Chapter Text
It’s not that Damian didn’t want to live. It’s not that he wanted to kill himself. But he had been living in a constant gray feeling that if he just stepped a little closer to the street where the cars were passing at full speed and one of them hit him-
Well he wouldn’t do anything to avoid it. He would take it gladly. But just like any other day, he didn’t do it. Maybe tomorrow, maybe not a car but a smart enough villain, or just a lucky one. Maybe a bad grip with his line, or a gas leak, or an accidental fall because he leaned too close to the border.
Maybe another day would be his day.
This wasn't a new feeling, for as long as he could remember, Damian’s life had always been like that, he was either apathetic to the thought of death, or he had this anxious feeling all the time about going back to that place.
It didn’t seem like the rest of the people were ever in those borders, maybe the normal thing was to be somewhere in the middle. But Damian had no idea about other people’s feelings and thoughts. Only his.
Maybe if he was able to read minds he would feel different. Maybe he would realize that everyone felt the same and he just didn’t know how to manage it.
No. That would only make him feel worse. Emptier.
He continued walking as he glanced multiple times at the street, to the cars. To all the possible deaths he could encounter that day. Damian would occasionally look to the people walking. Almost everyone with company. Couples, friends, groups, family…
And Damian was alone. Which had never been rare.
At some point he forgot why he was walking. He looked to his right, he was near Wayne Tower. He could recognize the ramen place that was only a couple of blocks away from his father’s and brother’s workplace.
Damian crossed the street without checking the sides.
No car hit him, this time at least.
The teenager stood in front of the ramen’s window, not being able to decide if he wanted to go inside or not. He had already eaten today. But he had noticed that recently food was his only companion, inside or outside the manor. He was alone? He would grab something from the kitchen. Bored? He could cook something. Cold? Maybe some food could warm him up.
And Damian was cold most of the time. How he hated winter.
Without noticing what his body was doing he opened the door and asked for a table for one.
One. Alone. No company.
The menu was brought to him. He noticed that besides ramen there were a lot of other options from different Asian cuisines. He knew some of them, but not all of the ingredients. For a moment Damian wished that his mother had not been so meticulous with his genetic perfection so he had some allergies and could order something without asking which ingredients it contained and just let fate decide.
He could always hope he would find an allergy someday. Or choke on something. That was always an option.
If another person was hearing his thoughts they would be scared for Damian’s life. But like he said before. He didn’t want to actively kill himself. Just, die.
Well sometimes he did want to kill himself, but he had never done it or actually harmed himself, just the occasional biting his hand, or not moving fast enough to avoid a hit on purpose.
“What would you like to order today?”
Ah. He had distracted himself once again.
Damian looked again at the menu, the letters weren’t blurry, but he couldn’t retain the information of what he was reading.
He just said the first thing he could read and said that he was a vegetarian so no meat. The waiter quickly wrote down everything and left for the kitchen. Damian was left alone once again.
The restaurant was almost empty as it was not a regular meal hour. Only a couple of other customers, with some of them already been served. Damian really did not want to be left again alone with his thoughts so he started to make some deductions for fun.
A young lady, alone as well, she seemed to enjoy a book, in Spanish. He could recognize the cover, but he had not read the book. She was waiting for someone, judging by how every couple of paragraphs she would look up and around the room.
This proved to seem correct as a young man around her age arrived and went directly to her table as soon as they noticed each other. She put her book down and stood up.
He had brought flowers with him. Cliche, but the girl seemed to appreciate them. She greeted him with a kiss.
They seemed happy, and comfortable with each other's company. Damian wondered what it must feel like. He had never been in a relationship. Probably wouldn’t last. He had been told that he was a quite difficult person to put up with.
This made his heart ache.
“Here is your order” The same waiter that had come before brought a bowl of noodles with multiple vegetables on it. Asked if anything else was needed and Damian only shook his head lightly before he returned to the kitchen.
Damian moved his view to another table. A family. An old man with what appeared to be his son and grandsons. They looked happy. The lousiest table in the place by far. Talking and laughing and a little bickering between brothers.
Damian also wondered why he couldn’t have that. He couldn’t remember the last time he had sat with his family to just have a meal. To just laugh and talk about trivialities. He didn’t know if he could imagine such a thing.
A memory came to his mind, how sick talked about when he was younger, and the daily things his father and his brother would do. He knew Jason and Timothy had the same memories of his father, even if they hadn’t talked to Damian about this.
But Damian never had one of those moments of normalcy.
He looked down to the table. His noodles were getting cold. He started to eat them, trying to focus his brain on the food so it wouldn’t wander off again.
Eating by himself made him feel exposed. Alone. In a public place that was made for socializing, Damian had ordered a table for one. He could have said two, then pretended like the other one was taking too long and he would just start eating. At least people would think he had made plans with someone to come here, even if that someone had ditched him. Better than showing that he was alone, lonely. Well, thinking it over, he wasn’t sure which option was less embarrassing.
As he finished the last noodle he made a sign for the waiter to bring the check to the table. He didn’t double-check it before leaving a $100 bill, the rest the waiter could take home.
He put his headphones on and turned on the music as he opened the door.
He was looking through the playlist as he decided to go to WE and lose some time there.
He was clicking on one of the songs from his playlists when a screeching noise made him look to his left.
He didn’t do anything to avoid the car hitting him.
If he survived or not, that was up to fate to decide.