Chapter Text
“I’ll call you again on saturday at the base, okay? I gotta go now.”
Phupha nods and smiles at the display which doesn't even show Tian’s face anymore. Instead he sees his legs wander around in his room, while he prepares for leaving his dorm. When he realized that he won’t see him nodding he added a little: “Yeah. I’ll be there around 6 Pm. Or is that too early for you on a Saturday to get up?”
“No, it is fine. I should study anyway so it shouldn’t be a problem to get up at 7.”, Tian nearly shouted now, sounding very far away and Phupha couldn’t help to feel bittersweet about the fact that he knew immediately what time it is in New York if its 6 Pm in Chiang Mai.
“Okay… I’m looking forward to it.”, Phupha said and after taking a careful look around him, to make sure that nobody is watching or hearing him being cheesy, added a little: “Because I miss you already.”
As if his words magically summoned his boyfriend, Tian's face appeared on his screen again. The wide smile made his heart flutter. He missed him for real. What would Phupha pay to just have him actually by his side. The States sucked. Phupha’s Job sucked. This whole situation just…
“I miss you too, chief.”, Tian told him now. His voice was so soft, it tears him apart. The little kiss he threw at him would have felt embarrassing in every other situation but was what he needed right now. The other rangers don’t need to know about this. No one does. It was for him. And for Tian. And it was okay to be lovey dovey once in a while, when you haven't seen each other in months, right?
“Okay, I’m off for now. I’ll already be late for my course.”, the soft voice flooded his mind now and the way they waved at each other with a little “I love you.”, before the display turned dark was something that he wouldn’t have expected to feel so normal at any point in his life.
These are just little things they share. A quick postcard sometimes, a not very long call until the connection broke down and sometimes when he happened to be in the city a little stolen glimpse via facetime, just like now. Just enough to not get totally crazy about not having his freshly boyfriend near, when he was thousands of kilometers away in reality. Phupha knew that a long-distance-relationship would be hard, but he wished someone would have told him how much it actually would cost for his sanity. Because this was suffering at its purest. He wished he could have at least kissed Tian at the airport the day he left. At least hugged him longer or… like… drag him into a bathroom stall to do what he was aiming to do, since the day he happened to watch his body very intensely on the first day, they were at the waterfall.
But he didn’t. And now he has to deal with whatever this is. With lousy five minutes of Tian’s voice telling him that he loves him and misses him and blue balls whenever Tian is about to say something that’s over PG 13 - what also is happening very rarely since there are very few occasions they are in a place solitude enough to…well perform accordingly. Not to mention, that they were not able to try something like phonesex yet. How even. The Internet connection was not stable here and even if it was.... Phupha didn't consider jerking off in public very much.
It was bad. And when he looked at the locked screen now, it felt even worse. Phupha let out a deep sigh and drank the last sip of his coffee. The internet cafe he was in would close in a few minutes. It's nearly midnight here, while TIan is over there, listening to some kind of prissy intellectuals talking about whoever and whatever. Like, Phupha got it. Education was important. But at the moment, he couldn’t stop thinking about his boy in america, surrounded by people who are more like him. Intelligent and young and full of opportunities. Future lawyers, teachers, doctors and journalists; diplomats and politicians. People who are telling people like him what to do and how to do it. People that aren’t pressed in the corset of the government in Thailand. And who knows, yeah who knows for real, if he would come back after all, when he finished school there. People pay thousands of baht and dollar to move there…why should Tian come back, when there are so many ways to fulfill himself. And no, Phupha didn’t even have the right to be angry or sad or even a little bit bitter about this. He wanted the best for the younger. And the best was that, nonetheless, they swore to each other that day, with this little kiss on the forehead of the other one. Tian would be fine. Wherever he was, he would be fine. Maybe he would find a boyfriend over there. It wasn’t impossible right? Someone who could warm his bed, because Phupha couldn’t and yes… the mere thought broke his heart into pieces and made him freaking angry at the same time… but those thoughts were nothing different than that: Imaginations. Demons he had to fight with as soon as the calls, the videos gone dark and the letters ended. But it was fine. It had to be fine. And so Phupha went back to his Motorcycle. It took quite some time to come back to the base, but he got used to it. People can get used to many things… but the feeling of missing someone? This was something that was very difficult to turn into a secondary habit.
***
Tian was tired. Sure, he said that 7 am was a reasonable time and actually it was of course. He knew that Phupha had to get up even sooner and that he had most likely already walked many kilometers, but it didn’t change something about the yawns he felt like suppressing, while he waited for the call. Yesterday it got late. Sure he should have studied but it felt kind of good to be a little bit like before he had his heart surgery. No he didn’t party as hard as he did before, he didn’t drink as much and he actually behaved, to use Phuphas words for it, but he also didn’t want to get his social life to suffer, because of this.
And “this” means many things in this case. It meant this relationship between him and Phupha contained not much else than short calls and loving gazes. It meant constant feeling of emptiness and loneliness because everything over here was different and even though Tian was indeed a social butterfly and able to find himself a place and good social life nearly everywhere - and yes how much did he just prove that int those hills in Chiang Mai - it doesn’t change anything about the fact that sometimes, he still just sits in his dorm room and waits. Waited for a call, that Phupha promised and which he never missed, but felt like a too small patch for a gaping gash, which slowly, slowly bleeds him dry. It was dramatic, sure. He knew, that he was way more dramatic than he had to be about it. A long-distance-relationship was not the end of the world. But a long-distance-relationship with someone on the literally almost other side of the world, miles over miles away, somewhere in a place, where he couldn’t just text him whenever he misses him, in a job where it is not sure, if he will actually come back from everyday work, while he was still in another continent without any close friends, he could talk to face to face yet…. well all of this together pretty, fucking much felt very much a like what it must feel like to see the world ends.
With a long sigh Tian let himself fall on his back, looking at his phone above his face, turned loud and waiting for Phupha to pick up, while the constant “duuuuuum-duuuuum” of the dial tone almost lulled him back to sleep. His eyelids felt heavy, when he looked at the time on his phone. Phupha nearly ever comes late but today he did. It’s already 7 past 7. Nothing serious, but serious enough to make him worry for a short amount of time. Dumb. But nonetheless, because there is always an opportunity for the “what if…”
The “what if” he isnt alive because something fucked up happend in those woods with some crazy mafiaguys.
The “what if” he isn’t interested anymore because he realized that he is not willing to wait all this years for him.
The “what if” he still just want this promotion from Tians father.
The “what if” this all is way less serious than he thought it would be.
Tian swallowed. Swallowed down fears and insecurities while he pierced the black screen with his gaze. Phupha must feel the same. He couldn’t imagine, that he didn’t. Sure, they both pretended everything was fine, when they were talking because none of them wanted to waste their time on sad conversations like that and preferred to sweet talk to each other on every occasion possible, since it was way more comforting in the very moment they were chatting, but Tian wasn’t able to unsee that there was a hollow feeling after that.
Another “duuuum-duuum” filled the room. He was about to hang up resigned, when finally he heard Phuphas voice.
“I’m sorry!”, he greeted. “I just came home!”
“It is fine.”, Tian answered softly, before he lied: “It is not like I’ve been worried or anything.”
“That’s good.”, the chief answered. Tian didn’t see his smile, but he heard it. Then he started to ask him the usual things. If he slept well, what he will do today, what his assignments for Uni are. And Tian answered and asked back. Their typical talk. Nothing more. Nothing less. Surprisingly Tian isn’t annoyed because of it or even bored. He worships those little talks - as unimportant the topics may seem. But when they talked the insecurities were so far away. And even though those talks are just some kind of symptom treatment it helped at least a little and made him happy and forget all those other darker thoughts. It were just a few minutes. But they were the best minutes of the day.
“Wait a minute, don’t hang up yet. I just need to get out of my clothes already”, said the chief at some point. And of course. Tian KNEW what he meant. He wanted to get out of the uniform, since he now was out of service for today, but in his head something totally different formed. And holy shit, there was something else than his heart hurting too. His gaze wanders down to his crotch. God… long distance relationships really, REALLY sucked. He waited though. Did nothing and just waited for Phupha to come back to the call while he was debating for himself how improperate it was to ask something dirty, as soon he would get to the phone again. Sometimes he did. And it was fun. But ended the same all the time, because the Chief was way too strict to dirty talk at the base. Or in an internet cafe. Or anywhere else they could talk. And so they didn’t. And he ended up jerking off alone.
Great. Not.
“Sorry Tian.”, he heard when Phupha came back. “I just needed to get out of those pants really bad.”
“Hmmm I wish I could have seen you while you were getting out of them.”, Tian answered. Automatically. He couldn’t do anything against it. His imagination went wild. He knew how Phupha looked down there. He saw it on several occasions. And this knowledge didn’t make anything easier. With a small moan he adjusted the center of his body in his pants. He felt that he got hard a little bit. Of course he was.
“Tian.”, the other said, alarmed. “You can’t just say that here.”, he kept scolding and Tian sighed.
“But why?!”, he asked, even though he knew the answer. “I want you so bad, Chief. I have wanted you since the first day I arrived in the village. I have wanted you at the waterfall and when we slept next to each other the first time and in the shower and….”, he stopped since he sighed again, recognizing that somehow he started to rub over his clothed groin. And shit, his voice shivered. No way that Phupha couldn’t hear that. But that was fine. Shall he hear it. Shall he hear his desire and his wish to be near him in that way.
“Tian.”, he said again. Now not in the same pitch anymore. He sounded different. Almost suffering and not in his judgemental voice anymore. Maybe a little bit raspy, when he continued unbelievably low and quietly. “Okay… I can’t answer that right here.”
Oh. That was new.
“But you want me to keep talking?”, Tian therefore asked, encouraged in some way. Almost hungry he licked his lower lip, when he continued. “Right? You want to hear how much I miss you over here and what I am doing, when I do. What I am doing right now, am I right? Because you can hear, that the thought of you taking off your clothes alone makes me-”
“Stop.”
Phuphas voice made him quiet in a second. He went silent. And with his silence he stopped his movements, just recognizing that he somehow started to stroke himself for real now. When did his hand wander inside his pants? When did he even open the zip? To stop himself from actually jerking off, hurts physically.
“Did you stop?”, he asked.
Tian nodded. Not realizing that Phupha couldn’t see that at first, before he whispered a little: “Yes I did.” Suffering. God he hated this.
“Good.”, Phupha said, taking a deep audible breath. “Okay hear me out… I’ll be in Bangkok next week. A big meeting for people who work in your father's department and I was asked to go as a representative for our unit.”
Wow…. great. Nothing was as much of a turn-off as the mention of his father. “Okay?”, Tian therefore asked, almost sounding a little bit disappointed. At least his dick isn’t asking for so much attention anymore. If that wasn't a win somehow.
“At first I didn’t want to go.”, Phupha continued. “But… they’ll pay for a hotel room. Single bedroom. With Wi-Fi, you know.”
Phupha was almost whispering now. Tian would have had problems understanding him, if he wouldn’t listen so closely because… what his boyfriend said began to make sense in his mind. A single room. With Wi-Fi. Without a whole bunch of other people around him to listen. Tian's heart began to race.
“When exactly?”, Tian asked now. His voice was so thin now, almost noiseless.
“Saturday to Sunday. Are you free?”, he answered. And Tian could hear that he was excited too.
“Get yourself a webcam, Chief.”, Tian just answered. And he needs to cancel his plans for next weekend too.