Work Text:
“I’m just a human.” It was a phrase Gale Cleven heard one too many times. From his drunkard of a father after he decorated Gale’s cheeks with his handprints, to his mother saying it the night she left him. He even heard his fellow comrades say it, one more than others.
John Egan used that line every time Gale was forced to drag his whiskey-scented body across the town and into his bed. It wasn’t a chore, not to Gale. Because during those late nights, he could allow himself to play pretend. He would act as if he wasn’t Gale Cleven, a Major of the 100th Bomb group, a leader, and a man. In that alternate universe, he was just a person in love with their best friend.
In this one, he was a Major forced to watch his best friend dance with someone who wasn’t him. He was forced to imagine what would it feel like to be the one whose waist John handled with so much care and whose body he adorned with wet kisses. What would it be like to be the protagonist of his dirty fantasies? The person who made his body burn with desire and breath quicken with frustrations.
Gale wasn’t someone who lost control often. That night was a rare occasion where his nerves were too sensitive and his body too eager. He watched John dance with a beautiful girl, whisper into her ear, knowing damn well that he was going to be underneath that skirt by the end of the night. The soldiers around him were usually good enough of a distraction, betting on stupid things and loudly singing, but that night he couldn’t peel his gaze off of John.
His grin lazily spread across his face as his eyes were focused on the lady’s lips. He would ever so often bite his lip or throw his head back, laughing at her silly jokes. His large hands were steadily placed on her waist as the rehearsed lines left his lips, causing the girl to blush like a beet.
Perhaps it was the weight of the war that came crushing on top of Gale or the burden of all the men they lost over the year. Gale wondered if the reason for his outbreak was the uncanny resemblance he found between himself and the woman. She was slim, with short blond hair and piercing blue eyes. Her smile was shy and not easy to be pulled out of her, the same as Gale’s.
Whatever the reason was, Gale couldn’t watch anymore. His abrupt movement through the bar left most of the men concerned, one more than the others. He needed air or he would suffocate in that room. But it wasn’t the room he was escaping from, but the man inside it. Unfortunately for him, the man followed him.
“Buck! You good?” John’s blaring voice was overpowering the music that could still be heard from the bar even though they were a few meters away from it.
“I’m good, John! Just go back!” Gale found the strength in him to reply.
John didn’t go back. He didn’t pressure Gale to talk either, but he did follow him. He followed him all the way to the small patch of grass, not too far away from the barracks they slept in. Gale didn’t sit down on the wet grass, just stood there with hands on his hips looking into the distance. The city lights were dancing through the dark sky, playing with the clouds as John walked up to him.
“Tell me what’s wrong,” John ordered, now that it was just them two. Uncharcetistally for him, Gale raised his voice.
“I just want someone to understand John!” Gale confessed, confusing John even more.
“Understand what?”
The desperation in John’s voice left Gale speechless. He truly wanted to understand, but Gale could never let him know. How could he? And, what good would it bring? Letting out a deep sigh, Gale sat down on the grass. John towered over him, waiting for John to look at him. Once the stare never came, he lowered himself next to Gale.
For the first time since Gale had met John, the silence they sat in was uncomfortable. It made his skin shrivel and the close proximity between them unbearable. Gale wished he could turn back time and just stay sat in that goddamn chair. He would rather watch Gale kiss the girl, who reminded him of him, feeling the knife stab his chest than be in this position.
“How about this?” John broke the pregnant pause. Feeling his stare on him, Gale couldn’t help looking at him from the corner of his eye. “Tonight both of us will tell one another our deepest, darkest desires. Something we won’t be able to repeat once the Sun comes up. No matter how gruesome or disturbing the desire is, we can’t judge one another.”
As Gale was about to call bluff or complain about the idiocy of this idea, John continued.
“And when the morning comes, we won’t ever speak of it again. The other also won't speak after one of us says their desires, they will just stay quiet,” he promised, looking at Gale with those hopeful, big eyes. “It will be like it has never happened.”
“What’s the point then?” Gale questioned. John’s eyes took their turn looking at Gale’s right eye and then left one, as if he was searching for something in them.
“To lessen the burdens on our shoulders.”
“I don’t know, John,” Gale trailed off as he wasn’t fully convinced.
“I’ll start then, okay?” John offered as he pulled the metal flask from the inner pocket of his sheepskin jacket. God did Gale hate that jacket. Not because it was ugly like he told John, but because John made even that stupid jacket look good on him. John took a big gulp of the alcoholic beverage before speaking.
“I’m terrified I’ll end up alone.”
Gale inspected the side of John’s face as the confession, hard as a rock, left his chest.
“Almost every night, I pick up a pretty dame from that bar and use her body. Don’t get me wrong she uses mine just as much,” John chuckled before his eyes lost their spark once again. He took a swing out of the alcohol resting in the metal flask before continuing.
“It’s just that… Once it’s done, I’m alone again. I tried so many times, but I somehow kept failing. People always say I’m full of love. Could it be possible that the reason I breathe air is just to exhale all the love I have in me? And people will keep breathing me in, every last gasp of it until the burden leaves my lungs. Perhaps then the purpose of my existence will be fulfilled.”
Gale was lost for words. He couldn’t believe he spent years observing every single movement of John’s but had never noticed this. But then again, he had also spent each day being in love with him, and John had never noticed that.
“I often think I could be simply that unlovable. You know, I’m fun, I’m exciting, but I’m not someone people fall for. And next to people finding me unlovable, I can’t seem to fall in love either. I want to fall in love. It doesn't matter if it will hurt, or if I will cry myself to sleep every night after they leave me. I want to know what it feels like to love someone so much it hurts. I want to care about them more than the thought of whether the sun will shine tomorrow. Even if they hurt me and leave me with countless scars, I want to know what it feels like to love someone so much that you don't care about the pain that they will leave after they are gone.”
John’s gaze was still fixed on the city in front of them, unmoving. Gale, on the other hand, itched to tell him just how wrong he was. Loving John was as easy as breathing. There wasn’t a single bone in his body that was unlovable. Gale would spend an eternity convincing him just how wrong he was if given the chance.
He was also very wrong about the other part of his confession. Gale had been, and still is, on that side. Feeling the love deep in his chest, knocking on his insides as if to say “Let me out!”. He spent more nights than he could count, sobbing in the showers with his hands covering the sobs that were leaving his mouth. The constant hope that one day John would miraculously change his mind and see Gale, truly see him, was the most deluded thought. Still, it kept him up most of the nights. The endless what ifs.
“I want it to be me just for once,” the blond muttered as John turned to face him. The confusion was slowly rising on his face, so Gale looked forward, away from the heavy gaze that laid upon his cheek now.
“I’m always the second choice or not a choice at all. I’ve never met someone who has wanted me, truly all of me. I guess it’s my fault too because no one knows the whole truth about me.”
Gale could still remember how he wasn’t the first choice not even to his parents. There was always someone more important, more loving, more significant than him.
“I watch them every night with different people, laughing, smiling, being themselves, and I just wish that I could be the reason for those smiles. Just for once. And I know I’ll never say it out loud because I’m a coward, and maybe that’s what hurts the most,” Gale confessed remembering the look on the girls’ faces as John would give them his undevoting attention. “Knowing I won’t ever even get the chance because I’m me.”
Gale knew that John had more questions than fingers on his fingers. Still, he stayed truthful to the deal and kept his mouth shut. From the corner of his eyes, Gale could see John nodding his head in acknowledgment. He looked so beautiful under the moonlight, like a Greek god who lost his way with the mere mortals. The mustache that looked rather silly on everyone graced his face beautifully. Gale wondered how it would feel against his skin. Would it prickle the soft patches of his skin or would it tickle him?
“I wish I was a girl.” The whisper left Gale’s lips before he could stop it. He could only pray that it was hummed so lowly that John didn’t pick it up. But the way, John’s body froze and how he suddenly looked towards John, eyebrows furrowed and eyes wild, Gale knew his prayers were useless.
Gale pushed himself off the green grass and marched his way into the barracks. The clothes were being pulled off of his body as tears were threatening to fall down. John may not know who Gale was talking about, but now he knew it was not about a dame. As he covered himself with the blanket, he heard the door open. He shut his eyes tightly and hoped it wasn’t who he thought it was.
It was a rather stupid thing to hope for when he knew it was John. He could recognize his step in the darkest nights and loudest rooms. He would know him by his scent alone. Thankfully, he hadn’t spoken. The bed next to Gale’s, belonging to John, creaked as John had laid on it.
Gale hadn’t dared to open his eyes until the Sun rose.
It had been a week since that night. John’s gaze did linger a bit longer than usual on Gale the next morning, but, as promised, he never spoke of it. The confessions were buried six feet underground and Gale wondered what was the use.
Sometimes, sitting in the barrack, or the dining hall, his thoughts would wander off. He would imagine a group of officers pulling him away from the people, who used to admire him but now look at him with disgust, and being humiliated in front of everyone for being queer while John would grin.
That never happened, of course. John was everything but disloyal. He was like a dog that Gale decided to keep and adorn until the day it would leave his side. John never left his side though, and never treated him differently even though now he knew.
Gale also wondered if he should have just told him everything then. He wondered if John would have stayed this calm if he knew the person Gale so desperately wanted was him. Perhaps the scene he kept imagining in his head would happen then.
One thing that Gale learned was that John could be cruel too. The next weekend they had found themselves in the same bar, exactly one week since their confessions. They sat around the counter, shoulders touching as John entertained everyone with his neverending supply of childhood stories. Ever so often, John’s hand would get lost on Gale’s shoulder, which wasn’t unusual behavior so Gale didn’t pay much attention to it.
However, the warm palm resting on his upper thigh was something new. Gale hoped John didn’t feel that him flexing his muscles out of surprise, or that he swallowed the drink faster than ever before. The hand never left though. It had found its designated place there, often traveling up and down, or even squeezing the muscles of Gale’s thigh.
To an outsider, Gale didn’t look any different than usual. However, if you paid enough attention you would notice the unsettled Adam’s apple that kept bobbing up at down, as well as the bruised lips from biting them down too hard to contain himself from letting out sounds that were not forgivable.
John didn’t talk to any of the dames tonight. One even tried talking to him, but he seemed rather uninterested, so she left. His attention was on Gale, and Gale loved it as much as he hated it. He loved it because this was what he had wanted for the longest time, to be the one John would touch nonchalantly. But, he also hated it because it didn’t mean to John what it had meant to Gale. To Gale, it meant everything, while to John it was a simple, friendly contact.
It meant nothing, right?
So, why was John looking at him like that? The night had traveled into the late hours and there was no one at the bar, but the two. His hand was still in the same position, perfectly content with where it was. But his gaze was now on Gale too.
Gale, feeling a sudden wave of confidence, looked him back into the deep eyes. They were a bit too close for it to be a friendly conversation, and they weren’t speaking really. All they were doing was having an eye contact battle that neither of them wished to lose. John was the first one to break it, as his gaze landed on top of Gale’s bruised lips. Gale subconsciously ran his tongue over them, making John smirk slightly and look back at him.
Feeling like he couldn’t breathe anymore, Gale stood up from the chair, leaving John behind. Or so he thought. Soon after he walked out of the bar and hid in the dark alley, he closed his eyes trying to catch his breath that John had so easily taken away from him. The next time he opened them, John was leaning against the wall, arms crossed, looking right at him.
“Why are you doing this?” Gale’s voice trembled as his lips started shaking.
Why are you doing this to me, he wanted to ask but wasn’t brave enough to.
“Buck,” John whispered, the concern written all over his face as he pushed himself off the wall. Gale’s stretched-out palm stopped him from coming any closer.
“Why are you tormenting me?” The tears were rolling down his cheeks as he finally looked John in his eyes. “ Is this your way of punishing me for what I had said last week? Do you want me to turn myself in? Is that it?”
“What? No, Gale. I promise that’s not it!”
Hearing John use his government name was proof enough to know he wasn’t really trying to hurt Gale. However, he still didn’t know what he was trying to achieve.
“Why then? And don’t give me the bullshit that it was a friendly thing,” Gale spat out feeling braver by the second. John, on the other hand, started to look smaller.
“Would you hate me if I said that I did it simply because I wanted to,” his voice was barely above a whisper, almost as if he was scared of the statement that left his mouth.
John truly was cruel. A cruel man who was toying with his feelings, taking no responsibility for the way he made Gale feel. Still, Gale couldn’t hate him. He admired him actually. For doing something, so risky purely because he had wanted to.
“It was me, right?” John’s question made Gale tilt his head to the side in confusion.
“The person you were talking about. The one whose attention you wanted.”
The silence was enough of an answer. Gale didn’t trust his voice to deny it or to say anything for a matter of fact, so he stayed silent.
“I’m sorry I didn’t notice you before,” John started as he came closer to Gale. So close that Gale could feel his whiskey breath on his face. “But since last Saturday, you’re all I’m noticing.”
Gale wished there was a mirror in front of him, just so he could see how comical he looked at that moment. He could feel his eyes widening as John started confessing something Gale couldn’t believe was true.
“I always worried about you during the mission, but when I couldn’t find you in the clouds yesterday, I was so close to diving down to the ground along with the nine men in my aircraft. I cared for no one, but you. You’re all I think about, you occupy every space of my mind and body, Buck. I keep noticing the stupid little habits of yours, like how you love to speak while still chewing, or the way you love to raise your left eyebrow when you know I’m talking utter bullshit to you. The way you roll your eyes at my stupid jokes but that smile never seems to fail to appear at the same time too.”
John raised his right hand and let the fingertip of his pointer finger touch Gale’s wrist as his eyes followed the action. He started moving his finger over the leather jacket, and even though Gale couldn’t feel it on his skin, his whole body was shivering. He was breathing heavily through his nose as he kept watching John’s face which was still focused on his own finger. The finger made its way to the top of Gale’s arm as now his whole hand had cupped Gale’s shoulder, squeezing it gently.
Only then did John look at him as he seemed to be in a dilemma about what to do next. For the first time, Gale saw a level of vulnerability in John’s eyes as he was almost pleading Gale not to push him off. Gale couldn’t do that even if he had wanted to.
The hand moved from the shoulder and cupped his cleanly shaved jaw as the other hand grabbed his waist. Gale gasped out loud while John couldn’t help smirking for a split second at his reaction.
“Tell me I’m right,” he whispered after leaning in close enough to almost be touching Gale’s lips. If Gale was to move his head the tiniest millimeters, their lips would be touching. Still, he stayed put. “Tell me it’s me.”
John’s voice was desperate as the tension between them grew. It grew to the point that Gale couldn’t contain himself anymore.
“It has always been you.”
Just like that, it was over. The deepest secret he had locked away in his heart was out in the open. In a heartbeat, John’s expression went from pure shock that Gale had indeed confessed his feelings to him, to joy like Gale had never seen before.
The gap closed as John pushed himself against Gale, trapping him between his own body and the wall. After so many years of wishing to feel John’s lips against his own, they were finally there. As John gripped his jaw with lust beaming from his movements, he deepened the kiss. Gale was a mess, letting out shameless noises only John was allowed to hear and John’s chest was filling with pride.
Who knew that a silly moment of weakness would bring them to this point? Whether it was a moment of weakness or strength was left to be discussed, but whatever it was, neither of them were displeased with the outcome. John got the chance to love and be loved while Gale was at last freed of the chains that were holding him down.