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Tom knows he screwed up. He knows. He knows his choices led him to this moment and if before he couldn't stop imagining what might have been if Jake had trusted him instead of Ellie, well now he can't stop imagining what might have been if he'd just answered one of those calls, if he hadn't avoided Jake or just told him the truth. But Tom knows that no matter how much you want to change the past it will never happen. The past is the past.
However, seeing Jake's expression upon learning the truth is something that will haunt him, he could see several emotions in just a few seconds. Confusion, anger, sadness and resignation, but that's all because he can no longer read Jake. Jake who always wore his emotions on his sleeve, so easy to read, could learn to have an unreadable face. Tom hates that but knows he deserves it.
Now his stay in the competition depends on Jake and ... Ashley who looks pissed, Aiden tries to remind them to stick to the plan, which he mentally thanks but to no avail. He passes his turn to vote and puts Riya's name down even though he wants to write Yul so badly, Jake avoids looking at him and that makes him lose the slightest bit of hope. Krystal reads the votes and it's a tie between Riya and Tom. She turns in Jake's direction but her headband covers her face.
Krystal explains the next challenge, Riya boasts that she has already secured her stay in the competition but Tom ignores him, focused on winning so he doesn't miss the chance to explain his reasons to Jake for a moment he feels it's too much but remembers that at least Jake deserves a proper conversation. He wins the competition but feels no satisfaction in seeing Jake withdraw, he wants to follow but Aiden stops him saying Jake needs his space. Tom reluctantly agrees.
When he arrives at the cabin, he sees that Jake is already asleep staring at the wall, Tom just sighs with resignation and goes to his bed. When it is daylight, Tom doesn't get out of bed, he just waits until Jake gets up to follow him. They both head to the lake. Tom can't help but feel nostalgic, a place with beautiful memories of them that will be tainted with this conversation. Tom wants to scream, to punch Yul for opening his mouth, yet he is to blame. The roles have been reversed. What irony.
They reach the shore and neither of them start talking. Tom doesn't know what to say and Jake tries to think of how to steer the conversation without letting out all the anger and frustration he feels. Jake wants to do better and he has. Since Ashley scolded him, he's gotten better. He focused on the game, he didn't let his emotions get the better of him with the voting, but now... He feels like he's in a storm and he won't be able to do damage control.
"Why," Jake mutters, trying not to sound accusatory.
"I...just...I didn't know what to tell you or do." Tom wants to kick himself for his stupid answer, but he couldn't help but panic when Jake's voice sounded so hollow. Apparently, Tom will be able to shoot criminals in the forehead, watch someone get tortured, and Jake will just have to do something to make Tom's brain stop thinking.
"Did I hurt you that much?" whispers Jake, for a moment he could see the old Jake. "I knew it." he says with a bitter smile. "When we said goodbye and you smiled at me I could only think it was too good to be true and ... it was. You didn't forgive me and I don't blame you for that. I hurt you too much...I'm sorry for that." As he said the last Jake's voice broke. Tom wants to hug him, to comfort him, to tell him it's not true but that would be a lie, wouldn't it?
There was always a little voice in Tom's mind, whispering that if he saw Jake again he might lose his job, have to ask for help from his brother and mother when it should be the other way around, have his heart broken again, so many scenarios that made Tom only grow stronger in not answering Jake and Miriam's call. However, seeing Jake with that self-deprecating expression that Tom knows better than anyone else, just makes you want to scream at Tom from the past that he should at least take one call from Jake, even if it's a text.
"It wasn't all your fault," Tom says in a soft voice.Jake looks at him and then sighs.
"Now what, we're still in the alliance?", Jake asks, that surprises Tom by the abrupt change of subject. He doesn't understand that Jake is building walls, fortresses in his heart. Inside is Miriam, Ashley, his brother Sean. That he only has a few chances left to get in.
"Of course! I... I'd like us to remain... allies." Tom whispers the last word. Jake nods and starts walking towards the cabin. Tom grabs his arm and Jake stands still. "I want to apologize for all of this too. It wasn't fair to you."
"I told you I understand, Tom." Jake replies wearily, he doesn't want to talk anymore. He just wants to get to the cabin and sleep.
"No...I was cruel to you. I gave you false hope-"
"I think if a person ignores you for two years it's a clear message to anyone." says Jake harshly . "I was a fool to cling to you... me. It's only clear from yesterday that we're hurting each other and I'm tired of it. "Jake looks him in the eye. "I'm tired of hurting you and you hurting me. I just want to end the stupid competition and get on with my life."
That scares Tom but he knows it's only fair that Jake wants to move on, even if....
"Jake... I..." he tries to form sentences, but words were never Tom's strong suit.
"Don't say it, okay? I don't want that hope of being friends or anything else. For now I just want to focus on the competition and making Miriam proud." Jake says firmly. "From now on we'll just talk about the competition and nothing else."
"Agreed...on one condition." asks Tom. Jake looks at him suspiciously, "We'll talk after the competition." Jake just raises his eyebrow and smiles wryly. Tom isn't going to lie that it doesn't hurt to see that, however he can't complain. "I...I don't want it to end like this, I know I hurt you just because I was scared and hurt. I...you were the first person to show my scars, you taught me to love myself, you taught me a lot of things. I wanted to talk to you again but my fears were always stronger and for that I'm sorry. You at least deserved an explanation. "The words seem to pour out without stopping. "When I saw you on the plane, I'm not going to lie, I wanted to sit down with you and Miriam, catch up, tell my anecdotes, but I didn't. I loved you Jake. I... I love you Jake. I want you in my life, even though I didn't show it but it's true, I..."
"Idiot... me too, Tom. But what if it doesn't work out, I don't know if I can recover from it," Jake says sadly.
"I feel afraid too, all the time. What if a job goes wrong, what if it goes wrong for you, what if my job puts you in danger, yet I'm tired of being afraid too. Of not allowing myself to have something just because I'm afraid," Tom says with determination.
"Alright... I... let's concentrate on the competition and after that we'll see, okay?" says Jake with uncertainty. Tom agrees, there are seven competitors left and that would be about a month. He only has a month to convince Jake.
"Okay... so, the next elimination will be Yul?", I say in the most innocent way, Jake smiles and Tom smiles too, I had missed Jake's smile, not when it was forced or awkward.
"We'll have to convince Aiden and Ashley," he replies with a smile, Tom nods, as they arrive at the cabin. Jake leaves with Ashley and Aiden approaches Tom asking about the conversation.
"It went better than I expected." For the first time, Tom's heart feels lighter and the voice in his head (which sounds a lot like Ellie) doesn't open its mouth again.