Work Text:
Eddie's day is going as good as it can be.
… if you take into account that he’s a 34-year-old man who just recently found out that he might not be as straight as he thought he was, and that he’s probably in love with his best friend.
He could’ve lived his whole life without this realization, blissfully unaware of all of it– if only said best friend hadn’t come out as bisexual and started to date his new friend. Eddie tried his best to be a good friend, be as supportive as he could. He said nothing would change between them and pushed Buck to chase after Tommy after their disastrous first date.
The truth is: Eddie does love Buck no matter what and he really is happy for him, but he’s not sure he’s going to be able to keep his word and make sure nothing changes between them. If he’s being honest with himself, he realized all this the moment Buck told him, but he pushed away the feeling, too busy with his own mess of a love life to deal with.
But seeing Buck bring Tommy as his official date to Chimney and Maddie's wedding, seeing them smile at each other, the dancing, the kissing… it all brought a sinking feeling to the pit of Eddie's stomach, and he’d been unable to think of much else. So, Eddie swallowed his drink, came up with some sorry excuse for Buck, and took an Uber home.
He tried his best to pretend that nothing was wrong. He kept his relationship with Marisol moving slowly, he acted as normally as he could with Buck, listened to him talk about Tommy and his new experiences… but after a while, it all started to screw with his head.
For once, Eddie decided to take the mature route and face his problems –or at least one of them– and broke up with Marisol.
She didn't seem surprised at all, which he honestly should have expected after asking her to move in, and then move out. It was the easiest break up he’d ever had. He felt lighter for a moment, like he didn't have to pretend or perform anymore; but the feeling didn’t last long. Not when there was still another, bigger problem: Buck and the feelings Eddie can't seem to shake or even understand.
It's just so much more complicated with them because their lives –Buck, Eddie, and Chris' lives– are totally entangled. Buck’s not only his work partner, he’s Eddie's best friend. His person. He’s the man who crawled underneath a firetruck under gunshots to save Eddie's life; the man who organized a Christmas party at the station because Chris was upset he would have to spend Christmas without Eddie; the mans who helps Chris with homework and bakes cupcakes for school. Buck has been essentially co-parenting with Eddie since they met; and he's the only man that Eddie trusts enough to take care of Chris should the worst happen to him. Eddie knows Buck would die for him and Chris, and Eddie knows in his heart he would do the same for Buck without thinking twice. He loves Buck to the core.
And Eddie just… he has no idea what to do with all these feelings. Is he having his gay crisis just because Buck had his? Is he gay now? What is he? He’s only ever slept with women. Had he always felt this way for Buck, and was just repressed? Is he in love with Buck?
Or he is just scared of losing Buck because Buck having a boyfriend means Eddie may lose his place as the most important person in Buck's life? Sure, he always knew Buck was an attractive man, he just never thought much about it until now. And besides, Buck has someone else–someone that is not him.
Without meaning to, he starts to fall back into his old habits and begins avoiding Buck. They still work great together, as always, and he jokes normally with the team; but he starts to avoid one-on-one conversations with Buck, makes excuses when he invites him out. Buck, of course, notices right away and starts to look at him like a kick puppy more and more each time.
Eddie hates himself for it. And the thing is, he knows it’s only a matter of time before Buck has enough and confronts him, but he decides to take advantage of time he has until then, because he needs time and space to think. He just has too much to lose.
So, yeah, Eddie's day was going fine; and when you consider all his mental turmoil, it could be worse.
At least, that’s what he thought up until he got out of work to find Buck sitting on his front porch. For a shameful split second, he considers just driving away. He squashes that idea when he realizes that a) Buck has already seen him and b) as much as he wants to be a coward, he can't do that to Buck. Preparing himself, he parks the car and gets out slowly.
"Where’s Chris?" Is the first thing Buck says, expression serious.
"He’s sleeping over at a friend's house." Eddie is painfully aware of the fact that he’s trying to keep his tone as normal as possible, terrified he’ll somehow end up spilling out his feelings to Buck.
Nodding, Buck is silent for a moment before looking up at Eddie, a determined look on his face. "Are you ever going to tell me what’s wrong?"
Staring, unable to think, Eddie forces out a disbelieving laugh. "What do you mean? And can I get inside my house?"
Buck nods and gets up, moving to the side and following Eddie inside, talking a mile a minute as soon as he opens the door.
"I’m not stupid, Eddie. You’ve been avoiding me. You barely spoken to me these past couple weeks, and when we do it’s always about work or about Chris. Whenever I try to talk to you, you find a way to leave. All of a sudden, you have to go make a call, you have to talk with cap because it’s urgent, you have to run to pick up Chris. And when I invite you to hang out, you’re always busy, when we used to hang out almost every day. This is getting ridiculous. Just talk to me! Is everything okay?"
Eddie sits on the couch, gesturing for Buck to do the same, before answering.
"I'm fine, Buck. I’ve just been busy."
Buck shoots him a look of disbelief. "Really, Eddie? I told you I’m not stupid. You think I can't see the difference? No matter how busy we are, we’ve always made time for each other. That's not it."
Eddie sighs. He knows when a battle is lost. There’s no avoiding this conversation now, not when Buck knows there’s something wrong. And he knows he won't give up until he figures out what it is. The last time he avoided Buck like this was when he was having panic attacks and a full-on PTSD episode that left his own son terrified. He gets where all Buck's worry comes from, and it means the world to him, but he also has no idea what to do.
He is nowhere near ready to tell Buck the truth. What could he possibly say anyway? Yeah Buck, I’m fine, I just broke up with my girlfriend because being with her felt wrong when I got so jealous after seeing you kiss and slow dance with a guy who’s also my friend? Or hey, if you don’t mind, I don't want to hear about your dating life with him anymore because it feels like a knife to my chest every time you do? Or I think I want it to be me instead?
No. No, he can't do that. So, he does the next best thing and lashes out.
"Why do you care so much? It's not like you’ve been making too much time for us lately either. You’re always on dates with Tommy."
Buck actually does a double take. "What–wait. Tommy? What does Tommy have to do with anything? I thought you liked him! You hung out with him all the time before he and I start dating..." Buck trails off, quiet for a moment before looking away. When he looks back up at Eddie, it’s with utter sadness and hurt on his face. "Do you have a problem with me and Tommy? I thought you said you were fine with me dating men! You said nothing would change between us!"
Oh, shit! Eddie’s body goes cold. Not this. Not Buck thinking Eddie is a homophobe when it's the exact opposite! Fuck, Eddie really did screw up this time. He can't let Buck think this way. He can’t let Buck think he’s some backwards bigot. Buck moves to get up, and the sheer panic sets Eddie into motion.
Grabbing Buck and sitting him back down, his head exploding, he kisses Buck.
At first, it's innocent, nothing more than a soft brush of lips against lips. Not unpleasant, but chaste.
But then, then Buck opens his lips with a whimper, sliding his tongue onto Eddie's and it's amazing. It’s mind-blowing. Eddie feels more alive than he has in years–everything he hasn’t been able to feel since Shannon. They go from zero to a hundred, in what seems like the blink of an eye, tongues sliding wet against each other, Eddie's hands sliding into Buck's hair, one of Buck's hands on Eddie's face, the other on his back, trying to pull him closer.
And that’s when Eddie's mind catches up with the situation.
This is Buck he’s kissing–his best friend, Eddie and Chris' person.
He can't screw up what they have even more. Besides, Buck is currently dating somebody else. Someone who happens to be Eddie’s friend.
Reluctantly, Eddie pulls away. Buck opens his eyes slowly, plump lips shiny with spit, and looks up at Eddie breathless, confused and clearly turned on.
Eddie backs up, the panic from earlier returning tenfold. "Shit, Buck–I'm sorry–I'm so sorry!" In a rush, he untangles himself from Buck and runs through his front door, leaving behind a stunned Buck on the couch.