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There’s the crushing weight of the knowledge that he’s nothing more than a distraction. Jeonghan feels heavy, like he’s being pushed down by the overwhelming force of unworthiness inside of him. If that feeling has been a silently simmering kind of feeling it now is scalding as it’s boiling through his bloodstream. Even worse, though, is the fact that he doesn't do anything about that burning that could possibly leave him with consequences in the form of a broken heart and burning marks to remind him of it. The fact that he lets himself be used is even worse; he’s aware of the fact that he's only needed when Mingyu is feeling lonely and when the weight of Wonwoo not constantly being by his side gets the best of the taller guy.
It’s toxic: both the on and off situation Wonwoo and Mingyu have going on and the way the younger guy reaches out for Jeonghan whenever the other two are in the off state of their not-quite-relationship.
Jeonghan’s heart is pained by the undying feeling of love that blooms inside of him whenever he so much as thinks about Mingyu. Part of him is sure that the other guy knows about his feelings and uses it to his advantage, calling him out to fuck his worries away whenever Wonwoo isn’t there to do so. Rationally speaking, though, Jeonghan knows that such thing can't be the case: Mingyu is too good for his own good with too big of a heart and too much love in it — which is part of what made Jeonghan fall for him — and he wouldn't hurt any of the people he cares for on purpose; Mingyu doesn't have a single bad bone in his body.
If only the way Mingyu cared for Jeonghan would be in a romantic way instead of the platonic kind of love he gives him. It would be too good to be true, anyway, so Jeonghan doesn't try to dwell on that thought for too long.
It’s with a familiarity that he loathes that Jeonghan makes his way over to Mingyu’s place, letting himself in in a way that is way too familiar as well. Mingyu had texted him less than an hour ago, the intent behind his message as clear as day and Jeonghan’s foolish heart made him go over to the younger guy’s place even as he knows he’ll only hurt himself by doing so.
Jeonghan is no stranger to hurting himself and willingly getting hurt, though, so he sees no reason to protect his fragile heart all of a sudden.
The younger guy lets out an “In the kitchen!” once he hears Jeonghan enter that the older guy can’t help but smile at. In the kitchen he’s greeted with the sight of Mingyu getting the table ready. “Have you had dinner yet?”
“No” It’s the truth and yet Jeonghan hesitates saying it out loud. “Perfect! Wash your hands and join me, hyung” All of this seems so romantic: Mingyu cooking for the both of them, the two of them eating together through a comfortable conversation and then ending up in bed together. It’s only when the shorter guy lets the delusion shatter that he sees all of this in a different light — Mingyu would've cooked even if it were anyone else coming over, he would've talked and laughed with any of their other friends and the only reason he’ll end up in bed with Jeonghan is because Wonwoo isn’t here to do it with and he needs someone (anyone, really) to warm the place next to him in bed and get his mind off things. Thinking about it in that way makes an ugly kind of feeling spread through every inch of Jeonghan’s body. He doesn't let it show though; throughout their dinner he acts as normally as he can.
He wants to forget about the truth, to pretend that things are different even when he knows that the reality is one that shatters his bones. In moments like these — Mingyu’s warm body on top of his, his hot breathing on his neck as his hands wander under the fabric of Jeonghan’s shirt to explore the soft skin there that yearns for the taller guy’s touch — it’s slightly easier to live in the illusion if only for a painfully brief moment.
Mingyu gets him out of his shirt and then kisses him, all eager and needy as he does so. Jeonghan is pliant under the younger guy’s touch, opening his mouth enough for Mingyu to sneak a tongue in the kiss. There was a time where he imagined how it would feel to be able to get Mingyu like this — now he does know how it feels and yet it’s not enough because the younger guy is still not his, regardless of whether Jeonghan knows how he tastes and how it feels to have him on top of him.
The process of getting out of their clothes is so familiar that it feels like second nature by now: in one moment they’re still mostly dressed and then in between needy and desperate kisses the two of them manage to get rid of the rest of their clothes so urgently and fast that it feels like Jeonghan doesn't even have the chance to blink. A naked Kim Mingyu is a sight Jeonghan has had time to get used to, too, and yet he feels himself just as affected by it as he had been the very first time he saw him bare like this.
In Mingyu’s defense, though, he’s good at taking care of Jeonghan even if it’s not him he wants. Regardless of whatever he has running through his head while he’s prepping the older guy — or rather whoever he has running through his head, Jeonghan’s mind bitterly corrects him — fact is that he’s always incredibly patient and attentive to Jeonghan’s needs and all his reactions. Mingyu is never ruthless or aggressive while he’s fucking him although Jeonghan sometimes wishes he were: perhaps then his heart would yearn for his love a little less, maybe then the ache inside of him wouldn’t be so painfully present whenever the taller guy takes what he wants from him like this.
It’s like it’s impossible for Mingyu to be anything other than lovely, caring and impossibly kind — he always wants to be good and it leaves Jeonghan wondering if he doesn't get that he simply doesn't deserve being cared about the way he is. Mingyu is too good, too nice and sweet and understanding for his own good to the point where it’s impossible to comprehend how someone like him is real and Jeonghan deserves none of that; it’s apparent in every way and all the time (at least to Jeonghan).
Later on when he lets himself fall apart under Mingyu, when he lets himself get lost in the comfort that is Mingyu’s gentle touch that is still laced with undeniable intention, the ugly thoughts reappear in his mind. They’re never truly gone, not really, but sometimes he can shove them to the back of his mind even if for a rather sad amount of time and now is certainly not one of those times. Jeonghan tries not to flinch at the way Mingyu intertwines their fingers in a way that is almost loving and romantic when he next thrusts into him with a groan. The taller guy has moaned about the tightness of Jeonghan and how much he loves the feeling of being inside of him countless times and Jeonghan is still puzzled every time the evidence of that is in front of him.
An ugly thought makes its way to the front of his mind, one that makes his heart feel heavy with pain, ‘Do you fuck him the way you fuck me?’. If he would ever voice that question out loud (which he wouldn't, for the record) there would be no need to specify who ‘him’ is and that in itself is answer enough. The sound escaping Jeonghan’s lips feels pathetic as the taller guy lets out nonsense that he couldn't possibly mean even with how genuine it sounds: about how good Jeonghan feels, how much he has thought about this and wanted this, how much he loves this.
Even if Mingyu loves him for the sex it’s not him he loves, Jeonghan knows, and so he pushes down the nausea that that thought gives him. ‘Liar’ Jeonghan thinks as he forces down the tears threatening to roll down his cheeks with a shaky breath, ‘You don’t want me, you never did’.
Mingyu leaves hickeys all over Jeonghan’s body and even as the older guy knows that he’s going to hate seeing them — a physical reminder of this moment of his heart’s weakness and pathetic lack of self worth — he doesn't stop him from doing it.
‘Do you imagine that I’m Wonwoo, that it’s him you’re fucking?‘ It’s right before Jeonghan climaxes, the feeling on the edge of being overwhelming. Mingyu continues the fast pace until he, too, comes.
Jeonghan wishes he could hate Mingyu. Instead all that he feels for the younger guy is overwhelming love that just won’t fade away, love that leaves him hurt by the person his heart so desperately yearns for.
They lie down in bed next to each other, Mingyu’s strong arm thrown over Jeonghan’s smaller body and Jeonghan can’t pretend to be okay any longer. He waits until the younger guy falls asleep and then leaves, a heaviness inside of his chest that he doesn’t know how to deal with.
Jeonghan spends an almost concerningly long amount of time simply staring at his phone screen, Mingyu’s contact opened. When he finally clicks on his contact name and starts calling him there’s the unexplainable feeling of nervousness and dread running through the older guy’s bloodstream.
It takes quite a while — several rings, though Jeonghan can’t be bothered to count them — for Mingyu to pick up and only once he does does Jeonghan notice the fact that it’s nighttime (or almost morning, rather). “Hello?” Comes the scratchy voice of a sleepy Mingyu, his voice laced with sleep and a yawn fighting its way into it.
“Hey, Mingoo-yah. Sorry, did I wake you?” Jeonghan feels robotic as he replies, not even sure where he’s trying to go with this. “Mmh, it’s okay” Mingyu’s voice makes a sick kind of fondness bloom inside of the older guy's chest, temporarily filling him with the warmth he had been missing. A foolish kind of hope makes its way present inside of him and refuses to fade away: what if Mingyu is on his own? If he’s currently not in one of his phases where Wonwoo is by his side, will Mingyu let Jeonghan come over for something other than just getting his dick wet?
Jeonghan’s heartbeat quickens as he lets himself imagine cuddling the taller guy to sleep, no post orgasm clinginess but simply the need to have Jeonghan of all people specifically to be by his side making him melt into the embrace.
All of those imaginations and hopes get crushed the moment Jeonghan hears some rustling on the other line and then, quiet but undeniably Wonwoo’s deep voice, “Who’s that?”. What hurts more than the knowledge of Wonwoo being there to have his arms around Mingyu instead of Jeonghan is the quiet (almost like he doesn't mean for Jeonghan to be able to hear him) “No one. Go to sleep, Wonu”
There’s the type of fondness laced into Mingyu’s voice that Jeonghan has never heard directed at him — the type of fondness that Mingyu will never have in his voice when he speaks to (or about) Jeonghan. Immediately the oldest feels his heart break into pieces; it’s like Mingyu shreds it into pieces without even meaning to. Can he really be blamed for this when it’s Jeonghan’s foolish and self destructive heart that keeps feeling so strongly towards Mingyu, when it’s his own doing that he keeps returning to be used like something to keep the taller guy’s mind off the absence from the guy he really wants?
“Did you need anything?” Mingyu eventually asks when the silence turns into minutes of nothing, minutes of Jeonghan’s heart trying and failing to stitch itself back together. He’s calm as he asks this, no hint of annoyance in his voice, and yet Jeonghan has to bite back the urge to flinch at the words. Stupid. He’s stupid; his feelings for Mingyu are stupid. Some sort of heaviness inside of his chest settles over him like an old friend that he doesn't know how to push away. Perhaps it would be easier if Mingyu sounded annoyed or similarly angry by Jeonghan calling him but he’s genuinely not and that’s what makes it harder: Mingyu is always so patient and understanding, kind down to his bones.
“No. Hyung’s sorry for waking you up, rest well” The sweetness is overplayed as Jeonghan speaks to give a sense of normality even when he feels like he’s falling apart. Mingyu wishes him a good night before he ends the call and the moment it’s over Jeonghan lets his phone fall on his bed, bile in his throat.
He swiftly makes his way over to the bathroom and starts dry heaving over the toilet, frustration building inside of him when nothing comes out. There’s no tears, no vomit, only the suffocating feeling of heartbreak and the feeling of sickness that seems to be playing a cruel joke on him.