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Jonas and Tadej met on a Thursday morning.
A year and a half later, Jonas still remembers every single detail. It was raining that day, and although Jonas expected it when he accepted the scholarship to study in England for his master's degree, he couldn’t help finding it very annoying. His suitcase felt heavy in his hand, as he dragged it all over the campus. When he finally reached his dorm, he was soaked and awfully tired. His key was waiting for him at the front desk, where a nice lady gave him directions to find his new room. First floor, n°12.
And that’s where everything started.
A boy was already decorating his side of the room with posters on the walls. He was wearing some pair of grey joggers and a bright yellow t-shirt. Some loud music was blasting through a tiny speaker. The floor was covered with clothes, books and Jonas wanted to run far, far away from this mess. But then, the boy had turned around and Jonas just froze in place. Still to this day, he’s not sure why he didn’t shut the door and ran to the other side of the dorm to find another room. Maybe it was the eyes, blue and full of life. Maybe it was the hair, sticking in every direction, a few strands covering they boy's forehead. Or maybe it was his smile. His radiant, comforting and beautiful smile.
The boy had hurried towards Jonas and embraced him in a hug like he was reuniting with an old friend. “I’m Tadej, and you’re Jonas, right? Danish? I asked the lady, at the front desk. You are all wet! Do you want some tea? I brought my kettle. Or maybe you don’t like tea. I don’t know a lot about Danish people. I’m Slovenian. Not too far, eh?”
Tadej. Slovenian. The boy talked fast, moving his hands around like it would help Jonas understand him better. It did not. But it was endearing, and Jonas couldn’t help but feel warm despite the rain that kept on pouring outside.
***
“Come on, Jonas! It's going to be great, I promise!”
Jonas sighs heavily, his eyes not leaving his computer screen. He knew that Tadej was looking at him with a pout on his face and he was not strong enough to resist. He had learned from his mistakes over the past year.
“Wout will be here”, Tadej keeps on insisting as he searches for his jacket in a pile of dirty clothes. “You like him, no?”
And yeah, Wout was a good friend. But the idea of spending a Tuesday night sitting on a bar stool, sipping on a too warm beer, watching Tadej flirt with strangers made him want to scream. Or puke. It was already enough to wake up in the morning and see the empty bed on the opposite side of the room. No need to twist the knife.
“Of course I like Wout. But I really have to finish this paper...” It was kind of a lie. Jonas was particularly organized, and he always made sure to hand everything perfectly on time. Tadej knew that, of course. He knew Jonas better than anyone else on this campus. “Besides, you don’t need me to have fun”, Jonas can’t help but add. You have Jasper, Sepp, Mads. Fun people. Extroverts, just like you.
“I know”, Tadej answers as he ties his shoelaces. “But I like it better when you are there.”
God, Jonas thought. Tadej had no filter. He always said what was on his mind without thinking about it too much. Sometimes, it would sound weird or funny because of his broken English. But that’s what Jonas loved the most about Tadej. How honest he was. About his likings, his feelings. He was not afraid to cry or laugh really loudly.
At first, Jonas had been taken aback by his bluntness. But he got used to it. As well as he got used to the mess on Tadej’s side of the room, or the smell of his shower gel lingering in the bathroom. Or the weird sounds he made when he was falling asleep at night. Jonas can’t really pinpoint the exact moment, but eventually, Tadej became home. And it was quite frightening how Jonas had come to like him. To love him.
“You know it’s not my thing. I’m sorry”, Jonas sighs. Tadej rolls his eyes and climbs on Jonas’ bed, making sure his shoes don’t touch the blanket. He plants a kiss on Jonas’ cheek and hugs him close. “Don’t be sorry. I’ll be back soon, okay?”
And Jonas waited, as usual. That’s the thing with hope. It clings to you, to every cell of your body, until it becomes impossible to get rid of it. Jonas is a rational person. He studies sciences. He likes facts, and numbers and measurements. But when it came to Tadej, his brain seemed to just vanish. Only his heart could be heard, beating loudly in his chest, giving him chills and flutters in his stomach. At first, he had denied it. Because Tadej is three years younger than him. Because they’re polar opposites. Because in three months, Jonas will graduate and head back to Denmark.
But then, he had started to miss Tadej during the holidays. The sound of his laugh, the weird music he was into, the conversations they had late at night, when the darkness made it easier to talk about heavy things. The way Tadej curled up against him in the tiny bed, seeking comfort when he had a rough day. The tiny freckles that appeared on his cheeks and nose during summer. His heavy accent and how he always made sure to pronounce Jonas’ name the right way. He was in deep. He knew it. Tadej was his favorite person in the whole world. But they could never be more than friends. “Best friends”, Tadej had said when he introduced Jonas to his sister when she came to visit him. Because Tadej was a free spirit, his head full of dreams. He had the power to captivate people without even trying.
Tadej was special. And Jonas was not. Simple as that.
And Jonas would rather keep Tadej in his life as a friend than to not have him at all. So he waited for him when Tadej went out to party. He reassured him when Tadej came back from an exam looking defeated. He helped him during his hangovers and agreed to watch stupid TV shows on Sunday's afternoons. Jonas would probably do anything to make sure Tadej was happy.
Eventually, Tadej came crawling back in his bed around 3 a.m.
***
On the other side of the small table, Wout stares at Jonas with a deep frown on his face.
Jonas tries his best to ignore him. They had decided to meet at the campus’ coffee shop to take a break from studying. Finals were starting in just a few weeks and Jonas was drowning in a pile of biology books and essays to write. It was a nice change of scenery.
Except for the look on Wout’s face.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” Jonas finally asks, grabbing his mug full of hot tea to warm up his hands. Wout heavily sighs, crossing his arms on his chest. Oh no, Jonas thought. It was going to be a serious conversation.
“Tadej was pretty drunk, last night”, Wout begins. Something twists in Jonas’ gut, making him frown. “You know how he gets when he had too many beers. He talks. A lot.” Jonas shrugs. “He talks a lot even when he’s sober. Why are you telling me this? Did something happen?” Jonas’ chest quickly fills with dread. When he left for his early morning class, Tadej was still snoring in his bed. Jonas made sure to fill up his water bottle and put some pain killers on his bed side table. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Did he miss something?
Tadej was talkative. And particularly comfortable in any social situation. He liked to talk to everyone, dance with men and women, and had a habit of hooking up with strangers. Jonas never judged him for that, of course. It made him want to scream and kick things, but he always respected Tadej’s choices. But Tadej was nice. Too nice. And Jonas had always feared that someday, he would meet someone with bad intentions. Someone who would take advantage of him. Who would hurt him.
“No, nothing bad happened”, Wout quickly replies. “He talked a lot about you, actually.” Jonas blinks a few times, his body relaxing with relief. “About me?” Wout hums, sipping on his black coffee. “Yeah. Couldn’t stop talking about how smart you are. And how blue your eyes are.” Huh. That was new. “So I thought, you know, maybe something happened between the two of you.”
Jonas almost chokes on his tea. “What do you mean?” Wout sighs heavily, like he is pained to have this conversation. “You know what I mean”. And yeah, Jonas did know. Because he made a stupid mistake, months ago, and decided to talk to Wout about his stupid feelings for Tadej. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
“Nothing happened”, Jonas mumbles. “And nothing will ever happen. You know it.”
The front door opens, and a gust of wind enters the coffee shop. Jonas shivers in his seat. He didn’t want to talk about this. He was good at playing pretend and bottling up his emotions. He was doing fine. He just had to focus on his exams. Then he will have to go back to Denmark and find a job. Start a real adult life. Far from Tadej.
How was he supposed to do that?
“No, I don’t”. Wout’s voice was firm but calm. Jonas just stares at his mug, not brave enough to hold his friend’s gaze. “You’re the one who claims that. But you can’t be sure.”
Jonas’ mood starts to shift. He was not the kind of person who got angry easily. He was always calm, his emotions never overflowing. But he was tired. Exhausted. His thoughts were filled with Tadej spending the night in a stranger’s bed and he didn’t know how long he’ll be able to keep pretending. And Wout’s words were just twisting the knife in an already bleeding wound. So, maybe his tone was a bit harsh when he finally replied.
“You can’t tell me that. You know me. And you know him. So, you can’t sit here and tell me that I have a chance, because I don’t. I’ve made my peace with it. I leave in a few months. There’s no point dwelling on it.”
In the corner of his eyes, Jonas can see Wout shaking his head, but the Belgian does not insist.
***
Saturday afternoons were always dedicated to spending time together, just the two of them.
Sometimes, they would ride their bikes for hours, racing each other, arguing about who’s the fastest. Other times, when the weather was too bad to go out, they would just stay in their shared room and enjoy a movie marathon. It didn’t matter what they did, really. It was just about catching up from what happened during the week, talking about whatever was on their minds.
Those afternoons were precious for Jonas. He was not afraid to be fully himself with Tadej. To laugh in a weird way or to talk about things he was passionate about. Tadej always listened to him, his eyes sparkling, looking at Jonas like he was the most interesting person in the world.
Jonas was still sleeping when Tadej started jumping on his bed. He groans in his pillow, his eyes still firmly shut. “Come on Jonas, it’s not raining! We could go to the park. I want to go on the swing.” Jonas chuckles, finally rolling on his back and rubbing his eyes. Tadej was sitting on his heels, looking at Jonas with his big, blue eyes. “Those are for children, Tadej”, Jonas answers with a hoarse voice. “Who said that? There’s no age limit to have fun! Come on, get up.” And who was Jonas to argue?
That’s how they found themselves at the park a few hours later, Tadej laughing out loud on the swing. Sitting on a bench, Jonas couldn’t take his eyes off of him. Tadej’s world was full of bright colors, laughter and Jonas wanted to live in it for the rest of his life.
When Tadej jumped from the swing to join Jonas on the bench, his cheeks were flushed, and he was out of breath. Jonas thought he was beautiful.
“I think the parents are not too happy with me”, Tadej chuckles. Indeed, a few of them were looking at the pair with a frown on their faces, probably judging them. “There’s actually an age limit, you know? The sign said “from 3 to 12 years old””, Jonas points out. Tadej shrugs, grabbing a cookie from the bag they brought with them. “It’s stupid. I don’t like this rule.” “You don’t like any rule”, Jonas answers with a barely hidden smile.
The afternoon went by way too fast. Before they knew it, they were back to the dorm room, both their jeans covered in green from laying down on the grass. Tadej disappeared quickly in the bathroom, and Jonas collapsed on his bed, grabbing the book he was currently reading. Some science-fiction dystopia that Sepp had recommended to him. He was just starting chapter 13 when Tadej emerged from the bathroom, his towel hanging low on his hips, hair still damped from his shower.
Jonas almost drops his book, his cheeks quickly warming up to the sight of an almost naked Tadej, standing in front of him. It was stupid, really. He had seen Tadej shirtless before. They shared a room. But there was something about Tadej’s back muscles, tensing as he grabbed a sweatshirt from his closet, droplets of water running down his spine. Jonas was a weak man, and he wanted. Oh, how he wanted. He didn’t know what, exactly. It was more that physical attraction. Of course, Tadej was handsome. Gorgeous blue eyes, perfect smile, freckled cheeks. Jonas was not blind. But there was something else, something he couldn’t explain. It made him lay awake at night, thinking about Tadej’s hands on his body, about his lips on his neck. Jonas shakes his head, trying to erase those thoughts from his head, focusing on his book while Tadej was putting on his sweatpants.
“You’re not going out, tonight?” Jonas asks surprised with Tadej’s comfy outfit. “No, I want to stay here with you. Is that okay?” Jonas almost laughs, his heart filled with so much love that he felt like it could burst. “Of course it’s okay. It’s also your room, you know?” Tadej rolls his eyes, sitting comfortably on Jonas’ bed. “I don’t know, maybe you’re getting tired of me”, Tadej answers with a shrug. There was a smile on his face, but Jonas thought something was off. He frowns, putting his book down. “I could never get tired of you, Tadej.”
This time, Tadej’s smile reaches his eyes.
***
Cycling was like therapy for Jonas.
He could ride his bike for hours, lost in his own thoughts, focusing on the burning sensation spreading through his thighs. Growing up, he always felt out of place, like his body didn’t really belong to him. But on his bike, pedaling as fast as he could, he felt right. Free. Like an upgraded version of himself. More confident, more present. During those long rides, Jonas could forget about his anxiety. About his exams. About Denmark. About Tadej.
Don’t be ridiculous, he thought to himself while pedaling back towards the campus. He could never forget about Tadej. The Slovenian was always there, in the back of his mind. Of his heart. Jonas got used to it. Like a soundtrack, a chorus he knew the lyrics by heart. Like a drug, spreading through his body, hid bloodstream, until he has to face the ugly truth.
“Jonas! How was the ride?” Jonas easily recognizes Sepp’s voice and its heavy American accent. He pedals the last meters separating him from his friend, currently sitting at a table outside the campus’ coffee shop with Wout, Jasper and Tadej. Tadej. How stupid it is that his heart misses a beat when Tadej’s eyes land on him? Get a grip, Jonas.
“Hey”, Jonas says as he climbs off his bike. “Not bad. No rain, so that’s a win.” It’s actually a beautiful day. The sun is out, which means Jonas got hot pretty quickly during his ride. He takes off his helmet, running a hand through his damp hair. He takes advantage of the light breeze to unzip the top of his jersey, trying to cool down.
“I was just about to order another coffee. Do you want one?” Sepp asks as he stands up from his chair. Jonas nod with a thanks, and flops down on an empty seat next to Wout. When he looks up from taking off his gloves, he’s met with Tadej’s eyes, already watching him. The Slovenian has a weird look on his face, making Jonas frown.
“Is everything ok?” Jonas asks, putting his gloves on the table. Tadej follows every movement with his big, blue eyes, his gaze travelling from Jonas’ hands to his forearms, his chest, then finally, his face. “Tadej?” Jonas insists when the younger one stays silent. Finally, Tadej seems to come to his senses. He blinks a few times then smiles like nothing happened. “Yeah, great. I’m great. Everything’s fine.”
Next to him, Jasper is trying to hide a chuckle behind his cup of coffee. “I think Tadej needs a break from the sun. Heatstrokes can be dangerous”, Jasper says with a smirk. Tadej’s face becomes bright red, which makes Jasper doubles in laughter. “Shut up”, Tadej snaps back, crossing his arms against his chest like a child.
“Am I missing something?” Jonas asks, eyebrow raised in confusion. “Nothing. Just the kids being annoying”, Wout answers.
And just like that, Tadej and Jasper start to ramble about how they are full grown adults, mature and responsible. Jonas watches them bicker and smiles to himself.
Oh, how he’s going to miss this.
***
Jonas is trying very hard to ignore Tadej’s sighs and frustrating grunts as the younger one is studying, but it is becoming particularly difficult to stay focused on his own tasks. Tadej’s books are scattered all over the floor, along with sheets of paper and highlighters.
“Do you need help?” Jonas offers from his bed, where he is sitting with his laptop perched on his knees. “I need a fucking miracle”, Tadej grumbles while lying face down on the floor. Jonas chuckles. “Come here, take a break.” Tadej rolls on his back with a dramatic sigh, then finally gets up from the bedroom’s floor.
“What are you working on?” Tadej asks while climbing on Jonas’ bed, his back against the wall. He looks like a curious kid, with his messy hair and oversized sweater. Jonas wants to hug him tight and never let go. “Nothing. I’m looking for job openings in Copenhagen.” A heavy silent fills the room, which is a very uncommon thing when Tadej is around. Jonas lowers his laptop screen, eyes burning from too many hours of research. Next to him, Tadej i fiddling with a piece of paper, folding it into tiny pieces. He’s frowning, which again, was very unusual.
“Tadej? Is everything ok?” Jonas asks, setting his laptop on his bedside table. Tadej hums, his gaze not leaving his lap, and Jonas sighs. He knew Tadej like the back of his hand. “Come on, tell me. What’s going on?” Tadej chews on his lower lip, clearly debating on what he was going to say. Jonas waits, letting his friend gather his thoughts. He would always wait for Tadej. Finally, Tadej looks up and his eyes meet Jonas’. “You’re going to leave. You’re going back to Denmark.” Jonas stays silent, waiting for Tadej to elaborate, but nothing else comes.
“Yes? I mean, Wout is also going back to Belgium. And Sepp to the US.” They were almost done with their master’s degree. Some of their classmates were staying here, in the UK, but Jonas never considered this option. The plan was simple: study abroad for a year or two, come back with an interesting resume and start off his new career. “It’s just that...” Tadej starts, his hand still playing with that little piece of paper. Jonas never witnessed Tadej being so hesitant, almost at loss for words. “It feels like yesterday, when we first met. And now, you’re going to leave. Who’s going to make sure I don’t fail my exams? And eat my vegetables?” Jonas chuckles, despite the bile rising in his throat. “You’ll have another roommate...” “I don’t want another roommate! I...”
Tadej quickly gets up from the bed and starts pacing the room. He does that a lot, when his thoughts are becoming too much and he needs to move his body to calm himself down.
“Tadej, it’s okay. I’m sure you’ll have a great roommate. Maybe someone who enjoys partying. You get along with everybody, you’ll be fine.”
Jonas tries. He really tries to make sure his voice doesn’t waver. He keeps a reassuring smile on his face and hopes his eyes are not betraying him. Because this fucking hurts. Imagining someone else, on his side of the room. Talking with Tadej every day of the week, sharing a bed with him, hearing his laugh echoing the small room and witness his weird dancing moves.
It’s not okay. Jonas is not fine, he’s not going to be fine.
But he gets up from the bed to stand in front of Tadej, his hands resting on the Slovenian’s shoulders.
“You have plenty of friends here. They’ll be here for you. And you can still call me when you need, yeah?”
Tadej’s eyes are filled with unshed tears but he simply nods. He looks defeated, tired.
“Yeah, okay.”
***
The music is too loud for Jonas’ liking. The small living room is full of students sipping on cheap beers and trying to forget about their upcoming exams and important life choices. Jonas had tried to skip the party, but Sepp wouldn’t take “no” for an answer, insisting on “enjoying our time together while we can”. Jonas thought it was a bit dramatic. They were not going to die. They would just graduate. Maybe Jonas was avoiding all these social gatherings because they reminded him that soon, it will be over. No more late-night studying sessions with Sepp, no more bike rides with Wout. No more falling asleep and waking up in the same room as Tadej. That one hurt the most, if he was honest with himself.
Tadej, on the other hand, seemed to handle the situation pretty well after his meltdown a few days ago. The Slovenian's tongue is currently exploring another guy’s mouth in the corner of the tiny kitchen, and Jonas has to fight the urge to throw up on Sepp’s carpet. Tadej was a flirt, it was no secret. But it seemed that for the past few weeks, he had been trying hard to hook up with the whole campus. He was partying a lot more than before, getting drunk several nights per week and maybe Jonas was getting paranoid, but Tadej acted like he was trying to avoid him. Which was weird, because Tadej used to be clingy and touchy, always climbing in Jonas’ bed, not caring about personal space.
He was still deep in thought when Sepp appeared next to him, sitting on the couch. “You should stop looking at him like that. Unless you plan of doing something", Sepp says before taking a sip of his beer. Jonas groans and sits back in the couch, hoping it would swallow him whole. “You sound like Wout”. In the kitchen, Tadej is still talking to this tall, handsome guy, built like he could be a football player. And a freaking model. And Jonas never had any issues with his body but right now, he feels small, too skinny, too blonde, too pale, and just not enough. He’ll never be enough for someone like Tadej.
"I’m tired”, Jonas suddenly announces. “I’m heading back to my room.” “Wait”, Sepp grabs his wrist. “Stay a bit more. You deserve to have fun.” Jonas shakes his head, a lump forming in his throat. “I just want to sleep right now. Sorry Sepp. I’ll catch up with you later, thanks for the invite.” Jonas doesn’t wait for an answer and gets up from the couch too quickly. His head is spinning as he crosses the living room, and he can’t blame it on the alcohol. Maybe it’s just the sadness making him drunk. Or love. What a cliché.
It’s raining outside, but the fresh air is a relief. Jonas pulls his hood over his head and starts walking towards the campus. He barely hears the front door opening and closing behind him, then a voice calls his name.
“Jonas, wait!”
Tadej is almost running to catch up with him, wearing only a t-shirt and Jonas frowns. “Tadej? You’re gonna get sick, get back inside.” “Why are you leaving?” Tadej asks, his eyes unfocused, strand of hair sticking up to his forehead.
“I’m tired,” Jonas shrugs, not really understanding why Tadej is here, under the pouring rain. “Get back inside, you shouldn’t miss the party.”
“But you didn’t say goodbye.”
Jonas freezes in place. Tadej’s voice is small, insecure and so unlike him. This whole conversation is unusual and Jonas is just tired. “Tadej, last time I checked, you were sucking a random’s guy tongue. I didn’t want to interrupt.”
And maybe Jonas could have been nicer. Add a little smile or a laugh to show Tadej that he was joking. But the situation is not funny anymore. Tadej is following him in the rain just because he didn’t say goodbye and he starts to lose his fucking mind.
“Is that what you’re planning to do, next month? Just leave and jump on a plane to go back to Denmark without saying goodbye?” Tadej sounds angry, and Jonas has to take a step back because things are taking a weird turn.
“What are you talking about?” Jonas raises his voice to be heard above the rain. Tadej is soaked now, his blue t-shirt clinging to his body. In any other situation, Jonas would have blushed and try to not stare at his chest but right now, he just tries to understand his best friend.
“You’re looking at job’s offers and... And you’re planning your future life like... Like I don’t belong in it anymore!” Tadej shouts, his voice echoing the small alley.
“What am I supposed to do? I’m graduating in a month, of course I have to think about my future! Why are you acting like I’m abandoning you?” Jonas shouts back, anger starting to boil in his stomach.
“Because you are! You never considered staying in England!”
“Why would I stay here? It was the plan, you-”
“Because of me! You could stay for me, Jonas!”
Tadej’s breathing is fast now, and Jonas is not sure the water running down his cheeks is only coming from the rain. Jonas’ mind is a complete mess and every word coming from Tadej’s doesn’t make any sense.
“Tadej, I don’t... You’ve spent the last weeks avoiding me, and now you want me to stay for you?”
“I did not avoid you”, Tadej snaps back while crossing his arms against his chest in a defensive gesture.
“Stop that, we both know you’re lying. What’s the real problem, Tadej? Everything was fine until a few weeks ago. Did I do something? Did something happen with somebody else? You know you can-”
“Nothing happened. Forget about it”, Tadej sighs, closing his eyes for a brief moment. “I’m heading back inside.”
“Tadej, wait,” Jonas tries to grab his hand but Tadej takes a step back, shaking his head.
“It’s okay, I’m sorry. I’m a bit drunk. I’ll see you later, yeah?”
Minutes later, Jonas is still standing in the rain. His chest feels heavy and empty at the same time. Tadej’s words are still echoing in his head.
You could stay for me, Jonas.
***
Jonas barely sees Tadej.
His days are filled with studying, exams and preparing for the graduation ceremony. Sepp is buzzing with energy, talking about the after party. Jonas couldn’t care less about it.
Because Tadej is not talking to him. Well, he is, technically. From an outside perspective, nothing has changed. Tadej goes out a lot, then comes back to the room smiling and chatting about random things. He’s still blasting loud music in the bathroom. He’s still watching his stupid TV shows.
But Jonas knows. He knows something is different. Broken. And it kills him inside. So he acts like a coward and decides to ignore it. He answers when Tadej talks to him. He smiles. He doesn’t bat an eye when Tadej comes back with hickeys on his neck. He feels like a character from a movie, sticking to his lines and neutral expressions.
Maybe it’ll be easier this way. Leaving England and Tadej.
He knows it won’t.
***
A club has been rented for the graduation party. Jonas has to be honest, the place is quite nice. Not too crowded, good music. By 11pm, Sepp is drunk and Jonas is having the time of his life snapping pictures of him dancing like a maniac.
He talks to people from his class, sharing their future projects. A weight has been lifted from his shoulders: he has made it. He graduated. The hard work paid off and there’s something so right about following a carefully laid out plan. Jonas followed every step, checking every point of his list. He should feel fully accomplished. Free.
And yeah, he feels better. But there’s something off. Something missing. He knows what it is but pretends it isn’t there. It doesn’t matter anymore. He’ll leave soon. In fact, he has a job interview in Denmark in two weeks. Everything is great.
“I thought Tadej was supposed to come tonight”, Wout says before ordering another drink. Jonas is sipping on his soda, watching people dance to an upbeat song.
“Something came up”, Jonas shrugs. “Probably a date”, he adds bitterly.
“Jasper told me Tadej has not been doing good lately."
“Really? I haven’t noticed”. It’s petty and low. “You two have been attached to the hip for the past two years. I know you know.”
Jonas sighs, putting his drink down on the bar. “It’s me, alright? He’s been weird because of me.”
“What happened?” Wout asks. For a moment, Jonas thinks he’s going to get up and leave. He doesn’t want to talk about it. But his gut tells him to. So he gives up.
“We had an argument, at Sepp’s party. He was angry at me.”
“Why?”
“Because he wanted me to stay here. In England. For him.”
Wout almost chokes on his drink. He coughs a few times, his eyes wide.
“Shit, are you okay?”
“What the hell, Jonas? He told you he wanted you to stay and... Oh god, what did you say to him?"
“I asked him what was wrong with him”, Jonas mumbled, feeling small under Wout’s gaze. “But he had been avoiding me for weeks! And kissing guys in kitchens and I... I just didn’t get it, okay?”
Jonas stares at his soda and decides he needs something stronger. He orders a tequila shot and downs it in one gulp. The liquid burns his throat but it’s a good distraction.
“Jonas, you are the smartest person I know. And the also the dumbest”, Wout says as he orders a shot for himself.
“Thanks”, Jonas groans. “I like you too.”
“Listen, here’s what you are going to do”, Wout starts with a serious look on his face. “You’re going to find Tadej, and tell him you love him. You’re going to pour your little heart out with a big confession.”
“I’m not doing that”, Jonas interrupts. But Wout keeps on going without a care in the world.
“Worst case scenario: he’s not feeling the same thing, which is highly unlikely by the way, and you go back to Denmark. Best case scenario: he loves you the same way, you kiss and stay together forever.”
“Wow, that’s a bit dramatic”, Jonas points out. The idea of confessing his love to Tadej makes his head spin a little.
“All I’m saying is that you have nothing to lose.”
“Yes, I do. Our friendship. And it’s worth so much more than any stupid crush...”
“But it’s not a stupid crush though, is it? You’re in love. And it’s killing you. You’ll never get over it if you don’t try. If you go back to Denmark without looking back, you are going to regret it. The question is: will you be able to live with that?”
Jonas stays silent. Wout’s words are swimming in his head, as well as Tadej’s laugh, and something snaps in him. He feels like the air is suffocating him. His own skin seems uncomfortable. The lights are suddenly too bright and nothing makes sense.
“Jonas, hey, are you okay?” Wout asks, concern written all over his face.
“I... I need to find Tadej”, Jonas stutters while getting up from the bar stool.
“What, right now? Dude, I didn’t mean to freak you out. It can wait tomorrow.”
“No, I need to do it right now. I don’t think I'll have the courage if I wait.”
“Okay, great, it’s great!” Wout tries to cheer him up. “But you don’t even know where he is.”
“Oh, right,” Jonas deflates. He’s not sure he can keep up with all those emotions.
“Come on, let’s go outside. I’ll call Jasper.”
Wout grab’s Jonas’ arm and heads towards the front door. Somewhere in the crowd, they find Sepp, who decides to tag along with them, bouncing on his feet like a happy kid.
“What are we doing?” Sepp asks when they’re finally outside the club.
“We’re on a mission to help Jonas confess his love to Tadej”, Wout explains as he reaches for his phone in his back pocket.
“Oh my god, finally!” Sepp is jumping up and down and Jonas is too nervous to say something about it. He just stares as Wout, watching his friend handling the situation with unwavering concentration.
“Hey, Jasp”, Wout says as he taps quickly on his phone. “You’re on speaker. I’m with Jonas and Sepp.”
“Hi Jasper!” Sepp shouts way too loudly.
“Ouch, my ear”, Jasper grumbles through the phone. “What’s going on? Are you all drunk? I need videos.”
“Only Sepp is. But that’s not the point. Where is Tadej?” Wout asks. Jonas is not sure he’s ever seen him that determined about something. He doesn’t know if he should feel flattered or scared.
“Tadej? Why? You’re freaking me out!” Jasper’s voice is tense but Wout doesn’t try to reassure him. “I’ll explain later. Do you know where he is?”
“Yeah, he’s just in his room. He didn’t feel like going out tonight, which is weird, right? Something is definitely going on."
"Yeah, we know. We are trying to change that, actually. Thank you Jasp, see you later.”
Then Wout hangs up with a smirk on his face. “Well, now it’s up to you, champ.”
“Go and get your man!” Sepp cheers with a ‘whoop whoop’ for good measure.
“Yeah, I’m... I’m going to do this. I can do this”, Jonas says as a way to build some courage. He looks up at his friends, who have been by his side for the past two years, supporting him when he felt homesick, accepting his shy personality without trying to change him. He feels emotional and he doesn’t care if it shows.
Jonas gathers them in his arms for a group hug, which is something he never did. “Thank you”, he whispers. “Thank you, for everything.”
“Stop that, you’re going to make me cry”, Sepp complains, already sniffling. “Sorry, sorry,” Jonas apologies, wiping his own cheeks.
“Now go”, Wout tells him with a stern voice, but his eyes are warm and a smile is tugging at his lips.
***
The dorm is oddly silent for a Friday night. It seems that every student has decided to go out to celebrate the end of the year. Except for one, Jonas knows. His steps sound loud in the hallway, but his heart is beating way louder. If something goes wrong, he had already planned to spend the night at Sepp’s place. He would not be able to face a rejection from Tadej then sleep in the same room. He’s not that strong.
The number “12” is still pinned to the door, as well as a picture of Tadej and Jonas. Tadej had insisted on it during their first year as roommates, “to make people jealous of us and how much fun we have”.
In a way, Jonas feels like he’s back to that Thursday morning, almost two years ago. Scared, excited, jumping into the unknown. After two deep breaths, he finally opens the door.
The lamp on Tadej’s bedside table is the only source of light in the room. Everything is quiet. Jonas’ side of the room is tidied up, some belongings already put in boxes. The only personal item left is a picture frame on his desk. Tadej and himself, again.
“Jonas?”
Tadej is emerging from underneath the blanket, eyes red and puffy. He’s wearing one of Jonas’ sweatshirt. He looks awfully sad. And so, so beautiful.
“Hey”, Jonas manages to say. His voice sounds foreign to his own ears.
“What are you doing here?” Tadej asks. “You’re supposed to be at the party.”
“I love you”, Jonas blurts out.
Well.
That was not the plan.
There’s a frown on Tadej’s face, but also a flicker of something in his eyes and Jonas’ chest fills with hope.
“What?” Tadej whispers, fists clenched on his blanket.
“I love you”, Jonas repeats. “Oh god, it feels so good to say it out loud. I’m in love with you, Tadej. I’ve been in love with you for quite a long time, actually. And... And you probably don’t feel the same way. Because I’m, well, me. And you’re you. And it’s okay. But I’m going back to Denmark in a week and I just... I couldn’t keep it to myself anymore. So, yeah. I love you.”
Jonas feels lightheaded. He could easily faint right now. But Tadej just looks at him, his blue eyes wide opened, his mouth agape. It would be funny if Jonas didn’t just confess his love in the most awkward way. After a few seconds of silence, Jonas’ initial confidence turns into something sour, until he’s left with a nauseating feeling.
It’s over. He definitely has nothing else to lose.
So he keeps talking.
He’ll be gone in a week, anyway.
“I love your smile and how it makes me feel warm inside. I love your laugh, even when it’s in the middle of the library. I love your passion, your kindness, the way you live your life like there’s no tomorrow. You’ve inspired me so much these past two years. To be bold, to enjoy little things. And I feel so grateful, because I had the chance to meet you. To fall in love with you.”
There are tears falling on Tadej’s cheeks now, and Jonas is maybe crying too. Who cares.
“You’ll do great in this world, Tadej. You’re the most special person I’ve ever met.”
Time seems to slow down as the two of them look at each other. Jonas tries his best to not break down into ugly sobs. He can hold it until he’s back at Sepp’s flat. Then, he would be able to scream in a pillow. Because Tadej is still completely silent and it speaks louder than any word.
Jonas tries to swallow the lump in his throat as he turns back to the door, ready to leave the room. It seems to work as a wake-up call for Tadej, as the Slovenian struggles to detangle himself from his blanket.
“No, Jonas, wait I- Shit, stupid blanket”, Tadej’s words are a mix of English and Slovenian and for a moment, Jonas thinks the younger one is going to fall down headfirst on the floor.
“Tadej, it’s okay, you don’t need to-”
“No, you said what you wanted to say. It’s my turn now.”
There was a new determination in Tadej’s eyes as he finally got up from the bed to stand in front of Jonas. His cheeks were flushed and wet and his hair looked so soft. Jonas had to fight against the urge to extend his hand and just touch.
“I told you I wanted you to stay, and you’re here telling me you love me and assuming I don’t feel the same?”
“But I-”
“Stop interrupting me, for god’s sake!”
Then Tadej takes another step, grabbing Jonas’ face into the palms of his hands, and then just kisses him.
Jonas blanks out for a short second, breathless, as he feels Tadej’s warm lips against his own. He’s dreaming. He has to be dreaming, right? It’s not possible. There’s no way Tadej is-
“I love you too, you idiot”, Tadej whispers before leaning in and capturing Jonas’ lips again.
This time, Jonas remembers how to move. His hands find Tadej’s waist, pulling him close toward his body. Jonas had imagined this moment so many times. In his dreams, or during the day when he would watch Tadej talk and wouldn’t be able to focus on anything else but his plump lips. But the real thing is so, so much better than any fantasy.
Because Tadej’s lips seem to perfectly fit against his own. It’s like their mouths are speaking on their own, exploring each other, but knowing each other perfectly at the same time. It’s unreal. It’s better than any feeling in the world. It’s the only thing Jonas wants to do for the rest of his life. Tadej’s fingers are playing with the hair on the back of his neck and Jonas should be ashamed that a simple touch is already making him half-hard, but his heart and his whole body are just so full of love and joy and pleasure that he doesn’t even care. He just wants to feel Tadej’s skin under his fingers, to taste every corner of his mouth until they become one.
Eventually, they have to break the kiss to take a breather and Jonas suddenly thinks the need for air is just not that important.
“Took you long enough”, Tadej says in between short breaths.
“You were the one hooking up with everyone but me”, Jonas tries to defend himself. “What was I supposed to think?”
“I was just trying to distract myself from all those feelings”, Tadej mutters, lowering his gaze to the ground. “You’re so smart and ambitious and interesting, I just thought... You would want to be with someone more mature. Someone less... I don’t know. Less like me.”
“You’re perfect, Tadej. You’re perfect for me.”
Tadej’s eyes are on him again, and they seem to hold so many things, so many words, so many feelings. And Jonas just gets him. Because he knows Tadej, had seem him cry and laugh and act like a fool and fall from his bed in the middle of the night because he moves too much in his sleep.
“But you're still leaving”, Tadej says, his voice trembling. His arms are hanging around Jonas’ neck and it feels like they were always supposed to be there.
“I don’t have to”, Jonas answers without thinking. And it hits him. He doesn’t have to leave. He doesn’t want to leave.
“What?” Tadej’s eyes are wide again.
“You said it, before. I could stay, for you.”
“No, Jonas, it’s... You have a job interview next week.”
“I can cancel it. Find a job here.”
“But it’s not what you want! You wanted to go home, you-”
“I want to be with you. My home... It’s here, now. Do you really think I wanted to go back to Denmark? I just thought it would be easier to deal with my feelings if I was away from you.”
Tadej’s eyes are filled with tears again but his smile is radiant and Jonas wants to kiss him again. “God, Jonas... We’ve been so stupid”, Tadej laughs.
Jonas laughs with him, because he’s right, and he feels so light. Like he could do anything he wants. Achieve any goal. Move any mountain. Because Tadej is here, in his arms, laughing and crying and it’s perfect.
“But you’re the one who’s been brave”, Tadej adds.
“You’re the one making me brave.”
“You’re such a dork”, Tadej snorts but his smile is fond.
“But you love me”, Jonas whispers in his ear, his own heart still beating loudly in his chest.
“So much”, Tadej answers, a bit breathless.
That night, they don’t sleep much. They just spend hours in the same bed, kissing and talking about the future until the sun is rising in the horizon and their eyelids are too heavy to fight the exhaustion.
***
“I can’t believe I graduated. Honestly, I thought I would have dropped out on the first year.”
“Stop it”, Jonas scolds Tadej, who’s comfortably lying against his chest. “You’re not the kind to just give up. Actually, I don’t think I’ve ever met someone as stubborn as you.”
“I don’t know if I should take it as a compliment or not”, Tadej snorts.
“A compliment, of course”, Jonas smiles. He plants a kiss on Tadej’s forehead for good measure.
They lay there in the silence of Jonas’ bedroom, both naked under the heavy blanket. It’s Jonas’ favorite kind of moments. The peacefulness that comes after sex, the intimacy and the comfort of a cuddle after the intensity of an orgasm. Joans doesn’t know which part he loves the most.
“It will be weird to leave the dorm room”, Tadej says. “And to look for an apartment to live in.”
After his own graduation, Jonas had searched for a place to live and found a two-bedroom apartment, not too far from the campus to be able to see Tadej almost every day. When he thought about it, they were practically living together. Tadej spent most of his free time at Jonas’ place, sleeping in his bed almost every night. His clothes were scattered on his bedroom’s floor, his toothbrush was in the bathroom, his favorite cereals in the cupboard.
That’s why Jonas suggested the obvious.
“You should move in with me”, Jonas says.
Tadej sits up quickly, the blanket falling from his chest. He looks quite shocked at the idea and Jonas frowns. “You already have a key. And half of my closet is full of your clothes.”
“It’s not true!”
“Tadej, I’m not saying it’s a bad thing. I love having your stuff here. And I love you. If you want to search for your own place, that’s okay, but-”
In one second, Tadej is laying on top of him, covering his face with kisses. “You’re so stupid”, Tadej mutters in between kisses. “Of course I want to move in with you. But wait”, Tadej sits up again, his thighs spread on each side of Jonas’ hips and Jonas is trying really hard to not moan right now. “Are you sure about it? I mean, you won’t get tired of me? I know I can be a lot and...” *
In one swift movement, Jonas manages to switch up their positions and ends up on top of Tadej. “You’re so stupid”, Jonas says before diving in and capturing Tadej’s lips in a heated kiss. He can feel Tadej’s smile and for a moment, he hopes time stops so he could stay here forever. But the idea of building a life with Tadej is much more appealing.
Suddenly, growing old doesn’t seem so bad.
***
Jonas and Tadej met on a Thursday morning.
They kissed for the first time on a Friday night.
They officially moved in together on a Sunday.
Jonas asked Tadej to marry him on a Tuesday night.
(Tadej cried a lot and got a bit mad that Jonas had been braver than him, again.)
(But he was the one who suggested that they should adopt a child together on a Thursday morning and somehow, that seemed to even things out.)