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Self sacrifice was nothing new to Osamu Dazai at this point. He hadn’t always been willing to give himself up for others, but that changed with him joining the agency. Time and time again his self sacrifice had been what saved the whole mission. If he were to die from such a thing, no inconvenience would be placed on others.
It was strange to watch someone follow such a similar path yet behave so differently from Dazai.
Within nothing more than a test to enter the Armed Detective Agency, Atsushi had been fully prepared to let himself die. He could have grabbed a box or placed the fake bomb under some sort of counter, but instead he opted to shield it with his own body. A sense of pride had overcome Dazai but a pit had grown in his stomach simultaneously.
He hadn’t known the kid very long, but to see Atsushi so ready to die nagged at him. Even in the warehouse on the very first night they had met, something akin to dread had been forming in the back of Dazai’s mind as Atsushi made his comments of self loathing.
It wasn’t uncommon for Atsushi to come back from more intense jobs with giant gashes his ability would struggle to heal. He had almost always sustained his injuries from taking a heavy hit for others. The orphans' stupidity was both admirable and incredibly frustrating.
Dazai hated himself for that underhand anxiety about Atsushi that seemed to randomly creep up on him. It allowed him to think of them as friends. To be friends with Dazai was damination- a catalyst to your undoing. Atsushi would one day take a hit that he couldn’t recover from, and Dazai would grieve.
He didn’t want to grieve.
He didn’t want to be friends with Atsushi, if it meant having to deal with the feeling of loss. Even Kunikida, who was assigned as Dazai's partner for most missions, was kept at an arm's length.
Kunikida surely considered Dazai a friend. Every morning, Kunikida would call him just to make sure he was fine. There were time slots in the idealist’s notebook to remind Dazai to eat food. He would scold Dazai after another flimsy attempt, instead of the apathetic stares he would usually get from Mori.
It was an awful display of just how human Kunikida was. Human beings are fragile like glass. If Dazai’s finger dared to slip, he knew Kunikida would shatter just like everyone else in Dazai’s life.
Everything worth wanting is lost the moment I obtain it. And nothing I pursue is worth the cost of prolonging this life, this suffering.
He wondered if Atsushi was suicidal.
No sane man would ever be so willing to give themselves up so easily. That couldn’t be the case though, with how much emphasis Atsushi placed on the value of living.
Atsushi had narrowly avoided death time and time again, only being saved by his tigers healing ability. Perhaps that was what made the kid so reckless. If Atsushi knew he wouldn’t die, then why bother living carefully?
Dazai couldn’t help but imagine what would have happened if Atsushi couldn’t heal fast enough one day.
Would Dazai be able to save Atsushi before anything could happen? What if he arrived too late, and Atsushi would already be in a pool of his own blood?
Be on the side that saves people. If both sides are the same, become a good man. Save the weak, protect the orphans.
What would Dazai do with himself?
If Atsushi died, then that means he failed Odasaku. This is who he was doing all of this for. Dazai played it off as a joke when Atsushi asked, but if it wasn’t for Oda’s death then Dazai knows he would still be affiliated with the mafia.
Dazai would have been one of Atsushi’s pursuers. He had been infamous for his ability to torture information out of people, and Atsushi surely would have been one of his many victims. The weretiger would have been rather easy to break, especially since he could have recovered so easily if pushed to the edge of life.
Atsushi’s screams would have been like a sweet song to his ears.
As Mori’s successor, Dazai would have been the one ordering attacks on the agency. The everlasting coldness and apathy hidden behind his persona would have taken the form of brutality. Brutality he would have taken out on these sweet, loving people. Oda would have been disgusted.
He had not felt much throughout the last few years of his life. His lack of desires and emotions were the very thing that disconnected him with society. It was isolating, but Dazai had come to accept it long ago. Yet when he was alone in Lupin’s Bar, Dazai could feel the sickening swirl of anxiety over something that hadn’t even happened.
For just a moment, he felt human.