Archive of Our Own

Charles feels stuck, not physically stuck in place, not like he’s chained to a witch’s kitchen island, but mentally stuck.

Ever since Edwin’s confessions on the steps of hell, a baby-doll-headed-demon right behind them, Edwin’s words keep ringing in his ears. As more than a friend, I’m afraid.  

As more than a friend, I’m afraid. It rings over and over and over in his ears, in his mind, somewhere in his soul.

The fact that it was almost an apology frustrates Charles, angry at Edwin for thinking so little of himself when Charles can only ever think the world of him, but also angry at himself for not realizing that Edwin had been self-deprecating over this during their stay in Port Townsend. 

But what he was stuck on was harder to explain to himself. It wasn’t that he was being homophobic about it, a word he’d learned from Crystal, or that he felt it had put a strain on their friendship. It was just a feeling of uncertainty about the whole situation. 

He’d said that he couldn’t say he loved Edwin the same way. He hadn’t said he didn’t, just that he couldn’t. He wasn’t sure he didn’t. But he also wasn’t sure he liked men, just that he liked Edwin. But he felt like he needed to know he liked men in order to know if it was just because Edwin was his best friend, and he was lonely, or if he’d just always liked men and was attracted to Edwin. He needed to know if he liked men, so he could validate the fact that he was attracted to Edwin, and then evaluate the possibility that he could be in love with his best mate. 

It was just a whole fucking mess of not knowing and he needed to figure it the fuck out.

He’d tried to write it down, thinking of what Edwin would do if the situation was reversed. That hadn’t worked, and he’d torched the papers where he’d tried to muddle out his thoughts on the roof. Niko had walked out as he’d been holding the burning pages, and given him a strangely knowing look. 

That was another thing, Niko’s return. She’d turned up outside their office about a week after their return to London, dandelion sprites in her pocket, and a new haircut, blond hair chopped to her shoulders. As far as Charles understood it, Mick’s lucky charm had called to Sedna, and her love of him, and subsequent affection for Niko for trying to help him return to her. The goddess had apparently transported Niko’s consciousness to another plane, before restoring her body and bringing it back. There were other things involved, but Charles had been content to let Edwin be the brains, his brawn too busy hugging Niko as soon as Crystal and Edwin had their turns. 

She and Crystal were sharing a room in the flat Crystal was renting above Jenny’s new London based butcher shop, and Charles wasn’t entirely clear on the situation there. It also brought up complicated feelings in him. He and Crystal had talked at length after their return to London. 

She’d looked at him as they were sitting on her bed, and he’d known. When he was alive he’d always been rather good at telling when someone wasn’t into it anymore, and Crystal wasn’t. She’d said, “I’m sorry Charles, I just-” and she’d looked at a picture of her and Niko hanging on the wall, which gave him a bitter taste in his mouth, “I don’t think it’s going to work out,” 

He’d looked at the picture, looked at her, and thought about Edwin’s confession, the mess of feelings turning in his guts, and said, “Yeah, I agree mate,” 

She’d punched him then, slugging his shoulder in a friendly way, and they’d descended into giggles, until Niko returned from the store, grinning when she found them laughing. So now they’re friends, just friends, and Charles honestly feels happier about it than he had thought he would. He doesn’t think about why that is. Certainly doesn’t think about the role Edwin plays in that.

It’s brills really, having a real friend to talk to other than Edwin. For all that Charles loves him (loves him how he wonders absently whenever his train of thought turns this way), the other dead boy in the Dead Boy Detective agency wasn’t always suited to all of the conversations that Charles needed to have. He’d spent thirty years not talking about kissing and his parents and missing life, and it’s not that he can’t talk to Edwin about these things, he knows he could- it’s just that Edwin wouldn’t be particularly comfortable talking about them. 

He would try, Charles knows, for Charles’ sake, but it’s refreshing to have someone not quite as repressed to talk to. Although, from the way that Niko and Edwin often giggle over manga in the corner of the office, Edwin might be making some progress on that front. 

So now he talks to Crystal about those things, and it’s not quite as awkward as he’d thought it would be.

Which leads him to now, sitting on Crystal’s bed and ringing his hands while she stares at him patiently. 

After Niko had caught him, he’d known it was only a matter of time before Crystal knew too, and an even shorter amount of time before she’d hunt him down and wrangle what was bothering him out. So to cut the process short, he’d just gone to her. And really, who else could he have gone to about this. He imagines in his mind trying to have this conversation with any of their acquaintances, living or dead, other than Crystal, and he just doesn’t see it working out. So here he is. Sitting on his ex-girlfriend’s bed.

It’s been about fifteen minutes of awkward silence when Crystal finally breaks. “What are you doing here Charles?”

He doesn’t look at her, running a hand through his hair nervously, “I think I need help,” She waits for him to elaborate. “With my feelings,” He grits out, refusing to look at her. 

“What about them?” She asks him, her tone still patient, as if she’s dealing with a stubborn customer instead of him. 

He hugs his knees, “My feelings regarding Edwin,” He mumbles out, telling his knees more than Crystal. 

“You’re best friends aren’t you?” Crystal asks, tone patient and kind and just a shade patronizing, “What else is there to it?”

Charles remembers at this moment that he hadn’t disclosed the details of Edwin’s confession to her, and apparently neither had Niko, who Edwin had most definitely told, judging by the amount of gay manga she’d been sneakily leaving in Charles’ room in a weird attempt at match-making, some of which had been incredibly explicit when he’d cracked it open out of curiosity. So he grits his teeth, and tells Crystal about the confession that had happened while she’d been out burying David in her head and he’d been running up an incredibly long staircase for his life.

“So if you told him that you didn’t love him that way, what’s this about then?” Crystal asks him, gently trying to get him to tell her instead of just accusing him. 

“It’s not that I’m homophobic,” Charles tells her, looking at the floor now to avoid her gaze. 

“I know,” Crystal tells him, “I think that was established when you comforted Edwin about Monty,” Charles nods. 

“I need to figure out if I’m,” He hesitates then, “If I could-” He stares at the floor even harder, “If I could like men,” 

“Okay,” Crystal tells him, heaving a sigh that implies she thinks she’s being incredibly patient, “Why?”

“I just do,” Charles tells her, refusing to say more than he needs to about how this relates to his maybe more than platonic feelings towards Edwin. About him needing to know for sure that he likes men that way so he can then figure out if he could love Edwin that way. Waiting forever to figure it out isn’t an appealing concept when he could just figure it out now. With the help of his ex-girlfriend. Fuck, he’s screwed.

“Alright,” Crystal tells him, pulling out her phone, most definitely seeing straight through his facade, and probably knowing more than him about his own feelings, “I’m hungry, and I also don’t feel like having this conversation with my kind of ex-boyfriend, so I’m going to open a quiz for you on my phone, a decent one, not one of the trashy ones they advertise on Youtube, and you are going to take it while I make myself ramen,” She drops her phone on the bedspread in front of him, and leaves the room. 

Charles picks it up. He’s not great at technology, better than Edwin, but still, the fact that it will phase through his hand if he gets distracted and then probably break falling on the floor always makes him nervous.

The quiz looks simple enough though. 

The first question is: Did you ever experience romantic emotions for a friend of the same sex?

The options are:

• I believe I have. That's the reason I'm participating in this quiz.

• Hold on, how do you differentiate between affection as friends and having a crush

• I don't believe I have, but our bond is so tight that others tease us about being in a relationship.

• Negative. We are merely friends.

The reason he’s taking this quiz is because he thinks that he is, so he clicks on the first option, bringing himself to the next question. He crosses his legs on Crystal’s bed, settling in to finish the quiz.

Have you ever locked lips with or had the desire to lock lips with someone who is the same gender as you?

• Absolutely, and it was an amazing experience.

• I haven't experienced it, but I'm curious to give it a shot.

• Yes, but I'm uncertain about my emotions regarding it.

• Not at all. Doesn't pique my interest.

The wording of the question makes him snort. Locking lips. Heh. 

Then he thinks about it. He hasn’t kissed a bloke, so he thinks about it. He thinks it would probably be about the same as kissing a girl. And he likes kissing, doesn’t hate the thought of it being with a bloke, lips are lips and all that. He briefly imagines kissing Edwin. 

He quite likes the thought, but that’s not the crisis he’s focusing on at the moment, so he dismisses the thought of it. One thing at a time Charles, he tells himself, clicking on the second option and moving onto the next question as Crystal putters in the kitchen. 

What is your perspective on LGBTQ+ characters being portrayed in television series and films?

• Absolutely, I have even watched series exclusively because they featured LGBTQ+ relationships and plots.

• I somewhat feel a sense of connection with LGBTQ+ characters.

• I observe the presence of LGBTQ+ characters, but I don't have strong feelings toward them.

• I appreciate the affirmative representation, though they don’t particularly catch my attention.

This one is harder to answer. He doesn’t consume a lot of media other than music and dusty old books for cases. He remembers going to the cinema with friends back when he was alive, and tries to imagine how he would have felt seeing queer characters on screen then. It would probably have been a different reaction that the one he would have now. 

It probably would have been a secret sort of longing and connection while his friends laughed. He imagines he probably would have snuck back to the cinema again after his friends had shit talked the film, watched it by himself, feeling ashamed, and desperately wondering why he was connecting to it. Because he does know he connects somewhat to queer characters, if only through the few books he’s read in secret to try and make sure he’s not being mean to Edwin. He’d rather enjoyed Red, White, and Royal Blue.

He thinks about Edwin reading Niko’s manga, seeing himself represented in an odd way, and decides that he really does somewhat feel a sense of connection, if only in books instead of television series and films. He hears the tap running in the kitchen and Crystal humming to herself.

Has anyone ever inquired about your sexual orientation, questioning if you are homosexual?

• Individuals tend to make that assumption regarding me quite frequently.

• Someone has posed that question to me a couple of times.

• Nobody has outright asked me if I'm homosexual, but it wouldn't catch me off guard if they did.

• Not once. People take it for granted that I'm heterosexual.

He’s not sure how to answer this one. No one ever outright asked him earnestly when he was alive, outside of making fun of him, and no one has asked him since he died. His father used to use it as an insult, and he quickly transitions his train of thought from that topic. One thing at a time.

If he’s being honest with himself, in the small circle of friends he has now, it’s probably pretty likely they might ask it in their heads, since they know him almost as well as he knows himself. So if he’s asking, it tracks they might be too. 

He’s sure Edwin has wondered in his head, absently, in the way that you wonder if a pretty girl likes you back. Niko probably thinks he likes men, judging by her unsubtle matchmaking attempts with the manga. And Crystal had given him her phone to answer this, so… 

He clicks the second question. It feels right. The microwave beeps in the kitchen as if in agreement.

When you envision being in a romantic partnership, what does that look like for you?

• I can solely envision being with a person of the same gender.

• I'm uncertain. It appears that gender doesn't matter to me

• I anticipate being with someone of a different gender.

• I can exclusively envision myself with a partner of the opposite sex

He is uncertain. The whole point of this quiz is figuring out if he could envision himself with Edwin in a romantic partnership, although he really has been picturing the idea for a while. Since Edwin’s confession. 

As more than a friend, I’m afraid. It rings in his head again.

But this is more about figuring out if he’s attracted to men so he can figure out if he’s in love with Edwin. Simple right?

In the end though, after a few moments of contemplation, it’s probably that it doesn’t matter to him. He’s a romantic at heart, and he doesn’t think that if he were to fall in love with someone it would matter what gender they were, just that he loved them. He clicks the second option. 

What would be your sentiment if you were to label yourself as homosexual?

• Yes, that seems accurate.

• To be honest, it makes me somewhat apprehensive, but it also somewhat resonates with me.

• I'm uncertain about my emotions regarding this.

• No, I genuinely don't believe that reflects who I am.

It does resonate with him. It does also make him apprehensive. It makes him wonder what his parents would say. He clicks the second option. He can hear Crystal clicking the buttons on the microwave, and he reads on.

Have you ever experienced a sense of attraction towards an individual of the same gender?

• Indeed.

• Yes, but that's common for everyone, isn't it?

• Individuals of the same gender simply possess a more appealing aesthetic.

• Not at all.

He thinks about how he feels attraction. It’s usually an urge to flirt, a fluttering in his stomach. He knows he feels it towards girls, that’s obvious to him. He thinks about the attractive men he’s seen, and when he really thinks about it, realizes he gets the same feelings. He’s always just written it off as being a personable person- or ghost. He stops himself from thinking about if he’s attracted to Edwin or not to stop himself from repeating his spiral on his need for validation in his queerness before he could really think about being in love with Edwin.

He clicks Indeed. He can almost read the answer in Edwin’s voice, as if it is the most obvious answer in the world, a cocky tone, an impetuous eyebrow raised to accompany it. He smiles at the thought before reading the next question.

What are your sentiments toward engaging in a romantic relationship with an individual of the opposite gender?

• I have no interest. It would seem like a burdensome task to me.

• I wouldn't be averse to it, and it's something I've either aspired to do or have experienced.

• Perhaps, but there's no particular person that I'm keen on.

• I would certainly be in a relationship with (or have been in a relationship with) someone of the opposite gender.

This one is ridiculously easy to answer, considering he’s currently sitting on his ex-girlfriend’s bed. He clicks on the fourth option.

Do thoughts of being romantically involved with someone of the same gender ever cross your mind?

• Yes, quite frequently.

• Occasionally.

• Yes, but I'm uncertain if I would actually pursue a relationship with someone of the same gender.

• Not at all.

Considering the amount of time he’s spent thinking about dating Edwin, whether just considering it as a possibility, or what it would be like, makes this easy to answer. It’s been almost all he can think about since they got back to London. Edwin’s words are still ringing in his ears, over and over.

As more than a friend, I’m afraid.

He clicks the first option. 

When you envision engaging in a kiss or intimate moment with a future significant other, how does the idea of going farther sound to you?

• If I'm with someone whom I have strong affection for, that sounds wonderful.

• Alright, I suppose?

• I can't picture that, and I don't believe I will ever desire that, irrespective of gender.

• I'm not of an age to contemplate that.

This one is also easy to answer. He knows he likes the idea of “going farther” as the question puts it, since he’s done it. If he were to date Edwin, or another bloke, someone he had “strong affection for,” he admits to himself, it probably would be wonderful. He clicks the first option of the last question, and waits for results to load, tapping his fingers anxiously on his thigh. 

It loads a screen with shooting rainbows, and the result reads You Might Be Gay! Great. So he’d gone through all that thinking, just to not even get a real answer. 

As more than a friend, I’m afraid.

He already knew he might be gay. Great.

“Crystal,” He calls, and she returns, half a bowl of ramen in her left hand. 

“Well?” She asks him, a pair of chopsticks that are clearly Niko’s judging by the bright pink coloring, as well as the bright Hello Kitty bobbles on the top, although you never know, sometimes Crystal surprises him. He wouldn’t put it past her to own Hello Kitty chopsticks.

“It just says I might be gay,” He tells her, handing the phone back, “So that’s not really helpful,” Crystal sighs, her face pinching a little bit.

“Right,” She says, a determined look that reminds him of Jenny crossing her face, “I didn’t want it to come to this, but apparently I don’t have a choice, since I’m the best ex-girlfriend slash business partner in the world.” She sets her food on the nightstand and sits back on the bed next to him. She takes a deep breath, “You know you can like boys and girls right?” She looks at Charles, clearly expecting an answer. 

“Yeah,” He tells her, “It’s called something like bicycles right?”

“Bisexual,” Crystal tells him, rolling her eyes at him. 

“Okay,” He waits for whatever bomb she’s about to drop on him. 

“You know you, Charles Rowland, Dead Boy Detective, are allowed to like boys and girls,” She tells him, patiently, clearly waiting for the penny to drop. 

“I’m allowed to like boys and girls.” He repeats to himself, quietly, hesitantly. And then he gets what she’s been trying to tell him this whole time. “ I’m allowed to like boys and girls,” He says again, a sense of understanding washing over him, “I like boys and girls,” He grins at her, a manic sort of energy filling him with joy, “I’m bisexual,”

He tells her, the words quiet, but so full of power and wonderful. He says it out loud, and it quiets a buzzing in his chest, to have it out in the universe, to know .

“Yeah,” Crystal tells him, sounding completely unsurprised. He looks at her then, surprised and not surprised at the same time, and she raises an eyebrow at him.

“I’ve only just figured it out, how could you possibly know?” Charles asks her, cheeks burning. 

“You check out fit guys all the time,” Crystal tells him, her gaze even with his, her tone dry, “The only reason you didn’t realize you were checking them out is because you just weren’t thinking about it.” 

“I thought I was just appreciating how strong they were,” Charles tells her, and they laugh a little bit before they sober again. 

“So what does this have to do with Edwin?” Crystal finally asks him, and Charles sighs, the problems with his other dilemma coming back to him. 

“I’ve been thinking-” She makes a surprised face and he throws a pillow at her, “About my emotions-” She makes another face until he reaches towards another pillow, “and feelings,” He drops her gaze again, “towards Edwin,”

“Are they not just platonic?” Crystal asks him gently, asking him the question this whole conversation has been leading up to. She reads him so well it’s scary. Or it would be scary if he didn’t know she was psychic. 

“I don’t know,” Charles tells her, “That’s what I’ve been trying to figure out,”

“What exactly about it are you trying to figure out?” Crystal asks him, “Do you like him?”

“I know I like him, especially now I know that I’m bisexual, and I know I’m allowed to like him,” Charles tells her, cheeks burning, a little bit of awkwardness seeping in when he remembers he’s having this conversation with his kind of ex girlfriend, and that he feels really stupid about needing all of this validation, “But I don’t know if I’m in love him, which I need to know so I know I’m not just stringing him along, because Edwin has had far too much pain already,” He pauses the word vomit, steeling his nerves to ask the question he’d really come here to ask, now that his after-life bisexuality crisis was out of the way, “I was hoping you could maybe help me figure it out,”

Crystal laughs. Not just laughs actually, full on cackles. She throws her head back, the line of her throat something that previously would have given him a flutter in his gut, and laughs at him.

“Ouch,” Charles says, laying defeatedly back on the bedspread, one crisis down, but one left to go. And Crystal doesn’t seem like she’s going to be a lot of help, judging by the noises currently coming out of her. He hasn’t heard laughing this loud since the Case of the Cackling Goblin in 2013. And that goblin had been really bloody loud.

“I’m not laughing at you,” Crystal tells him, tears in her eyes, “I mean I kind of am, but I’m mainly laughing because the person that you came to ask about love is me. Your ex, and former demon lover, with a notoriously bad history in the field of romance,”

“It’s not like I have anyone else,” Charles tells her, half-heartedly swiping at her. She dodges, still laughing at him, just a bit softer now, “I can’t go to Edwin obviously. Niko is his other best mate mind you. The Night Nurse is absolutely not going to talk about my love life and I’m not really close enough with Jenny to even consider it. So unless I want to go talk to some random stranger about this, you’re my only option.” He glares at her, “So would you please stop laughing,” 

“Fine,” She tells him, before pulling him into a sitting position across from her on the bed, “I don’t know how to help you,” She tells him gently. He sighs, “But-” she tells him with a grin, picking up her phone, “I am a child of the 21st century, and as such, we are going to Google it,” 

And that’s how he ends up with a printed article folded and stuffed in his pocket, titled Here’s How to Tell If You Love Someone — and What to Do.

- - -

He doesn’t look at the article until he gets safely into his room at the office. Brushing past the Night Nurse, who still refuses to let him give her a nickname or tell them her real name, and who mutters something about rude ghost boys under her breath as he goes by. 

Next is a concerned Niko, who says earnestly, “Charles, you look upset. Did you walk into an iron gate again on your walk?” He shakes his head, and hustles past her to avoid any more questions. Niko’s personality has a way of getting people to reveal things, and he does not need his issues dragged out of him again today.

Next are the sprites, who have a new enclosure, a large enchanted terrarium with a dollhouse in it, who bully him as he walks past, and a reading Edwin, who just waves vaguely in his direction, engrossed in whatever magical textbook or manga he’s reading now. Charles can’t look at him closely right now. Who knows what could come out of his mouth if he was careless enough to open it.

He crosses to his room and closes the door as fast as he can without slamming it. He sits on the dusty bed, before he pulls the folded article out of his pocket. He takes a deep breath before he starts to read the article. He finds the section Crystal had thought would be the most helpful to start with, a list of things that could point to being in love.

The first heading is, Your Thoughts Return To Them Regularly.

Charles’ first thought is, of course he does, Edwin’s his best mate and his business partner. Under that heading it says, Maybe you frequently think back to your last interaction or plan your next meeting. You want to tell them about your experiences every day: the great, the awful, and the ordinary.

He does that. He tells Edwin almost everything, has for about thirty years, but that could just be best mates stuff, not necessarily romantic love. He can’t remember the last time they’d come back to the office and not debriefed about whatever case they were on. He shifts to a more comfortable position, kicking his shoes off, realizing that this isn’t going to be a quick process. 

Next is, If they’re having a hard time, you may worry about their difficulties and brainstorm ways to help.

Of course he does. Once again, Edwin is his best mate and business partner. Their problems are often the same ones. When he thinks about it more though, he’s taken pretty drastic measures to help Edwin with his troubles. Going to Hell for one. Knocking the Night Nurse off a cliff for another. But again, that could just all be friend stuff. Though he will admit that friends probably don’t tell their best mate that the reason they like the girl they like is because she reminds them of their best mate. He cringes thinking about it. He’d been trying to help resolve the tension with Crystal, but realizing that Edwin was jealous makes it easier to understand his reactions.

And he doesn’t want Edwin to have hard times, he’d never deserved to go to Hell in the first place, and it breaks Charles’ heart that he’d been forced to go back. If he had his way, Edwin would never have to face a problem without him again.
The thought is overly possessive, and Charles rationalizes with himself. He always wants to be able to help Edwin, but he does realize he’s not always going to be able to. Which is why it’s good they have more friends now. Then Edwin will always have someone to go to, even if Charles hates the fact it’s not always going to be him.

The last thing under that section is, When spending time with family and friends, you might talk about them a lot and imagine how much your loved ones will like them, too.

He does talk about Edwin a lot, but who else are you supposed to talk to when you’ve only had one friend for the last thirty years and suddenly have two more. The second part of the sentence he disregards. He and Edwin have all of the same loved ones after all. 

The next big heading is, You Feel Safe With Them.

Obviously Charles feels safe with Edwin, they wouldn’t be very good best mates if he was scared of him. Edwin’s very first actions upon meeting Charles were aimed at helping him feel safer as he died, how could he not feel safe around Edwin. 

Trust is generally a key component of love. If you’ve experienced relationship trauma or heartbreak before, you might assign particular importance to this sense of emotional safety.

Charles thinks about this one. He knows, distantly, that he has trauma from his parents. He knows that when Edwin didn’t trust him with what the Cat King wanted, he felt insecure. He knows that he assigns importance to trust in his friendships. He knows he trusts Edwin more than anyone else, Niko and Crystal close seconds, but the trust he has with Edwin is different. But this doesn’t help him figure out if he’s in love with Edwin. 

When you see them, you might notice your tension relaxes, in much the same way as it does when you return home after a long day.

He does notice this. Especially after Edwin’s return to Hell, if Charles doesn’t know where Edwin is, he gets tense, relaxing when he knows the other boy is safe. But it’s more than that too. Seeing Edwin after a long case, reuniting in the office feels like going home. But again, that could be best mates stuff. 

But what not be best mates stuff is the way that even just being with Edwin feels like home. How a hug with Edwin makes him feel like he can feel again. He hadn’t got that since he’d died. Even Crystal hadn’t managed to make him feel that.

It’s normal to want to protect yourself from pain. Feeling safe enough with someone to trust them with your personal weaknesses or vulnerabilities often suggests developing love.

Charles trusts Edwin with these things. Their platonic love is not developing, even though after Port Townsend they do talk considerably more about these things. He’d confided things to Edwin he’d never told a soul, even after knowing each other for thirty years. But because Charles knows he at least loves Edwin platonically, this just isn’t helpful in solving his problem.

The next heading is, Life Feels More Exciting.

“More like the afterlife,” Charles snickers to himself. 

The rush of hormones associated with love can make everything seem more exciting, particularly when you know you’ll see them soon. Time might seem to fly by when you’re together and crawl like a turtle after they leave.

Thirty years have gone by quickly. He doesn’t know if this is because of hormones though. He doesn’t even know if he has hormones. Though it does stand to reason he does because of his interest in kissing, which he knows, from a distant memory of a puberty book left on his bed by his mother, is related to hormones somehow. Edwin would know, he thinks, before remembering that would raise too many questions from Edwin to avoid revealing he’s trying to figure out if he’ loves Edwin as more than a friend. And there it is again, the phrase that hasn’t left his mind since he’d heard it. As more than a friend, I’m afraid. He thinks he might keep hearing it for the rest of his afterlife.

You might even notice renewed energy and interest in the mundane things you do every day. Folding laundry? Taking a walk? So much more fun when you’re in love (especially when they’re nearby).

They don’t do mundane things. Their life is full of cases, and very rarely is there a mundane moment with the group of friends they’ve amassed. Just last month, the sprites had managed to get a hold of a match, and had promptly started to try and light their house on fire before the Night Nurse stopped them. 

The next day, Crystal had jumped off a bridge to solve a case, and he’d had to haul her out of the river. It had turned out fine, even if it had reminded him of his death by hypothermia. But it was just another example of how chaotic their life was.

Taking a walk reminds him of Monty, how Edwin had told him the ghost equivalent of getting coffee was to go for a walk. He grits his teeth and moves on. He doesn’t need to be thinking about the crow right now. 

The next heading reads, You want to spend a lot of time together.

Obviously, they’re best mates. Of course Charles wants to spend time with him. Finding this entirely unhelpful, he skips the rest of the section. 

The next heading is, You feel a little jealous of other people in their life.

More than a little jealous sometimes. Charles remembers the Cat Kind and Monty vividly, his jealousy then. He also remembers his jealousy when Edwin had become attached to Niko, but that had lessened in the wake of his attachment to Crystal, and Niko’s subsequent death and revival. 

Nowadays he’s mostly grateful that Edwin has Niko, who connects with him in a way that Charles has never managed. For all that he and Edwin share a drive to help people, Edwin and Niko seem to share a special type of bond, seeing the world in a way that only the other understands. He is jealous of that, he can admit that. 

He can read Edwin, knows what his next move is on a case, knows how to have his back, knows how to make him laugh, but Niko brings out the teenage boy in Edwin in a way Charles never manages. She makes him blush and gasp in outrage in a way that makes him act the age he appears to be, instead of the old soul tempered by decades of torture in Hell. He’s jealous that Niko gets to see that part of Edwin mostly. 

In a jealous way he realizes that he wants to have all of Edwin’s parts. In a wholesome way. He just wants to be able to see Edwin let down his guard to the level that Niko achieves. Though upon consideration, he’s not opposed to the other meaning. This leaves him with a flush in his cheeks as he reads on in the article, shifting his position on the bed, a flurry of dust arising that would have sent him into a sneezing fit had he been alive.

It’s not a surprise that he can admit now he’s attracted to Edwin- he knows his best mate is attractive, but the fact that it’s Edwin, who he’s known for three decades, gives it a weight in his gut that sits suspiciously close to where his heart is. 

He reads on. You feel compassion for them.

His first thought upon reading this is, obviously. He reads through the subheadings though. 

When you’re in love with someone, you’ll start to develop strong compassion for them. The powerful urge to be connected to this person brings new aspects to your relationship, such as emotional or physical intimacy, passion, and a desire to know everything about them, and be known by them in return.

It all rings true. 

They’ve started hugging more, started having late night talks when the girls have gone to Crystal’s and the Night Nurse is wherever it is she goes when she’s not with them. And Charles knows he feels the drive to learn all of Edwin, and longs to let Edwin learn all of him. 

He wants to know exactly what makes Edwin tick, what he remembers from living, what he wants in the future. It’s almost overwhelming how much he wants to know, he realizes. Wants to never hear the tone in Edwin’s voice he’d had when he’d said As more than a friend, I’m afraid again.

You may also find yourself wanting to take care of or be cared for by your partner.

Charles has to take care of Edwin. For years, until Port Townsend, there had been no one else to do it. Charles had to take care of the boy who was fresh out of Hell, scared of his own shadow, but brave enough to read to Charles while he died. He’s never regretted a second of it, except for the moment when he wasn’t fast enough to grab Edwin’s hand before he was dragged back to Hell. He has to take care of the boy who had been brave enough to confess his feelings ( As more than a friend, I’m afraid ) to Charles, the boy who’s been there for him since his death.

Charles also knows that he has a hard time letting people care for him. He also knows that because of that, Edwin had started doing it subtly early on in their time together. He’d leave out a book he thought Charles might like, a newspaper article on cricket or footie, or a cool magical item that Charles could use on cases. But he also doesn’t mind it when Edwin avoids taking him on cases that involve an abusive father, or when Edwin curls up next to him on the couch, a silent pillar of support while they both read, touching at the elbows.

The next section is about identifying platonic love, and Charles skips it. He knows he feels platonic love for Edwin, even had it reconfirmed by this article. He just needs to know if there’s more to it. More than friendship. As more than a friend, I’m afraid.

A tiny part of his brain whispers people who platonically love their best friends don’t think about whether or not they’re in romantic love with them, but he ignores it. He needs to be certain, can’t fuck this up. For his sake and Edwin’s.

The romantic love section reads:

Loving someone romantically usually involves a desire for a many-faceted connection.

You value their personality and want their friendship. You might lust after them a little (though you can experience romantic love without ever desiring a physical relationship).

Maybe you find their looks appealing, but you mostly want to spend a lot of time with them because you value them as a whole person and want to develop a lasting emotional connection.

This is all true, and Charles doesn’t find it particularly helpful on top of what he’s already learned from the earlier portion of the article.He knows he wants a many-faceted connection with Edwin. He values Edwin incredibly. He can admit, since Edwin’s confession, he’s been lusting a little. He finds Edwin appealing, and he wants to spend a lot of time with him because he values Edwin. They already have a lasting emotional connection, and he’s just left more frustrated as he thinks about it. The next part is just a comparison of platonic and romantic love that doesn’t yield anything interesting. 

However, the next section of the article is titled, How do you know which one you want, if anything at all? And it has a list of questions to ask yourself. This is what Charles has been looking for, something that might finally give him some fucking answers. 

He reads the first question. Which types of connections do I find most appealing? Emotional, physical, or a combination of both, for example. Charles doesn’t find this particularly helpful, but he thinks about it anyway. 

It’s probably a combination of both. He loves hugs, loves patting Edwin on the shoulder after a hard case, and loves kissing. He also does value emotional connections, but he already has both connections with Edwin, so this question isn’t helpful.

Can I see myself sharing my life with this person?

This one is easy for him to answer. They already share their lives, have for thirty years. An old married couple Crystal had called them when she’d first met them. He doesn’t find the statement entirely inaccurate. 

Do I want to experience different types of intimacy with them? Or do I just want more of what we already have?

He does want to experience different types of intimacy. He wants to hold Edwin’s hand on walks, wants to peck him on the cheek, and he knows he’d like to kiss Edwin. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s in love with Edwin, just that he likes him. Does that love go beyond friendship, he asks himself again, Edwin’s words still ringing in his ears. As more than a friend, I’m afraid. It repeats and repeats.

Is a general desire for physical intimacy complicating my platonic love for them?

He doesn’t think so. He does have a general desire for physical intimacy, but if he also didn’t have a desire for that intimacy with Edwin, he probably would just go out and find a way to get it. Before the whole mess of Crystal and Edwin’s confession that’s what he’d spent thirty years doing.

Do I actually desire romantic love, or is it something I’m pursuing because people think I should?

He wants to be in love. He wants to be in love with Edwin so badly it scares him. But wanting to be in love with Edwin, and being in love with Edwin are two different things. Aren’t they?

Charles sets the article aside and stares at the ceiling. In the wake of Edwin’s confession everything seems much more complicated. As more than a friend, I’m afraid.

He’d never looked at Edwin in this way before he’d realized it was an option. He wants to date Edwin, that much had become clear after this article, but he also doesn’t want to get into anything without knowing if he is in love with Edwin or being absolutely sure that dating Edwin would make him love him romantically. The article hadn’t cleared that up, but had helped him to feel more sure about his desire to date Edwin, which was something. He just can’t risk messing this up.

He needs to talk to Crystal again. He hesitates as he gets up though. She’ll most definitely laugh at him, and possibly refuse to help him anymore. 

No, this problem calls for a different solution. He’s going to the library. That’s what Edwin would do. (He still can’t get Edwin’s words out of his head. As more than a friend, I’m afraid.)

He leaves his room hastily, making sure the article is shoved deep into his pocket where no one will stumble onto it first. 

“Where are you off to?” Edwin calls as he strolls out of the room with a purpose. 

“Library,” Charles tells him, feeling restless in his skin. As more than a friend, I’m afraid. Edwin raises an eyebrow and sets down his book. 

“Why?” He’s wearing his casual clothes today, taking advantage of the fact that they don’t have a case today, and Charles can barely stand to look at him. As more than a friend, I’m afraid.

Charles shrugs, feeling incredibly cagey about his real reason for  wanting to leave as fast as possible, but at the same time wanting to spend more time with Edwin. Who is clearly very skeptical of the fact Charles is willingly visiting the library without being dragged along for case related research. As more than a friend, I’m afraid.

“I know how to read,” Charles tells Edwin, managing a cheeky grin as his heart races at the weight of Edwin’s gaze on him. It doesn’t quite shine, and he knows that Edwin clocks it.

“I know,” Edwin tells him slowly, a bit patronizingly, “What are you doing at the library?”

“Reading,” Charles tells him, backing towards the door. As more than a friend, I’m afraid.

“Charles,” Edwin says, dropping his gaze, his voice sinking in a way that makes Charles want to run to him, “Are you avoiding me?” His tone is the same as it was in Hell, As more than a friend, I’m afraid. It echoes, it echoes. 

Charles almost blurts it all out right then. His thoughts are racing, and if he had a heartbeat, it would be pounding.

No, I’m just desperately trying to figure out if I’m in love with you and this online article didn’t help, so now I’m turning to the library for answers because that’s what you always do. 

As more than a friend, I’m afraid.

I’m trying to avoid holding you in my arms and never letting go. 

As more than a friend, I’m afraid.

I’m trying to avoid the thought of kissing you goodbye.

As more than a friend, I’m afraid.

 I’m trying to figure out my shit so that you don’t get more hurt because no one deserves good things more than you. 

As more than a friend, I’m afraid.

I’ve spent weeks reflecting about how badly I want to date you and don’t want to fuck it up. 

As more than a friend, I’m afraid.

I’ve spent the day formalizing my bisexuality with my ex-girlfriend for you. 

As more than a friend, I’m afraid.

And he realizes, thoughts still racing, I’ve spent the last hour desperately trying to confirm to myself that I’m capable of loving you the way you deserve. I’ve spent the whole day being worried about being able to love you.

As more than a friend, I’m afraid.

And really, as his train of thought runs wildly off the tracks, he realizes- that sounds a lot like he’s done these things because he is in love with Edwin. 

Holy shit. 

He’s in love with Edwin. He’s in fucking love with Edwin.

He’s so caught up in this revelation that he doesn’t come back to earth until Edwin lets out a strangled What? and he realizes that he’s said at least that last bit out loud. 

His gaze snaps to Edwin, who looks remarkably fragile. His hair isn’t styled as harshly, his suit coat is off, his bow tie undone, and his sleeves rolled up. Charles wants to lick his forearms. 

“How much did I just say out loud?” Charles asks tentatively, chancing a glance at Edwin’s face. His mouth is slightly agape, and his eyes are wide. As more than a friend, I’m afraid.

“You said you’re in love with me,” Edwin tells him, a cautious sort of hope blooming in his eyes, “Charles-” He breaks off, chewing on his lip, “Did you mean it? I couldn’t bare it if this is a joke of some sorts,”

“ As more than a friend, I’m afraid, ” Charles breathes out, echoing the words that have been haunting him since Edwin uttered them during their escape from Hell. It feels right, the moment an echo of the words that had started this whole mess. As more than a friend, I’m afraid.

Edwin’s standing then, crossing towards him, book clattering forgotten to the floor, and suddenly he’s right in front of Charles, seeming so alive and hopeful, “Really?” He says again, and Charles can’t stop himself from nodding desperately as he takes Edwin’s face between his hands. They're incredibly close now, foreheads bent together, and Edwin’s hands are settling on his shoulders, gripping desperately as if to reassure himself that this is real.

“Really,” Charles tells him, reveling in the fact he really does mean it,  “I’ve spent weeks thinking about it, and I finally just realized that if I was spending so much time thinking about it, I was definitely in love with you.” 

“Brills,” Edwin says softly, and they laugh together then. He’s so incredibly happy, and Edwin’s face is still in between his hands, and Edwin is looking down at him adoringly, his few inches on Charles clear at this angle. Edwin’s eyes are so soft, green pools that remind Charles of the forest, of the greenish glow their windows give the office. It feels like home. Edwin is just so beautiful, and Charles can’t believe he’s been so fucking stupid. 

As more than a friend, I’m afraid. It’s no wonder that the words have been racing through his mind since Edwin said them, the cacophony building until it came to this moment–finally going quiet. He’s been so bloody stupid. 

And then he can’t stand another moment without having kissed Edwin.

“Can I kiss you?” Charles asks Edwin softly, needing his consent, needing his confirmation that this is actually happening and not somehow a weird case induced dream. Edwin nods, and leans towards Charles, and Charles leans towards him, and then their lips are together. It’s just a simple peck, a brush of lips really, but it’s everything Charles has ever wanted. More than he’d ever realized he could have, and it’s been right in front of him the whole bloody time.

It’s thirty years of unrealized love in one gesture, and if Death came for him right then– well actually he still wouldn’t go with her because that would mean leaving Edwin, but it’s perfect. It’s everything he’s ever needed. Screw missing spaghetti, there’s nothing in this moment that makes him wish his heart was still beating. In this moment he’s so incredibly grateful to be dead, for all that it’s given him.

They pull back slightly then, grinning like idiots at each other. Edwin throws himself into Charles’ arms after a second, in a mirror of their hug after they’d been granted permission to keep operating, and Edwin kept out of Hell, but so much better. Because now he has all of that and Edwin. He wraps his arms tight around Edwin, and says it again, just because he can. 

“I love you, Edwin Paine,” He murmurs into Edwin’s shoulder, right by his ear, feels the resulting shiver that runs through Edwin’s body, and feels it in his ghostly soul when Edwin replies,

“I love you too, Charles Rowland,” It’s perfect.

And then Charles remembers how this had finally happened. The sheer idiocy of all of his actions. Crystal’s role in all of it.

Crystal’s going to be fucking unbearable about this, Charles already knows it, but he’s still holding Edwin in his arms, so he really just doesn’t give a damn right now, all that matters is that he’s finally got everything he wanted, even if he hadn’t realized that he’d wanted it for over thirty fucking years. 

But he wouldn’t take a single moment of it back. This moment is absolutely worth it. 

They don’t separate for a good fifteen minutes. Maybe even longer, Charles isn’t sure. They end up on the couch, holding hands, practically in each other’s laps they’re so close. 

“I never thought this would happen,” Edwin says quietly, his voice full of awe, but a tiny hint of disbelief that makes Charles’ heart ache for him. He wants to hold Edwin for the rest of his life if it means that he never hears that disbelieving tone that means Edwin is doubting how Charles could love him.

“I hadn’t ever realized it was an option for me,” Charles says in reply, squeezing Edwin’s hand so tight that if they were alive he’d likely be cutting off circulation. He’s anchoring himself to the moment, and Edwin doesn’t seem to mind, so he doesn’t feel bad about it.

“What did make you realize?” Edwin asks him curiously, looking at him out of the corner of his eye from where his head is tucked on Charles’ shoulder.

“Your confession,” Charles tells him, grinning, “And when I started spiraling about that, I went to Crystal,” 

“And?” Edwin says, clearly jealous, but doing his best to disguise it.

“I’m in love with you mate,” Charles reminds Edwin, grinning at getting to say it again, ( As more than a friend, I’m afraid), “She helped me figure out that I’m bisexual,” Charles says, the label still comforting on his tongue, “Had me take an internet quiz, and when I still wasn’t getting that I could like men, straight up told me I was allowed to, which got through to me,” 

“I had a similar moment with Niko,” Edwin tells him, grinning shyly at Charles, “When we first met Monty at the library. She told me it was okay to like boys, and that she had books on it-”

“And that convinced you did it,” Charles teases, unable to stop himself, “The fact it was in books,” 

“Hush, you,” Edwin tells him fondly, “And from there it took the Cat King transforming himself to look like you and flirting with me for me to realize that I liked you, and Monty practically yelling at me in the forest that I had feelings for you for me to realize he was right,”

“I’ve spent the whole time since we got back from London knowing I was attracted to you, and wanted to date you, but unsure that I was in love with you,” Charles tells Edwin, “Crystal even gave me this article to help me figure it out, and I answered all the questions and everything, but I still wasn’t sure, even though all signs pointed to yes. And then when I walked out here, I realized that if I was spending this much time thinking about it, I was definitely in love with you, and that my need for justification was just me trying to make sure I really was,”

“So we’re a pair of oblivious idiots,” Edwin says dryly, a wry grin flitting across his face. 

“Imagine what would have happened if we hadn’t met Crystal,” Charles says, “We never would have realized it, and what would have happened then?”

“I like to think we would have figured it out eventually,” Edwin tells him, “It may have been another thirty years of unconscious pining, but I do believe that we would have got there,” 

“I hope so,” Charles says, and pulls away so he can look Edwin in the eyes, “You’re never getting rid of me, yeah? We were already attached at the hip, but now we’re like properly conjoined twins, yeah?”

“I think codependent idiots would be what Crystal would tell us,” Edwin tells him, smiling fondly, his grin crooked, the mole on his chin especially adorable, “but I’d prefer to term us lovers,” He glances shyly away, and Charles laughs.

“Someone’s got game now, eh?”

“I have learned a thing or two from the books Niko has been giving me,” Edwin tells him, staring adoringly at him, his lips curled in a gentle smirk.

“She’s been trying to matchmake us,” Charles tells Edwin, grinning madly, “Kept leaving those books you both like in my room and everything,” 

“She’s a terrible interferer,” Edwin groans, his head tipping back in a way that makes Charles’ eyes catch on his Adam’s apple,a faint blush dusting his cheeks, “And a liar. I made her swear she wouldn’t do anything,” 

“I bet it was Crystal’s influence,” Charles realizes, groaning and leaning his head into Edwin’s shoulder as he laughs, “I bet they’ve been plotting against us this whole time,”

“It seems probable,” Edwin sighs, his hand coming up and stroking gently through Charles’ curls, “They are both fond of scheming, particularly in affairs of the heart. There was that incident last week when Niko tried to find Jenny another girlfriend,” 

Charles sits up, another thought occurring to him, “You don’t think they’re in love, do you?”

“Crystal and Niko?” Edwin looks thoughtful, and Charles sees his hand twitch towards the pocket where he keeps his notebook, “It seems possible. We haven’t exactly proven ourselves the most aware of things in the romantic happenings category,” 

“Speak for yourself mate,” Charles says, grinning sappily at Edwin, “I’ve got game,” 

Edwin looks at him, raising an eyebrow, “Do I need to repeat the story of how you realized you were in love with me back to you?”

Charles winces, “Fair enough,” 

“If they are not though,” A mischievous look comes onto Edwin’s face, “I do believe we could do some match-making in return,” 

“Good idea,” Charles leans in, and whispers into Edwin’s ear, “But why don’t you show me what else you learned from those books Niko’s been leaving you, because some of them are quite naughty,” Edwin shivers, and then they don’t talk for a long time. 

Up until the Night Nurse walks into the office and shrieks, summoning Niko. Niko’s face practically splits in half with a grin as the Night Nurse despairs dramatically, and she announces brightly, “I’m going to call Crystal! She’s going to be so excited! And she owes me so much money! I’m going to buy the sprites new hats!”

“Shit,” Charles mutters under his breath to Edwin.

“We are going to be fine,” Edwin tells Charles, leaning in to kiss him on the cheek softly, “Now I do believe we had better go and face our friends, who I fear are going to be awfully smug,” 

“Probably,” Charles sighs, but he follows Edwin off of the couch. 

He’d follow Edwin anywhere, had already followed him to Hell, Charles thinks, grinning to himself, because he’s in bloody love with him. 

And he follows Edwin out of the room, trailing after his best mate, the love of his afterlife.

As he leaves, it echoes in his head again. As more than a friend, I’m afraid. 

It doesn’t make him feel stuck anymore, doesn’t make him angry. 

It makes him happy. 

It’s the moment that set in motion the chain of events that made him realize he’s in love with Edwin after all. 

He wouldn’t have guessed then, that one little sentence would flip his understanding of his friendship upside down. That it would lead him to this. 

As more than a friend indeed.