Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

It is often said that undercurrents of unbeknownst meanings lie even behind the never-seen-before faces occurring in the dream. There is nothing in this world that’s not connected. The dots seem to be ever-present, the threads meshed in intricacies we cannot see with naked eye sometimes. But even if they are engulfed in haze, their existence remains unchallenged.

That face was never-seen-before too. A face in front of which dreamscapes would shy away; a face, which even though I had never seen in my dreams, was somehow better than any dream I could ever have; a face which I had the chance to see just by sheer luck; a face I never knew would become everything I could have ever wanted but never really knew I did.

A face I fell in love with the moment I set my gaze on it.

Getting invited to occasions was mundane, something I was used to. So when my ex-professor invited me to the wedding of his son, I accepted it like I had accepted almost everything around me, like I had accepted everything inside me, like I had accepted the blissfully subdued basket of emotions I never thought I had the need to feel.

But what was not mundane, what I was not used to, was that face.

Just that one face, that one person, and the basket of emotions spilled all over my heart like pleasantly cool water covers the dried grass silently wailing to get its thirst quenched. One look at that face and every forgotten sensation sprouted with a ferocity I never knew I was capable of garnering. All I could do was stand there in the vines of my own emotions that kept on tightening around my heart and my throat alike.

For the first time in the life that I had mechanically led, I realized I was delighted. Truly, genuinely happy. And it was all because of the chirpy, ecstatic man I was having the pleasure of gazing at; the man in front of whom every star seemed to dim; the man whose aura was so inexplicably vivacious, it brightened up my drab existence like a miracle slowly unfolding. The man.. who was getting married.

I never knew paradoxes existed even when it came to emotions but I did believe in it when it happened with me at the realization. I felt incandescent happiness course through me like sparks of electricity, as if I was nothing but a livewire; but at the same time, I felt those vines of emotions tighten around my throat, subjecting me in a pain that threatened to shred my heart into pieces I knew I would never be able to join back. Happiness, because for the first time in forever, I was one with my real self, I was one with my heart that wanted to beat for someone, I was one with every little sensation triggering in me. And pain, because the only person who had made me feel for the first time was going to be someone else’s.

But if anyone would ask whether it was the most painful part of it all, I would have to disagree. Because the excruciatingly gut-wrenching part was that I was about to witness the whole thing right in front of me and I would be doing it with a smile on my face, when in actuality, everything inside me would be crying rivers.

“Jeongguk!”

The call of the name and I saw the man respond to it by turning. My breath hitched in my throat that very moment, heartbeats defying every norm by beating at a rate unknown to mankind.

Jeongguk.

I finally had the name to the face I was supposed to forget but decided on cherishing silently for the rest of my life.

“Jeongguk, your wedding suit is here from the tailor’s. Oh, it seems perfect.” Someone cooed.

I saw the smile on Jeongguk’s face turn into a pout, and oh. Every fibre of my being, every nerve through which blood ran inside me, every cell in my body wanted to just pull him close, lean in and kiss that pout away. Jeongguk should never experience emotions that had him frown like that. Jeongguk’s face should only know what smile looks like, what happiness feels like because it was the best look on him.

“If anyone dares to even peek at my wedding suit before me, I am going to set everything on fire.” Jeongguk yelled as he ran towards the man holding his outfit.

I felt my whole body freeze. How could I not?

That voice.

I had never been the one for the world of fantasies, had never even understood what people meant when they talked about angels and demons, fairies and ponies; but the voice that rang in my eardrums as loudly as the heartbeats in my chest had me know exactly what the deal was. Because the only thing I could think of after hearing Jeongguk’s voice was angels. It was soft, as if caressing my ears, falling over them in a way no other voice had managed to. It was as if I was hearing for the first time, as if I had gotten a whole new life where the only voice I wished to know was of Jeongguk and Jeongguk alone.

I watched him run towards his group of friends who kept on teasing him, not letting him see the outfit. It had the pout on Jeongguk’s face deepen and with it deepened my agony too. My hands itched to hold him close, to cup his face and murmur sweet things in his ear to make him smile again, to give him everything he wished for and more. But I stood there, gazing from afar; because sometimes, all you can do is admire the beauties of life and move on. In my heart, I knew moving on would be near to impossible from the juncture I was at, nonetheless, I suppressed the dread all the way down to my inner abyss. This moment was mine. And in this moment, Jeongguk was mine too, even if ephemerally so.

“Jeonggukie, atleast let them get done with your makeup.”

I looked at my side to find my ex-professor, Mr. Jeon, whose fond gaze was set on his son. He had gotten older, the wrinkles on his face more prominent since the last time I had seen him. It felt as if we had leapt through time without bounds. But I noticed how he glowed with content seeing his son revel in the happiness he had chosen for himself.

“I am getting married, Appa! Schedules will follow me, not the other way around.” Jeongguk huffed, finally managing to snatch his wedding suit, giggling in glee as he checked it out.

I stood as a man utterly incapable of using cognitive functions it seemed because I could not make a single finger move. That giggle. The unabashed laughter. That smile resembling the spring bloom. Everything about Jeongguk was enticing in the most endearing of ways and I felt like a marionette in his hands, willing to bend to his whims and wishes, if only he asked.

“I have dealt with hundreds of students, none of them had the gall to disobey me. Look at me now, Taehyung. Old, wrinkled and surrendering to my own son.” Mr. Jeon sighed.

I could see the utter fondness swimming in his eyes, incomparable love dripping from his voice and I knew he was more than happy to bow down to his son’s wishes. Who would not? I couldn’t blame my professor. I would give Jeongguk the world too if given chance.

“Doesn’t look like you mind it though, Mr. Jeon.”

The man chuckled, nodding as he gazed his son.

“There is just so much you can do infront of the people you absolutely love, I suppose.” Mr. Jeon said, his voice soft. “One day, he came to me, sat infront of me, took my hand and told me he had found his person. The way his eyes shone was enough for me to give his choice a chance, respect his wishes because he had always respected mine; even though I had envisioned something else for him. In the end, he only has me and I have him.”

I could only nod, didn’t think I had the right to say anything.

“Jeongguk, stay back a moment, son.”

I turned to find the cause of my paradoxical emotions right behind me and I stumbled back slightly, trying to gain semblance to my being because I was just a breath away from combusting whole. Jeongguk was standing right infront of me, so close I probably didn’t deserve to be that close to him. He was the sun after all. And I was just me, a lifeless crumb of rock that had withered way before it was supposed to.

Jeongguk was ethereal, especially up close. His eyes resembled that of a doe’s; big and beautiful, glitters of glee shining in them, reflecting life into my barren world even if just for the moment. His nose was adorable, button-like and the way he scrunched it up had my heart stutter, absolutely melt at the cuteness of it all. The next worst thing that happened was my gaze getting caught on his lips, because oh dear lord, what were petals in front of them. They were tinted slightly pink, the same shade I felt my cheeks turn into with how flustered I was in presence of someone so.. everything. Jeongguk was just everything best in this world.

I immediately realized just how disastrous this was. I should never have come face to face with life itself; not when all I had been was a lifeless robot all along, who had been content in just existing. Suddenly, I was too aware of my own self, my appearance, my personality, my demeanor. I was dressed in a simple shirt over which was a V-neck olive green sweater and had paired it with a pair of beige trousers. I pushed my glasses further on the bridge of my nose, wanting to just disappear because Jeongguk was actually looking at me and despite myself, I wanted to hide.

I knew I did not have any chance, but I still wanted Jeongguk to keep looking at me; really look at me, validate my presence because I sure could not until now. Just his gaze could complete me I felt.

“Guess who this is.” Mr. Jeon said, pulling me out of my self-deprecating thoughts.

Jeongguk furrowed his brows, giving me a once over.

“Uhm.. I really cannot remember meeting him, Appa.” Jeongguk mumbled.

“Ofcourse you haven’t met. But you have heard a lot about him.” Mr. Jeon nudged.

I saw Jeongguk ponder for a few moments before his eyes widened, as if in recognition. I couldn’t stop staring at him, I just couldn’t. I wished to know how would it feel to be at the receiving end of this boy’s attention, his affection. But there was no way for me to find out. Not now. Not ever, probably.

“Oh gosh, are you the infamous Kim Taehyung?” Jeongguk squeaked, eyes getting bigger again.

I opened my mouth to speak but I stood there dumbstruck, in awe of Jeongguk’s voice, his eyes, his beauty, his whole being. I desperately wanted to talk to him, to share a few words because that was the most I might get a chance to do. But before I could gather my guts, Jeongguk came closer to me a step and every ounce of courage that I had gathered just vanished like mist in sunlight.

“You have absolutely no idea how you have been the reason of my agonies, Mister.” Jeongguk huffed, his hands resting on his hips as he directed his glare at me.

I almost spluttered. Just the thought of causing any sort of discomfort to this angel of a boy seemed preposterous to me. I would rather run headfirst into a tree than be the reason Jeongguk was suffering. I opened my mouth to disagree, to say something, anything at this point but the way Jeongguk mesmerized me with his proximity, I could only blink.

“My father is so taken by you that all my life the only person I have heard of is you. He just doesn’t stop singing your praises.” Jeongguk pouted yet again.

I would have leaned in this time if only the father of the boy I was so into wasn’t standing right beside me, in the range where he could easily smack me. I felt all my restraints break in the face of Jeongguk, my morality laid compromised, my ethics fade. The only thing that remained was Jeongguk and I stood surprised by my unwillingness to do anything about it.

“You know what was hilarious though?” Jeongguk hushed, as if sharing a secret, his eyes shining bright. “He wanted to get us married. You and I, oh my god, can you believe it?”

Jeongguk was giggling, but somewhere deep inside, I felt my heart shatter. Ofcourse he would think that way. Ofcourse imagining a life with me would be hilarious to him, something unimaginable, something unbelievable. I couldn’t blame Jeongguk. I empathized with him. But it didn’t lessen the ache I felt in my heart.

“You are getting married and yet you know nothing about being tactful, Jeonggukie. Stop yapping, will you?” Mr. Jeon chided softly.

“Well, was it a lie though, Appa? You were obsessed with the idea of us together.” Jeongguk grinned sheepishly.

Us.

Coming out from Jeongguk, it made me feel euphoric. But the context equally broke my heart yet again. The Us I was imagining and the Us Jeongguk gave me was oceans apart. I felt like drowning in that ocean, atleast that way, I would have something of Jeongguk with me for the rest of my life.

“Okay, I am going to go now. I need to get my makeup done. It was nice meeting you, Taehyung-ssi.” Jeongguk bowed slightly before running away.

There was not a word I could speak to him, not a single syllable came out of me and I had not felt regret wash over me with such intensity before. I wanted to run after him, to hold his hand and make his eyes linger on me, I wanted to have all of his attention on me but I was aware fortune wasn’t on my side for that. Jeongguk’s groom was already on his way and all those stars in the boy’s eyes were reserved only for him. There was no place for me in there. The acknowledgement of that fact cut deep in me, tears bleeding out of the crevices.

The distance between us was barely there but I was standing at a point from where I was going to be the solo itinerant. These new feelings that had unfurled were only within me and I couldn’t, in my dreams, expect Jeongguk to acknowledge them, let alone reciprocate. He was joyously dancing around with his friends, his happiness was palpable and I couldn’t help but smile. For him. Because even if he would not be mine, I would make peace with the fact that he has found his happy ending.

A sudden commotion pulled me out of my thoughts. People were frantically running around. I looked around but all I could see was chaos ensuing gradually. I couldn’t understand just what was wrong. I looked in the direction where Jeongguk was, to find Mr. Jeon grabbing him by his shoulders as he cried, telling him something. Confusion washed all over me.

“Excuse me, Ma’am.” I called a woman, who turned with distress painted all over her face. “Can you tell me what happened?”

“Oh, the car the groom was in, crashed with a trailer. Apparently, the driver was speeding. They are saying the groom couldn’t make it, neither did the people in that car.” The woman said, her voice shaking as she left.

I stood stunned. The first instinct was to turn and check on Jeongguk, and the moment I saw him, I felt my own heart shatter into pieces at the sight. Blood had drained from Jeongguk’s face, he seemed frozen. Lifeless; an antonym to how he had been just five minutes back. It was clear he wasn’t able to process the information. The smile on his face had vanished, the stars in his eyes had fallen, dimmed, disappeared and I felt intense ache surge through me.

I jolted in his direction, almost wanting to hold him close when the boy fell on his knees, expression still blank, void of any emotion. His eyes were distant, staring at the vacuum; tears silently rolling down his eyes. Words had left him, so had his angelic voice it seemed. He didn’t respond to anyone who desperately tried to console him; just sat there, comatose like state engulfing him.

The change was so stark, I felt my eyes burn for some reason. In just a moment, Jeongguk’s whole world had turned topsy-turvy and I was still a silent spectator of it all. I hated myself to be unable to do anything about this, but I was as helpless as anyone else in the room. I watched as two of Jeongguk’s friends somehow made him stand and took him inside, I watched Jeongguk lose himself in front of the wicked game the universe had played with him and everything in me cried for the innocent boy who had only wished a happy life with the person he had chosen for himself.

I hadn’t braced myself just yet when the next moment, I saw Mr. Jeon collapse on the cold floor. This time, I actually ran, sitting close to him as I tried to make sure he was alright. My ex-professor embraced darkness right there, with his hand tightly holding mine, as if wanting to convey something I had no way of understanding.

†

“Who is Kim Taehyung here?”

My gaze snapped towards the voice, finding the doctor surrounded by few of the close relatives and one of Jeongguk’s friends. I immediately got up, pacing towards him.

“I am. Is everything alright?”

“I am afraid not. I have been treating him for a few years now and I am aware he hadn’t let anyone know. He was chronically ill since past year. This was his third heart attack and there has been a hole formation this time. We did our best, but I won’t give you any false hopes. I am sorry.”

I felt my heart almost stop. This was horrible. The only thought that invaded my mind was of Jeongguk’s wellbeing.

In the end, he only has me and I have him. Mr. Jeon’s words rang in my ears, numbing every other feeling.

“He asked to meet you, Taehyung-ssi. You can go in now.”

I could only nod, feeling helpless and distraught for reasons unknown to me. I felt gaze on me and looking up, I found Jeongguk’s friend staring at me with unreadable eyes. I had no bandwidth to ask him anything, I suddenly felt drained. I didn’t want to make the old man inside wait, so I went in carefully trying not to startle him.

Mr. Jeon was lying on the bed, wires plugged on his fragile body. I wiped the tears that stuck to my lashes, composing myself before I made my way towards him. When I sat at the edge of the bed near him, he opened his eyes slowly and I could see how much effort he had to make to move even slightly. This was the same man I had immense respect for all through my college life, this was the first person I had come out to and who had not judged me for it, this was the same man who had been a silent pillar of strength whenever I needed someone to lean on; this was the man I somewhere considered a guardian. Being an orphan does that to you, I guess. But whatever it was, looking at Mr. Jeon like this had a weird sense of gloom make its home in me.

“Taehyung-ah.. were you crying, son?” Mr. Jeon whispered.

I turned my head to the side, not being able to face him.

“I am sorry you had to witness all this.” He continued.

I held his hand making sure I was gentle.

“Why did you not tell anyone of your condition?”

Mr. Jeon chuckled, but it was breathier and I could see he was in pain.

“Jeongguk is sensitive, Taehyung-ah. He acts bratty and spoiled but there is no one else he loves more than me. I know it. Because I love him the most as well. What do you think would have happened if I had told him?”

“What will happen to him now then?” I couldn’t help but counter.

Mr. Jeon was quiet for a while. I noticed his gaze on me and there was an emotion swimming in his eyes that I couldn’t decipher. It unsettled me; as if I was put on spot and I didn’t even know what for.

“You know, when my son decided to be honest with me about his sexuality, it reminded me of the nerdy, sweet first-bencher I knew, the diligent boy I have always been fond of, who also trusted me with something so sensitive years ago.”

I could only stare at him.

“Jeongguk knew there was no point of getting married because we live in a society that would not recognise his union. But I supported his wish because I knew it would make him happy. Love seems to be a smaller emotion for how I have raised my Jeonggukie. I tried to be his mother and father both, tried to make him into someone who he himself would be proud of some day.” Mr. Jeon shared. “But now.. I know this is where I part from my baby, Taehyung.”

I felt my eyes burn with emotions. This was way more painful for me, this was a nightmare from which I wasn’t able to wake up.

“Jeongguk was not wrong when he said I really wished for him to marry you.”

I looked at him, helpless and pained.

“He will be all alone in a world that is too harsh for him, Taehyung. I know what I am about to ask of you might come off as selfish but if you deem this right.. will you consider marrying my son?”

Tears rolled down my eyes at the request. I wondered just what the universe had in store for both Jeongguk and I. I would have been ecstatic at the suggestion given different circumstances, but having Jeongguk by my side like this felt wrong because it was forced. Atleast for Jeongguk, it would always be an obligation. And I never wished to become his constraint.

“Mr. Jeon, I don’t think Jeongguk-ssi is in any state to even consider this.” I hushed.

He cupped my hand and I realised his hands were shaking.

“If you agree to this, I will talk to him.”

“That will be forcing him into this union. He is not in the right mind as of now. He is.. in a lot of pain, Sir.”

“You are already so worried for him. It makes me content that there will be someone who would love him so much after me.”

I felt my eyes widen at that. Love?

“I have known you the longest, son. Do you really think I wouldn’t notice how you looked at him?”

I had really thought I was being sly, hadn’t I? I should have run into traffic at this point. I had never felt so caught and embarrassed in my life. Mr. Jeon’s smile was soft as he squeezed my hand.

“I have no doubts that Jeongguk will find his happiness in you. If not now, some day, for sure. I can see how loved he will be. Will you? Love him the way he deserves, Taehyung?”

The withering man, with his hopeful, expectant eyes just lied there, but his words held so much power, they rattled me to the core. This was his last wish. He would never say it to not burden me, but I could feel it. I didn’t have it in me to deny that man. He had my back all through out, he had made me realise how peaceful it was to accept myself the way I am. The only response I could muster was gently squeezing his hand.

When I had agreed, I had not imagined that Mr. Jeon would ask me to stay while he talked to Jeongguk. Right in front of me. The whole thing was horrendous, but the awkwardness of this particular situation was beyond limits. I sat in the farther most corner, wanting the walls to camouflage me somehow. Being invisible wasn’t something I wasn’t familiar with. In a room full of people, I was barely noticeable anyway and I wanted to use that trait of mine as a superpower right now.

The moment Jeongguk entered, despite myself, I got up. That invisible thread pulling me towards the boy tugged at me and I wanted nothing more than to go and comfort him. Jeongguk looked devastated. His gaze was unfocussed, his pace zombie-like. It seemed as if he was dragging his feet somehow, every step seemed to pain him physically but his face remained impassive. As dead as a withered maple leaf. It was unbelievable to think this was the same guy who synonymised life for me. Looking at Jeongguk right now, lifeless and just.. existing; pain cackled in every inch of my body.

“Jeonggukie.. I might come off as insensitive, but if only I had more time.” Mr. Jeon’s soft voice brought me out of my thoughts.

Jeongguk sat unmoving, unresponsive.

“You chose someone for yourself and I was happy for you. I truly was. But life is a mystery sometimes, and all we are supposed to do is solve the puzzles it throws our way.” Mr. Jeon said, his voice sympathetic and gentle. “Even though I am your father, I have tried to be your friend more than anything. In that capacity, I just want to suggest something.”

Not a word came out of Jeongguk, his eyes gazing at the vacuum. I had never had the urge so strong to just let someone lean on me and cry. Jeongguk looked like he needed a good cry because right now it was evident that he had suppressed everything within. His loss was something I could never even dare to comprehend.

“I wouldn’t call it universe’s play or destiny’s wish, because what I am about to suggest is something that I see right in a moment like this. I know you didn’t choose him, son. You didn’t choose this. But if it gives you solace, consider Taehyung as the one who was chosen for you to experience something you otherwise might not have.”

My heartbeats raged inside my chest at those words. But what had me almost pass out was when Jeongguk looked up, straight into my eyes. I stood with my own eyes wide because even though I had agreed for my old professor’s sake, hearing those words out loud like that flummoxed me. Jeongguk’s eyes were on me but I could feel he did not see me. His eyes were empty, void of every emotion, void of everything that I had seen just a few hours back. And I understood one thing at that very moment.

This is what I would always be for him. Invisible.

I would be ever-present before him but he would never see me the way I want him to. I loathed my self-declared superpower then because I did not want to be invisible when it came to Jeongguk. I wanted to be seen; seen so desperately. Only by him.

“Leaving you alone in this world would be worse than death itself, my baby. Forgive me for I wouldn’t be with you when you would need me.” Mr. Jeon sobbed quietly.

Tears rolled down Jeongguk’s already puffy eyes as he gazed at his father. I stepped towards Jeongguk involuntarily, but stopped myself when Jeongguk cupped his father’s face and leaned down to kiss his forehead.

“You know I love you the most in this whole wide world, right, Appa?” Jeongguk smiled through his tears.

I had never felt so gutted ever in my life. Every child-like innocence he had suddenly seemed to disappear. In that one moment, I saw Jeongguk grow up all of a sudden, I saw him mature right there and this was single-handedly the biggest loss I had ever witnessed. The loss of that beautiful, joyous child inside Jeongguk.

“You will always be right here.” I heard Jeongguk whisper as he kept his father’s trembling hand right over his heart. “Everything will happen the way you want. I promise.”

The father cried in his son’s embrace but Jeongguk did not flinch, he did not even blink. It was as if he had surrendered in front of fate. That ball of warmth and happiness was lost somewhere and I couldn’t watch it anymore. I wanted to leave but when I tried, I found my feet not co-operating. How was it even possible that all of me just wanted to take care of Jeongguk in an urgency never experienced before, so intense that my own body defied me?

“Taehyung-ah.. will you come here, son?”

I flinched, my feet now automatically working. Those traitors. Mr. Jeon extended his palm infront of me, his hand still shaking and I couldn’t help but hold it, squeezing it in silent reassurance.

I will be there. For your son. For the person who has become a big part of my world from the moment I laid my eyes on him.

But I froze, absolutely short-circuited when he took my hand and placed Jeongguk’s hand in mine.

The first touch.

But instead of my heart thundering in ecstasy, all I felt was unbridled fear. Nerves wracked my whole body, far from anything pleasant. The hand in mine was soft, rivalling even feathers but the sense of responsibility it filled me with was so immense and so sudden, it impacted my being in the harshest of ways. The moment Jeongguk’s hand slipped in mine, I realized the weight of my decision, the weight of those emotions I was feeling, the weight of what future would hold for the both of us.

I was holding the hand of the only person who had captured all of my senses at once, I was holding the hand of the person who had made me realise I was a human capable of feeling emotions like these. But Jeongguk.. he was holding on to a liability. An obligation. This was the most tragic union of hearts, where our hearts weren’t even in it and there was no light to this abyss. At least not anytime soon.

Chapter Text

Silence is gold, they say.

Silences speak a lot, they say.                                                                                         

But god, would I give everything and anything just so I could break this silence between Jeongguk and I.

This was not gold; this wasn’t something I wanted one bit. I had been alone all my life, so the quiet was a friend. But for the first time ever, it felt as if this quietude was a black hole, engulfing my whole being and my heart into a darkness I had no idea how to deal with.

I turned to take a peek at the boy who seemed lost, his gaze fixed outside the window. The car ride was unnaturally quiet and my skin crawled underneath. Mr. Jeon had passed away the same night he had entrusted Jeongguk to me. The boy had been distraught to the point of no return but his face.. I had not seen a face that impassive in my life. And it rattled my very existence because I had seen how Jeongguk really was. Jovial and brimming with life. Even when his father was being laid six feet under, the only evident emotion on him were the tears that silently rolled down his eyes; the same eyes which had shone just a day back.

It hadn’t felt right to get married immediately when Jeongguk was going through a loss that big. So, it was finally after a week of his passing away that we were on our way back to Seoul. The difference? I was a married man now.

The ring on my ring finger shone in the dark, I wished our bond would too. Someday, if not now. Myriad of thoughts, in varied directions wracked in my head. I had lived a humble life all along, had never been excessively aspirational so I was content in the decent house I owned, in the basic luxuries and the necessities I could afford. But as I drove back to my comfort, I was suddenly hit by the discomfort Jeongguk might feel. It wasn’t that he was acclimatised to an extravagant lifestyle. Mr. Jeon had been a humble and modest man himself. But things were different when it came to Jeongguk’s bond with his father and his bond with me now. I was aware the boy wont ever say what was really in his heart, might not ask for something even if he wanted it. And that possibility was worse than anything. I never wanted Jeongguk to feel deprived but I could only do so much. This had to be a two-way street, sooner or later.

I jogged to the other side quickly, opening the car door for my husband. Oh dear lord. Just the sound of it had my heart pace and my nerves thrum. I have no idea why that happened, but it happened reflexively when I extended my hand infront of Jeongguk. A second later I realised just how idiotic that gesture was at this point. I wasn’t expecting anything, wasn’t hoping anything from Jeongguk’s side. It was just something I did out of courtesy, that surge in me to take care of Jeongguk rising more than ever.

Heat rushed to my face at my own impulse when Jeongguk’s eyes seemed to be stuck at my hand. I couldn’t even backtrack now and standing there was getting more embarrassing with every moment that passed. Those few seconds felt like ages, but then something happened; something that I had not expected one bit, something that had electricity course through my whole body. Jeongguk slipped his hand into mine. Willingly.

Whether it was helplessness or hesitance or just his goodwill to not make me feel embarrassed, I wasn’t certain. But this was enough. I couldn’t help but cup his hand with my other hand, knowing his gaze was on me. I wasn’t looking at him, only at our hands. Jeongguk was so soft, his whole being was like that. And it only had immense protectiveness surge within me.

Words threatened to come out but I had no courage, not right now atleast. So I just patted his hand twice, awkwardly; feeling like a loser as soon as I did it. I moved away, dropping his hand as I looked at him and gestured at my house, motioning him to go first.

Jeongguk only nodded, his face still blank of any emotion. There was no way of knowing what was going on in Jeongguk’s head, so I just decided to gauge his expressions. There were no signs of any emotion on his face as he looked at the house. My two-bedroom cottage was decent, I had always been a bit proud of how I decided to get it made. Amongst the houses in the neighbourhood, my house stood out in the sense that its construction was slightly English-styled. I had always been fascinated by that after all. So when I had gotten employed as the Human Resource Manager at one of the up and coming corporate houses, the first thing I had saved up for was my house.

Something hit me the moment I was unlocking the main door. This was the very first time I was bringing my partner, my husband to my home. This was my safe place, had always been a grounding presence amidst every up and downturn of my life for years now. I was about to share it with Jeongguk for the rest of my life. As happy as that realization had me, it also filled me with a sense of responsibility. Before Jeongguk could enter, I stopped him, entering myself first. I could see Jeongguk blink at me in confusion and I stared back for just a moment.

“I am aware what happened was not..” I managed my voice to not waver, “But, this is going to be the beginning of a new life. For the both of us. Traditionally, it is expected something else when the newly married couple enters their home for the first time.”

Jeongguk’s brows furrowed in confusion even more before I felt realization dawn upon him the way his eyes widened just a tad. And then, I saw Jeongguk’s cheeks turn pink. Was he.. blushing?

The boy averted his gaze, looking elsewhere and I did not want to risk making him uncomfortable at any cost. So I extended both of my hands, palms up, towards him.

“It doesn’t matter what people do. But since this is the first time I am bringing you to what is going to be our house, since from now on we are going to embark on a new journey irrespective of the context and details, I just.. wish to start this together.”

Jeongguk’s face was impassive yet again, the pink on his cheeks had faded, his eyes void and I felt the ache build inside. I stood with my hands extended towards him but I was somehow sure he wouldn’t grace me this time.

“Only if you are comfortable. If not, there is no-”

Words stuck in my throat, my breath almost left me when I saw Jeongguk put his hands on mine this time too. It felt as if I am living in a reverie the way Jeongguk was being so indulgent. I was standing behind the threshold, Jeongguk on the other side with both our hands in each other’s in between us. The feeling was indescribable. I wished for nothing more in that moment.

I walked back, pulling Jeongguk inside gently by our hands, making sure to not touch him more than necessary. He retracted his hands the moment we came inside though and even though I was expecting that, it still stung. The lack of the warmth of his hand in mine struck me like lightening. Having never experienced ache that persists in intensities like this, I wasn’t certain as to how we were going to navigate this. Together.

I gestured Jeongguk towards the bedroom and I saw instant dread crawl all over his demeanor. It was no puzzle to know why. But I didn’t explain anything, just walked towards the bedroom, giving him his space. There was no point in wasting time, or expecting anything more out of this so I garnered all my strength and began packing my things. I felt Jeongguk come inside with dragged steps, felt him stand at the door, felt his eyes on me. But I didn’t reciprocate his gaze. I couldn’t. I kept on packing, filling my bag with clothes and other necessities, vacating more and more space so Jeongguk wouldn’t feel cramped in any sense.

When I was finally done, I took my pillow and marched out of the room.

“You can take the room.” I said, making sure my voice was gentle. “That is the master bedroom, so you will have enough space. I’ll be in the room down the hall to your right. If you need anything, just let me know, please.”

Jeongguk’s eyes were silently on me, as if they were gauging me, as if they were trying to decipher me. I did not shy away from his gaze, wanted him to understand that his comfort will always be paramount to me. He nodded after a moment, so I gave him a small smile before turning to walk towards the guest room. I was aware the first thing Jeongguk might feel was relief. I could empathise with him. He was with a stranger after all. He had lost all the important people in his life. Empathizing became second nature if experiences resembled. I could understand Jeongguk’s grief well and imposing myself on the boy was the last thing I wanted.

When I opened the guest room, a deep sigh left me. It had become more like a storage room at this point. I had never cared to declutter it, only adding to the unnecessary stuff already lying around. I could literally see cobwebs around the walls, it was that unused. There was no way I was in any state to clean the mess as of now, so I just cleaned the bed, changed the sheets before deciding to take a shower.

The warm water dribbled down my frame and I couldn’t help think about what Jeongguk might be doing. He had declined the offer of dinner when I had asked him while coming back, so I didn’t force him. I did want him to eat, but I was in no position to tell him what to do. I never wanted to be that person. Even if I couldn’t give him a lot, I would always give him his space and his individuality. It wasn’t something I would ever take away from the boy.

I didn’t have much appetite either, so I decided to just have some wine and call it a night. I didn’t wish to bother Jeongguk, so I just looked at his door longingly; hoping that someday I would be at the other side, with him. I had never wanted a man more. Jeongguk had come stumbling my way and he had taken me with him. I wasn’t myself anymore. I had become Jeongguk’s.

I was about to go when I heard something that almost made my knees so weak that I felt I would fall down. Sobs.

Jeongguk’s sobs.

I stood there with my heart shattering in innumerable pieces yet again and the pain was excruciating because this time, I was aware even I was the reason behind those gut-wrenching sobs of the boy. I had done nothing wrong, only honoured the last wish of a dying man; but the guilt I experienced was like rust on my whole being, hollowing me with every passing moment. Jeongguk was crying on the other side and I stood here, with my hand on the door, so close yet separated by a door and invisible restraints all around me like claustrophobic chains, yearning and yearning for the boy I had come to value so much. All I wanted was to break the door, break all the barriers between us and hold Jeongguk in the safety of my arms, comfort him, make him smile. Jeongguk should smile. Always.

All I could do, though, was stand there and listen to my husband having a breakdown. If helplessness was a person, it would have been me. My own eyes stung at how devastated and pained Jeongguk sounded but what could I have done? First night of marriage, I felt both our hearts break and bleed in each other’s hands.

†

Hesitance.                                                                                                 

Walking on the eggshells.

Bone-cracking anxiety.

I never thought I would associate these emotions with marriage. Never wanted to. But now that it was my conscious decision, complaining wasn't something I wished to do. I stood infront of the bedroom door yet again. I had to leave for my work soon and Jeongguk had not come out of the bedroom once. Worry washed over me but I decided to be patient.

I knocked on the door for the second time, but there was no response. There wasn't even the shuffling of footsteps or the bedsheets. Jeongguk was probably still asleep and rightly so. The boy might have been exhausted. Also, the remembrance of how he had cried for hours last night had me cease. So, I decided to make breakfast for the both of us, plating some for him and keeping it on the kitchen counter; accompanied by a paper which had my contact number and the address of my office along with the names of receptionist and one of my colleagues for good measure.

I eyed the paper, my gaze falling over the bunch of sunflowers in the vase that I liked to keep in the coffee table in my living room. These were the only colors and brightness in the drab existence of mine. And for reasons I was getting at gradually, I wanted those colors to brighten up Jeongguk as well, because even though he was the sun himself, right now all his glory was clouded in a haze and mist that drained him. My hand had a mind of its own when it picked a sunflower, keeping it above the paper; the splash of colors on the white was like Jeongguk in my life. The thought had me bloom from within as I left to take my bag and car keys.

As I was about to leave, my gaze fell on the mirror and I winced. This was the man Jeongguk had married; spectacled, geeky, who had no sense of carrying himself with the confidence that Jeongguk was so full of. I was dressed in a formal shirt with a round neck beige sweater and trousers. I had never had problems with how I was before but now, as I looked at reflection, I couldn’t help but feel empathetic for Jeongguk. How was I even supposed to make a place in his heart looking like this? I walked towards the kitchen, all my previous courage washing away as I picked the sunflower and kept it in the vase again. With a last look at the bedroom door, I left for work, hoping Jeongguk would at least come out to eat.

The whole way towards my office, the only thing I could think of was my husband. Just the thought of it had a smile come on my face yet again. It all felt as if I was living in a beautiful dream from which waking up seemed impossible. I knew Jeongguk was going through the worst kind of pain but what I was glad for was that it was me who was with him. I couldn’t have entrusted anyone else with him. Even if that seemed to be a preposterous thing to say at this point, I couldn’t feel guilty for thinking so.

Work was usual, the same old corporate mundanity; until it was not. It hadn’t even been an hour since I sat at my desk when three of my colleagues popped out of nowhere, startling me.

“Everything okay, pal?” Woobin, my project lead asked.

I raised a brow at that, only nodding.

“You sure? You weren’t here for more than a week.” Ronan, my colleague said.

I could sense what they wanted and I was not inclined towards caving, because it included Jeongguk too.

“I was out for a wedding.” I said, getting back to work, not wanting to entertain them.

“Whose wedding?” Woobin grinned, cheshire like and I suppressed the urge to roll my eyes. “Yours, perhaps?”

They began chuckling and I wished to just vanish into thin air. For the love of God, I couldn’t fathom just how were they so updated on everyone’s lives. These people had always liked prying and I acted oblivious until now, or did not simply care enough to dignify their nature because all this was limited to the office itself. I had never let them barge in on my personal life. It might have been tolerable when I was alone. But with Jeongguk in picture now, I couldn’t take the risk.

“Things were circumstantial, Woobin.” I tried.

Before I could say anything further, Woobin announced about the wedding to everyone, and withing minutes I had people coming in to congratulate me, give me their wishes.

“People, Taehyungie here is the happiest he has ever been. We are basking in his marital glow and to commemorate this, Taehyung is going to introduce his partner to us this evening. So after work, the team is heading to Tae’s house. See you then.” Ronan declared.

I sat with my jaw slackened, couldn’t believe they just did that. When it came to competency, these people were the last ones to be even considered. But now that they sensed an incoming celebration, they became the front-runners leading it. I pinched the bridge of my nose in frustration, wished I was strong-headed enough to confront them and show them their place. I was pissed beyond measure, but on Jeongguk’s behalf. The only concern I had was about him. He barely even knew me. I wasn’t in any position to make him meet my colleagues and throw obligations at him when he was not even in any state to talk.

They had self-invited themselves and I couldn’t help it now. Dread pooled in my gut at the thought of talking to Jeongguk about this. The day flew away too quickly and by the time I reached home, I felt my whole being tremble. There was no way to decipher just how would I even bring the topic up to Jeongguk. tangled in thoughts, when I entered, my feet froze as I looked around.

Jeongguk had not come out still. Jeongguk had not come out at all. I dragged myself towards the room, pushing it to find out it was locked. My heart sank with what I understood was fear. Jeongguk had to be alright.

Without thinking twice, I knocked on the door twice.

Silence.

I knocked again. Silence yet again. I felt my breaths turn faster in unbridled fear, eyes almost on the verge of tearing up.

“J-Jeongguk-ssi?” I called, keeping my voice from shaking somehow.

Silence was all I received this time as well. I understood he might have been trying to avoid me, but my mind took me to obnoxious places.

“Jeongguk-ssi? Are you alright?” I asked again, knocking once.

I did not get a response, but I could hear rustling of sheets; a very faint sound. I sagged against the door, immense relief washing over me that atleast he was not harmed in some way. Now that I finally discerned his safety, that ache throbbed in my heart again.

Jeongguk did not want to see me.

He didn’t want to have any interaction with me, not even to let me know if he was fine or not. That realization was like a boulder dropping on my being. I had never felt so lacking ever in my life. I couldn’t fathom just what kind of paradox Jeongguk was; making me feel like I was the King of the world just because he was with me but then at the very next moment, pushing me so far that it had me yearning in the worst ways possible. It had me want to disappear because if my presence irked Jeongguk, just what use was I anyway?

I steeled myself, taking a breath before looking at the door.

“Jeongguk-ssi, I am aware this is no time to ask you for any favor, and it makes me feel awful to even have to mention this infront of you. But, somehow my colleagues got to know about the wedding.” I said, eyes shutting close in the embarrassment and loathing I felt for everything that was happening. “Those people pretended to not read the room even if they clearly sensed I didn’t want to indulge them and self-invited themselves tonight.”

I felt like I was talking to the door itself because only my voice rang, silence was all I got.

“I j-just wanted to request you something. If you could come out and meet them for just a few minutes? I know I might seem insensitive, but I am really helpless and so I ask you to consider this one time. Please?”

More rustling on the bed, but otherwise silence. My gut clenched in disappointment and something akin to gloom so immense, I felt it consume me whole, char me to my very core and mock my pain.

“I-It’s alright, Jeongguk-ssi.” I said, my hand coming to rest on the door, just wanting to reach out to the boy. “Health issues are always the way to go. I will handle them. I am sorry to bother. I hope you feel better.”

I couldn’t stand there anymore. The moment I walked in the dining hall, I plopped on the chair, eyeing the vacuum. The whole journey ahead seemed bumpy to me from where I was standing. And the worst part was that I was standing all alone. My partner wasn’t even with me, and he might not ever be. This would be the first instance where the both of us were alone in the same path that we had embarked upon.

“KIM TAEHYUNG!”

I jolted, almost falling off the chair at the scream that rang outside the cottage, followed by banging on the main door.

“OPEN THE DOOR, YOU COWARD! I AM WELL AWARE YOU ARE HOME. IF YOU DARE FOOL ME AFTER WHAT YOU HAVE DONE, I SWEAR TO EVERY GOD I AM GOING TO GO BERSERK.”

My feet scrambled towards the door, heart thudding in my chest as I checked the door of Jeongguk’s room. He was still inside but I was certain he might be scared out of his mind at this suddenness.

“WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER SINCE WE WERE SHITTING IN OUR PANTS, AND THIS IS HOW I GET TO KNOW OF YOUR WEDDING? FROM A RANDOM COLLEAGUE? THIS IS HOW YOU TREAT ME NOW, YOU UNGRATEFUL HEATHEN! OPEN THE GODDAMN DOOR, TAEHYUNG OR I-”

“How can you swear to God and still talk about being a heathen, Jimin-ah?” I chuckled, opening the door to welcome my very enraged best friend.

“I called you a heathen, not myself. I love Gods, thank you very much.”

“You are not even religious, what even-” I couldn’t help but laugh, feeling infinitely better just by his presence. “Why were you screaming like a banshee? There’s a thing called neighbours, who tend to get mad at the drop of a hat you know.”

“That’s enough cheekiness out of you.” Jimin’s glare was no joke.

“Jimin-ah..”

Jimin just looked away, the pout on his lips was so huge, it had me snicker. It only earned me a smack right on my head though.

“Ow! Way to be mean.” I rubbed my head.

“That was mean? And what about what you did? Do you have any idea how I felt?”

“Jimin, I’ll tell you everything. But please don’t scream.” I hushed, pointing behind me towards my room. Well, Jeongguk’s room now.

But it had Jimin even more confused, so I grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the terrace. It took a good while to explain everything to him, but when I did, it had gotten uncharacteristically quiet.

I was not used to this quietude between Jimin and I. To be honest, we had always been a chaotic duo. Between us, Jimin was more outgoing, more good-looking, more social, more.. everything. Jimin was a whole package and I was extremely grateful for his presence in my life. His friendship was a salve to the wounds I kept giving myself. The way he knew me, no one did. And that was rare; to have friendships which nurtured you, which were like the sacred thread of safety around your whole being. Jimin had been my safe place and I had been his.

“Tae..” Jimin whispered, taking my hand in his. “Oh god, I am so sorry.”

I could only nod. There was nothing either of us could do about this now anyway.

“He is still in there? In your room?” Jimin asked.

“Yeah. I don’t think he has come out even for a minute.”

“Where do you sleep then?”

“In the guest bedroom. Obviously.”

Jimin’s expression was deadpan and unamused and I knew why. I could only sigh, looking away.

“The last time I was here, I literally used that room to throw away the things I don’t use anymore. It’s our personal dump yard, that room.”

“There is a bed there, though. It’s enough for me. Right now, the only priority is to make Jeongguk feel okay.”

I could see Jimin’s expression thawing the way his watery eyes looked at me.

“What’s going to happen now? Have you thought of it?”

“It’s not in my hands. It was the universe who brought us together. So I should leave everything on it. That’s only fair.”

“The universe only does so much, Tae.” Jimin’s voice was soft, his hand squeezing mine. “It did bring you two together, but what happens from here would depend on how you steer your relationship too.”

“I cannot be the only one to control the progression of this relationship, Jimin-ah. You, out of all people, know marriage was not something I had envisioned for myself. Yes, I did want a marriage but I never actively sought it out. Even so, the only thing I was certain of was that my partner would mean the most to me, if I ever got married. Now.. I have Jeongguk-ssi, and I don’t even know when it happened but he has come to mean a lot to me already. The things he had to go through were horrible, Jimin. So I, too, cannot be overbearing for him.”

Jimin hugged me so tight, my breaths knocked out. It had me fond so I reciprocated the hug with equal intensity. If I was being honest, I needed that hug. I had to be strong all this while and even if I was not complaining, Jimin gave me the comfort I didn’t know I had sought out. I felt his sniffles and I rubbed his back in reassurance; quite ironic given I was the one who needed it the most.

“It’s fine, Jimin-ah. We’ll figure something out. But right now, my only concern is this impending party.”

And right then, with the perfect timing that they have whenever it came to free food, I heard the doorbell ring indicating my colleagues had arrived.

“I’ll arrange the food. Will you please go receive them? And bring them to the terrace itself. I don’t want them to barge into Jeongguk’s space.”

Jimin grumbled loudly when the doorbell rang again.

“Oh for the love of God, wait for a goddamn minute or I’ll show you what a good time looks like, you fuckers!” He yelled as he walked towards the entrance.

I couldn’t help but laugh at the antics. Jimin was a saviour, really. It didn’t take much time for the party to get going, although, it was more of a gathering. My team members, as expected, were more interested in the food and drinks, the actual reason for coming here long forgotten. I was glad for that, actually. It was better.

“Taehyung, man, it’s been an hour we are here. Where have you hidden your partner?” Woobin said, chugging his bear.

Like hell I would go ask Jeongguk to meet these drunk, ill-mannered buffoons. I was thanking every force of nature Jeongguk hadn’t agreed to my request.

“The thing is Woobin-ssi, that’s the downside of self-inviting yourselves. Not everyone can entertain you whenever you wish to.” Jimin piped in, his voice menacing but coated in sugar.

I bit my lip to suppress the laughter that bubbled within me at Woobin’s face. I didn’t want to dignify their curiosity by answering so I left it at that, moving on to attend other guests. There were some people I hadn’t even had a proper conversation with till date. To see them in my home didn’t quite sit well with me, but I stood helpless.

I was about to go serve the food I had bought from one of the food joints that I used to frequent when Jimin nudged me. When I looked at him, he seemed to be frozen in his spot, his eyes wide as he looked somewhere.

“Jimin-ah, I need to open up the food containers. Help me, will you?” I shook him by his forearm, but his jaw slackened and I was frowning in confusion.

I noticed everything had quietened down around me. Looking around, I found almost everyone focussed in the direction where Jimin was looking. I stood utterly confused until I was not. The moment my gaze moved towards what had them in daze, I, honest to all heaven and hell, stopped breathing. I felt my heart stop and race at the same time; as if someone had punched me in the gut but instead of pain, all I felt was euphoria.

Jeongguk stood there.

Dressed in an all-denim outfit, soft blue denim jacket over a white t-shirt probably, paired with blue loose fit jeans. His hair was tucked in a loose pony, strands of hair falling over his forehead, big eyes watching everyone. I could sense his anxiety, could feel he was intimidated by the sudden attention on him. But I could just not make myself move. Jeongguk’s beauty was indescribable. So simple and yet, all I could focus on was him. He stood apart. My heart couldn’t calm down.

He was holding a tray in his hands and I could see fried chicken in one of the bowls. My breath caught in my throat the moment he looked in my direction and his lips stretched in a small smile. It didn’t reach his eyes but he was smiling nonetheless and that itself had me want to sag in relief.

“Go to him, idiot.” Jimin hissed in my ear, pushing me forward.

Stumbling ahead, I managed to drag my feet towards the boy whose attention was on me. Suddenly I felt as if I was put on a spot. Even though I wished for Jeongguk to see me like I saw him, whenever he actually looked at me, my heart and body threatened to combust. The moment I stood infront of him, I had to garner all my strength to actually speak.

“Uhm.. I hope I am not too late.” Jeongguk ended up saying.

“N-No. You are time on perfectly well.. I.. I mean you are perfectly on time.”

I should have thrown myself under a train at this point. Heavens, to embarrass myself in front of the person I was secretly trying to impress; infront of all my colleagues. Ah, cherry on the cake.

Jeongguk only blinked at me before nodding and looking behind me, towards everyone. I shook myself out of the stupor, sharing a gaze with Jimin who understood I was on the verge of panicking. So like the saviour that he was, he came to us.

“Hello, Jeongguk-ssi. I am Park Jimin, Taehyung’s childhood friend. I am sorry for all the yelling earlier. Quite dramatic, wasn’t it?”

“Hi.” Jeongguk mumbled, a polite smile on his face.

Oh dear lord, his voice. As if honey had melted right in my ears. As if all the melodies of the world had become conjoined and graced me. As if a song of an angel.

“Give that to me, please. Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone.” Jimin said, taking the tray from him and keeping it on the table.

For reasons unknown, I stayed at the sidelines the whole time. I wasn’t sure as to why had Jeongguk finally come out and honoured my request, but atleast that way, I was able to look at him again. From afar, I watched him to my heart’s content; watched him smile and laugh at Jimin’s jokes, watched him greet my colleagues and chat with them, watched him be the perfect host. All I felt was that subdued yet the sweetest pain I had never felt before. The pain of the paradoxes Jeongguk was, the pain of the feelings that he made me experience, the pain of not being able to accept what I wanted to finally accept.

“Man, aren’t you one lucky guy! Your husband is gorgeous and so amiable.”

I blinked back from my reverie by Ronan’s voice.

“True. The whole place lightened up when he came.” Woobin complimented. “Taehyung, we are glad we got to meet him. You two look good together.”

That was an outright lie and I knew that. Because one look at Jeongguk and then at me, anyone could infer that Jeongguk could have done a lot better. I was no match for him. Circumstantial coupling meant nothing and I knew better than to expect anything out of this marriage except for peaceful cohabitation.

The same party which felt torturous somehow ended way too soon. The only thing I wished for was to see more of my husband now that I had the fortune of seeing him like this. Sitting in my room, I couldn’t push Jeongguk’s face off my mind. He wasn’t exactly joyous, but he was able to hide the utter gloom he was engulfed in. Even though it didn’t sit well with me, I couldn’t do much until Jeongguk asked me for anything.

“Taehyung-ssi?”

An embarrassing squeak came out of my throat as I was pulled back from my thoughts by the voice I wished to drown into for the rest of my life. It felt like I had suddenly seen light from the abyss I was caught in. Jeongguk stood at the door of my room, his gaze roaming around the mess all around and I almost winced at my own carelessness to make this room atleast liveable.

I jolted to stand up, not realizing that the USB flash drive which hung around my neck was attached to the laptop. My laptop almost fell but I somehow managed to get a semblance and at that moment I wished for the earth to swallow me whole. All I had done today was embarrass myself infront of the only person I desperately wished to win over. But who was I kidding, really? I matched Jeongguk’s eyes and I saw only a void in them. He was looking at me with an impassive face, and I felt invisible yet again. A sharp sting rose in the depth of my heart and I was slowly getting to understand just why it was.

“Jeongguk-ssi. Hello. I am sorry for the mess. Can-Can I help you with something?”

I was barely holding on to my sanity at this point.

“If you aren’t busy, can we talk for a bit?”

“Ofcourse. Just give me a minute.”

“I’ll wait in the lawn then.” Jeongguk said before leaving.

I had to sit down for a moment and focus on my breathing to calm myself down. Dear lord, Jeongguk affected me like storms rattling the nature from the core and it took everything in me to not burst in embarrassment and bashfulness at the same time.

The moment I reached outside, I saw Jeongguk in the middle of the lawn, sitting in one of the garden chairs. Moonlight washed over him, bathing him in soft white, making him look like the son of melancholy with the gloom surrounding his aura. It broke my heart everytime to see Jeongguk like that. I just couldn’t look away though. It was as if I was looking at someone so ethereal for the first time in my life. And how true it was, really.

“Jeongguk-ssi?” I called out softly, not to startle him.

The boy looked at me then, and I could feel his gaze all over me, as if rethinking his life choices. I wanted to curl myself in the corner somewhere, because I was aware of how hugely lacking I was in every respect. Jeongguk was the moon. And I was just the wildling basking in his light; the light which had dimmed.

“I wanted to apologise.. for how I behaved since the moment we have arrived here.” Jeongguk said after a while.

It took me completely by surprise.

“You have been nothing but considerate towards me. I shouldn’t have made you feel as if this is all your fault when it’s not. I was just..” Jeongguk shrugged, his gaze lost in vacuum.

“I understand you need time.” I said before I could hold myself back.

Jeongguk’s smile was rueful, only nodding at the words.

“I married you knowing what this will entail, so I had no right to behave so entitled with you. I am sorry.”

I had never felt the urge to hold someone close and assure them more than I did now. Jeongguk looked so downtrodden, so hopeless, it had every inch of me ache; it had me burn in agony.

“I know that the circumstances of our relationship are unfortunate, and I am fairly aware that you are going through the worst kind of pain, Jeongguk-ssi. So, you don’t need to apologise for the hurt you are feeling.” I tried to reassure in whatever way I could.

Jeongguk ended up chuckling but there was no amusement in it. It seemed pained, it seemed so downright sad that my arms almost extended to wrap him in a comforting embrace. But I stopped when he looked right in my eyes. My breaths seemed to hitch at the eye-contact as I waited for him to continue.

“The worst kind of pain?” Jeongguk hushed. “Do you know what that is?”

I could only blink at him.

“Love. That’s it.” Jeongguk mumbled. “I loved with everything in me, with every ounce of my heart; so much that I don’t think there is anything remaining in me which I can call love.”

Something inside me shattered at the implication.

“I am sorry, Taehyung-ssi, but love isn’t something I am capable of anymore. I won’t be able to give you a marriage like that. And if, it’s a deal breaker for you, I wouldn’t want to be in your way.”

It got silent for a moment, uncomfortably so. I couldn’t make myself say anything to that because deep down, everything in me had shut down. I had never felt so heartbroken in my life. And to think of it, this was the first instance where I realised this was what a heartbreak felt like. But whatever it was, it was my concern. I couldn’t even think of making Jeongguk feel obligated over my feelings. Not when I saw what he had gone through.

“Whatever you did for me in front of my colleagues and my best friend today, for me, that’s enough a definition of love, Jeongguk-ssi.” I managed after a moment of consideration. “Until now, the thought of marriage itself was evasive for me. So when it comes to expectations, I don’t have any. I am content with what I have and I don’t think that’s going to change.”

The smile on Jeongguk’s face widened at that even if it was still sad.

“That’s nice to hear. I just wanted to say that from now on, you’d see a changed me. I realise my responsibilities and I won’t give you a reason to rethink your decision.” Jeongguk said.

It wasn’t in me to doubt anything when it came to him. But I could never tell him the same.

“Good night, then.” Jeongguk hushed, his gaze lingering on me for a bit before he began to leave.

I didn’t want him to. I wanted to hold his hand and ask him to stay. I wanted to talk to him about anything and everything that I had never been able to with anyone before. I wanted to listen him talk and hear his laughter, look at his smile and bask in his light. But all I could do was stand there and watch him leave.

“Taehyung-ssi?”

I blinked, my attention on Jeongguk as he turned to face me.

“Love is like boarding a sinking ship. It shatters you in ways that leave you in no position to piece yourself back together. There is no coming back from the ruins of love. I am glad you never experienced that side of it.”

With that, Jeongguk left.

I stood there threadbared by my own emotions that seemed to curl around my throat and heart alike. Jeongguk was right indeed. There was no coming back from the ruins of love. No wonder all I felt was ruined to my very core. I had fallen in love with Jeongguk the moment I had seen him after all.

Chapter Text

Mornings had been just that up until now. Routine. Work schedules. Organizing thoughts.                                                                                                           

But the morning today wasn’t close to how it had been all along.

The morning today was a dream.

Because there was no way someone as gorgeous as Jeongguk was in my kitchen. The tie in my hand fell down, so did my jaws apparently. Jeongguk was busy humming some song I had no idea about, his body softly swaying to the tune as he flipped the pancake with practiced hands. I looked at the counter and there was a cup of hot coffee placed over there alongside what seemed like toasted bread. I had to pinch myself, wincing over an embarrassing squeak that came out of me.

Jeongguk turned at the voice then, a bit startled as he stared at me. His eyes were so bambi-like, I had to hold myself to not coo out loud.

“Taehyung-ssi.. Good morning.” Jeongguk greeted, coming towards me.

But all I could focus on was the way his hair looked so fluffy, the strands still a bit wet from the shower. His face glowed, every inch of him was pink. I just knew it. The boy was just.. otherworldly. He made me question my own existence because how did it happen that I was breathing the same air as this ethereal being? God, I was down bad for him.

“Good Morning.” I managed, my voice croaked and heavy with desires I didn’t know of.

I saw Jeongguk’s eyes widen slightly, and I could tell it was because of my voice. Jimin had told me multiple times it became all deep in the mornings especially, even more than it already was. I couldn’t help but feel my cheeks get hot. Probably Jeongguk found it weird. Probably Jeongguk found me weird, just like a lot of people did.

“The breakfast is ready. Sit, please.” Jeongguk said after a moment, going back to his pancakes.

Something in me broke again.

Here I was, wondering if Jeongguk thought I was weird. But looking at his nonchalance, his indifference, I got the idea that he didn’t think anything about me at all. Suddenly, the thought of him finding me weird didn’t seem so wrong. Atleast, that way, I would occupy his mind, even if for a few moments. I would trade anything for that ephemeral occupancy. Anything.   

A quiet sigh left me as I sat down, taking a toasted bread and the cup of coffee. In a couple of minutes, a plate with two pancakes was infront of me. I looked up to find Jeongguk standing in front.

“Thanks for the breakfast. You didn’t have to, though.” I mumbled, managing a small smile even if my heart ached so bad, I felt I might pass out.

“It’s okay. I have to give myself a chance again, don’t I?”

I wanted to ask if he could give me a chance too. Just once. A chance to show him that he deserved love again. A chance to show him how happy he could be if he just sought it out. I was aware that Jeongguk was only fulfilling his duties, his obligations as a husband. There was nothing more to it. And somewhere in my heart, it made me feel worse about this whole thing.

“Oh, you dropped your tie.” Jeongguk pointed out, going to pick it up before I could.

He kept it on the counter before going to sit at the other side with his plate.

“I.. I wrote my number and other details on a paper yesterday.”

“I found that. Thank you.” Jeongguk smiled, a polite tilt of lips.

“If you need anything, just give me a call. My office isn’t far away.”

Jeongguk only nodded before getting busy with his breakfast. I couldn’t help but stare. How I wished Jeongguk would sit closer to me, so I could feel his proximity, the warmth that radiated from him, the fragrance of him. This boy was mine, my husband but it didn’t feel that way to me. I had no right over him because there was no place for me in his heart. My heart, though?

It was painted only in the hues of Jeongguk.

The breakfast was over too soon for my liking. For the first time in my life, work felt like a burden. I didn’t want to go, didn’t want to leave Jeongguk here, didn’t want to be without him. But whom was I trying to fool? Jeongguk was still uncomfortable with my presence probably. Me staying here would turn out to be a torture for him, would make him feel obligated to his duties. Because that’s what I was anyway. His duty.

So, I dragged my feet out of the kitchen only to be called by that angelic voice of my husband.

“Taehyung-ssi.. you forgot your tie.”

I turned to find Jeongguk standing close to me and I almost stumbled back, my heart racing inside.

“O-Oh.. Thank you.” I smiled, but it might have been more of a grimace.

I felt so embarrassed and awkward, no wonder Jeongguk didn’t approve of me. How could he? How could anyone?

I adjusted my glasses before taking the tie and putting it around my neck.

“Do you.. uhm.. I can tie it for you if you want?” Jeongguk offered out of nowhere.  

The shock of it had me feel heady. I slowly glanced up at him, and his cheeks had turned pink. My hand had a mind of its own because I just extended it towards him.

I acted selfish for the first time in my life.

There was nothing more that I wanted than this. This simple domesticity was worth more to me than any riches the world could offer. I watched Jeongguk come close to me, closer than we had been till now; so close it had my mind go completely blank. My heart threatened to burst the moment I felt Jeongguk’s touch over my shirt, gentle fingers trailing along the tie’s length. My hands itched to find a home on Jeongguk’s waist, and I had to restrain myself with every ounce of self-control I could garner. This close, I could smell the fragrance of his shampoo; the way he smelled like a meadow, fresh after the rain.  

All I wanted to do was lean into him and get engulfed in his being, everything that was Jeongguk, every bit of him. I wanted him more than what any dictionary could define want as. I watched him quietly while he tied the tie. Every feature on his face, his button-like nose, petal soft lips that rivalled the flowers, the mole under his lip. I was feeling things I shouldn’t, not in the circumstances we were caught in. But Jeongguk came as an enlightening. An enlightening of my needs and desires, an enlightening of the emotions I had never dared to feel, an enlightening of my heart.

Jeongguk moved away when he was done and even if we hadn’t really touched, I missed the warmth of his proximity. I wished nothing more than to hold him close in the circle of my arms, to make sure he feels safe, to be someone whom he trusted.

“Thank you.” I hushed, not wanting to break the bubble we were in. “I’ll leave now. Feel free to do what you wish. This is your home too.”

The expression on Jeongguk’s face was still neutral, but I am not certain if I was imagining the softness in his eyes. I didn’t dare to believe that. Before my strength waned, I walked towards my room and took my necessities. I didn’t look at Jeongguk again, because if I did, I knew I wouldn’t be able to go. His presence was unmissed and a small smile came over me when I noticed his big eyes trained on me as I wore my shoes.

“Taehyung-ssi?”

I turned only to be handed over what seemed like a lunch box. I looked at it and then at Jeongguk, confused.

“You don’t have to eat outside from now on.” The boy said.

Dear lord.                                                                                                                        Just why was the universe so cruel to me? The raw want in me to kiss Jeongguk overpowered everything at the moment. The boy was just so compassionate and caring; I felt a sudden fury over how unfair life had been for him.

“I didn’t know your preferences so I made kimchi fried rice, just to be safe. You can let me know what you like and what you don’t later.”  

“Will you do the same? Tell me about your likes and dislikes?” I couldn’t help but ask.

The surprise in those doe-eyes was evident. I didn’t know what impression Jeongguk had of me, if he thought of me as some entitled alpha male which I was clearly not. Just a glance in my direction would be enough to refute that thought. But whatever it was, I wanted Jeongguk to know that I cared for him, that he was my priority now.

“I would like to know what makes you you, Jeongguk-ssi. I want to take care of you too.”

I could have held back, could have embraced silence until Jeongguk felt comfortable enough. But then I realised that it won’t happen on its own. I would have to put efforts into making him comfortable with me. And I wanted to do it both with my words and actions. It might have been my imagination again but I felt Jeongguk’s eyes glisten up. I was probably making him overwhelmed, but I just wanted him to know.

“Thanks for the lunch. I’ll eat it well and please eat your lunch too. I’ll see you in the evening.”

With a last glance at him, I left the cottage straight to take my car out. My heart stuttered when I saw Jeongguk standing at the door as I left. What was the boy doing to me? It was as if up until now, I was only a body, existing. Jeongguk made me feel alive, he was like my soul, he made me believe that life was supposed to be beautiful; that it was supposed to be lived, not spent.

The whole way to my office, I couldn’t help but gaze fondly at the lunchbox Jeongguk had packed for me. Yes, I was aware about him feeling obligated to do all this, but nonetheless, my heart fluttered. There might not be any care behind his actions but atleast this was a beginning. Hope bloomed in my chest. Maybe, just maybe, if I put efforts from my side, Jeongguk might end up noticing what he means to me. The thought had a small smile come on my face.

The day passed in a blur almost. I couldn’t focus because all I wanted to do was go home and spend time with Jeongguk, make him feel welcomed and warm, try to make him smile. My colleagues, like high schoolers, tried to tease me over my husband, indirectly implying he was too good for me. I knew that. I knew Jeongguk was no short of a blessing for someone like me. But it stung nonetheless. I tried to not pay attention to them or the self-deprecating thoughts I was having, only focussing on Jeongguk and how his presence made me feel.

By the time I was on my way back, it was as if I had regressed back to a teenager who had a new crush. The excitement in me had no bounds, all I wished to do was to see Jeongguk. I had a fair idea that he might not even talk to me, but the fact that he was there with me was enough for me to feel a happiness I had not felt until now. the moment I entered my apartment, I stood at the main door, composing myself, taking a few deep breaths. That’s when something hit me.

The fragrance.

I walked inside, my nose scrunching to take in more of the mouth-watering smell of food. Jeongguk was nowhere in sight but my apartment, for the very first time, smelled like.. home. Never in my life had I experienced coming back home to someone. The realization had my eyes burn, my heart sing in so much glee, I had to garner all my strength to not cry like a baby. I moved to the kitchen quietly, not sure if Jeongguk was there but the moment I saw the scene in there, it had my heart almost stop.

Jeongguk.

In an apron I did not know existed before here.

In my kitchen.

He was wearing simple black t-shirt and sweatpants, nothing exquisite, but I felt difficult to breathe nonetheless. It didn’t matter what the boy wore, really. Jeongguk stood out even in mundanity, in routine, in boredom, in excitement. For me, Jeongguk was the only one who existed it seemed. I had never imagined I would feel so strongly for someone but here stood Jeongguk. Breaking all my notions just by existing. All my notions and.. my heart as well. But it wasn’t his fault, it would never be his fault.

I watched him for God knows how long, watched how concentrated he was while he cooked, watched him taste the curry that he had made only to hum in content, watched a small smile come on his face and I felt inexplicably envious of that food. I wanted nothing more than to be the reason behind every smile that graced Jeongguk’s face. I wanted the reason why his days brightened but unfortunately, all I was to him was an abyss.

“-yung-ssi?”

I blinked back from my thoughts at the voice, my gaze focussing on Jeongguk who was staring at me in confusion. I saw him come closer to me and I would never forgive myself for taking a step back because the boy intimidated me that much.

“When did you come? I am sorry I was too engrossed.” Jeongguk said, wiping his hands with a hand towel.

I looked around, taking in the kitchen. The fruit basket was full with different fruits, a lacey table mat under it that I knew I didn’t have before. There were a couple of cute magnets on the refrigerator door which had never been there before, a vase sat at the side on the counter with white and yellow daisies. My kitchen didn’t seem like mine and I had never been happier. Jeongguk had made it his own space in just a day and something settled in me at the thought that he felt comfortable enough to do this.

“Just now. Uhm.. the kitchen looks nice.”

I saw Jeongguk smile but it was just a polite upturn of his lips at the compliment. I wished it was a genuine smile, one which reached his eyes, one which made him bloom like the prettiest flower he was. God, was I getting obsessed with the thought of making him smile?

“The dinner is ready.” Jeongguk said, extending his hands towards me.

I froze, staring at his hands and then at him.

“The lunchbox?”

Oh.

Ofourse. The lunchbox.

Not like I was expecting to hold his hands. No. 

“It was delicious. I.. I have never taken lunch with me before. It was a nice change.”

“Thanks.”

Dear lord. Why were we so awkward? I wanted to sit close to him, hold his hand, and talk to him to my heart’s content. I wanted him to talk my ears off because I had seen how he loved to talk. He was the only one who made me want to talk, who made me want to express myself, who made me want to be better. Only for him.

“I will go get changed and then we can have dinner.” I said before walking to my room.

I couldn’t stand there a second more with the awkwardness between us high like walls. I was aware that the boy had not mentioned of discomfort of any sort but I also knew he would not share himself or his feelings with me openly. When I entered my room though, my feet froze. I knew I was frowning hard because just what had happened behind me.

The room was squeaky clean, not the dumpster that it was. The bed had new sheets, crisp pastel green sheets with checkered pattern, white pillow cover. The unnecessary stuff that was ubiquitous in the room was nowhere to be seen, and I didn’t realise just how big the room was. There was a vase of white yellow flowers on the nightstand, the furniture all dusted. Boho patterned white curtains replaced the old green ones and the room looked so airy and spacious, I couldn’t believe this was the same room that Jimin and I had turned into a storage room.

When I went to the washroom, I found a bathrobe hanging there. Brand new. There were separate hand and face towels and new toiletries on the counter. Oh, heavens.

There was a surge of emotions so deep in my heart, I wanted to embrace Jeongguk tight. There was no need for him to do all this. I would have hired help for this. It was unimaginable for me to do all the cleaning manually on my own. I had no idea how Jeongguk might have done all of this. Whatever he had said about his duties, he was taking it way too seriously.  I freshened up quickly because I wished to be near Jeongguk as soon as I could.  

I entered the dining area, noticing my plate already served. Jeongguk sat just opposite to me at the farther side. I wanted to tell him to come sit beside me but there was no way I would do that. Not yet atleast. I abhorred the thought of forcing him into anything that he did not wish to do. So, I sat at my chair. The whole day, all I had wanted was to talk to Jeongguk but now that we sat in the same room, I couldn’t gather enough courage. I didn’t realise I was playing around with the food, lost in my thoughts, but then-

“Taehyung-ssi?”

I almost jolted at his call, our eyes meeting. I hummed in question, wondering what he had to say to me.

“Do you not like Thai curry?” Jeongguk asked softly, his doe-eyes trying to gauge my reaction.

“I-I do! It’s one of my favourites.”   

“Oh. It’s just that you weren’t eating. So I thought..”

Jeongguk’s attention was on me. It meant he was focussed on whether I liked his food or not. He wished for validation. The thought had a small smile come on my face. I looked at him and saw anticipation in his eyes. Jeongguk was extremely adorable, it was doing things to my heart.

“I zoned out, I am sorry. I am famished, though. So I’ll eat well, don’t worry.”

Jeongguk didn’t start eating. I could feel his gaze on me and I bit back a smile at that.

“It’s delicious, Jeongguk-ssi. Such a simple dish but I don’t think I have had this good a Thai curry in a long while.”

This time, the smile on Jeongguk’s face seemed genuine, his eyes sparkling just a bit. Oh. So he liked compliments. Liked praise. Could this boy get any more endearing?

The dinner was a quiet affair, slightly awkward. The both of us didn’t know what to talk about, how to approach a topic. I knew I was walking over eggshells around him but right now, Jeongguk was in a vulnerable state of mind. I didn’t want to upset him even more than he already was. I helped Jeongguk in cleaning up the kitchen even if he insisted on doing everything alone. I couldn’t just let him do that. I would never.

“Jeongguk-ssi?”

He turned towards me, humming in response.

“Thank You. For, uhm.. the room.” I said, sheepish. “You didn’t have to, really. I was going to hire a cleaning service.”

“I had nothing to do anyway. It’s okay. I hope you didn’t mind the addition of new things though.”

“I didn’t know that room had it in it to look like that, if I am being honest. I had made it into a dumpster. Thanks to you, it is seeing light.”

Jeongguk chuckled, a soft sound but oh dear lord will I do anything to hear it all over again and then again and then again some more.

“It’s no problem. There is a water bottle on the night stand. I noticed you had a glass, but you should always have a bottle next to you. Is it okay?”

I had to garner all of my strength to not keep staring at him like a creep.

“You can do as many changes to this place as you want, Jeongguk-ssi. I have no issues. Whatever helps you feel comfortable.”

It was Jeongguk who stared now, as if searching my expression, my face, my sincerity. I held his gaze, let him judge for himself because everything will be only in his favor anyway. Jeongguk nodded after a while, his smile still polite but slightly warmer than before.

Lying on the bed in the room that felt like a heaven to me, I revelled in the interactions we had. It was nothing much, but at the same time it was. the thought that Jeongguk was doing it all just as his duty was like a persistent ache in my chest but I was in no position to complain. The boy was trying like no other. Even if I could not say it to him, I was proud of Jeongguk and the way he was dealing with his circumstances. He was mature for his age but it was not his choice and that is what bothered me the most. The loss he had experienced pushed him to suppress his real self and become someone else. All I wished was for him to be his own self, to laugh and shine with his whole heart. Maybe, I was the eclipse on his light, maybe I was the abyss that pulled him down. But for the first time, I felt I could be more. yes, the way Jeongguk came in my life was because of the universe and its tricks but how our relationship would progress from hereon was on me. On us.

Jeongguk might never consider the ‘us’ I was imagining but I felt at peace nonetheless. It was going to be fine. If Jeongguk says he doesn’t have a heart big enough for love anymore, I would be the heart for the both of us.

†

Time went by in its own pace.

My mornings began with domesticity, with Jeongguk’s proximity even if our relationship felt more like roommates sharing a space together. I came back to a cottage that seemed to breathe now, thanks to Jeongguk and the subtle changes he was making around. Everyday that I came back, there would be something different, something beautiful. Someday it would be new bright curtains, someday it would be a new home accessory, someday it would be flowers. The lunchbox became a constant after the first time and everytime I opened it in the office, the fragrance of food was nothing compared to the warmth of care I felt.

I did not even realize how two months passed. I won’t say it was a breeze, but I could see Jeongguk getting comfortable in the routine he had set for himself. He was a perfect husband, unreally perfect. There had not been a single time he had strayed from what he was supposed to do. But that was what bothered me. He was doing everything that he was supposed to do. He was fulfilling his duties to the T, but I had no idea what was going on in his head. I did not know what he wished for, or what he wanted from me. He never said anything, never asked for anything. He was content in whatever he had.

Jeongguk was not like that. I knew he wasn’t.

Just from how I had seen him previously, I had a fair idea Jeongguk was aspirational, he was someone who wanted a lot from life. To look at him like this had my heart ache in agony. In the past couple of months, I had tried to fulfil his unsaid wishes by paying close attention towards him. In between conversations, I had sensed him perking up at the mention of movies, so I initiated going out on weekends to cineplexes. Those moments rank amongst the few of my favorites. Because that was when I had heard Jeongguk laugh. I had seen a hint of his previous self, his real self then. It was as if surrounded by darkness, Jeongguk felt no need to hide. With loud music deafening the voices in his head, Jeongguk bloomed even if ephemerally. It had a sharp pang of hurt crawl inside me, realising Jeongguk didn’t trust me enough yet to embrace his real self with me.

I pushed those thoughts at the back. It was enough for me that atleast Jeongguk was finding things that gave him happiness. My hurt could wait. It was Jeongguk whose healing mattered right now.

I blinked back from my thoughts, sneaking gazes at Jeongguk who seemed busy in his food. I had noticed bits and pieces about him, like the way his expressions scrunched up in vexation while he ate sometimes. The moment I thought of asking if he didn’t like the food, he would hum and nod appreciatingly, seemingly liking the food. He unconsciously made little sounds when he was either confused or nervous and it was so unimaginably endearing, I couldn’t help but smile at his antics. He didn’t even have a clue how adorable he really was.

When we were done, I was undeniably gloomy because that would mean he would retire to his room. How I wished to just sit with him and talk, to just bask in his proximity, to look at him to my heart’s content. I wanted to get to know him better, to understand his nuances.

“Jeongguk-ssi?” I blurted out without thinking.

The boy stopped in his tracks, his attention on me, face curious.

“I.. uh, I got ice-creams on my way back today. The night is pleasant. Would you like to sit in the garden for a while?”

Jeongguk blinked, clearly surprised at the proposition. Before I could backtrack, he nodded with a polite smile. God, how I hated that word. Polite. I wished for it to be replaced by warm, glowing, loving, happy.. anything but polite.

“That’s.. Thanks for agreeing.” I hushed, surprised myself. “You can go wait outside. I’ll get the ice-creams.”

I felt a little bounce in my steps as I prepared two bowls, smiling at the slight progress. If I was being honest, Jeongguk agreeing to this had given me the happiness I had not felt in a long time. I was aware he might only have wished to honor my request. But I was content nonetheless. I was ecstatic to spend even two minutes with him, if that was what he would give me.

When I came out, I saw Jeongguk perched on one of the garden chairs, leaning back on it. His gaze was set on the bright moon surrounded by the canopy of stars. He looked a picture of melancholy, that deep kind that just settles down in your heart like abyss. I wished to know his thoughts. Was he complaining to the moon, was he cursing the universe for sending him in a path that he had not wanted?

But I just pushed those thoughts back and went to sit beside him, offering him his bowl.

“Thanks.” Jeongguk muttered, that same polite smile on his smile. “How was your day?”

“The usual. Nothing interesting happens in the life a corporate slave.”

“You like your job?”

“I am good at it.”

“That was not my question, Taehyung-ssi.” Jeongguk’s smile was comforting.

It took me a few seconds to process that the boy was actually having a conversation with me. Willingly.

“I suppose so. I never thought about anything else that I wanted to do.”

“This was your dream? To work in the corporate? Is that what you are saying?” Jeongguk pressed.

I genuinely didn’t know what to say. I felt cornered suddenly. Jeongguk was asking me questions I had not asked myself. All my life, I had progressed robotically, just accepting things coming my way. I had never run after something, never passionately craved anything. Or anyone for that matter.

Not until Jeongguk, that is.

“My life has always been very unidirectional, I feel.” I said quietly. “I was content with whatever I got. It might seem non-aspirational but..”

I could only shrug, gaze shifting towards the moon.

“Atleast you have the peace of mind, then.” Jeongguk hushed. “I have come to realise that matters the most in the end.”

“What is your dream, if I may ask?” I could not help but ask.

The smile that came on his lips was so sad, so clearly hopeless, every inch of me itched to hold him close and comfort him. Dear god, why was the universe testing me like this?

“It doesn’t matter anymore.” Jeongguk mumbled. “The ice-cream is good. I have never tried this flavor.”

I felt my heart sting, my whole being shatter with that denial. Jeongguk didn’t trust me, I knew. But it hurt so much everytime. It was not his fault, he didn’t even know how I have come to feel for him. But my own expectations, my hopes of getting closer to him led me only to disappointments. I wanted to scream, ask everyone just what I could do to gain this boy’s trust, for him to open his heart to me. But I sat there, holding the pieces of myself somehow.

“Taehyung-ssi.”

I hummed, still lost in my thoughts. I pathetically jerked when I felt a warm touch on my hand. My head snapped towards the contact, eyes widening the moment I realised Jeongguk was patting the back of my hand, to gain my attention ofcourse. But it was as if electricity coursed through every inch of my body; as if just that one soft touch had me alive after almost all my life.

“Y-Yeah?”

“I wanted to ask you something.”

I nodded at him in encouragement.

“I was out for taking some groceries and on my way back, I came across an advertisement that was posted outside the auditorium near that.” Jeongguk began. “It was.. they are organizing a city-level painting competition from the next week.”

“Okay..?”

I sat slightly confused.

“Painting has always been a get-away for me, it has been like a silent companion, helping me cope. I wish to participate in it.”

Flabbergasted.

That’s how I felt.

Jeongguk had openly expressed his wish to me for the very first time in these two months. Not only that, but I got to know what he loved to do as well. I could tell that just by the slight glint in his eyes when he spoke about painting.

Jeongguk took his phone out and showed me the picture he had clicked of the advertisement. ‘A Frescoed Life’ it said. It had the details of the competition along with the necessary information. It wasn’t something I would have understood anyway, so I just hummed, nodding to myself.

“If you feel I shouldn’t, you can tell me. I wouldn’t want to be an inconvenience, Taehyung-ssi.”

Inconvenience.

Jeongguk really didn’t have a clue about his importance in my life, did he?

I got up, nodding at him once before leaving for my room. I probably should have said something but right now, I just wanted for the boy to know how I felt about all this. When I got back, Jeongguk was coming inside, stopping when he saw me. His beautiful big eyes were on me, surprised by my sudden reappearance.

I wanted to say so much, I was planning to.

But to have Jeongguk so close to me always rendered me speechless. Up close, Jeongguk was ethereal. The proximity was so much that I could admire that beautiful mole under his lip. Before my thoughts could go haywire, I backed away slightly, looking him in the eye as I gave him the fee for the competition. His already big eyes widened even more and I bit back a smile at the sheer shock on his face.

“If you love painting so much, you should do it.” I mustered all the warmth I felt for him into a smile.

Jeongguk was only staring with a shocked face, so I nodded in encouragement for him to accept the money.

“Can I say something, Jeongguk-ssi?”

Jeongguk nodded slowly.

“May I hold your hand?”

Jeongguk’s lips parted ever so slightly, the shock on his face turning into something akin to.. curiosity? I wasn’t quite sure. But it was time I cleared some things to him. So when he consented by nodding in affirmation, I held his hand in both my hands, grip as gentle and warm as I could manage.

“I know the circumstances of our marriage were unfortunate and I am also aware of the adjustments and compromises you had to make.” I began, already feeling empathy wash all over me. “You don’t know anything about me but there is something that I want you to know.”

Jeongguk was quiet but his eyes were pained and I absolutely hated that.

“You have choices, preferences. You have opinions. But most importantly, you have dreams.”  I hushed, gently squeezing his hand. “You are your own person. I just want you to never forget that.”

A smile is all I could give him, so I did that, patting his hand before leaving for my room. There were words still stuck inside me which I wanted him to know but for now, I felt content enough. we had just embarked on this journey and I promised to myself that I would leave no stone unturned to make sure Jeongguk finds his happiness someday.

I was about to enter my room when I felt a tug on my t-shirt. I tensed, slowly turning to find Jeongguk, his doe-eyes watching me as if he was searching my face, as if he was confirming something.

“Thank you.”

It was just a hushed whisper but I heard it loud and clear, his eyes were so genuine and warm, I had not expected to see that warmth for me anytime soon.

“It’s the least I could do.” I managed a smile as warm as his gaze was. “Good night, Jeongguk-ssi.”

He nodded, and as much as I didn’t want to part from him, I entered into my room. There was something different though. Probably it was the fact that we had talked for the first time like this, or it was the warmth in Jeongguk’s demeanor, or probably it was the small smile the boy had just before he went towards his bedroom.

I dreamt of that same smile that night.

Chapter Text

Canvases. Paint brushes. Colors.

That’s what I came back home to the next day. Everything was neatly kept in a corner of the couch and I understood Jeongguk had began preparing for the competition already. I felt relieved that I had left some extra cash for him along with the competition fee. I was hoping he had used that to get all the necessities.

My eyes searched for him and withing a minute, he was coming in the living hall, busy looking at his phone. I watched him check something on the screen and then look at the things he had gotten, mumbling inaudible words in confirmation, nodding his head when he was satisfied.

There was something different about him. It was excitement. For the first time, I was seeing him.. happy. He was humming a soft tune while he caressed the canvas as if he was reliving the past he had buried long ago. He looked so unbelievably beautiful like that, all I wished to do was protect him from the world.

I didn’t know for how long I stood there just admiring him from afar but I was brought out of my trance-like state by Jeongguk’s voice, realising a minute later that he was waving his hand infront of my face to gain my attention.

“Y-Yeah, hi, Jeongguk-ssi.” I tried to get a grip.

“Are you okay? I didn’t even realise when you came back.”

Jeongguk’s brows were furrowed in concern.

“I am okay, yes. Was just looking at the preparations you have already begun with.” I managed a smile, encouraging.

Jeongguk’s smile was sheepish, his cheeks turning the lightest shade of pink.

“I want to get my flair back. So, I wanted to practice.”

“That’s good. I hope you ace at it.”

“Thank you. The dinner is ready.”

“Yes, I’ll just be back.”

I was so content with the progress we were making with the relationship. For the most part, it was still formal; excessively so. But I was glad Jeongguk had begun conversing, even if slightly. I did a quick job at freshening up before walking towards the kitchen, finding Jeongguk as he plated the dinner. It was a quiet affair, silence falling over the table.

“Is there anything else you need for the competition?” I asked when I couldn’t bear to be silent anymore.

“Not right now.”

I could only nod, uncertain as to what to speak.

“Where is it happening?” God, was I desperate.

“In the city auditorium. It was mentioned in the brochure.”

“Right. It slipped my mind.” I felt like running right inro traffic so that I could get mauled by a truck.

I embraced silence, and I felt nothing golden about it. It was sheer helplessness and hopelessness.

“Uhm.. how was work?”

My head snapped up at the question, at Jeongguk’s angelic voice, at the way he looked at me for a moment before averting his gaze.

“The usual.” I mumbled. “The lunch was delicious, my colleagues were raving about it.”

Jeongguk smiled politely again, and I wanted to scream in utter frustration. But I swallowed down all of it with a smile of my own. The dinner was over and I was glad for it. It was a torture to be infront of someone whom you want to douse in affection but are forced to be distant from.

By the time I was in the room, my heart felt heavier. The whole issue was that I was the only one who was harboring expectations of making this marriage to mean something to us. I was the only one in this marriage with a hope to fill it with love. Jeongguk had already yielded his weapons, he had given up without even trying.

But I couldn’t blame him. I would never blame him. What Jeongguk had gone through was something I would never get the intensity of. And I had no right to make him feel obligated towards me or this marriage. He was doing enough as it was.

The night wilted away like the waning moon I could see from my window.

The routine was mechanical only the next morning. Going to the kitchen, finding the breakfast already on the table, sharing the meal with my husband who barely acknowledged me except for when he thought I might need anything. I stole glances at Jeongguk, but what could have changed? So I just finished my breakfast, taking the lunch Jeongguk offered me when I was about to leave.

“Jeongguk-ssi, I am thinking of visiting Jimin today after work. Would you want to accompany me?”

The hesitation in Jeongguk’s eyes was instant.

“It’s not necessary. I was just.. since you would be alone here, I thought I you might want to.” I clarified.

“If it’s okay, I would like to stay in and practice painting.”

That was that.

“Of course, no pressure. I’ll be back slightly later than usual. If you need anything, please do not hesitate to call me.”

I did not know how to feel at the relief that I could sense in Jeongguk’s demeanor.

†

“Welcome to my humble abode, Mr. Kim.”

I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at the dramatic greeting when I paid a visit to Jimin almost every two days.

“This isn’t your abode, but your workplace. Stop being dramatic, will you, Jimin-ah?”

“Wow, what got your panties in a twist?” Jimin raised a brow.

I gladly accepted the glass of wine he offered me, almost gulping it whole.

“Whoa, whoa, tiger. Easy.” Jimin’s face scrunched up in a frown. “Tae, is everything alright?”

“Peachy.”

I could sense Jimin’s concern rippling through his demeanor and I felt slightly guilty to fling myself like this so randomly on him. I took a deep breath, gulping down the remaining wine before looking at him. Jimin’s eyes were focussed on me, trying to gauge, to search, to diagnose.

“You know I am here to listen, babe.” Jimin said softly, squeezing my hand.

My lips quirked up at that, couldn’t help but look at him cheekily.

“I am your babe?”

“Kim Taehyung, I swear to God!”

I burst out in laughter, feeling infinitely better already.

“You gonna tell me what’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong, my friend, is that I am in love.”

Jimin’s face lit up with a wide grin, his eyes disappearing with how big the smile was.

“Firecrackers through the roof! Finally!” Jimin chuckled, patting my back. “Who’s the lucky guy?”

Even Jimin quietened seeing the smile on my face turn rueful. Just the thought of Jeongguk and his void eyes had my heart clench.

“My husband.” I mumbled, eyeing the vacuum. “I have fallen in love with my husband.”

“That’s really amazing, Tae.” Jimin smiled.

“Not for him.”

“What are you saying?”

“He.. He doesn’t even look at me, Jimin. Let alone love me.”

“He’ll have to. You are his husband now.”

“What?” I couldn’t help the aggression that crept up my voice. “What the hell are you even saying, Jimin? You think I am that kind of a man?”

“Tae, I didn’t mean it like that.” Jimin pacified.

“The day you see me forcing even a cuisine on him, that’ll be the last day you’d see me alive. Note my word.”

It got silent.

I had to look away from Jimin because of the softness that was shining in his eyes.

“I didn’t know you had it in you to love someone like this. You have never even looked at anyone all your life.”

“I wasn’t aware of it myself.” I hushed, eyes stuck on the refilled wine in my glass. “Jeongguk brings out a side of me I didn’t know existed.”

“Why not tell him that?”

“Because!” I groaned, head falling back on the couch. “He says it’s not in him anymore. Love has lost all meanings to him, Jimin.”

I didn’t realise when I had become teary, couldn’t stop the tears that rolled down my temple, wiping them immediately.

“Oh, Tae..” Jimin didn’t wait to embrace me and I was grateful.

I was in need of that comfort, that assurance.

“The first time I fall in love, the first time I understand what love means.. and it ends like this? What had I ever done wrong?” I whispered, holding on to the comfort that was my best friend.

“You said he has lost all meanings. But no one said you couldn’t give him new meanings.”

I looked at him, confused.

“Show him that he deserves love again. A love that will make him whole, a love that will make him bloom and smile until his heart opens up again. Show him how you love, Taehyung.”

“What if he doesn’t accept me?”

“What if he does accept you?”

My mind started rushing with possibilities, with what ifs. If I could make this marriage work, I wanted nothing more than that.

“He has participated in a painting competition starting tomorrow. I wish to see him in his element.”

“Perfect! You should.”

“But not like this, Jimin. I don’t want him to see me or know that I am there, or I know he would become his usual hesitant and polite self.”

“What do you want then?”

“I.. do your magic, Jimin-ah. Help me get closer to him. Make me so unrecognizable that he wouldn’t even dare think I am the Taehyung who reminds him of the Faustian-like bargain he had to do. Make him see a version of me that he might.. that he might love.”

Jimin thought he was being sly when he wiped his tear, but I could see it. I smiled fondly when he hugged me again. It was a yes.

“I feel I have served the purpose of deciding to be a grooming instructor today. I will definitely be a part of something so beautiful that the universe has threaded. I want you to get your love and I will make sure you do.”

With that it began.

I sat in a corner, watching Jimin make calls after calls and withing half an hour his studio was filling with people I had never seen. Jimin stood in front with a team of four behind him and I could only blink.

“Get ready, Kim; to witness a makeover you never have imagined.” Jimin smirked, clapping twice as if gesturing an initiation.

I was made to sit on the recliner, not getting the time to understand anything before a man was holding my shoulders and pulling me rest against the chair. I looked up to find that person winking at me before he took my specs off and began cleaning my face with a moist wipe. I was just getting myself comfortable when another man held my hand, examining it as if it was a gem in need of carving. He nodded to himself, fiddling with the contents of his bag. I was looking at him when the third person began threading his fingers in my hair, humming to himself as he nodded at Jimin.

I felt overwhelmed with the suddenness of it all.

“Jimin, all t-this.. what is happening?”

“I am just delivering on what you asked me to do. If Jeongguk recognises you tomorrow, I’ll never accept a client again.”

I was confident because I knew how talented Jimin was. I had seen him progress unbelievably fast and with a precision only naturally gifted people have. Jimin was a natural. In the past five years, he had become one of the most sought-after grooming instructors because of how poised, how graceful and how beautiful he was himself. His clients took with themselves more than what they had asked for and I was hopeful he would do justice to my cause more than anyone could ever.

It took about an hour for them to work their magic. And it was magic because the person that stood infront of the mirror after they were done, was definitely not me. I gawked at my own self. Never in a thousand years would I have been able to imagine myself as this.

I.. I looked like I had never before. They had given me a completely different hairstyle. My hair had grown long and it came as a blessing now because they had styled and gelled it to the side, few strands falling on my forehead. Jimin had asked the hairstylists to dye my hair temporarily and it was honeyed blonde shade I never thought I could pull off. But I couldn’t disagree that it did suit me more than I could have imagined.

I was dressed in a plaid oversized shirt over which was a black leather jacket a size bigger than mine. The jeans were a comfortable fit but ripped in the knee and one on the thigh. They had done my make-up as well, giving me very subtle smoky eyes and a lip piercing. Dear lord.

Jimin had adorned me with his favorite pair of silver dangling earring on one ear. I was fine with all this but then Jimin had come and gave me a goddamn lollipop. The moment I had started enjoying it and glanced at my reflection, my whole personality seemed different. I seemed different.

For the first time when I looked at my reflection, it didn’t make me dread my own self. For the first time, I felt like I deserved to be loved too, that even I had a chance with someone as ethereal as Jeongguk.

“Oh my god.” I heard Jimin whisper beside me.

He was equally as shocked, his eyes unwavering on me and I felt myself grin.

“You.. You moron!” Jimin smacked me and I yelped, rubbing the area he had hit, glaring at him. “This is what you have been hiding all this time? Would you look at yourself?”

“I can look at myself without being hit too, just saying.” I grumbled, earning another smack.

“Taehyung, please tell me you see just how unreally gorgeous you are.”

“I wouldn’t go to that extent, but I look decent enough.”

“Decent enough? I could eat you up.”

“Eww, Jimin, what the hell?”

“Let me be gay in peace.”

“Then be gay with your own boyfriend, God!”

“Oh, trust me I am plenty gay with Yoongi.”

“I want this conversation to end right now or I will end you.”

“Ah, just the attire of a man of the street and you began acting like it as well?” Jimin wiggled his brows. “Jeongguk wouldn’t have a hint what hit him tomorrow. Oh, I can’t wait!”

“Jimin, I look like a mobster.” I deadpanned, looking at myself. “What if Jeongguk gets wary of me?”

“You said you just want to see him from afar.” Jimin rolled his eyes.

“Well, yeah, but-”

“Taehyung, just give yourself a chance. Stop overthinking and just bask in your new look.”

I could only let out a sigh, but if I was being honest, this makeover filled me with a hope, a confidence I never had.

“Mr. Park, we should begin with the rest.” Someone called.

I turned to look at Jimin with a brow raised in question and he only held my hand, taking us towards those men.

“Tae, they will teach you the body language and demeanor. You need to behave like you are dressed.”

“So should I rent a gun then?”

Jimin's laughter rang loud, so did the two men's.

“No, Sir.” One of the men said. “We will train you to be more extroverted, bolder in your day-to day approach, someone who is exact opposite of your personality.”

“Is that even possible?” I couldn’t help but ask.

“It is if you want it to be.” Jimin smiled. “If you want this to work, you need to believe it will work, Tae. And put efforts then.”

“Since you probably won’t have to interact with many people as you want to stay afar, we will only teach you some basics into playing your role. You can get the hang of it afterwards.” One of the men said.

So another half hour or so went into learning the body language and mannerisms of this person I was going to be temporarily for tomorrow. I didn’t even realise the time until my phone began ringing. Some deep part inside me hoped that it was Jeongguk and I almost dropped the phone when it actually was him. Oh, holy hell. Should have wished for something else if the universe was finally answering my wishes.

“Hello?” My voice came out just a hushed whisper, still not believing.

“Taehyung-ssi?”

“Y-Yeah.” I breathed shakily.

Jeongguk’s voice was so sweet, God, I wished to hear it forever.

“Uhm.. It’s almost midnight.”

My eyes widened, checking the wall clock, cursing under my breath. Way to be reckless, Kim Taehyung.

“I-I was just on my way back.”

“No, it’s okay. I do not want to interrupt. I just.. you said you’ll be back later than usual. But it was getting late so.. wanted to check.”

My heart thudded in my chest.                                                                                         Was Jeongguk worried? For me?

Just the thought had a smile come on my face, lighting my whole mood up.

“I was going to leave anyway. I will see you when I am home.”

“Okay..”

I checked the phone but he had not hung up.

“Jeongguk-ssi? Do you want me to get you anything?”

“No. I.. drive safe.”

With that the call got cut. The smile on my lips turned into a full blown grin, a soft chuckle leaving me.

First concern.

“What has gotten you to light up like a bulb?” Jimin looked at me curiously.

“As if you didn’t eavesdrop.”

“I did.” Jimin said shamelessly. “But unfortunately not the other side.”

“He told me to drive safe.”

“…and that made you bloom like a flower because?”

I could only laugh in glee. I could not make anyone understand why I was so ecstatic. But that was okay. Because even if Jeongguk had closed all the doors of love inside him, I could see the cracks and crevices, could see how much he craved affection, how much he was capable of reciprocating the same and I would do everything to make that happen for him.

While on my way back, I stopped to get some sweets that I had noticed Jeongguk liked. Even if I didn’t have to, I felt like making up to him for being so late. As I parked the car, I took in my reflection, making sure no sign of the makeover was on me, thank heavens for the temporary dye. I pushed my specs back a bit, finally getting out and opening the door. It didn’t take more than a few minutes for Jeongguk to come out of the room. There was paint smudged on his t-shirt and a hint of it also on his cheek. His big eyes were blinking at me, lips slightly pouting and I had to pray to every power in the world to not combust because of how adorable the boy was.

“Hi.” I murmured.

Jeongguk nodded, the same polite smile in place.

“Did you come back because of my call?”

“No. It happens when I am with Jimin, we lose the track of time. But I’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

It seemed like Jeongguk had something to say, but he just kept mum and I desperately wanted to know what he was thinking, if he was angry on me, if he did not like me coming so late. I gauged his face for any reaction I could get but all I got was silence.

“I got you some sweets. I noticed you have a sweet tooth. So.. here.” I passed the bag to him.

Jeongguk seemed surprised, peeking inside the bag. For the first time, I saw his eyes shine, his demeanor slightly budging from the usual mechanical way. His lips quirked in a ghost of a smile and the sense of accomplishment that filled me was immense.

“Thank You.” Jeongguk whispered.

“It’s alright. I am sorry for not informing you but I forgot to pay attention to the time. If I worried you, I apologize.”

I expected him to deny, to be polite again. But to my pleasant surprise, Jeongguk only nodded and hope bloomed in my chest. In that moment something dawned on me which made the sense of responsibility rise in me. Jeongguk was absolutely lonely here. He only had me. I had Jimin and Yoongi, but he didn’t have anyone he could rely on, anyone he could call his friend. I felt guilty for leaving the boy all alone just because I selfishly wanted to vent my frustration. Where would Jeongguk go for the same? The thought had me want to smack myself.

“Jeongguk-ssi, can I say something?”

A nod.

“Please be more honest with me.” I requested, biting my lip when Jeongguk stood frozen. “I know I shouldn’t have been away for so long but if something like this happens again, I would like it if you showed your displeasure over it. I want to take care of you better and for that I would like it if you are more honest with whatever you are feeling. I.. if not anything else, let’s try to be friends.”

“F-Friends?”

“Yes.” I managed a warm smile. “I would love to be your friend, so will Jimin. You don’t have to feel alone. We are here.”

Jeongguk seemed to be taken aback by the offer, but I could understand. I didn’t push more, only smiled at him before leaving towards the room. Lying on my bed as I called it a night, all I could think was how nice it would be to know what went in Jeongguk’s head sometimes. There was no way of knowing how he felt regarding the things I said, I did; but I wished with everything in me that I was atleast making him comfortable as the days progressed.

Sleep came with Jeongguk’s blooming face yet again.

Chapter Text

If the thought that whatever Jeongguk had bought for his competition was a lot had hit me when I had seen it in the living room, what I was witnessing at the moment was far greater in intensity than that.

I stood surrounded by canvases of all shapes and sizes, the smell of paint strong around me, the soft rustle of brushes on the white background covering it in hues that my life was void of. When I was young, I had been extremely fascinated by artists, had sought out art books just to understand paintings and the thought behind them, but as I grew up, that part of me shifted to somewhere deep inside me, somewhere even I couldn’t get a hold of it. Standing here after so many years sent me to that trip down the memory lane I didn’t know I had needed. My eyes shut close on their own account, reveling in the artistic silence I was surrounded by.

“Excuse me, sir?”

I jolted at the sudden interruption, noticing a woman in black t-shirt with A Frescoed Life written on it. She was part of the team there then.

“Have you registered already?” the woman asked, ger gaze moving up and down my frame.

I knew my face was flushed, but I stood my ground, matching her gaze.

“I.. I am only here to watch for now.”

“I am aware that paintings are supposed to be admired, but it’s way better an experience when you hold the brush yourself. Come on, let’s get you registered.”

Oh heavens.

Within just a few minutes, I had registered and paid for something I wasn’t even good at, something I hadn’t touched and hadn’t let touch me in years. I stood overwhelmed in the middle of that studio, slowly glancing around to search for the face I was doing all of this for. The canvases sat on easels at a fixed distance from each other so the artists won’t feel crumpled and congested. People had begun filling in, taking their seats and I just wandered lost. My eyes were on a constant look out but I couldn’t find Jeongguk anywhere.

Maybe this was a bad idea. I felt incredibly stupid the way I had rashly behaved before even confirming if Jeongguk would be here today or not. I had just assumed he would, given how excited he had seemed. I turned back on my heels, wanting to get out of there but then my feet froze, eyes finally landing on the person who had just entered the room.

I felt breaths getting caught in my throat just at his appearance. Jeongguk stood there, looking around with his eyes so big and lost like a puppy. He was nibbling on his lip, a habit I had come to realise he did when he was nervous. All of me itched to go and hold him in the comfort of my arms but then, the truth was that he would never find comfort in my proximity. Yes, he had been civil to me these days, had been conversative, but to expect more right now was foolish.

I subdued those thoughts. Jeongguk was about to look into my direction but I squeaked quietly, hiding behind the pillar before he could see me. I was aware the way I was dressed, just like Jimin had made me during the makeover, there was slight chance of him recognising me. But the risks of it were too heavy to even consider.

I peeked from where I stood, finding Jeongguk walk towards the canvas that was placed second in the third row. He got busy in taking out his colors and brushes and I got busy in staring at him. It was creepy, I was aware, to watch him like stalkers, but the way I was seeing him right now was something I knew wont happen when he’d be with me. He was anxious yes, but his eyes were radiant, his face was glowing with the poorly concealed artistic ecstasy. I had not seen him like that ever since we had gotten married.

“Sir? Why do I find you like this every time?”

I jerked at the sudden voice beside me, finding the woman who had gotten me registered.

“Sit in front of a canvas of your choice, please.” The woman said, a subtle frown on her face because of how weirdly I was behaving.

“Ma’am, please understand, I do not know how to paint. I just.. someone I know is here and I wish to see them. I would leave after that.”

“You have already registered for it, so might as well give it a try. Come on, let me show you where you can sit.”

I was again forced into choosing a seat and so I selected the one from where I could see Jeongguk clearly; just beside him. It was a daring move for someone who was scared shitless about getting caught. But I was here only for him so I braced myself and sat there hoping the boy wont spare a look at me. Lucky for me, he didn’t. Jeongguk was lost in his paints and his thoughts. On his phone, he was going through some images as far as I could decipher, probably looking for some inspiration. Something in his demeanor screamed how serious he was for this, that he had meant it when he had said he liked painting. From where I was looking at, he loved it more than anything.

He was dressed in a half-sleeved forest green shirt and trousers; his hair loose in the wolf-cut that suited him more than anyone, the look so formal and simple and yet I couldn’t look away from him. I didn’t want to come off as a creep so I kept taking side glances at him, but God, did I wish to just take in his being without abandon, to caress his facial features with my eyes, to admire his little pout every time he would be focussed, to revel in the small sounds of intrigue, fascination or confusion he would make from time to time. I was surrounded by potential art in making, but for me Jeongguk was the art I would want to die admiring.

Because I didn’t have my own stuff, one of the team members brought me a few brushes and paints, some pencils, a spare cloth and palette. I had no idea what I was supposed to do, I had not touched a brush in my life even if I had an inclination towards painting and art. I was brought out of my thoughts when a few people entered the studio room and looking at them I assumed they were the head instructors.

“Good Morning, everyone! It’s amazing to see so many of you wanting to bask in art.” A man smiled at us. “I am Nolan and I am an art critic. I will be helping you out as well as try to be your mentor for this journey.”

My heart started thumping in my chest. An art critic for the competition. This was going to be no joke and here I was, clueless and absolutely rusty.

“Choosing Seoul for this competition was deliberate because the capital is rooted in culture and art. I am glad that our decision was right seeing the participation. A warm welcome to you all. I am Iseul and I will be your mentor as well.” The woman waved at us.

I looked at Jeongguk and his lips were stretched in a soft smile, something that I had not been at the receiving end of and I didn’t know I was so petty but I felt extreme envy towards art because it had something I didn’t.

Jeongguk’s heart.

“Even though we shared almost all the information on the brochure and the website. But we kept a surprise for you.” Nolan grinned, sly and cheeky.

“The last version of this competition was aimed at independent artists, focussing on their individual development and journey. But this time, we decided to tweak it a bit.” Iseul smirked playfully.

I did not have a good feeling about this and I just wated to vanish into thin air. Not only would I embarrass myself infront of these strangers, but if Jeongguk got even a hint of who I was, I would die of embarrassment because these people didn’t matter to me. Jeongguk did.

“The competition will be..” Iseul said, looking at Nolan. “In pairs!” The both of them announced. “You will work with a partner and we will judge your compatibility, your perspective, the intricacies of your art and the cohesion you two can bring in the painting.”

I felt I was going to black out. This couldn’t have gotten more worse. But the universe was hell bent on proving me wrong because-

“The person sitting next to you will be your partner, for the ease of this process. Get to know each other for today, discuss the perspectives you share and we will begin after lunch. Come back here by 2. Since today is the initiation, we will have a light painting session so get into the rhythm.” Nolan informed.

Everything came to stand still for me. The first instinct was to get up and run and I did just that but the moment I stood up, the woman from earlier gestured me to sit and I wanted to scream. Oh, dear lord. Oh no.

“The competition wouldn’t begin from the get go. The first week is going to be like a workshop where you would be given basic knowledge of art from our top instructors. From the second week, we will finally start the competition where you will be expected to paint according the themes we give you.” Iseul said.

“Also, in total there would be three themes in the whole competition. You will be judged on two themes in the second week wherein we will select top three pairs. And the concluding week will be the biggest final theme. By the end of the final week, we will have our winner.” Nolan broke it down.

“Now that we are clear with the progression, go ahead and meet your partners. See you at 2.” One of the assistants said before all of them left.

I couldn’t dare look anywhere else other than the blank canvas in front of me. I could feel Jeongguk’s gaze on me now and my heart threatened to explode with how fast it was beating. In the anxiety I was wrapped in, I unwrapped the lollipop Jimin had put in the pocket of my leather jacket and put it in my mouth just so I won’t have to face Jeongguk. It was a stupid attempt but I was on the verge of having a meltdown.

“Uhm.. excuse me?”

Oh, that angelic voice. Something inside me settled down at Jeongguk’s soft timbre and despite myself, I couldn’t help but glance at him, finding the boy looking at me with his beautiful doe-eyes, wide with curiosity. I noticed the way he scanned me from top to bottom, and I couldn’t blame him. It was natural given the way I was dressed like a mobster. Cherry on the cake? The goddamn lollipop. All I hoped was for him to not recognise me. And I was hopeful because I had even put on blue lenses in my eyes, changed myself completely just so I could be safe.

“Hi. We will be partners, I guess.” Jeongguk chuckled nervously.

It worked.

It had worked. The whole makeover was successful because I couldn’t find recognition in Jeongguk’s expressive eyes. I would hug Jimin tight for his magic.

“Hello.” I cleared my throat, making my voice octaves lower than it was usually.

Jeongguk’s eyes widened slightly, but it was immediate the way he composed himself.

“Looks like we really are going to be partners. What a pleasant thought.” My lips quirked slightly.

I had no idea what I was saying. I saw Jeongguk’s brows furrow slightly but he nodded.

“W-Well, see you at 2 then. Good bye.” Jeongguk mumbled, getting up.

Great, I had made him uncomfortable. But I pushed those thoughts because I wasn’t Taehyung here. And I decided to keep the concerns Taehyung had at bay, embracing this new personality I had acquired. So, I held Jeongguk’s wrist in a gentle hold, keeping my face blank as I looked at him; really looked at him.  

“It’s not a good bye when we are about to be together for a long time now.” I ended up saying. “See you soon, fellow traveller.” I winked.

The frown on Jeongguk’s face only got deeper but before he could retort, I got up and left. The moment I came outside, I ran towards the restroom, locking myself in the farthest stall and calling Jimin right away.

“Hello, lover boy! How did it go?” Jimin’s chirpy voice rang.

“I had to get myself registered and now I am partnered with Jeongguk out of all people for the rest of the competition, Jimin, I am freaking out!”

“Whoa, whoa! Slow down and walk me through it, Tae.”

So I told him about everything from the beginning.

“Damn. Only you could have had such luck, not that it’s a bad thing.” Jimin chuckled.

“What will I do, Jimin? I was only going to watch him and then put this pretence behind. But now I will have to be this person in front of him for a month almost.”

“Taehyung, maybe all this is the indication that you have gotten a second chance into making things right.” Jimin said, his voice was comforting. “I know this is going to be really cumbersome for you to live a double life, but you said it yourself that you’ll get to witness the Jeongguk who got lost somewhere. And in between all this, who knows you two might build something beautiful.”

I listened to it quietly, taking in his words, my mind running wild.

“And as far as the pretence is concerned, we have given you lessons for it, Tae. We can keep continuing it so you would get into the skin of the person you are supposed to be with Jeongguk there. We can make it work. You just need to give this a chance. I have a good feeling it will lead you to a better place.”

 “What if he recognises me?”

“If he hasn’t till now, he wont further as well. Trust my abilities, will you?” Jimin huffed and I stifled a laugh.

“I’ll come see you in the evening after this.” I said before hanging up.

I stayed in the stall for about fifteen minutes because I needed to calm down. Going out would mean facing Jeongguk again, but I was hungry. So I got a grip of myself before leaving for the canteen. Looking around, I found Jeongguk nowhere and it had me sigh in relief. I got done with the lunch quickly, deciding to explore the studio a bit. It wasn’t just a painting studio, it was an art studio which included all major art forms. Looking around, I found dance workshops going on, some students were doing vocal training, a few were taking sculpting lessons and more. Being engulfed by so much talent, I felt myself lacking suddenly.

This was your dream? To work in the corporate? Is that what you are saying?

Jeongguk’s question to me the other mind flashed in my head. Seeing people around following their true calling, their passion had me rethink all of life decisions. It wasn’t that I was unhappy where I was, but it was also true that up until now, the concept of happiness didn’t matter much to me. I was neutral to every event in my life. It was Jeongguk who had come as my awakening. It was because of Jeongguk I had understood that someone’s company could actually fill me with ecstasy I had never experienced.

Even if considering all this, I realized my job didn’t give me any dissatisfaction. I was quite content there, I was good at what I did and even if I hadn’t done it before, I could pursue the things I left behind. All credits to Jeongguk.

I didn’t even realise when it was already time for us to be back at our seats. When I went to the room, Jeongguk was already there, busy in his phone. I had his attention the moment I sat beside him. I could sense his gaze on me again, but I looked straight ahead at Nolan and Iseul.

“So, now that we are here, let’s begin with whatever you feel right. We just want to see your visions and how you look at the world. From tomorrow, we will begin with the workshop.” Iseul said.

I looked at my side then, and Jeongguk was already looking at me.

“I know I am handsome, but it would be better if we focus on the task at hand, lovely.” I hushed, a smirk creeping up my lips when Jeongguk’s baby cheeks turned pink.

I had no idea just where all of this confidence was coming from, but I had embraced the personality of the man I was being just like I was taught and if I was being honest, Jeongguk’s reactions were priceless.

“By the way, we were supposed to get to know each other. And here you are, haven’t even told me your name.”

I had turned to the side, my arm resting on the chair as I propped my cheek on my palm, gaze steady on Jeongguk. It felt liberating to interact with him without walking over eggshells.

“I don’t know what to call you as well, but whatever.” Jeongguk mumbled, rolling his eyes.

I sat surprised at the sass, at the way I was seeing glimpses of that bratty boy I had seen the first time. And I felt like an achiever already.

“Well, call me by your name and I’ll call you by mine.” I winked at him.

Jeongguk’s expressions morphed into a soft scowl, he was about to retort when Nolan called for our attention.

“You may make a sketch, a portrait or paint. We want you to do whatever you feel like today. This is supposed to be an individual task, so we wish to see the respective works of you all. You may begin now.”

“I am Jeon Jeongguk.” Jeongguk said after a while, cleaning his brush. “And you are?”

Oh heavens. I had not thought this through. What was I supposed to call myself now?

“Excuse me?” Jeongguk called again, frowning because of my silence.

“I.. I am..” I drawled out, my mind racing. “I am Vante.”

“Vante..” Jeongguk whispered, as of testing the name on his tongue.

“Never knew my name could sound so beautiful.”

“Vante-ssi, please focus on the task at hand.” Jeongguk raised a brow, throwing my words at me.

I was absolutely enjoying this side of him. It felt like a rock was lifted off my chest. As far as the task at hand was concerned, I had no idea what to do. Jeongguk was already painting his canvas in the base he wanted. Back when I was exploring my interest in art, I used to sketch a lot but it had been years since I lifted a pencil for that purpose. I could not even call myself rusty at this point.

I picked up a pencil, still not sure what to make, staring at the canvas as if it would help me out. I took a glance at Jeongguk and he was focussed, his brows slightly furrowed, his tongue peeking from the side. He looked so adorable, I wanted to kiss him silly. I took a deep breath, closing my eyes. The only thing I saw was that wide grin on Jeongguk’s face the first time I had seen him. I saw those big bambi eyes shining brighter than the stars.  

Without even realizing, the pencil touched the canvas. Everything turned into a white noise the moment something began taking shape, the moment what had captured me whole began appearing on the canvas. Minutes turned into an hour and more but I couldn’t look away from what I was making, as if that suppressed art in me had resurfaced all of a sudden; as if all I needed was to get my hands on the right thing and art would flow from my heart to whatever medium there was.

When Nolan and Iseul announced the time and that we were supposed to wrap up, that’s when I finally brought myself back to this world. I was so lost in trying to pour my emotions, that I had even forgotten Jeongguk was sitting right beside me. I looked at the canvas, a content smile coming on my lips. Yes, I was rusty, but I was getting my flair back as well. I was happy I had given myself this chance.

Jeongguk’s doe-eyes stared back at me from my canvas. I had sketched just his eyes and his brows diagonally on the canvas with a charcoal pencil, smudged it in the right places for effect. But what actually highlighted it was the background I had decided on. In contrast to the black I had chosen for the eyes, the background was bright, pastel purple, pink, blue, every shade of the sunset sky. I had made sure to blend them perfectly well before sprinkling pink and purple shimmer like fairy dust. His eyes looked so beautiful, just like in my imagination. I couldn’t help but feel accomplished. Jeongguk deserved to be portrayed only in the most ethereal of ways.

The only thing I wished was for Jeongguk to not recognise what I had made. The chances were high that he would, but I risked it anyway. It was instinct to draw him, it wasn’t deliberate. The first thing I drew after ages and it had to be Jeongguk. I wasn’t even surprised. He was my muse.

“Alright, we will look at your canvases now and tell you about it personally.” Iseul smiled, and with that all of them scattered in the direction of all the participants.

Nolan was the one who came towards me and I was dreading his comments because he was a critic after all. I was an amateur and to think of how I might embarrass myself in front of my husband had me close my eyes.

“Hmm, interesting.” I heard the critic say, and looked in his direction.

He was gazing at my canvas in concentration, his expression curious and intrigued and I thanked heavens that it wasn’t something unpleasant.

“The eyes are the darkest, as if engulfed by a storm, as if crying for help but the background is oxymoronic. What did you actually want to show here, Mr… uh” Nolan looked at the paper in hand, “Mr. Vante?”

I looked at Jeongguk and his gaze was stuck on my canvas. My heartbeat rose, stomach dropping at the thought of his recognition. But I cleared my throat, focussing on Nolan.

“That eyes tell.” I replied. “Even if there is a storm raging inside, giving yourself a chance might do wonders.”

I was aware I had managed to get Jeongguk’s rapt attention but it didn’t scare me anymore. I wanted to bask in it.

“Wow. That’s quite deep for initiation, Mr. Vante, if I am being honest.” Nolan chuckled. “I can see that you possess artistic perspective but your strokes need polishing, and so does your sketching a little bit.”

“I drew after years, so that’s given.”

“Yeah, it’s visible. But no worries. We will hone your skills in the workshop.” Nolan smiled. “Keep up the good work.”

I sagged in relief at being able to save the little ego I had. When I looked to the side, my gaze fell on Jeongguk’s canvas and I inhaled sharply, my heart aching at the sheer pain he had poured in. The background was obsidian, over which he had drawn a heart but it was in shards, broken from between and bleeding. The heart wasn’t pure crimson in shade, I think slight pink was mixed in it. it was red with a hint of pink but the bleeding tracks were crimson. It was simplistic but I understood why Jeongguk had wanted to take part in this competition. He was seeking a vent.

Iseul was discussing with him about his work and I found myself staring at the boy again. A heart like his, so pure, so full of love was bleeding like this and I vowed then and there that by the end of this competition, I’ll heal him. If not completely, atleast it would be a beginning. I would do whatever it takes to show him that he deserves love again, that he will get all the love if he just so much as extends his hand in my direction.

I will show Jeongguk that his heart isn’t made to bleed. It’s made to love. I will be that love for him now.  

†

“You could still tell him that Vante is actually you.”

“And lose my chance to witness the side that he would otherwise never show me?”

I gulped my wine, pushing the glass towards Jimin for a refill.

“I saw a glimpse of the Jeongguk that I had fallen in love with, Jimin.” My voice was just a hushed whisper but I knew Jimin heard it. “If he gets the hint that Vante is Taehyung, he would always be on guard, he would walk over eggshells just like I would and all this would be like coming back to square one.”

“But for how long will you be able to manage this double life?”

Jimin wasn’t wrong to ask that.

“I am not sure. But if I have gotten till here, I am certain I will find a way further as well.”

“You know, I never thought I will see this version of you someday.” Jimin’s smile was soft.

“Neither did I.” I chuckled. “It’s all Jeongguk, if I am being honest.”

“When he realizes just how much you feel for him, he wouldn’t find ground, mark my words. He would be on the ninth cloud, always.”

“I don’t think I can give him much. But I will give him all of me. Everything that I have, everything that I am, it will all belong to Jeongguk till the rest of our lives. I am not sure of a lot of things but the one thing I am certain of is my devotion for him, the love that I have for him.”

Jimin’s only response was a warm hug and, in that moment, I had needed nothing more.

On my way back home, it suddenly hit me that I’d have to face Jeongguk. My stomach churned at the thought of him recognizing my disguise, but it wasn’t like I had a choice. As I reached the door of the cottage, I took some time to brace myself, pushing my specs back at their place, making sure I look like usual before finally entering. I didn’t get much time to stall because Jeongguk was sitting in the living room itself. There was a small canvas in his hands, his brows furrowed in concentration. He hadn’t noticed my presence yet, so I took the liberty to look at him a bit more, moving closer to him. That’s when I noticed that he was practicing what Iseul had discussed with him back in the class.

Jeongguk was not taking this lightly at all. He was going to give his all, I could see and that had a smile come on my face. Jeongguk was extremely dedicated towards the things he set his mind on, he was sincere in his duties and more than anything, he was an unbelievably beautiful human being, inside out. I couldn’t help but feel immense gratefulness surge inside me at his presence in my otherwise drab and lonely life.  

“Taehyung-ssi, when did you arrive?”

I slightly jerked at the suddenness, taking a step back from him as he stood up, doe-eyes peering into my soul.

“Just now. I see you are having fun?”

The smile on my face turned softer and warmer on its own whenever I conversed with Jeongguk. it was as if it had become inherent in me to make sure Jeongguk knew he deserved nothing but such tenderness.

“I am. It’s.. soothing in its own way.” Jeongguk hushed, smiling fondly at the canvas in his hand.

“It’s good to see you so invested in your passion. I feel I am living an alternate life vicariously through you.”

The soft laugh that left me had Jeongguk smile as well and my heart sang at the sight because it wasn’t just a polite smile. It was a pleased one.

“Have you been into art?” The boy asked.

“When I was a kid, I sometimes used to read art books, indulge myself here and there, but nothing much. I like to admire art, though. It’s charmingly aesthetic.”

I didn’t know if I was imagining it, but Jeongguk’s eyes shone brighter at my words. He was looking at me with an unreadable expression and I desperately wished to know just what was going on in his head.

“Uhm, I’ll go change. You can continue if you wish to.” I gestured at his painting.

“I am almost done. I’ll do it after dinner. It’s ready.”

“Jeongguk-ssi..” I trailed off, slightly hesitant at what I wished to convey.

“Yes?”

“I just.. We can hire a househelp. You know you don’t have to do all this, right?”

I made sure that I spoke to him softly, all the time. Jeongguk blinked, once, twice, his lips parting to probably say something but he didn’t.

“Do.. do you not like what I make?”

His voice was so small, he looked like a wounded pet and it had my heart crumble into pieces.

“That’s far from what I am trying to say, Jeongguk-ssi. I absolutely love what you cook, how you keep our home. I.. I have never felt such warmth here before.” I tried to assure but even I was getting worked up, so I took a breath before looking at him. “I only wanted to let you know that we not following any stereotypical roles here. You are my partner, not someone who is obligated to fulfil the roles of a house husband or something like that. You have your own interests and I would be happier if you pursued what makes you really happy. That’s the least I could do. Please don’t misunderstand my intentions.”  

It got silent, undecipherably so. Jeongguk only stared at me, his face morphed into something akin to shock as far as I could understand. But then, I saw what I never wished to see.

Tears rolling down Jeongguk’s cheeks. His precious eyes spilled the salt and despite myself, I moved forward to comfort him. The need for it was overpowering, something I had never felt.

I stopped myself mid-way though. I was aware Jeongguk had seem what I wanted to do but he only kept looking at me. I felt conscious under his gaze, because it was swimming in so many emotions at the same time, I didn’t know which one to address first.

“Jeongguk-ssi, please, don’t cry because of me.” I wasn’t shy of pleading.

I felt my whole being shatter seeing Jeongguk in pain, seeing tears in his eyes. I wished to wipe his tears myself, to embrace him, keep him safe against me, give him all the assurances he wants. But I held back, fisting my hand to pull on all of my restraints. It wasn’t the right moment. Jeongguk was already overwhelmed and I had a hunch my proximity might do worse than better.

The only thing that had hope bloom in me was the self-assurance that if not Taehyung, Vante will heal Jeongguk for now.

If Taehyung couldn’t assure Jeongguk right now, Vante will.

If Taehyung couldn’t hold him close, Vante will, if that’s what Jeongguk would want too.

Vante will be Jeongguk’s awakening in this new life he was leading.

“I’m sorry, I was just overwhelmed.” Jeongguk’s voice brought me out of my thoughts.

I watched him wipe his tears, not matching my gaze. His face was slightly flushed and even when all I wanted was to pull him close and comfort him, I stood at my place.

“I am sorry too, for flinging my thoughts on you like that. I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

“I know, Taehyung-ssi. And I am grateful for what you just said. You don’t know just how much it means to me.” Jeongguk smiled, and this time I could see warmth in that upturn of lips, in his eyes. “But I am not fulfilling any stereotypical role. I like cooking and I am home anyway.”

I could only stare.

“If and when I decide to work, I have an idea you would help me as much as you can. I have come to see the compassion in you, so I know.”

I stood stupefied. This was the most Jeongguk had talked to me. This was the first instance when he was letting me know about how he felt, and I realised how keenly he had been observing me over the month we had spent together.

“I don’t have any problem doing this. So please don’t worry.”

“That’s.. Uhm, thanks for sharing that with me. I am glad you are content.”  I smiled awkwardly, nodding at him. “I’ll be back after freshening up.”

Jeongguk hushed a soft okay before keeping his canvas on the couch, leaving to get the dinner prepared. The whole way to my room and while I took a shower, the smile on my face didn’t waver. I was so inexplicably happy, it was limitless. Jeongguk had acknowledged his inclination towards putting efforts into what was our home now. Moreover, I was hit by the realization that I wasn’t invisible to him after all. He saw me. And even if it wasn’t in the way I wanted, I couldn’t ask for more as yet. My heart felt full just at the thought of him noticing little quirks of mine just like I did with his.

When I walked into the dining area, I noticed a very subtle change. Jeongguk’s plate was beside mine. I was aware my eyes were saucers, gaze finding the boy who was looking at me with a soft smile.

“Is.. Is it okay if I sit here?” Jeongguk asked softly.

When people used to say they felt like they were on the clouds, like someone has hung stars for them, I used to find that exaggeration. But right at this moment, when the boy I had fell in love with stood looking at me with those adorable Bambi eyes of his, asking so sweetly for my proximity, I actually understood what those people had meant. I wasn’t certain what had nudged this change, but I wasn’t complaining in the slightest.

“Ofcourse, Jeongguk-ssi. Whatever makes you comfortable, remember?” I managed a warm smile of my own.

The moment he sat close to me, I had to garner every bit of my self-restraint to not squeal. I could feel the warmth radiating from him, the way he was so goddamn soft, I wished to feel him closer than ever, to grace him with tender touches, to cherish him. I felt ashamed at my thoughts but how could I not when Jeongguk was a dream.

“How was your day at the studio?” I asked, to bring my shameful thoughts to an end.

“It was good. We are just getting started. There is a workshop for a week from tomorrow.”

“That’s nice.”

The dinner passed in a comfortable silence after that with occasional conversations. When I was about to go in my room, I saw Jeongguk walk towards the living hall again, picking his canvas. I was not going to bed so early and I had some work to do, but just because the initiative Jeongguk had taken during the dinner, I couldn’t help but want to push some limits as well. So I went inside, took my laptop and the files before going to the living room. Jeongguk’s eyes were big and beautiful the moment he saw me there, gaze filling with curiosity as he noticed my things.

“Is it okay if I do my work here too?”

There was hesitation in my voice, I was aware but I just didn’t want to come off as pushy. Jeongguk made me greedy. Greedy for his attention. Greedy for his proximity. Greedy for him.

I had to bit my lip to not break into a smile when I saw Jeongguk’s cheeks turn slightly pink. The boy was going to be my end.

“Y-Yeah, if you want. I just.. there is too much clutter here, sorry.”

“It’s alright. I am happy to share the space with you. Thanks for agreeing.”

It didn’t take long for Jeongguk to concentrate back on his work, his brows furrowed as he focussed, a small pout sitting on those petal lips. Oh heavens, did I want to know how they felt. I shook my head, getting a grip. Shit, had I always been so perverted?

I kept stealing glances at him, reveling in the little sounds he made often, suppressing my smile to not make him conscious. It felt extremely domestic, to sit together in the quietude of comfort, do our own thing, just bask in each other’s presence. I am not even sure for how long did we sit there, busy in our work. When I saw the watch, my eyes widened. It was almost 10. We had been here for two hours now. It didn’t even feel like hours. It was as if every minute I spent with Jeongguk only made me hungry for more.

“Jeongguk-ssi?”

“Ung?” Jeongguk mumbled, still focussed on his painting.

I was this close to combusting because of how adorable Jeongguk was, dear lord. The urge to kiss him was so big, I actually had to close my eyes and take deep breaths to act like a sane person again.

“It’s quite late. You should sleep. You’d want to feel fresh for tomorrow, right?”

Jeongguk checked the time, his own eyes widening in surprise.

“I didn’t even realise it was so late. Did you wait because of me?”

“I checked the time just now too.” I chuckled, getting up. “Oh, I forgot to mention. Jimin wishes to invite us for dinner. He absolutely loved your company and wants to get to know you better. If that’s okay with you, ofcourse.”

Jeongguk blinked, nibbling on his lip. I understood he was not so comfortable but I let him answer. Whatever he would say would go eventually.

“Uhm, we can.”

“Are you sure? If not, we don’t have to. He will understand.”

“He seems nice. He made me laugh a lot.”

I couldn’t help but snicker at that.

“Yeah, he is like that. For the ones he cares for, he would go to any lengths. I feel you would be good friends.”

“Friend?” Jeongguk mumbled, more to himself but I heard him.

It was as if he was still processing that feeling and I could imagine why. Jeongguk had to leave not just his home, but whatever circle he had back in Busan. It wasn’t like he couldn’t go back, but something told me he was avoiding it. I couldn’t even blame him. Bitter memories should be forgotten anyway.

I had a hunch he might be feeling lonely. Even if he might not open up completely with Jimin, he would still get a friend in him. At this point, Jeongguk needed that more than anything.

“If you want to, he will always be a friend to you, Jeongguk-ssi. And trust me there is no one as loyal and trustworthy as him. He can be your confidante, it will only be about you two. I won’t come in-between that bond ever. Jimin is fiercely protective of the people he adores.”

I could only hope Jeongguk would get the genuineness in my voice.

“I’d like that.” Jeongguk hushed, smiling softly.

Holy hell, I was falling for him with every passing second.

“Would this weekend be okay for you then?”

Jeongguk’s nod had a wide smile come on my face. I couldn’t be more glad he was giving us a chance.

“Okay. I’ll let him know. He is going to be really happy you agreed.” I chuckled. “Good night. Rest well.”

“Good night.”

Sleep came easily that night. I don’t think I had ever slept with a smile that big on my face before.

†

“Aye yo, fellow traveller!”

I saw Jeongguk’s gaze widen the moment he took me in. Even though I was cringing at myself internally because I was very aware what Jimin had made me wear, but I maintained my façade appreciatingly well, smirking when Jeongguk blinked twice, as if not able to believe what he was seeing. I couldn’t even blame him. I was in a blue flower-patterned Hawaiian half-sleeved shirt paired with pleated white shorts. The cherry on the cake was again that obnoxious lollipop that I was circling along my tongue. My hair was gelled back, parted from the side, only a few strands falling over my forehead and Jimin had raved about the whole look; but I could hardly find the charm in it. I was more comfortable in my usual trousers and shirts.

I was slightly conscious today because I was convinced (read forced) to wear temporary tattoos on the side of my neck, coming down to my chest. It was a beautiful pattern, branches and thorns but I had never been that person. I was aware Jeongguk was judging me through and through. I was doing that myself, but it was freeing to actually bask in his proximity even if all I did was annoy him as of now.

“Look at you, sunflower. So beautiful in all your artistic glory.” I winked at him.

Oh dear lord, what was I even doing.

Jeongguk’s brows were pinched in evident displeasure but he kept staring at me, his doe-eyes scanning me from head to toe. Multiple times.

“Oh, summer’s already arrived, has it?”

I turned to find Nolan beside me.

“You see, Nolan, art doesn’t unfurl if the artist is restricted. Literally and figuratively.” I sighed, gazing at Jeongguk with a smirk that I realised had him turn away, his cheeks turning slightly pink.

Nolan laughed, nodding along.

“Couldn’t agree more, my friend. I hope you two have a nice session today.”

“Oh, I will.” I mumbled, my eyes stuck on Jeongguk.

“Is this how you dress up for something so formal?” The boy muttered, taking out his brushes.

“Formal? We are here to do art, lovely. Since when did that become formal?”

Jeongguk’s frown was back.

“Please don’t call me that. I have a name and I’ll prefer that.”

“You do have a name. The prettiest name I have ever had the honor of knowing.”

“Vante-ssi, I will not entertain you flirting with me.”

“Flirting?” A gasp ripped out of my throat, a dramatic one at that. “Flirting would have been telling you that your eyes remind me of the prettiest canopy of stars. Flirting would have been had I held your hand right over my heart and made you feel just how my heart leaps when you are closer because swear to heaven and hell, you are the most gorgeous angel that has graced this mortal earth. Flirting would have been letting you know that the moment I saw you all lost in your paints and canvas yesterday, I heard guitars and violins play around me, like they do in the movies. But did I say all of that? No, because I am an artist and a gentleman.”

My heart almost stopped beating when I noticed anger fill Jeongguk’s eyes, the way he clenched his jaws, the way his lips almost pulled up in a snarl. To my absolute horror, I saw him put all his belongings in his bag, getting up.

“I cannot work with you anymore. I’ll ask Nolan and Iseul to change partners, if not, I have no interest in participating in this competition.” Jeongguk gritted, walking away.

Oh no no no no no. I cannot mess this chance up. It was all going fine but I just had to overdo it. God, the urge to whip my own idiot self was so strong right now.

I immediately followed the boy.

“Hey, hey, I am sorry. I really am. The way I am, the way I talk, I have always been this person and people around me used to find it entertaining. So I never realised that I made you uncomfortable. I will behave from now on, I give you my word. Don’t leave, Jeongguk-ssi.”

His face was still morphed into a scowl but atleast he stopped.

“One chance. I will behave, I promise.” I hushed. “If it makes you feel better, I won’t utter a single word near you.”

“Okay, everyone, get comfortable in your positions, we will begin the workshop shortly.” I heard Iseul’s voice boom and the way I had the urge to be a violent shushher was real.

Jeongguk sighed, glare set on me and I managed the decency to look chastised.

“One more word out of the way and I am leaving.” He stated.

“Won’t let you.” I grinned, schooling my expression the moment Jeongguk scoffed. “I meant I won’t give you a chance to complain.”

Jeongguk didn’t dignify me with any response, only moving to sit at his place.

“Can I get a compliment for my look though?” I smiled.

One glare from Jeongguk, and I shut right up.

“Alright, for our first workshop session, we are going to draw still life but with a twist. You’ll go outside and you’ll do still life of things on the street. So, it combines two concepts and we will help you merge them in coherence. You have one and half hours for it. Come back here and let us guide you after.” Nolan gave us a thumbs up, gesturing to go out.

Jeongguk didn’t wait for me, as I was expecting. He straightaway went out, satchel bag on his shoulder as he kept his brushes in it.

“It’s a partnered workshop, Jeongguk-ssi. We have to do this together, you know.” I huffed, catching up to him.

Damn, the boy walked as if he was Flash. Jeongguk ignored me for a bit, his gaze roaming around to find something to sketch.

“Come on, I know the perfect place where we can find something.” I said, gesturing towards the other direction.

“How do you know it?” Jeongguk was skeptic.

“I am living here since forever now, so I know quite a lot, sun flower.”

“Jeongguk. My name is Jeongguk and you better call me that.”

I stopped in my way, turning to look at him. I was aware Jeongguk was just one thread close to leaving if I crossed a boundary, the opportunity that had fallen in my lap wasn’t going to materialize itself. So I walked closer to him, noticing how his eyes widened, how he took a step back. I bent down to pick a cherry blossom from the ground and offered it to him, managing a warm smile. Jeongguk blinked at me and then at the flower, back at me.

“I will, because I like how your name sounds when I say it.” I hushed, staring deep into his eyes. “I will make sure you don’t feel uncomfortable with me, but Jeongguk..” I dropped the formal honorific, moving closer still, tucking the cherry blossom behind his ear. “Get used to being complimented. Get used to feeling cherished because even if we have met only recently, I have realised just how precious you are. And I’ll make you realise that as well everyday.”

I don’t think I had ever been so genuine to anyone as I was right now. I wanted Jeongguk’s trust, I wanted him to lean on me, to consider me as his confidante, as his partner.

I could see clear shock on Jeongguk’s face, his lips slightly parted as he stared at me, clueless.

“Who are you to me?” Jeongguk whispered. “Why would you do that? I don’t need any of that.”

I could see through him. Ofcourse I could. And it had a weary smile come on my face.

“But it is something you want, don’t you?” I mumbled, watching as he parted his lips as if to say something, but then stopped himself, the struggle clear in his eyes. “Our needs and our wants don’t usually align, lovely. And it’s okay to want things you think you cannot have. Because may be if you reach out, you never know, the universe might actually bestow you with it. Give it a chance atleast.”

Jeongguk spluttered, and I could understand why. I knew I wasn’t playing fair, behaving as if I was omniscient because for Jeongguk, Vante was a complete stranger. To have this kind of an insight into his life, it must have thrown him astray. But that was the point. I needed him to feel lost, to unlearn the notions he had set in his head, so I could make him realise that he deserved the world, that he deserved the love he wasn’t ready to accept, so he could learn to love himself again.

“So!” I clapped my hand once, grinning wide. “From now on, we are a team and I’ll make sure you don’t regret a single moment of it. Follow me now, so we can start. You really are a distraction, Jeongguk-ah.”

“I am a distraction?” I heard Jeongguk scoff and as a reply, I winked at him.

It took only two minutes to reach near the small pond at the other side of the park. It was slightly secluded, but since it was daytime, a few people were around so I was glad. Jeongguk wouldn’t feel uncomfortable around me now. This part of the park had always been my favorite. I have always found peace here and I had no qualms sharing this space with the love of my life.   

“This.. this is beautiful.” Jeongguk whispered, looking around.

The pond was surrounded by flowers of different variety, the breeze was cool around us and the fragrance of those flowers had serenity wash all over me. But what made me the happiest was Jeongguk. the boy looked radiant in the sunlight, his lips were stretched in a beautiful smile as he took in the area. I watched him squat down near the pond, his soft hands caressing the equally soft petals.

“You are glowing, sunflower. You should be out more often.”

Jeongguk chose to remain quiet, only reveling in the peace. But the next thing I saw, or rather I heard had my knees weaken.

Jeongguk’s giggle.

He was touching a butterfly, but the moment it fluttered away, I heard the most beautiful sound I had ever known of. Dear God. I would kill or get killed just to hear that sound all my life. It was so soft, the way he laughed, the way his eyes crinkled when he did so, the way his voice got slightly airy. I felt my whole world spin.

I sat beside him on the grass, watching him closely. I had never seen him like this at home. Not even before, when he was himself. The softness in him right now had come with time, the peace in his eyes was earned after life’s reckless play and I wanted nothing more than for this feeling to sustain in him.

“Have you decided what we can draw?” I asked.

“Have you decided that?” Jeongguk raised a brow. “You said yourself, it’s a partnered workshop. I can’t be the only one using brains, even if that is the case here.”

Oh wow.

Jeongguk was sassy and I was loving that side of him the more I witnessed it.

“If it was upto me, I’d draw you.”

“Vante-ssi, do you want me to leave?” Jeongguk glared, his expression was enough for me to know I was close to crossing the boundary.

“Alright, I apologize.” I muttered, looking around.

We sat for a while, just quietly observing the nature. To b e honest, I was content like this. Nothing mattered in this moment. But I brought myself back, we had work to do.

“How about we combine photography and painting?” I suggested after a while.

Jeongguk’s brows were pinched, as if in thought.

“How would that work?”

“Because we are supposed to also include the street element, instead of painting that, we can take a picture and then paint or sketch around that. The theme needs to be decided, but I think it can be done.”

Jeongguk hummed, his gaze moving towards the pond again.

“It will be a novel approach here. I don’t think others will think of that just yet.” Jeongguk said after a while.

I noticed a small smile come on his face, as if extremely content with that thought and something hinted me that the boy was competitive.

“We need a camera for it.” Jeongguk said.

“No, sunflower.” I couldn’t help but lean in closer to him, our faces closer than ever. “What we need is perspective.”

Jeongguk blinked and I could feel the wheels of his head turning.

“Do you have that?” I smirked, knowing it would push him. “If not, we can do something mediocre and-”

“No. We are doing this. Don’t judge me when you don’t even know me.”

The fire in Jeongguk’s eyes, the determination in his voice was something that I had never seen before in him. The usual timidness in him, the docility was nowhere to be seen. Jeongguk was feisty and how. I wanted to kiss him until he couldn’t breathe.

“Is that so? Well, proof or it means nothing.” I winked at him.

At this point, steam might have been coming out of the boy’s ears and nose because of how worked up he seemed. I felt like a nuisance when I realised I was enjoying teasing him so much.

“Tell you what. Go click pictures and in the meanwhile I’ll think of a theme. The picture that matches our theme will be the one.” I said. “It will depend on how good the pictures are though, so work hard for it, Jeonggukie.”

Jeongguk only scoffed, getting up and taking his phone out. He left without saying a word. I couldn’t hold back the chuckle anymore. Fondness washed all over me because Jeongguk was absolutely adorable. I could say that a thousand times and it wouldn’t be enough.

By the time Jeongguk was back, it had already been half hour of the allotted time. I watched as he sat with a huff, immediately offering him water which he readily accepted.

“So? Did my fellow traveller get anything good?”

“You bet your ass I did.”

The gasp that left me was completely involuntary and surprise. He had a foul mouth too when he wanted to. What a package. He shoved his phone towards me and the moment I looked at the pictures he had clicked, my jaws slackened. Dear lord, was this boy a prodigy or something? The pictures were breath-taking. There was a picture of two dogs but it was a silhouette, a back shot in such a way that slight reflection of them was also visible in the water. Jeongguk had angled the camera in a way that it appeared one of the dogs was leaning over the other’s head and the sky looked orangish-yellow; giving a sunset effect.

The other one was that of the road just outside the park, I think. But the wonderful aspect of it was it was taken with the phone angled right over the road, touching the ground so that every grain of the road was visible in the portrait feature. What caught my attention was in the blurred background, there were only feet of people. It started from the area where the camera had focussed and continued further. It was just a picture of people’s feet but the way Jeongguk had taken it said more. I absolutely loved it.

The third picture was of a couple. It was a backshot and Jeongguk had used the bokeh effect, only focussing on their intertwined hands. I felt he had edited the picture because there were few spots of light in there, and the background was dark as night. The picture was pure longing and I could feel all of that from the way Jeongguk’s eyes were zeroed in on their hands.

I wanted to tell him so many things, wanted to tell him to look at me once and all he would find is a love so warm, he wouldn’t feel an ounce of longing. But all I could do was just stare at him, swirling in my own yearning for him. He had taken a few more shots but these three pictures somewhere or the other seemed linked.

“These are splendid, sunflower. You are immensely talented.” I couldn’t stop myself from dousing him in praises because he deserved that and more.

Jeongguk’s cheeks turned pink but he nodded, mumbling a small Thank You. It made me extremely happy that he accepted the compliment instead of playing humble.

“The others are good too, but the first three scream of a similar tangent.”

Jeongguk’s gaze was curiously set on me.

“Hmm.. they seem to be a representation of your deepest emotions, something that you feel deep down in that heart of yours.”

It became silent and I knew why. I had hit the nail on the head and for Jeongguk it was a big deal coming from a stranger.

“The theme.. can be ‘Lonesome company’.” I suggested.

“That’s.. quite oxymoronic.”

“Exactly!” I grinned.

“I like it.” Jeongguk hushed, a content smile coming on his face.

I felt stumped, absolutely lost, defeated. He seemed so bashful at the praise, at the progression, at his little accomplishments, I felt the urge to wrap him in my arms and cherish every part of him.

“Okay, so we need a printout of these images. Also, I thought of what we could paint around these.”

Jeongguk raised a curious brow.

“The background of these pictures will be a painting of two hands, just shy of touching. They would be extremely close but not touching. It will go with our theme.”

“That’s an impressive idea.”

“Well, who was the one to suggest after all.” I winked, grinning at Jeongguk’s glare.

“Don’t get so cocky. I am not even sure of your painting skills yet.”

“Neither am I of yours, sunflower, but do you see me complaining?”

“Stop being inappropriate.”

“I was not!” I gasped dramatically. “I was being a trusting partner if not anything else.”

“I don’t to waste my time arguing. We better get started.”

“Aw, but I like arguing with you. Makes it all interesting.”

“Vante-ssi.”

The warning in his voice was evident so I mimed zipping up my lips as I followed him.

“By the way, how old are you?”

Jeongguk only kept walking, ignoring my presence.

“You know, if we are supposed to work for a month, we should get acquainted.”

“The acquaintance we have made is enough for the competition.” Jeongguk mumbled.

“No, it’s not. I don’t even know your favorite shade yet?”

Jeongguk turned to look at me, tilting his head to the side.

“Shade?”

“Yeah. I think it’s a better question to ask. Favorite color restricts the scope for imagination, don’t you think? A color can have many different shades, just like us. I am more interested in knowing what your favorite shade is, because somewhere, it will speak about you as well.”

Jeongguk stared at me quietly, as if searching my face for something, as of trying to decipher something. I met his gaze dead on because I wanted him to see the depths I had; if not as Taehyung, as Vante.

“Jeongguk-ssi, Vante-ssi, are you done with your painting already?”

We got distracted by Nolan’s voice, and I felt disappointment was all over me. I had finally managed to make Jeongguk intrigued, I could feel that in my gut. But everytime I took steps towards him, interruptions were ready for us.

“Uhm, no. we will begin with it. we were finalizing our theme.” Jeongguk said.

“Oh alright. You only have one and half hours for it.” Nolan smiled, giving us a thumbs up before leaving.

“We should take a bigger canvas since we will be working on one.”

I nodded, moving to get one for us, placing it on the easel.

“I was thinking..” Jeongguk began, nibbling on his lip as he looked at me.

“Do tell me, sunflower.”

“Will you stop with the names, already?” Jeongguk huffed and to my chagrin, he was pouting.

Holy heavens, that pout. He looked so utterly adorable, I had to suppress my urge to squish him.

“No can do, amigo. Now, what were you thinking?”

Jeongguk rolled his eyes and I was loving this side of him.

“I was thinking that you should paint one hand and I will paint the other. That way we will both contribute.”

I hummed, the suggestion wasn’t bad actually. How poetic it would be, now that I gave it a thought. As if they would be our hands, just being close, wanting to touch but not touching yet, yearning. Longing for each other.

“Okay. We can do that. Let me get the base ready first and then you can paint. I will follow afterwards.”

“I will go get the printouts of the pictures. What size should be enough?”

We discussed about the proportions and placements after which Jeongguk left. The smile on my face was wide as I began painting the base. With everyday that passed, I was getting to know about my husband in ways I wouldn’t have been able to if this opportunity hadn’t landed for us. It felt like an adventure, I had never done anything like this before. But if it meant I might have chances to get Jeongguk’s love, I would do all this and more.

“Is this fine?” I was brought back from my thoughts by the lovely voice of my husband.

“They look great.” I smiled, looking at the pictures.

“What we can do is, tear them from between to make it aesthetic. It will match our theme even more.”

“That’s a great idea, sunflower. You do that, my base is almost done.”

Jeongguk seemed satisfied; the soft smile that adorned his face was enough evidence of it. He was so endearing, my heart threatened to fall out of my chest. It took us all the allotted time to finish, but when we looked at the final piece, I couldn’t help but feel pride fill my chest. We had used the three pictures, all of them torn from in between and its circumference touched with the distress ink to give them an aesthetic look. Two pictures were placed equidistant from one another and the third one was in between them slightly higher. It looked beautiful, something I never thought I was capable of doing.

The moment I turned to look at Jeongguk, I found him grinning. It wasn’t a smile, polite or otherwise. It was a full-blown grin, from ear to ear, splitting his face wide and I had not seen him bloom this way after our wedding. He was happy and that realization had all the second thoughts in me vanish. All these efforts seemed to be fruitful just by looking at him revel in his joy.

“I take it that you are satisfied?”

Jeongguk’s grin widened even more at that as he nodded with fervor. God. The way the universe was testing me.

“I cannot wait for Nolan and Iseul’s comments. I am glad that we tried to do something out of the box.” Jeongguk chirped.

“Happiness looks good on you, sunflower. You should smile more.”

“Decency looks good on you. You should be civil more.” Jeongguk sassed, raising a brow as he got up to clean his brushes.

Amusement filled me to the brim. The boy was bratty when he wanted to be. My hormonal mind began running in ten different directions, thoughts of how satisfying it would be to tame his brattiness, to reduce him into a mess, to break him only for me to build him back. But I had to shake myself out of those thoughts. Oh hell. Vante’s personality was merging into me it seemed.

“Is that so? Does that mean you think I look good?” I couldn’t help but smirk when he glared at me.

“That’s literally not one bit of what I said.” Jeongguk rolled his eyes. “Get over yourself.”

“I will if you tell me how old are you. You seem younger to me. How nice it would be to hear you call me hyung in your angelic voice.”

“Vante-ssi. Limits.”

“What? I only want to get to know you better. We are partners.”

“In a painting competition, if I may remind you again.” Jeongguk said calmly. “Let’s keep it that way.”

“Well, no one’s stopping me from telling you about myself. I am 30. So now you know how to address me as.”

“I do address you already in a nice, formal manner.”

“That’s where the problem is, lovely. I don’t want it to be formal.” I smirked, knowing Jeongguk’s face was flushed.

Before we could indulge in further banter, the studio began filling up with other participants and I couldn’t help but let out a sigh. Any amount of time with Jeongguk felt less. It didn’t take long for everyone to be on their seats, waiting for Nolan and Iseul. They arrived soon after, immediately getting to work. Jeongguk and I were sitting in the middle so it would take them some time to come to us. In the meantime, I stared at Jeongguk. it was easier now that we were so close like this, it was easier because Jeongguk was his real self and would not think twice before reprimanding me, or calling me out. Every word that came out of him for me was something I cherished, even if it was a chiding.

“The canvas is in your front, Vante-ssi.”

I was pulled out of my thoughts from Jeongguk’s voice.

“It doesn’t have what can hold my interest for long though.”

“Do you want me to leave? Because you are already on wafer thin ice.” Jeongguk glared.

“You are no fun, fellow traveller. This journey will become unforgettable if you just give our partnership a chance.”

Jeongguk stared, and somehow I could see the words had hot him deeper.

“Sometimes.. chances come with their own costs.” Jeongguk hushed as if to himself. “I have already paid my due. So I’d rather not.”

My heart stung sharply. For a fleeting moment, I couldn’t fathom just what I should do to take away all that pain Jeongguk was engulfed in. I felt helpless because even after doing so much, I could see how much he was struggling, how much his whole being was suffering the impact of those horrible events in his life.

“They do come with their costs, yes, but chances also come with hope, Jeongguk-ssi.” I blurted not even realising what I was saying. “And there is nothing more beautiful than a blooming hope in your heart.”

There was surprise in Jeongguk’s eyes. I didn’t know why. Probably he might have sensed the sincerity in my gaze, in my voice, in my demeanor. I wasn’t sure. But I decided it didn’t matter to me much. All I hoped was for Jeongguk to realise that he deserved everything that he wished for, that his life had only begun, that he could have all the happiness in the world if he only reached out.

I averted my gaze, looking at Nolan who was discussing something with the pair beside us. I could feel Jeongguk’s gaze on me but I chose to not give in to my cravings.

“So, here’s our breezy pair.” I heard Iseul say, turning to look at her.

She was standing beside Jeongguk, looking at our canvas and for a moment, I felt anxiety creep in. we had done our best but these people were extremely proficient in art and I wouldn’t even call myself an amateur with how rusty I was. I bit my lip as I saw Nolan come towards us as well. Damn the critic in him. I knew he would point things out, but well, that was the whole point of this workshop.

“Well, this is something I didn’t expect, if I am being honest.” Iseul said, humming as she took in our work.

“I like the concepts you tried to merge.” Nolan began. “But the painting part needs finishing. I will be honest, the strokes are all over the place and you also need to brush up anatomical sketching.”

Well, it wasn’t something I didn’t expect. But one look at Jeongguk had me know how let down he was feeling. It was evident on his face.

“We are aware. But it was after years that we picked up a brush, Nolan.” I tried to defend.

“That might be the case and I understand. But we are preparing you for the competition and it’s going to be intense. Concept wise, you are superb. But technique wise, you need a lot of work. We are here for that.” Nolan nodded.

“I agree that strokes are unpolished but your sketch isn’t all that bad. Nolan here is a perfectionist, so please don’t get disheartened. Keep it going.” Iseul smiled, patting Jeongguk’s shoulder.

“As he should be. I am certain it will help us improve. Don’t you think, Jeongguk?”

I only received silence. Jeongguk seemed zoned out, staring intensely at the canvas. It was as if he was spiralling in his head, I could feel it. Iseul only nodded before leaving us be, but I couldn’t care less. Every bot of my attention was on the boy who had gotten quiet.

“Jeongguk, it’s okay. This was only practice. We have a long way to go and something in me tells me we will definitely come out the strongest.”

The moment he looked at me, a part of me broke yet again. His eyes were the dullest I had seen, even more than how they were in our wedding. All the glow on his face while he was painting was gone and the only thing I could see was self-doubt and immense gloom.

“Strongest? I don’t think we will even cross the first round after the workshop.” Jeongguk mumbled, averting his gaze outside the window.

I sat still.

This was not what I had aimed for. I was only being a bother even now. Not a single moment had passed when I had seen Jeongguk in his earlier glory. There were glimpses, yes, but Jeongguk was so guarded, I hadn’t managed to break him from his shell. All of that didn’t concern me so much right now, though. The only thing that had me ache was just how sad the boy seemed. Maybe, I was just not right for him, in any form I took.

Maybe, I was only meant to love him from afar.

Maybe, I was trying too hard for a lost cause.

I was aware the smile on my face was sad, surrendered, resigned. But this wasn’t about me. I was content having tried for him. This didn’t mean I would stop, but well, Vante will have to vanish now.

For the rest of the workshop, I didn’t say anything to Jeongguk. At some point, I felt his gaze on me but well, what was the use of this façade when I was about to end it all. When the time was up, I glanced at the boy who was busy in packing his belongings. I wanted to take his hand, match his eyes and just keep looking because I was aware I wont be able to be like this with him now. I didn’t even realise for how long I was staring at him but when he turned to look at me with a frown on his face, I blinked back to reality.

“You have to stop doing that, Vante-ssi.” Jeongguk glared and I couldn’t stop the chuckle that left me.

“Don’t worry, Jeongguk-ssi. I won’t bother you from the next session, because you wont see me at all.”

Jeongguk stared, brows furrowing in confusion.

“I am quite self-aware even if I come across as a buffoon.” I smiled weakly. “For me, this competition doesn’t matter much, if I am being honest, Jeongguk-ssi. From what I have seen till now though, it means much more to you than anyone over here. And my gut tells me you deserve all the glory that would come with this. But I don’t think that would happen with a character like me.”

The laugh that came out of me was hollow.

“I believe you will definitely emerge into a different person by the end of it and even if I wouldn’t be here to witness it, I would be happy for you nonetheless. You.. You are just everything.”

I let Vante express Taehyung’s feelings because well, what other option did I have. Jeongguk was staring unblinkingly at me and the attention had me want to shy away.

“So, Fellow traveller! It’s a long journey for all of us. Maybe, if I am lucky, I’ll meet you in circumstances where I would be the receiving end of your affections.” I winked at him, getting up. “It was nice knowing someone as beautiful as you, sunflower. Adios.”

Before I got tempted to backtrack, I looked at him one last time, wanting to take my fill of him before leaving the studio. For Jeongguk, I had become someone I never even imagined I could be. For Jeongguk, I had broken all of my cocoons and emerged into a person I didn’t recognise myself. But well, sometimes, it wasn’t enough.

I realised that for Jeongguk, I could be anything, and yet all I would ever be was just that. Invisible.

Chapter Text

“Taehyung! Jeongguk is at my workplace, asking for Vante! You gave him my grooming studio’s address, you moron!”

I winced at the loud voice booming on the phone. The weekend had passed after the first session. I had decided I wouldn’t continue this mask anymore, decided to let the universe take its course now. I wasn’t sure if this was a signal, but we were having a situation to deal.

“Whose address could I have given Jimin-ah? He doesn’t know what you do, and your work place is different from your home. It was a perfect plan.”

“But what will you do now? Your Vante outfits are in my studio.”

“Can you ask one of your employees to drop it off at your apartment?”

“I did not sign up for so much stress, oh lord.”

“Don’t be dramatic, Jimin.” I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. “It was your idea in the first place. Take responsibility.”

“Oh, go to hell. Come in fifteen minutes or I am telling Jeongguk everything.”

I chuckled as he hung up. All the way to Jimin’s place, I kept thinking just what might have nudged Jeongguk to come look for me. Or Vante, to be precise. It had me realize that there could be multiple implications of that. Was Jeongguk finally opening his heart to Vante? Did he see the sincerity that Taehyung was trying to portray all this while? If I was being honest, I feared getting churned in between these two personalities. I had embarked on a path I had no idea about. But well, it couldn’t be undone now.

It took me about twenty minutes to reach Jimin’s studio after dressing up. The moment I entered, I saw Jeongguk sitting with a girl, giggling over something she was saying. Oh heavens.

It felt like I was seeing him for the first time again, that bright, glowing ball of energy whose smile, whose laughter could rival the sound of angels. What would I not give to be the reason of these giggles, of the mirth that was shining in his lovely eyes.

“Fellow traveller! What a pleasant surprise.”

Jeongguk turned towards me and for the first time, I saw the smile on his face turn soft. For the first time I saw his eyes smile and then his lips stretch into a grin as he saw me approaching.

Heavens.

Is this how it felt to be at the receiving end of affection? Was I so deprived that just a smile from the boy had me worked up?

But the answer to that was quite simple. It wasn’t just any boy or a random smile. It was Jeongguk. Jeongguk’s smile. Jeongguk’s affection. And that mattered to me more than anything this world could offer.

“What brought you to my humble abode?” I asked, taking the damned lollipop out.

Jeongguk’s eyes took me in from head to toe. I couldn’t blame him again because Jimin was a menace. He had knowingly gotten the wildest outfit just to be petty. I was wearing an overall for crying out loud. He had put my hair in half pony, letting some curls loose on my face. I was looking like a criminal serving sentence if I was being honest.

“You live here?” Jeongguk asked, his eyes narrowing as if calling out on my nonsense.

“Well, it’s still an abode if I own the damn place.” I smirked, raising a brow as I challenged him back.

Surprise was painted on his face. I looked at the girl beside him, who nodded at me giving an encouraging smile. She was one of the mentors Jimin had appointed for me.

“You didn’t tell me what brought you here though.” I said, putting the lollipop back in my mouth as I sat in one of the recliners in front of him.

“You weren’t there today. For the workshop.”

“Was I not clear enough the other day? I told you I won’t be continuing.” I shrugged.

“Why not?” Jeongguk’s voice was soft and his eyes softer.

I felt conscious suddenly. Jeongguk’s expressions were so open with Vante, I felt jealous of my own alter ego. I had never once seen Jeongguk be so expressive, so talkative with me. Politeness was the best that I got out of him and I couldn’t fathom just how to feel about this.

“I realized how boring that is.” I said. “It’s been years since I painted. I was looking for some fun, not all that stress. I am too soft for such pressure, sunflower.”

Jeongguk laughed under his breath and I had to hold my breath to not let out a screech.

“You are soft. Softer than I had imagined.” Jeongguk hummed. “That’s why you chose to withdraw, isn’t it? For me?”

I averted my gaze, letting the silence speak.

“You don’t even know me and yet you are looking out for me. It says a lot about you as a person and I have realised that now.” Jeongguk’s face was split in a gentle smile. “Initially, you came off strong to me, even bratty and spoiled. But I can see how you really are.”

“Can you?”

“You are sweet beneath all that rowdiness you carry around. You are funny even if your sense of humour gets crude sometimes. You are a good friend because you care for others more than you do for yourself.”

I stared blankly at the boy. He was seeing Vante, but he was getting to know Taehyung. I felt caught in the dichotomy of all this.

“And I am charming, so much so, that you flew to me like a moth to flame, sunflower.”

“Will you stop with this unnecessary flirting, hyung? I am trying for us to be friends but I will walk out if you don’t learn how to behave.” Jeongguk glared.

But I hadn’t heard a single word after the soft hyung that had come from his voice.

No No No No No NO.

My hormones threatened to fly off the roof with how aroused I felt just by that one word. I was sceptical about my own perverseness given the circumstances of my bodily reactions towards the boy.

“Hyung?” I smirked, walking close to him. “You are younger to me, then? Isn’t that lovely.”

“That is all you got from what I said?” Jeongguk deadpanned.

“Well, the most important part needs to be highlighted after all.”

“Vante-ssi.”

“No, No, No. Go back to calling me hyung or I am leaving.”

“Quit the drama and come back for the competition. I promise we’ll do better. You just need to give all of you into it.”

“Oh, I have always been ready to give you all of me anyway.”

“That’s it. I am leaving.” Jeongguk huffed, getting up.

I couldn’t hold back my laugh as I held his forearm in a gentle grip, stopping him.

“Alright, I’ll behave.” I assured, even though I didn’t really mean it. “Thanks for seeking me.”

His face turned soft again, smile getting bashful.

“I appreciate the goodness of heart when I see one.” Jeongguk said and I felt my breath getting caught. “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

All I could do was nod at him like a dumb idiot and watch him leave. My heart was beating unbelievably fast. I had witnessed Jeongguk’s old self again even if just a bit and I took a vow to myself. A vow to bring his happiness back. A vow to love him like he deserved.

All the way to Jimin’s place, I couldn’t suppress the smile on my face. In a lot of ways, Jeongguk coming to seek me out was still unbelievable for me, I couldn’t seem to process it. I wasn’t sure just what had nudged him to do that but I wasn’t complaining.

“Someone seems chirpy.” Jimin’s eyes were narrow in suspicion the moment I entered his apartment.

“Do I have a reason not to be?”

I flopped on his couch, my lips seemed to be stretched by a hanger at this point.

“Out with it.” Jimin huffed, joining me as he passed a coke can.

“Did you know love is the most beautiful feeling in this world, Jimin?” I sighed dreamily, my gaze zeroed in on nothing but my mind full of Jeongguk.

“Oh my god, we are at that phase, aren’t we?” Jimin rolled his eyes.

The smile on my face didn’t waver until I received a pillow on my face.

“Don’t be a hater, Jimin-ah.”

“Look at you behaving like Vante.”

“I am Vante.”

“No, you are Taehyung.”

The realization was like a bucket of cold water down my head. In the excitement of the progress I had made, it completely slipped my mind that the progress was not anywhere with Taehyung. With me. It was my alter ego, someone I was pretending to be. Was Jeongguk liking Vante more? Did he feel something towards Vante already? Just the thought of it had a shiver wrack through my body.

What will happen if playing this charade with Jeongguk led to losing my real self? I had wished for him to see Taehyung in his real light, to feel comfortable with him, to maybe love him later someday. But in all this chaos, I had oversight of the fact that Jeongguk wasn’t interacting with Taehyung when he was being his real self. Jeongguk had still no idea what Taehyung was capable to do for him. The boy had a completely different person infront of him and Taehyung’s existence was still invisible to him.

Suddenly, all the joy that I had felt washed away, and what took over my being was fear.

“Tae? What’s wrong?” Jimin’s worry was evident in his voice.

“I am so stupid, Jimin-ah.”

“I am aware. But what of it?”

The glare I directed towards him did nothing to deter him.

“I have moved ahead with a plan without thinking it through, Jimin. Jeongguk has started to think of Vante as his friend, has started to show how he really is to my other self. I have seen him the way he was but not as me, as someone who isn’t me.”

The teasing left Jimin’s face, his gaze turning serious.

“What if the moment I have been waiting for finally happens, but it’s not me who will be at the receiving end of it?”

“It will still be you though.”

“Taehyung and Vante aren’t the same, Jimin. Not in any way. You know it.”

“We are talking about universe’s ploy here, Tae. Yes, it was you who initiated this plan but how it progressed ahead after that was majorly what was meant to happen. You had decided to end it all but Jeongguk was the one to come seek you out. You have to understand it’s a two-way street, my friend. Even the universe makes sure of it.”

“What if it’s Vante who gets the love Taehyung deserves?”

“It will be inherently still you. The superficial skin is different but the human being that Jeongguk is getting to know is still you, Tae. He is getting to understand you better, not anyone else.”

“I think I have taken it too far.” I mumbled, slightly dejected.

“And I think you are over-reacting.” Jimin smiled softly. “I can imagine your fears but you have to trust the process, Tae. The priority here is to make Jeongguk love himself again. We can take care of the rest later on.”

Jimin was right. Ofcourse he was. Even if my fears had lessened, they still remained. The way back to home was self-torturing. I had assurances from Jimin but I couldn’t help but ponder about the what ifs. Jeongguk was not mine, not yet atleast. But the thought of losing him even before had bile rise in my stomach. I had to calm myself down a lot before entering the apartment.

But once I entered, everything in my head seemed to vanish like thin air. Everything came to a standstill the moment I took in my husband’s presence. His back was facing me and I could see the strings of the apron at the small of his back. Color palette was in his hand, brush in another as he seemed engrossed in his painting. But what had me almost choke on my breath was the way he was humming in that angelic voice of his, the way his hips swayed in a gentle manner to the rhythms of his singing. Jeongguk was wearing his usual baggy clothes but the strings of the apron tied around his waist gave me an idea just how holdable it was.

I had to shake myself out of those inappropriate thoughts but Jeongguk managed to trigger parts of me which had always been non-existent. It wasn’t his fault, no. But the intensity of feelings I had come to harbor for the boy was so immense, I found myself helplessly pine for him in ways I had never even dared to imagine.

I cleared my throat to gain his attention, not wanting to startle him by speaking suddenly. When he turned to face me, all I could see were those big, beautiful bambi-eyes. Jeongguk was ethereal, yes, but something about his eyes had me bewitched, it was as if the brightness of Andromeda dimmed infront of the star that was my husband.

“Oh, Taehyung-ssi. When did you come? I am sorry I didn’t realise.”

“Just now. It’s good to be back to our home doused in all this art.” I manged a warm smile.

Jeongguk’s smile was endearingly sheepish.

“I’ll get changed and then prepare the dinner. You should continue.” I offered seeing Jeongguk was clearly in the middle of finishing the painting.

The look on his face had me perplexed slightly. He was blinking at me as if I had said something extremely out of this world, something unbelievable.

“It’s okay, Taehyung-ssi. I’ll do it later.” Jeongguk mumbled, the blankness in his face still persistent.

Sometimes, I wished to read what was going on his head just so I could assure him the way he deserved to.

“No.” I couldn’t help but be firm.

Jeongguk’s eyes widened, his stance getting alarmed. Before he could spiral, I went closer, ignoring the way the boy jolted a bit. I wasn’t certain about the source of this confidence but I didn’t hesitate to hold Jeongguk’s hand in both of mine, our eyes locked on each other. In this moment, I had all of Jeongguk’s attention, all his being.

“Jeongguk-ssi, we are partners. Equals. You don’t ever have to fit in a role.” I said making sure my voice was the gentlest but firm. “You are busy, so I can help with things. I would love to share responsibilities. I mean it.”

Jeongguk seemed frozen, the boy wasn’t even blinking and I wasn’t sure just how to interpret this reaction.

“I might be crossing a line here, but I want you to be yourself, Jeongguk-ssi. This marriage doesn’t have to mean that you lose on your individuality. I won’t be able to forgive myself ever if that happened.”

I panicked the moment I saw tears rolling down Jeongguk’s eyes. I pulled my hands away immediately, not understanding what was the boy thinking, what he was feeling. I never knew emotions could be so complicated.

“Jeongguk-ssi..” My hand had a mind of its own when it almost wiped the tears, but I stopped myself midway.

I was aware of Jeongguk’s gaze on my hand that was still hesitantly in air. Nothing could have me prepared for what happened next though. Jeongguk walked closer to me so his face fit against my hand. Willingly.

This time, it was me who froze. Jeongguk’s cheek was warm against my palm, the best kind of warmth I had ever had the honor of feeling. I wiped the dreaded tears with my thumb, saw Jeongguk’s eyes close and all I wanted to do was wrap him in a comforting embrace. It was unfair just how much the boy had and was still suffering.

“Please don’t cry.” I whispered.

His eyes opened, matching my gaze and I felt something shift in that moment. We were closer than we had ever been, we were breathing each other’s air and the proximity was mind-boggling.

“I told you we can be friends first. So consider me as such, Jeongguk-ssi. Please be comfortable around me. We cannot live our lives walking on eggshells.”

Jeongguk’s nose scrunched as he sniffled and dear lord, I had not seen a more adorable sight. The urge to kiss him silly was immense but I hit myself mentally to even be thinking that. Despite everything in me revolting at the thought of it, I still pulled away, putting some distance between us. My hand felt cold without Jeongguk’s warmth but I fisted it, garnering all my restraints.

“Finish your painting. I’ll prepare the dinner.” I said before leaving him be.

I could sense his eyes on me and the thought had a smile grace my face. I didn’t know just what had pushed Jeongguk to do what he did earlier, but the gratefulness I felt was inexplicable. While preparing dinner, the smile on my lips was persistent, the content my heart felt was unmatched. Little initiatives and efforts from Jeongguk’s side were enough for hope to bloom in me. For now, I was alright with our progress. Atleast we weren’t stuck and stagnant.

It took another fifteen minutes to get prepared with the dinner. Jeongguk came when I was putting the food on the dinner table. He had taken a shower it seemed because his hair was wet and fluffy. He looked gorgeous in that simple tee-shirt and sweatpants he usually wore. I had no clue how could someone pull off such a casual outfit in that beautiful a way. But maybe, it was just Jeongguk’s charm. God, I was a goner for this boy and I couldn’t find myself apologetic for it.

I still had to get used to the fact that Jeongguk sat beside me because the moment he perched, I tensed for a moment even if I was quick to relax. We shared the silence but it was anything but uncomfortable. There was just no need for incessant conversations when our silences spoke volumes. Even if I had always been a condoner of communication, quietude was also something I appreciated.

“I might be late tomorrow.” Jeongguk mentioned after a while.

“Oh?”

Jeongguk nodded, hie pretty eyes meeting mine.

“The workshop is going to be rigorous tomorrow. Is that okay?”

“More than.” I nodded with a smile. “I was thinking of taking up more hours as well. It’s good money and it will help me manage time according to both our schedules. I would like to be home when you are.”

Jeongguk’s cheeks were painted in a faint pink and my heart rushed in my chest. Of all the capabilities I possessed, making Jeongguk blush was the one I considered in highest regard.

The pink on his cheeks rivalled every shade on the color palette for me, the bashfulness of his smile had become my bliss and I hadn’t even known when. The boy was my own paradise and I was reveling every ounce of his being. The good, the bad, every part of Jeongguk was mine to cherish now and I had promised to do just that.

Chapter Text

The day seemed brighter than thousand suns shining.

Walking into the studio, the first thing I was graced with was a smile.

A smile that Taehyung had never been at the receiving end of.

A smile that lit up my husband’s face like citylights shimmering.

A smile that melted my whole being because this was the first time I had seen Jeongguk grin so widely, it split his face in half.

And my god, he was beauty personified when he was happy.

I saw the glimpse of that same Jeongguk I had seen for the first time, the same boyishness, the same charm, the same innocence. I was down bad for the boy and it was getting impossible to garner my restraints around him as Vante. But I realised I didn’t want to. Taehyung was already restraining himself and Jeongguk in some capacities. So, I had to give Vante that scope and space to pull Jeongguk out of that cocoon he was stuck in. This was my chance to go wild with imagination and be someone who could be a safe space for Jeongguk to be himself.

“Welcome back.” Jeongguk’s voice pulled me out of my reveries.

The excitement in his demeanor was palpable; the boy was actually happy seeing me and even if through stealth, the feeling had my heart stutter. To imagine the same thing for Taehyung, to imagine Jeongguk’s face bloom as he greeted me back home, I couldn’t help but smile at the thought.

“Someone seems to be looking forward to me.” I quipped, getting into Vante’s character.

“To the painting session with you.” Jeongguk raised a brow, the warning in those deer-like eyes clear.

“Well, I can think what I want, sunflower. It’s a democracy.”

Jeongguk rolled his eyes, taking out his paints.

“Are you prepared for today? The workshop is going to be all-consuming.” The boy asked.

“What’s to be prepared for?” I shrugged, taking the seat beside him.

“Don’t you feel intimidated or nervous?”

“That’s not in my vocabulary.” I smirked, having no idea just what I was saying if I was being honest.

I saw Jeongguk chuckle under his breath, couldn’t help but notice the small dimple just above the corner of his lips whenever his pursed those pink petals. The moment he grinned, his face looked so similar to a bunny, it triggered my cuteness aggression. How was he so perfect? And how did I get so fortunate to be graced with his companionship, to revel in his proximity?

“Alright, so as far as we have been told, we need to work on our sketching especially anatomical. We were advised to work on techniques so we should ask them to focus on that when it comes to us.” Jeongguk said.

“Mmhmm. Personally, I need to work on my strokes, as Nolan pointed out.” I hummed, earning a nod from the boy.

“It’s good that we know what to do. But what is also important is to acknowledge things we shouldn’t do. What do you think are the mistakes you are prone to usually?”

“I am not sure, sunflower. I haven’t picked up a brush in forever.”

“Well, in the previous sessions, what is it that you realized then?”

“That I am a fortunate bastard to have you around.” I grinned, wiggling my eyebrows like a maniac.

“Hyung, stop!” Jeongguk whined.

I almost froze.

He had whined. With his high-pitched voice. With that pout sitting on his lips. He had whined.

And he had called me hyung again in that whiny voice.

Goddamn it.

I closed my eyes and thought of Jimin puking his guts out when he got shitfaced once, to fight the arousal slowly creeping inside me. The manner in which Jeongguk affected me had me feel pathetic, like I was nothing but a ball of impulsive hormones raging inside.

“Focus, will you? I want to win this thing.” Jeongguk huffed, cleaning his canvas with the brush.

God, even his competitiveness was a turn on for me. Way to go to be a 30-year old. I scoffed at my own self.

“If you are so strung, you wouldn’t win anything, lovely. What we need is to play smarter than everyone. From the previous session, I am certain we are amazing when it comes to concepts and their implementation. So, let’s focus on mastering the techniques one by one.”

“Start with the strokes then and I will begin with the sketching. Then we can interchange.” Jeongguk said, gracing me with what I could understand as an encouraging smile.

I was getting so obsessed with my husband the way I was starting to read the tiniest of his expressions. But I was unapologetic about it. I wanted to be the only one who could see Jeongguk for how he really was and love every facet of his being. I wanted to make him believe that every side of him is lovable, that he could just exist and I would worship him nonetheless.

For the most part, it was Jeongguk guiding me because who was I kidding, I had never painted in my life. But he was in touch with his artistic side, he was passionate when it came to his art and it was inspiring to watch. There was nothing and no one who could make him digress from his canvas, his focus was rock solid and I wondered what were his plans prior to our wedding, or his wedding for that matter.

“Jeongguk-ah, can I ask you something?” I managed, garnering all of my strength.

I only received a hum in response.

“You seem serious about art. Have you been professionally pursuing it?” I made sure to keep it vague yet somehow specific.

I saw his hand still on the canvas for a couple of seconds before he slowly resumed.

“I had planned to.” Jeongguk mumbled after a moment.

“Had? What happened?”

“Life.” He sighed, looking at me then.

His lips were stretched in a smile so weak, his eyes bearing a sadness I could clearly read. My heart felt like a crumpled paper.

“My education is in art; my whole life has revolved around canvases since the time I understood what I wanted with myself.” Jeongguk hushed. “Do you know what is the worst feeling in the world, hyung?”

Every bit of my attention was his.  

“What is it?” I asked, my voice turning soft on its own.

Jeongguk smiled forlornly as he played with the bristles of his brush.

“It’s having to choose between something which taught you what love is and the sole object of your love.”

Dear lord.

He was equally vague in his responses but it wasn’t rocket science for me to understand the implications. Does that mean the person he loved didn’t support his dreams? Why was Jeongguk getting married to him then? Questions swirled in my mind with no way of knowing the reality.

“That’s one hell of a thing to say, fellow traveller.” I tried to lighten his mood, which thankfully worked as he chuckled softly. “But let me tell you, it’s not love if it makes you choose.”

I kept working on my canvas but I could feel Jeongguk’s gaze.

“Sometimes, love comes in different forms, hyung.”

“The forms can be varied, sure, but the essence stays the same, Jeongguk-ah.” I looked at him, turning slightly on the side. “If it doesn’t push you to be your true self, your best, then I am sorry to break it to you, it’s not love. There are no conditions in love, sunflower. Love is empowerment, not a restraint.”

Jeongguk stilled, the words hitting him hard. I wasn’t certain if I was too harsh in being upfront but he needed to re-evaluate his past. If what I was thinking was right, then there were chances that he was gaslighted into thinking his sacrifices were a gauge of his love. Just the thought of it had fury rise within me. People really never appreciated what they were bestowed with.

Jeongguk was quiet after that and I didn’t push him as well. I could see his mind was spinning with thoughts but probably, it was better this way. All I wanted was for him to see that freedom shouldn’t be just on paper. He had all the rights to choose what he wanted from his life and even if someday, that meant his refusal to be with me, it was valid. It would break me in ways irreparable, I would be devastated, but Jeongguk deserved to live his life the way he had envisioned and this belief got even more solidified after what Jeongguk had implied with his past.  

This life of mine would be for Jeongguk, that much I was sure of from the moment I had laid my eyes on him. And now that I was finally getting to show him what love actually meant, I was going to douse him in an enlightened understanding of that emotion altogether.  

†

The atmosphere back home was quieter than usual. Jeongguk was doing his normal routine tasks but he seemed lost in his head. I didn’t think he would be thinking about our conversation from before even still but apparently, he was. What had me slightly on guard was the way his gaze lingered on me. Working together on our respective things had become a normal for us and while we did just that, I felt the boy stealing glances at me from time to time. I didn’t make it obvious that I had noticed because even I got curious as to what he was thinking.

“I want to work as an artist.”

I blinked at my laptop, slowly looking at the boy, slightly taken aback by the suddenness of the statement. Jeongguk’s face was unreadable, but his eyes lacked the usual softness. Today, they swam in hesitation and curiosity as they studied me, as if he wanted to gauge my reactions.

“That’s.. nice. I am glad you figured it out.” I managed a small smile.

There was an inexplicable disbelief in Jeongguk’s eyes at my answer, as if he hadn’t expected that to be my words and it had me frown internally. Just what had happened in his past to make him like this? When he stayed quiet, I went back to my work, my mind reeling with thoughts.

“I said I want to work. Painting. I want to pursue that professionally.” Jeongguk reiterated and I couldn’t help the frown to appear on my face this time.

Jeongguk sounded defensive, he seemed to be wanting to provoke me and I sat helplessly confused. This was the first time he had slightly raised his pitch and as much as I liked the determination on his demeanor, I still sat struck.

“Jeongguk-ssi, I am happy this competition is helping you to find yourself, really. If you want, I can ask around my mutuals because I don’t have any contact with artists personally. I am sure we might get a lead if that’s-”

“You are okay with me wanting to be an artist?” Jeongguk hushed, as if to himself, his face still painted in that same sheer disbelief.

I could understand all this was somewhere related to the talk that we had earlier in the studio and it finally dawned on me that probably, Jeongguk was looking for reassurance. So I kept my work aside before getting up and squatting infront of my husband who just looked at me without blinking.

“That question is secondary, Jeongguk-ssi. The first concern is whether you are ready to be an artist? And if yes, I would be the happiest to be by your side and cheer you on.”

“Why?” Jeongguk whispered, a frown marring his face.

“Because you are your own person.” I smiled softly, holding his hand. “Do you know what is the most precious thing to have, Jeongguk-ssi?”

Jeongguk shook his head, blinking at me with rapt attention.

“Dreams.” I murmured, gently squeezing his hand. “We are nothing if not for our dreams, you know. You are fortunate enough to have one, there are people who can’t even fathom what they want their whole lives.”

I could see those doe-eyes filling with tears and even though I had the urge to wrap him in my embrace and keep him safe from everything, I only garnered every ounce of warmth in me and smiled at him, hoping it would be assuring enough.

“I am one of them, if I am being honest.” I chuckled ruefully. “I know what I am good at, sure, but I never could find out just what fills me a happiness that has you float, you know what I mean?”

Before you, I wished to say.

“So, it makes me happy that you have a dream, Jeongguk-ssi. I will do whatever it takes from my side for you to accomplish it because I know how hollow it feels to not have something to chase after. Contention isn’t always healthy, I guess.”

For the very first time, I saw Jeongguk’s lips stretch into a smile so unbelievably soft, the stars in his eyes shone so bright that I felt grateful to bask in their reflection. I looked down when I felt the boy squeeze my hand back and I couldn’t help the shaky breath that left me. This meant the world to me. I couldn’t have asked for more.

“Thank you.” I heard Jeongguk mutter, his gaze still on me.

“Pleasure’s mine.” I smiled before getting up. “I am done with the work so I’ll go heat the food. Join me once you are done?”

The boy nodded so I left him be. I knew he would need some time on his own to actually let it all absorb. This reaction was a clear indication that the person he was getting married to had wronged Jeongguk in multiple ways. I wondered what made Jeongguk want to marry a guy like that but I decided not to dwell on those thoughts much. What mattered was to let Jeongguk know that this was a safe space for him now, that he could do whatever he wished to.

The dinner was quiet as usual but it was nice the way our hearts were at peace. Jeongguk seemed a lot more relaxed and it had me sag in relief as well. I just hoped my words had helped his troubled mind.

“You remember that dinner I asked about with Jimin and his boyfriend?” I asked after a moment. “Would you like to go tomorrow?”

“Okay.”

“Alright, I’ll let Jimin know. He is already too excited.” I chuckled.

“He really is your childhood friend?” Jeongguk asked and I masked my surprise.

It wasn’t usual for him to ask me much about my life but I wasn’t complaining.

“Yeah. We have been close since we were in kindergarten. So practically all our lives have been entwined.”

“That’s.. nice. It must feel good to have someone so close.”

“It really does. But hey, give Jimin a chance and he would be just as close to you, I know it. Time isn’t the bar with Jimin, you know. He is inherently a warm person. He has more maternal instincts than what his own mother had.”

Jeongguk smiled hearing that.

“He sounds like a really nice person to be around.”

“He is, so is Yoongi hyung. He might seem colder but he is a big ball of fluff inside.”

“Is there anything I should know before meeting them? I don’t want to behave out of line.”

I frowned. Why would he say such a thing?

“Uhm, there is no such thing as behaving out of line, Jeongguk-ssi. We are having a get-together with friends. You don’t have to be someone you are not. It’s for us to relax and have fun.”

“Oh.” Was the only thing he whispered, nodding to himself.

It perplexed me. I didn’t want to assume about his past but the thoughts just kept bothering me. His previous partner seemed toxic to me, but I was in no position to judge Jeongguk’s choice because I literally had no context.

“Were you ever made to feel that way, Jeongguk-ssi?” Caution laced my voice. “As if you’d behave out of line around people?”

Jeongguk tensed momentarily before looking at me.

“Yapping has been a part of my personality before, Taehyung-ssi. I am glad I had people around to let me know when I needed to control myself.”   

The words didn’t seem his, neither was the conviction true in his voice. Something cracked in my chest.

“When you are around your trusted circle, there is no such thing as a social protocol, Jeongguk-ssi.” I hoped I was firm enough. “You trust them because you know they will never judge you. Even if you get drunk and dance on the table. That’s what the people who love you do.”

“Everyone has a threshold though. We cannot be so reckless all the time.”

“Agreed, but what is even life if not for a little recklessness sometimes, hm?” I smiled, as gentle as I could, patting his hand. “What we need is to be around people who love us for us. That’s all we need, you know. Validation.”

Jeongguk stared at me in the same manner as he had back in the studio, got quiet just like before. If these were revelations for him, it broke my heart to think that he was made to believe he was anything but perfect.

“It’s not too much to ask for.” I hushed, squeezing his hand once. “You deserve to seek your happiness, to be who you really are and be loved for that.”

There was nothing much left to say, so I smiled at him warmly before taking both our plates and keeping it in the sink.

“Good night, Jeongguk-ssi. Rest well.”

The boy managed a nod, his gaze still set on me singularly. Instead of making me conscious, I began revelling in his stares. He might have been trying to search for something in me, in my words, in my eyes and I let him. I had nothing to hide. Instead, I wanted him to see the love I was brimming with for him. It wouldn’t be too hard for him to notice because I wasn’t trying to conceal at this point. But all I hoped for was for him to find himself back. And with every word, every sentence, every emotion that I would thread, I would make sure he unfurls the truest essence of love that he wasn’t graced with up until now.

†

“Alright, amigos. It’s almost the end of the workshop and the competition will be commencing in two days.”

I felt Jeongguk clench and unclench his fist beside me and I hid my smile behind my fist. The competitiveness in him was endearing too. Just how pathetic had I become to be so weak?

“In this week-long workshop, you were given training sessions to better your techniques and widen the horizons of your creativity. I am hoping you’ll apply what you were taught.” Nolan smiled, giving us a thumbs up.

“As informed earlier, you will be judged on two themes in the first round. For the first theme, we have decided to keep it slightly tricky yet doable. You will have to come with an artistic novelty.” Iseul smiled cheekily and I was already dreading it.

“What she means by it is that you will have to merge your own style with the ones already present. Take any, Renaissance, Baroque, Modern, whatever you wish to. But give it your own touch, a novelty that means something to you.” Nolan spoke.

Jeongguk looked at me, as intimidated as I was, the only difference being I had mastered the art of a poker face.

“We decided to let you know now as we want you to discuss the details with your partner, come up with a solid plan as to how you’d move ahead with your idea.” Nolan added further.

“Don’t worry too much. Just keep it simple yet impactful.” Iseul smiled. “For today’s workshop, we will be focussing on knife painting technique.”

Everyone around got busy in their chatter. I looked at Jeongguk who was nibbling on his lip and I could see the wheels in his head already moving. The boy was relentless, truly.

“What’s going on your pretty head, sunflower?” I tugged the hoop that Jeongguk was wearing in his ear with my pinkie finger to gain his attention.

I snickered when Jeongguk glared at me with that adorable pout of his.

“This is going to be difficult. How can we possible match anything from those periods?” Jeongguk mumbled.

“Well, we’ll think of something. Say, would you want to go for some refreshments while we discuss the theme?” I suggested.

Jeongguk’s eyes stayed on me for a good moment, as if gauging something, as if contemplating. It was understandable. Vante was a complete stranger to him and knowing how cautious Jeongguk was, I expected a rejection if I was being honest.

“I can stay for half hour more after the workshop.” Jeongguk said after a while, his eyes on the canvas.

It came as a surprise. Something ugly settled in my chest momentarily but I suppressed it in favour of smiling at him.

“Great! I know amazing spots around here.”

“It doesn’t matter. The place should be good enough so we can discuss the theme properly.” Jeongguk shrugged.

Ah, always to the point, this boy.

“It’s about the whole ambience, sunflower. Live a little, will you?”

“I am surrounded by the thing I want to do the most. Trust me, I am living the best way I could have.” Jeongguk muttered.

Even if the reason was art, I still felt relief wash all over me. Jeongguk was happy in atleast one aspect of his life. Just one look at him was enough to know he revelled in his paints and canvases. I was glad he had decided to pursue it professionally. That independence was long due.

After the workshop, I brought him to one of the coziest cafes in the neighbourhood. It was a quaint place, with interiors resembling an art gallery. The best part was that it had a decorated lush outdoor space. There was an indoor miniature pond around which they had seating placed. Lamps were decorated in the form of a canopy above us and the whole setup had a calming atmosphere. Jeongguk was looking around, taking in the place. I was attentive towards every expression on his face and I sagged in content the moment I saw a small smile on him.

“Good afternoon, gentleman. Have you decided where you’d perch?”

I looked back to find the manager, smiling at us politely before bowing. Jeongguk and I shared a gaze, and I silently asked the boy of his preference.

“Uhm, we would like to sit by the pond.” Jeongguk said, looking at me then.

“Very well. Please come.” The man said as he gestured us towards the table.

“It’s fine, I can take it from here. Please send someone to take our orders after a few minutes.” I told the manager when he was about to pull a chair for Jeongguk.

I could feel Jeongguk’s gaze on me, surprise evident in his expressive eyes. I didn’t know why I did that. Maybe, I wanted to be the one to do even the littlest of things for Jeongguk. I couldn’t be certain as to what it was, but taking care of him had become the highest form of hedonism for me.

“Do the honors, lovely.” I grinned, pulling a chair for him.

Jeongguk rolled his eyes but the smile on his face was tender and it flipped my heart hundred different ways.

“Who knew you had it in you to behave so gentlemanly?” Jeongguk quipped.

“Ah, the world only believes in what they see. No one cares to unravel the layers.” I sighed, feigning disappointment. “Maybe I am my best version when someone who is worth that facet of me is by my side.”

Jeongguk seemed tongue-tied, clearing his throat as he checked the menu.

“You should be a gentleman regardless of the company, Vante-ssi.” The boy said after a moment.

“No, we are not going back to that abhorred Vante-ssi again. Call me hyung, Jeongguk-ah, come on.” I surprised myself when I realised I had just whined.

He burst out in little giggles and oh.

Oh, my heart.

My stomach swooped and my heart threatened to burst into flames at that sound. Oh, how envy painted every inch of my being; envious of my own self, of Vante who was at the receiving end of this mirth. While Taehyung craved and craved, Vante marvelled and even if that pinched me in a way, I garnered all my strength and embraced optimism.

“This is a really nice place.” Jeongguk sighed as he looked around after we placed orders. “There is a certain calm to it.”

He had his eyes closed, basking in the quietude around us and I was glad that we had come in the afternoon when it wasn’t overcrowded.

“Have you not explored Seoul yet?” I asked, watching him closely.

As expected, he tensed for a moment but was quick to regain his composure.

“It hasn’t been long since I moved here.” Was the only thing he said.

I could have pried but I decided not to. Vante wasn’t here to torture him, he was here to make him forget of the miseries he was surrounded by. Vante was all for making Jeongguk laugh and smile and giggle just the way he had a moment back.

“Well, lucky for you your partner possesses capabilities to be your partner in crime as well.” I wiggled my eyebrows. “I know a lot of such places.”

“You don’t seem like a homebody at all, so I can believe that.” Jeongguk chuckled.

“Oh, I can be a homebody given I have another body at home with me.” I smirked for the face value of it but wanted to die because of how cringey it sounded even to me.

God, I hated Vante sometimes.

“You are the worst, really.” Jeongguk scrunched his nose, but the way he giggled behind his palm had me feel accomplished.

“At least I am honest, sunflower.”

“Ever heard of brain to mouth filter?” Jeongguk raised a brow.

“With you? No. I feel I can be myself with you.”

I could see him get taken aback the way he kept staring at me. There was something the boy searched for constantly. Whether it was assurance, genuineness or dilemma, I wasn’t sure but I never averted my gaze. Eyes do tell, after all and if he just paid attention, he would find an ocean of love all for him both in Vante and Taehyung.

“Is it that easy to trust a stranger?” Jeongguk asked and I could see the struggle in those beautiful doe eyes.

“The heart knows, Jeongguk-ah.” I smiled softly, leaning forward as I cupped his hand on the table with mine.

I was being intrepid; I knew but I couldn’t help it.

“The very first day I met you, everything in me screamed of your innocence and good heart. You are a lovely person and I trust my gut when it hints at something.”

That same search was shining in his eyes yet again and I only squeezed his hand gently before leaning back. Our orders arrived, diverting our attention but I could feel Jeongguk stealing glances at me from time to time and it had me smile.

“Alright, so what can we do about the theme?” Jeongguk asked as we began digging in.

“I am not sure, yet. But we are not doing anything abstract.”

“Why?”

“Mostly everyone will try that because it’s comparatively doable. I heard a few people after the workshop and they were inclined towards the free styles more.” I shrugged.

“Were you eavesdropping?”

“I was observing.”

“Oh my god.” Jeongguk chuckled, making me grin wide.

“Accept it or not, Jeongguk-ah, I am an asset.” I winked at him.

“A menace is what you are.”

“A menace that saved your ass, if I may.”

Jeongguk rolled his eyes again and I was enjoying this side of him a bit too much.

“What can we do then?”

“Well, what if we pick renaissance and add our own touch to it?” I suggested.

“Renaissance?” Jeongguk’s eyes widened; I couldn’t stop smiling at how much he resembled a rabbit.

“The Creation of Adam to be precise.”

“Hyung, are you out of your mind?” Jeongguk almost squeaked. “No one can even dare touch what Michelangelo managed to accomplish with his frescoes. We can get cancelled just for thinking about it.”

“Since when is art monopolised?” I raised a brow. “I mean, yes, the art of that period or any period around it is a masterpiece but no one said we cannot get inspired from it and recreate our own masterpiece.”

Jeongguk’s lips were pressed in a line, and I could see his mind was racing.

“Are we to recreate the whole thing?” the boy asked.

“Ofcourse not. We’ll take a part of it which would be enough to represent it.”

“Tell me more.”

The smirk on my face was winning.

Chapter Text

“Tell me exactly when are you going to arrive, Taehyung.”

I rolled my eyes for the millionth time. Jimin’s excitement was unbeatable. The moment I had informed him of Jeongguk’s assent to the dinner, the guy had been hyperactive. In a day’s time, the number of times he had called me had me want to switch my phone off. But well, if Jimin’s excitement was infectious, his anger was downright dangerous. So I refrained from doing so.

“I am still getting ready, Jiminie. Jeongguk is too. Will you calm down?”

“Calm down? Do you even have any idea how important this is for me? Everything needs to be perfect. I am aspiring to be Jeongguk’s best friend.”

“Some traitor you are, you moron.” I mumbled, but my heart was full knowing Jimin cared so much to be close to Jeongguk.

“He seems more fun than you anyway.” I heard Jimin scoff, and I didn’t have to see him to know he had a cheeky smile on his face.

“That he sure is, once he starts being himself.” I sighed, sitting on the chair in front of my dressing. “He has started opening up slightly to Vante so I am hopeful.”

“You don’t sound so happy about it.” 

“I don’t know, Jimin. The fear that I shared with you keeps eating me from within.”

“You really are overthinking, Tae. I mean I do understand your fears but there is no point in imagining things which might not happen, you know. Right now, our only focus should be to heal that boy.”

“Yeah.”

“Stop thinking about all that and tell me when you guys would arrive. I still need to prepare dessert.” Jimin huffed.

“Another twenty minutes. And don’t fret so much.”

“Who said I will be the one doing the work.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle.

“Sometimes, I feel bad for Yoongi hyung.”

“I am an absolute delight of a boyfriend. Am I not, Yoongi?”

“Yes, dear.” I heard Yoongi’s voice from behind and it had me laugh.

“Alright, hang up, so we can get ready and leave if you want us to be there soon.” I said before cutting the call.

I sprayed some cologne, taking a glance at myself once before leaving the room. Jeongguk was still inside, so I decided to check some work mails. In responding to them and having a discussion in the online group, I didn’t realise the sound of footsteps. I should have. Because-

“Uhm, Taehyung-ssi? We can leave, I am done.”

I hummed, sending the last message saying I’ll be unavailable until tomorrow, before closing the laptop and getting up. But the moment my eyes landed on my husband, the phone dropped from my hand. Thank heavens, it landed on the couch itself but I knew I had embarrassed myself already. No force could have blamed me though.

Because there stood Jeongguk, donned in a carmine V-neck shirt, paired with black trousers. The shirt was frilly from the neckline and my jaw slackened a bit at how unreally ethereal the boy was. His hair was longer now than what it was the first time I had seen him and he had put it in half pony, few bangs falling on his forehead while the rest of his hair fell loose over his nape.

Oh lord. Oh dear lord.

I was aware I was staring unblinkingly at him and I wanted to avert my eyes but in what universe was that possible when a boy as angelic as him was bestowed to me as my husband. I could have dropped to my knees and worshipped the ground that he walked on, I was so incandescently in love with him at this point.

“Taehyung-ssi?” Jeongguk’s voice rang in my ears even if it was hushed.

I couldn’t stop looking at him. Holy hell, it was as if my body had defied me, all of my nerves and my brain had completely gone treacherous. But garnering all of my strengths, I finally cleared my throat, turning to awkwardly pick up my phone which again slipped out of my grasp as my hands were shaky. Great.

“Uh, yeah.” Honest to god, my voice cracked and I wanted the earth to swallow me. “I’ll.. just come. You can wait outside.”

I managed a smile which might as well have been more of a grimace before rushing towards the kitchen. I emptied two glasses of water with how parched I suddenly felt. To my chagrin, I realised I was unbelievably desirous for that boy, so much so that I felt hot all over. I knew my face was slightly flushed and the worst part was that my pants felt uncomfortable. What was this reaction? Just how had my body started misbehaving to this extent? How could Jeongguk affect me so much?

I had no answers but all of my solutions were wrapped in just one name. Jeongguk.

It took me around ten long minutes and multiple failed attempts at thinking of sky and birds to clear my hormone-clouded head, after which I finally went out. Jeongguk was in the garden, his gaze stuck at the moon. I had never seen anyone shine brighter than the moon itself under moonlight but here I was, staring at my husband who had personified love for me. I locked the door, and went to take the car out straightaway. Any further glance at Jeongguk might turn dangerous for my sanity; both emotional and physical.

Once we were on the road, I felt myself gradually calm down but it was short-lived because I could sense Jeongguk’s gaze from time to time. I wished to know just what he searched for so ardently, both in me and in Vante. His eyes shone with yearning, curiosity, scepticism, so may shades of emotions, I found myself incapable of deciphering them.

“You.. Uhm, you are looking really nice, Jeongguk-ssi.” I hushed by the time we were almost near Jimin’s home.

He was quiet, still looking at me for a few seconds before nodding once in acknowledgement.

“Thank you.”

“We are here.” I said, parking the car.

Before I could open the door for him, he got out, standing near the boundary wall. Way to go to be romantic.

With a single ring of the doorbell, Jimin was opening the door with a grin that lit up his whole face, followed by Yoongi.

“Finally! I thought you two would ditch me.” Jimin pouted and I rolled my eyes internally at the dramatics. “Welcome, Jeongguk. I am so glad you are here tonight.”  

My eyes widened at the informality and when Jimin embraced Jeongguk. It was clearly unexpected because I saw Jeongguk go awkward. I was about to intervene when Jeongguk hugged Jimin back and I shared a look with Yoongi hyung, who only nodded with a reassuring smile.

“Come in, please.” Jimin smiled, taking his hand and pulling him inside gently. “You look breathtaking, Jeongguk.”

I bit back a smile at the pink spreading over Jeongguk’s adorable face at the compliment. I wanted to be the reason for that blush someday. Never wished for anything more.

“Thank you, Jimin-ssi.”

“Please call me Jimin, or hyung is fine too. Let’s try and be friends, okay, Jeongguk-ah?”

Jimin had a way of spreading warmth, he could instil confidence and trust because of how genuine he was so it wasn’t surprising when I noticed Jeongguk’s body relax a bit as he nodded with a small smile.

“You have a cozy home.” Jeongguk complimented and I chuckled at the way Jimin beamed.

“Thanks. It takes a good eye to make a house your home. You wouldn’t know, would you, Yoongi hyung?” Jimin raised a brow at his boyfriend.

“Why wouldn’t I? I got you, didn't I?” Yoongi smirked.

It was those rare moments when I saw Jimin tongue-tied, his face flushed as he huffed. They were endearing together.

“Hi, Jeongguk. I am Min Yoongi. It’s nice to finally meet you.” Yoongi smiled softly, extending his hand.

Seeing him slowly get comfortable with them had me sigh in relief.

“I have been pestering Taehyung since so long to bring you for dinner, but the moron just conveniently ignores me when he wants to.” Jimin complained as we perched in the living room.

“He mentioned it, but I have been slightly engrossed in the painting competition. I am sorry to keep you waiting.” Jeongguk said, looking at me once.

“Oh yeah, how is that going? Are you enjoying it?” Jimin asked, as if he didn’t have the exact idea of how it was going.

“I am. It’s.. therapeutic.” Jeongguk’s smile was soft, sheepish and it had all of my protective instincts rise yet again.

“Oh, it is. Any form of art tends to be utterly soothing. I know it because I see Yoongi hyung revel in his art too.” Jimin grinned.

“Does Yoongi-ssi paint as well?”

“Nah, I am a music producer. I work independently as of now.” Yoongi let him know.

“He is being humble. He is actually really good. I am not sure if you have heard Amygdala but that was all Yoongi hyung.” I told him.

“Y-You are August-D?” Jeongguk almost squeaked, his eyes resembling saucers and it had all of us chuckle.

“Well, that’s me.” Yoongi smiled sheepishly.

“Oh my god, I am sitting with August-D?” Jeongguk murmured more to himself.

I sat amused. It was the first time I was seeing an emotion so strong in him.

“You have been my comfort artist since so long. Every song that you make has helped me whenever life seemed too much. I.. I am so glad to have met you.” Jeongguk seemed awed.

Yoongi’s gaze turned even softer than before. I couldn’t even blame him. Jeongguk’s aura was as such. He could turn rocks into rivers.

“It takes a genuine audience for a genuine artist to survive. I am happy my music is reaching people like you who can appreciate the efforts.”
Yoongi said, nodding at him once.

“I can’t believe I am having conversations with August-D.” Jeongguk chuckled quietly.

“Stop saying my stage name, god. It’s embarrassing.” Yoongi groaned and my heart settled when I heard Jeongguk giggle again.

“Well, not that I am against you fanboying, but I feel attention deprived.” Jimin huffed.

Jeongguk’s giggles turned into a soft laughter, making me ascend to another plane. The boy was so bright and jolly when he was surrounded by people he liked. It had a bitter taste rise in my mouth. The implications of it were frustrating. I had never seen this side of Jeongguk at home. He was starting to get equally expressive with Vante as well and in all this, the only one who was at a disadvantage was Taehyung. My heart ached. Will it be always this way? Will I ever be visible to Jeongguk? Will he ever learn to accept me as Taehyung?

I must have zoned out because the next moment, I was being dragged by Jimin. I didn’t even get a hold of myself before being shoved inside the kitchen.

“What are you doing?” I hissed.

“What are you doing?” Jimin raised a brow. “For the first time, your resting bitch face was nowhere to be seen with how sad you seemed back there. Jeongguk also noticed even if he didn’t show it, you idiot.”

“Oh. I.. It wasn’t like that.”

“Really, Tae? You think you can lie to me?”

“What do you want me to say, Jimin-ah? It’s pathetic enough to feel these emotions already. I cannot be verbose about it on top of that.”

Jimin’s stance softened but his gaze stayed unwavering.

“What’s wrong? Tell me, come on.”

I let out a deep sigh, resting my forearms over the counter as I leaned ahead, my head ducked down.

“I just.. he has never been like this around me. All that I have the fortune of witnessing is a smile at best. And I am not complaining, trust me, but it’s with others that I get to know how Jeongguk’s laughter sounds like, how he actually is. It’s.. it hurts my heart, Jimin. It hurts so much.”

My voice cracked, suddenly feeling overwhelmed. I felt my eyes burn because of the sheer yearning in my heart.

“Oh, Tae.” Jimin whispered and I felt him wrap me in a hug from the side. “I cannot even imagine your situation, but we have to be patient. From what I am seeing, he seems much better than before. If you keep up the efforts, there is no way he wont notice them.”

“Even if he would, those efforts will be of Vante, Jimin. Where does Taehyung fit into all this? Will he ever see me for me?”

“Vante isn’t in your home, Tae. You are. How you are at home with him is what would make the difference. What he needs right now is a companion who is a friend, someone who is emotionally available, someone who cares for him but without any terms and conditions. You are already doing that for him. have some faith in yourself and time. He will see you for you and he will fall hard. I just know it.”   

“Falling in love was supposed to be dreamy. But with every day that passes, love hollows me.”

“It doesn’t hollow you, Tae. It’s making space for the unmatched happiness that you will eventually feel.”

†

I stood staring.

Jimin was in the kitchen reheating the dishes while I decided to come out to keep Jeongguk company, but it seemed like it wasn’t necessary.

Since the day we had gotten married, I saw Jeongguk laughing his heart out for the first time. With Yoongi.

I stood staring in surprise at my own pettiness, the not-so-subtle envy that I felt. I wasn’t the reason of that angelic sound of my own husband. Someone else was; and as happy as I was that Jeongguk felt comfortable enough to be himself even if just a bit, I was overcome by immense jealousy that I didn’t think I was capable of feeling.

Yoongi was sharing some anecdote, ever the man of engrossing stories but all I could focus on was my husband’s twinkling eyes, mirth swimming on his face, the way his voice seemed lighter than usual, relaxed and breezy. Keeping aside my newly emerged pettier side, deep down I felt an intense relief settling down. When Mr. jeon had given Jeongguk’s hand in mine, when he had, in a way, given away Jeongguk to me, the only thought and wish I had was to somehow bring joy to the boy whose whole being now only dwelled in gloom. Even if I wasn’t the reason behind his smile, I was glad he was learning to embrace glee again.

“How is it going, if I may ask?” I heard Yoongi ask.

I didn’t mean to but I hid behind the hallway wall because if I would have joined them, I was certain Jeongguk wouldn’t be as truthful. As much as it hurt to think that way, it was what it was.

“Fine. I am all into this competition right now.” Jeongguk was saying.

“That’s great. But what about your equation with Taehyung? I don’t mean to be intrusive, just concerned.” Yoongi said.

Silence prevailed. And my heart shattered yet again.

“He is very considerate. So, I am grateful.” Jeongguk hushed after what felt like ages.

“Taehyung is one of the most genuine people I have ever come across. I am not saying it because he is my friend as well or sharing a biased opinion. That guy doesn’t seem real to me at times with just how selfless he is.”

I felt my face get hot.

“Can I ask something?” Jeongguk said and my heart raced, stomach churning.

“Sure.”

“Why didn’t he marry until now?”

I was happy he was curious about me but I wished he would talk to me about his curiosities regarding my life. But then, it was also true that trust is earned and maybe, I hadn’t yet.

“To be honest, he never seemed interested in it, neither in having a partner. But Jimin seems to think it’s because no one ever cared enough to actually understand Taehyung and I can see why he says that.”

“What do you mean?”

“Taehyung learnt to be independent since very early on. He didn’t have anyone to lean on except Jimin and even if he felt the need of someone who would take away his loneliness, he never acknowledged it. He is quiet, you know and his ways of showing care are also like him. Not everyone appreciates that so he restrained himself from opening up to people altogether.”  

“That.. sounds sad and lonely.”

“Not sad, but lonely, yeah.” Yoongi mumbled. “He has been content with his life but now I can see that changing.”

My heartbeat raced yet again.

“It’s after marrying you, I see him wanting to do better, to be better. I see an aspiration which was somewhere suppressed in him and it makes us really happy. Taehyung and you both deserve to be happy.”

I didn’t know about me, but Jeongguk definitely did.

I decided it was enough listening, as I started feeling like an intruder. So I approached them, making my presence known. I was prepared to see Jeongguk tensing or getting on guard when I came closer but all I found was his gaze quietly set on me, that same search in his eyes. he didn’t say anything but his eyes were expressing enough. whatever Yoongi had said had made him think, had made him sceptical about what he should believe and what he shouldn’t. I could see that struggle in him time and again and even if I wanted to help, this was something he needed to fight on his own.

“Everything alright in there?” Yoongi asked.

“Yeah. He is just garnishing the dessert.”

“Oh? I’ll just go see nonetheless.” Yoongi said, smiling before he left.

It became slightly awkward when it was just the two of us. At times like these, I absolutely abhorred my anxiety. When I looked at the boy, I found his gaze already on me, quiet, gauging, curious all at once.

“I see you clicked well with Yoongi hyung.” I cleared my throat, gulping a lump.

Jeongguk hummed, nodding as he finally averted his gaze.

“He seems really nice. I might have been fanboying a bit too much, I think.” He chuckled softly.

“He deserves the hype.”

“Yeah. His music really did help me out through some trying times. I look up to his art.” Jeongguk said.

“Once he sees your art, I think he would be equally impressed.” I smiled warmly. “You are so dedicated towards it, anyone around you can see how good you have become because of your persistence.”

Jeongguk’s smile was slightly shy and my heart thumped in my chest realizing Jeongguk’s affinity for praise. Oh god. Just how endearing could he get.

“Guys, the dinner’s ready. Come on.” Jimin came in after a moment.

“Wow.. everything looks amazing, Jimin-ssi.” Jeongguk complimented when we reached the dining room. “You made all of this?”

“Yoongi and I both did.” Jimin grinned, gesturing us to sit. “Cooking together is our way of spending some quality time.”

Oh, how I yearned.

“That’s really nice.” Jeongguk mumbled quietly. “How long have you been together, if I may ask?”

“Dated for a year, boyfriends since two.” Yoongi let him know.

“That seems like a fairly long time.”

“It is, isn’t it?” Jimin chuckled, nodding. “Doesn’t feel like it though.”

The way Jimin and Yoongi adored each other, the sheer love in their eyes was so beautifully hopeful to see. When I glanced at Jeongguk, all I found was quiet yearning. Every thread of my being wanted to comfort him; I could see he probably missed the person he was in love with. I ached to hold that place in his life. I ached to make him mine, because I was all his from the moment he had come in front my eyes anyway. I ached for him. All of him.  

Chapter Text

Jeongguk was a ball of nerves.

So was I if I was being honest. It was finally the initiation of the competition and everywhere I looked around, people were in their own bustle, murmuring with their partners about whatever they might have planned.

I had been confident while we were discussing and the techniques we were going to use were something both Jeongguk and I had practiced quite a lot. What he didn’t know was that I had even practiced in my room every night after we would retire. Jeongguk’s skills were better polished than mine which was obvious given how inactive I had been all my life when it came to art. So, I had literally burned the midnight oil only because I didn’t want to let Jeongguk down. He was hopeful for this competition and if not anything, I definitely could give him that.

“Relax, sunflower. You’ll make your lip bleed if you keep on biting it like that.” I said, trying to push my own anxiety back.

“Don’t you think we have chosen something too difficult for the first round?” Jeongguk hushed.

“It’s not difficult, just slightly tricky. And we have practiced enough. Trust your skills, okay? I am depending a lot on you because you know how awful I can be.”

That made him laugh softly.

“Self-deprecation doesn’t suit you, Vante-ssi.”

“Again with that abhorring formality?” I rolled my eyes. “It’s like one step ahead and twice back with you, seriously.”

Jeongguk only shrugged with such a sassy expression on his face, I stared. I never knew my capabilities to be endeared by someone's sass. But well, if that someone was Jeon Jeongguk, could I even be blamed?

“Alright, guys. I would like your attention now, please.” Nolan’s voice cut through the soft chatter. “We are finally beginning with our competition. I hope you and your partners are ready to paint Seoul in colors it has never witnessed before. Go wild with it and have fun.”

The room echoed with cheers and claps.

“This round will be of two hours. So you have more than enough time to plan and execute your idea.” Iseul smiled in encouragement. “And with that, please begin.”

“Let’s get it.” Jeongguk mumbled, more to himself and it had me laugh at how adorable he was.

The smile on my face stayed the whole time. It didn’t really matter to me what the result would be. What I was grateful and happy about was the company I had. Jeongguk, like this, beside me, nothing mattered more to me than this.

“I’ll paint the base black so it can dry off. And I think you should do the sketching part. You are better at it.” I suggested.

“Okay. Let’s decide on the color mix for the northern lights effect.”

We didn’t realise when we shifted from discussion to finally painting. I was glad we had chosen oil painting as I was more comfortable doing that. Thankfully, Jeongguk was comfortable with it as well. I couldn’t help but feel content when I realised how confident my brush strokes were. After years of not paying any attention to that side of mine, painting really felt therapeutic. I could see why Jeongguk had said that. The whole pressure of competition somewhere vanished for me. I was happy just doing it in the first place.

My attention was on the canvas, yes, but I was more interested in Jeongguk. I saw how observant the boy was given how masterfully he was implementing the knowledge that we were given during the workshop, smartly combining it with his own. For some reason, I was certain he would create magic by the time we would finally be done.

Time flows when you are engrossed in something you love doing. For Jeongguk, it was painting, and for me, it was watching Jeongguk revel in art. We didn’t even realise when the minutes ticked by and as we were moving closer to finishing it, I couldn’t help but feel slightly blue. Staying here with Jeongguk had become the highlight of my day. I actually looked forward to it more than anything. But well, if not Vante, I’ll still get Jeongguk at home. For that reason, I couldn’t help but smile.

It wasn’t long before we heard the ringing of the timer indicating the end of the competition. I kept everything away, taking a deep breath as I looked at our canvas. It wasn’t to boast, but it looked beautifully done. I was hopeful after seeing how well we had managed to accomplish what we had thought. If not for anything else, I was sure we’d be appreciated for the uniqueness of our painting.

“So, are you satisfied, little Van Gogh?” I asked, turning towards Jeongguk.

What I saw on his face was a full-blown grin, wide and so gleeful, I felt like a thousand suns were shining right at my face.

“We did it.” Jeongguk chuckled in what seemed to be genuine satisfaction.

I knew then and there that the whole purpose of me coming here and doing all this was fulfilled. That smile on Jeongguk’s face was something I wanted to paint and keep with me for the rest of my life.

“Always glad to be at your service, lovely.” I winked, smirking when I saw Jeongguk clear his throat and look away.

The blush on his cheeks was unmistakable though. And I felt proudly unapologetic. Vante or Taehyung, atleast I was at the receiving end of such a breath-taking sight.

“Alright artists! The results will be declared by the end of the day but before that, the teams need to bring their art pieces here and explain what they have tried to portray. We will begin with Team 1.” Nolan informed.

There were five teams in total and we were the fourth team, so we waited, listening to the other competitors talk about their paintings.

“See? I told you people would prefer doing abstract.” I hushed, leaning closer to Jeongguk.

“Mmhm, but their painting is really good. They have given it their own twist which is still unique.”

“Sure is, but experimentation earns brownie points, sunflower.”

Jeongguk turned to look at me then, his eyes twinkling in something akin to amusement.

“You are petty, aren’t you?” Jeongguk giggled. “I feel you are even more competitive than I am.”

“Petty? Confident more like.” I scoffed. “I want you to win this damn thing.”

His gaze turned soft, the way it had never turned for me. Vante was sure as hell a lucky bastard.

“Thank You. It means a lot.” Jeongguk whispered, pinning me with a meaningful gaze before looking away.

God, how I wished to kiss him, to hold him in my arms and reassure him, cherish him, love him.

Within a few minutes, we were being called. I suggested Jeongguk that he should talk about it. I wanted him to revel in all the light of the attention because there was no one more deserving of it than him. I would be content standing behind as his shadow while he glowed and thrived.

The moment we put our canvas on the easel at the centre of the room, I heard a few gasps and I smirked at the reaction knowingly.

“Hello everyone. I am Jeongguk and my partner is Vante-ssi.” Jeongguk bowed like the sweetheart he was and I followed him. “After brain-storming for quite some time, we decided to be audacious and attempt to give our own touch to one of the masterpieces of the Renaissance period, The Creation of Adams.”

“I think for that thought itself, you need to be appreciated.” Iseul smiled encouragingly, giving us a thumbs up.

“Thank You, Iseul. To be honest, I was wary because let’s be honest, those are absolutely untouchable artworks. But Vante-ssi said something to me which struck me and I agree to it too. He said, art cannot be monopolised and I think I haven’t heard something so beautiful in a long time.” Jeongguk said, looking at me with such lovely eyes, my knees almost buckled.

I stood there completely stunned. The way he talked about me was nothing like the way he behaved with me. He had opened up slightly but he still kept me at arm’s length. Looking at him now though, I could see the initiation of something from this point on. I saw things turning mutual and it had me feel bittersweet.

“That’s a lovely thing to say.” Nolan nodded, looking at me. “Our breezy gentleman seems like a philosopher too.”

The room erupted in soft laughter and I couldn’t stop the smile on my lips as well. At that moment, I realised something that made me fall for the boy even more. Jeongguk wasn’t someone who would ever hog the limelight. He would never let me be the shadow. He would hold my hand and bring me towards the sun so both of us could bask in the warmth of it; and that knowledge wrecked my heart in more ways than one.

“So with that thought, we dared to take inspiration from it and thus came out this piece.” Jeongguk pointed towards the canvas. “What we have done here is incorporate the Bob Ross style, which can be seen in the S-patterns that we have done on the background and smudged it upwards with the thick brush to give the mystical effect. From the Creation of Adams, we chose to take just the barely touching hands. The highlight is that even they still don’t touch, they are still tied with the red string of fate, which represents hope and optimism.”

Jeongguk was so confident the way he talked, it was like watching a new version of him altogether. I was certain my jaws had slackened, so I composed myself.

“The further aspects would be explained be Vante-ssi.”

I jolted. We hadn’t decided that. Dear lord. The imposter that I was, all my confidence and cockiness was just infront of Jeongguk. But in a room full of people so accomplished, I felt my hands shake. I looked at the bot in panic, shaking my head. But then.

Then Jeongguk held my shaking hand in his and gave it a reassuring squeeze. And I swear on my existence, it felt like I had combusted and burst into vivid colors; colors I had never even known before this angel who had graced my dry life. His warm hand and even warmer presence seemed to be magical because after that all I could think of was his touch and the way he smiled at me with so much trust, I wouldn’t dare in this life to disappoint him.

So I got a grip and turned to face the room, taking a breath.

“Our point of taking the hands was nothing similar to the original piece. As Jeongguk-ssi mentioned earlier, we wanted to make something inspired from it. Our representation is all about love in its most hopeful form. That even if two people might not be together according to the textbook definition, the essence of togetherness is bound to get to them. Hence the red string of fate.” I explained, trying to be as confident as possible. “To make it more appealing, we embossed the hands with the air-dry clay, which took hell lot of time by the way.”

Iseul and Nolan chuckled at that and my sense of confidence improved slightly.

“Also, as you can see, we have tried to show the union of two different worlds via those hands. The right side is lush, blooming, filled with bright colors to portray the warmth and lightness of being. While the left side is slightly shadowed, dry and dreary. What we wanted to show was the power of companionship. Because as you can see, the shadowed part has been tinted with hints of bright colors at the end. Again, showing hope.”

“Basically, that companionship and the assurance of togetherness can light even the darkest of abyss.” Nolan hummed.

“Yes, exactly.” I smiled.   

“Well, I am not going to lie this is one of the most amazing pieces I have seen so far.” Iseul said, her expressions evidently showing awe and appreciation.

“Your sketching has improved and the strokes as well. Bob Ross style isn’t as easy as it seems so I would like to commend you two on that as well. Good work.” Nolan kept it short but I was content.

We took our seats then and I could see that Jeongguk was practically buzzing with excitement. It had me smile.

“We certainly got better reviews from Nolan compared to last time, right?” Jeongguk said, grinning wide.

“We worked hard for it, fellow traveller. I would have kicked some ass if we wouldn’t have gotten compliments.”

Jeongguk laughed under his breath and my heart did a flip again.

“Alright, now that we have seen and heard about all the art pieces, I want to say that the lot of you is incredibly talented. I am certain this year’s competition is going to be the most interesting. The results will be shared with you on your mobile phones via text messages. Only those who have been selected for the second round will receive the text. For the ones who don’t receive it, it isn’t the end. Please keep continuing because you do have talent.” Nolan said after the final presentation, clapping.

“The ones who are selected have to come tomorrow so we can let you know about the second round. We’ll see you then. Go and relax. You all did well.” Iseul smiled before they left.

“What do you think? Would we make it?” Jeongguk asked, nibbling on his lip.

“I want to believe so. Yes.” I said genuinely. “But I am not going to ponder over it much. The content of giving it my all weighs higher for me than any validation.”

Jeongguk nodded, smiling softly.

“Sometimes it’s hard to believe that you are the same person who so shamelessly and crassly flirted with me the very first day.”

I laughed quietly, shaking my head.

“Aw, what’s the matter, sunflower? Do you miss it?”

“And there you go again.” Jeongguk sighed, getting up.

“Hey, what? If you miss it, your wish is my command.” I said, following him outside.

“In what universe would I ever say that. Get out of your delusions.”

“My delusions got me a place in your heart, sunflower. So, who is the loser really?”  

Jeongguk didn’t dignify me with any response but the smile on his face was the answer to all of my questions. Well, if it was Vante who would be the reason for that smile, I decided Taehyung was no one to stand in the way.

Chapter Text

Jeongguk was panicking internally.

I could see through him clearly. The way his fingers were curled in a fist, he nibbled on his lip, eyes frantically moving across people, I could sense the boy was caught up in nerves.

The results were supposed to be announced, so I could understand his anxiety. I didn’t care much, but I wished to succeed for Jeongguk’s sake. This competition clearly meant more for him. I wanted him to win, I wanted to give him everything that was in my reach.

“Relax, sunflower. They are going to select five pairs for the next themed competition this week. I am pretty sure we’ll be one of them. We did well.” I tried to assure.

“I feel that as well. But hyung, they will select only three pairs from the next round. I am so nervous, I don’t know what to do.”

Every time he called me that, I had to do everything in my power to not pop a goddamn boner. I never knew I was so inclined towards this kink, but Jeongguk came as an enlightenment and as my ruin all the same.

“I want to make it to the final round next week. I need this.” Jeongguk muttered, more to himself.

It was endearing really, to see him so competitive.

“We will. Take that stick outta your ass first.”

Jeongguk looked, no, he glared at me, but it was far from intimidating. It was the most adorable thing I had ever witnessed. I wasn’t Taehyung here, I was Vante, so I didn’t restrain myself and leaned to pinch his cheek.

“Don’t look so cute, lovely. I might keep you in my pocket.”

“Do you ever shut up?” Jeongguk scoffed, smacking my hand away.

But there was no heat in his actions or in his words. Well, this was an improvement.

“Alright, my lovely artists!” Nolan’s voice came which gained our attention. “It’s time to announce our five winning pairs who will go to the next round that will happen during the weekend. Are you ready?”

I heard Jeongguk take a sharp inhale, and I couldn’t hold back a snicker. It was amusing to see the boy being so animated here when at home, he was nothing like that.

“Our first pair, was the one who experimented amazingly well with the abstract theme, bringing out this beautiful piece which harmonises inner spirituality with the outer chaos. Congratulations to Team 2, Mr. Minjae and Mr. Travis.”

The room erupted in cheers and claps. The painting really was amazing. Their strokes, their intent, the way they had executed their idea was on point. I looked at Jeongguk, and as I had thought, he was busy dissecting the art as well. One thing I had noticed about my husband was how positive he was. Jeongguk was competitive, yes, but he wasn’t petty. He tried to learn from others. He saw others’ wins as his motivation and that made me even more smitten with him.

As they kept on announcing the winners, I could sense Jeongguk spiralling with every name announced that wasn’t ours. They had already announced three pairs. Only two were left. At this point, even I started being a bit sceptical of our chances to win, even if I didn’t show it.

The fourth pair was announced, and yet again, we weren’t the winners. I didn’t practice any restraint, held Jeongguk’s hand and realised he was trembling. I squeezed it in assurance, nodding at him with a small smile. Those doe-eyes of his were filled with longing, the need to win, that urge to prove something to his own self.

“For the final pair, well, this was a tough decision on our part, if I am being honest, wasn’t it, Iseul?” Nolan’s voice brought us out of our bubble.

“It certainly was. There were so many art pieces and for us every one of them was a winner. But well, for the competition’s sake, we finally decided on the one which has the both of us in awe, not just because they dared to traverse a path less taken, but also because they have shown immense growth since the workshop days. This pair’s trajectory has been upwards without any bump and we thought that needs to be appreciated.” Iseul smiled.

“So our final winning pair..” Nolan smirked, teasing.

I felt Jeongguk’s grip tighten on my hand and I helplessly smiled, even amidst all this pressure.

“..is Mr. Jeongguk and our breezy gentleman Mr. Vante.”

I blinked, because for a moment, I couldn’t process they had finally announced our names. Jeongguk was equally as flabbergasted, his eyes wide and filled with stupor.

“Well? What are you guys waiting for? Come here and take this memento!” Iseul laughed.

That’s when it hit us that we have won this first round. The both of us got up together and taking me by utmost surprise, Jeongguk turned and hugged me.

Right in the middle of so many people.

Right in the middle of the whole world.

The boy was laughing in glee, I could feel his heart beating like crazy because he was so close. My heart was about to burst, but for very different reasons.

This was the first time Jeongguk had initiated something like this. At the back of my head, I was aware that it might be because of the adrenaline, because of the suddenness of the win, because of the sheer relief that was coursing through his being. But I ignored that rational part and basked in this moment. My hands were cautious, hesitant when I cupped his waist, but the moment I did, I almost moaned.

His waist was lithe. It was so tiny, that my hands almost covered it completely. My brain began conjuring up lewd images that I never wanted to think about. Not yet atleast.

“We did it!” Jeongguk chirped, laughing in relief.

I mourned the loss of warmth when he pulled away, my hands hovering over his waist, wanting to pull him close, wanting to breathe in his scent, wanting to lose myself in him. But I blinked back from my stupor, getting back into my character.

“I should say I told you so, but I will be a gentleman, and do this instead.” I smirked, and pulled his cheeks with intent this time.

Jeongguk, surprising me again, laughed softly, taking my breath away for the umpteenth time. The both of us went ahead, and I stood behind, wanting Jeongguk to revel in this victory. The boy accepted the memento, but then, he walked towards me, keeping it in my hands as well.

“This win is for both of us. We worked hard for it. I am not going to be the only one accepting the praise.. hyung.”

The smile on Jeongguk’s face was so utterly beautiful, so calming, I felt my soul sigh in relief. This was the very first time, I saw something akin to admiration in Jeongguk’s eyes when he looked at me and I wanted time to freeze, wanted to live in this moment forever. Because I knew Taehyung will not be at the receiving end of this grace.

I put my hands over the memento, but my eyes were on Jeongguk alone. No trophy, no prize, no recognition mattered from anyone who wasn’t him. If anything that I did makes him smile like that, I would happily do it again and again.

“The rest who couldn’t move ahead, please don’t think you were any less. I am aware that our words of consolation might not do much. But please don’t let your spirits wither. All of you are amazing artists. Never let go of the art inside you.” Nolan said.

“Okay, now that we have our five winners, let us tell you about the second round which will happen this Saturday. Prepare well for it guys, because it will be a test to your creativity, skill and your thought-processes.” Iseul let us know.

Jeongguk was practically vibrating in his seat with how excited he already was, and it had me bit back a fond chuckle.

“So, we already have a theme for you for the next round.” Iseul smiled cheekily. “Should we tell them, Nolan?”

“I don’t want to. What if we bombard them with it on Saturday itself? It would be more fun to watch them flap their metaphorical wings in anxiety.” The critic smirked.

“Oh, aren’t you cruel.”

I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at the dramatics. It didn’t really matter to me what they did. But one look at Jeongguk and he was already pushing for them to let us know the theme now. The boy was so into it, so seriously invested, it made me think just why it mattered so much to him.

“Alright. We wont be so devilish. We would let you know the theme now so you can come up with your ideas and pour it all out during the competition. But there will be a twist.” Nolan said.

“That’s right.” Iseul clapped her hands once. “The theme for the second round.. is ‘The Sacred and the Profane’.”

Jeongguk’s eyes went wide with thrill and nerves at the same time. He turned to look at me with those doe-eyes full of anticipation. It made me laugh, even more at the way Jeongguk frowned at my reaction.

“And the twist.. is that since you already know the theme now and will have more than enough time to come up with your ideas, the time duration will be shortened for the next round. Instead of two and a half hours, you’ll now get only one and a half hour.”

“Oh no.” Jeongguk gasped softly, and I hid my smile behind my fist. “Uhm, Iseul?”

“Yes?”

“What exactly do you mean by The Sacred and the Profane? As in how do we interpret it? Isn’t it vague?” Jeongguk asked.

“Well, that’s the whole point of it.” Iseul chuckled. “We know art is subjective. So we have deliberately kept it open ended because we want to see your interpretations of what it can mean.”

“Every interpretation is going to be correct in its own way. We only want to see how far your imagination can go.” Nolan gave us a thumbs up.

“This is going to be tricky.” I heard Jeongguk mumble.

“Why fear when I am here, fellow traveller.” I internally winced at the cringe of it all, but well, that was Vante.

Jeongguk looked at me, and oh, how I would want to be just where Jeongguk’s gaze landed. I had never felt such urges before, to be the centre of someone’s attention, to be close to someone like that. Jeongguk changed everything though. I couldn’t even make myself hate it. Nothing that came from him, or because of him, I could ever hate. It made me want to be better. For him. Always for him.

“Let’s not be so over-confident this time, hyung. They are raising the difficulty level with each round, as expected. I wonder how the final round will be.”

“I don’t care because I know we’ll win this.” I winked at him, even though it made me die inside.

“How can you be so sure? Haven’t you looked at the other pairs? They have done phenomenally well.”

“So have we, sunflower. Do you always undersell yourself or only I get to see this special side?”

Maybe I shouldn’t have said that, because I saw Jeongguk’s face fall. It was just a subtle change, but I noticed. It was as if Jeongguk found himself yanked to a world where he didn’t want to be.

I hated how quiet he became after, not saying a word more. I hated myself for dimming those starry eyes, for hurting him even if I didn’t know how. Luckily, the session ended. I watched Jeongguk quietly gather his stuff. He was about to leave, but I couldn’t have let him go like that. So I gripped his forearm gently.

“You wanna go celebrate our win somewhere?”

“Uhm.. I don’t think I should.”

“Why?”

Jeongguk only shrugged.

“Come on, Sunflower. We deserve this. We worked our asses off for this day. And don’t forget you forced me to come back here. The least you can do is celebrate this fucking win.” I all but whined, like a toddler.

With how far I had come, I could be a theatre artist in the least, I felt. But the self-deprecation vanished when I heard a small laugh from him.

“Okay, I guess.”

“Really?” I couldn’t hide my surprise.

“Well, we do deserve to celebrate the win. Something has finally made me truly happy.”

His words had my gut coil in both relief and self-hatred. The implications were clear. He wasn’t happy with me.

I knew that, but hearing it directly from him felt like a punch in the gut. Everyday, when I tried to brighten up his world, I felt like I was drowning in a deep, dark abyss. I never blamed him, I couldn’t. but I blamed my own expectations sometimes. I blamed how I always expected things would start looking good for me. For Taehyung.

But just that one sentence had all my hopes shatter into pieces. I knew I wouldn’t ever be enough for Jeongguk but when the boy reaffirmed it himself, even if indirectly, it had something in me break irreparably.

But I did what I always do best.

Put a smile on my face even if my heart was bleeding.

†

Jeongguk was wide-eyed in astonishment the moment we reached the café.

Apparently, there was a cultural event going on, the place crowded but lively. At one corner, there was karaoke stage where people were having the time of their lives, while over the other side, people were engrossed in some games. I had no idea about any event. I just brought him because I had been at this place before and had liked the vibe and the food.

“Uh.. well, this is a fucking shocker.” I mumbled.

Jeongguk laughed at that. Man, was I on fire today.

“Looks like the universe really wanted us to celebrate our win, huh?” Jeongguk hummed, looking around. “This seems fun.”

“It does?” I asked, genuinely taken aback. “I thought you might like somewhere peaceful.”

“I am not a grandpa. Maybe, that’s what you like.” The boy shrugged, sassy.

I couldn’t help but raise a brow, amused.

“Are you calling me a grandpa?”

“Your words, not mine.”

“Let me tell you who’s a grandpa, you little shit. Come here.”

I laughed when Jeongguk squealed, running away. This was the first time, even with Vante, that Jeongguk was so, so mischievous and carefree. I got a glimpse of the same boy I had fallen for back then; the same glow on his face, the same twinkle in those doe-eyes, the same bunny-like smile. It was an open garden space, and I chased him until he couldn’t run anywhere. The both of us were panting, big grins on our faces.

“You cheated!” Jeongguk giggled, still trying to find a way to escape.

“Some audacity you have, sunflower. You called me names, and you provoked me. How come I was the one who cheated?”

“You are cornering me!”

“That’s the whole point of playing catch, isn’t it? Or are you too old to remember the rules now?”

Jeongguk let out a huff, trying to make a run for the other side, but I was quicker. In the next moment, I grabbed his wrist, pulling him closer until I was wrapping my arms around his waist from behind and raising him high, his legs dangling in air.

I had never, not once, even back then, heard Jeongguk laugh so freely, so loud, without a care, squealing like a baby penguin. He wiggled in my arms, wanting to get out, but it was reflex the way I tightened my arms around him. The moment he put him down, he turned to face me, all giggly and pink-cheeked. He took my breath away yet again. I stared like a degenerate, helpless and immensely drawn towards him.

Our gazes stayed on each other for a moment longer than they should. Something passed in that moment; charged and inexplicable. The both of us felt that. It felt like Jeongguk was finally seeing me, was finally getting to feel how fast my heart beat for him. His hand was right over my chest, over my heart and I knew he could feel it all. Through no fault of my own, my gaze fell on his petal-like lips, just for a moment before moving to his eyes again. But he had noticed, of course he had.

The daze broke in that moment.

Jeongguk cleared his throat, stepping back to put some distance between us. I could see he was flushed and, oh, how I loved that on him. In that moment, it didn’t matter if I was Taehyung or Vante. I felt accomplished. Because it was me who made Jeongguk like that. In what form, it didn’t matter.

“I see you are having your own fun here.”

The both of us jolted because of the sudden voice, turning to find a well-dressed man smiling at us.

“I am the owner of this café, and it made me really happy to see you two revel in your inner child. That’s the whole point of this place.” He said. “I am Robin.”

“Hello.” Jeongguk bowed, ever the polite one.

“Well, there is an interesting game happening over there. Mandu-eating contest. You guys should do it.”

“Mandu-eating?” I asked, looking behind.

“Yeah. It’s a couples’ game. Whoever eats highest number of Mandus wins. You two can decide amongst yourselves what the winner will get.” The man winked.

Jeongguk turned red, even I felt the blood rush to my face.

“W-We are not.. not together like that.” Jeongguk mumbled.

“Oh? Well, could’ve fooled anyone. You look cute together.”

“So, uhm, this Mandu thing.” I tried to change the topic. “Is there any limit?”

“Only of your bodies and appetite.” Robin laughed, waving his hand as he left.

“Well. What say, fellow traveller? Should we give it a try?

“I am not sure..” Jeongguk nibbled on his lip, clearly flustered and sceptical.

“Why? Afraid you’ll lose?”

Bang on. I hit the nail on the head with that one, because Jeongguk’s demeanor completely flipped, that same competitiveness coming back. I stifled my laughter at how adorable the boy was, really.

“You can try, grandpa.”

“Oh, it’s on.” I nodded, extending my hand for a shake and to seal the bet. “But remember, whoever wins can demand one thing from the one who loses. And the loser cannot deny.”

Jeongguk seemed to be in thought, and I didn’t want him to back away. I didn’t know where it could lead, but I felt like this was my chance.

“Did that scare you, fluffy?”

“Don’t call me that, what the hell?” Jeongguk hissed, looking even cuter than before. “Trifle things don’t scare me.”

“Prove it, then.”

Jeongguk shook my hand.

The game was on.

In the next ten minutes, Jeongguk and I had managed to hog the limelight of the game corner of the garden. People had huddled around us, some cheering for Jeongguk, some for me. The mandus were bite sized, small circles to fit the ease of the game, so it was easier to gobble them down. I was on my 30^th dumpling, my limit already reaching fast. Jeongguk wasn’t far behind, on his 26^th. It definitely was a close competition.

Two more plates of mandus were brought, the crowd increasing around us. Tears were rolling down both our eyes because it was a bit spicy. Everyone who knew me, knew how much I hated spicy food. I couldn’t stomach it at all. But if getting Jeongguk to cave to my one wish was at stake, I would eat the whole cauldron full of spice without thinking twice. It sounded dramatic even to my own ears, but it didn’t stop being true. I was that far gone for my husband.

I finished another plate which had 6 mandus. When I looked at Jeongguk, the boy was panting, clearly not ready to back off. But then, surprising the both of us, he kept the mandu he was holding in his hand on the plate back.

“I cant.” He muttered, letting out a huff and gulping a whole glass of water.

I laughed in absolute glee, pushing one more dumpling somehow, clearly winning the game. I was so goddamn over the moon because of that small win, that I growled like a dramatic villain who had finally gotten the love interest.

“Who’s the grandpa now?” I couldn’t help but tease, laughing when Jeongguk glared with a heaving chest, face flushed.

The crowd erupted in cheers, people dancing around, squealing, the place filled with laughter. I had never in my life been so elated before. This happiness, this fulfilment that I was experiencing was all because of Jeongguk. Slowly and for a change, my inner child was thriving with each day that I spent with him.

“That was one hell of a competition.” Robin, the owner, came with a huge grin. “Because you entertained everyone else around as well, and to commemorate your win, your dessert tonight will be on the house.”

“Wow.. Thanks.” I couldn’t help but mumble, surprised at the generosity.

The crowd around began scattering, getting busy in their own things and we were finally left alone.

“I am so full I can’t even walk.” Jeongguk sighed, rubbing his belly. “I don’t think I can stomach the dessert.”

“Neither can I. But I am not going to deny the free food, sunflower.”

I watched in trance as Jeongguk laughed. It was a soft sound, and everything in his demeanor was a ripple of relief. I could feel how light he felt after the win, so full of that sense of accomplishment. After a long time, I could finally see life peeking through him.

“Come on, let’s go take a walk. It’s a pretty place. Might as well make some space for the dessert, eh?” I suggested.

The way Jeongguk bloomed, I stood transfixed. Today marked the day when something began shifting between us. I could feel it in my bones.

And I couldn’t decipher whether it would help our marriage blossom, or would unravel it completely.

†

I barely held myself enough for my jaws to not drop in astonishment the moment I entered our home.

With my belly full of food and shared laughter with Jeongguk, I had a smile on my face the whole way I drove from Jimin’s studio. I couldn’t let go of those moments I had spent with him the whole day today. The side of him which he was trying to shed with me, with Taehyung, had resurfaced and never wanted him to go back. That suppressed side came right out when he was with Vante. Even if that thought broke me a bit, I was still content because atleast Jeongguk was getting to bask in happiness.

But when I opened the door, I almost dropped my bag.

Because there stood Jeongguk, right in the middle of the living hall. But what was different today was the huge smile he wore as he looked at me. His face was glowing, his eyes held a twinkle I had never once seen whenever he was at home with me. The happiness that he was engulfed in was palpable, so much so that I couldn’t help but smile myself.

“Jeongguk-ssi, is something the matter?” I asked, playing clueless as I approached him.

“I’ll tell you when you congratulate me.” The boy grinned, vibrating with excitement.

I had to bite back a knowing smile, indulging him as I extended my hand.

“Alright.” I laughed quietly. “Congratulations. May I ask what am I congratulating you for though?”

“I got selected in the top 5 for the second round of the competition!” Jeongguk giggled, glowing with glee.

I froze at the sound.

I absolutely malfunctioned the way those giggles were the purest and most angelic sound I had ever heard in my drab life.

That sound was the sound of my salvation.

I was so in love with this boy, it hurt.

“Oh.. that’s.. Congratulations, really. That’s wonderful news.” I managed, clearing my throat, a small smile stretching my lips. “I am not surprised because I have seen your dedication towards your art. This is just the beginning. Bigger things are coming your way, I can see it.”

I meant every word. And I wanted him to know that there is one person who will always believe him no matter what. Sometimes, that reassurance meant the world, and I wanted to give Jeongguk that.

I noticed a rare softness in those doe-eyes. It was rare because I was almost never at the receiving end of such warmth from Jeongguk. Neither was Vante. Because Jeongguk had lost that softness, that warmth. But my heart settled seeing how it was slowly making its way back to the boy.

“Thank you.” Jeongguk hushed, and I could sense the gratefulness just from how he looked at me. “I.. I could do all this because of your support too, Taehyung-ssi. And I cannot be grateful enough for whatever you have done for me.”

I hated how I didn’t want gratefulness from him. All I wanted was for him to see just how much I loved him. But that remained a wishful thinking, atleast for now. So I only nodded, not knowing what I could even say to that.

“I’ll uhm.. go change.” I said, taking my bag.

“I have made pasta for dinner.” Jeongguk said as I started walking towards my bedroom.

The speed with which I turned towards him had my neck almost snap, eyes wide and lips parted in horror. I was so full, there was no way in hell I could force even one bit down my throat at this point. But there was no way I could tell him that.

Jeongguk flinched at my reaction, the smile on his face fading slowly. It caused a sharp pain in my chest, the kind of pain you feel when someone stabs you multiple times. 

“You don’t like Pasta?” The boy mumbled, his Bambi eyes getting bigger, lips forming a pout.

I almost died there.

I had no idea how any human could be that endearing. Dear God, was Jeongguk dangerous for my sanity, for my heart, for my whole being.

“I love Pasta.” I found myself muttering, wanting to do anything to get that smile back on his beautiful face. “I have never loved any dish more than I love Pasta.”

That was a lie.

But Jeongguk didn’t need to know that.

All that mattered was that he was happy. I would suffer a thousand deaths just to see him smile. Eating over a full belly was nothing.

And to my relief, I saw the twinkle in his eyes come back, the smile on his face wider than before.

“I will reheat it. There is also tiramisu which I got from the bakery Jimin hyung had talked about. I hope you like that.”

I was certain I might have to make a doctor’s appointment tomorrow, because all I could do was nod like the weak, weak man I was for this angel.

“I’ll take a shower and join you.” I said before leaving to my room.

The whole time I was in the bathroom, standing under the warm shower, I couldn’t get rid of the smile on my face. Today was one of the best days of life. Seeing Jeongguk blossom into his real self had always been something I aspired to do since the moment I had married him under those grim circumstances. It was taking its sweet time, but I was content because slowly but surely, Jeongguk was coming out of his shell, he was letting go of his reservations bit by bit.

By the time I joined him in the kitchen, I was filled with wariness when I looked at the beautifully plated dinner. I sat slowly, my eyes taking in the serving of pasta which was too much for me at the moment. It looked scrumptious but I was in no condition to stomach it. I played with the fork, tangling and untangling the spaghetti, thinking of a way to put it in my mouth.

Jeongguk came to sit beside me, with a cup of coffee, his gaze finding mine.

“You.. Is that the only thing you’ll have for dinner?” I asked.

“I am full from the snacks we had on our way. Vante-ssi and I had a mandu-eating competition, so we ate more than our appetite.” He laughed softly, taking a sip of his coffee.

I could only nod, focussing on my food. But then it hit me. I had a part to play. Jeongguk had never told me about Vante before. If I didn’t ask about him now, it might come to bite me in the ass later on, might become a root of suspicion. And I couldn’t have that. Not when everything was finally working out.

“Vante-ssi?” I looked at Jeongguk, in faux confusion.

I truly thought I deserved some sort of award for this self-inflicted drama.

Jeongguk blinked at me, and then burst out in tiny giggles. That sound had me want to go down on my knees and worship the boy. I could feel my pupils dilate. I loved this happiness on him.

“I apologise, Taehyung-ssi. I forgot to mention it before.” He said. “The competition this year is happening in pairs. It was a twist they let us know before it began. Vante-ssi is my partner.”

“Oh.” I nodded. “I hope you two are getting along then, seeing how important artistic compatibility can be.”

Jeongguk smiled, humming.

“It wasn’t a smooth sailing, but I think we have found our rhythm now. He is a menace, but I can see the goodness of heart in him.”

The words had me smile, despite myself.

“Uhm, Taehyung-ssi?”

I looked up at him, the pasta still rolled around my fork.

“Do you not like the food?”

He looked at me with so much anticipation, I wanted to hold him in my arms and assure him. His expressions were full of doubts as he looked at my untouched plate and then back at me. Those doe-eyes.. they were so big, looking at me with hurt and there was no way I would be able to forgive myself if I was the reason behind that.

“It’s.. Michelin star worthy.” I said, trying to smile. “I was just.. waiting for you. I thought you’ll have dinner too.”

I didn’t wait for any reaction, only focussed on my plate. The very first bite, and the flavours burst in my mouth. The pasta was actually delicious, absolutely perfect, just the way I liked it. It was a shame I couldn’t enjoy it to the full given my condition. I forced every bite, praising his cooking with it, watching his smile return and his eyes shine.

I ate everything he had prepared for me.

Because there was no pain I wouldn’t bear if it meant Jeongguk would bask in the light of laughter. Because my discomfort meant nothing if it made Jeongguk bloom like that. Because my love for him knew no bounds at this point. And I was not apologetic for it.