clean,” Steve said. Loki hummed.
“Relative to the filth of that city, especially,” he said.
“Hey,” Steve protested, but he couldn’t exactly call Loki wrong. This was fine, he thought. Just fine. He took a step forward and yelped as he sunk deeper than expected into a snowdrift, snow spilling over the tops of his boots and soaking his pants. “Oh, great-”
“It will dry,” Loki said, and Steve huffed a sigh.
“I suppose.” He could already feel his socks getting wet, though. They kept walking; Steve heard a bird somewhere, just one, but looking around he couldn’t see it. He glanced sidelong at Loki, hesitating before taking the plunge. “Is this what Jotunheim looks like?”
“No,” Loki said. “There are no trees, only ice – and it was always dark when I was there.” He paused, eyebrows furrowing. “Though I suppose it is possible that is not always so, or that other parts of the realm look different. I do not know.” He glanced at Steve, one eyebrow raised. “Considering a visit?”
“Not alone,” Steve said. Loki scoffed, the sound a little brittle, and Steve could feel him pulling away even if he didn’t move.
“I can hardly go back, even if I wished to: I murdered their king and attacked their world, recall.” Steve tried not to wince, just squeezed Loki’s arm and let the subject drop.
“This isn’t so bad,” he said after a few moments. There was a whump somewhere in the distance, snow sliding off branches. He found a smile and added, “especially not with the company.” Loki’s lips quirked.
“Flatterer,” he murmured.
“For saying I enjoy your company? That’s just honest.”
Loki shook his head, but he seemed amused. “The cloak suffices?”
“More than.”
“Good.”
Steve’s right pants leg and his sock were wet, his toes starting to feel cold, but he didn’t want to give up yet. Sneaking a sidelong look at Loki, he cleared his throat and then stopped, trying to think through the best way to bring this up.
“What is it,” Loki asked. He didn’t sound wary, at least.
Steve took a deep breath – cold air almost stinging his nostrils – and let it out slowly. “I didn’t tell you everything about why Natasha suggested we come up here,” he said, not quite looking at Loki.
“I suspected not,” Loki said, to Steve’s surprise, but when Steve glanced at him he just shrugged with a crooked smile. “She was not wrong about it being a good idea for you. I decided that any other reasons were less important.”
Steve almost wanted to wince, but he just sighed. “It wasn’t just about me. She thought it might also be a good idea for you.”
Loki’s expression didn’t change, exactly, but Steve could see the way he tensed, his head turning to scan the trees. “I see,” he said after a moment. Not as bad as Steve had feared.
“Ever since what happened with Ultron,” he said carefully, “You’ve been tense. Nervous. I noticed it too.”
Loki shook his head. “It has nothing to do with Ultron.”
“I know,” Steve said. “It’s about-” Loki gave him a sharp look and Steve managed to correct himself. “-this Titan, and these Infinity Stones.” Loki said nothing, and Steve faltered a little. “I know you act like you don’t want to talk about it-”
“About what,” Loki said, voice a little too bland. Steve fought the urge to sigh again.
“About whatever he did to you,” he said. “Or – what you’re afraid he might do. But…”
“But you hoped that a few days of sex and relaxation would change my mind?” Loki’s voice was dry, and Steve couldn’t tell if it was displeasure or not. There was a nervous flutter in his chest, but then Loki shook his head, and his voice was softer. “There is truly very little to say. I am sure Thor told you enough.”
“It’s not about me knowing,” Steve said. “It’s about you saying. It’s…” He trailed off. “It just…helps sometimes. Sharing things. It means you don’t have to carry them alone.” Loki didn’t look at him, but Steve reached for his hand and squeezed it. “I’m not saying you have to.”
“Perhaps I should simply hide it better,” Loki said. He didn’t sound like he was joking, and Steve felt a pang.
“No,” he said quickly. “That’s – not the point at all. I wasn’t telling you that Natasha noticed because I think it’s a problem.”
“She does, I suspect,” Loki said.
“I don’t think that’s it,” Steve objected, even though as he said it he realized that it was possible that it was. “I just wanted you to…I don’t know. Know that your hurt isn’t invisible.” Loki twitched, slightly, and Steve gave his hand a squeeze. “Thor said it didn’t seem like you thought we could win.”
Something flared in Loki’s eyes, brief and indefinable. “I will not allow you to lose.” Something about the steel in his voice made Steve vaguely nervous, but he couldn’t pin down what.
“You won’t,” he said, trying to joke, but Loki just nodded, apparently confirming. Steve eyed him.
“This…being….”
“You are right,” Loki said suddenly, not quite interrupting. “He does frighten me. Terrifies me. I am so tired of fear.” Steve made himself stay quiet, listening. “I do not want – I have more to lose, now. And that makes it worse. The Titan, he – excels at stripping things away, until there is nothing left but what he gives you. I thought, then, I had nothing to lose, and I was wrong. Now, when I know what I could lose…” Loki licked his lips. “You are a worthy opponent. I am a failed pawn. With him, the former is an infinitely better position to occupy.”
Steve gave Loki’s hand a squeeze, but he seemed to be finished. “You’re not anybody’s pawn, Loki. Not anymore.”
A very slight shudder ran through Loki, quivering quickly through him, there and then gone. “I cannot trust that that is true. All of you…all of you are skilled, and strong. But none of you know what is coming for you. I have to be ready, be watching…”
“Loki,” Steve said gently, “based on what you’ve said about this guy…I don’t think he’s going to want to sneak up on us. He’s coming for a fight. We’ll see him coming, if only because he wants us to.” Steve paused, and then added, “it’s not all on you. We have a team for a reason.”
“I do not do teams very well,” Loki said, a touch of self-deprecation in his voice.
“Maybe you just haven’t had a good one,” Steve said. Loki just looked at him for a moment, and then something seemed to slide out of his expression. It left him looking less…hard, but also more tired.
“Perhaps not,” he said at length. “You know…it is hard. For me to trust.”
“You trust me, don’t you?” Steve said.
“I do,” Loki said, though he sounded a little like the thought troubled him. Steve tried not to let that hurt, and squeezed Loki’s hand again.
“That’s somewhere to start, isn’t it?”
“More than,” Loki said softly, and he sounded like he meant it. “Sometimes…I suppose I need the reminder.”
“Then I’ll keep reminding you,” Steve said. “As long as I need to.”
Loki paused, and Steve turned to face him. Loki pulled his hand free but only to cup Steve’s face, the touch of his fingers little icy points on his skin – but not the kind of cold that made Steve want to pull away. “You are beloved of me,” he said, something…heavy, somehow, in the words. “You know that, yes?”
“Of course I do,” Steve said slowly. “I don’t doubt it.”
“Good,” Loki said almost fervently. “I would not ask you to trust me-”
“But I do,” Steve interrupted. “You know that. Or you should.” Something strange crossed Loki’s eyes, but he didn’t disagree.
“Does it ever frighten you?” He asked. “That you have…placed so much hope on me? Are you never afraid I will fail you?”
No, Steve thought. I worry more that you’d do too much for me, and not enough for yourself. Aloud, he just said, “no,” as solidly as he could. Loki’s shoulders slumped and his head bowed for a moment in what Steve thought for a fearful second was disappointment, but then he caught the faint smile on his lips: relieved.
“I can only strive to be worthy of your faith,” Loki said after a moment.
“You are,” Steve said, wrapping his hands around Loki’s wrists and squeezing.
“I love you,” Loki said. That little hitch and stutter wasn’t there anymore when he said it, but it still made Steve feel giddy, hearing the words; made him want to grin like a dope. He settled for kissing Loki: kissing Loki in the snow, and thinking this is what I’ll try to remember instead of the fear.
Loki’s cold fingertips on his face, fur on Steve’s neck, the softness of Loki’s lips.
This memory, right here.
The fire was crackling in the stove, Steve’s belly full of hot chocolate and his lap full of Loki, who seemed to be half dozing with his hands under Steve’s shirt, long since warmed to his body temperature. One of the blankets from the closet was draped over them both. Steve didn’t remember the last time he’d felt so cozy.
Was this what it took to get them both…at peace? Away from everyone and everything, just the two of them in a little bubble of a world? Tomorrow they’d have to go back, and Steve was afraid they’d lose this, lose everything. Loki would pull back into himself, and Steve would have to go back to being everybody’s hero, and…
“Stop thinking,” Loki mumbled suddenly. Steve blinked.
“I’m not,” he denied pointlessly.
“Yes you are,” Loki said. He shifted on Steve’s lap. “I can almost hear you. Fretting away.”
“And you never worry,” Steve said pointedly.
“I am not worrying now.” Loki kissed Steve’s neck, the press of his lips soft and lingering. “At least, mostly not.”
Steve made a face. “How can I just-” He cut off, sucking in a breath when Loki nipped him, letting it out in a whoosh when Loki flicked his tongue lightly against the spot. “Is this you getting me to stop thinking?”
“Is it working?” There was something faintly playful in Loki’s voice, his body shifting again.
“Mm. Not sure.” Steve shifted a little, and Loki pressed his nose into his neck. Steve couldn’t help moving his head to the side, and Loki’s lips brushed his pulse point, trailing down until he sucked at the side of Steve’s neck. Steve arched with a little gasp, his hands clamping on Loki’s waist. He heard Loki make a low, satisfied sort of hum that made Steve’s body feel hot. “It’s definitely – distracting.”
“I’ll take ‘distracting,’” Loki murmured. His hands on Steve’s stomach inched further up. Steve, on an impulse, wrapped his arms around Loki’s waist and pulled him down so they were horizontal on the couch. Loki sprawled over him with a little huff of surprise that turned into a harsh exhale as Steve moved his leg, pressing his thigh up against Loki’s groin. His hips rocked into it and Steve felt himself stir – a response that only intensified when Loki kissed him, fierce and deep, tongue teasing Steve’s lips apart and stroking into Steve’s mouth.
“Okay,” he said a little breathlessly, when Loki broke away. “I don’t think I’m fretting anymore.”
Loki’s chuckle was low and rich, the sound pooling in Steve’s belly, his eyes glittering. “Already? So I can stop, then.”
“Are you gonna?”
“No.” Loki smirked, and dropped his head back down. He pushed Steve’s shirt down his shoulder, sucking marks into the skin that made Steve gasp and twitch, erection starting to push against the zipper of his pants. Determined not to be outdone, he tensed his thigh and ground it upward, rewarded with the stutter of Loki’s breathing and a jerk of his body – almost as good as the heat against his leg. Loki’s hand snuck between them and he ran a finger along the zipper of Steve’s pants, making him shudder. “It’s always flattering feeling how much you desire me,” Loki murmured.
“Who wouldn’t,” Steve said, not quite a gasp. He felt a small shiver go through Loki and couldn’t resist pushing. “Someone’d have to be crazy not to see how beautiful you – hmmm.” He broke off as Loki cupped him, palm pushing down just enough to make Steve want to squeeze his eyes closed except that Loki was looking at him and he didn’t want to miss the intense, hungry expression on his face.
“They should call you Silvertongue,” Loki murmured, and then pulled his hand away. Steve made an involuntary noise of protest, and flushed. “Patience,” Loki said, lips twitching toward a smile. He took the hem of Steve’s shirt, pulling it up. Steve lifted his torso, trying to help Loki peel it off. Loki dropped it on the floor, followed by his own shirt, and Steve took a moment just to look at him and watch sleek, lean muscle moving under his skin.
Then Loki stretched out over him again, hand moving down Steve’s stomach, tracing the faint trail of blond hair, fingers sliding into the waistband of his khakis. Steve closed his eyes and let out a quiet moan. Loki kissed his jawline, hips rocking ever so slightly against Steve’s leg still nestled against Loki’s erection.
“Do you want me to touch you?” Loki asked, not quite playful.
“Yes,” Steve said urgently. “Yes, please.”
Loki didn’t ask for more, unbuttoning Steve’s pants one-handed and drawing down the zipper, slipping his hand down the front of his briefs, dragging his fingers through the wiry curls of hair.
“Oh,” Steve heard himself say, hips lifting toward Loki’s hand. “Oh…” He heard Loki echo the sound in his throat, his hips grinding down harder into Steve’s thigh. Loki’s fingers brushed his cock and their coolness felt like exquisite relief even as the light touch had Steve biting his lower lip so he didn’t whine.
“Gorgeous,” Loki murmured, voice low and thick. “The expressions you make when I touch you are the stuff of fantasy.”
Steve dropped his head back and took a sharp breath in through his mouth. “Keep talking like that,” he said, “could – could turn a guy’s head.”
“Good.” Loki’s fingers danced up the shaft of Steve’s cock and he didn’t bite down on a moan fast enough. Loki paused. “You know you do not have to try to keep quiet. No one is going to hear you but me. And I do like to hear you.”
Steve squeezed his eyes tight shut and when Loki’s fingers pushed further down, stroking over his balls, he pushed down the instinct to clamp his teeth shut. The sound he made seemed embarrassingly loud, but he felt Loki shudder, head dropping to suck on Steve’s neck. “Good,” he murmured, and then both his hands were at Steve’s waistband, pushing both pants and underwear down his hips. Steve squirmed and kicked, trying to help.
Loki dropped his clothes to the ground and then sat up with one last nip at Steve’s neck, eyes scanning over him in a way that made Steve flush. When he stood, Steve felt the loss of his weight keenly enough that he let out a small sound of protest.
“Just a moment,” Loki said, looking amused, stripping off his pants in quick movements. Steve let himself reach down and take himself in hand, keeping his strokes loose and his eyes on Loki. By the way Loki’s lips parted and his eyes darkened, he approved.
“C’mere,” Steve said, his voice a little blurry. Loki came, climbing back over Steve and stretching out over him, replacing Steve’s hand with his own, naked body pressed all along Steve’s, erection pressing into his leg. Steve moaned as Loki stroked him, base to tip, thumb rubbing over the slit, rubbing wet circles that sent jolts up into Steve’s belly and made his hips buck. The moan broke off into a breathless yelp as Loki bit down on his shoulder, the sharpness seeming to connect a circuit that made his whole body hum. “That’s – that was good,” he said breathlessly.
“Oh?” Loki said. His voice sounded rough and husky, and Steve could feel the little undulations of his body, a damp smear on his leg where Loki’s cock was leaking.
“Yeah,” Steve said, no longer feeling self-conscious. He wrapped one arm around Loki’s back, sliding his hand down to dig his fingers into the muscle of Loki’s ass and pulling his body harder against Steve’s. Loki let out a low groan and his mouth paused, breathing in harsh little exhalations on Steve’s skin. Daring a little further, Steve let his fingers push between Loki’s buttocks, pressing a knuckle into the smooth skin behind his balls, and felt a pulse of victorious pleasure as Loki’s body tensed and surged with a sharp cry. “Good?” Steve said breathlessly.
“Oh yes,” Loki said, and the flush of pride went through Steve’s whole body. Loki was moving over him, though, one of his hands gripping Steve’s thigh and urging it out, raising his body above Steve’s and lining up their hips. One of his hands planted on the couch next to Steve’s head, the other changing its grip on Steve’s cock to grip them together.
Loki shuddered and Steve felt his whole body go taut, fingers not still rubbing against Loki flying up to grip his shoulder like he needed something to hold on to – like he could go anywhere. He groaned loudly, thighs falling open almost unconsciously. His eyes slammed closed, which only rendered him more exquisitely aware of the feeling of Loki’s cock against his, the pressure of his lover’s hand holding them together.
“Loki,” he said, voice stuttering a little. “Hm, hnnn-”
“Good,” Loki said thickly. “That’s good, yes, feeling you against me.” Loki released them and Steve keened, opening his eyes only to see Loki lick his hand palm to fingers before gripping them again, stroking once with a deft flick of his wrist, rubbing his thumb over the head of Steve’s cock and then pressing at the bundle of nerves underneath, making Steve squirm and gasp. He released Loki’s shoulder only to move his other hand down to Loki’s hips as well, letting his fingers dig in, almost kneading. Loki’s hips jerked and he made a faint sound, like a sharp gasp.
“Do you want me to, to,” Steve tried to ask, but he cut off when Loki nipped at his throat.
“Just feel,” he said. “Just…” He stroked again, hand picking up lubrication from what both of them had leaked, fingertips dancing over the veins of Steve’s cock and then twisting to offer the smooth surface of Loki’s palm. “Looking at you,” Loki said, words interspersed with his mouth leaving sweet, aching marks on Steve’s skin, “and knowing that you are mine – is the most intoxicating thing.” His tongue flicked at Steve’s throat in a way that echoed down in Steve’s loins. “And I am yours. Utterly and completely-”
Steve surged up and caught Loki’s mouth in his even as his hips bucked up into Loki’s hand, working him masterfully, working them both. He could feel Loki shudder on every downstroke, feel his own trembling. He sucked Loki’s lower lip into his mouth and felt him moan, or maybe Steve did. His pulse was pounding down in his stomach and he couldn’t stop moving his hips in shallow thrusts. Everything seemed to fade into the background except for Loki’s mouth on his, Loki’s body moving against him, Loki’s hand pumping shorter, rougher strokes, Loki Loki Loki-
Steve dropped his head back and came with a shout he didn’t try to muffle, what felt like pulse after pulse of semen spilling on them both, waves of pleasure rolling through him.
Steve forced his eyes open and saw Loki, above him, his mouth open and breathing in sharp little pants, need written in every line of his body. He had enough energy left, still riding high on the afterglow, to push Loki’s hand gently away and replace it with his own. His strokes felt clumsy and uncoordinated but apparently it was good enough; Loki came into his hand with a sharp cry of his own, head tossed back and free hand flexing on Steve’s chest, hips pumping in stuttering thrusts through his orgasm.
Loki slumped over him. He looked like he was smiling; it was hard for Steve to focus. His mouth felt dry. Probably he should get some water.
He wrapped his arms around Loki’s shoulder and pulled him back down, nuzzling into his shoulder as his breathing slowed.
“Did good,” he mumbled.
“Oh?” Loki sounded breathless.
“Not thinking anymore,” Steve said. Loki huffed into Steve’s chest.
“Well,” he said. “I should hope not.”
Steve mumbled something that might or might not have been coherent. Tomorrow could wait for tomorrow. Right now…
He fumbled for a blanket and found the one that had ended up on the floor. Clumsily, he dragged it up over them both, eyelids suddenly very heavy. “Love you,” he murmured. “Thank you. For taking care of me.”
“Is that what I did?” Loki sounded like he was joking. Steve didn’t smile.
“It’s what you do,” he said
“I try,” Loki said at length.
“You do,” Steve insisted sleepily. He pressed his nose into Loki’s neck. He smelled good: something uniquely Loki that Steve had started to think of as home. “You do.”
Maybe they had to go back tomorrow. Almost certainly there would be problems to face when they got there. But that didn’t make…this…go away. It didn’t make the memories disappear or the good stuff vanish.
That was still his. Still theirs. And it couldn’t be taken away.