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Joshua found his soulmate.
Well, not really.
But if he ever does, he bets looking into his soulmate’s eyes feels the same way as this. Just them, the bystander sea, and the nosy stars. The tensed but contrastingly light feeling inside his chest makes it hard to process anything. He feels like he could circle the world in a day, make pigs grow wings, or even learn to do the impossible: to love.
They’re so close.
So close that Joshua feels like Jeonghan’s stealing his breath from him.
At that moment, nothing mattered.
Not the fact that they’re in front of Joshua’s resident mailbox, not the fact that the night is old, and not the fact that he’s his best friend.
But most definitely not the fact that they have different soul marks.
All Joshua wanted at that moment was to feel his lips on his, to feel what it’s like being kissed, to feel what it’s like to physically love.
He lifts his hand to find out—supposedly to hold Jeonghan by his neck—but it freezes mid-air when his eyes catch the muscle tape covering Jeonghan’s elbow, where his mark is suffocating underneath. Reminding him of the only thing he didn’t wanna remember.
“I should go,” is all that he musters up to say before he audibly exhales and turns his back.
“Joshua,” Jeonghan calls, sounding internally desperate but outwardly reluctant.
Joshua can only pretend it wasn’t his name.
And also pretend that that night didn’t change everything.
A few weeks ago.
“Have you heard?”
Mingyu barges into the bookstore’s fragile door front without care despite Joshua warning him about it a thousand times already, clutching his little leather notepad and that dramatically tiny pencil in one hand that he refuses to replace for aesthetics, even his footsteps are as confident as the one of the store’s owner.
Joshua mercifully spares him a glance, catching Jeonghan calmly trailing just behind the aspiring journalist with a mischievous grin that Joshua’s all too familiar with. He ignores the two and diverts his attention back to the book he just started a few minutes ago before the unwanted intrusion.
Ugh. Here they go again.
He watches Mingyu on his peripheral, aimlessly grabbing a stool, placing it in front of his desk, and sitting on it like he’s making a point of staying for a while. Treating the register like it was a mere “catch-up dinner table” when he anticipatingly leans towards Joshua like he’s about to drop the most insane thing he’s ever gonna hear.
As lovely as Mingyu is for being excited about something in this shitty hot summer, Joshua just can’t reciprocate the energy knowing that the only things that get this certain guy this riled up are good food, a fine ass selfie, and—
“Soonyoung just found his soulmate.”
Soulmate talk. Of course.
Jeonghan, whom Joshua glares at for also treating his cashier desk without respect by making it his chair, snickers when he notices the subtle face Joshua makes at the mention of the last word. “I told you he won’t give a damn.”
Out of all the friends Joshua has (which isn’t a lot) and will ever probably have (again, not looking like quite a lot), Jeonghan is the one who knew him best, and thorough. Spending the whole years of high school together was one thing, and then there’s also the fun fact that they were neighbors—which they unfailingly bring up every time someone asks the origin of them.
Jeonghan knows Joshua doesn’t like cold pancakes, he knows Joshua can’t sleep without lights on, and he fairly, definitely knows that Joshua hates talking about the most abundant thing in this world.
“Hey, I’m just… busy. Good for him though.” Joshua quite poorly tries to defend his long gone image, a little offended that his best friend thinks of him like that—though, really he doesn’t blame him at all.
“Sure,” Jeonghan laughs, bending his neck to see Joshua’s book better. “Busy reading how to get away with murder.”
Joshua throws him a pointed look that makes him surrender his hands up in the air like he’s held at gunpoint and Joshua’s eyes are the bullets.
“Okay, I know you have this whole persona going on but their story is pretty interesting, you know.” Joshua indulges Mingyu in his enthusiasm, raising his brows to let the guy know he’s listening even though his eyes are glued to his favored pages. “Turns out, it was someone who he has beef with from the computer engineering department.”
“That’s,” Joshua gives it a thought or two. “Actually interesting.”
“Right?” Jeonghan agrees, cunning when he adds, “Maybe you’re also meant for someone you’ve never even considered, Shua.”
“Yeah, no thanks.” Joshua smiles a sarcastic one, glancing at Jeonghan who only gives him a shrug.
“Oh, come on , guys.” Mingyu laughs incredulously, probably wondering how people can possibly be so indifferent. “They’re actually working it out.”
“Working it out, how exactly? He hated that guy since freshman year.” Joshua turns a page.
“I mean, people change, right?” Mingyu tries to save it, looking between the both of them alternatingly, eyes somewhat more hopeful when he looks at Jeonghan.
“I assure you, even Soonyoung would stop believing in soul marks.” Jeonghan shrugs bluntly.
Mingyu’s face falls, the slumped shoulders, slight pout, and defeated stare he gives them make Jeonghan laugh loudly.
If Mingyu was someone who couldn’t go on about his day without mentioning something about the soul marks then Soonyoung was ten times worse. He’s the type to start a search party for his, make love letters he doesn’t know who to address to, and daydream about lovestruck scenarios in his head starring said soulmate.
Saying Soonyoung would stop believing in it would mean the end of the world.
Jeonghan turns to Joshua and comically rests his hand on his shoulder, to which Joshua shrugs off immediately, “You know, you can be such a pessimist sometimes.”
“Thanks.”
“That’s not a compliment.”
“Too bad, I’m taking it as one.”
“I’m not winning with you, am I?” Jeonghan grins, far from a losing face at least.
“I think I’m just gonna go write up the blog post about Soonyoung this week.” Mingyu interrupts stoically and stands up to actually do what he just said he would.
“You won’t have luck with this one, Gyu. Even for next week’s blog!” Jeonghan teases, successful when Mingyu makes a face at him as he leaves through the doors. He turns to Joshua, “You’re so cruel. At least give the kid some material.”
“And why should I?”
“He’s got a great title, you know.” Jeonghan takes the seat Mingyu left and props his elbow on Joshua’s table to try and be somewhat convincing. “ The anti-romantic finds romance.”
Joshua scrunches his nose and Jeonghan chuckles. “Why do you only side with him when he’s not around?”
“Because I’m all for your principles but,” he takes a dramatic pause before smirking at him, “I also wanna be that first romance for you, baby.”
“Yeah, right.” Joshua snickers, unfazed.
If you were to ask him to introduce his best friend, he’d say he’s the most pretentious flirting maniac living on earth. Jeonghan has always been like that. To ease his boredom, he’d either get occupied by his million hobbies—that Joshua whines about how he’s also ridiculously good at—or this, platonically flirting with him to no end.
Joshua somehow got used to it at some point in high school. Though his very first encounter with this version of Jeonghan was horrid: He ignored him for weeks to the point that he had to explain that it was all a joke. After which, fortunately, he learned to appreciate the corny pickup lines he pulls out of his ass.
He left those pick-up lines in high school, but now his flirting has seemingly evolved to a whole different level. A worse one, Joshua thinks.
“Tell you what,” Joshua lowers his book and gestures it at Jeonghan’s elbow, where he knows his soul mark is etched into his skin under the cover. “I’ll help you find your soulmate if you stop trying to shove this whole romance thing on my face, yeah?”
Jeonghan backs his body up from Joshua’s pointing, “Thanks, but I’m good.”
Joshua expected that answer but still couldn’t help rolling his eyes, shaking his head slightly as he went back to reading his book.
For a while it’s peaceful and quiet, the usual biggest noise contributor just staring out the shop window, looking like he’s deep into his thoughts before he faces Joshua again.
“Oh yeah, I have this gig next month, at the seaside diner.” Jeonghan mentions, “It’ll be an outdoor stage on the beach, around sundown. It’ll be so cool .”
Joshua diverts his attention away from his book to examine the look Jeonghan has on his face. He’s thrilled.
“And you’re telling me this because?” Joshua teases, knowing full well it’s an invitation that he doesn’t directly say just yet.
Jeonghan has been talking about this gig thing since the first school semester last year started. Of course, he wants him to be there.
“ Because you’re coming.” Jeonghan eyes dart to his, aggressive when he points and firm when he says, “And I’m not taking no for an answer.”
Joshua chuckles, “Yeah, yeah. Stop bothering me while I’m working.”
“Sorry. I just really wanted to say that. I’m gonna get going now.” Jeonghan hops down from the stool and walks towards the doors, quickly turning back when he seemingly remembers something, “Oh, and meet me at the spot after your shift later?”
“Let me guess; I’m gonna watch your stuff again while you surf away into the sunset like Ross Lynch?”
“ No, but close, I was going for Tom Cruise.”
Joshua rolls his eyes, laughing incredulously ‘cause Jeonghan always just got to have the last joke in. “Do I have a choice?”
Jeonghan had already opened the door when he asked. Just before he pushes his way out the wonky doors, he gives Joshua a salute with his fingers, donning a silly smile that answers the question for him.
Joshua can’t help but chuckle, prying his attention back to his book.
“I’m jealous that that book’s got all your attention, Shua.”
“Sucks to suck.”
“Mean.” Jeonghan frowns playfully, walking a little closer to grab the towel inside his duffel bag placed neatly beside its keeper, Joshua, “Am I not your best friend anymore?”
Joshua ignores his dramatic-ass friend and continues indulging himself with the book he’s halfway done with.
From his peripheral, he watches how Jeonghan dries his arms up and shakes his hair, then flops himself beside Joshua on the small beach towel that Jeonghan brought. Forgetting they weren’t scrawny little teenagers anymore and that they wouldn’t fit unless they were practically fused by the shoulders. Even then, half of Jeonghan’s ass would grace the sand particles underneath.
Joshua feels icky when Jeonghan’s wet rash guard brushes up against his shoulder, he pushes him a little and he gives him a hurt expression, holding his chest in vain, “ Ouch .”
Joshua laughs, “What the heck do you want?”
“Spend time with me, surely you bond enough with books at the bookstore.”
“It didn’t bother you while you were surfing.”
“Well, yeah, but I’m here now,” Jeonghan says and Joshua glares at him playfully.
They get into a small staring contest until Jeonghan cringes and Joshua laughs at how stupid he looks. Eventually, Joshua puts the book away with an old-looking but surprisingly still intact bookmark—the one Jeonghan gifted him on the first birthday he had after they were friends.
“Did Mingyu come back?” Jeonghan starts a new topic.
“After you left, no,” Joshua munches on the bag of corn chips Jeonghan had torn open earlier instead, scrunching his nose when it’s all gristly and chewy. “You really gotta stop doing that thing you do, though.”
Jeonghan perks up, “What thing?”
“Stop telling people I’m not interested in what centers their life.” Joshua continues munching on the bad chips, figuring out how the ripples of the waves look like that in front of them.
“What? Romance?”
“No, soul marks.”
“Right.” Jeonghan doesn’t say anything more.
“It’s really just stupid to be having all these restrictions. I mean, romance just becomes pointless.”
It turns silent for a while and the sea breeze starts to feel colder than it already is. Joshua’s deep into his chip bag and Jeonghan seems to also be deep into his thoughts.
“Okay, well…” Jeonghan pauses, making sure to face Joshua when he suggests, “If you think it’s that stupid, just break the rules with me.”
Joshua cocks a brow, focused on a chip in between his fingers that looks oddly shaped, “What do you mean?”
Instead of an answer, Jeonghan just starts laughing, smiling at the sandy ground like it was whispering jokes up at him that Joshua couldn’t hear.
“What?” Joshua pushes, smacking Jeonghan’s arm when he keeps on laughing with no context, even tumbling over and dipping his elbow into the sand, “What is it?”
Jeonghan sits up, still dying out his laughter, and dusts the sand off, “Nothing.”
“You’re annoying.”
“Oh yeah?”
Joshua was just about to say yes in the most passionate way he could but as soon as he turned, Jeonghan wrapped the towel he had on his face, fully covering Joshua around his head.
Being friends with Jeonghan for a long time is a difficult feat. But being friends with Jeonghan for a long time forces him to think fast in situations like this, and what his fast thinking is telling him right now is to grab Jeonghan despite not seeing him.
He feels Jeonghan try to dodge his hand but fortunately too late to escape and too vulnerable to try again because of how hard Joshua is gripping his hair.
“Ouch, ouch, ouch.” Jeonghan winces. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry!”
Joshua doesn’t feel remorse one bit, his fingers still tightly wrapped between his partly wet strands, up to his roots even.
Honestly, Joshua’s fully capable of unwrapping the towel himself, but where’s the justice if Jeonghan doesn’t struggle?
“ Ah, stop. I’ll remove it.”
Joshua feels Jeonghan’s hands fumbling to untangle the towel on his head. When he successfully does, Joshua lets go of his hair in return, and somehow, Jeonghan’s fuss from a minute ago dies down completely.
He has his hands still clutching the towel hanging by Joshua’s neck, and he’s gazing at Joshua as if he didn’t just pull on his hair like his life depended on it.
Jeonghan stared at his face.
And it stays there.
For how long? Joshua wouldn’t know even if he was counting.
And when it all starts to feel suffocating, Jeonghan clears his throat just in time. Retracting his hands and looking away, quickly changing the subject to a film he just watched yesterday like nothing had happened.
What the heck was that?
Joshua’s forced to bury it deep into the back of his mind and thankfully, the memory drifts further as the night ages.
Despite the rumor of being the anti-romance guy in town aging, Joshua sure does attract the ones who talk about it a lot.
A fucking lot, actually.
“I mean, I just don’t get why it’s him out of all the people in this damned world, y’know?” Soonyoung’s brows are furrowed so much that Joshua’s afraid it’ll turn into a unibrow any time soon.
He keeps rambling on and on about his newly discovered soulmate, and Joshua can’t count the times he has misread the main character’s name in the book he’s trying to read because of all the ruckus. Jeon Wonwoo this, Jeon Wonwoo that.
Soonyoung doesn’t even like reading. He only comes by the bookstore to gossip and either he doesn’t understand social cues or he’s just not bothered enough to at least pretend he was there for the romantic-comedy books.
“Are you sure you’re not actually in love with him?” Joshua doesn’t even need to look at him to recognize the greatly offended face he’s making.
“Are you sure you’re not fucking insane?”
Joshua chuckles at him bursting, readjusting the way he sits on his chair, “Just checking.”
“I know there’s something wrong with the system or something.” Soonyoung continues on, “It’s unfair. Why couldn’t they just give me someone tha—that, uh something like,” he pauses, thinking about it hard like the answer will change the course of his life. “Like what you and Jeonghan have!”
“But we’re not even—”
“Yeah—I know , Shua.” Soonyoung says, his week-long frustration clearly getting the best of him for the 8th time today, “But you know, if I didn’t know better, I would think you guys were soulmates.”
Joshua scoffs, “And what makes you say that?”
“Just the vibes.”
Okay, Joshua understands that he just met Soonyoung a few months ago, and it shouldn’t irritate him that Soonyoung knows nothing about why that topic irritates him so much
But god fucking damn it.
It's like he’s stuck on a time loop of retelling the same damn story a million times.
There was a time during high school when everyone who had even the tiniest admiration for Jeonghan threw dirty looks at him in the halls for ‘dating’ their crush.
And one time it got so bad, that Joshua couldn’t see Jeonghan for weeks . All that just to avoid the stupid rumors.
Jeonghan didn’t like the avoiding part one bit, in the end, he found another solution—i.e. shamelessly not denying the rumors and telling everyone to treat Joshua right or else.
Joshua remembers wanting to crumble into his own body and disappear right then and there.
With Jeonghan’s campus reputation back then, everyone listened.
And a hundred years from now, Joshua’s decomposed body would probably still roll in its grave and cringe at the mention of it.
“I mean, he’s basically your spokesperson, your personal… mind… translator.” Soonyoung doubts himself at the term he used, but brushes it off as quickly, “He knows what you want, what you don’t and understands you the way you wanna be understood.”
Soonyoung pouts, whiny, “I want what you guys have.”
“Well, you probably have those ‘ vibes’ with Jeon Wonwoo yourself.”
“ God.” Soonyoung dramatically slumps over the desk like he’s one of those Renaissance sculptures. “Don’t mention his name. I’m gonna throw up.”
Joshua merely chuckles at his distress, “Stop exaggerating. Have you even tried talking to him?”
“No motherfucking way—”
Joshua finds it funny how Soonyoung has completely turned the opposite in a light switch. And as much as he relishes in their sudden similarities, Joshua’s got a reputation to fix, “Ah, how about you list down things you like about him.”
One of Soonyoung’s eyes squinted in disdain, staring at Joshua with a ‘you’re kidding’ look on his face.
“There’s seriously nothing to like about him except his cute Harry Potter glasses.” Soonyoung gave himself away before he could really think about it. “ Oh .”
“See? That’s one.” Joshua encourages.
“That’s not even him, it’s just a thing he owns.” Soonyoung tries to defend, “Wait, how come you know this stuff?”
“I read. Soonyoung.” Joshua says it like it’d explain everything. “What’s the second thing?”
“Uhh, I guess—I guess I like how creative his insults are that it doesn’t even offend me.”
Soonyoung turns to him with pent-up rage—or was it thrill? Joshua can barely distinguish between the two, “Have I told you about that one time he told me I look like someone who only knew how to move pawns? Fucking pawns?”
Joshua prys his eyes away from his pages, a slight interval of time where he actually looked at Soonyoung while he babbled to the sky about the boy he quote unquote hated. He notices how Soonyoung’s eyes, although full of fire, still twinkled like the ones who found their certainty.
And then Joshua catches himself smiling, wiping it off instantly before Soonyoung can catch on.
“Soonyoung said that?”
Joshua nods, “Yeah.”
It’s almost past ten in the evening and they’re walking home on the same path from last summer, an after-activity that they usually do after their beach hangouts. Jeonghan is engraving feet-shaped holes on the sand, just beside Joshua’s sandal prints.
“What if I really am your soulmate?”
Joshua scoffs, “As if I don’t already know what your mark looks like.”
“Okay then hypothetically speaking, if I have the same mark as yours, would you believe in it?” Jeonghan asks jokingly, but his eyes are stuck on Joshua, anticipating for the answer.
Joshua squints at him, giving it a thought, “Hmm, I’d burn your mark off.”
“Well, that’s fucking mean.” Jeonghan laughs along with Joshua's evil one. “You really won’t give Mingyu his big break, huh?”
Joshua rolls his eyes at Jeonghan for using the term ‘big break’, writing about how uninterested someone is in romance isn’t gonna suddenly make Mingyu a world-known writer. He could be writing about absolutely anything more relevant than his biography and it’ll be a hundred times better.
“His big break could be about anything.” Joshua persists, “Soul marks aren’t everything, you know.”
Jeonghan looks oddly constipated when he says, “Absolutely.”
They walk in silence for a bit, just the crunching of the sand beneath their soles filling up their ears.
“Look.” Jeonghan gives him a scarlet red, circle-shaped box. Joshua knows it only serves to change the topic, but somehow gets terribly distracted by the dandy-looking box anyway. “Someone gave it to me earlier, they said they always see me at uni.”
“ Ohh , maybe it was your soulmate.” Joshua teases, he opens the box as if it was meant for him.
“Hard reach. Their mark is planted on their cheek.”
It amazes Joshua that despite the straightforwardness of the soul mark system. People still go out of their way to appease others—as in, others who don’t share the same mark as theirs. Joshua thinks they're more similar to him than they would think.
“ Cookies .” Joshua’s voice brightens when he peeks inside. He looks at Jeonghan in anticipation, not really asking verbally but asking with his eyes.
“You can have it.”
“Are you sure?”
“Shua, I know it’s your favorite,” Jeonghan laughs, “Stop acting like you won’t eat those anyways even if I said no.”
“I was gonna make a run for it if you took it back.” His passion makes Jeonghan laugh louder.
“Ah also, Mom wants to see you, you should come over for dinner before the summer ends,” he invites casually. “She says she hasn't seen you in a good while.”
It really has been a while. Ever since he—well, they —moved out for college, they never really had the time to stay in contact with Jeonghan’s technologically challenged parents. The drastic change from being close neighbors to being miles apart was definitely a feeling Joshua had difficulty getting used to.
They were practically his second family.
“Of course. God , I miss her cooking.”
The walk home was fun. Somehow mostly consisted of Jeonghan’s terrible take on food combinations and Joshua defending his own—according to him—exquisite taste in food.
Everything’s in its rightful place.
Everything’s fine.
Everything should have been fine.
Until Jeonghan takes a deep inhale when they stop in front of Joshua’s house, subtly grabs his hand to examine his fingers, and mumbles under his breath, “Lucky.”
“What?” Joshua asks genuinely, not catching what he just said.
Jeonghan can’t even meet his eyes as he repeats, clearer this time, “Whoever’s got your soul mark is lucky.”
The way he utters the words in a serious, slow tone makes Joshua think that this isn't just one of his usual flirting bits.
“You really gotta stop those types of jokes,” Joshua chuckles naively, fully conscious of the fact that their hands are still very much burning against each other’s skin despite their cold fingertips. “Your admirers might think you mean it, you know?”
“I do mean it.”
Joshua should’ve laughed.
Joshua should have brushed it off as another joke and offered to help look for his real soulmate like he usually would.
But he doesn’t.
Instead, he stares back at Jeonghan just as seriously as he was.
And all he does is watch. Watch as Jeonghan leans closer, watch as his honey gaze falls to his lips for a split second, and watch as everything he believed was platonic comes crumbling down.
There’s a reason Joshua didn’t believe in the soul-mark system.
He bets looking into his soulmate’s eyes feels the same way as this. Just them, the bystander sea, and the nosy stars. The tensed but contrastingly light feeling inside his chest makes it hard to process anything but somehow, every little thing Jeonghan is doing right now is getting etched into his memory.
He feels like he could circle the world in a day, make pigs grow wings, or even learn to do the impossible: to love.
They’re so close.
So close that Joshua feels like Jeonghan’s stealing his breath from him.
At that moment, nothing mattered.
Not the fact that they’re in front of Joshua’s resident mailbox, not the fact that the night is old, and not the fact that he’s his best friend.
But most definitely not the fact that they have different soul marks.
All Joshua wanted at that moment was to feel his lips on his, to feel what it’s like being kissed, to feel what it’s like to physically love.
He lifts his hand to find out—supposedly to hold Jeonghan by his neck—but it freezes mid-air when his eyes catch the muscle tape covering Jeonghan’s elbow, where his mark is suffocating underneath. Reminding him of the only thing he didn’t wanna remember.
“I should go,” is all that he musters up to say before he audibly exhales and turns his back.
“Joshua,” Jeonghan calls, sounding internally desperate but outwardly reluctant.
Joshua can only pretend it wasn’t his name.
“Joshua.”
“Huh?”
Mingyu sighs, frustrated, “You’re not listening.”
“Sorry, I was reading.”
That was a lie. How can he when the words on the pages of whatever book he’s holding turn to mush every time he tries to. These past few days felt like a stab of the knife through his ribs, his mind did nothing but wander off on its own and he can’t seem to find out why.
Okay, that was another lie . He knows it’s because he hasn’t talked to Jeonghan for a few—no, four long days, actually. Joshua was counting.
“I was saying that I found a couple who doesn’t have the same soul mark. They seemed happy with each other, is it possible another defect that I know nothing about?”
Talk about timing.
Joshua sighs, takes a pause, and strainly replies, “Possibly.”
Mingyu doesn’t seem to accept the short answer as it is, eyes wide and anticipating what leaves Joshua’s mouth next, so he hesitantly continues.
“Uh the, the mental baggage of going against the standard is probably weighing a lot of pressure on them, so they don’t actually last forever.”
“Oh, right! Maybe it’s not about their love, but external factors.” Mingyu stands up like he just made a new scientific discovery, writing hastily on his notepad. “I knew I could count on you for this, how do you know all this, anyway?”
Joshua sighs, “I—”
“He reads,” Jeonghan answers for him, they didn’t even notice he had entered the store, he places a book down on the desk with a thud. “Can you move now? Other customers are waiting, good sir.”
“Jeez. When did you start reading?” Mingyu moves away anyway, though pretty upset about it by the way he stomps a little on his heels when he leaves.
The bell behind Mingyu chimes and it serves as the last sound echoing in the store before they get trapped in silence. No one dares to utter a word, afraid that it will potentially shatter their pride probably, their stance, and declare the loser of whatever this game is that they're playing.
Joshua just about stamps the book slip when Jeonghan speaks.
And when he does, it almost makes Joshua shiver, “We have, uhm, rehearsals later. If you’re up for it.”
He doesn’t give Joshua time to process and come up with an answer, but even if he did Joshua wouldn’t know what to say either way. He watches Jeonghan quickly grab the book—a completely different one—and walk out of the store with pretentiously calm steps.
Joshua paused for a while, staring at the door like it’s a historic artifact displayed.
Chuckling to himself when the moment settles in.
Jeonghan is silly.
This is silly.
Joshua feels ridiculous.
One moment he’s all up smiling, trying not to because he probably looks like an idiot smiling at the ground like that. And the next moment he feels like the world has just turned upside down. Likewise, so did his grin.
Before the rehearsals of Jeonghan’s band started, Joshua decided to visit him in their little marquee tent. The plan was to give him and his members the refreshments he had brought. A little gesture of support.
But that plan gets thrown out the window when he doesn’t see a sign of his best friend, instead, he’s greeted by one of the members, Seungcheol, “Oh hey Joshua, have you heard of the great news?”
The first mistake that he made was when he asked, “What news?”
“Jeonghan’s gonna actively look for his soulmate.” Seungcheol said, he turned to another member, Jihoon, and laughed, “About time right? The guy’s clearly a romantic.”
Jihoon agrees by laughing along, proceeding to tell them more stories about the times Jeonghan has hinted at wanting to be with his partner.
The second mistake Joshua made was feeling something he shouldn’t be. He doesn’t even know what it is, all he knows is that it feels like his heart is trying to come out of his throat, and it sucks like hell .
And he only realizes his constant mistakes when he makes the third one;
“I have to go,” is all that ends up leaving his parse mouth.
Jeonghan caught him on the way out of their marquee, unfortunately with a growing frown and a furrowed brow already on full 4k display.
“Are you okay? What happened?” Jeonghan asks, worry-laced.
“Something just,” Joshua hesitates, avoiding Jeonghan’s hands that supposedly aimed to hold him by his arms, “Something came up at the store.”
“Okay,” Jeonghan says warily but understanding, trying to be cautious and not push it. But then he can’t help but seek assurance, “You are gonna watch the performance this weekend right?”
“I can’t.” Joshua wonders, if he had hesitated like a second before, would it not have tainted Jeonghan’s face with so much pain?
It was quick, like a shooting star reflecting on the pupils of his eyes, shining prettily, except it wasn’t any shooting star; it was a pang of hurt that made Joshua feel awful with each step he took away from him.
The walk to ‘wherever his feet took him’ felt long, and all he did along the way was think and think and think. Non-stop thinking.
Though he is a known anti-romantic, Joshua had his fair share of crushes— barely crushes. He did deny them to himself at the time, but deep inside he knew that that was it. That was what romance could’ve possibly felt like.
His whole life he considers exactly four people that contributed to why he feels the way he feels about soul marks now.
First and foremost, there was Choi Seungcheol from high school, whom Jeonghan got close with because of their interest in music. Joshua tagged along occasionally, sometimes watching them practice in an empty classroom. He remembers just staring at Seungcheol so much until he caught him and he’d look away, pretentiously bop to the music that Jeonghan’s blasting, and act like nothing had happened. Nothing really came out of that.
There was also a boy named Wen Junhui, the cute neighbor across Joshua’s bedroom window that Jeonghan randomly despised, for whatever reason that he didn’t wanna tell. Joshua never really talked to him, he didn’t even try to, their family was the kind that his mother would tell not to talk to. He felt bad but he just admired him from afar. He’d watch him plug his earphones in and walk so charismatically down the street. He was so cool. And then their family moved out, Joshua never heard of him again.
Then lastly and most recently—recently as in, three years ago—Jeon Wonwoo. He saw him feeding a stray cat once and petting the kitty so gently that Joshua decided he was admirable for it. Joshua’s not the best at distinguishing simple platonic admiration and real romantic feelings, but Jeon having a different soul mark did set off the spark to the fire that is also known as ‘Joshua hoarding eight books about subjects that suggest there’s something wrong with the soul system’. And yes, at once. Since Joshua barely saw him at the campus, he kind of gradually forgot about it. But the books seemingly stuck around.
Point is, every time he had a rare occurrence of a crush possibly developing, he didn’t really feel the need to act on it; made him question, sure, but he solely flowed with the current that didn’t really lead anywhere. And he didn’t mind that it didn’t, that’s the thing.
It didn’t really matter at the time.
And it shouldn’t matter .
But he’s going crazy, ‘cause right now, it feels a lot like it does .
It does matter ‘cause it’s Jeonghan. It’s his best friend. And him realizing he’s starting to feel things best friends—and not soulmates—shouldn’t be making him lose his goddamn mind and worse: he wants to do something about it.
For the first time in his uneventful love life, he wants to act on his feelings.
He can only sigh frustratingly, curse the soul system about a hundred times, and kick the poor sand below his feet.
What was he even gonna do?
Jeonghan probably hates him now.
Jeonghan absolutely hates him now.
Well, Jeonghan didn’t explicitly say it to his face but Joshua knows him better than his own mother. And unless he suddenly turned Spanish and couldn’t understand a word he was saying, he had definitely been ignoring him since the rehearsals.
When Joshua expected him to barge into the bookstore in the middle of his shift—as he usually does—he was nowhere to be found.
When Joshua made eye contact with him walking by the beach with some of his other friends, he didn’t even care to send a small smile.
And when Joshua tried to approach him, he immediately diverted his attention to his sandals, pretending to be busy by tying the nonexistent shoelaces he got on.
“He hates me.”
It’s the way Joshua says it sulkingly that surprises even himself. In their long years of friendship, fights were inevitable, and so are ignoring each other after huge ones. Though it didn’t really happen a lot, the times when it did, Joshua would usually not bat an eye and Jeonghan would eventually come around on a random day.
He’d somehow forget about it and show Joshua a really cool game he just got.
But they were kids then, and this doesn’t feel like something that Jeonghan would forget about on a random day.
“I mean, hate is a strong word.” Soonyoung comments, munching on the banana he has been holding since their walk here earlier.
“Soonie, he won’t even ask me to watch over his stuff anymore.” Joshua frowns, almost angrily, a facade to hide the overflowing blueness he shoves deep back into his hidden stash of forbidden feelings. He’s got a lot of those in store, it seems.
They’re by the beach. Looming over at the sight of the busy area near the stage where people have started to crowd for the show.
Joshua has never felt the silliest for telling Jeonghan he can’t go and still showing up in hopes of making it up to him.
“You should just go and talk to him,” Soonyoung says cunningly, smugness painting his features. Proud of using the exact same advice Joshua had given him last time.
Joshua glares at his laughing fit, “I hate you.”
“What?” Soonyoung giggles, “It worked with my problem.”
Joshua threatens him with a handful of sand which immediately proves to be effective when he flinches, scrambles, and runs towards the sea.
He watches Soonyoung instantly get distracted by the water flowing to his ankles and all he can do is sigh.
Joshua never felt more infuriated about the fact that he couldn’t just slice his marked skin off and trade it off with Jeonghan’s soulmate or something, maybe even reinvent the whole soul system himself. Anything that would make every red, red, and blue, blue. Less complicated for his already complicated thoughts.
God. He’s losing his mind. Genuinely.
He badly wants to walk over there and watch his best friend do the thing he’s most passionate about. The only thing that’s really stopping him is—wait, there’s nothing stopping him. Physically, at least.
He stands up before he even settles on a decision, leaving Soonyoung to his own bubble, and slowly makes his way toward the back of the forming crowd.
The sun is starting to set, painting over the blue clouds with streaks of oranges and pinks. And all Joshua could think about was how Jeonghan was right, this is really freaking cool.
Joshua gets shaken out of his thoughts when the crowd cheers. The band is getting on the stage. Joshua’s eyes quickly roam about, looking for the most familiar face. When he finds it, a sigh of relief comes out of him before he can even think about it.
With a small crowd—big considering they’re in this part of town—he shouldn't have been surprised to see Jeonghan already looking at him, staring even, with a gaze that’s worth like a thousand pounds . Fortunately—yes, fortunately, otherwise Joshua would have melted into the sand—Jeonghan’s attention is snatched away when his bandmate talks to him.
As the night grew older, the crowd denser, and the music louder, watching his best friend be at his best on stage made Joshua realize everything that he should have had much earlier.
Jeonghan’s dancing around with his guitar, enjoying the limelight with the most handsome smile Joshua has ever seen. And he doesn’t know if it’s just from the bright stage lights or from the fact that he’s feeling a lot of things for Jeonghan, but to his eyes, he’s glowing .
And as every fast thing around him slows, the ear-wrecking noise muted, Joshua decides right then and there—much more firmly now—that he does wanna break the rules with him.
He does wanna laugh at every unfunny joke he cracks.
He does wanna hear his clingy whining whenever he’s got his nose in his books.
And he does wanna spend every summer with him—plus every other season that ever exists.
Joshua flinches out of his sappy thoughts when a drop of water hits his cheek, and then followed by another three hitting his forehead, and then, he blinks twice and it suddenly starts pouring.
The crowd instantly scatters, while some people run for shelter, others relish in the rain in acceptance. Much like Jeonghan, who looks like he’s enjoying the rain more than usual.
Jeonghan probably couldn't see him in the crowd, but Joshua could clearly see him up on the platform, offering his face up for the raindrops to kiss.
“Oh, his soul mark is on his elbow?” Someone curious from close to Joshua’s hearing distance says.
He doesn’t make anything of it at first, every person acquainted with Jeonghan knows that very well. But when Joshua watches Jeonghan closely, his eyes land on the bright blue bandana wrapped around his elbow in place of the usual tape he covers it with.
Joshua reckons it’s for the show, but the bandana’s getting wet and gradually sliding off his elbow. Joshua was about to look away when he didn't see the soul mark that he knew Jeonghan had, instead, a very much familiar symbol is in its stead.
What?
“Why?”
“Joshua—”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
Jeonghan exhales, eyes darting everywhere but Joshua’s face.
Joshua should have walked out of there before the ten-minute midshow break, but his legs were stuck like they were buried in mountains of sand, feeling a lot of surging emotions he didn’t really know how to deal with right now. Unknowingly giving Jeonghan the opportunity to run down the stage and talk to him.
Now, they’re under some shed Jeonghan dragged him to.
“I understand if you’re mad—”
“I wanna be,” Joshua screams slightly over the sound of droplets. “I should be mad, Jeonghan.”
“Then, be mad. Curse me for as long as you want, Shua.” Jeonghan responds desperately, “But please hear me out after.”
Joshua watches as Jeonghan contemplates taking another step closer, now reluctant about the little details he usually did not think twice about before this whole fiasco.
Jeonghan settles on standing in his place, before saying, with so much sincerity, “Joshua, I’m sorry. I didn’t wanna disappoint you for having the same mark.”
Joshua could practically hear glass shattering in his chest. They stay standing for a while, not another word uttered. Just them looking at each other’s messy state.
Joshua takes the time to think hard as Jeonghan waits patiently, and when the rain finally dies down a little, he mumbles under his breath, “Is it insane to say that I’m relieved?”
“What?” Jeonghan doesn’t hear him.
Joshua sees him tucking his hands into his own arms to somehow lessen the coldness that’s engulfing them both whole. He saw the way Jeonghan’s jaw visibly shivered when he opened his mouth.
Joshua didn’t know what got to him, the next thing he knew he was striding a few steps closer and pulling Jeonghan into a tight hug. Comfort rushing to his whole entirety when he feels Jeonghan wrap his hands around his waist.
“I’m sorry.”
“For what?” Jeonghan chuckles lightly, “I should be the one apologizing.”
Joshua doesn’t even realize how tight he’s hugging Jeonghan until Jeonghan stumbles back a step, he shakes his head and looks at him in the eyes, “No, I know I’m the reason you didn’t wanna tell me. I’m sorry for being a bad friend. I’m sorry for saying the things I did.”
Joshua can’t even begin to imagine what it must have felt like when your soulmate doesn’t believe in what made you meant for each other.
“You were cruel, you know.” Joshua frowns even more as Jeonghan laughs, “But I like you, so you’re forgiven.”
“What?” Joshua is flustered and it’s probably shown clearly on his face when Jeonghan’s all smiling and shit. He pulls him back to lay on his shoulders, hugging him.
For a moment, it’s just them in existence.
Making the most out of it.
Joshua feels like he just won a war against the whole world. And by the look that Jeonghan is giving him, he bets he feels the same way.
“They’re probably looking for you now,” Joshua whispers.
Jeonghan still doesn’t let go, “Hm. You’re more important.”
“At least let me get used to not fake throwing up first,” Joshua says in contrast to his reddening ears that got Jeonghan all laughing again. “Go back up there. I’ll wait for you.”
“Alright, but just one last thing.”
Joshua hums, “Hm?”
Just like that one night. Jeonghan moves closer, the difference this time is there’s not a hint of hesitation. This time, there aren't any consequences weighing him down. And this time, his lips actually softly touch Joshua’s forehead, before he comes back down and presses his lips on his.
Jeonghan’s hands are tugging on his hips, pulling him closer to him than they already are. He starts slow and gentle, seemingly testing the waters before quickly adjusting his pace to a more hurried one.
It becomes messier, and Joshua’s hands are gripping his shirt, trying hard to follow his lead.
So this is how it feels like.
Joshua can’t decide if he likes it because it feels good or if he just likes it because it’s Jeonghan.
Seems like it’s the latter.
They draw apart to catch their breaths, and Jeonghan looks at him straight in the eyes and says, “Finally.”
Joshua laughs wholeheartedly, in a complete daze as he watches Jeonghan drown himself in his brown eyes. Now everything feels like they’ll fall right into their place or maybe he’s just in love.
He’s in love.
Goodness. He never thought he’d ever say that.
And he never thought he’d believe in something he spent resenting for the majority of his life.
But boy is he glad that he’s wrong: He’s glad that the system is right.
He’s glad that it’s Jeonghan.
And perhaps it’ll always be Jeonghan.
Even in the next three lifetimes.
He promises he’d never say that soulmates are stupid ever again, Jeonghan might be somewhere getting offended.
When Jeonghan runs to go back up on the stage, all Joshua does is smile fondly at the faint sound of his voice booming on the speakers. “Sorry for the slight delay, everyone, here’s to the last set of the night! Let’s make it count.”
The now smaller but still enthusiastic crowd cheers, and then Jeonghan's voice comes ringing on the mic again.
In the gentlest tone, he adds, “Oh, and this one’s for the anti-romantic.”
“Go welcome them, Hannie.”
Jeonghan heard his mother say over his loud music but he didn't budge, pretending he didn’t hear a word because any kid would prefer scribbling on their elbow than welcome strangers who’ll likely move out next month.
Then his mind goes on to question why they didn’t just make people choose their marks. His would have been an awesome dragon blowing fire, or the logo of his favorite band, that would have been awesome . Unfortunately, his soul mark looks like it was drawn by a six-year-old and he can’t do anything but pretend his scribbling on it is real.
Since he’s no Picasso, all those could wait. For now, all he could really draw are random add-ons from the mark itself. Woah, it looks real.
“Hannie!” His mother’s yell goes way over his music this time and he scurries before the third warning shout comes along.
Jeonghan couldn’t really understand why he had to back then, a little annoyed at his mom for forcing him to when he was busy reconstructing his mark’s design—he wonderered who thought it’d be a great idea to be born with it. Customizable ones would have been great.
Anyways, back to his temperament. It’s not like they’re his cousins or his favorite grandmother or anyone related. They’re just neighbors!
Strangers who moved beside them.
What’s so special about that when it’s not his cousin?
He could have played games with Mingyu all weekend and showed him his cool Lego cars.
It would have been way more awesome.
He stomps his feet subtly, slipping one stomp per five normal steps or so, not wanting to be caught by his mother and jumping into a crash course about his behavior again for two hours straight.
He struggles with the big basket his mother gave him to give away to the neighbors. As he stands by their mailbox, he looks around at all the boxes in the front yard. The organized Sharpie labels on them make him curious, and one with “Shua’s books” makes him snicker.
Who the heck likes reading books?
Maybe their new neighbor is the old library woman from Monster Inc.
“Oof—” Jeonghan halts in his tracks just when he thinks about rewatching the movie later, he bumps into someone carrying a box of stuff in their hand. Well, used to be a box of stuff before the stuff part was scattered all over the ground.
He sets his basket aside and assists the boy who looks like he’s around his age. Okay, never mind, their new neighbor isn’t the old library woman from Monster Inc. “Sorry. I wasn’t looking.”
The guy laughed, and somehow, in some magical way, it sounded like angels singing in harmony to Jeonghan’s ears. “No worries, I wasn’t either.”
There’s that awkward pause that Jeonghan thinks he’s cursed with for every time he meets someone new.
“I’m Joshua, you?”
Oh.
“Jeonghan. I, uhh, live next door.” Suddenly, the boy who would shamelessly crack jokes in class every chance he gets erased from his personality file, and he suddenly feels oddly bashful. Unadmittedly—and embarrassingly—because of how pretty his new neighbor is.
Jeonghan catches himself staring too much and quickly gets a hold of himself, he crouches down and helps gather the things on the ground when he sees a book with a bookmark. “You read these?”
“Oh, yeah. It’s pretty interesting.”
Jeonghan reads the title and tilts his head. “You don’t like… love?”
“Not exactly, I just think that the system is messed up.”
Jeonghan feels the rusty cogs in his head turning, “So… you don’t believe in soul marks?”
“Precisely, yeah.” Joshua shrugs, “You don’t actually believe there’s just one person in this entire world who is highly compatible with you, do you?”
And then he chuckles charmingly like a sophisticated British prince, and Jeonghan’s completely, utterly, and inevitably struck. To his heart.
“Oh,” Jeonghan pretends to think, nodding, “Actually, you’re right. It is kinda stupid.”
Joshua only laughs at the term he used, but Jeonghan’s too distracted by his smile to think of a more decent one.
“Nice soul mark.”
Jeonghan looks at his vandalized hand, and in a mental panic replies, “Ah, thanks.”
“Mine looks like it was drawn by a six-year-old.” Joshua laughs.
And then Jeonghan watches him walk to the box that he snickered at earlier, eyes undeniably glued on him as if he’s looking at Aphrodite’s reincarnation but more so at the back of his head.
And then his attention gets snatched by the small black symbol on the back of Joshua's nape.
It was his soul mark.
And it was small but it was clear.
Clear enough to Jeonghan who knows that same exact mark like the back of his hand—in this case, the back of his elbow.
What the—
Jeonghan couldn’t even react on time, he felt as if he was starring in a movie. ‘Cause how can this simply be his reality? As he stared at the back of Joshua’s neck, all of the blood flowing on his face seemingly segued downwards.
And he stands there, frozen.
Jeonghan found his soulmate.