Chapter Text
To be honest, Mafuyu couldn't quite comprehend what had gone wrong.
Everything had been fine a few weeks before, but then suddendly there was her, that stupid girl. And even that wouldn't have been a problem, if it weren't for the fact that Kanade was way too soft and would agree with anything her girlfriend said. If Honami wanted to go grocery shopping, then Kanade went grocery shopping. If Honami wanted Kanade to spend time with her instead of being on Nightcord at 1 am composing, then Kanade would be found at Honami's house. And Mafuyu would be left home alone, with her thoughts and regrets and all the other things. Usually, she'd seek Miku's company.
It was an odd situation, especially since Miku had believed Mafuyu was getting better; now, it was like nothing had changed, like that same depressed girl from back then would return to her Sekai and do nothing but sit around in self-pity.
Miku felt bad for her, of course, but it was hard for the vocaloid to pinpoint what exactly brought Mafuyu in such distress. Whether that was plain jealousy, or fear, or maybe a mix of the both.
It started when Honami asked Kanade out. Mafuyu had never seen that coming, and while deep down she knew that Kanade deserved Honami, someone better, someone who could actually love her, it still stung a bit. What did that girl have that she didn't? Or had she just missed her chance, had Kanade given up on her?
That, to be honest, was what she feared most. Kanade had someone else to save now. Someone else to praise, and hold, and care for, and soon Mafuyu would be forgotten and all on her own again. And she'd have nothing left. Not her mother. Perhaps she could find consolation in her other two friends - but Ena still seemed to dislike her most of the time, and Mizuki was too busy with keeping Ena calm. Not really an option. There was Miku, of course, but she couldn't really stay in the Sekai for the rest of her life.
Therefore, it's no surprise when she finally recieves the dreaded news.
The blue-greyish-haired girl fidgets with her fingers while trying to explain to Mafuyu.
"Honami thought it'd be easier. Since she already cleans here, and stuff."
Mafuyu frowns, just slightly, not enough to be worrying. "You want me to move out." It's no question, more of a statement.
"A-ah- If you don't mind, I would understand if you'd rather stay, it's just-"
The lyricist cut her off. "No, don't worry, it's alright. I'm happy for you, Kanade. I hope you two find happiness together."
It was not alright, hell, it was far from alright - Mafuyu wanted to scream. Don't forget about me - you promised you'd save me, so what is this, I'm not saved yet, I'm not ready to let go!
Maybe, in a different situation, she would have spoken those words; but sunken back into old habits, she keeps her mouth shut. And then, forces a fake smile unto her face; something she hasn't done in a long while.
The worst part is that Kanade doesn't even seem to notice.
Her savior. First friend. Her everything, maybe.
It's the first night she relapses. The next day, she looks for an apartment, that she miraculously manages to get (and it definetely has nothing to do with the guy looking her up and down. Or the amount of money she has).
Four days and every trace of Kanade is gone.
Of course, there is Nightcord. She can't manage to log in though - or more, doesn't want to, she doesn't want that confrontation.
Even worse; she doesn't go to school. She speaks to and with nobody.
The first week, the remaining members of N25 aren't all that worried.
"She's probably still busy moving in. Maybe just doesn't have internet yet!" Mizuki says. Kanade agrees. She says something inaudible to someone else in the room. Ena can't help but be worried. It's Mafuyu they're talking about, after all.
Ena wishes she could have helped Mafuyu the way Kanade did, but sometimes, it seemed Mafuyu didn't want to be saved at all. And now that last bit of support was gone too.
Mizuku reassured her it was nothing.
Ena didn't sleep that night.
It was confusing to Miku.
When she had met Mafuyu, the girl had been closed off and scared, tired, angry. Upset. Sad. And then over time, after meeting Kanade and the others, she had gotten better. She had grown, found hobbies. Even left her mother's household which allowed her to finally start a new chapter. Eventually, she had started smiling. Mafuyu had become a person rather than an empty shell that nodded and followed.
Then why was she back at the start?
When Mafuyu entered the SEKAI, it was like time had reversed. Like that very same girl stood in front of Miku's eyes - just older. Somewhat wiser. Somehow more broken than before.
Miku sat her down and listened, like she used to do.
Miku held the girl while she cried, like she used to do.
Miku let the girl sleep on her lap, like she used to do.
They were back at nothing.
The worst, maybe, were not the conversations itself, but the fact no one else came.
Miku thought that since Mafuyu spent most of her time in the SEKAI one of her friends would come check on her.
No one did. Not even Kanade, which was odd.
Later, Miku found out about Kanade's significant other.
She felt her heart sting when Mafuyu said she felt like Kanade just gave up, but that she didn't blame Kanade. That she knew it would happen. That she was too broken to fix, and that Kanade had just wasted precious time she could have spent on more important people.
They both lost track of time after a while. Miku didn't know how long Mafuyu had stayed in SEKAI. Sometimes she’d leave. Mostly it would be to eat food, but Mafuyu didn't really have an appetite, so she would not eat as much as a human should. Miku didn't know. She didn't eat. She wasn't human.
Sometimes, Mafuyu would come back with crimson trickling down her wrists and dirtying her sleeves. She would tell Miku not to worry about it. That it was to punish herself, and to keep the bad thoughts out. That she had it under control. Miku knew she didn't. Miku knew too much and so she knew that Mafuyu soon would give up once again. Her Yuki, the Yuki she had known and cherished and guided, would soon return to the cold snow she had been made of and shaped by.
"Miku."
She had spoken without hesitation, this marionette whose strings had been cut and now sat around useless, lifeless, her purple hair not even tied up anymore. Dark circles under her eyes.
"I know my true feelings."
Miku braced herself.
"I want to dissapear. Please."
They had had this conversation thousands of times, years ago. Miku had tried to convince her those were not her true feelings. That she was just tired of the situation, not of life. Tired of her current existence, not existing.
Miku had been wrong.
"Mafuyu-"
Mafuyu did not give her the chance to finish.
"No, don't tell me the usual. Kanade clearly won't come save me, not even Ena or Mizuki - they forgot about me, Miku. They don't care. That's fine. I just want it to be over."
The barely-girl with grey hair and pigtails sat in silence, thinking.
Empty SEKAI had opened up another part, recently.
It had been pitch black.
All that was there was a bathtub, and a knife.
"Okay."
Mafuyu stared at her in disbelief.
"Okay. If those are your true feelings. If that will make you find happiness. Then, go on and dissapear."
Mafuyu had thrown herself at Miku, hugged her, cried and thanked her, thanked her for being allowed to give up, to stop at last.
And Miku cupped her face, her dearest companion, the girl she had guided, her student she had failed.
"I wish to see you in a next life, Yuki. A happier and brighter life, where we make happy songs together to motivate others. A life where you meet me because of your dedication, and not your wish to give up. A life where you and Kanade and Ena and Mizuki are all happy and born in the right bodies. A life where your parents love you the way you deserve. A life where all that comes to you is good fortune, and every struggle is worth the fight and brings you to your next goal. Let's meet in a happier life."
Mafuyu had nodded.
Mafuyu had hugged her again.
Mafuyu had thanked her for everything, had said they would meet again in a next life in which she hopefully did not want to dissapear.
"Goodbye, Miku." She had said, holding up her hand in a wave. "If you ever meet the others - if this SEKAI doesn't cease to exist together with me - tell them I held them dearest of all. But know that you were the only one I never lost."
"Goodbye, Yuki." Miku had echoed, not knowing what else to say. And Mafuyu had returned to her world, her reality.
Miku wasn't human. Miku couldn't cry.
Yet she swore she felt her eyes sting.
"I'm gonna call her." Ena said, picking up her phone from the table. Mizuki just gave her a confused look. "We both know she won't pick up. She's always been like that."
Ena just shook her head.
"No. She always waited for Kanade to ask her if she was alright. But Kanade isn't going to call."
Mizuki nodded, sighing. "Alright then. I'm gonna shower. I hope she picks up."
Ena couldn't quite understand why her groupmates were being so cold. Yes, Mafuyu had done this more often - ages ago. Couldn't they see what was happening? Clearly not.
She dialed Mafuyu's number and waited for the lyricist to pick up her phone.
"Ena."
Her voice was a bit weird, woozy, which wasn't odd since her entire arms and shirt were covered in crimson. Not fast enough. It hurt like a bitch, to be fair.
Ena didn't know that, though.
"Mafuyu, are you okay? It's been two weeks. I'm worried."
"Oh. Yea, I'm fine. Just got... back, from Sekai."
"Your voice sounds... odd. Are you tired? Have you even slept and eaten?"
Right. That. The pity. The worry. She almost felt bad now. Almost.
"I ate three days ago. I think. I can't remember. And I slept, don't worry."
Somehow that made Ena worry more.
“Hey, Ena.”
Her clothes soaked and dirtied. Her blood trickling down her ragged arms as if she had been attacked by a wild animal, except the animal was the person in her head that wanted her gone more than anything else.
“Yeah, what's up?”
“Promise me you will take care of the rest. Kanade and I don't seem at the best terms right now, but I just wish for her to be happy.”
A slight nod from Ena, she knew Mafuyu wouldn't see it but Ena’s silence encouraged the other girl to keep talking.
“This life is horrible. To you, who was never seen as worthy or good enough, or never loved enough. To Mizuki, who was born in the wrong body. Who has been alone for most of her life. For Kanade, who blames herself for things she wasn't at fault for.”
Ena doesn't like where she was going.
“And me, I was just another horrible thing.”
“Hold on,” Ena stopped her, “why are you using past tense?”
Mafuyu ignored her. Continued her monologue.
“I saw you as everything, you know. People I would have died for. You were my only friends. But I’m so tired, Ena. Nothing is worth it anymore.”
A slight pause in Mafuyu’s story; she’s coughing, like talking hurts her.
“I appreciate everything. Everything you've done for me. How hard you tried, despite me being insufferable and selfish. Miku said it so beautifully… Let's meet again in a next life.”
“Wait, no, no, no, Mafuyu, Yuki- No! You can't just-”
“I hope a next life is kinder to us. Goodbye, Ena.”
“No, Mafuyu, listen to me- FUCK!”
She had hung up.
A confused Mizuki returned to Ena swearing, Ena clinging to her shoulders, “We need to go to Mafuyu's apartment, right now, right NOW Mizuki!”
Mizuki had never seen Ena that distressed. The brunette refused to explain, told Mizuki to hurry up, fidgeted and gritted her teeth as if she was dangling off the edge of insanity.
Mafuyu had given Mizuki a house key and Ena knew the address. They had both been confused as to why not Kanade. Mafuyu hadn’t answered - just started moving in, and then disappeared.
Mizuki had opened the door of the apartment building and Ena had rushed upstairs, banging on the door, to no avail nor response. Mizuki had attempted to sprint after her, quickly unlocking that door as well.
She only realised how bad everything was when Ena ran straight to the bathroom, and then started screaming and sobbing.
Mizuki was with her within mere seconds, saw the view Ena was seeing. Sunk to her knees to hold the sobbing and howling girl, who was attempting to call the alarm number on her cellphone.
She looked so peaceful.
Mafuyu, in the bathtub, the sides stained red of the girl’s blood, her hair messy and spread out unevenly; she lay as if she was sleeping, except sleeping people breathe, and Mafuyu wasn’t breathing.
That’s what the paramedics tried to tell Ena too.
Ena, who sobbed and screamed and cried.
Ena, who kept repeating “I’m sorry,” over and over, until she fell quiet after a final “goodbye, Mafuyu.”
"Let's meet in a next life."
"Goodbye, Mafuyu."
And just like that, it was over.