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There's no stopping a random breakdown when it happens. When it's the middle of night and you're overthinking your life and you read that one random sentence on the internet that triggers you.
That's how Gyeoul ended up as a crying mess in her bed at 2 AM.
No one knows but she gets darks days too. She just got used to keeping it to herself and crying alone. She got so used to comforting herself and keeping things on her own. When you see Gyeoul on the outside, you see a very headstrong, independent woman. But if you get a chance to peek into her mind, you'll see a chaos you'll never understand because she, too, has a hard time making sense of it.
I deserve to live too.
That's the sentence that triggered it all. Gyeoul was feeling a little guilty for snapping at her mom over the phone that afternoon. Yes, it was something trivial, but Gyeoul was tired and hungry and...tired. So she let's that guilt eat her until it's midnight and she's all alone in her room.
It's your mom's first time living too.
Gyeoul knew nothing but pain and fear as a child. No one comforted her. Mom was busy being a punching bag, dad was busy hurting mom. That was always the scenario. But no one tended to little Gyeoul.
Little Gyeoul who learned to cry in silence so as not to piss off her dad and make her mom feel bad. Little Gyeoul who learned to bottle everything up because she knows no one cared enough for her. My little Gyeoul is so brave. She'll be alright. But she's not. In fact, everything was not alright.
Gyeoul understands that her mom was finally free from that monster. She gets to live freely. And this time, Gyeoul thought that being an over-bearing, over-giving child will make up for that guilt stemming from the thought that she left her mom all alone to pursue her dream.
Until it all became tiring. Until living felt like a chore.
I deserve to live too.
And now here she is, crying and hating herself for doing so.
She had no idea how much time had passed. She was so busy fighting off all the bad thoughts in her mind, until she felt the familiar strong arm around her waist pulling her closer to his strong, sturdy chest.
Why can't I just stop crying? I don't need him to see me like this. He doesn't deserve this.
He waited a while, just let her cry and let it all out. His Gyeoul is always so well-composed, so strong, and so brave. But he could see it in her eyes, those moments when it all becomes too much for her and she has to hold it all in.
He wished she didn't, because he wants to let her know that he is her safe space. She can cry, she can vent, she can scream -- everything. Maybe this was the right time.
They planned to leave the hospital together that night, have dinner and then drop her home. However, an emergency surgery on his end prevented them from doing so.
"You should go and head home, Gyeoul. You need to rest." He said to a pouty Gyeoul. He badly wanted to kiss that pout away, but they were at the hospital.
"We can't even do dinner." She sulked.
He can't help but chuckle at her cuteness. "Sorry, love. I miss our dinners too."
"It's not your fault." She said, finally smiling at him.
"I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" He held her hand, squeezing it a little.
She smiled again, showing those dimples that he loves so much. "Okay. See you tomorrow."
It was a little past 2 AM when his surgery ended. He didn't know what it was, but something was just telling him to go and see Gyeoul. So after doing all the necessary post-op procedures, he hurriedly changed his clothes and drove to Gyeoul's apartment.
And boy was he glad he did.
He heard her soft sobs the moment he opened her bedroom door. To be honest, he was a little taken aback, a little unsure of what to do. He's only seen Gyeoul cry one time and that was when she confessed to him. Sure, he's seen her sad or upset a few times, but not like this.
So he did what he thought was best at that moment - to hold her, and make her feel that she's not alone.
They stayed like that for a while. Gyeoul was too embarrassed to face him. Too embarrassed that she allowed herself to be like this in front of him.
But all the embarrassment went out the window when she heard his soft, comforting voice.
"What's wrong, love?" And that only made her cry even more.
How can she explain what's going on inside her head when she herself can't understand it?
"Why is my Gyeoul crying, hmm?" He prodded again.
Finally, Gyeoul turned around and buried her face on his chest. "Oppa.."
"Hmm?"
"I deserve to live too." She continued to cry.
Jeongwon was a little surprised, but he eventually understood.
"I deserve to live too." He heard her say again, only softer this time. It was more like saying it to herself than to him.
He held her tighter, wanting to protect her from all the unseen enemies that she has. This is their battle, not just hers.
"Of course you do, love." He whispered. "Of course you do. You deserve to live, to thrive, to smile, to love. You deserve everything good, my love."
Come hell or high water, I will make sure you get all of that, Gyeoul.
It took a while before Gyeoul finally stopped crying. Now they're in the kitchen, with Gyeoul sat on the counter, waiting as Jeongwon fills a glass of water.
"Drink as much as you can, okay?" He said as he hands her the glass.
Gyeoul drank little by little and eventually emptied the glass. Only then did she realize that all of that crying made her so thirsty.
They were quiet as Jeongwon placed the glass the on the sink. They remained quiet as Jeongwon stood in front of her and held hands as if they were the most the precious thing he has ever held in his life.
But that ain't a lie though. She's the most precious person in his life.
"Come here." He then pulled her a little, prompting her to hop off the kitchen counter and stand in front of him. The next thing she knew, she was back in the safety of his arms. Her favorite place.
"Gyeoul..." One of his arm was securely around her back, while the other was on her head, giving it a comforting rub. Their bodies swaying a little, like he's lulling a baby to sleep.
"When things get too much, when your thoughts start to drown you, always remember that you can call me. Any time."
"You don't have to explain, you don't have to say a word. Just grab my hand and we'll go through it together. You're not alone anymore, Gyeoul. Whether you're hurting, crying, happy, struggling, angry-- I'm here for everything. I'm here for you always, and I'm proud of you."
You see, Gyeoul is not a believer of miracles. Little Gyeoul stopped believing that good things can happen to her a long time ago, and big Gyeoul was too logical to believe in these sort of things.
But maybe, just maybe, this one miracle she could believe - the miracle that is Ahn Jeongwon. Yes, he is definitely her miracle.