Archive of Our Own

Elliot, how are things?

You know, things are things.

So, um, I... I, uh...I wanted to talk to you about something. The necklace.The compass that you gave me last year.

Did you lose it? You're the only person I know who could lose a compass.

No, as a matter of fact, I haven't taken it off since you gave it to me. And...I wanted to let you

know that it has been incredibly meaningful to me. And it has guided me in terms of my healing.

I'm glad.

Yeah. And, uh...I just wanted to let you know that I...I lent it to someone. The...A victim's mother.

From the missing girl case?

Yeah, that...that poor woman has been through hell.

Sounds like she needed it a lot more than you do.

I knew you'd understand.

It had been a few days since she’d called him. They’d promised to be better about making time to talk, to finally find time to see each other. But as usual, work, life, it all got in the way. It still felt strange to not have the compass around her neck, she’d worn it for a whole year. She was happy to give it to Maddie’s Mom, hoping that it would bring her some peace, help her find her way again.

She just hadn’t realized how attached she’d actually gotten to it.

As she rounded the corner of the little market, her head hung low reading emails on her phone, she heard a familiar voice that made her stop. Turning to the left, she saw who she was looking for. Bernie Stabler. She was walking beside a man she didn’t recognize, shorter, a little stocky but bald like Elliot and she wondered-

“Bernie?”

Bernie and the mystery man turned toward her. The older woman looked much more frail than the last time she saw her. Her eyes glossed over, narrowing as she tried to recall how she knew this person. Olivia’s heart squeezed in her chest. It was clear the dementia was getting worse and she felt terrible for not asking Elliot more about it.

“I know you.” Olivia stepped forward, ready to remind her but Bernie beat her to the punch, “Olivia! Oh, Olivia!” She reached for her, her bony hands shaking as she pulled her into a hug, “Oh it’s so wonderful to see you!”

Olivia couldn’t help but feel tears stinging in the back of her eyes as she held onto her. It seemed like the older she got, the more time sped up. And she couldn’t help but wonder how much longer Bernie would be here.

“It’s so good to see you too.” She pulled back, holding her hands tightly, “How are you?”

“Getting older by the second, honey.” She smirked and squeezed her hands, “Now where have you been? You haven’t come by to see us.”

A pang of guilt hit her square in the chest before she spoke, “Oh, I know. I’m so sorry Bernie. Work has been…a bit hectic the last few months. I’m sorry. I should have come to see you. Especially since Elliot was undercover.”

“You and my son, two peas in a pod. You never know when to take a break and just enjoy life.” She shook her head and Olivia just stood there, still as a stone as she watched her turn to the man beside her, “At least one of my sons knows how to live. Isn’t that right Randall?”

Randall smiled at his Mother, “Sometimes, Ma. And sometimes I’ve lived a little too hard.” His words made his Mother laugh, he turned to the other woman in front of him and smiled, “I’m assuming you’re the Olivia Benson I’ve heard so much about?”

Her cheeks flushed as she looked at him, “I uh-I guess that’s me? Not sure what you’ve heard but-”

“All good things. All great things actually. Between my Mom, Elliot and his kids raving about you, I think you deserve Sainthood.”

Olivia shook her head adamantly, “Oh, no. Definitely not.” She paused before whispering, “And I guess that makes you Elliot’s older brother, Randall.”

He nodded, “That would be me.” He pointed to his bald head, “See the family resemblance?”

Olivia laughed, he was funny. He had certain mannerisms that matched Elliot’s but he seemed lighter, not bogged down by as many terrible memories. “Yeah. I do.”

“It’s a shame you can’t meet Joey, too.” Bernie sighed before looking at her oldest, “Where is your little brother anyway? He disappeared again.”j

Randall cleared his throat, and Olivia could see the anxious energy radiating off of him, “We told you, Ma. He’s uh - away on business again.”

She sighed, rolling her eyes, “It’s a wonder the boy didn’t become a cop like his Father and Brother. He’s just as mysterious as the two of them.” She shook her head, “Now with Eli going to the academy-”

“Eli’s going to the Academy? He wants to be a cop?” Olivia jumped in, shocked by their words.

“Seems he’s following in his Father’s footsteps. Really living up to his namesake.” Randall smirked, “He’s gonna be a Father too.”

Olivia’s eyes nearly bugged out of her head, “What? How - how is that possible? I swear it was just yesterday Kathy had him.”

“And if memory serves me, you were the one that helped deliver him.” Randall said giving her a knowing look, Olivia just stared at him, “Like I said, I’ve heard many stories about you, Olivia.”

She took a deep breath and turned to Bernie, “Well, wow. Congratulations. Uh - when did all of this happen? I just spoke to Elliot a few days ago and he didn’t mention any of it.”

“Just recently. He hasn’t said much about either thing other than he does not want Eli to join the academy.”

Olivia frowned, “I see.”

“Randall, I’m tired. Are we almost done?” Bernie asked, shifting away from Olivia.

Olivia could see the change in her. These moments of unexpected and sudden mood swings were part of it. She didn’t look at Olivia like she remembered her any longer. “Oh, yeah I’m sorry. I should let you go. I just uh - wanted to say hi.”

Bernie didn’t respond and Randall gave her a sympathetic nod, “I’m glad you did. It was nice to finally meet you.” He peered down at his Mother, “Don’t be a stranger. I know everyone would like to see you.” Bernie started to move away before Randall called out to her, “And from what I’ve heard, you’ve often been the only one to get through to my stubborn brother.” He shrugged, “I don’t know if he deserves you but - I do know he’s lost. Might need a friend to help put him on the right path again.”

Randall’s words swam around in her head as she stood watching them walk away. The last year had been such a blur, much like many before it. How was it that she hadn’t seen him in a year? Had she become so accustomed to life without him in the ten years that he was gone that she hadn’t even noticed a difference? Or had she been too afraid to allow herself to miss him? To accept how she felt about him?

Clearing her throat, she lifted a hand and waved, “I’ll - uh, I’ll remember that.”

When she turned again, her hands lifted to touch the compass on her neck but all she felt was her bare skin. She didn’t need it. That much was true. But maybe someone else did…

Elliot sat at his desk at work, the room was dark. Everyone else had gone home for the night. It felt like he hadn’t had a decent night's sleep in weeks. Hell, maybe even years. When he’d gone to visit Kathy, it felt good to let so much of it out but she wasn’t there to talk back. She couldn’t give him answers, hope, a path forward. And truth be told, even when she was here - she wasn’t that person for him either.

There’d only ever been one person who could lead him forward, one person who understood him like no one else.

Olivia Benson.

As if just thinking of her had summoned her, he heard her voice. For a moment, he thought he must be hallucinating. But even in the dim light, he’d recognize her anywhere. She was walking toward him, her leather jacket draped over her arm. He sat completely still, just watching her.

Her cheeks turned a light shade of pink, the moon illuminating her features enough for him to see. God, she was so fucking beautiful. And right now, he’d never been more grateful to see her.

“Why are you sitting here in the dark?”

He let out a soft breath, he hadn’t moved an inch, “I don’t know.”

She sighed, reaching for a nearby chair, pulling it up to sit beside him, “No offense but you look like shit.”

He chuckled, his head hanging low, “Feel like it too.”

He didn’t elaborate, but she wasn’t surprised, “Ran into your Mom.” His head cocked to the side, “Met Randall.”

“Oh yeah? And what did you think of my big brother? You like him more than me? Most people do.”

Olivia smiled sadly at him, “We didn’t talk enough for me to have an opinion much but he seemed nice. Funny.”

“Hm.”

“Elliot…”

His eyes closed tight, all he wanted was to reach for her but he didn’t know how, “Yeah?”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” His eyes fluttered open as he turned his attention back to her, “About Eli.” He swallowed hard, “Joining the force? Having a baby? That’s a lot.”

“Yes, it is.” He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his desk, “Haven’t quite figured out how I feel about it all just yet.”

“I can understand that. But I imagine him following in your footsteps,” His eyes lifted to her, “In more ways than one probably led to a lot of feelings. Brought up a lot of memories.”

“Becoming a cop was all I ever thought about becoming. I thought it was what I had to do. Why, I don’t know. But the thought of Eli doing this? Any of my kids doing this? Liv, that fucking terrifies me.” He let out a rattling breath, “I know I can’t tell him no. But God, I want to. I want to tell him to run as far away from this life as he can. So he doesn’t become as fucked up as I am, as my Dad was.”

“As fucked up as I am too?”

He grimaced, “No, Liv. You aren’t fucked up. You never have been.”

She laughed and reached into her bag, pulling out a bottle of red wine, “You always were a shit liar, Stabler.”

He smirked and looked at the bottle, “You were just carrying that around, huh?”

“Picked it up on my way. Thought we might need it.” She frowned, “I realized we don’t have glasses though…”

He shook his head as he reached for the bottle, “No need for decorum here, Liv. I think we passed that years ago.”

She laughed as she watched him twist the top off and take a long swig before handing it back to her, “I agree.”

He swallowed the red liquid, tilted his head back and sighed, “How did I end up here, Liv?”

“How did any of us end up here El? I feel like I just walked into the precinct and met you and then I blinked and here we are.” She shrugged, “They always tell you it goes fast but it’s hard to see it when you’re in it. Now that I’m older though, I realize they were right. I’ve tried to find a way to slow it down. But time just keeps passing and I’m still here just trying to make it through. Just like we all are.”

Resting his chin on his palm he asked softly, “What would you do if Noah said he wanted to be a cop?”

She let out a puff of air and lifted the bottle taking a long slug from it, “Probably pass out because I’d be terrified as hell.” 

“I think he hates me.”

“Elliot, he doesn’t hate you.”

He signed softly, “He should. I’ve messed up with him so many times. I mean Jesus he was not planned and I was older and-“

“Elliot.”

He paused, looking over at her and suddenly they were both taken back in time. To all those years ago before Eli was born, when he’d told Olivia that Kathy was pregnant. The look on her face had been one that haunted him for years. And if he was honest with himself he felt the same way. He loved his son. He’d never regret him.

But there was always a small part of him that had wondered…what if?

What if Kathy never got pregnant? What if they had gone through with the divorce? It had always felt like that when Olivia came back from Oregon, they had been on the brink of something. Everything had changed after Gitano. What if they had gotten together?

What would that have changed? Kathy would still be alive because he never would have left. His kids would still have their Mother. Maybe he would have had a child with Olivia, or at least adopted Noah with her. So many what ifs. But what good were they other than causing people more pain.

It felt like he’d done that a lot lately. Felt like he’d failed his kids, especially Eli. Felt like he’d failed his Mother, his younger brother. He’d failed Olivia when he left and maybe even now that he was back he was still failing her.

His body trembled as he pulled away from her, standing up to walk to the other side of the room, “I need some fucking air.”

She watched him carefully, even after ten years apart she knew him better than she knew herself sometimes. She could see the weight of the world sitting on his shoulders. His hands clenched and unclenched as he tried to decide what to do. He was unraveling right before her eyes and it felt like she was going to lose him all over again.

“He kept trying to call me and I was busy. I’m always fucking busy. And Joey’s in so deep with this and I can’t get him out. I feel like I should have been around to help him. I should have seen the signs. And what if he gets himself killed and what if-”

Quickly, she stood up and walked to him. Reaching for him, “El, stop.”

Before she could process what was happening, he was reaching for her. Pulling her flush against his body, she gasped but recovered quickly. This wasn’t the first time he had reached for her in a time of need, after Eli was born and again after Kathy had died. She swallowed hard, and let him fall apart. “It’s okay. You’re okay.”

He laughed sadly to himself, “No I’m not. I’m a fucking mess, Liv. An absolute mess.”

She smiled, leaning him back and shrugged, “Welcome to the club. I’ve been President for years. Wanna be my VP?”

He shook his head as he laughed, “You always did know how to make me laugh.”

“Well, at least I was good for something.”

His face quickly sobered and he reached for her again, “Liv, you were good for a lot of things. A hell of a lot of things and I’ll never be able to thank you for them.”

Suddenly the room felt hot, her hand lifted again. That instinct to grab for the compass only for her to remember it wasn’t there. She saw his eyes land on her neck. He had said he understood. But was he hurt she’d given it away?

“Come on, let’s get out of here.”

His eyes lifted to hers, “Where?”

She shrugged, “Where do you want to go? Your place?”

He shook his head, “Eli and his girlfriend are there. I-I just can’t right now.”

“Okay…” She pursed her lips, “We can go back to my place-”

“I don’t want to upset Noah.”

She smiled at the way he thought about her son and his feelings, “Okay.” She cocked her head to the side, “You trust me, Stabler?”

His shoulders relaxed as he looked at her, “You’re about the only one I trust these days.”

She smiled, knowing how that felt. She reached for his arm, pulling him back toward his desk. She quickly swiped up the bottle of wine and her bag before leading him down the hallway and out the building. He didn’t question her, didn’t say much of anything as she drove through the streets of New York. How often had they done this? Driven in silence while working a case? Sometimes they never stopped talking and other days they didn’t need to. There was a level of comfort there that neither of them could explain.

When she pulled up in front of her precinct, he laughed, “We swapped one squad room for another?”

She smiled and shrugged, “I have the keys to the roof here. We can go up there like old times.”

“Like old times…” He sighed softly, not realizing how badly even if just for a moment, he’d kill to go back to those days.

“Come on Detective, this bottle of wine isn’t going to drink itself.”

He laughed as he exited the car, following her upstairs. It still felt strange to be here at times. It had once felt like home but now it was all so different. He was a stranger. No one knew him, knew of his past other than Olivia and Fin. That was both a good thing and something that made him sad. He couldn’t deny that he was damn proud of her though.

Captain Olivia Benson.

No one deserved it more. And once again he was struck by one of those what ifs? What if he had stayed? Would she still have been as successful? Or would he have dragged her down with him? 

He took the steps two at a time when he realized he was lagging behind her. She held the heavy door open for him, a slight breeze blowing in making her long brown hair dance around her beautiful face. He stood frozen in the entrance, just staring at her.

He watched her suck in a breath, “Why are you looking at me like that?””

“Like what?”

“Like…” She laughed nervously, “I don’t know you’re just looking at me differently.”

He smiled as he shook his head, “Liv? I’ve always looked at you like this. You just apparently never noticed.”

He stepped past her, leaving her in shock listening to his statement. But deep down she knew it was true. He had always looked at her like that, she just never let herself think too much into it. But there had been a few moments last year, after she’d been shot, when they spoke in her office sharing takeout, when he’d given her the compass when she thought - what does this all mean?

Is this supposed to lead me somewhere? To something?

Lead you to happiness, Liv.

She watched him stride across the roof and she thought about the last year. She was happy. She was content with the life she had. But was it okay to want more?

“Am I drinking alone, Benson?”

She snapped out of her daze and quickly propped open the door so they didn’t get locked out. She stepped up beside him as he held out the bottle to her, “Remember the first time we did this? Cragen reamed our asses out. I swear I was walking with a limp for a week because his foot was so lodged up there from how hard he yelled.”

She snorted, leaning forward so as not to spill wine on herself, “Yeah. I remember that. Maybe he was just jealous because he wanted some for himself. Lord knows I will never understand how we didn’t drive him to relapse.”

“He’s a stronger man than I could ever be.” He smirked, “Between us and John’s conspiracy theories…he had his hands full.”

“Yeah. He did.” She paused before adding, “Fin got shot.” Elliot’s head snapped up to her, “He’s fine.” She quickly clarified, “Just grazed his arm. But he was an idiot and tried to handle it on his own.”

“What?”

She laughed and shook her head, “It’s a long story. Trust me, I reamed him out for that too. Hopefully he’s walking with a limp too so he knows how mad I was.”

Elliot smirked, leaning against the wall, “I’d have liked to see that. I can imagine as Captain you scare the pants of people at times. And that’s a good thing.”

I can see why you scared the pants off Kathy.

Bernie’s words echoed in her mind as she handed the bottle back to him, “I love it. But sometimes…”

“Sometimes it’s a lot being the one in charge?” She nodded, “Sometimes you wish we could go back to the way it was?”

She nodded again, “Yeah. I miss it.”

He quickly took another sip from the bottle and nodded, “Me too.”

She kicked at something on the ground, “So…” He looked at her expectantly, she shrugged asking the same question as before, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

He let out a sigh, “Liv…”

“We haven’t seen each other in a year but we’ve talked. Often. And I-I’ve rambled on and on about my life. About cases and Noah and so many things. But you didn’t say anything. Not about your brothers coming back, about whatever Joey’s gotten himself into. Your Mom getting worse. Eli…” She shrugged, “Why didn't you tell me?.”

He frowned, thinking through his words carefully, “When I came back. It was all about me. About what happened with Kathy - me trying to find justice with Wheatley. And you were there every step of the way just like you always have been.”

She waited, knowing there was more he wanted to say even if she wanted to intervene.

He glanced back at her, “You told me I never asked. About things that had happened when I was gone and you’re right. I should have. I still need too. I guess, I don’t know.” He shrugged, shoving his hands in his pockets, “I guess I was trying to be the friend you needed and deserved. The one I should have been all along.”

She swallowed the lump in her throat, “Elliot…”

“I knew if I told you everything you’d want to help.”

Her eyebrow rose quickly and she knew she was treading in dangerous waters when she asked, “And that’s a bad thing?”

He stood there staring at her and he smiled, shaking his head at her, “Really?”

She shrugged, “I care about you, El.” He held his breath as she moved toward him, “Of course I would have wanted to help you.”

“Like you let me help you last year?”

He wasn’t accusing her of anything, wasn’t trying to be mean or cause a fight. But he had a point and they both knew it, “Touche.” She paused, “I guess that’s something we’re both gonna have to work on if we want to keep this friendship thing going.”

She was close now, very close. Close enough to reach out and kiss like he had so desperately wanted to do last year in her kitchen. But it hadn’t been the moment and he didn’t think this was it either, “Is that what this is? Friendship?”

She smiled up at him, “I’m not sure we’ve ever really been able to define what this is, have we?”

His hand lifted, curling around a lock of her hair, “No. I guess we haven’t. You are my best friend, always have been. But this thing…” He heard her inhale sharply as he pulled her closer, “It’s always felt like more than that, hasn’t it?”

“Yes. It has.” She whispered, “Much, much more.”

“Liv…”

“I would have helped if I could. Just like I know you want to help me.” She paused, stepping back slightly even if it hurt like hell to do, “Just like you did help me. With that compass.”

He cleared his throat nervously, “What do you mean?”

She shrugged, “You surprised the hell out of me when you gave it to me last year. I was so…” Her voice shook as she spoke, “Touched that you thought of me. That you gave me something so beautiful and I just-” She sighed, “I didn’t take it off for a whole year. It was like a lifeline…I kept reaching for it when I needed it and it felt like you were there with me.”

He felt a pang of regret in his heart thinking that a year had gone by since then. Another year lost with her. He had given it to her in hopes that she would find what she wanted. He didn't want to push. Didn’t want to lead her himself. But that didn’t mean that selfishly he didn’t want it to lead her to him.

“But you said you don’t need it anymore. That you found what you were looking for.” She nodded slowly, “So what was it?”

“I think it was a lot of things really. I think I realized I need to stop running. That my life…is full. With work. With Noah. But I need to find a balance. A way to spend more time with him if I can. I need to stop giving so much of myself and allow myself to ask for help. To…allow myself to actually be happy.”

“You always have been selfless. Always looked out for everyone before yourself. I’m glad you’ve taken time to realize that.”

“You do the same thing you know. Help everyone before yourself. I think maybe we need to follow that rule they tell you on airplanes.” He started to laugh, “Secure our own oxygen masks before we help everyone else. Seems like we’ve been falling apart because we take care of everyone but ourselves.”

“Maybe you’re right.”

“You should know by now, I’m always right.” She smiled up at him as she took a sip of the wine again.

He watched her further down to where a few chairs were stacked up. He followed her, he’d follow her anywhere. And right now he was so lost, he needed someone to guide him. If there was anyone he could pick to do just that, it would be her. He pulled two chairs off the stack and placed them down, motioning for her to sit. “Ladies first.”

She smiled and sat down, offering him the bottle again when he sat beside her, “So, now I know. Let’s talk about it.” He looked back at her expectantly, “The stuff with Eli. Whatever’s going on with your brother. Tell me about it. Talk to me.”

He sighed, rubbing the back of his neck, “I told you I don’t want him to be a cop. I mean I love this job but lately it just feels so-”

“Draining?”

He turned back to her and nodded, “Yeah. I feel like everywhere I turn there’s another battle to face and I can’t catch my breath. It’s like I’m drowning, gasping for air, trying to get to the surface but when I get just close enough I get pulled back under again.”

“I know that feeling. I’ve been there many times before.”

“And how did you get out of it?” He sighed, “Because I don’t know how much more of this I can take.”

Reaching across to him, she placed her hand over his, “I had to let go of some of the burden. Which is what I’ve done this year. What your compass led me to realize.”

“I don’t know how to let go.”

She sighed, turning her chair more in his direction, “El, I’ve known you for a long time. There may have been some missing years in there but I still know you. You’ve always thought…I don’t like you were the problem. Blamed yourself for things that were going on around you. But you can’t do that.”

“How could I not? I mean look at my track record. The shit I put Kathy through time and time again. My fault. Never being around enough for my kids. My fault. Pulling away from my Mother, my fault. Jenna-”

His voice cracked, his cheeks burning red and her heart clenched in her chest. They had never discussed what happened that last day and she had never wanted to bring it up, “Elliot, Jenna was never your fault. You did what you needed to do to protect everyone.”

“I still took a life.”

“I know. But that doesn’t make you a bad person, doesn’t make you a killer.”

“Yeah well…in the years since then there's been others.” He groaned, leaning his head back “Too many.”

“All involved in cases, I assume. It’s part of the job. And it sucks. Every single one of us in this career have lost people and we’ve all felt like it’s been our fault. But it’s not.”

His head turned to the side, “I don’t want Eli to feel this. I don’t want him to get hurt. I don’t want him to become the man that I am. He already has my name, he doesn't need to repeat my mistakes. You said so yourself back then, the world didn’t doesn’t need another Elliot Stabler.”

She frowned, “That’s not what I said. What I meant. I was just kidding.” He just stared at her, “I think that’s exactly what this messed up world needs.” He held his breath as he watched her, “A man who would do anything for the people he cares about no matter the cost. A man who is true to his word and his faith. A man who may be flawed but is able to recognize that and keep trying. Those kind of men are rare, El. So if Eli grows up to be like you - you should be proud.”

His throat burned, “He’s going to be a Father. He left school. I just…I want him to be happy.”

Leaning forward, she took his hand in hers again, “And you have to trust that this is what makes him happy. That his girlfriend makes him happy. I know it’s always been hard for you to let go of them, but he’s grown up El. He’s going to make his own decisions. And what he needs is his Dad to support him. I know that’s all you ever wanted too.”

His eyes fell to her hand in his, he watched her thumb rub circles into the palm of his hand, “I found out recently - how my Father actually died.” He took a deep breath, “He killed himself. Took his gun and…”

“Elliot…”

“And right now I’m so fucking afraid that’s where I’m headed too. And God, I don’t want that for Eli. I don’t want-I can’t-”

She could feel him unraveling again making her slide her chair even closer, “Elliot, look at me.” His eyes were closed tight, but she could see tears that were threatening to spill over, he was still holding back, “Look at me.”

“I’m so fucking lost, Liv. I’m so lost.”

He leaned forward, his head pressing against his shoulder and she shifted her position to hold him better, “I know.”

“I don’t want to be my Father.”

She squeezed him tight, “You aren’t.” She felt his shoulders shake, “You told me for years that just because of who my Father was - what he’d done - it didn’t make me bad too.” She lifted his head again, “We aren’t our parents. We’re our own people who have made our own choices whether right or wrong. Eli is his own person too. And he is going to figure it out. And even though it doesn’t feel like it right now…so will you.”

He let out a shaky breath, leaning back into her. Feeling like the only one that could understand. The only one that could keep him afloat. He needed her. More now than ever. “Liv?”

“Yeah?”

He cleared his throat as he sat back up, “You said you wanted to help.”

“And I do. Just name it and I’ll do it.”

He stared at her, “I know it’s always been complicated. That there’s so much…history. But what I need - is my best friend.”

She sucked in her lower lip, “And I’m your best friend?”

“Yeah, Liv. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had. I don’t want to go another year. Another ten years without seeing you. I just…don’t want to have any more regrets.”

She nodded slowly, feeling tears burn in her own eyes, “Neither do I.”

He sighed, feeling at least a little of the weight lift from his shoulders. When he settled back in his seat and she moved to sit beside him, he never let go of her hand and she didn’t pull it back. They stared out at the night, heard the sounds of the city surrounding them and for the first time in a long time, they both felt peace. 

A few days later, Elliot was still trying to sort through everything. That night on the roof he’d told Olivia everything about his brother, about how deep he was in and how scared he was to lose him. It felt good to let it out, to actually voice his worries with someone who could understand. They’d talked about everything from Kathy, to his Mom, Noah finding out about his biological Father, Maddie’s case. He’d never enjoyed talking so damn much in his life.

Walking back into his apartment late one night, he yawned - desperately needing sleep. He found his son sitting at the counter and he knew they needed to have a real conversation. “Hey.”

Eli turned and smiled, surprised to see his Dad, “Hey. Didn’t think you’d make it home tonight.”

“Me either.” Elliot reached for one of the stools, pulling it closer as he straddled it, “Still sure you wanna be a cop? If memory serves me correctly - you love sleep. I don’t think I’ve slept through the night since the day I joined the academy. Now add a newborn into that, and you’ll be a walking zombie, kid.”

Eli heard the humor in his voice, knew he wasn’t judging or upset. He was trying. He could see that, “Yeah. It’s a lot when I really think about it but it’s what I want.”

“But why?” Elliot shrugged, “Eli, I’m not trying to be difficult about this. You’ve just never shown interest in it. And truthfully, I assumed you resented my career. It took me away from you. It cost your Mom her life, I-” He paused, “Why do you want to do this?”

“You’re right. About a lot of those things. But I’ve also been really proud to be your son. I’m sorry if I’ve never told you that.”

“Eli…”

“It’s been complicated. Really complicated. And there were times when yes, I hated it. Times when I was scared. But this isn’t something I decided overnight. I’ve been thinking about it for a long time. You, Grandpa, I’m proud to be a part of that legacy. But I really need my Dad’s support.”

Elliot took a shaky breath, “You have my support. Always.”

“Yeah?”

“I just don’t ever want anything to happen to you.” He swallowed hard, “I might not always show it. May not express it in the best way but Eli, I love you kid. I’ve loved you since the first day I held you and that will never change. But the thought of you getting hurt out there - seeing what I do. That scares me. And I don’t like admitting when things scare me. But this? This one terrifies me more than I can even explain.”

“Grandma said she felt the same way when you joined the academy too. Same with the Marines.”

“She did, huh?”

“Yeah. But she said she had to learn that you needed to make your own choices. And so do I, Dad. And this is my choice. I’m sorry if you’re disappointed in me for leaving school and-”

“I’m not disappointed.” He shook his head and moved closer, “Eli, I’m not disappointed. I just want you to be sure. Really sure.”

“I’m sure, Dad.”

“Well, then I’ll be behind you every step of the way.”

Eli sat there, letting the words sink in before he asked, “And what about the baby? Are you okay with that too?”

“I can’t deny that I was shocked. That I still am.” He smirked, “But apparently when your Mom and I named you - we were bound to repeat history. At least some of it.”

Eli smirked, “You were young when you had Maureen.”

“We were. We had no idea what we were doing but I don’t regret it for a second. The five of you are the best things I’ve ever done in this life. And I love being your Father.”

“What’s scarier? Being a Dad or becoming a cop?”

Elliot laughed, “I don’t know that I could pick. They’re scary for different reasons. But being a Father is also really rewarding.”

“You think I’ll be any good at it?”

Elliot placed his hand over his arm, “Yeah, Eli. I think you’ll be a hell of a Father. I just wish your Mom was here to see it happen too.” He paused before adding, “Though, it just occurred to me that if she were here I’d owe her 100 bucks.”

Eli frowned, “For what?”

“She said you would become a Father long before your brother ever got his shit together to have kids.” Eli was laughing, “Guess she was right.”

Eli laughed, “Nice. Real nice.” He paused, looking down at the counter, “I miss her. When Becky told me she was the first person I wanted to tell. It’s like sometimes I forget she’s actually gone.”

“I know. I do too.” He shrugged, “I went to visit her. I hope you’re not mad but I told her. But…I bet she’d like to hear it from you too.”

He took a deep breath, “Yeah. Maybe I should go visit her.” He stood up slowly, “But…we’re good?”

Elliot stood up quickly, pulling him into his arms, “Yeah, kid. We’re good. We’ve always been good. I love you and I’m proud of you. That will never change.”

“I really needed to hear that.”

Elliot pulled back, placing his hand on the back of his neck. He could still see the little boy, the one he’d never seen coming. But he also saw a man. A young man, but he was still grown. And maybe Liv was right, it was time to let go. At least a little. He’d make his own mistakes, create his own legacy and all he could do was hope it made him happy.

“Then I’ll remember to keep saying it.”

Eli smiled and reached for his keys, “I have to go meet Becky for dinner. I didn’t expect you to be home but you’re welcome to come with us if you want.”

Elliot shook his head, “No, no. Take your girl out. You don’t need me getting in the way. But, I would like to get to know her better soon.”

“I’d like that.” Eli stepped to the side before he remembered he had something to tell him, “Oh, by the way - Liv came by.”

He turned back to his son, surprised by his words, “She did? When?”

“About an hour ago or so.” He nodded toward the end of the counter, “She left something for you. Asked me to make sure you got it.”

Elliot turned to see a brown paper bag at the end of the counter. “What is it?”

Eli laughed, “You’re supposed to open it and find out yourself. That’s how gifts work.” He grabbed his coat and smiled, “Night Dad.”

“Night, bud. Be safe.”

Once his son was gone, he turned back to the bag and he suddenly remembered how he had wrapped the compass the same way. Curiosity got the better of him and he quickly reached inside and pulled out a black box. When he popped the top open he couldn’t help but smile, he wished she was here.

“Damn it, Liv.”

As he moved, a note fell from the bag. He quickly reached for it before looking down at the watch in the box. A watch that resembled a compass much like the one he’d given her a year ago.

El,
I thought you might need something to help guide you.
Lead you to happiness.
It helped me and I hope it helps you.
-Liv

Pulling the watch from the box, he quickly placed it on his wrist. Checking the time, he knew it was late but he had to see her. She had to know. He sent off a quick text hoping to get a response.

You home?

A few moments later she answered.

At the office. Noah’s visiting with the McCann’s. Wanted to get a few things done so I could spend more time with him this weekend. You okay?

As far as she knew, he probably hadn’t seen the watch yet. Without second guessing it, he stood and walked out the door again letting the door slam shut behind him.

Walking back into the quiet office, he was glad to see it was mostly dead. When he passed Fin’s desk, he made a mental note to check in with him and to see if he’d survived, not just the gun shot but the wrath of Olivia Benson too. It wasn’t just his relationship with Olivia he needed to work on. He had a lot of people in his life that he wanted to spend more time with, but right now there was only one that he wanted and needed to see.

He knocked on the doorframe, she looked up. He couldn't help but smile. She looked like she was born to be in this role. He watched her slide the glasses off of her face and place them down on the desk, “Hey. I didn’t hear back from you and I wasn’t sure-”

He held up his wrist showing her the watch, “I wanted to thank you in person for my gift.”

She smiled, standing up, she walked around the front of her desk, “Oh.”

“I love it, thank you.”

“Good. I hope it does help you the way it helped me.”

“I think it already has.”

“Good. That’s good.” She paused when she saw the serious look on his face, “Why are you looking at me like that?”

He couldn’t help but laugh, “I told you the other night, this is how I’ve always looked at you. You just never noticed.”

“Elliot…”

“Last year when I gave you the necklace, I knew what I wanted. It was the same thing I wanted that night in your kitchen but you weren’t ready. And I understood it. I think it’s also why I stepped back this year. I wanted you to find what made you happy. Figure out what you wanted.”

Her heart was pounding in her chest as he moved closer to her. She had a feeling her gift might lead them here. She wanted to stop him but maybe he needed to let this out.

“Truthfully? Yeah. I wanted it to lead you to me. But I can’t make that choice for you. And if friendship is all you want from me, I’ll accept that. I think I made it clear how I felt before…and I know there are a million reasons for us not to try. I know you’re afraid that it won’t work out.”

“But what if it does work out?”

He stopped hearing her repeat the words he’d said to her last year, “Liv?”

She shrugged, “What if it does work out? What happens then?”

He swallowed hard, “I don’t know. I don’t know what it looks like. But I want to be happy. And you make me happy. I’ve fought this for so long and I’m tired, Liv. I’m fucking tired. From all of it but mostly from pretending I don’t feel what I feel for you.” He shrugged, lifting his wrist, “This compass leads me straight to you. It always will. Yours didn’t lead you to me but-”

“Yeah. It did.” He froze, “It did, El. Took me a bit to figure it all out. But you’re right, I’m tired of fighting this too. I’m tired of all of it. I’m not saying I’m not scared. But you said you don’t want to live with any regrets and neither do I. And if we don’t try, I’ll regret that. I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.”

“Liv…”

Shaking her head, she pushed herself off her desk and stepped all the way up to him, “I don’t need the compass anymore because I know what I want. Where it was always going to lead me.”

Lifting his hand, he let his slingers glide along the back of her neck, “So…where does that leave us?”

She shrugged, “You’re going through a lot right now, El. If you need me to wait. I get it. You waited for me. I can do the same for you.”

He let out a shaky breath and smiled, “I don’t want to wait anymore Liv.”

She bit down hard on her lip as she pressed herself up on her toes. She felt him lean in, felt him nuzzle the side of her face like he had done that night in the kitchen. When she’d almost let him kiss her. She held her breath, waiting still just to be sure he was ready.

And when he turned his head and pressed his lips against hers, it felt like the world finally stopped spinning. She gripped his shoulders, letting him lead her backward again until her legs hit her desk. Both hands hand her close, his fingers tangling in her hair as he let himself fall with her.

He’d been drowning for months, maybe years. And this was the first time that he felt he could breathe again.

It was always her.

It was always going to be her.

And finally, they were both on the same page.

When he pulled back, her eyes were still closed but she was smiling, “Still with me, Liv?”

She laughed and looked up at him, “Yeah. Still with you. Always with you, partner.”

Pulling her back into him, never wanting to let go. And maybe this time he didn’t have too. So much had changed lately. But one thing never would. And now they both knew it.