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Look outside through the window, the sun appears timidly on the streets, the birds announce with their morning song the beginning of a new day. The first people begin their daily journey, their coat on them and briefcase in hand. There is life...Life continues. The world turns even if you are not there. If your heart is in pieces, the rest of the planet does not stop so that one can put the pieces together and heal it.
The minutes are ticking. The clock is ticking. I keep looking even though I don't see anything anymore. I don't feel anything anymore. Lie. Pure nonsense. My insides are endless uncontrollable, inexplicable emotions.
My internal clock tells me that it is time, that I must leave, I must leave my refuge, that I must face the harsh and crude reality. I have always stood out for punctuality, but today I don't find a purpose for it, today I don't want to, I have no desire to be the neat and diligent journalist. My facade is strong at the moment. I am a communicator; I have been trained to control emotions. TO THE DEVIL WITH IT!!!! TO THE HELL WHAT EVERYONE EXPECTS FROM ME!!!!
I walk down the avenue. People walk by smiling. What are your reasons? Why do they smile? Today it doesn't make sense. The pace of life seems wrong to me.
The sky should be gray, the birds mute, sadness that tinges, invades the atmosphere. Nobody can feel it. The earthly contrast.
I keep moving, as if I were wandering aimlessly. I don't do it consciously, I do it out of inertia, it is my feet that move me the most... I am a soul in pain. I look like a ghost, my eyes swollen, dull, expressionless, my face pale. The mirror doesn't lie I look so different.
Inexplicably I arrived at my destination, I do not know the causes, the holy spirit must have directed me.
I sigh bitterly. I inhale and exhale forcefully, almost forcing myself to breathe. I'm standing at the door. I can't believe it, I can't understand how this is happening. I still don't fall, I don't react. And finally I see your name on the plaque. GOD!!! It's a slap of fate.
Images of your smile, the sound of your voice, the memories of your jokes appear one after another in my head. I close my eyes and your face appears again and again. I want to cry again, I really feel like doing it but no more tears come. I force myself to be strong and yet I am so vulnerable, today the blindfold fell off my eyes.
Before the attack takes hold, I take courage and cross the main door of the church, the weight of the world falls on my shoulders. I turn and head to the right where the other door is located that communicates directly with the chapel.
I have the feeling that my heart stopped, when I entered, my feet turned to lead, it feels very heavy to walk, the silence is desolating. The hallway seems endless and in the distance is my doom. I don't want to take this path, I don't want to get there to find that all my dreams were shattered That my greatest fear came true.
When I get to the front row, Alex comes out to me at the intersection. She's very upset, you can tell she's been crying all night. She hugs me and cries uncontrollably. I can only manage to hug her too, no words come out, I know she's talking to me but I can't understand what she's saying to me. I'm in shock and just nod my head as my gaze goes to the coffin. Cory and Stella immediately follow, the others do not dare to move, sensing that this could be worse. And it's true I'm like a bomb ready to explode.
The last stretch towards the coffin becomes more difficult, everything disappears, I am in a nebula. It is the last time I am going to see her; it is the farewell, it is the end of a story.
And finally I see her, I'm next to her, I can't move anymore. Again the tightness in my chest, my heart races, my blood boils. Thoughts of injustice haunt my mind. Life is so cruel. Only one phrase remains: WHY JUST HER?
And suddenly my being explodes, I can't contain myself, I start crying and talking and I continue crying and grief, anguish and fury arise... and frustration... and despair. And I scream at the casket
“Why did you leave… why did you leave me?…I can't live without you…I don't WANT to continue living without you…LAURA”
I no longer have coherence or coordination, I keep screaming
“LAURA…LAURA…LAURA…”
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All I feel are two strong but warm arms containing me and a hand guiding my head to rest on a chest.
“Shhhhshhhh…Bradley calm down please”
“LAURA....LAURA...” I continue screaming, crying.
“Brad, wake up, it's okay. I'm here honey. “It’s just a nightmare.”
Suddenly I open my eyes, I continue crying, I tremble but I no longer scream. I look up and see her...my angel, it's her, her beautiful hazel eyes look at me worried but with infinite tenderness.
I cling tightly to her and sigh with relief, my soul returned to my body, my heart beats at the speed of light.
“God, I thought I was dying right there from the pain.”
“Shhhssshhhh, it's over, it was just a nightmare, for a moment I thought you were going to wake up the twins, with how difficult it is to make them sleep. Besides, I can't explain how you got to the living room.” And she smiles, and I nod.
“Do you want to tell me, what did you dream about?
I sigh long “I dreamed I was going to your funeral.”
She hugs me tighter and I can sense that she smiles slightly. “Well…you extended my life then”
“I guess… I hope you live forever” I answer calmer.
“Let's go to bed, so you can rest”
“No…I don't want to go back to sleep, I'm afraid of another nightmare” I feel the tension return.
“Well…I can think of other things we could do in bed” she looks at me mischievously.
“I like how you think…Maybe we could give the children a little brother” I smile excitedly.
“Another little boy…yes… Was it Gurami?
“Gurami Peterson Jackson”
“Perfect then…let's get going”
And hugging we returned to bed where the love of my life transformed my nightmare into new dreams.