Work Text:
“Dean! Leave me be! I need to go see him! I need to make sure he is okay!” Sam had cried out. He needed to go see this angel. He needed to make sure he was okay.
When Sam was finally able to get away from Dean, he ran. He ran faster than he had ever done so in his life. He burst into the door and was stopped dead in his tracks at the scene in front of him.
Sam couldn’t believe it. The man – the angel – that he loved, was now dead. And he couldn’t help but blame himself.
Lucifer had gotten to him. Gabe had died protecting his stupid ass. He should have been the one saving Gabe. He should have been able to help the angel. But he couldn’t. Now, the burn marks of his golden wings were on the floor of the room and he laid lifeless on the ground, his once honey eyes that held the entire Sun in them, were empty. They weren’t the eyes that Sam had fallen in love with; they couldn’t be.
“Gabe?” the Winchester said, a sob threatening to escape his lips. His bottom lip trembled as he walked closer to the lifeless vessel that Gabriel had once occupied. “Gabriel?” he whispered once again. He kneeled next to the body and looked around for any sign of the real trickster. This couldn’t be him. It couldn’t be! This had to be some cruel joke. Gabe can’t be dead.
After just a minute, Sam wept as he realized there would not be another Gabriel coming out from hiding to tell him that it was a trick. The love of his life was actually dead. Gabriel, the archangel, was dead. He wept. He wept and he wept, clutching to the angel’s jacket.
“Goddammit, this is all my fault. I should have never left. I should have stayed and fought with you. I should never have fucking left you alone. I’m so sorry that I did this to you. I love you, Gabe. I don’t know how I’m going to live without you.” He cried out. He couldn’t live without his angel.
He laid there, weeping, for several minutes before Dean had finally come in, already knowing what had happened due to his brother’s long absence, to bring him out of the room. No matter if he liked the guy or not, he made his brother happy. And if Sammy was happy, Dean didn’t care, he was happy.
“Sam. Come on. We need to go.” Dean said softly, trying to convince the younger Winchester to leave the room.
“What about Gabe?” the youngest mumbled, sniffling as he looked up at his older brother.
“We can take him and give him a hunter’s burial. It’s the least we can do.” Sam nodded and stood up, looking down at the body. He looked over to the wing burns. He remembers when he was able to see those wings. It was in a dream but Gabe had been able to show him. They were so gorgeous. Sam started to tear up, again, at the memory of all the great times Gabriel and him had together.
Dean noticed and pulled his brother into a hug. The kind of hug that Dean only gave when he felt it was needed. One that made Sam feel small yet safe. He sobbed into his brother’s shoulder, shaking from the force of it.
“Come on, Sammy. We need to give him his proper burial. And we need to break the news to Cas.” Dean tried to imagine the look on his lovers face once he told him that his brother was gone. He knew he would break down. Castiel had always told Dean that, out of the four archangels, Gabe was his favorite. He was the one that understood him more. Dean didn’t want to tell him, but he knew he had to.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sam could only stare into the flames that incased the body. He wished he were burning right there next to the angel, all so he didn’t feel the aching pain in his heart at this moment. He just wanted this all to be some sick joke that the angel decided to pull on the Winchesters and his brother.
Cas hadn’t taken the news too well. He broke down and fell to the ground, sobbing into his hands. The craziest part was when his wings and come into view and were wrapping around the vessel, making the glow of him less bright. It was an angels equivalent to a broken heart. Only, theirs is a bit more visible.
Castiel was pressed up against Dean and Bobby was standing next to them. Bobby had been a bit less distraught about the death of the archangel, but he knew how much Sam was hurting. He could tell by the look in the boy’s eyes and the deep frown on his face. So, he agreed to be there for the funeral.
Soon enough, the other three had went back inside, for the reason being that the fire had gone out as it had started to rain. But, Sam stayed, looking at the pile of ask that was now on the grass in the yard, knowing that it was Gabriel laying there, burnt. He was gone. He was actually gone.
For the second time that night, Sam fell to his knees and sobbed. He couldn’t take it. The man that he loved was now gone. And he wouldn’t be coming back.
Dean came out after about twenty minutes and gathered Sam up. Sam may be a tall son of a bitch, but Dean could still carry him.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The next four months were the worst months in Sam’s life. He had started to drink heavily, having four glasses an hour just to numb the pain. He had also started the act of self-harm, as it was easy since he had knives and lighters everywhere. All up and down his arms and thighs were cuts, not just horizontal ones but also diagonal and vertical ones, and burns, making it look like he was attacked by a fire creature with razors for hands. Dean refused to let him do any of the physical hunting; he was stuck on research duty with Bobby.
In a shorter version, Sam was the opposite of okay.
Every night, he cried out for Gabe. He had taken the jacket the angel was wearing that night and kept it. He always had it when he went to bed. It, of course, didn’t fit him, so he couldn’t wear it at all. But, he was able to cuddle close to it when he wanted.
Dean had to come and hold Sam, singing ‘Hey Jude’ as he tried to lull the younger Winchester to sleep. Sleep was a scarce thing for the oldest now. His lover had to manage everything that was supposed to happen for a human while they slept for him as he was getting less than two hours of sleep a night as Sam would wake up in the middle of the night, crying out for the dead archangel.
On the four-month anniversary, Sam made sure to pretend he was asleep when Dean came in. He needed to be alone as he did what he was about to do. He went to the bathroom that was connected to his room and grabbed the knife hid in his jeans, opening it and staring intently at the shining metal. The same metal that had brought him relief from the emotional pain he felt every night. He rolled up the sleeve of his shirt and pressed the knife against a part of his arm where the cuts were starting to scar. Clear was unacceptable in Sam’s mind. He dragged the blade against his arm, going deep. He gasped as he finished and watched as the blood stared to flow out. He continued this until cuts littered that portion of his arm. He looked up into the mirror and saw his debauched form. He hadn’t shaved in a while. A couple weeks? He didn’t know. It was Dean that did it for him.
He looked back down at the cuts on his arm. This pain was becoming unbearable. Not the physical pain, but the emotional pain. He couldn’t stand it anymore. He looked back in the mirror. He didn’t recognize that man that stared back at him. And he didn’t trust him either. He looked like a monster. And he always killed monsters. So he grabs the knife and presses it right against his vein. Just before he cuts, he remembers to write something. He gets up and goes to find paper and a pen. He sits down and writes:
Dean. I’m so sorry you have to find me the way you do. I just can’t take it anymore… I miss him too much… I want to go see him again… I love you, Dean. You are the greatest brother ever. Tell Cas that he is such a great guy. I hope you two have a happy life together. I’ll tell Gabe you both say hi. And tell Bobby that I’m sorry that I had to let him down one more time. I love all of you. No matter how bad life was for us, you all were there and I couldn’t ask for more.
Sam
Tears were flowing out of Sam’s eyes by the time he finished the letter. He put it on his bed and went to the bathroom, once again. He stared at the mirror, hating what he saw looking back at him. He punched the mirror as hard as he could, shards falling into the sink as he pulled his bleeding hand back.
He grabbed a shard that looked sharp enough to cut with. He pressed it against the vein and took a deep breath. As he started to press down, a hand stopped him. He followed the hand up to an arm and the arm up to a shoulder and so on until the face that he had been missing for several months was right in front of him.
“G-Gabriel?” he whispered, almost reluctant to say it. This couldn’t be the angel. He was dead…
“Yeah, Sammy. It’s really me.” Tears were welling in the archangel’s eyes as he saw the broken human in front of him. “It’s really me.” He repeated.
Sam broke. He gripped onto the angel’s shirt and cried. He was alive. He was okay. He was here with Sam. Gabriel was alive.
“Where have you been!? It’s been four months!” Sam cried out, looking up at the angel, eyes filled with hurt.
“I had to leave. Lucifer threatened to force you to say yes by disguising himself as me and kill Dean and Cas if I didn’t leave. He said this a while back. That is really why I needed to fight him. I needed to pretend to die. So he would think I was gone. I never left your side. But I could never touch or interact with you. It hurt to watch you fall apart. The amount of days that I wanted to knock the drink out of your hand, to heal all of your wounds, are uncountable. I would cry every time you cried out for me. All I wanted was to touch you, give you some kind of sign that I was still with you. But, I said that, unless you were about to die, I wouldn’t touch you. Why would you do this Sam? For someone like me? I mean, the amount of pain I have put you through and you still fall for me? You still love me?” Gabe questions.
“Because you redeemed yourself. When you brought Dean back, I knew there was a part of you that still cared. And when I found out you were an angel, that’s when I knew the reason you cared, was because you really cared. I know angels aren’t supposed to fell. So, you caring about me enough to give me back the thing that kept me going every day. I fell for you because you cared about me, the boy king, the boy with demon blood, Lucifer’s vessel, an abomination. Even though, I know you aren’t supposed to.” Sam had to look away as he named off all things that angels and demons had called him in the past five years. Gabe tilted his chin up with his fingers so that Sam and him were at level with their eyes.
“I did it because, when I met you, I knew who you were. But your drive to save complete strangers from me was incredible. I’d never met a person like that. Even some hunters would leave when they realized their life could possibly be in danger. But not you. You would power through it and fight to save these people. Your kindness and caring heart is what made me have a soft spot for you.” Gabe looked down as he thought about what he was going to say. “I love you, Sam. And I am so sorry for the hell I put you through for the last several months. I will never leave you, again.” Sam looked into Gabe’s honey eyes. The eyes that he missed so much.
Sam does the only thing that he believes is right and kisses the angel deeply. Gabriel is stunned at first but kisses back quickly, holding the Winchester’s face in his hands. The kiss held for several minutes. It wasn’t filled with lust or wanting, but was, instead, filled with love and understanding. Gabriel was able to figure out more about the man in that one kiss compared to the amount of times he interacted with other humans. He loved it.
Sam was the first to pull away. Stupid human need to breathe. He looked down at his burnt and scarred arm and started to tear up. Gabe noticed this instantly and brought his hand up, healing his lover in seconds.
Sam looked up and smiled. The angel smiled back. “Let’s go to bed,” he said softly. The man nodded and they stood up. Gabe had changed them both into comfortable pajamas before they laid down in bed and snuggled close together. Sam had fallen asleep within minutes and Gabe smiled as he watched the beautiful man sleep.