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A short flight. Wind on his hair. Sun on his skin. A beautiful, warm day. His home, the place he and his family worked hard to build.
The hands of two of the most special people in the world on his.
The best way to go. The way they chose. The way he chose. The first time in forever he felt he actually had a say on something happening in his life.
Even if it was his death. After trying for so long.
Those few seconds lasted forever, and the lonely man thought about many things. About his family, his friends. About how much he loved, and how much he was loved in return. About how much he hurt, and how much he hurt other people around him. And yet, despite it all, he was grateful. His choice could be seen by some as selfish, but at that point, he had nothing else to offer to the world. Was it really selfish, then, to want a peaceful end, to want to not be the last one standing again? Was it really selfish to let it go?
Those questions were not for the lonely man to answer. His answer, he thought, wouldn’t make it any easier for him or for others. If any others had remained, that is.
And as he flew, embraced by the sky and the sun and the wind, feeling the heartache of many said goodbyes and even many more unsaid, and the relief of finally having something under his own control… he saw himself as lucky, in the end. He lived. He loved. And he died surrounded by love. Not many people could have that.
And then… silence.
Pac opened his eyes only to immediately close them again.
The sunlight hit him like a punch. It took him a while to open them again, trying to understand where he was and what just happened. The memories were fuzzy and confusing, but little by little, he put them together.
Oh. I’m dead, I guess. He remembered the fall, the cracking sound for a splitting second, and the silence. He touched the back of his head, kind of expecting to find blood or a crack, but… nothing. Only his own hair, soft and neatly combed and tied in the usual short ponytail.
The… usual? He looked at himself with more attention. Instead of the vest and tie he was wearing before - sort of a costume for the Mystery Murder party they finally got to set up after working on it for so long - he was wearing his usual blue hoodie. For a moment, he pulled the strings of the hoodie, closing it around his face. It was… familiar, in a sense.
He looked around. It was a very unfamiliar place, a big field covered in tall grass. Birds and flowers were scattered across the hills into the distance. Far away, he could see a small white gazebo, surrounded by bushes.
Should he go? Where was he, anyway? Was this the afterlife? He had so many questions. But what intrigued him more was how silent everything was. Silent… and lonely. He knew he didn’t jump alone, and if that was the afterlife, it made sense that he would be alone, but it still stung a little. Seeing no other options, he stood up, and walked in the gazebo’s direction.
Pac started walking, and he noticed how still the world around him was. It didn’t feel particularly bad, but it was odd. He wasn’t used to it, in fact he was more used to everything around him tumbling down and spinning too fast for him to follow. But now… it was calm, peaceful. And as he approached the structure, he noticed a tall figure, dressed in black, wearing a big hat and a veil covering their face. The person was sitting by a table, surrounded by colorful flowers of all kinds. He also noticed there were different birds now, mostly crows, staring at him inquisitively.
“Sorry, guys, I don’t have anything for you”, he apologized, but they kept staring at him. And as he finally reached the wooden steps of the short gazebo stairs, he heard a gentle, almost melodic voice coming from it.
“I was waiting for you, dear. Come, sit down. It’s tea time.”
He looked at the person. Judging by the voice and the clothes, it was a woman. Through the black veil, he could see soft traces and long, curly hair. She had a smile on her lips, and a delicate tea cup in her hands. The table was finely decorated, with beautiful porcelain cups and teapots, sweets and cookies of all kinds.
There was an empty chair by the table, right across the mysterious woman. He could feel her stare directly at him, and it made him feel slightly uncomfortable, like she could read him like an open book. But at this point, he was more curious than scared. If that was indeed the afterlife, he didn’t have much more to fear, did he? He watched the woman pour a cup of tea for him, and add more to her own cup.
“So. I think you might have a ton of questions by now, don’t you, Pac?” She pulled the veil from her face, revealing a gentle, welcoming expression and a warm smile.
“You… you know my name?” He replied, startled, and she let out a chuckle.
“Well, I know a lot about you, your friends, your journey. I’ve been watching, even though it was particularly difficult to reach out to you on the island. And even though you sort of tried to meet me more often than most people.”
“Oh.” It dawned on him who she was, but she had no judgment in her eyes, only a playful but understanding smile. “So that means you are…”
“Some call me a Goddess. I guess that’s what I am. Death is my domain. And crows, too, lovely little things.” She said that in such a casual way that caught Pac absolutely off-guard. “It was hard to reach any of you in Quesadilla, but some did find me, eventually.”
“So this is… really it, huh?” He opened a sad smile, and took a sip of the tea. It was delicious, rich and sweet. “This is… what, then? Heaven? Nah, I don’t think I’m cut for Heaven. Something else, maybe?”
“It’s not that simple”, She chuckled again. “Heaven and Hell are concepts we don’t really work with here. Think of it as a passage for the next journey. The cycle of life remains. But I know it’s not that simple to just close a book and start the next. So… this is a place of respite, where all travelers who meet me have a chance to rest and recover.”
Travelers. It definitely felt less somber and sad than ghosts , or souls . But then again, his idea of an afterlife didn’t include tea and biscuits with Death Herself, so everything was new to him. And yet, it hit him.
He was dead. And he died without most answers. Without knowing where most of his friends were. Without knowing if he was still alive or not. Without… without doing anything.
The lonely man’s brow furrowed for a second.
It was natural, something She saw many times. Very few people met Her having satisfying answers for all their doubts and fears. And She knew him well enough to know exactly what bothered him. The people who lived in his thoughts and heart, who were so special he sacrificed everything for them, multiple times.
And even now, when he was the one crossing that road, they were still the most important part of his.
He had so much love for them. Even for the ones who hurt him, in a way or another. She said to Her champion, once, that love is what moved them, and the love they carried with them would linger with them forever. And, seeing the man in front of Her, She believed that more than ever.
“You said you’d answer my questions, right? And that you know me very well, so this is not gonna be surprising at all. Is… Is Fit with you, by any chance?” Pac swallowed, and asked the question faster than he wished. The Goddess shook her head.
“Not yet. But then again, time here passes a bit differently. He’s a survivor, I know, and he’s been fighting a difficult battle for so long.”
He choked a bit, guilt taking over for a second. What if he had left Fit alone? After everything he went through, the thought of making him return to an empty house was so heartbreaking he couldn’t really process it.
“What about… Richas? Mike? They were with me when we… you know.” His voice was lower this time, and he could feel Her eyes on him.
“As I said, time passes differently. Everyone has a moment with me, and I know you three took a leap together. But you just got here first. I know this might be a little disorienting.”
“That’s… well, yeah, a little.” He shrugged, lowering his eyes. “I just hope they didn’t suffer. And I hope everybody else is okay, wherever they are.” He then raised his eyes to Her again. “They didn’t suffer, did they? Especially Richas. He was just a child, and he went through so much already.”
“Did you suffer? Do you feel any pain right now?”
“Um… no, now that you mention it. Actually it feels- wait.” He mindlessly touched his left leg, only to realize it was whole. Not a prosthetic anymore, but his actual flesh leg. His eyes went wide, as he touched his face and noticed the scar under his eye had disappeared as well. “I’m… I’m good, actually! Better than good, I’d say!”
“I knew you’d like it”, the Goddess smiled. “And, to answer your question, no, they didn’t have any pain either. You three are something else, I have to say.”
“I’ll take it as a compliment”, Pac let out a quiet laugh, nibbling on a beautifully decorated biscuit. Everything about that place felt welcoming, and the silence and stillness of the space around them now were simply calming and soothing. When was the last time the silence didn’t feel painful and despair-inducing? He couldn’t really remember. He never liked when it was too silent around him. But now it was simply… peaceful.
He only wished all the others, when their time came, would be granted the same kind of peace. They all deserved it. They all went through too much.
“Do you have any more questions, my friend? The good thing about being in a separate time and space is that you can be here for as long as you want, so I won’t rush you out the door.” She said, placing some more biscuits on his plate. There was a certain motherly aura around Her, welcoming and cozy. “But be warned that I can’t really answer everything, I know a lot in my domain but there’s still a lot that escapes me.”
“Well… what happens now? You said Heaven and Hell aren’t really a thing, but there is something beyond this place, right?”
“Yes. Another life, another universe. New experiences and memories. I think your kind calls it reincarnation , but it’s not quite like that. You’ll feel the calling of the place you need to be in, and you’ll go on. Some people take a while to find this place, but they always do. And in every return, you have a chance to write a new, beautiful story.”
“But… what about my family? My friends? Will I forget about them?”
“Unfortunately, yes. You will not carry the memories from this life to the next. But I observed something, watching your kind. There are certain things that transcend Death. Love, for example. When you truly love someone, you’re bound to meet again in a next journey. Certain stories are too extensive and too beautiful to be contained in one single lifetime. This isn’t exactly my domain, but I’m aware there are two Goddesses out there who work extra hard to keep this flame alive in people’s hearts.”
Pac reflected for a moment. It was, again, expected that he would lose all memories in his passing, but it also made sense how he felt connected to certain people without really understanding why. Maybe that’s what the Goddess was talking about.
“Oh, now that you mentioned it… I heard about other Gods. They watched over some people, back at the island. And… I think Mike was married to one of them? I never really understood it.” He remembered his friend mentioning the fact, and he even heard a mysterious female voice coming from him in certain moments, but he never took that very seriously… until now, at least.
“Oh, yes!” She opened a big smile. “She’s my friend. Our domains are opposite, but connected. I think your friend will be by her side, before meeting me. She’s the Goddess of life and creation, and I’m sure your friend will be very happy in her domain.”
“That’s good to know”, Pac smiled too, relieved that he didn’t have to worry about Mike in any way. “Well… you said it was hard to reach us in the island. Is that why we kept dying and returning over and over?”
“Yes. Only a few people could break the cycle. Something surrounds Quesadilla that makes it very hard for me to reach it. But in very specific cases, they came to me.”
Pac wanted to ask something else, but he felt ashamed to do so. Fidgeting under the table, he tried to come up with the right words, but he could feel, once again, the very intense stare of the Goddess of Death on him. Her presence was warm and embracing, but still grandiose. It was clear She was on a different level, seeing what he couldn’t. And maybe, that’s why she could see the question he didn’t have the courage to say out loud.
“You’re wondering why you didn’t meet me earlier, aren’t you?” She sounded sad, but gentle. He looked into her eyes, surprised, but she only shook her head. “I’m sorry, my child. I don’t really have an answer for that. I believe you endured so much because, somewhere in your heart, you still believed it was worth the effort. And I’m glad you got to experience beauty, and love, and happiness in your short years. Even if it was tainted with sadness and sorrow, you had a chance to see a brighter side of the world.”
The man looked at the Goddess and his eyes had all the emotions in the world.
There was sadness in them, but also passion, gratitude, and love. They carried the stories of so many people in them. A child who loved to paint and cause mischief, a boy who was fascinated by machinery and gossip (much like his father), a young man who spoke too much, too fast and was full of energy and honesty, a veteran who was little by little learning that life was worth living. A brother of many, many years, who saw his best, his worst, and everything in between. A person who was a friend, an enemy, a trauma, an ally, one he never really got to set things right with. A woman who came into his life later, bringing laughter and friendship in the middle of the chaos. An unlikely friend who was taken from him too early, too unfairly. All those people lived in his heart, in a way or another.
They made him who he was. The man who was named Pac.
Perhaps calling him ‘the lonely man’ was unkind. But that’s how he felt, and it was not their fault, or his. The circumstances left him behind way too many times, having to deal with the loneliness and the silence that came from their absence in his life. So, loneliness would follow him. The Goddess was sad, but She knew that was part of human nature. So much was out of their control, and so little they could do about it. He did the best he could, even when it was too much.
And yet, despite it all… the man smiled. And said something very curious.
“I did, didn’t I? Come to think of it, I had a good run. Met lots of cool people, made friends… I even fell in love, that was a surprise!” He blushed a little, and the Goddess chuckled. She saw, in his eyes, a feeling very particular, translated by a word in a single idiom, the mother language of the man in front of Her.
Saudade.
To Pac’s surprise, he heard footsteps coming closer to the gazebo.
When he turned in the sound’s direction, he saw a very familiar figure. Green robes fluttering with the breeze, a white and green hat. He looked at the Goddess, who also saw the figure and was now smiling more brightly than ever.
“Oh. Didn’t think you’d have company right now. Hello, dear! Hello, Pac!” The man waved at them. Philza. The Goddess stood up and practically materialized by his side, involving him in a tight hug. “Oho, calm down, I just got here!”
“I missed you, love!” She kissed his cheek, and Pac was more confused than ever. Phil caught his baffled expression and explained, laughing:
“I guess I never introduced my wife to you, did I?”
“Your what ?” His sight went from one to the other. “You are married to the Goddess of Death . No big deal. Is that it?”
“Pac, didn’t you tell me your best friend was married to the Goddess of Creation? Let’s be real, is this really that surprising, all things considered?” She let out a chuckle, and he had to agree with her. How did I get surrounded by this kind of absurdity? , he wondered.
“Usually no one can enter my personal field if there’s already a person in an audience with me”, She explained. “But my husband has certain privileges. Come with the job, I guess. He is my Champion after all.”
“Ooh.” Suddenly a lot Pac knew about Philza made sense. He noticed his wings were also healed, and were now covered in a beautiful lustrous black feather coat. “Wait, if you’re here does that mean you…”
“Yeah. Kinda.” The crow replied, with a shrug. “I think we all reached our breaking points, and I could finally find my wife again. But, unlike you, I’ll just keep doing my work in different places. I don’t really… move forward, if it makes sense.”
Pac nodded. It seemed like all of them had lost the most important things they had in Quesadilla, and were finally being able to move on to their next chapter. And yet, he knew deep in his heart he wouldn’t really have it any other way. As painful as it was, he had things worth living for, fighting for. The sense of purpose he always sought was there all along.
He placed his hand on his chest. Feeling his own heartbeat in that situation was odd but comforting. He lived on, after all. His heart was beating, probably getting ready for the next adventure, and if he, with all his flaws and fears, had been granted that blessing… then he could be sure the others would be okay too.
And yet… the tears really didn’t stop falling.
The man - no longer lonely, at least not now that he really reflected on it - cried.
The Goddess was now reunited with her Champion, his path a very particular one for others to follow. Both turned to the man, who now looked at them, and at the world around them, with his eyes filled with tears he didn’t bother drying.
But he wasn’t sad this time. He was… happy, actually.
Happy that he had a family. He had two sons, and a lover, and lots of friends. He was surrounded by the laughter of children who lived happy lives full of love, despite all adversities. And happy that, in the end, he became a better person. Maybe his past self would be very proud of him now. Maybe he was looking back at himself and telling him we did it. But the Goddess couldn’t know for sure, for these thoughts were his and his alone. He met Her not as a mortal, but as a traveler, and Her work was now done.
And in his eyes, amidst the tears, She could now see something different. Something She had seen before. The glint of excitement for a new adventure. The expectation, and the bravery. For someone who saw himself as weak and cowardly, he definitely loved the thrill of a new journey. She only hoped he would be kinder to himself, in the next adventure.
“I… thank you, ma’am”. Pac stood up, and made a reverence to her. He wasn’t sure about the proper protocol to treat a Goddess, but he hoped that was enough. She simply smiled, and took one of his hands in Her own. Her hands were pale and cold, adorned by long black nails and shiny rings, but her touch was soft like silk.
“It’s the least I can do, my child. And I know you’ll be alright from now on.”
“Can I ask for something before I go?”, he said. “Keep watching over the others, please. And when you meet them, tell them I said hi, and I’ll be waiting to meet them again in the next life.”
“Will do”, She nodded. “But I think they already know that.”
“And Phil”, he then turned to the other man. “Thank you for everything too. You’ve been a great friend all this time. Take care, okay?”
“Don’t mention it, mate”, the Champion opened a half-smile. “You’ve made these past months a lot of fun. And chaos. Seriously, you, Mike and Richas were a force of nature. Remember to bring that energy in your next endeavors.”
“You know me so well”, Pac let out a laugh. “Stay safe, okay? I’ll miss you.”
He pulled his hoodie back, and felt the wind in his hair. As he walked away from the gazebo, under the eyes of the Goddess of Death and Her faithful Champion, he knew he would be okay. Of course he missed them all, and even if the memories vanished, he knew he would still miss them, deep in his heart, until their paths crossed again. But now he believed they would. As She said, sometimes love was too big to be contained in a single lifetime, and it would follow him through many others from now on. Maybe it came from past lives too. It was a beautiful thing to think about, and it brought him so much peace.
As he walked, the light around him grew, and he knew it was time to start again. He looked back one last time, and saw the otherworldly couple waving at him. But he saw something else too…
More hands. More people. Pink hair. Red hat. A comically large mustache. They didn’t seem like they were right there , but he knew, somehow, they were seeing him off. As tears started filling his eyes again, he raised his arm, and with a loud, carefree laughter, he waved back at them, as white, warm light embraced him and cradled him into a new life.
See you all soon… I love you all so much.