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Finn isn’t under any illusions. The only reason he’s made it this far is out of sheer dumb luck, and the skills of his friends.
Friends. He calls them that in his head and he hopes that it’s true, that it won’t be taken away from him. Friends is what he calls them, but maybe the word he’s looking for is “belonging”.
When he wakes up, he sees Poe, and he feels that. Like he belongs.
“Hey, buddy.” Poe’s voice is sleep-rough and tired, and Finn wonders if he has slept here, waiting for him to wake up. For a moment, he feels frustrated at his own body for betraying him, for worrying Poe, for keeping him from whatever important duties the greatest Resistance pilot needs to attend to.
But he’s awake now. He tries to sit up.
“Nope,” Poe says, and pushes gently at Finn’s chest until Finn lays back again. Even that small movement has exerted him. Finn takes a few labored breaths, wonders if he’ll always feel this weak.
Weakness is something he was conditioned to fear since birth. He wonders if things are different in the Resistance. Poe doesn’t seem to be disgusted by the ragged breaths he’s taking, the sweat already beading at his forehead from the pain. He just looks concerned.
“What happened?” Finn asks.
“You were amazing,” Poe says, all in a rush, like he was waiting for Finn to wake up just so he could tell him. “Without your help, we would never have been able to collapse the planet. We took the whole thing down just in the nick of time. The First Order lost, big time.”
Finn shakes his head. That’s not what he wants to know, and anyway, it’s not like he did all those things. He was just there .
“No, I mean Rey. Where’s Rey? Is she okay?” Finn asks, because the last thing he remembers is Rey knocked unconscious in the snow, the glow from Kylo Ren’s lightsaber casting her in a crimson light, and making it impossible for him to see if she was bleeding. In that moment of panic, his mind had gone blood , blood , blood , and he’d had to run his hands over her clothes to make sure they didn’t come away wet.
“She’s fine, she made it through alright,” Poe says, but he looks sad as he says it, and Finn’s heart falls.
“Where is she?”
Poe lets out an exhale. “She went to go find Luke Skywalker.”
Luke Skywalker. In the First Order, they had hardly mentioned his name, but still they trained to fight him, to kill him. They were always testing out new weapons, ones that would be able to go toe-to-toe with a jedi.
He knew from the moment he saw her that Rey didn’t belong on that desert planet. It does not surprise him that she’s gone to walk with legends.
It is only then that he realizes that Poe is holding something.
“The jacket,” he says, recognizing the brown leather jacket that Poe has draped over his lap. “Your jacket, I mean,” he corrects.
“Yours, actually. I gave it to you, remember?” Poe smiles.
“According to BB-8 I stole it,” Finn says.
“Well, BB-8 told me the other day that it looks better on you than on me,” Poe says, shaking his head. “That little droid doesn’t have an ounce of loyalty.” He says it with a fondness that makes his eyes crinkle, and suddenly, Finn feels like he’s out of breath again.
“It kept me alive against Kylo Ren,” Finn tells him. “Any deeper, and his lightsaber would have torn off my arm, probably,” Finn says. He looks down at his shoulder, swaddled in bandages. It reminds him of the fight again, Ren pushing back at him with his searing hot lightsaber, always winning, Finn caught up against the trunk of a tree, pain sparking at his shoulder. He pushes the memory away.
“I’m glad,” Poe says. His fingers find the burned, charred part of the jacket. Finn sees that someone has already started to stitch it back up. The stitches look clumsy, but determined. “I didn’t want to lose you down there. We almost did. But you fought like hell. Every inch of the way.”
Finn’s not used to this - being praised. Poe’s words course golden through him. Poe has had this effect on him since the first time they met, him yelling compliments about his aim as together, they seamlessly took out a dozen cannons.
He looks at the stitches again, and thinks that he wants to tell Poe all of this: how all the things that happened to him after he met Poe has beaten away at the years he was conditioned to hate and to kill, and has turned him into someone he can actually recognize.
But without his permission, his eyes grow heavy, exhaustion pulling mercilessly at him.
“Go to sleep,” Poe says, softly. He has produced a needle and thread, and is continuing to work on repairing the jacket. “I’ll be right here if you need me.”
-
The next time he wakes up, General Organa sits in Poe’s chair. She seems to be reading reports of some kind, but she looks up at him when he wakes.
“How are you feeling, Finn?” she asks.
“I’m sorry about Han Solo,” he answers instead.
Her fingers tighten on the reports and her head bows so that only he can see the pain that is etched there.
“Rey told me what happened. I’m sorry, about all of this. He’s my son, and he did this to you,” Organa says, gesturing to Finn’s bandages.
“It wasn’t your fault.” It feels like the right thing to say. If he has learned anything, it is that the way you are raised doesn’t mean you can’t make the right choices. Kylo Ren made his own choices, and so did Finn.
“Thank you,” Organa says, and she is the General of the Resistance once more. She stands up. “I’ll let you get better. I think you have some company waiting.” She turns her head, and BB-8 rolls in, chattering eagerly.
It rolls up to him, bumping excitedly into the side of his bed.
“I still don’t know what you’re saying,” Finn says, grinning all the same.
“BB-8 says Poe can’t wait to show you something, so get better soon,” Organa translates, her eyes twinkling.
“Show me something? What?” Finn asks, turning his attention back to BB-8.
BB-8 says something more, a series of loud beeps and chirps. Organa hides a smile.
“What did it say?” he asks her.
“Does your master know you’re trying to ruin his surprise?” Organa asks BB-8 instead. BB-8 turns its head downwards in a gesture that looks vaguely guilty.
“No, I won’t translate,” she tells Finn. “I’ll let Poe surprise you.”
-
He gets stronger every day, or maybe all that conditioning was good for something, because now he knows exactly how much pain he can handle and still be functional. Still, under the watchful eyes of the Resistance medics, and the constant concern from Poe whenever he visits, he takes it slow, arduously slow.
He walks from one side of the hallway to the next, and it should be pitiful, the way his legs are shaking and his head is swimming, but Poe praises him like he’s accomplished something monumental.
Finn thinks he could live off of Poe’s praise alone, if given the chance.
On the way back to his bed, Poe lets Finn lean on him, and he smells good, unfamiliar scents that Finn hasn’t had a chance to put images to, but that comfort him all the same. Despite Finn being a few inches taller than Poe, Poe never falters, leads Finn confidently back to his bed.
“You were great today, Finn,” Poe says.
“It’s taking so long,” Finn sighs.
“Yeah, but that’s how you do it,” Poe tells him. “Maybe Rey could jump back on her feet after a hit with the Force or whatever, but not us mortals, right?”
He sounds in awe of her. Rey has become a legend here on the base, spoken of in the same tones of hushed reverence as one would use to speak of Luke Skywalker. Finn misses her like an ache that doesn’t leave even after the medics take his bandages off.
“I don’t think that’s how it works,” Finn says.
Poe laughs. “No, probably not.”
“I wanted to get better for that thing you wanted to show me,” Finn says.
“How did you - oh. That BB-8,” Poe says, and Finn realizes with a start that he’s blushing.
“Organa didn’t translate what it was though,” he says quickly, because he hates to see Poe in distress, even if it is fascinating to see the tips of his ears turn red.
“Oh, hell,” Poe says, looking even more embarrassed. “The General was there? I’m going to have a few words with that droid the next time I see--”.
“No, stay.” Finn stops him with a hand on his sleeve, and Poe collapses in the chair by the bed, running a hand through his hair.
“I have to leave the Resistance. I’ll become a smuggler on the Outer Rim. I’ll change my name.”
“I’ll just come after you,” Finn says, making it a joke, but meaning it all the same.
-
He wakes up one day, and Poe has fallen asleep in his chair, still working on fixing up the jacket when he thinks Finn can’t see.
Getting out of bed is much easier now. The pain is still raw at times, blurring the edges of his vision, but he breathes through it and takes it slow. He stands up, takes the jacket out of Poe’s hands, and drapes it carefully across Poe’s shoulders.
It gives him a thrill, this immense privilege of being able to take care of another person. For this short moment, hands gently adjusting Poe’s head so that his neck is at less of a strenuous angle, he feels as if there is nothing of the First Order left in him.
This gentleness was never taught to him, but he’s learning.
-
Poe gets sent on a mission, and before he leaves, he visits Finn, BB-8 following faithfully at his heels.
Finn is sitting up in bed, resting. The medics just let him walk around the base, and the exercise has tired him out. When he sees Poe dressed in his pilot uniform, helmet held under one arm, his heart jumps in his throat when he realizes what it means.
“You’re leaving,” Finn says.
“Not for long,” Poe promises. He sits down, sets his helmet on the bed, and takes Finn’s hand. His gloved fingers brush over Finn’s knuckles. “I should be back soon, so you just focus on getting better, alright?”
“I am better,” Finn says. “Take me with you.”
“If I’m going to take you anywhere, it’s going to be somewhere nice ,” Poe says. “I’m just going to a moonbase. It’ll be boring and cold.”
BB-8 chirps something at him.
“Yes, I know that was classified ,” Poe says, rolling his eyes. “I trust Finn.”
“You’re telling me classified information, Dameron?” Finn says with a smile.
“Keep it between us, okay?” Poe says in a stage whisper. He leans forward as he says it, hand still holding Finn’s, and Finn’s eyes can’t help but fall to Poe’s lips.
“Be safe,” Finn says, fingers tightening on Poe’s hand.
“And the same to you,” Poe says. He unwraps a bundle, and pulls out the jacket. It has been patched up, cleaned of dust and blood.
“Here,” Poe says, giving it to him. “It always suited you better anyway.”
-
Finn pushes himself harder after that, ignoring the medics when they tell him he needs to rest more. He evades them by climbing to the roof of one of the base’s buildings and from there, he watches the ships as they fly in and out. Mostly, they’re supply ships, keeping the base stocked and the people fed, but other times it’ll be a fighter, and Finn’s heart will jump until he realizes that it doesn’t have a BB-8 unit on it.
They hear the news that the Millennium Falcon has made it to the planet where Luke was supposed to be, but there’s no news of Rey and how she’s doing, which is the only news that matters , really. Finn worries about her when he’s not worrying about Poe.
Organa catches him walking around the base, hiding from the medics, and instead of telling him to rest, she puts him to work training new recruits on how to fight Stormtroopers. He finds satisfaction in it, wishes he could see Phasma’s face (or, well, hear her voice through the helmet) if she could see him now.
They have given him new clothes to wear, but he still makes sure to wear Poe’s jacket whenever he can.
The recruits call him “Finn, sir”, and ask him tentative questions about what it was like to be a Stormtrooper. Some he answers, and some he doesn’t. For the questions that he still can’t answer, he wishes he had Rey with him. If he could tell anyone about those years, it would be her.
She would understand, he thinks, about a childhood stolen.
-
BB-8 bumps into the backs of his knees as he’s talking with a recruit, and Finn almost pitches forward.
“BB-8!” he yells, as soon as he’s regained his balance. “Is Poe--?” Finn asks, but before he can finish, BB-8 is already zooming back across the airfield. Finn follows at a run, and it’s not long before he sees Poe, perched on top of his plane.
“Finn!” Poe greets him, and jumps down from the plane. Finn meets him with a hug that rocks Poe back on his feet.
“Easy, buddy, easy. You’re not still hurt are you?” Poe says, laughing, and pulls away.
“No, I’m all better. The medics say I’m fine,” Finn says, not mentioning that the medics had only said that so they could give his bed to someone who would probably be using it a lot more than he was.
“That’s great,” Poe says. “You look great.” His fingers curl into Finn’s jacket, and Finn glows under the compliment.
“What did you want to show me?” Finn asks him, because he hasn’t forgotten, not at all.
Poe grins, crooked. “Let me give my report to the General, and we’ll go.”
“Go where?” Finn asks.
Poe’s quirks his head towards the plane that he’s just landed. “I said I would take you somewhere nice, didn’t I?”
-
They fly to a planet dotted with islands. Poe lands them on a small one, and all that’s on it is a thick jungle giving way to a white, sandy beach, and an endless sea.
“It’s beautiful,” Finn says, breathing in the clean, salty air.
“We come here sometime to relax. There’s not a big enough landmass for the Resistance to have a base, but some of the bigger islands have outposts on them,” Poe tells him.
“Come on,” Poe says, stripping off his boots and rolling up his pants. Finn follows suit, and they walk onto the sandy beach, leaving BB-8 behind to look after the ship. Poe leads him to the water, and Finn gasps when he wades into the tide.
“It’s warm,” he marvels. “I thought it would be freezing.”
“At night it is,” Poe says. They walk in silence for a long time, the crashing noise of the waves adding rhythm to their steps. It reminds Finn too much of the marches they had to do over and over on drills, and he has to stop. It makes him sick that even here, the farthest he could possibly be from the First Order’s hold, it has followed him.
“Can we just sit for a bit?” he asks.
“Yeah! Of course,” Poe says, eyes worried.
They sit and watch one of the planet’s suns begin to set, the other still high in the sky.
“Thank you for this,” Finn says.
“It’s the least I could do after you saved my ass,” Poe tells him.
“I needed a pilot, remember?” Finn says. He turns away from the sunset to see that Poe has been watching him the whole time.
He shifts closer, shortening the distance between them, and Poe watches him with half-lidded eyes. He doesn’t lean forward, or crowd into Finn’s space, but lets Finn come to him. Only when Finn hesitates, does he lay a hand on Finn’s waist, gentle, but encouraging enough that it makes Finn bold.
He kisses Poe, and Poe lets him in, moving his hand to the back of Finn’s head until they’re kissing properly. Finn tries running his teeth against Poe’s lip and marvels when Poe’s entire body trembles with it.
“Did I - Was that good?” Finn asks.
“Yeah, yeah, now come back here,” Poe says, pulling Finn back by his jacket and kissing him again, thoroughly and wholeheartedly, until they both have to break away to catch their breath.
“I’ve been wanting to do that,” Poe says, his mouth wet and pink, “everytime I see you wearing that kriffing jacket.”
“This?” Finn asks dazedly. He’s been wearing this jacket a lot .
“Yeah,” Poe says, and kisses him. “You’re sensational, Finn, you know that?” He kisses him again, and again, trailing his mouth along the line of Finn’s throat, sucking at his collarbone. “Absolutely sensational.”
Finn presses Poe back into the sand, and they kiss until Finn feels a hardness poking into his thigh. He shifts a little against it, and Poe breaks off the kiss and groans.
“Tell you what,” Poe says, his voice strained, “how about we continue this back at the base? I don’t want to get sand everywhere, and I’m pretty sure BB-8 is getting worried.”
“Is it going too fast for you?” Finn jokes, and helps Poe up.
“I’m more worried about you,” Poe says. He swings and arm around Finn’s shoulder as they walk back to the ship. It has gotten chilly, the wind picking up, and Finn leans into Poe’s warmth gratefully.
When they get back to the ship, Finn can’t help but push Poe up against the side of it and kiss him again. BB-8 turns its head down to look at them, and chirps at them.
“Boy, am I glad you can’t understand droid,” Poe says, hiding his face in the crook of Finn’s neck.
“What did it say?” Finn asks.
“‘Does this mean he’s called Finn Dameron now?’” Poe translates, lifting his head so he can watch Finn’s expression.
Finn laughs, delighted. Finn Dameron. Not a bad name. He turns his head up to talk to BB-8. “One step at a time, BB-8.”
“All right, let’s get back in the ship before I die of embarrassment and you get stranded on a remote island,” Poe says, face red.
Finn follows him into the cockpit. “You did already give me one name,” Finn reminds him. “That’s enough for me. For now.”
“For now,” Poe repeats, running through the start-up sequence on the ship with sure hands. “All right. I see how it is. You strapped in back there?”
“I’m good,” Finn replies.
They take off in a kick of sand, gaining altitude until the island is just another speck in a huge ocean.
He thinks, if he’s ever going to escape the First Order’s conditioning, this is how he does it. His friends at his side, fighting for what’s good in the galaxy.
Finn may not be a hero, not like Rey or Poe, but he can sure as hell try.