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JJ breathes shakily, the cold January air freezing her hands and stinging her face. She hardly notices though, her gaze fixed on the reason she came here. Emily.
She inhales, unsure of where to begin. There's so much she’s left unspoken, so much she never had the courage to say, and now she knows she has to say it. Otherwise, she fears she never will.
“Emily, I-” she stops almost as soon as she begins, as if waiting for a reply or reassurance which never comes.
She wishes Emily would say something, tell her that everything is okay, but she’s just met with the faint sound of the wind brushing bare tree branches.
“I never, I never told you this because I was afraid. I was afraid of what it would do to us, to me, to my family. I'm sorry. I was stupid. I was selfish, and now I'm too late for us to ever be anything.”
JJ’s hands tighten around the paper bag in her hands, finding comfort in the rustling sound it makes, as if it’s willing her to continue.
There's a suffocating lump in her throat, choking her, trying to stop her words, but she won’t let it. She's been silent for far too long out of fear, but not anymore. Not now.
She smiles suddenly, a memory surfacing in her mind.
She exhales, a shaky laugh. “Do you remember when Penelope was shot? God, it was a few years ago now, what, three or four? Honestly, I still remember it as if it was yesterday. I remember how it felt like the end of the world. I couldn’t breathe, I could hardly see through the fear, and it felt like I was dying right there with her.”
“And then, you sat next to me in the waiting room, and you took my hand. It was like the fog lifted, and I could breathe again, I could see again. You’ve always had that effect on me, Emily. Whenever it feels like the world is ending, you somehow make it all okay just by being there.”
JJ pauses, trying to gather herself, aware that she’s mere seconds away from falling apart completely.
“That- that was the first time I realised that I needed you.”
She takes a breath.
“That was the first time I realised I loved you.”
The feeling of relief is instant, a huge weight lifting from her shoulders.
“I’m sorry it took me this long to say.” She continues quietly, hoping Emily still hears. The wind blows harder, tangling her hair. She pulls her black jacket tighter around herself, shivering.
But JJ isn’t done, not yet. It's taken her so many years to say this, to find the part of herself she knows well enough to know that this is right, this is who she is.
“When I started dating Will, you were happy for me, and I assumed you didn’t reciprocate the feelings I had for you. So, I forced myself to see Will romantically. I knew I could create a future with him, a life, because he was good, and sweet. I just had to make myself like him.”
“But he wasn’t you, Emily. That was the only issue I ever had with him. I wanted a future with you.”
It's strange for JJ, admitting this out loud. But it’s real, and it’s her. Truly real, maybe for the first time in her life.
Finally, finally, she can live as who she is.
“You know, for the longest time, I convinced myself that I was wrong, confused. I mean, I know how society sees lesbians- and I wasn’t one of them . So I went along with my façade, I played the wife, and I was happy- I always wanted to be a mom, and Henry is my entire world- but it was never fully me. It was never right.”
“You’re what’s right, Emily, I know that now.”
JJ can feel the tears building up in her eyes and throat, threatening to spill out.
“I wish it hadn’t taken me so long to see. I wish I hadn’t been so goddamned scared of being who I am.”
“I don’t think I’m scared anymore. I’m not sure. But here, with you, I feel safe. I feel like me.”
She pauses again, distracted by a sharp, cold feeling on the tip of her nose. She glances up, towards the sky, and realises it’s started snowing. It’s beautiful, snowflakes swirling towards the ground, coating the grass in a layer of white.
It's as if the earth is listening to her confession.
“Isn’t it beautiful, Em?” She whispers with a smile, attempting to swallow back the tears that are threatening to fall.
There’s no reply.
But, of course, she wasn’t really expecting one.
JJ feels the snow beginning to soak the paper bag in her hands, and crouches down, carefully removing the bouquet of flowers from it. Almost immediately, snow settles on the tips of the roses, harsh white against the crimson of the petals.
She realises her hands are trembling, and she’s unsure if it’s from the cold or the overwhelming emotion in her chest.
Trying to contain the shaking, she tenderly reaches out her hand to the stone in front of her, gently running her fingers along the edge.
With her other hand, she places the roses down.
As she lets them go, she realises she’s been unsuccessful in holding back her tears. They're silent, streaming down her cheeks.
“I miss you.” She whispers, her voice breaking as her eyes slide over Emily’s name on the headstone, as if it’ll bring her back.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you any of this while you were still here. I love you, Emily. I’ve always loved you, and now you’re gone- and-” She’s unable to continue, breathing heavily, her words silenced by the tears.
She needs to carry on, needs to say everything she wanted to.
“I- I brought you roses. You told me once that they reminded you of your past, but also your future? I never understood what you meant by that, but I have a feeling I wasn’t supposed to. I think- maybe now I understand.”
The cold has spread deep into JJ’s chest, her whole body shivering from the grief and the freezing snow.
“I didn’t think I knew how to live without you, Em, but knowing you, loving you, changed me, even if it was from afar.”
Something changes, in JJ’s mind, a realisation dawning on her as she watches snow cover her roses. She smiles sadly, looking up as if to meet Emily’s eyes.
She's met with the grey lettering carved into the stone.
EMILY PRENTISS
“I’m not scared of who I am anymore, Em. I love you- I will always love you. But I'm scared that my world is ending, and you’re not here to make it okay for me.”
JJ stands, letting her hand linger on the frozen stone before pulling it away.
Her cheeks are wet with snow and salt, but she hardly feels the cold anymore.
She turns, heart breaking.
She feels something warm on her lip, and reaches her hand to her mouth, confused. Her fingers come away red, and she realises her nose is bleeding.
JJ lets it bleed. Maybe she isn't as alone as she thought.
"Goodbye, Em." She whispers to the sky.
It's too late for her to change her past, now, and it's too late for her future to be with Emily.
She walks away.