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“I love you but that is not me - that is definitely not you , not when we have a choice..”
Q sat and stared in silence as those words imprinted across his heart - he knew these years together did mean something to Eliot yet it was a fail safe for the taller man ; a safety net for him felt like knives to Q.
“Oh - okay..” He mumbled , taking his focus back onto the letter in his hands while the mixture of emotions swirled like a finely mixed cocktail. Quentin felt the sinking feeling in his gut as well as pockets of emotions from years passed linger for too long for his liking. He nibbled at his lip before giving a questionable glance toward Eliot –
Of course he couldnt look back ; for once within the years of knowing the taller man - he wasn’t looking his way for once. Q felt oddly disgusted in even thinking he had a chance , like the time in the mosaic timeline was a scene play that his dumb mind created to pass the time.
“Why not–?” He forced out – his chest was heavy - eyes blankly looking outward.
“Q—-”
“No you don't get it do you” Quentin almost barked ; nerve endings on end as never would have thought he would stand up for himself – he would never stand up for his feelings yet now more than ever he felt like he needed to. “I am not one of your many play things , I thought for once you of all fucking people would understand..”
Q gave a short shaky breath and he carefully placed the letter away within his trousers pocket. He stood up and made eye contact with Eliot - noticing emotion that laid heavily upon his face ; it sting painfully.
“Q maybe we should talk about this some other time” The brunette said and Q snapped back.
“No we have danced around this for years and I know once we leave this room – we will never get back to this topic” He spat and glared at him for a second before moving to pace around the room – it hurt to look at the fucker - fuck his life.
“Come on El..” The dirty blonde’s voice shook in anger or sorrow - he didn't know. “That timeline is a blur - like looking through a kaleidoscope , nothing is straightforward yet...can’t you feel the familiarity of us – the days we would work under the summer sun and drinking by moonlight , side by side..”
“All that for nothing – really” Q mumbled sorrowfully. “I know you're protecting yourself – good for you” He said with spite in his voice - like venom.
“Quentin.” Eliot raised his voice , allowing Q’s hazel eyes linger toward him again – noticing how much suffering sat there. “We aren’t thinking clearly – we aren’t in some kind of romance movie ; we have too much to take into account”
“Too much to take into account – yet you knew someone for like a week and admitted to Margo that he – that fucker was your boyfriend.” He strained out the words - he has no place to talk about Mike ; he didn't know him other than the drips of information that came from his other friends. “Why him...why not me..”
The last word was weaker than the other - his lip trembled before he shoved his palm against his face as if that would stop him from breaking down.
“Q – don’t”
“Don’t – don’t what…be hurt , be heartbroken or be emotional - heck I even think I’m fucking crazy again”
Quentin let the words linger there - still nothing , probably a step too far ; he didn't mean it , his brain and heart weren't working together for once. “Listen – this obviously doesnt matter so just let me be like this than we go back to like nothing fucking happened..”
He moved his hands away from his face and just went back to staring back at his feet. “I-I just thought I finally had everything I ever wanted – magic , Fillory …—” you
Eliot felt his heart become tight but his face never changed – years of performing helped him this moment. He knew Q had every right to bring up his fuck ups as much as the feelings that stewed between them yet he couldn’t – his heart couldn’t admit there was something more – he was worst than scared..so fearful.
“Life will continue Quentin – I will always be here for you”
Quentin knew those words were meant to be comforting but it felt like second place , he wanted more so much more but he had to put up with being completely friend zoned. “Yeah it will,” Q commented quietly.
“You will move on and I have Alice..” Quentin dropped the name to hopefully bring some jealousy from Eliot but still nothing - he may as well be talking to a statue. “Or I may just stay alone– I deserve it anyway , love is a distraction to us and to our quest”
Quentin had stepped back his normal self somewhat – right he had something more important to focus on and Eliot had a kingdom to run , two different lives.
“Just know – I never regretted anything” Q commented with a faint smile before he traced his lower lip while being in deep thought. “ I will treasure those memories like they did happen even if you don't want to accept them..” The smaller nerd could remember something like a kiss yet the feeling was like trying to look through broken glass – the feeling was there was no image ; god to feel the warmth on the back of his neck once again , to be cradled. “I think..--”
I think I would always love you..
“We will be fine El…just let this run its course..” Q spoke tenderly those words once again as he came back to reality and finally was able to look at Eliot – that handsome motherfucker ; so pretty.
Quentin hoped he hadn't hurt Eliot too much , he wouldn't ever bring up his past again and knew from now onwards this was their future -- friends ; friends with long distant looks and tender touches that didn't mean anything -- love that never got a chance to truly bloom ; it died slowly and cruelly.
Maybe in another life time cupid would be nicer to them.
Just maybe.