Archive of Our Own

1996

It was a lovely sunny day when Evan Buckley woke up and decided he would finally make his sister take him out and teach him how to ride a bike.

He tried to ask her many times before, but she was either busy with homework or simply dismissing him. Always the same reassurance; he is gonna learn soon enough and there is no need to rush. If he was honest, the only thing that was pushing him to get on the bike as fast as possible were his colleagues, who were often going on bike trips along with their parents. Evan wouldn't admit it out loud, but he felt jealous. He never had the chance to go on any kind of trip with his parents, which was why he wanted to at least be able to join his friends, who indeed invited him a couple of times.

Plus, he always thought riding a bike would bring him at least some freedom. Even if it would be only a facade, he was willing to take the chance. And of course, he could ride with the training wheels, but for an almost six-year-old boy, it started to become a little embarrassing.

That is all why, as soon as Evan opened his eyes, he jumped out of the bed and ran to knock on his sister's door. After a few painfully long minutes she opened up, still clad in her pyjamas.

“What's going on?” Maddie yawned.

“Come on Mads, get dressed. You promised you would teach me how to ride a bike, “ he said, slowly dragging out the words.

The girl sighed. “Evan- “

“Come on, Maddie. It's sunny!” The boy cheekily smiled.

Maddie looked at him for a few long moments and then her gaze softened. “Alright, go get dressed.”

Evan quickly, and with a sense of pride, retreated to his room.

The five-year-old boy watched as his sister quietly went into the garage and came out with a red bike. It looked like it hadn't been used for a few years which, Evan supposed, it wasn’t. He briefly wondered if the bike was Maddie's from when she was his age.

He snapped out of his thoughts once his sister came to a stop before him and said, “Okay, I just have to take the training wheels off and oil a few things and it's all set to go.”

Evan nodded and for the next hour watched Maddie work over the bike, helping with some little things from time to time. And when the girl finally took off the last useless part, she looked up at her brother.

“Okay, Evan. This is it, “ the brunette said. “You ready?”

“Ready.“ The boy nodded with a smile.

It took a few tries and over an hour but eventually Evan managed to ride longer distances without falling off. Maddie was beside him all the time and he thought that as long as he felt her presence everything was going to be just fine. And it was. Until it wasn’t.

“You’re doing great. Just get a feel for it,” Maddie was saying while pushing the bike.

“But you’re not gonna let go!” He replied, a little panicked.

“I’m not gonna let go, “ she reassured but just then did the exact opposite.

“You let go!” Evan yelled but kept pedalling since he caught his balance.

The brunette laughed, “You’re doing it, Evan!”

“I’m doing it!”

The Buckley siblings were almost ecstatic about the new accomplishment until the older one realised her brother was reaching a crossroads. Maddie paled a bit.

“Oh, my God. Turning, “ she gasped. “I forgot turning.” She was watching as the bike was coming closer and closer to the main road. “Turn the wheel, Evan, and lean a little!” Then the car came into view. “Turn and lean!”

Thankfully, Evan followed instructions and managed to turn around just in time. The driver yelled something about being careful, but Maddie was too happy that everything worked to hear him. And just when she thought they did it, another car drove by from the other side. Her brother, surprised by the unexpected presence, wavered on the bike, eventually losing his balance.

“Evan!” Came Maddie's terrified scream and then she was running.

The blonde boy moaned in pain when he turned, with his big sister’s help, onto his back.

“Hey, hey, hey, “ tried to soothe Maddie.

“Ow!”

Suddenly the door to the closest house opened and a very displeased Phillip Buckley ran up to his kids. “What is going on?”

His wife was right on his heels. “Maddie, what did you do to him?”

“He’s fine, “ the girl stammered and turned to assess her brother. “You’re all right, okay, buddy?”

“Mommy, “ the boy whined and Margaret went for her son, but froze after a step, her gaze falling onto the bike. Her demeanour immediately changed and she looked at her daughter with an accusation.

“Where did you get that?” She snapped.

Maddie frowned at her mother’s tone and confusedly explained, “I— I found it in the garage under some junk.”

Now, the woman turned to face her husband with an expression of betrayal. If Maddie didn’t know her father she would say he looked almost sheepish under his wife’s cold eyes.

“Margaret, I— ”

“No, “ she cut him off, retreating to the house.

Phillip tried to reach and stop her. “No, honey.”

“No!”

And with that, she practically ran inside. With her gone, her husband was left to deal with the kids. Maddie swallowed when her father turned to look at them.

“You should’ve left it where it was, “ he spat.

“I’m sorry, dad.”

“Take your brother in the house.” His tone left no room for argument.

2020

To say that Buck was angry was an understatement.

After he stormed off from Maddie and Chimney’s apartment, he found himself walking mindlessly in no particular direction. He didn’t think or stop even for a moment, just kept walking. Evan didn’t feel the people bumping into his shoulders, he barely even registered some girl spilling her coffee over his shirt (he only brushed her off saying not to worry, and kept on strolling). If he were to be honest, he didn’t feel anything. Which, well. It should have been concerning, but he ignored the alarms going off in his head until he reached some park he couldn’t recall the name of.

He practically collapsed under a big tree, placed in a way so that he was hidden, at least partially, from people’s view. Taking a few deep breaths, he tried to calm himself down just like he used to do when he was a teenager and still lived under his parents’ roof.

This was stupid, he thought. The way that the life he built for himself suddenly collapsed only because his sister invited their parents for a few days. Surely, he was a bit overdramatic, right? He could have sucked it up for those few dinners with them. He shouldn't have been so curious, and shouldn’t have gone through Maddie’s baby box. Maybe then, he wouldn’t have found out the truth and even though it gnawed at him for years; wasn’t being left in the unknown the better option?

Yes. Maybe he was selfish, but as for now, he didn’t care.

Nothing made sense. But, he bitterly noticed, maybe it did. Daniel, leukaemia, no matches, new child. Yet, Buck still couldn’t help his brother. Born for one purpose and failed. The irony was now biting him in the ass.

He just couldn’t get his head around his parents' hypocrisy. They lost one child, and they grieved. Sure. But then why would they make their other child's life a living hell? Surely, they didn’t want to go through another loss.

Or maybe their love was overpowered by the hatred and disgust that was born when the only thing he was born for ended up not working.

Buck’s thoughts wandered back to his conversation with Chimney, right from before they went to help with wildfires in Texas.

“Hey, uh, I wanted to ask you about something.”

Chimney’s voice sounded so serious, for a moment Buck was afraid that he did something wrong and had no idea about it.

“Okay, “ Evan looked at his friend with a frown.

“This might be a little too personal and none of my business, so you can totally tell me to go to hell— ”

“Chimney, “ he cut off his rambling, giving a reassuring smile. “Spit it out.” 

“What’s the deal with your parents?”

Buck felt his heartbeat pick up, but he kept his composure, hoping his face didn’t reflect how the question made him feel.

“Uh, what do you mean?”

Chimney took a deep breath. “Well, you never talk about them, for starters. And I feel like I know way more about your sex life than I do about your parents.”

Buck averted his eyes and rubbed his hands together to ground himself a bit. And of course, he wouldn’t be himself if he didn’t respond with some joke, if only to break the sudden tension a new topic brought into the room.

“Well, that’s ‘cause my sex life is more interesting, “ he chuckled. “At least it used to be.”

“But seriously, uh, Maddie barely talks about them either. Or to them for that matter.” Han looked around the loft. “And the other night, I found her all freaked out like something was wrong. She said she was scared of screwing up with our kid the way your parents screw up with the two of you guys.”

They screwed up with us, alright. Buck looked Chim in the eyes. “She said that?” 

He couldn’t help but think about how much Maddie really knew. He sent a silent prayer to whoever was out there that whatever she knew, she didn’t know that.

“Kinda.” Chimney shrugged and looked at the floor. “I mean, she wasn’t specific, but she never is. She said that they’re not bad people, “ he looked up at Buck hopeful as if kind of scared of the next answer he would give, “so I’m guessing they weren’t abusive...”

“No, “ he immediately replied. Too fast perhaps, but fortunately it escaped Chim’s attention. “No, they weren’t, “ Buck added as if reassuring himself. “Um, they were just… Absent, you know?”

Right now, he couldn’t help but laugh. Almost maniacally. If someone were to hear that, they would probably think he went mad, but he was just so tired. Tired of toeing around the topic. Tired of lying to everyone. Maybe, he should have told Chimney. The older man would understand and he wouldn’t judge, but he would also tell Maddie and even though Buck knew she should know, he didn’t want her to.

So, yeah. He also kept something important from her. And yes. Maybe, he was selfish and no less a hypocrite than their parents.

1996

Evan was sitting on the stairs, listening to his parents’ loud argument, and holding his injured knee in place. When he saw Maddie approaching with the first aid kit he quickly ran to his room. She went in after him not long after.

“Okay, let me see how bad it is, “ she said and helped him peel off the material of the jeans.

When she turned to take something out of the kit, Evan said, “They’re really mad.”

“They’re not mad, “ Maddie replied a little distractingly. “They’re…, “ she shrugged, “upset.”

“They were yelling… A lot.” Evan knew what often came after yelling; his father would call him and lecture him and he always got so mad when they talked, it made the boy scared.

The man always made him cry and Evan didn’t want to cry, because then his dad would get even more mad. The boy may be only five years old, but he was not stupid, he knew what Phillip meant when he said he's gonna give him a real reason to be upset.

“Sometimes people do that when they care too much, “ Maddie turned back to him with a band-aid ready to put on the scraped knee. “They overreact and they feel bad about it later.”

“You’re not in trouble, ” she added, looking him in the eyes.

“Promise?” He asked, hopeful.

“I promise.” The brunette pulled out her pinky finger and Evan grabbed it with his own.

After all, Buckley’s pinky promises were sacred. Thus, when his big sister promised him something, she would do anything to make it happen. For once he hoped that maybe this time he really wouldn’t be in trouble.

But then, of course, his father called him to come down. And under the pretence that he would buy him a new bike and take him for ice cream afterward, they left the house.

The saddest part was that Evan believed him. Just for one second, he thought that Maddie was right, and when they got in the car, the boy visibly relaxed. That was his biggest mistake.

After a few minutes of the ride, which were spent in quite comfortable silence, Phillip stopped the car on the side of the road and turned to face his son. Evan gulped at the sudden rage visible on his father's face.

“You made your mother upset, boy, “ the man practically growled.

“I'm sorry, Daddy, “ Evan whispered. “I didn't mean to.”

Phillip only shook his head. “I told you what would happen if you continued to disobey and upset us.”

The five-year-old was confused, he thought his dad wasn’t upset. He believed his big sister when she promised he was not in trouble and now he had no idea how to react. Evan was just thinking of all the ways he could make this morning up to his parents when the harsh slap across his face beat him to it.

Before his young brain registered what happened, Phillip was speaking again. His father's voice became muffled as if they were separated by a thick wall. After a few minutes, the man started the car again and drove away from the place where he shattered Evan's hopes for the first time.

2020

When Buck eventually made it to his loft, after a few hours of wandering around, the first thing he noticed was that the door was open. With one look at the watch on his wrist, he cursed under his breath and slowly pulled the handle.

Evan left Maddie's three hours ago and yet he hadn't noticed how quickly all that time had passed. He turned his phone off, so there was also no way he could know that Eddie was one of the few people (along with Chimney, Bobby, and Maddie) to try to get a hold of him. If he took a look at his phone he would know that he also received a few texts from Hen, innocently asking if he wanted to hang out.

Heaving a sigh, Buck stepped into the loft. He hadn't bothered to take off his shoes before quietly shuffling into the kitchen.

There he was.

Eddie Diaz was sitting on a stool right next to the kitchen counter, he sat motionless and stared stubbornly at the piece of furniture. When he heard some movement to his right, he snapped his head up so swiftly that Buck was afraid he would get a whiplash.

All thoughts evaporated from the blonde's head as soon as he met his best friend's red-rimmed eyes. His gaze held such intensity that Buck almost turned back on his heels and left.

Almost.

“Hey.” Evan winced at the roughness of his voice.

“I called you, “ Eddie stated, his voice surprisingly steady.

“I turned my phone off, “ Buck admitted and slowly made his way right next to his friend.

“Buck— “ Eddie's voice held so much anguish that if Buck didn’t want to worry his friend even more, he would simply turn around and leave.

“Has Maddie called you?” He moved to the sink to pour himself a glass of water. God, he was so thirsty. How did he not notice before?

“Chimney.”

Buck took a big gulp of the drink and then looked at Eddie again.

“Ah, Chim. Well, now as you can see, “ he pointed to his own body, “I'm alive and well. And right. Shit. I didn't mean to worry you. Oh, no.” Buck's eyes widened. “I forgot about something, didn’t I? Was I supposed to watch Christopher tonight? Do you have a date with Ana? If so I can just— ”

“Buck, “ the older man cut off his rambling.

Buck gulped at the sadness his friend's eyes held and tried to convince his body to breathe. Yeah, he definitely had to breathe.

“You had dinner with your parents.”

A question, a statement — Evan wasn’t sure of anything anymore.

“Yeah.”

“Chim said Maddie was pretty upset.” As if Buck didn’t already feel guilty enough. “And worried sick. No one could reach you for the past few hours.”

“Yeah.”

Eddie finally stood up and slowly walked over to stand beside the blonde. Buck tensed for a brief moment, but then his brain caught up with the situation; it was just Eddie. Just Eddie. He could practically feel himself melting, just a bit, from the proximity of the man.

“Evan.” Buck's name on his lips was almost insistent, not unkind. “What happened?”

Buck only shook his head in response.

“Please, talk to me.”

For some unknown reason, those words made him emotional. Everything felt so far away, as if it wasn’t happening to him, up until that point. It felt like the dam broke and now Buck was standing there in front of his best friend. A best friend that he was in love with , his sluggish brain felt the need to remind him of the fact.

He was standing there and just like that, just like the little kid he was all those years ago, he choked on a sob.

Eddie gently pried the glass of water from his shaky hands and put his steady hand on Evan's arm. “Buck-”

He only shook his head again, more harshly. “Please, no. I— “ Buck's voice wavered and a sudden wave of dizziness overcame his senses.

Before he had a chance to do anything about it, he felt an arm sneaking around his waist. Eddie was holding him up. Perhaps, if he wasn’t so deeply buried within his thoughts, he would blush. Right now though, the only thing he did was let himself be pulled into the comfort that his friend's arms provided.

Buck hid his head in the crook of Eddie's neck and started violently sobbing. He would feel embarrassed about it later, but as of now he had a sense crying was the best option. At least that way, he wouldn’t have to talk about it. Which, he knew he eventually would, but the blonde just wanted to enjoy the quiet support Eddie was giving him as long as he could.

After what felt like hours, but could be only minutes his weeping subsided to a slight sniffling. Damn, Buck felt so exhausted. When did it escape his attention?

He slowly pulled away from Eddie, but before he could do anything else, the man caught his hand.

“I know it's a stupid question, but how do you feel?” He asked, tentative.

“T'red, “ Buck mumbled.

The man only nodded, as if that was to be expected. Hmm, perhaps it was. “Okay, come on.”

Evan felt so out of it the whole day, it wasn’t really surprising that he barely registered being hauled upstairs and put straight into his bed. Eddie tucked him in between some blankets and turned off the lamp on the nightstand.

“Sleep.” Buck could swear that when Eddie leaned down to whisper the simple command (not like Buck was going to argue with that anyway), he felt a feather-light kiss right on his hairline.

When his best friend slowly retreated downstairs, he had to bite back a plea that was just sitting there on his tongue.

Stay , he almost said. Thank god, his last coherent brain cells made sure that at the end of the day, Buck would keep his dignity. Even if only for a while longer.

1997

After that incident almost a year ago, Evan could tell his father felt at least a little bit guilty about hitting his son. He never outright apologised, but the next time a lecture came due instead of yelling Phillip tried to gently explain to him what he did was wrong and what is the way to make things right.

He never hit him again, even when Evan hurt himself on a bike. Especially then.

It was so weird; the way his parents, especially Mom, doted on him when he was injured. They never paid him much attention, excluding lectures about proper behaviour, but now it seemed like they almost cared. Evan liked that feeling and loved it when they showed him that he was still their son. He could get used to it, therefore he decided to use it as much as he could.

He came up with a plan that was pretty genius according to him at the time. And even if the idea eventually resulted in the complete opposite it was supposed to, who was he to blame?

2002

Evan was lying on the roof of his family house and wondering when things went so wrong. Only a week ago, after a soccer game he played on the school's fields, his father took him out to eat junk food. He said it would be a secret between them since Margaret never approved such a diet. So they ate, Evan stuffing himself as much of the pizza and burgers as he could. He felt sick the next day, but in the end, it was worth it.

Overall the week was quite peaceful. He had a few quizzes at school, went to his friend's Jacob birthday party, and talked with Maddie. The usual. So of course it had to be ruined by some jerk calling him names on Friday morning.

Evan really didn’t want to cause a scene. Not this time. But he couldn't just stand there and let himself be put on a spot so he did the only thing he could think of. He punched the brat in the face. It turned out to be a mistake as the guy's buddies threw themselves at the boy and the next thing he knew, he was at the principal's office getting reprimanded for violent behaviour.

Of course, they had to call his father. Evan thought that maybe it would be okay, surely his dad would be on his side. Oh, boy how wrong he was.

Phillip came to school a bit later than the parents of the other boys involved in the fight. He probably had to convince his boss to let him off early, which wasn't an easy task, Evan knew.

The man practically stormed into the headmaster's office and Evan simply waited until his father would come back. He flinched when the door opened so abruptly, that the wood hit the wall.

“Mr. Buckley, Evan's not suspended. It is just the first warning, “ the principal assured, slightly taken aback by such a reaction.

Phillip took a deep breath. “No, I understand. I will make sure he remembers the lesson.” He turned to face the man. “Thank you, Mr. Hayes. Have a good day.”

Mr. Hayes nodded. “Have a good day as well.”

Evan waited for something, for reassurance or command, he wasn’t sure. He didn’t get anything as his father only briefly looked at his bruised face and turned to leave the building.

The boy quickly scrambled to his feet and almost ran after the man. When they got the car, Phillip gestured for Evan to be fast and get in. When they both were inside the silence became even more strained.

“Dad— “ the boy started, hesitantly.

“Evan, I'm tired, “ he cut him off with a defeated sigh and then turned to look at his son, something unreadable in his eyes. “You always do that. Always get yourself in harm's way on purpose and your mother and I— “

“I didn't do that on purpose! This jerk was calling me names!”

“Watch your tone and don't interrupt me!” Phillip scolded. He turned on the engine. “We are going home and then we will solve this, boy.”

Evan gulped and fastened his seatbelt.

No one was in the house when they got there. Phillip told him to go after him and that was how the boy found himself in his father's study. He tried to brace himself for what was coming next, but honestly, he had no idea what his dad was going to do.

The man turned to him with a grave expression. “You wanted to get hurt? It's your lucky day.” He started to undo his belt and Evan's eyes widened.

“Dad, “ he pleaded.

What happened next was pretty much just a blur of pain and the child's cries. Everything hurt and Evan just wanted his sister to come back and hold him. But no, he decided, he couldn't tell her what happened. His father already told him that no one would believe him and honestly? Why would they? He always got hurt, either on his bike or skateboard or in a game. The news of his fight today would definitely spread so the bruises were explainable and he knew his father would beat him up even worse if he tried to tell someone.

How he knew, one would ask. The thing is Evan wasn’t sure, but he vaguely remembered the time when his father slapped him and then suddenly everything made sense. The way the man's jaw clenched every time the kid upset his mother by getting injured. The way every time the boy was spending time alone with his dad, Phillip would look like he was holding himself back from doing something drastic.

His father hated him and clearly, now he had no reason to hold back anymore.

So when later Evan found himself hiding on the roof and looking at the stars, he realised how alone he was. Everything ached in a different way than it usually did and maybe it was because this time the pain wasn't just superficial.

He felt like someone ripped his heart out, stomped on it, and put it back into his chest. Evan didn’t even realise when he started crying, but eventually, the silent tears running down his face turned into choked-out sobs.

2020

Buck wasn’t sure how long he was asleep, but when he woke up the sun was already high up in the sky. When he untangled his limbs from the mess that his sheets became overnight, he realised how tired he still felt. Everything ached as if he had been hit by a truck just last night. And oh boy, did he know how that felt.

He would probably stay sitting on the edge of the bed for the rest of the day if not for the loud bang that suddenly came from the kitchen. The memories of the day prior came back and he swiftly stood up, realising that somehow he ended up shirtless and in his favourite sweatpants, and made his way downstairs.

“Shit, shit, shit, “ came the frantic voice of no one else than Eddie Diaz.

Buck looked around the kitchen and had to bite his lip to stop the laugh that was building in his throat. The whole place was a mess, with eggs and flour everywhere. The floor looked as if something spilled on it and judging from the way Eddie looked at his feet it wasn’t water.

The man himself was wearing a too-big T-shirt, probably one of Buck's, and his own sweatpants. He stood there, barefoot and covered in ingredients, and looking only seconds away from having a panic attack.

It shouldn't have been as funny as it was to Buck, but in the end, he was only human so without trying to stop it this time — a laugh bubbled out of his throat.

His friend's head immediately snapped up to his and the look of a kicked puppy made Evan weak in the knees. He pretended to wipe the tears from under his own eyes and tried to stop laughing.

“Oh, right. Because that's so hilarious, “ Eddie deadpanned. But Buck knew him better than that, he could see some underlying satisfaction on the man's face. Almost as if making him laugh was on the list of things to do.

Well, Buck decided, even if, it was not like he was gonna complain.

“You need a hand there?” The blonde asked when he eventually calmed down.

“Would most appreciate it, “ Diaz mumbled.

And so both men cleared the mess on the counter and the stove, mopped the floor, and put ingredients back into their place. Buck told Eddie to go sit in the living room and decided to make breakfast by himself. That was how they found themselves an hour later on the couch, coffee in hands.

“Did you stay the night?” Evan eventually asked.

“Yeah. I figured you shouldn't be left alone.” Eddie looked at his friend's face. “I slept on the couch.”

Buck grimaced. “It's not that I don't appreciate it… But what about Christopher?”

“He's with tía, “ the man explained. “Spending the whole weekend there, so I have time.”

Buck sipped on his drink not sure what he was supposed to say. They sat in silence for another few minutes, until Eddie chose to speak again.

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

Buck looked at him; his friend's eyes were full of concern and already focused on his face. The blonde heaved a sigh and it wasn’t like a decision had to be made; he would always tell Eddie everything.

So he just started talking. He told him about the dinner, about how he couldn't take it anymore, and started an argument. Talking about Daniel and everything that his sister and parents were hiding from him was more difficult and he had to stop a few times to gulp down a building sob. He didn’t want to cry again.

And Eddie, God bless Eddie, only carefully listened and nodded as if he understood. At some point, the older man put a hand on Buck's knee and the younger couldn’t be more grateful for such a grounding presence.

“Shit, Buck, “ Diaz summed the confession up.

Involuntarily Buck let out a snort. “Pretty much. Yeah.”

“It wasn’t your fault, “ Eddie said, his voice so serious Buck almost flinched.

“Hm?” Buck looked up at him, confused.

“Daniel's death. Your neglectful parents. Maddie leaving with Doug. None of that was your fault.”

At that Evan laughed, ignoring the worry still clearly painted on Eddie's face. “Then why does it feel like it was?”

A beat of silence.

“You know, “ Buck continued. “A few days ago, before my parents were even supposed to come here, Chim asked me what was the deal with them. All those weird things Maddie said one night, completely freaked out… He said we barely talk about them and yet…”

Eddie frowned and when it didn't look like Buck was going to continue if not prompted he asked, “What is it?”

“He said that Maddie said they weren't bad people so he assumed they weren’t abusive. Of course, I told him they were just absent, but…” Buck could see the moment Eddie's eyes widened in realisation. “How could she not see that? I mean she lived in that house for eighteen years, how could she not?”

“Buck, “ Eddie visibly swallowed and took one of Evan’s hands in his. The blonde looked at him, his eyes red-rimmed and oh, so sad. “Did they— ”

He couldn’t finish, but didn't have to as Buck just bitterly supplied, “Hit me? Beat me up? Neglected my basic needs? Well, I think you know the answer now.”

“Dios mío, Evan— “

Buck's eyes softened a bit at the sound of Eddie's voice. He sounded so crushed, Buck's heart hurt.

“I'm sorry.” “Evan— ” “I really didn’t mean to make it sound like that. You're trying to help and I appreciate it. I'm just…”

“We don't have to talk about it anymore if you don't want to.” Eddie rubbed his knuckles.

“I think… If you're willing to listen… I would like to get some things off my chest, “ Buck said, hesitantly.

“You can tell me anything, you know that.”

2004

Maddie’s car was pulling up to some random house when Evan couldn’t take the silence anymore and asked, “So what’d you wanna talk about?”

The girl stopped the engine and turned to look at him. “Heard you got grounded again. What did you do?”

What didn’t I do? Evan almost laughed at the absurdity of the question. He wanted to scream in his sister’s face, “ Why did you leave me with them?! Maybe if you didn’t, you would have known. You would know! Why did you leave…”

Instead, he only replied, “I tried out for the football team.”

Maddie raised an eyebrow. “And that got you grounded?”

“Well someone had to sign the permission slip.” He sent her a meaningful look, silently hoping she still understood what he was saying without really having to. 

But she never truly did, did she? Not in the way that mattered, at least.

She hummed. “Guessing it wasn’t either of our parents.”

“Figured they’d just say no. You know how they are. They suck.” Maddie, please hear what I can’t say out loud. Then, Evan backtracked from the topic a bit, “Where are we, anyway?”

“We used to live here.” Maddie pointedly looked behind his back, therefore he did so as well. 

“Really?” Evan looked at the house. It was big and perfect for families with many kids. And above all, it looked pretty cosy.

He couldn’t imagine his parents in it. Or wait. Maybe he could. After all, they were the masters of appearances; demons in nicely suited clothes, always wearing thin smiles and smearing their words in butter and honey just so no one would notice the bitter aftertaste they would leave. 

Evan looked back at his sister. “I thought we always lived in Hershey.”

“Guess you wouldn’t remember.” She smiled, thoughtful. “You were really little then.”

“Why’d we move?”

Maddie took a deep breath. “Okay, I need to tell you something, and it’s gonna sound crazy, but I need you to listen.”

The boy dumbly nodded and, just when he started preparing himself for whatever weird shit his sister wanted to tell him, Maddie’s phone started buzzing. Evan snatched it before the brunette could move and looked at the caller ID.

“Is that him again?” He said, already knowing that whatever that dick Doug wanted, he would get. And that also meant his time with Maddie was coming to an end. Typical.

Maddie took the cell and answered, “Hey, babe. Yeah.” A bit of silence. “I’m with Evan.” Then, “No, not yet.”

Evan attentively watched Maddie’s face when she talked. Something was off. He always was apprehensive of that relationship but the way the conversation seemed so mechanical was rubbing him in the wrong way.

“Of course, I’ll be home for dinner, “ Maddie reassured. “Okay, love you too.” She hung up.

Evan couldn’t take it anymore. “Why’s he always gotta know where you are and what you’re doing?”

“It’s sweet.” Maddie smiled. “He cares about me.”

Evan looked away. “I don’t like him.” 

After a moment he looked back at her, barely just noticing how her expression changed from ‘in love’ to pure sadness.

“So you were gonna tell me something crazy?”

A few emotions passed through her face, the most prominent was hesitation. At that moment Evan knew that whatever he was going to hear would not be what Maddie truly wanted to reveal. Her next words proved his point and yet when he heard them his whole world came to a halt. 

“Doug got accepted into medical school. In Boston.” She looked him in the eyes. “He asked me to go with him, and I said yes.”

He forgot all about their conversation, trying to force his sluggish brain to comprehend the meaning behind what she said. Evan couldn’t bear looking at her face anymore, he averted his gaze.

“I applied to some nursing schools, “ Maddie continued. “I’m gonna go nights so I can work during the day, pay for it myself. That way I won’t need to ask Mom and Dad for anything ever again.”

“You’re leaving me?” He choked out.

“Boston’s not that far. And I’m just a phone call away whenever you need me, “ she tried to soothe.

Evan gulped. “Promise?” 

He extended his pinky and Maddie instantly went to hold it with hers. 

“Can’t get rid of me that easy.”

2020

And Buck did just that. Told Eddie about his childhood, the way his parents treated him daily, the way he sought their attention whether it was good or bad — everything. He felt ashamed and kind of regretted it now but realistically he knew he shouldn't feel that way; Eddie showed nothing less than support and anger on Buck’s behalf, giving him no reason to question what his opinion on the matter was.

Eddie also encouraged him to tell the rest of 118 about what happened with his parents and Maddie but claimed that he didn’t have to go into any details if he didn’t feel like it. 

Buck felt like he owed Bobby and Hen some explanation, so he decided to share news about Daniel and some histories of his injuries when he was a kid. Eddie was giving him a reassuring smile the whole time which put his nerves at ease, but then of course Chimney showed up and Buck wanted nothing more than to get as away from the station as possible. But he was at work so he couldn’t do that, instead, he settled on going down to clean the firetruck.

Unfortunately, the memories that he shoved down were repeatedly coming back to the surface of his mind even if he stubbornly tried to stop thinking about any of those things. The extent of the abuse his parents put him through, in the nineteen years that he was living with them, went even beyond the things he told Eddie. Selfishly, Buck wanted to keep some events only to himself, if only to keep some dignity in front of his best friend. 

And of course, his battle with thoughts had to be interrupted. By no one less than Maddie herself.

“Just wanted to make sure you were okay, ‘cause you’re not answering my calls, “ she explained.

Buck sighed and started to walk away.

“Please just give me a chance to-”

He instantly turned to look at her, interrupting, “Twenty-nine years. Why is it now suddenly such an emergency?”

“Because you won’t talk to me.” She looked over his shoulder. “And you’re here, working, and you probably shouldn’t be, “ she said, exasperated.

“No, you- you don’t get to take that away from me too.” He shook his head.

“I wasn’t trying-”

“We were supposed to be a team, “ he gritted out. “Us versus them, that’s what we always said. But it turns out it was the three of you against me the whole time.”

Maddie’s face shattered but Buck couldn’t care less at the moment.

“And now, you’re not here for me.” He hoped his facial expressions transferred what he was feeling. “You’re here to make yourself feel better.”

Maddie’s betrayed face flashed before his eyes but then there was an alarm ringing and he was running towards the truck before she could say a word more.

2012

In hindsight, he should have seen it coming. 

Evan knew that he made a mistake but he didn't think he deserved the punishment Phillip and Margaret put him through.

Biting his lips, he tried to push away the memories of what happened and focus on the lie. Evan crushed a bike. He was reckless, as usual, and he crushed a bike and that was all there was to it.

Which, well. It wasn’t entirely a lie. He did crush a bike and who cares if that was before he made out with Jason. Before his mother caught him and yelled at him. Before she slapped him and dragged him to his father.

And they punished him for kissing a boy. They had no idea that he was kicked out of school yet.

Evan shivered just thinking about Phillip's reaction to that.

Suddenly someone roughly pulled the curtain away and there she was; his sister with a panicked expression.

He stood up. “Maddie, you gotta help me.”

“Evan, what happened?” She tried to take in his injuries and he was never more grateful that most of it was under the clothes. 

“Yeah, I, “ his voice cracked, “crashed my bike.”

“You what?” She looked worried and Evan immediately felt guilt flowing through his body. He never meant to make her worried but she would be even more if she knew the truth.

“No, I'm alright, “ he explained. “They patched me up. But I needed to see you, like, right away.”

He was aware of how desperate he sounded and usually, he would cringe at that and pull away. Yet, he couldn't do that then. It was either he took the chance or never spoke to Maddie again.

She stared at him and before she could respond, the guy from before came up behind her.

Maddie looked at him out of the corner of her eye. “Omar, this is my brother Evan.”

Omar smirked. “Oh, yeah. Football star.”

“Yeah, hey.”

“Let me know if you need anything, “ the guy whispered in Maddie’s direction. “Maybe a sedative.” With that, he was gone.

And alright. Rude.

When Omar closed the curtain, Maddie stepped closer. “Are you okay? No concussion?”

Evan shook his head. “I can't go home.”

She frowned. “What are you talking about?”

About everything that you weren't there to see, he wanted to scream. Instead, “I got kicked out of school.”

“Again?” He couldn’t tell if she looked more worried or disappointed, yet the question still made him feel like a stupid child. “Wait, how do you even get kicked out of community college?”

He sat down again because standing idle was getting more uncomfortable and painful with each minute. “Maybe you use your tuition money to make some cool modifications on your bike.” He slowly looked up at her.

“Evan.” His name was like a heavy sigh.

“There were also some keg parties that I bankrolled.”

“Do they know about this?”

“No.” And if they did, we wouldn’t be talking right now. “No, not yet, but if I go home like this, they're gonna find out a lot faster.” Because I wasn’t supposed to go to the hospital. Not without supervision.

“What do you want me to do?” She asked, not unkindly.

“Can't I just stay with you?” At the look on Maddie's face, he added, “I mean, I've hardly seen you since you and Doug moved back, and you got that nice big house, you know, maybe with a nice big guest room?”

And realistically, he knew it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows. He knew there was something wrong with Doug, and yet…

“It's Doug, isn't it? He hates me, “ he concluded when Maddie still didn’t reply. 

Evan thought he could deal with that. Doug could hate him, he could, for as long as he left Maddie out of it. It still seemed a better option than staying with his parents.

“No, no, no. He doesn't, “ she quickly assured. “He does not hate you. It's just... things are complicated at home.”

“Well, try my home.” And he never wanted to belittle Maddie's problems, but he had to get it out. “It's got so much worse since you left.” Maddie, please. “Mom and Dad think I'm a total loser, and I'm not, Maddie. I'm not, okay? I'm gonna be something. I just... I don't know what it is yet.”

“Hey, of course you will, “ she simply said and looked like she meant it.

“The way they look at me... through me... I can't live with that anymore.”

She bent down to catch eye contact with him and put a hand on his cheek. “Look, we're gonna figure something out, okay? I promise.”

The worst part was that he wanted to believe her.

2020

He should have seen it coming. 

Maddie was right because of course she was. He shouldn't be working when he was shaken by everything that happened during the last few days. Yet, he was there, trying to save a guy — Saleh — from a five-alarm factory fire.

It didn't turn out well and honestly when it ever did.

So, now he was sitting on the hospital bed waiting to be checked out. Bobby was there with him, probably getting something to drink now. Buck couldn't help but feel a tiny bit of warmth in the pit of his stomach whenever he remembered the concern on his Captain's face. 

It felt good to have someone who cared for you, especially a father figure. But Bobby wasn’t just that, was he? They crossed the line of co-workers a long time ago, probably when Buck came back into that drowning plane because he couldn't just leave the older man to die.

Bobby was like the father Evan never had. Which, well… He had a father, yet he didn’t even remember the last time he thought about Phillip as his dad.

Buck snorted. If the man would ever find out, he would be livid. But honestly, would he even care? Would his biological parents be concerned when they hear about what happened tonight?

Because no doubt they would hear about it. Maddie already did, if a text, I heard what happened. Please let me know if you're at least okay, from her was an indication, and Buck knew Chim didn’t have time to call her yet.

Athena's words suddenly resurfaced at the front of his mind. You never give up. That's what being Buck means to me.

And Evan felt like a coward. He believed that he didn’t live up to the picture of himself Athena had in her mind. He was ready to give up in that factory. Hell, he was ready to give up when Maddie left him with only the jeep, some money, and without any purpose. Not that he blamed her; he had a feeling whatever stopped her from leaving with him had everything to do with Doug. And that he couldn't put on her.

He was also ready to give up last year. After the truck bombing, pulmonary embolism, after the tsunami . Especially after suing the department and being pushed away by everyone. Yet, he pushed through. 

It still didn’t feel like enough. And he couldn’t help but feel a tinge of disappointment that he was sitting there right now, still alive.

Finally, someone came to check him out. After some tests, which thankfully showed only mild smoke inhalation, he was cleared to go home under the condition that he would rest for at least the next two days. 

It probably said something about his state of mind, that Buck didn’t even argue.

“Hey, “ Bobby said, voice incredibly soft. “You okay?”

“Am I ever?” The words came out faster than he could think. “I mean—”

“Buck.” When Evan looked up at the man, he could see only understanding on his face. No disappointment, no anger — just tenderness. “Do you want me to take you home?”

Buck cleared his throat. “Yeah, I just… I need to get my things from the station.”

The man nodded. “Okay, let's go.”

When they stopped in front of the 118, Buck saw that Eddie was waiting for them, something unreadable on his face. He was mildly grateful that the nurses told him to shower before taking all the tests. At least he felt more alive now, and maybe he could deal with whatever it was the universe wanted to throw at him.

“Clean bill of health from the doctor, “ Bobby said to Eddie, clapping Buck’s shoulder and leaving the two to talk.

Eddie gave the older man a small smile. “Glad to hear it.” Then he looked at Buck. “Show off, “ he teased.

“I had to do it.” Evan felt relieved that his best friend didn’t look at him like some charity case.

The Texan only nodded. “I know you did.” Then his expression slightly changed, and if it was anyone other than Buck, they would probably miss it. “You got some visitors.”

Evan must have paled, because Eddie clasped a hand around his wrist. 

“You don't have to talk to them. I can make them leave.”

Buck shook his head. “No, I, “ he gulped. “I think I should.”

“You don't owe them anything.”

And he knew that. For the first time in years, he realised that he really didn’t. Yet…

“I know. But I owe myself that.”

And Eddie… Eddie's reply was a soft smile. He looked — proud , Buck's mind supplied.

“Do you want me to go with you?” 

When Buck didn’t reply, he added, “You know what? You go, but I'll be just around the corner. I've got your back, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah okay.” Buck sent him a smile, even though a wobbly one.

He slowly made his way up to the loft and saw Margaret and Phillip sitting at the table. When they noticed him, the latter immediately stood up and moved over to his wife.

“Uh, hi.” He hoped his voice sounded more confident than he felt. “I hope you weren't, uh, waiting long.”

Phillip shook his head. “The other firefighters were very kind, “ he said. “We got to hear a lot of stories about you.”

“They seem to like you a great deal.” Margaret was looking at him with a smile, and honestly, it was a little off-putting. 

Evan slightly shifted his weight. “Yeah, I— I like them too.” He pulled out the chair and sat down, Phillip following the movement right after.

“I don't even know where to start, “ Margaret explained when a heavy silence settled around them.

Buck bit the bullet first. “I'm sorry. About Daniel.” They looked at him with a shocked expression. “I can't imagine what that must have felt like to not be able to save someone you love.”

They shifted in their seats.

“Evan—”

“Buck.” The interruption startled his father a bit. “Buck. It's to… to people who know me. That’s what they call me.” He looked at Phillip's face, almost daring him to do something.

“Okay, Buck.” He really looked guilty. “You must know, we never blamed you. None of this was your fault.”

He nodded. “Then what was?”

“What?” Margaret choked out.

Evan looked at her. “What was my fault, if none of you could even look at me? Not unless I did something wrong, that is.” He caught Phillip's eyes again. “If you never blamed me for Daniel's death, what did you blame me for? You know, when you…” Now or never, Buck. “When you used to hit me.”

“I—”

“It's fine. I get it. You want to be in Maddie's life, in your grandchild's life. But please don't, “ he took a deep breath, “don't act like nothing happened.”

Margaret looked like she was on the verge of tears. Buck tried to find that familiar feeling of guilt in himself at making her upset, but all he found was satisfaction.

“I know an apology is not going to make it all okay, “ Phillip admitted.

“No, it won’t.”

“But I want to try. Be better.” He looked as if he meant it but Evan wasn’t stupid. 

Yet, he also couldn’t find it in himself to fight with the man.

“You're 29 years too late.” He sighed. “But okay.”

“Listen I— What?”

“Okay, be better. For Maddie, for her child. I don't care about your opinions on my lifestyle anymore. We can be decent. But I want nothing to do with you besides what's necessary.”

“Evan, “ Margaret sobbed. “Please.”

Phillip looked like he was biting his tongue, and Evan could see something simmering under his controlled expression. Anger.

Buck's first instinct was to run, to hide. To be as far away from the man as possible. Yet, he just sat there and stared at him, waiting for something. He hoped Phillip would raise his hand, maybe then he would have an excuse to hit him. Because he wanted nothing more than just this. One punch would be satisfying enough. For today. Then he would contact his therapist.

To his disappointment, the man just simply said; well more gritted out, “Okay, if that’s what you want.”

And he should feel relief. He really should. Maybe some part of him did feel relieved, but all Evan could focus on was the emptiness that seemed to fill his whole body and weigh on his bones.

Eddie was waiting for him when Buck came back down. 

“How did it go?”

He couldn’t help but smile. “You heard everything.”

“Well… yeah.”

But that wasn’t really what Eddie was asking, so Buck replied, “I'm okay. I mean… I'm not right now. But I will be.”

The other man nodded. “You want to come over later? Hang out with me and Chris.”

And Evan knew that was Eddie's way of making sure he wasn’t alone with his thoughts; that he was taken care of and surrounded by people that loved him.

“I don't know. I should probably talk to Maddie first.” He grimaced. Yeah, that was going to be fun.

“Oh, yeah. Definitely.” They were quiet for a moment. “Are you gonna… tell her?”

“I probably should...”

“Evan, it's not about what you shou—”

“I know that. But if there is one person I owe an explanation… It is my sister.”

Eddie nodded and squeezed his shoulder. “Call me after, okay?”

“Okay.”

He didn’t expect Chimney to still be at the station, even less he expected the man to be looking as if he was waiting for Buck.

“That go okay?”

“Uh, yeah. Yeah, I think so.” Buck didn’t look into the man's direction, instead going straight to his locker.

“Is it gonna be okay with Maddie?”

“Chim, I- I can't.”

“You're totally allowed to be mad at her, but if you can find a way to forgive them you've gotta find a way to forgive her.”

Buck looked at his friend. He was so tired of fighting everyone. “Who said I forgave them?”

Howie frowned. “But you said—”

“I told them to not expect me to greet them with open arms in my life. Said that it's too late. They respected my decision.”

“Okay.” He looked like he was weighing his words. “So what about Maddie?”

“She should've told me.”

“She didn't want you to think that you weren't wanted, “ Chim rushed to explain. “That you weren't loved.”

“You know what? I wasn’t.”

“Yes, you were. By her.”

And if that didn’t make Evan's blood boil. He didn’t want to argue about that day, he always knew there was more to it, but now he couldn't hold back.

“She sent me away, Chim.” His voice wavered. “I needed her, and she wasn't there. She just handed me keys to a car, and sent me on my way so that I didn't mess up her life.”

He knew the words were a mistake as soon as he said them.

“The Jeep? That's what you're talking about?” Chimney looked a bit annoyed.

“Of course, you know about that.” Buck chuckled without any humour.

“More than you, apparently.”

The younger man closed the locker probably harsher than was expected. “Oh, yeah? You wanna tell me a story about Doug? Because trust me. I know, “ he spat.

“If you're so bright, why are you blaming her? ”

“I'm not blaming her for leaving me that night. Sure at first I was mad that she didn’t come with me. Then, I started thinking and figured it must have been this asshole's fault. That's not why I'm mad.” He tried to take a deep breath to compose himself, but it didn't have the anticipated effect. “I don't want to blame her for anything, but the little kid in me, the one who was left alone in a big house, with parents that couldn’t care less about his needs and ignored him half of the time, “ he made sure Chimney was looking at him, “ he does. But most of all he is hurt and doesn't know what to do with it.”

Chimney didn’t say anything at first, he was just taking him in, in the silence that settled around them.

“Ignored you half of the time, “ he repeated and Buck wanted to scream, but then. “What about the other half?”

He shrugged. 

“ Buck. ”

“Maddie doesn't know. She never did, so I don't even… I don't even know why I'm mad but I am.” He knew that Chim was going to figure it out even if he never said the words.

And of course, Evan was right because the next thing he knew the older man was hugging him. He tried to breathe and found that the action was a lot easier now than it was during the last few days.

When they separated, which was after an embarrassingly long time, Chim squeezed his shoulder. “I still think you should talk to Maddie.”

Buck smiled sheepishly. “That was the plan. I have no idea why I started… I'm so—”

“No. You have nothing to apologise for, “ he cut him off. “Come on, I'll wait until you're changed and then take you over to mine.”

Buck could only nod.

Realistically, Evan knew that Maddie would understand and wouldn’t think of him any less. That thought didn't help though, because he could feel himself sweating during the ride in Chimney's car.

They made it to Chim's flat faster than Buck anticipated.

“Hi, Did you…” Maddie started but trailed off as soon as she saw who walked in behind her boyfriend.

“I'm gonna give you guys a minute.” With that Chim went to another room.

“So Mom and Dad came to the firehouse, “ he started. “Wanted me to forgive them.”

She visibly swallowed. “And did you?”

“No, “ he shook his head and let out a small laugh. “God, no.”

“Buck, I know that Daniel—”

“It's not about Daniel. That's actually what I wanted to talk about with you.” He waited until she made the first step.

Maddie pointed at the couch and made a move to sit down, so Evan followed and took that as a sign to continue. “I'm sorry. I know that I had every right to be mad but also I know, I was too far up in my head to hear you out.”

His sister still looked concerned but a soft smile came over her mouth. “That's actually very… mature.”

“Yeah, “ he ducked his head. 

Maddie took a deep breath. “You said you didn’t forgive them. Do you wanna tell me why?”

Buck slowly reached for her hand. “You should know that I don't blame you for this.”

Her brows furrowed. “Buck—”

“So, “ he smiled awkwardly, “remember that time you tried to teach me how to ride a bike?”

Buck spilled everything. Once he started, he couldn't stop the word flow. At some point, Maddie started crying, yet he kept on talking.

“Mads.” He squeezed her hand and gave a shaky smile once she looked at him with red-rimmed eyes. “It's okay.”

Suddenly, she looked furious. “Like hell, it is!” He flinched but thankfully she didn’t notice. “You're telling me, after all of this, they still had the nerve to fly here. To have dinner with you and me. To pretend that it didn't happen?”

Evan sighed. “Is it really that surprising?”

She shook her head. “I guess it's not.” She put her head in her hands. “God, I was so blind. So stupid. ”

“Hey, hey.” He took her hands and moved them away from her face. “None of that.”

“Why are you so—” She made a motion with her hand towards him. “So… I don’t know. Understanding. Calm.”

“Well, I wasn’t for the last few days. And I almost died on that call last night because I didn't have a clear head.” Buck rubbed the back of his neck. “You were right. I shouldn't have been working.”

She solemnly nodded. “So talking with them gave you closure?”

He snorted. “Not even close. But I do feel better. Eddie has been a huge help. And Chim.”

“Wait. Howard knew?”

“No, no. Well, I told him… Kind of… Like three hours ago. But he was very supportive.” He then smirked. “If he knew before, trust me. You would know too.”

She slapped his arm. “Ass.”

A bit of silence.

“So… therapy?” Maddie still looked concerned and sad but also more light than before their conversation. They both did.

“Yeah. It's yeah. I'll be okay. And so will you and your kid.”

She frowned. “I'm not sure if I want to have our parents in my life. I want my child to have a big family but…”

“Hey, we'll deal with it once it comes to it, “ Buck assured.

“We?” She looked hopeful.

“I may not want them to have anything to do with my life but I won’t leave you to deal with them alone.”

She smiled and put out her pinky. “Promise?”

He shook his head, fondly. “Promise.” 

“You know, “ she added. “I'm proud of you.”

And the truth was, for the first time in years, he was proud of himself too.

Later, when he finally sat alone at his apartment, a string of messages popped up on his phone. Hen was asking if he wanted to come over to dinner on Friday. Athena sent an invite to a barbecue at theirs on the FireFam group chat. Chim was making sure Buck got home safe.

And when he read Eddie's text the widest of grins came across his face.

Chris says if you won’t come over tonight, he is going to sell all the books you gave him at a garage sale. And he won't share what he learned about songbirds.

When he was about to respond another text came through.

PS I really wanna make sure you're okay. Kinda need to see you with my own eyes.

And Evan didn’t think he could feel lighter than he did at the moment.